Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Guest House

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["Born to be Wild" by Steppenwolf playing]

[man] We can't afford any of these houses.

[woman] Look, Daddy's gonna help with the downpayment.

He doesn't even like me.

Oh, he just doesn't know you well enough yet.

[man] This is it? It can't be, this is like a palace.

[woman] I think this is the place.

This is it?

Well, there's Edna's car. [exhales]

- Okay, Mr. Bad Cop. - Mm-hmm.

- What's the plan? - Okay, we've seen, what?

- Six, seven houses already? - Eleven.

Eleven, right. Yeah, perfect. Okay.

We go in there stone-faced.

- Stone-faced. - We show zero emotion, okay?

No matter how much we love this place,

we got to keep our poker faces, okay?

I'll be bad cop.

Hey, you two!

- Shut up and take our money. - I knew you'd like it.

Why don't you two follow me into the kitchen?

Poker face?

Oh, holy shit, this kitchen!

Wow.

I mean, I wanna learn how to make souffls in this kitchen.

This coming from a man who can't even microwave hot dogs in my apartment?

You're goddamn right.

Impressed. So, what's the catch?

Holy shit, this backyard!

- Shut up and take our money. - Uh-huh.

It's one of the largest yards in the area.

Great for barbecues and summer fun and debauchery.

Look at this pool. You know what that means?

- Aqua-aerobics. - Aqua-aerobics nude.

Does every one of your scenarios involve me being naked?

I mean, I don't know.

[bass humming]

Uh... what's that noise?

- What? - That... like that loud...

It's like a... [makes grinding noise]

- [man] Throbbing. - I don't hear anything.

- Okay. - There's definitely like a...

Throbbing bass line.

It's pretty loud.

- Oh, that. - Yeah. Yes.

That's nothing. That's absolutely nothing.

There's just someone in the guest house.

- Oh. Okay, yeah. - Okay.

[loud bass guitar music]

[rock music playing]

[mumbling]

Are you guys here for the party?

- Hell no. - [man] Wait. Wait, wait. Come back, come back!

- I've seen enough. Thank you, that's enough. - Thank you, that's great.

No, guys, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

- Trust me. - No.

He'll be out of here in a month.

You could use it as rental property.

Twenty-four hour notice, Edna. Twenty-four hour notice. You know that shit.

I texted you, faxed you, DM'd you. I hit you up on MySpace!

Well, you know I don't check my social media platforms or my text messages

when I'm fucking on hallucinogenics.

Oh, but somehow you managed to respond with a dick pic.

Yeah, and you should be thanking me. That was my penis's good side.

Your penis looked depressed.

Well, here it is, guys.

This is it. This is the guest house.

Okay? It's a smaller version of the big house,

except for it smells like bongwater and K-Y.

Okay, you seen's it, now take off.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

[man] Oh, go. Spatch, spatch!

[Edna] Sarah!

It's not that bad!

Mm.

- Wanna smoke some weed, bro? - Oh, no, no, I'm good.

Thank you so much, but, uh, no.

I haven't smoked anything in a really long time, so...

- Ahem. Mm. - Yeah. Great. Okay.

You got so much cool, random stuff in here.

Yeah, well, I'm a collector of old artifacts.

- Oh, my God, you have a bomb! - Yeah.

- That's so cool. - That's cool. But what about this right here?

This is Tommy Lee's sex swing.

Right on. Great. Uh... cool.

All right, listen. [clears throat]

- Let's get down to brass tacks here. - Okay.

What is it, what's your name? Blake?

- Blake, yeah. - Blake, yeah, take a seat.

So, here's the deal, let me just ask you a question.

Are you guys really thinking about buying this place,

or you just passing through?

Well, actually, you know, I-I think we're pretty serious about it.

We-we really... Okay.

- Really? Here, you want? - Yeah. No, no, no.

That's not why I was looking at it.

It's Peruvian, just came in from El Chapo.

Wow. It's still morning.

Yeah, it's pretty great.

Listen, um, if you buy the place...

[sniffs, snorts]

If you buy it, right, I mean, I could stay in the guest house, right?

I'll pay rent and shit.

- We're good, right? Straight? - Uh...

Well, that sounds awesome, it really does,

but, you know, we're thinking, like, we buy the place...

No, I'm good. Thank you. It's...

Uh, we're thinking if we buy the place, we'd want access to all of it.

- Which would include the guest house. - Mm.

You... you understand.

Copy, copy, gotcha, gotcha.

- All right. - Well, this was awesome.

Uh, very nice to meet you Mr...

Cockfield. [snorts] Randy Cockfield.

- [chuckles] - Bye-bye.

Bye, thank you.

- Bye. - Mm...

- Are you freaking kidding me? - I know.

But we have to give him time to move out.

I know, Edna told me.

I just don't feel comfortable allowing some weirdo

to live in our guest house for three months.

Do you think we could get him out quicker?

I don't know. I mean, he's like an entrepreneur collector guy.

You know, you saw all of his stuff.

What kind of entrepreneur lives in someone's guest house?

A frugal one?

I don't know. I mean, I didn't sit down

and talk with him about all of his finances and everything.

Look, I know that this is weird. I do.

- You think? - But aren't you tired?

I'm so tired. I just wanna...

I wanna just lay down. I wanna be home.

And just say, "We live here now, we're not going anywhere."

I do love that yard.

And the-- What about the gazebo?

[groaning]

Promise me he'll be out soon.

That guy gives off weird vibes.

I pinky promise.

[soft chuckle]

I'm serious, babe.

I-- I'm serious. I promise.

As soon as we get settled in here,

I will march right out there, and I'll say,

"You gotta get out of here in three months."

He's gonna end up... a week.

We can get him out of there in a week.

[upbeat music plays]

- We're doing it. - We are.

- We are doing this. - Yeah. This is us. We're doing this.

- I mean... - Oh...

I love this photo.

[Blake chuckles] Well, take a look at this.

- Later, brah. - Later... brah.

[loud moaning]

Oh, yeah.

- Dude, what the fuck?! - Give it to me. [moaning]

Look, if you guys are gonna have sex, can you at least close the door?

Close it and join us.

- [Randy] Yeah! [growls] Come join us, Blake. - No.

Look, we need to set a time for you to move out.

[indistinct chatter]

- [Sarah] Blake! Blake, get in here! - Uh...

- Yeah? - Someone's been in our kitchen.

- What? - Cupboards are empty, groceries are gone.

Even the gluten-free cookies are gone.

Like, seriously, who the fuck eats those?

Randy, obviously. The fucking moron.

Mm.

You moved a lot of boxes today.

Yeah, I really did, didn't I?

- It was crazy. - [giggles]

So, I thought that you deserved to be rewarded,

- and tonight... - Oh...

I thought we could do anything that you wanted.

[Blake chuckles]

- Hmm... - Hm?

You know, this is a judgment-free zone, right?

Yeah.

Remember the other day when you were, uh...

talking to me like a dude?

- Mm-hmm. - [chuckles]

I kind of, uh... Something about it

'cause it's... You're acting like dude,

but it's you, but it's you doing that voice...

[shushing] I gotcha.

Fuck me, bro.

- What? Mm-hmm. - Wha...

