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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Marc Maron More Later 2015 | Marc Maron Stand Up Comedy Special Show

Difficulty: 0

thank you!!!

that wasn't properly place we know how

to context clues i do not indulge was

that happened weird places you keep the

world's I just wanted it to be weird

we're going to came out and it's


thanks enabling how do i really want to

open this thing while it's just the

tackle woman for no reason

about some things you can't really do a

nice way to start your big night I don't

know what to do sometimes I guess I can

handle the love and respect from you

people so make no mistake i'm hating

myself inside they brought the backstage

chicago pizza

I'm not going to mention any names don't

want to start here but it was one of


it's all you're getting

and of course I gotta do this show gonna

be here and perform to the best of my

ability and I thought to myself why not

not have two slices of deep dish meat

why not not do that

that voice was not honored within me

and now i have two slices of that DJ in

my stomach which I will blame if this

goes badly

that's how I playing that didn't go well


got a point and I've got an inner

bloggers that reviews my show as it's in

progress marriage started off kinda hard

making notice of the woman who won

and you start talking about beat zipper

no reason like he's got a whole day of


this is gonna go tonight grew he doesn't

have a plan has already brought me and


more later

I don't know I can get all I'm not gonna

complain about being all I'm starting to

realize that like I'm 51 i'm a 51 year

old man twice to force I have no

children and I live with ducats and it's

fucking amazing

that's right winning

I'm the winner

three years to think like why can manage

the relationship why can't i have a

marriage why don't have a normal life of

any idea why can't I just be a regular

person but now I'm starting to think

like nothing I've done is your people

it's my thing I I'm starting to realize

that knowledge takes is one conversation

with a friend of mine that went the

other ways of the world in the kids

everything of one conversation for me to

know them

I'm okay

I've ever had that conversation we don't

know if the guys talking to you or

trying to convince himself that he's

made the right decisions with his wife

it takes nothing to provoke these

conversations like I could not have seen

the guy in my three years I'd be like

hey man how you doing it's been awhile

how the kids fucking hard right now man

it's bad i can't handle this

I want them out of the house but there

are seven and four and that's going to

be think I love milad they're great kids

but I just think it's fucking awful it's

a full we wanted them smart the other

one seems to have the thing with his

hands he's okay

wanting me and I want out but I love him

I love more

one sort of confusing for a message you

didn't answer everything everything okay

with your wife can't work in the eye and

all can't even maintain eye contact with

her most of the time I want her dead or

i want to be dead it's just fucking

awful but I'm blessed that mean I'm


because she's a great woman we've been

through a lot together but god damn it

you know I get above i think if I had it

blown like it's just gonna change my

identity somehow but by this is my wife

so that these kinda crazy but god i want

out like wow that's sound great kind

still kinda confusing okay okay with


I've no money or am I gonna have money

have a wife and two gets word is money

come into that I think about faking my

own death all the time just so they can

have the insurance money and I can have

my freedom

you know when get a quote and not

kidding about the club

finest my family in dinner with him but

god i just wanna we are you doing mark

I'm great this conversation has been

great for me it's very helpful actually

and I feel okay it's a little weird

sometimes i'm lonely but I've got the

cats but but you know I'm okay and then

the guy always because I got really

appreciate you being my friend you know

and and hear me out as I can't talk this

stuff about a lot of people we have to a

lot of people and I love you man Michael

I love you too man good luck with

everything and I know that fucker goes

home in the second he sees his wife says

random errands still sad and alone

seeing those damn cats ones that guy

gonna get it together right

I told them how great we were doing baby


yeah you know I got the cats is gonna

get hard to sell the whole like you know

51-year old dude with two cats as being

an endearing thing you know it's well

it's a fine line between on

yeah weird moments with my cat's I don't

I guess I guess chiaramonte

Mary's gonna struggle for a minute or

two to figure out whether or not i'll

share this information like it's a big

secret see them do this three times i

wonder what he's gonna do more later

I one time I was on the bed

with monkey and laFonda and this came

out of my mouth out loud I said I guess

your thoughts now you guys

says dad

real moment though said this to monkey

out loud the other day not long ago

anyways is that it i said your kid knows


no dad you're old

you don't think that affects cats you

don't think that they register that kind

of thing but two days later monkey shit

on my carpet while maintaining eye