What, you hard of hearing there, chief? I said fuck me, brah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that really works for me.

[both giggling]

- Oh, fuck me, bro! - Oh, my God!

- [moaning] - [coughing outside]

What the fuck?

Um... sorry.

[groans]

[coughing]

[Blake] Looks like he's just doing ayahuasca.

Ayahuasca? what-what the hell is that?

It's where you, like, drink a tea from a root,

and you get all sick and have a spiritual experience.

You'll be all right, my brother, just let it out.

You're trying to get all the negativity out.

- [retching] - [groans]

Let's not let this get in the way.

[both giggle]

- Yeah, bro. - Yeah, brosef?

[retching continues]

- Dude, what the fuck? - Oh, my God.

- No. Wait, wait, wait... - Dude, I can't. Dude!

Wait, wait, wait. I'll really work. Hold on...

[groaning]

- Come on. - He's, like, dying out there.

- Well, it's... part of the experience. - I can't. [groans]

- [Randy] Get all the negative energy out. - Don't just...

- [guys retching] - All the negativity out.

Fuckin' Randy.

[growling]

Oh, God.

[soft groan]

[groaning]

Wake up!

[groaning] Why... Why am I being attacked?

[yells]

Fuck! Oh, shit! [groans]

Blake, Blake, what are you doing in my room?

- What are you doing in my room? - Relax. Take it in.

- Take it in. - [breathing hard]

Oh, God.

You gotta be out by the end of the day.

- Okay? If you need help paying for a hotel-- - [farting]

Fuck! Or anything, I'll help you out, but, dude, you crossed a line.

All right, passing out in front of our house?

Sarah is pissed, and I'm with her on this one.

Yeah, well, you tell Sarah when it comes to tenant's rights in California...

it's always pro-motherfuckin' tenant.

Guess what I am, bro?

Huh?

I'm your motherfucking tenant!

Goddammit, you're beautiful.

[chuckles]

Fuck! Fuck it, I gotta get high.

Please.

- [laughs] Yes! - Fuck it.

It was just a matter of time. Bam!

You know, a few years ago,

we totally would have been friends.

Like, in college I was a full-on wild man.

All my friends thought I was a legend.

Oh, shit, well, let's do some coke, bro.

Oh, no, no, no. Just... weed's fine.

- Oh, copy, copy. Gotcha, gotcha. - Weed's cool.

But I do want to get, like, very high.

Not regular high, but like really high.

- How high? - As high as I can possibly get.

- I'll do anything. - You'll do anything?

- Yeah, anything. - Fucking anything?

[both laughing]

- Anything? - Anything, dude.

C'mon.

C'mon... let's go.

- Let's go. - I am not fucking doing that.

- You said you'd do anything. - I'm not doing that.

Just repeat after me, okay? It's very simple.

- I'm not gay. - I'm not gay.

- I'm not gay. - I'm not gay.

So then you're good to do it. Now suck it, let's go.

Dude, of all the pipes you got in this place,

why do we gotta smoke out of this one?

- It's how I sort out my pretenders. - No.

Okay? If you can suck on Randy Cockfield's dick pipe,

you're good with me. Let's go, suck it.

You like chicks. I know you have a chick.

- Just come on, come close. - Fine.

This makes you my real friend.

- Come on, get close. - Okay, okay.

[camera clicking]

- [coughs] - [laughing]

- Delete that shit. - No, no, no, no...

- Delete that! Delete that shit! - No, no, no.

- I need more followers, bro. - Dude, I have a job.

I have a girlfriend. Delete that shit.

[echoing laughter]

[sniffing]

Oh, my God! Whoa!

[laughing]

[mumbling indistinct]

Blow in my face...

[both mumbling]

Dude, I'm totally gonna sneak in here all the time and smoke that dick!

[laughing]

- I underestimated you. For real. - Oh, yeah. Thank you, man.

I like hanging out with you, man. It's very fun.

If you want to hang harder, dude, check this shit out.

- Look, look. - All right.

Check out what's in the box!

- Hm? - Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So, you're like... You're like a drug addict, huh?

Yep, no. I'm a drug connoisseur.

- Yeah. - Cool.

Yeah, mixing and matching the drugs

is precisely how you don't get addicted to the drugs.

- Smart. That's really smart. - Yeah, you gotta mix and match.

But there is one drug that I'm missing.

- What's that? - [typing]

Dude, your fucking head is gonna spin when you see the shit.

- We're talking about flakka. - [man] Flakka.

[woman] The drug is called flakka.

[man 1] Some are calling it the insanity drug.

[man 2] The insanity drug.

[man 1] It is described as the scariest drug in the world.

[barking]

[woman] Way more powerful than heroin or cocaine.

It is a synthetic drug that will alter your state of mind.

- [man 1] Extreme delirium. - [man 2] Raising body temperature

and causing people to literally lose their mind.

[yelling]

Dude, you cannot do the flakka, man.

- Why not? - It's a bad drug!

Yeah, fuckin' badass.

You can't do that in my house, man.

- That's... that's bad. - What's so bad about it?

It's not even fuckin' in California yet. Relax, dude.

All right, well, that's good. That's good.

- Yet. - No.

My friend Benny's this region's supplier.

He's bringing the shit over.

Dude, no. It's a no, ma.

I mean, I don't want that on my property.

If Sarah found out...

Oh, Sarah, you know...

Fuckin' Sarah. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah! All right.

You know, what, uh... Hey, fuck you, you fucking asshole.

You know what? You can't hang with me anyways, you little party pussy.

You know, spatch. Get out of my place.

Yeah, I'll spatch,

you fucking pathetic, crusty fuck.

Yeah, you can't even hang out in my lair you piece of shit.

[sniffs]

[Sarah] Hey, babe.

Maybe we can stop by the hardware store

and get some lights for the gazebo.

Yeah, that'd be... Yeah, that'd be... Mm... great.

Did you have a talk with Randy today?

I... yeah. Yeah, we... more...

Yeah, more or less we had the talk.

It got... It was serious and he's...

So he's now... He's dedicated to finding a new place.

- Blake. - Was that...? Yeah.

- Are you okay? - I'm good, yeah.

Yeah, I'm ju... Yeah, I'm, like tired.

I'm kinda tired from, like... I didn't sleep that great.

- You're high. - [chuckles]

- No, I'm not. - You're, hon...

You're totally high.

- You... He was smoking... - Mm-hmm.

And I may have breathed some in.

- Just stop talking. - Okay.

Whoa, but I do think you should know,

there was a cloud. Like a--

Look, Blake, I ask you to go out there

and do one thing, just get rid of the guy,

and instead you get baked with him?

No, I didn't. I... I was like...

We were unwinding.

I was just unwinding. Like, I'm... I've been stressed.

Oh. Oh, you've... you've been stressed. Mm-hmm.

You know, you know, I've been stressed, too.

You know, teaching 48 2nd graders a day isn't easy.

Yeah, no, I know.

Do you really? Because while you go off

to your skateboarding job every day

and talk about things that nobody over 30 cares about,

I'm dealing with angry parents and trying to figure out

how to pay for school supplies with zero budget.

And then I get to come home and deal with this shit.