contact with me

not that you do want to cast doing that

just go like okay that's happening there

i guess it is I'm doing it and that

thought is about the comment i made it

is right to say what you project

and then he tried to bury his shit on

the carpet which I thought was spiteful

and I did I did feel was personal but

wasn't there just dumb cats they're just

stupid animals I it's hard for cat owner

to admit this kind of thing where they

like he didn't it wasn't personally just

had some sort of brain skid thought he

was outside and shit on what he thought

was grass and was the carpet we project

Falcons shoot on the cats because where

can people and I can just like you don't

want to believe they're just dumb

animals like not mine eyes genius like a

mystical wizard who understands

everything my cat is yes i think so

what happens to me all the time I got to

see monkey laying on the bed just

looking at nothing nothing like I wonder

what he's thinking about

probably Egypt

no like lying loser bug no okay have


and I used to think my my counts are

fucked up I used to think that my cancer

like crazy because there are wild when I

found them and that always had that

excuse in my head for why my cats for

skittish and weird but now starting it's

me i'm starting to think it's me i'm the

reason i get purchase cats like you've

been with me now for what 10 minutes

imagine if you were a cat I'm not the

optimal owner of the cat my cats go

through a horrible experience almost


I mean it's not unusual for me to wake

up within five minutes go god damn

what's happening today

suma casting was just sleeping

what what could be the problem already

we're all just sleeping what's going on

and they'll say like you guys want to

eat or what why is it question

what's going on oh no he's lying

char I'm going under the game I'm going

under the bed

it may become really friendly now with

strangers which they never were and I

really think it's they're trying to pick

one out like a jump on stranger's lap I

can barely get them on my lap they enter

like please take us take this i don't

know how we got this guy but it's


it's exhausting I don't like what number

would be will say your cats are like

your children

no they're not not unless my children

are severely mentally challenged cannot

like children

cats are not children they're never

gonna surprise you with the word they're

not gonna win a sports trophy ever

they're not there do you like a cat is

what it is when you get it give or take

a few movements and soil or faster but

that's it

maybe maybe with you have a certain

kinda cat once or twice in a lifetime

you'll say like how'd you get up there

you know and then

and then you get a new york

that was my child that'd be horrible

that was the proudest moment like good

22 on Downing refrigerators

that's unbelievable he's gone up there

by yourself at seven years old that's


we didn't think you were gonna do

anything ever

god forbid i become like that panic and

terror just like standing over monkey i

say daddy stay

come on say that's what he said

I'll help anybody who witness that would

say we get you outside man this sand too

much time at the zoo here time to

socialize my cats are willing to eat

because I my anxious angry ish person

okay someone's wife forget that already

that's all it took

just my rationalization set up out here

really angry

those things that used to be I'm trying

to get better trying to here's the thing

never have an anger problem and that's

not like there's people in here of anger

problems i know you know who might be

poor and i know you know who you are

when you admit you have named your

problem that's not casual conversation

that's not something that just comes up

like know you have hanging from a little

bit if you'd make that out loud it's a

default and usually there's at least one

crying person in the room

yes it's a Hail Mary pass it's not a

rejoicing moment it's like God I fucked

it all up

better try to get this back together but

the weird thing about having any problem

is that the one thing we can admit when

we have anger problems like we fucking

love it we love yelling we love it right

up until you're crying in two minutes

into you cry without me

and then we get scared that we fucked

things are permanently buddy it's in us

we can admit that i'm not saying it's

good behavior but what I'm saying is

that an angry person can like I can

never say like I'm not gonna have an

outburst i can't it's not that's a lot

it's gonna happen what I've agreed to do

with myself and with others is can try

and tighten up the space between

outburst an apology im just gonna try

and bring those local closer together

it's gotten pretty close this recently

came out of my mouth shut the fuck up i

am sorry

it's very tight

he was an effective apology i don't

think that the apology landed because i

think it was totally inappropriate

but my brain is working in the right

direction and getting better

I don't know what to tell you i just

have the river of Rage running through

me at all times I mean it's just right

there and as I get older I realize it's

really up to me as to whether or not i'm

gonna put the kayak in the water that's

that's really what it comes down but

some days you just want to spend going

and people you know ways are using the

pole get away

got the or