I have students who are way more mature than you are.

I feel like that's kind of unfair.

I mean, I haven't, like, smoked anything in, like, a long time.

She got you, man. She's right.

What's happening, sweetpea?

[exhales]

I think Blake's on drugs... again.

Good. Then maybe the two of you should take a little break.

Or a long break, or a permanent break.

Dad, you're not helping.

I need some Dad advice.

I love him. But...

I don't-- I don't know what to do, I--

Sweetheart...

If you are certain that you love this boy,

then just make sure that you have

the unwavering devotion and dedication

that your mother and I share.

Got it. I-- I gotta-- I gotta go work this out.

Uh... you wanna use my hotel room?

- What? - I keep a hotel room.

For the last few months, I've had a room in town.

You're welcome to it. Okay, no.

- No, that's... Yeah. I... - No problem.

- Have you heard from Kip? - Mm... no.

[rock music playing]

Fire in the fucking hole! [yelling] Oh, shit!

[groaning] Dude...

I am not stoked to admit this, dude,

but we should tone it down on the turbo.

Uh, do you need, like, medical attention or anything?

- You good? - Come on, dude.

- Yeah, sorry. - Just...

- Come with me. Let's talk. - Yeah, sorry.

We just released that promotional video

for the skatewear line, and it's trending.

We got a shout out on Kimmel last night.

All of our social media is kinda blowin' up.

Plus, that kid's mom, she's not pressing charges anymore.

- [exclaims] Nice! - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And now you're exactly seven weeks out

from being able to skateboard on public property.

Yeah... Hey, dude. You know I've enjoyed this time

to be intimate with my people, right?

Oh, and everyone here loves having you around, Mr. Kapinsky, they--

Blakey-Blake! I have one rule.

You know this, I'm not mister,

- I'm damn well not sir. - Right.

- Who am I? - You're Shredd.

Yeah. And why?

- Uh... - Thirty-six skin grafts!

Zero real teeth and more fuckin metal than you can shake a dick at.

- Right. - Right. And what's all that from?

Shredding it so fuckin' hard.

- That's right, man. - [chuckles]

Fucking shredding!

- I'll take... - [Shredd yells]

- [yells] Fuck! - Oh, Jesus.

- Oh, yeah. - Why do I have to always hit a fucking stud?

'Cause you are fuckin' Shredd, sir!

- That's why. - That's right, man.

- Fuckin' epic! - Oh, my God. [groans]

Let's see some skating around here!

- [rock music playing] - [yelps]

Yo!

All right. All right.

[Sarah] Isn't the architecture great?

I mean, I can see myself getting married in this house.

Sar-bear, I love you, so I'm gonna tell you this

as delicately as possible.

You could do so much better.

- I love Blake. - [sighs]

He's amazing. I mean, he's everything--

Listen, whatever you decide, know that I'll always have your back.

I just... I always envisioned your life differently, you know?

Like, more like mine, where I have this job

where I don't do a lot of work, but I make a lot of money?

I know.

- And I know he's the one. - You know?

You know. Just like in college

when you knew that you didn't like girls.

- Seriously, don't even right now. - [laughing]

If Blake heard you, he would never stop hounding me for a three-some.

Shit really? You know, I'm totally down for that.

[Randy chittering]

[laughing]

Whoa... [laughs]

Oh, sh...

Hey, Skippy. What's up, boy? [smooches]

Meow. Me... Jesus!

That's not a... fucking cat. Blake!

What the fuck? Blake, there's a--

There's a goddamn muskrat on your porch!

Help, Blake!

[people chattering]

Looks like someone's off the market.

I mean, you're not married yet.

- Right? - Yeah. No.

So, what do you say we have one last office fling.

Holy shit. [chuckles]

Uh, I don't... I don't think that we can do that.

- Yeah? Come on. - Know if I should.

- What happened to fun Blake? - No, he's right here.

I'm still super fun, I just, you know,

I'm serious with Sarah, and, you know...

- You wanna shred me? - I shouldn't.

You know... Hey, hey, hey.

- Let's just pause this, take a-- - [Shredd] Blakey-Blake!

Whoa! What the fuck are you doing?

I'm not... It's not what it looks like.

- I... I know. - Come on.

You're unbuckled, your fly's down.

Look, I don't know how she got fly down.

That was all that happened, it was a misunderstanding.

Bro-man, dude. You have a woman now.

You got me really worried about you.

- I appreciate-- - I don't like it.

Got it.

Sorry.

Yep.

[dog barking in distance]

How was everything?

Would you say your spinach was leafy?

[chuckles] Look, I'm-I'm- I'm sorry.

- I've been stressed with work. - Yeah, no, no.

I know. I'm sorry, though, too.

Obviously, I should be more sorry than you.

I mean, the Randy situation is horrible,

but none of that really matters.

This is all that matters. You and me.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

I love you.

And... I want to marry you.

I, um, don't actually have a ring,

but I could do that.

I just kind of arrived at this.

This is a mean, mean joke.

No, I'm not joking. I'm so serious.

- You're like for real, real? - Yeah.

We can do it here in this house.

What better way to christen it?

- Don't fuck with me. - I'm not fucking with you.

- You guys, I just needed a can opener. - Jesus.

- Don't have a cap opener. - There is no chance

- you don't have a can opener. - We don't have one.

- Is this a bad time, or...? - This is an extremely bad time.

- Really? - Yeah.

Did you drop your contact or something?

No, it's more serious than that.

- Oh, shit. I'm sorry, sorry. - Yeah, yeah.

- We're having a moment. - I like you guys, you're cool.

Bev! Beverly!

- Bev! - Yeah?

Come on in here. We're doing the Skype.

- Oh, goodie, goodie, goodie... - Come here, she wants to see you.

- Sarah! - We're getting married!

- [screams] - Wait a minute, what?

Hold on, shush! What did you...? Hold on!

- That's amazing news, sweetheart. - No, no, no, you didn't say--

No, I came home, and he had this amazing dinner laid out,

- and he proposed. - [Dad] No! Listen... Listen to me.

- I'm so excited! - Don't do it! The skateboard boy?

- Yes, yes, skateboard boy. Yes. - Are you insane?

- Listen-- - Blake.

Forget what I said.

You absolutely need advice.

I know, Dad, Dad, Dad.

Your advice, it was so helpful.

- [Dad] Don't do it! - It really just, you know,

sealed the deal for us.

- Come home! - I know, I'm so happy!

- It's teriffic! - No, she's not--

Hey-o! [laughing]

Hi, how's it going?

Blake, Blake! Hi, honey.

Congratulations! Congratulations , honey.

Well, I can't wait to be a part of the family.

Listen, you... I'm coming over!

- Okay. - [Beverly] They're going to be a married couple in no time.

We'll put some champagne on ice.

[computer beeps]

Hm. I think that went pretty well.

I do. Yeah. I think it went really well.

[exhales deeply, sniffs]

["Give it to Me Baby" by Rick James playing]

- Yeah! - [cheering]

What's up, boo? What's up, boo?

What's up...?

Hey, what's up, sweetie?

[chuckles]

[screaming]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Blake. - Hm?

Blake, he's throwing a fucking party out there.

I'm calling the cops.