and I don't you know it's like angers

like it's it's satisfying in a way like

sometimes we don't even talk to myself

that's ridiculous talking yourself in

public like this

that's why i believe you shouldn't judge

people who talk to themselves in public

is crazy too quickly i know it's fun to

be like does

the like they don't judge you don't be

so quick to especially men bc man

talking himself in public he probably

not crazy

probably just in a relationship and what

you're seeing is he's taking the fight

to the street

he's gonna win on his terms that that's


maybe man talking to himself when he's

probably doing the right thing

he probably just left a situation we

said this shit i'm taking a fuckin walk

and you just caught him in the middle of

this process is something along the

lines like my current deserve this shit

i'm leaving little depth what a fucking

mistake that was

he's actually on his way to apologize

that's what you're saying

he's making the loop

he's gonna walk in and say sorry baby my

fault apologize say it's okay i'm glad

you to the lock which is no after on the

street we won that fight

there's no gray area here we wanted

yeah it was like like it's like it's

like I feel good right now matching i'm

not i'm not as angry and it's weird to

perform being Pleasant like I'm pretty

open and my gonna saw something outside

on the street we had a nice conversation

going these nice people are gonna see my

job but like me yelling said but but

it's ok but like I have to realize like

I remember the moment where I knew that

that had like being angry unique choice

like there's a moment they were like you

have to do that and then you just like

it explained here's what happened

I spent two behind the preferences for

addressing I can't seem to leave my

house without forgetting at least three

things I don't know if it's mine AIDS

but I can't like i'll leave I'll get to

the bottom of my hill on but fuck my


and copies weird i didn't really not

have my pants don't know I'm Erin feels

like he has to explain that

ok jizz have a ridiculous punchline

that's abstract and ridiculous every

night explains in a joke

stupid more later


all right here we go so i spent about 20

minutes making a cup of coffee and you

ready to ask yourself with that since


seems like a long time his take to

prepare cup of coffee

what happened was I've gone to hipster

coffee shot and i ordered once once i

ordered the single source pour over cuz

that's where they take a cone and put it

over 1 cup of coffee with just enough

grounds in the comb for that one cup and

then trickle hot water over it because

it's the best way to have a cup of

coffee once I did that now when you do

that part of your brain is like this


we work for you here for the other

parties acknowledge the best way to have

confidence a nice way to have it you can

really taste the players like are you a

fucking sucker

it's coffee what are we standing here

watching this idiot trick water for

and I'm like for coming not do this in

front of the barista we're not doing it

out loud yet

so something resonated about the process

because now I was doing it at home which

is why to 20 minutes so I'm going home

and I'm trickling water a new account

and that part of my brain is like are

you fucking kidding we're doing this

inholy we like yelling what do we got to

lose life

I'm excited yeah I maybe got the copy

like this going to fuel my rage on the

highway i'm gonna be jacked up and put

in my travel cup and hit the road and

got to the bottom of my hill and like

fuck yeah coffee

god dammit coffees on the counter in the

kitchen now

in the moment she's just let it go but

for no reason at all none i was like i'm

backing up the fucking hell

the quarter of a mile there's cars on

both sides and no reason Mikey now when

i got to the front of my house and I

have not hit any cars my first song was

your fucking any but the louder thought

was nailed it

I think there's an argument today you do

that every morning I'm invigorating I'm

gonna need coffee

they did you get the neighbors of all

you get to the bobtail door and

everything comes out you waved and

smiled his jam it up the fucking help

and that's my brain works

I don't know what began about how it all

better know why I'm like getting and i

don't like I am do you think about them

not why I'm like I am

like why you while you're like you are

you heard the everything about like when

you're a little kid like what happened

to that kid

right sir sad mama like there was a time

work for some of us could just be like

look at a rock

and that was enough that was enough

what happened to that kid he's in there

still and still think he's in there

right but you just crush them down but

you just walking down the street is a

shut up no time for rocks now

rocks not gonna fix it anymore

like I sometimes like do you ever look

at other people and like to see them as

a kid I sometimes I have to do that just

so I don't hate them dearly like when

you have that moment we just like

fucking hate that guy and then you

picture me as a kid like use that kid

this is everything is worried about me

like contempt and an empathy are very

close together

look like they are things that used to

be angry about

now i'm really not angry but anymore but

my brain doesn't know that you know it's

like phantom limb anger you know it's

just my heart's not into it but my brain

you'll still do that like a 51-year old

minion that I I never have to have this

fuck that beard yeah I don't like this


why would a fucking him that hard

what's that guy's beard isn't doing

anything that bother you but like my

brain is like there's no integrity in

that beard that's not a real beard is a

coffee shop here that kind of

that beard in the wild with off-the-grid

shit out of house and things the Jews

run the government that beard that guy

did not earn that appears is a victim of

the mumford in of America

so my brain has to roll through all that

to like let it glow it's just like it's

just it's got better at to this is a

sign of progress you know like I was

walking down the street you know it's

him near my house probably talking to


and I and I look up and I just see this

dude walking towards me I need to know

what I mean what what what what it was

but I is one that guy like immediately

fuck that guy only two seconds away to

my brain would die sad

and I think when they're that close

together we can go and content today and

that's a time of progress I think that's

a sign of progress

thank you very much

the rooms where is up these out the

stores never goes

because of on impulse engines makes way

back the store

was I talking about child

it's where we fixing your brain from

childhood I think there's a couple of

things I remember like one thing

happened and like to see that and know

where I am I went to trader joes and

let's not get excited about your show so

let's get over the excitement about

trader joes it's not that great

I know we're all excited at first like

you have a traitor just yeah we just got

one and not like you're over right you

just you go there you get the three

things you get there

all traders just it was add another stop

that's all really did

mega the regular supermarket will get

the three things the trader jobs

mulleted produce is never good to the

point where you're like what the fuck is

wrong with this

yeah i got i don't want to talk about

changes with the point

she gets to a point for you and

someone's gotta be evil here there's

gotta be evil a traitor just I don't

know what it is but I think we're all

gonna find out all at once eventual

the point B

upon the bunch of bags and trail mix the

rock to the wrong eggs doesn't matter

what time does matter to detail

marriages go with the joke

more away

childhood soon so I dumped a bag the

trail mix into my face and there's like

a bad nothing there i get students are

bitter it was bad it was bad but it was

too late

just so I swallowed this bigger bad know

at the moment of panic and then that

song from childhood popped into my head

found happy that I found opinion that

bound to be and then Officer Mike oh I

think that guy dies in that song

like I'm freaking out i can breathe or

he dies in that song

so I use a computer I'm like I got


lyrics found Tina

it's not google what to do if you bad

lyrics found the penis

damn right he does die

I have to ride this

thank you i'm not become remember

correctly there's no the last verse he

goes to heaven and gets a better than

others and it's right away from me on

Kevin thing just like I don't know

what's gonna happen for me in this made

through and made true was touching go

thank God for that song to that have

come for me in a way transcended that

element of childhood we rambling about

keep the metal voice is just one please


so the other memory from charge that was

very important is that when i was a kid

i grew up in albuquerque new mexico and

that we had a local children's show host

and Albuquerque and captain Billy and we

like to captain Billy when we often we

watched marine our cereal like me and my

brother was my cocoa pebbles and using

fruity pebbles which is bullshit

never got it just never got the free


why I still resent a little bit now even

for putting me through watching me

through the colors isn't this is making

or vocals you're working to shop around

you're gonna get chocolate know what do

you get with fritos like this game milk

is just

merrifield we're not using the word

getting in that context but he

rationalizes it by thinking they're

pretty bubbles that many colors giving

it a rainbow team which politically

gives it a pride element this is stretch

but that's what that's how man makes

that junk ok more later

but captain crunch kids what the fuck

was wrong with their mouths

people that kitty captain crunch and

then this year i had it once doing what

they just ripped my mouth

like all those captain crunch is just

became like a psychopath or football

circus performers i don't know i could

hear about these kids I like Syria's

know you and really start pushing back

down it's gonna be a long sad life for


tell me get a fun cereal that can afford

and gator on Syria and I like seriously


push back now you can vary materially

pussy your entire life and Oracle's just

middle management to you and your

cheering so anyways

captain Billy

this getting through the balcony are you

anything structures just happened in my

head and want to check in with you so

I'm doing it

good down here but somehow in my mind my

balcony's out with just made the

decision based on nothing i think i look

at one person up there and just see that

like a big head and this is what it look


but like a jacket all the time like I