Wait, wait. No, no, no. Don't. Don't call the cops.

He's, like... He's a nice guy. He's fine.

Well, are you gonna go out there and deal with it then?

[groans] Yes. Yes, I am.

- I'm gonna go out there. - Really?

- And I'm gonna shut it down. - Great.

You go out there, shut it down.

I'm taking an Ambien, and I'm going to sleep.

- I need to be up in four hours. - Great. Great, great.

- [mumbling] - [upbeat music playing]

Hey, Randy. What the hell are you doing?

- Oh, hey, Blake. - You gotta shut this down, right now.

No, no, not 'til you get a shish kabob.

Hey, Benny, give him a shish kabob.

- Try one. - I don't want a shish kabob.

- [Benny] That's rude, dude. - It's not rude. This is rude.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - What is this, man?

Well, I gotta introduce you. Everybody.

- No. - Everybody listen up here, okay?

This is Blake. This is his house.

And I just want everybody to know,

He's our friend. He's our friend.

He's our friend. Dudes, say it.

[all] He's our friend. He's our friend. He's our friend.

All right, man. Sarah's had enough, I've had enough.

You gotta go, man. This is bad shit.

I've already given everyone the three-minute warning.

- Right, you guys? - [all] Yeah!

I don't care...

Do you know where I can get a straw for my coca?

No, I don't know where you can get a straw...

Can you put a top on, please?

- What the... - You little pussy bitch.

- [woman] Man, Blake! - Pussy bitch? I'm respecting...

Girl, you better not put no top on.

Man, Blake, why you acting like a little bitch?

- I'm not acting... I'm not... - [laughing]

- Don't laugh at that. - Take the shot,

poured especially for you.

Have a good time. Enjoy life, man.

- Come on! Let's go... - Don't strike me!

Dude, you said you used to fucking party a long time ago. Now's your time.

All right, if I do one shot will you guys all just please leave?

[all cheering]

Absolutely. Absolutely, we're gone.

We're gone. Spatch, spatch. Go, go, just drink it.

- Spatch, spatch, go, go. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm with you. Maybe. [laughs]

All right, all right, here we go.

Really, for real, for real.

[all cheering]

[woman] To Blake!

Whoa, look at the hairs... [makes booming sounds]

- [woman] All right, Blake. - Wait, wait. One more.

- Stop. No. - One more, one more.

Yes, yes. One more, one more, one more.

[all chanting] Blake, Blake, Blake...

- One more, one more. - All right, two and that's it!

[all cheering]

[Blake] Get out of here.

- [groans] It's so bad. - Whoo!

- Why is it so bad? - It's so good!

[mumbling indistinct]

[all cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

I love pussy.

[sirens blaring]

- [groans] - [indistinct chatter]

What's going on here?

Oh, there we go. Right there.

Hey. Hey. You the homeowner?

No, no, no, I live in the guest house in the back.

- You throwing this party? - No, no, no, I'm in the back.

I'm in the guest house. I'm actually moving out soon.

- Guest house? - Yeah.

I'm looking for a roommate if you know anyone.

You know anyone off...?

You know, it's funny you should say that,

'cause my uncle has this building in the area, but--

Holy shit, I gotta give you my number.

- What do you think? - Ah...

Yo, let me get your beer. A beer. Whiskey, beer.

[both groaning]

- Oh, God, I wish I could. - Oh, man.

I'm on duty. I can't be drinking on duty.

- Copy, copy. You... - [both laughing]

You know, I have to tell you something.

You police officers are very much underappreciated.

I think you guys are fucking awesome. I think you got a bad rap.

- Sweet hug? Come in. - Well...

Come on.

No one ever hugs police officers.

That's true.

- Oh, this... That feels good. - [both laughing]

- You're so stupid, get off me. - Yeah.

[both laughing]

- Stupid... - That's fuckin'...

I knew we were supposed to be together. We're a team, man.

What's your name? Officer Ford.

- No. - Officer Ford.

Officer Ford, stop that.

- Carl. - Holy shit, first name basis.

- [chuckles] What your name? - My name's Randy.

- Randy? - Yeah, Randy Cockfield.

- Randy Cockfield? - Yeah.

'Cause when I'm in the field I give the girls my what?

- [chuckles] That... Come on. - You can say it.

- No, I'm on duty. - Come on, say it.

- Cock. - [both laughing]

- One more hug, one more hug! - Ah, come on.

Yeah, that's great.

[both laughing]

[Randy coughs] It's just not cool, I mean, like,

it's fun and stuff. I don't wanna leave.

You know, I wanna stay back there.

I get it. It's a nice neighborhood.

Yeah, and it's very comfortable,

so it's like I don't wanna move out.

- You know what I mean? - Hey, sir!

Whoa.

I need you to evacuate the premises immediately.

This party has been shut down.

Oh, this is, uh... This is actually my house.

- Oh. Oh, this is your house? - Yeah.

- [groans] - Yeah.

Welcome to the neighborhood, Mr. Renner.

Now the folks around here consider underage drinking

and disturbing the peace...

Not cool.

- And? - Illegal.

- Illegal! - Unbelievable.

- [laughs] Illegal, huh? - Yeah.

- Illegal. - Okay.

- All right. - Goddamn, you smell good, too.

- Get him away from me. - Why you smell so good?

- I shower regularly. - 'Cause he's a little...

What kind of man smells this good?

- I shower regularly. - What kinda man smells this good?

Follow me on my social media platforms, officer.

What is it?

- Uh, @therandycockfield. - therandycockfield.

[Carl] Dispatch, I got another asshole comin' in.

[Blake] No way that call went in. There's no way you talked--

[Carl] Literally and figuratively, I got an asshole coming in.

- Please, pick up. - [line trilling]

Come on.

Hope you have a nice stay tonight.

Just let me know if you need anything.

What?

Come with me, I'm gonna show you to your room.

Okay.

He seems cool. He'll be cool.

Oh, God!

Be sure to call the front desk if you need anything.

["L'amour Est un Oiseau Rebelle" by Bizet playing]

Blake, what the hell happened to our backyard?

I don't know where you are, but you're not here.

I've got the girls coming over to try on their dresses,

and you know what? I-- I don't know. I don't--

I don't know if I can go through with this wedding anymore.

I even knocked on Randy's fucking door.

What happened? What is this?

Somebody put dicks everywhere.

Some asshole turned our entire property into a bag of dicks.

[cries] Blake...

Where are you?

[knuckles crack]

[Sarah] I don't even know where he is.

What if he's, like, dead in ditch somewhere?

I don't know, maybe he got scared and just left me.

[Taylor] I'd call that a good fuckin' day.

There's a shit ton of dicks in your backyard.

I'd say that's a bad omen.

There aren't that many dicks.

You can fix this. It's not that bad.

Eh, it's a dick-splosion.

I don't know, I always liked Blake.

He's like one of those good guys. He'll be back.

Sometimes I feel like I'm pushing him,

- and maybe this isn't-- - I'm just gonna call it how it is.

You need to toss that boy out like a used tampon.

- Ew, what is wrong with you? - Jesus, Taylor.

I'm serious. You can do so much better than him.