don't know what people are thinking

about why he submits about me I'm all

kind of like the labor what kind of day

granted that guy could be like hit that

body well

Mary thinks he knows experience but I

just buried somewhere

it's me the only one he did

here and there

anyways the captain Billy

so here's what happens we used to watch

captain Billy were captain had a big

mustache captain's blazer yet puppets

and your show

cartoons and he keeps things we love to

move up Captain building at that point

my life i guess it was about seven my

father was a doctor unclear what he does


word touch but I'm impressed and

information is it doesn't go any place

good but he was a doctor in one day he

came home from the hospital for dinner

which was rare and he said the dinner

table and just added no worries sense

someone shot captain Billy today

is it down please in critical condition

around my brain around

I'm like I'm going to what why why

captain Billy dan why my father never be

appropriate in his life to this day look

status seven-year-old son in the eyes

and goes some guy got him screwing his


and in retrospect that is the most

important lesson I learned from Captain



the Commandant for a reason the Attica

manele to the other one murder you think

about how fucked up the world must have

been when they wrote the commandments

like out of control shit was for a group

of guys to come up with those fucking


it was a group of people it was not God

didn't say that anyone I don't want to

hurt anyone's ok grown-ups

just picture like five guys like locked

into a barn just panic they're like

we're gonna make your fucking rules

crazy their shot my brother give his

hairs no reason

skills on the street because we all have


killed a guy fucking a dog on the street

impossible to run a business environment

education rules i would get them to

listen to the rules 12 god they're


nerdy little uncomfortable that is going

in the religious type material that's

not what he does right now but i think

they can handle it

more later and i can only read until

you know I mean hang your hope so what

are you gonna pay your host Jon it's

like life after a certain point like

whatever meaning you're looking for

you'll realize one day like shit i think

i'm doing is buffering disappointment

mark just crashed it just fucking

everything was good fine for out some

amateur stencil government

the brains of his adoring fans so they

down everything is the best part of


related I time you got my coverage you

whatever that means we will never lose

me that makes you culturally image us

brought it but you did the thing

Manuel money yeah and you might want to

get some language you don't understand

you even understand that when you want

to read

it's not real message he grew up like

little class conservative to you don't

get real lessons and you have some point

when your kid your GC your mom mom to

choose have a God there any your mom

goes just eat

remember we're better than other people

that's it thanks as that's American


now there's gonna be in this special



my neighborhood is let's just do let's

get through it

I don't know about religion i'm very


with that stuff I just don't was not

given out on the goddamn place tonight

doesn't seem to concern me like I'll

just deal with with my weird discomfort

existentially with you know with food

and masturbating and you know movies

keep feeding the whole I don't know why

being American is all the house

I gotta give in north carolina in

raleigh north carolina book a gig on

Easter weekend and I think I need to

know is easter weekend

alright so I booked the gate they're

sending an erotic godless a greet you to

the American South unarguably the most

Jesus weekend

and I didn't know anything about like I

don't know anything about I don't know

Jesus isn't he was a man like i know he

had a beard

I know he took the hit for everybody I

get the concept

get the concept of the Jesus religion

how do you think you gotta get in


your dog is sick but you know what a man

pathetic person I gotta figure that out

word empathy like I always had it but I

had a really engaging I didn't know what

the word empathy meant for a long time

and I didn't really experience and very

effectively during that time but now

what kind of know what it means I think

like for me the working definition of

empathy is being able to put yourself in

the place is a person you're yelling it

like that

that's the primer from gonna tell right

learn it so i'm going to the south and

I'm starting to feel like empathy for

the people that are going to be in my

audience that that it's an important

weekend for that that have Jesus in

their heart and and then might still

believe I don't want to be rude to them

and I would Christians are like the I

grew up with it but he's not got any

mark so it's like he's just out just out

of your heart just goes

please close by right I get in a pinch

he's back right like Jesus just he's

down the drugstore having a coke right

picture Jesus the counter drug store I

cause she thinks he has on his dick I

got it

yeah I don't know what that is either

once you go to a doctor over works out

of candy

shit he's on airplane what what do you


it's gonna crash you can carry it is


ok ok

so my first gig is this coming friday

and i don't know anything about it

genuinely do not know what it is

so my hotel room in North Carolina and I

google Jesus

my real open again and then taking a

good friday wiki

and i read a little bit and what I

wasn't very quickly is that that was not

a good day from Jesus and all really

arguably the worst day of his life

and I don't know those you were hanging

on the ropes that will come back maybe

one of the reasons he's not as the cold

hard literal irony of calling that day

by that name

maybe should rally little grassroots

momentum towards supposed to change the

fucking name is something more on is

like the worst fucking day Jesus his


the baby's be like alright that was a

nice gesture

I'll go down and see if I can salvage

some of those morons

by morons I mean anyone in here

are you getting mad already getting of


ok ok ok

I just projected a personality under so

anyways some reading the story good

friday and i have to relate to it in a

personal way because that's how I read

things i'm not saying that I'm Jesus

like they have any aspirations to be a

Jesus I mean

I think I have the charisma

charm to be a co-leader my vision quite

as well activision

my partly i can bring people together i

can get people into the room

but you guys had those kind of

expectations i believe you disappointed

if you even going like I wasn't up

listen at all

I think that guy's got his message

together is it would get sad eventually

of you don't be like sorry I guess I'm

just gonna get Sonny exile towel

with your new years from now hello Jean

something like what mirrored meant by a

hotel are we guess we are are we

it fell on deaf ears when Mary was

preaching his gospel but now he's more


sadly I was the last night anyone saw

him in Chicago

rumor has it he entered the water tried

to catch fish underneath the water

Marion's roofing about Jesus for no

reason got completely offering now more


so okay let's stay in it so I'm going to

turn around design and make sure I got

this in the can

good friday we see if i can get it right

Jesus is in trouble standing before

Pilate pilots right all this guy

yeah I deal with this going to choose my

hair I deal with you Jesus goes the hair

on in my mind arrogance

I going to do with this gun

troublemaker this one

some Christian came up to me after she

said you know Sarah wasn't meet you Mike

don't buzz kill with truth so the

arrogance go back to Pilate on deal with

this and then Jesus goes back to pilot

the pilots my fly you back I want

anything to do with this

let the crowd what to do what you're

doing Jesus the crowd goes kill as a

story right so Jesus done because

machine ground

I've had that experience

I can just come back and try again jesus

really died right adults he died and

came back from the dead right grown-up


came back from the dead that's it right

and again and you can help you with them

right now that's impossible

no it's jesus i just want to postulate

this idea is it possible that like a few

of the Apostles like he's carrying

around work we get it

where's your body was the party can i

think we can hoist it up which is kept

behind the shell right here

looking with age of crying and bright

green we did it

throw back down here said

reasonable question the culturally

living today do you think Jesus was a

fast zombies your ass was on

live why I had to do that

people that Jesus in their mind I just I

just so late

your pristine image of Jesus like you

have going now you have to indulge it

whenever he came back like that

we will be so freaked out there

that's great no it's not it's not

when you talk about we've been way he's

eating children which is eating shoji

eating everybody this is eating people

it's our ball

wow this is not what we expected I know


one of what are you going to do

I'm getting follow Jesus I've been


I don't see why they should scare away

all the fuck he's coming let's just run

for now

alright Merryn it's not about Jesus

anymore now I don't love kale

I got a moderate do you love it and you

white winded happening

when did you kill thing happen cultural

in the cultural conversation about

guilty i went to my whole life never had

one conversation about kale now one out

of three involved somehow

whose recent maybe three years ago the

first video came up to me and said eat

kale like no I'm not then you're dying

you're dying

we need to eat kale juice shooters

something get it in I don't make though

doing longer me now you're weird

now it's just a weird thing you're doing

I maybe had one conversation about

killing was a little kid when my family

went to an all-you-can-eat restaurant i

was getting food my dad I've had think i

said 'dad water on these green leaves on

the ice to run the food we're getting

and my dad I'm paraphrasing so that

scale they grow it for garbage

when you kill me the jump from they

garnish to life essential when did that


around the same time that people started

putting bacon and everything I can track

those same time have to kill

conversation the first one was around

the same time the first guy came up to

me sit your red baking cupcakes

like no big it's not for cup case it is

now man

sweet say we get onboard grown

about three years ago Kalin baking

replace good and evil on our culture

just have to find someplace Detroit them

to be the moral life

let's be honest there's only two ways to

prepare kale that I have found you can