- Blake is a fucking-- - Cocksucker, crusty, dumb motherfuck.

Blake?!

- I-- - Blake, are you okay?

I'm fine.

What do mean, fine? What does fine mean?

- Where've you been? - Get out here, you fucking piece of shit!

- [door opens] - Come out, come out, wherever you are.

- Warriors! Huh? - [Blake chuckles] You got me fucking arrested!

- No, you got you arrested. - Arrested?

- Yes. - I'll explain in a second.

If you think about it, Blake, none of this shit is actually my fault.

What are you talking about, you fucking psycho? You burned down my gazebo!

[chuckles] No. Look, you burned down your gazebo. Okay? Right, dick face?

Blake, were you partying with Randy last night?

- Yes, he was getting fucking wasted. - No, no. Shut the fuck up.

- No, I was not. I was not. - Really? Not shit.

- Fuckin' loser zero. - [chuckles] He's lying.

- That's not true. I was not. - Oh, really, it wasn't?

I can honestly say I wasn't fucking partying with you. Yeah.

Oh, you're fucking done now, dude. Look at that.

- Huh? - [cheering]

- I am the god of cock fire! - [Randy] Who's that?

Who's that, Blake, Jesus Christ? That's you.

Oh, my fucking God.

That's being shown out of context.

How is it taken out of context? Tell her.

It's not like that. I-- I got a little drunk.

Just stop, just stop, just stop talking.

- [Taylor] Done. Done, done, done. - [Sarah] I can't!

- I can't do this. - [Randy laughing]

It looks like you have a lot more to worry about than me, motherfucker, huh?

Princess Sarah is pi-i-i-issed.

Which means you ain't gettin' no pussy tonight.

Shut the fuck up, all right?! We just wanted a house!

We went and looked at 17 houses,

and we found this one, and finally Sarah was happy,

and so was I, and then fucking you!

[exhales] Well, I guess...

You're not my friend, you're not my friend, you're not my friend, dude.

Shut the fuck... [grunts]

- [Carl grunts] Yeah, yeah. - Oh, my God.

You know what underage drinking

and assault and battery have in common, Renner?

They're both illegal.

- That's right! - Illegal!

- Hey! Are you okay? - Oh, my God.

- No. - I can't believe you hit Randy.

I... He drugged me.

You know, what? Apologize to Randy.

- Yeah. - Apologize!

- I will not apologize. - Tell him to kiss me.

Yeah, kiss Randy.

Go ahead, go ahead! Go ahead!

- What the fuck?! You're gonna kiss him? - I don't know!

- You're a piece of shit, man! - He was gonna kiss me. You're a piece of shit!

I can't believe this, I'm back here again

- with you trust fund kids. - I'm not a trust fund kid.

Yeah, like you can afford this.

Just sit there and shut the fuck up.

- Thank you. - Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Randy.

- My head hurts. - Did he hit you good?

Yeah, he punched me under there,

and I was on my dating app, Chubby Chasers.

I was looking for some babes, and this fucking--

- I'm on Chubby Chasers. - [laughs] No, really?

- I love big bitches, man! - Oh, my God!

[both laughing]

- Have you... Have you met anybody? - Can we go?

- Hey! Hey! - Yeah, yeah...

- Hey, I'm the captain now. - [both laughing]

We should watch that. Movie night.

- All right, Randy. - Thank you, officer.

- This is war. - [Randy] Carl, take care.

Shut your fucking face.

- Okay? - Right. Great. Yeah.

Just sit back and shut up.

I know your type! I fucking hate you!

Dammit. I gotta take this motherfuckin'--

You're lucky I didn't get this out.

- Yeah. - Beat your ass with this.

[Sgt. Winters] Well, here's your belongings.

I need you to sign... right here.

- When can we expect to see you again? - Never again.

- Fantastic. - [chuckles]

We'll keep the same room for ya.

I'll get you a good roommate.

Really nice. [smooches]

Okay, all right. Terrific.

Look, I'm really sorry about all this dumb shit.

Lying to you, partying, Randy.

Look, Blake, it's not about Randy.

It's about you and your behavior. This really has gotta stop.

- [soft chuckle] - [Carl] Well, well, well.

We meet again, Mr. Renner.

Look, I'm just getting out right now.

- Good to see you again. - If you'll just let us go.

I'm actually here to serve you with a restraining order

on behalf of one Mr. Randy Cockfield.

That's gotta be a mistake. I mean, it's-it's our house.

We-we paid for it. We don't even have a lease with him on it.

Ma'am, I understand that,

but this is about Mr. Renner's assault,

his temper, his anger issues.

I am... This has to be a joke. [chuckles]

There's no joke here, okay.

You are no longer allowed

to be within 100 feet of Mr. Cockfield.

You may not contact him verbally or by the internet.

I mean, is there anything we can do?

You can contact the city,

but the laws for tenants are pretty strict.

He's not a tenant! He's a squatter!

How am I supposed to keep 100 feet away from him in my own house?

Good luck, bye.

Good bye.

- Sergeant. - Good bye.

- Why is everyone here like this? - Don't, don't, don't.

You're fucked.

It is so on, you bitch!

Mm... Blake, I thought you were my friend, but I guess not.

What did you say?

I said you... have skinny bony bitches.

That's it. That's all from me.

I just want to stand and stare tonight.

- Go back inside you little-- - I interrupted the whole flow.

I can't believe I let you come here and suck my dick pipe.

That dick pipe is a gross exaggeration of what you're working with, my man.

Yeah, what the fuck ever, you little WASPy bitch.

- [laughing] - You stay on your side, and I'll stay on my side.

Warriors, come out and play.

- They're all my side. - [makes buzzer noise]

- Good night. - [Blake] Good night.

Go back to Marin County.

[sighs]

No. I'm kicking him out. This is war.

Don't start this. I can't handle the stress.

What, and let him walk all over us? No fuckin' way!

I'm serious, I don't like this side of you.

[chuckles] Well, you haven't seen anything yet.

- Thank you very much. - What are you doing?

[typing]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[Randy] Dance with me, dude!

Dance with me, dude! You're my friend, dude.

[humming]

[laughing]

Benny, dude! Dance with me, dude!

- Randy. - What?

- I think I'm gonna go, dude. - No, no, no, just stay. Stay.

Yo, can I put my clothes back on?

No, no, no. Keep your clothes off.

Just... and read the book.

This book's in Latin, bro. I can't read Latin.

- Are you happy? - No. No.

- [Benny screaming] - [Randy] Oh, shit.

[screaming continues]

- [Randy] What the fuck happened? - He'll be gone in a few days.

What's he gonna do without power?

- Why did the power go off? - I don't like this.

Come on. What?

No one says I have to pay for his electricity.

He's fucked. [chuckles]

[grunts]

- [engine whirring] - [groaning]

What the fuck is that?

It sounds like a helicopter's out there.

[Randy] Cutting off the power's amateur hour, huh?

I fucking hate this guy.

I'm too powerful for you, bro.

Too motherfucking strong.

Look at that shit. [grunts]

This is my side, that's your side.

You stay over there, little pussy.

Who's got some beer, huh?

- [sniffing] - [upbeat music plays]

[both laughing]

Hey, Benny! Randy can wobble, but he can't what?

- He can't fall down! - [laughs] That's fantastic, bro.

- Yeah. - Hey, can I leave?

No, no, no, no. No, no, dude!

- [mumbling] - What the fuck, bro?

Arr...

[chuckles]

[upbeat pop music]

Looks like all we got left is the interview, and then the launch party,

and we should be... We should be squared away.

- Are you okay, Blakey? - Yeah, I'm good. I'm great.

- You sweating like a fuckin' pig, homes. - Mm...

Did you jog to work today, or something?

No. Regular day.

- [grunts] - Holy shit! [laughs]

[exhales] [blows raspberry]

[sniffs]

[man on TV indistinct]

That's hot.

Someone's looking all hot and bothered.

[doorbell rings]

[man] Hello.

Oh... Oh, hi. Hi, ma'am. I have your package.

- You got a package for me? - Yes.

It's a package. That's my job.

You don't wanna deliver your package?

Oh, my God! This is... Is this really happening?

Wait, is this really happening? This is really happening!

Yay! [laughs]

Yay! Yay!

What do I do? What do I do?

- Yeah. - There we go.

I think this... Can we do it this way?

Does this work?

[groans] That feels good.

That's good for my back.

All right, that's good. I gotta go back to work.

- Yeah! - To deliver some packages.

Please, get the fuck off me!

I have a job! Ma'am, I have a job.

Yeah, you do.

- [laughs] - Here's fun Blake I know.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, what is this material?

It's like rayon, or some poly cotton or something?

It's amazing. I wish the whole world was this fabric.

Wait, are you on Molly or something?

Molly? No, no, no. I would never even be able to get my...

Oh, my God.

- I'm so... No, this is bad. - Wait, what?

I... This is great. You're great,

you're so great, but I have to go.

- I'm on drugs. - Blake.

No, no, I'm on drugs. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.

- Hello? - Sarah, we've been drugged.

- What? - I think that asshole--

Never mind, just don't go out of the house and don't drink the water.

Just go to the bedroom, I'll be right there.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay.

- What's the matter? - You gotta... You gotta... You gotta go.

- Is that family? - You gotta go. No, you gotta go.

- Is there a family problem? - Uh-uh, you gotta go.

- No, no... I don't... - You gotta go, come on.

- No, I don't wanna go. - You gotta go.

- [yelling] I don't wanna go! - You gotta go.

Oh, my God!

[grunting]

Yes!

[bird chirping]

[garbage truck whirring]

- Blake... Blake? - Hm?

- What the actual fuck? - Whoa. I'm late for work.

I'm late for work.

[people gasping]

- Hi. - Sorry.

We just moved in.

Whoa! Hey, hi. I was just checking over--

- Blake, you got a minute? - Yeah, yeah.

I gotta... Yeah, yeah, I got a minute.

We've known each other a while, right?

You consider us friends?

Yeah. Yeah, you and me, we're friends.

- And friends can be honest with each other? - Yeah.

- Honesty is the bedrock-- - Can I tell you something honestly?

- Yeah, please. - You are fucking fired.

What happened?

That walking foreskin got me fired.

No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait. Do not hit him again.

I'm not gonna hit him. I'm not even gonna touch him.

I'm just gonna lightly, lightly pummel him until he's dead.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. Listen to me. Listen to me, okay?

It's not worth it. We talked about this.

You were gonna leave your job anyways,

so, you know, I can float us until you find something else.

- That's not the point. - It's not worth it. Let it go.

We'll get through this, okay?

The wedding party's coming tomorrow night for dinner,

and I do not need this crazy on top of all the other crazy.

I cannot let him get away with this.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, just listen to me. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath in.

[both breath deeply]

Let it go, just relax, babe.

He's not worth it. He's not worth it, okay?

What if, um...

What if we go take a really nice deep bath, and soak,

and I'll get some Epsom salts, and we can just talk it out. Yeah?

Okay. That'd be great.

- Yeah? Okay. - Mm-hmm. That'd be really great.

- Thank you. - Okay.

No job is actually an advantage.

It means you have all the time in the world.

Well, now...

me too, motherfucker.

[chuckles]

[Randy coughing]

[grunting]

You motherfucker!

Hey, Randy!

Buddy! Oh, my God, I totally forgot to tell you!

They're bug-bombing the house today.

Randy has fallen, and he can't get up.

Yeah, man, shit's just, uh, been so crazy with the wedding.

I totally forgot you were in there.

- You're an asshole. - [chuckles]

You should know they're using very heavy duty chemicals.

Apparently, all your bodily functions will go off at once.

Huh? Oh, no.

Oh! Oh, no.

[farting]

- [groans] I dookied! - [laughing]

[Randy yelping]

[shushing] Just repeat after me:

- It's not gay. - It's not gay.

It's not gay!

Again, even more.

- It's not gay. - It's okay, Randy, it's okay.

It's a trust exercise.

Just close your eyes and trust me, dude.

[retching, coughing]

Piece of shit. I'm gonna get you, Renner.

[coughing]

[laughing]

Blake, why is there a meth lab in our backyard?

[laughing] I'm going in there to get all that pack rat's shit,

and I'm gonna move it, so that he has to take his rathole elsewhere.

- [laughing] - Oh.

Now, we can have the rehearsal dinner back here.

I'll fix up the gazebo, and we can have the wedding back here!

All while that fucker's not around to mess with us!

- [chuckles] - Oh!

I'm gonna have my gravy.

- I love you! - I love you, too!

I honestly love you so much.

[indistinct chatter]

- [Blake] Oh, yeah. - [Sarah] Yeah, okay.

Now's the time.

Um... so before we dig into dessert, um,

we just wanted to say a big thank you to our amazing wedding party.

- [Blake] All you guys. - [Sarah] All your love and support.

Um, the last couple weeks have been a bit of a journey getting here, but--

It's been a little rocky, but it's been good.

- [clears throat] - [Sarah] Yeah.

- Yeah. - Um...

But tonight is really just about celebrating and making memories

and, um, spreading love.

- Aww. - [all] Cheers.

- Cheers, you guys. Thank you so much. - Cheers.

- Enjoy the cake. - [laughs]

- [Blake] Mm... - [man] Weddings are the worst.

I'm sure your wedding's gonna be fine, but...

I hate weddings.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm gonna go to yours, Renner, but...

- It'll be all right. - I appreciate that.

I appreciate... Mainly, it's her dad, uh...

What's the word? He hates me. He hates me a ton.

Okay, Blake's exaggerating. He doesn't hate you, he just...

He's... not too sure about you.

Oh, come on. Who could hate those sad goat eyes?

Sarah's dad isn't so bad.

Loved me, right Sarah?

Kip, he-he-he did.

Yeah, he really loves you a ton.

[man 2] Good old Douglas, man.

He's crazy. I love that dude.

[Kip] Remember when he took us to the beach house?

[man] Oh, the beach house! Dude, that was so dope!

- [laughing] - Oh, man.

That sounds awesome. That sounds really awesome.

- Beach house. - Absolutely.

I've seen pictures, but I've never been.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

The very second he met me,

he called me Kip, then he said, "Nevermind."

And then he said, "I hate you."