either prepare it sadly or

self-righteously those are the only ways

this is sadly this is bullshit man my

and mrs. self-righteous sorry

mmm yes I

eating healthy monkeys Gary

let's talk about love I guess you are

you doing down there

what's up you have to take a picture

without me i like is your drunkie

you two Shelby why don't know that like

i want to stop the entire momentum at

the show

soldier drunken desire to take a picture

of me


you got the cocktails and somehow or

another you've decided this is just

about me

that's not the whole night

ok ok here i have an idea

don't ruin the rest of the day


okay yeah I've been through some

relationships lightly something you're

up to speed on some of that stuff some

bad ones there's been some bad once like

I was with a woman for a few years or

three and a half years almost married

and I realized I don't think she likes

me and all ever

that's the word mommy ever had that

already wake up and you're with them for

three and a half years like you never

liked me at all have you and then you

have to ask yourself why the hell did I

let that happen and for me it was like

that was the best three years of my life

every other way career picked up i was

making a living again I wasn't hating on

myself and all but some part of my brain

was like we can outsource their job

bring are going to do it be fine and

that was an 8-3 relationship man that's

why can't do that anymore I can't do the

angry like I'm so much better

I'm so much better you know when you're

angry person and find another angry

person ages yell and fuck and cry and

you think that's intimacy the crying


this is crazy it's crazy and it's


like it's hard to get out of that

because there's no sex better than the

sex had on a pile of clothing taken out

of chores to leave you with I mean sex

so much depends on that you give you a

show up for work that day

no sloppy apologizing in the middle of

that one

you don't want to end with sorry and

then you need right baby

what do you say we put these clothes


but it's embarrassing to be in a yelling

relationship because like like you have

neighbors like in this like he gets

shamed yourself you're screaming at each

other and then one day realize like

they've got to be hearing everything

like you like to see my neighbor put his

garbage on that fight the years should

not say I'm not it

they're not just the most views were

both doing

killing nearly 60 says dr you hear that


why you looking at me where Jim even

live here you my fucking aber nicotine

yeah most Mary's out

then there was the age appropriate one

who I thought was in love with and that

was rough

that was crazy she started the

relationship by saying this to me I will

not tolerate yelling and I will not

tolerate leaving so what do I do

but most of those would be the right

thing to do

crying was the answers crying was ok

scored how futures online

that's right underneath the angry just

as sad with a boy with a rock the non

cares about

it'sit's resource under there and your

anger like you ever yelling at a woman

in your man 95 hours and the time all

you should be saying is why can't you be

my mommy you know my mommy

I know men and they're like thanks for

giving giving him a tool-mark

help us which team are you on brother

missing is true crime by little bit of

mine Cummings good for you but I will

say this the two most embarrassing

things you can become doing as a man or

maybe you just say as this man

are either crying uncontrollably his

weeping uncontrollably or experiencing

profound joy

let's try a little straight it was for

you physically by either this goes


or this

and if you think that you have profound

joy in your life you're not doing that

your temporary and probably for good


who would tolerate them for more than


write down her down

not attracted to

so that really down market and want this

relationship which was very very

beneficial to Mike's here for a while

more later

the longest thing is weird you can

actually make it work because the

technology you can have around this

situation with some sense of intimacy

because again skype you can be you can

talk in real time to a person and

watching got to you in real time on your

screen and you can say things like

romantic things like move closer your

heads actual size

weird right

you have skype sex which is a cute way

of saying you're masturbating to each

other masturbating in real time while

you watch each other

masturbating that's cool

I know everyone's done it for you will

do it

it's only the first time that's weird

the first time making your I guess we're

doing this we doing it you're doing it

by the second time you're like a setup I

get set up i got with it was now

this guy back and find it yet

there's only one rule for skype sex

really it's just the only advice I can

give use stay focused on what's


just stay focused don't let your eyes

drift to the little box in the left-hand

corner which is staying


try to avoid that bomber like Lucy said

macerating the eye

that's me

the only way to keep that box open

positioning my in



the universal sign for jerking off that

doesn't mean anything anywhere else

there's no culture where this means

ripping your day God there was one but

they didn't survive

we're so proud that stupid joke


it's weird though like I don't know