- Here we motherfuckin' go. - [growling]

[rock music playing]

Fuckin' flakka possum.

[growling]

[all screaming]

[laughing]

[screaming continues]

[screaming]

Well, that's the last of the shots.

With any luck, you guys will all be fine.

Except him. He's not going anywhere.

Ah, man, that's bullshit.

Mm, it is.

You know, you did the right thing coming in as fast as you did.

Rabies is not something to be taken lightly.

- Mm-hmm. - May I ask you a fairly serious question?

- Of course. - What the fuck was that thing?

- Goddamn, you guys got fucked up. - I'm sorry, wait.

Did you say we have a decent chance of being okay?

- It's not... it's not a good chance? - The medicine usually works.

[chuckles] What do you mean, usually?

What-what if the medicine doesn't-doesn't work?

Well, then you're fucked... basically.

Fucking flakka possum.

Everybody else got the rabies shots already.

Do you think we should tell them that it may not work?

Maybe keep it from them for a little bit.

- Um... - Oh.

Mr. Renner, um, what exactly did this to your guests?

Nothing. I have no idea.

It could've been absolutely anything.

Yeah. Mr. Renner,

I'd advise you not to take the law into your own hands.

Of course not. Because that would be illegal.

Very illegal.

[sighs] Okay, Bonnie and Clyde, you have a good evening.

Will do. Thank you so much for stopping by.

- It's so good to see you know. - Oh, I hate you both.

I think we gotta postpone the wedding.

No, what? No, no, no, no.

He knows that he went too far with all of this shit.

Now he'll lie low, he'll be too scared to do anything.

The wedding is still on.

- I mean... - The wedding is still on.

It's... it's a 100 percent on.

- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure.

- I love you. - I love you.

- I think he's gonna die. - I know.

[slow tempo music plays]

Daddy....

I will give you $100,000 if we turn around right now.

- We already talked about this. - All right.

Hi.

Hi. Good to see you.

[Father Jeff] Dearly beloved...

we are gathered here today

in the presence of God,

to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

To bind their hearts as one for ever and ever...

[whispers] And ever. Ever...

- Do you have a mint? - [priest] To find their love...

- What's that, sir? - A mint. Do you have...

You don't have to call me "sir."

- [Fr. Jeff] Love is kind... - I can't get you--

I wish you were calling me "Dad."

[clears throat] [whispers] Walk away.

Walk away right now. End this shit, it's...

End this fucking madness. You don't need this.

- Just end this. - Dude, seriously?

- [soft whistle] - [mumbles]

- Blake! - Jeez!

- Do you take Sariah...? - Sarah.

- It's Sarah. - Whatever.

- Mm-hmm. - As your life... wife?

Yes. I do. [chuckles]

- Do you take... Blame? - Blake.

- [Fr. Jeff] Yeah. - [Sarah] It's Blake.

Do you take this guy to be your husband?

Yes, I do.

And now by the power invested in this state,

and this country,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride. Or whatever.

- Good luck. - [soft chuckle]

May God have mercy on your souls!

Well, man, you finally did it.

- I'm proud of you. - [chuckles] Thank you.

Took one for the team.

Your life is completely over.

- I'm so proud of you. - [chuckles] Thank you so much.

Listen, if there was ever a chance that you're going to get anal, my friend,

it's tonight.

- We'll see, yeah. - What's up, Mr. M?

How's it going? Looking good, buddy.

- Jason Statham good. - Stop talking.

Get out of my air space.

- [scoffs] Let's go. - Unreal.

- Blake. - Mr. Masters.

Or I guess I should say Dad.

How... you have surprised me.

And those who have tried will tell you

it is not an easy thing to surprise me.

[yelling]

J-Jesus!

Angela, you should know better than to ever sneak up!

Never sneak up on a man, me especially.

- Whoo... - She's a wonderful woman.

I knew her since... She was...

She's always been that tall, and she makes great honey baked ham.

Blake... Oh, God.

Here's the deal, no one's done it.

You brought my daughter to the altar.

Yeah. Look, I want you to know, Sarah is my whole world.

- Uh-huh. - All right.

I... I know she's too good for me.

I do. No, I really do.

But her happiness

is the most important thing in the world to me.

Well, that's one thing we have in common.

[Sarah] Daddy.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Um... Blake, we just, uh...

We need you for some photos.

I'll be there in a sec.

[Kip] Mr. D.

- Kip! Kip! - [both laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

[glass clinking]

Ladies and gentlemen... [clears throat]

Would you join me, please, in raising a glass

to my lovely daughter and her new lovely husband.

- Sweet... - [man] Aww...

- Sweetpea, my heart. - [giggles]

I wish you the... the kind of passion

that your mother and I have shared for the last 35 years.

Stop...

Not a day goes by that I do not look across the room and...

And wonder how... How am I so lucky?

Things I've done.

I tell you, though it sounds fun.

Waterboarding? Not a water sport.

But this lady... makes everything okay.

'Cause she's so beautiful.

So classy.

- So attentive. - [moaning]

[laughing] And so hungry...

What are you do... Bev, what are you...?

Raise your glass! [laughing]

Your tux is fantastic.

Hey, Douglass, what's Bev been drinkin'?

- I'll have a double. - [Beverly] Oh!

- I'll pour it for you a little bit later. - [all laughing]

- You wanna... You wanna go lie down? - [Beverly] He's cute.

- You okay? - I wanna suck your cock.

Everybody, I wanna suck his cock! [laughs]

- [crowd gasping] - Raise your glasses, everyone.

- That's... - To sucking cock!

[crowd murmuring]

What the actual fuck?

I think your Mom's on Molly. That's what the actual fuck.

This is really nice. What is this?

What the hell's wrong with you?

- It's soft. - Stop, stop.

- Ooh! - Get out of here.

Blake, all of our guests are acting really weird.

Yeah, right there.

Ah, no, they're just drunk. It's a wedding.

[groaning]

- [people laughing] - No, no, this is beyond drunk.

[laughing]

- [engine revving] - Cousin Jimmy, what the fuck?!

Fuck, fuck, fuck...

Oh, my God!

[crowd groans]

[glass shatters]

[yelling]

Whoo!

Best wedding ever.

- [glass shatters] - Have you seen my friend?

I am so happy you're not my dad.

What the fuck is going on?!

They're out of control!

The house is ruined, the wedding's ruined.

He's here. I know he's here somewhere.

This has Randy written all over it.

[laughing]

[yells]

Oh... fuck. Oh, shit.

Oopsies! [laughs]

Oh, man. Holy shit.

What the fuck?

What the fuck did you do, Randy?

I gave your party the whole box, brother.

I gave 'em the whole motherfucking box!

- I'm gonna fucking kill you. - Oh, shit.

[upbeat music playing]

[grunting]

[both groan]

[laughing]

[grunting]

[yelling]

[crying] I am so sorry.

- It's all right. - [sobbing]

It'll be fine.

It's all over now.

Nearly over.

All right, look out.

Christ...

[chuckling]

[sighs] Man...

If that shit was on pay-per-view,

we'd be fucking millionaires right now, for real--

Shut the fuck up! You never shut the fuck up!

I was trying to be your friend.

Okay, I was being nice to you, and being generous.

- And you were miserable. - Oh, my God! Of course I was miserable!

All right? That's what growing up is. You're just-- you're miserable.

And you look for someone you can try to enjoy the misery with.

And that's what Sarah is. Okay?

And then I fucked it all up for no reason.

For you! For fucking around with you! It's insane!

Yeah, well, the Sarah thing will pass, okay.

I'm more concerned about us and our relationship, okay.

So what we need to do as a... as a team, bro, as a team--

Do not fucking touch me!

- We need to move forward. - Don't touch me!

- We should move forward-- - There is no moving forward!

- And not look in the rearview-- - There's not a rearview mirror!

- Yes, there is. - There's not a fucking rearview mirror!

- What do you mean? - You're a fucking loser!

- You're a loser, dude. - What the fuck, dude.

You're 50 years old and you live in a fucking guest house.

- Whatever. Dude-- - You are fucking delusional, man.

Everything around you turns to shit.

- [keys jingle] - [door unlocks]

[Carl] Mr. Renner. Visitor.

Ma'am.

Hey. Are you okay?

Just stop, I... I came to pay your bail.

- Okay. - What about my bail? Please.

No, I'm not paying your fucking bail.

I-I came to pay your bail, I paid your bail, and that's-- that's it.

- Wh-What do you mean? - I mean-- I mean, that's it.

You and me, I... We're done.

I can't do this.

- Sarah, listen-- - [Carl groans]

- That's... No, no. - How many more signs do we need?

If it wasn't this, it'd be something

- in one, two, five years from now. - Mm-hmm.

[stammering] Listen to me. I... That's not--

Look, I am listening. I'm finally listening to you.

But... don't you love me?

Love isn't the issue here.

Yes, it is. It's the only issue.

Blake, I can't. Just, please... Just don't make this any worse.

Yeah.

- Wait, just give me another chance. - I'm pregnant.

[gasps]

Okay, that's fine. That's great!

I mean, now the plan is you get me out of here--

No. No, the plan is I'm going to stay at my parents' house,

and do not come and try to see me,

because my dad said he's gonna kill you

and... I really think he means it this time.

I gotta... I gotta go.

- Wow! - Wow.

She's pregnant, man. That's... that's amazing.

Shut the fuck up.

- I-I just-- - Shut the...

You have to shut the fuck up.

- Yeah. - Mm.

- Sad. - Okay.

[chuckles] Sarge!

Ah! Get in here.

- This is him. - What's up? What's up?

- This is Cockfield! - This is the guy you told me about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi.

Hi, my name is Randy. Randy, Officer...

No, call me Jeremy.

Oh! Hey. [laughs]

- You told him about me. - Yeah.

["Ocean Eyes" by Billie Eilish playing]

[Taylor] Oh, my God. He is so cute.

I don't wanna do this on my own.

You are not on your own.

[cell phone ringing]

- Hello. - [Edna] Hey, Blake.

It's Edna from Hindpoken Realty.

- Hello, Edna. - I just need to go over a few things in person

before we put the house back on the market.

Can you meet me at the house Saturday at noon?

Great. Thanks, Edna.

- I'll see you Saturday. - Okay, see you then.

Jesus...

- Blake? - Hi, Sarah.

You.... you look amazing.

- I... Blake, I wasn't expecting-- - No, I wasn't either.

Edna called me and said I should stop by today.

Yeah, me too.

The house looks amazing. You've been busy.

No, no. I didn't... I didn't do any of this.

What?

- Who did? - Truce, truce.

- Peace, peace. Truce, truce. - Are you fucking kidding me?

Look, look, look, just give me five minutes of your time,

just five minutes and I'll be gone.

You'll never see my face again, I promise, please.

I'll give you 30 seconds, you fucking asshole.

Look, it's really important to me

that a family lives in this house.

Not me, not anyone else, but a family.

And I want it to be your family,

so, you guys, please, just...

just don't put the house on the market just yet, please.

You did this? How?

I sold Napoleon's hat.

- A... a Napoleon hat paid for all this? - [chuckles] No.

Not a Napoleon's hat.

Fuckin' Napoleon's hat, dude.

- I don't understand. - No...

That stuff in the cardboard boxes in the back. Okay?

That was my dad's stuff. It was my inheritance.

I found it was worth millions.

Dude, I'm a fuckin' millionaire on top of it.

Slum dude millionaire, bro. That's fuckin' weird.

- Congrats. - I'm a fuckin millionaire.

- That's awesome. - [laughs]

- Yeah, that's really cool. - That's great.

Listen, and there's just, uh... man.

There's just one more thing that I got to tell you guys

that I... I've been keeping from you guys for quite some time.

[Blake] What is it?

The main reason why I didn't want to get rid of this house

and let it go, is 'cause this...

this is my family's house.

My childhood home, I actually grew up here my whole life.

When my parents both died they left it to me,

so I just moved into the guest house and...

I had no other plan but to stall the sale.

So when you guys came around, I just...

- I fuckin' freaked out, man. - Yeah. Yeah, you really did.

I'm ready to let it go, okay, and just give you guys my house.

To start a family. Here, your family.

For reals.

You're my friend, dudes. You guys are my friend, dudes. Please.

And I have one other thing that I want to show you guys.

Just one other thing.

- Is it gonna be gross? - No, come here.

Oh, God.

[Blake] Oh... Oh, my God.

Th... I don't even know what to say.

Well, this is it, guys.

This is where you're gonna start your new life.

In Randy Cockfield's childhood home.

- Uh... - I...

And, Blake,

when you bring Sarah into the field,

what are you gonna do with her?

- What are you gonna do with her, man? - Don't.

Come on, say it.

- Don't spoil it. - Say it.

- Give you his cock! - That's right, yeah.

Is this beautiful or what, guys? I mean, come on.

- Don't worry about it. - Thanks, man.

- Sarah. - [Sarah chuckles]

All right, too long on the hug. Too long.

Okay. Thank you. Thank... No, no, no.

- [Blake] No. - Okay.

Great.

[chuckles] And just like that, he's gone.

[Sarah babbling]

A little dinosaur. Like a little dinosaur.

Do you wanna be a dinosaur?

Hey. Got an email from Randy.

He signed it "Admiral Cockfield,"

which I actually think works more than Randy.

[chuckles] I wonder where he is.

Do I... Wait, do I wanna know?

Well, he sent a link. Do you wanna watch it?

- Uh-uh. - Fuck it. I'm clicking it.

Cover him up.

Yo, what's up Blake and Sarah?

Wanted to let you know that I'm livin' my life.

It's Randy Cockfield. I miss you guys.

I bought a boat.

I'm sailin' the Seven Seas, dudes.

Illegal, Renner. Illegal.

- Hey. - You're missing out, Blakey.

Mm, I like... [moaning]

And look who else is here, it's our fuzzy buddy.

Oh, he misses you, dude. [growls]

I'm gonna come visit you guys in a couple weeks,

so just have the guest house ready for me.

- [crying] - Fuck that shit.

- No, he's not coming here. - No, he's not.

[upbeat music playing]

["F**k Me Bro" by Hood$lang playing]

The Description of Guest House