where the gender conversation or debate

is at any given day you know I know

there's constant two issues and

struggles to understand that but I do

know that one slow woman came up to me

after the show after I done that and she

said angrily you know women masturbate

and I'm like oh i didn't know i had to

cover but what do you want me to do

like so now i gotta be like word

you remember the first time you saw a

woman masturbating in front of you and

the first time he has a wow that thing

can take a beating

I thought that was a fragile flower but

like you're digging for something oh my

you want me to touch you like now I

realize oh my god we gotta ease into

that I can't even look at you the same

way right now

no I'd see I don't talk about sex so

much because they like you for some

reason like we decided to start i have

to talk about it a little bit i've been

talking about more weight on stage

she's like it's like it's this is weird

job like but there's we're doing is

really like dance time and no pants and

I'm like you know nothing it's time like

we all do that we all were all were

filthy animals

yeah it's amazing language was here to

work not gonna work

right casting anyone that kinda i think

it was weird like mom is here this guy

because i don't i'm not really know why

i do but i had created a life like that

woman who like almost had a baby with

the one who I was gonna marry like she

really wanted a baby

all right i'm gonna try to walk over

here and she really wanted to be

and I hadn't really want one right and

they impacted gagging use protection or

anything because I'm like this is really

guys so I'm a child when it comes to

protection what did you do anything I'm

that guy so that 51 not proud not proud

alright people right what about diseases

well you know you speculate

anyways I'm sharing this for reasons

that I don't know but I'm going to like

sheet need to find out if anyone's ever

felt like she wanted a baby so bad and I

don't want one but she did badly so like

if I if I came anywhere within a foot of

her vagina i started had keep an eye on


these are y'all getting dinner Kleenex

but that stays out

days on the tummy doesn't go in right

you want to finger baby going to be part

of it

that's where you're going to draw the

line that that to most TV was like

cutting off we need to know that is that

where that seeing that like them like

for all people here right everyone in

here everyone has had come on them every

one of you

come on you

every woman in here as said can you get

something please

yes it is a lot but you just get it

just get me get a towel not that towel

get shitty town

every man here surprised themselves

servation session he think was gonna


shit fuck ok


everyone has had come on

where we come from it's one with bonds


it is and we also get some fighting like

you know when you'd like to do something

sexually like one night you would be

your partner i can always get did that


we are dirty and then he just got to

come to work next thing is that like

like a person and now i get filthy


the only thing that keeps society like

together is dancing shade

that's the only alright but what's close

with something big

ice cream you go fuck itself

I know something you're like understand

I crazy fun it's got great what we

probably the problem because it's

fucking horrible because I can I gotten

by the issue with ice cream for me I

screams for children to enjoy and for me

feel ashamed right this is just the way

i breathe i I'm a drug addict I haven't

done anything like 16 years like doesn't

make me a good

my point is if I eat a little ice cream

it's not i don't know how long it's

going to go on before you go on fucking


daily struggle with ice cream it's

pathetic but it's real because ice cream

it's the perfect drug you can work both

ways like it like this show Scott while

I could like I can end this show Carly

device account will keep this party


google ice Cream's like keep Rocking

or let's say that went badly and I was

like why do I even do comedy

I don't want to live anymore is my


were called waste beautiful drug we

struggle for me because I compulsive

without me to walk you through it

you have more sympathy for this this

drug ok let's do it

you don't know what I'm doing

that's it's like is where i could you

imagine if if you have OCD

like as a comic and you have like three

things to work with

I guess sounds a short performance piece

called OCD gun

so you didn't happen ice cream mr. this

is destructive

let's say just did actually let's say I

just had a good stead at the comic store

in Hollywood and I Drive home i get home

1145 at night I walked into my house and

i think thats good day a good set

I just gonna get some sleep like a

grown-up gonna go to bed now in part of

my brain will get caught dad fucking ice

cream time was good

let's get to my 30 my notes later

there's no reason that you ice cream at

this hour

yeah we're adults I don't think we need

to do that

fuck you and all whole let's get some

ice cream now I tried to do this one

know the store closes its close we're

never gonna make you can make it man you

can make it right now

alright it's open for 10 more minutes

and i'm like i don't really think we

should shut up go get it like alright

alright today I'm driving going to get

ice cream do any of that

thanks singleness of purpose recall is

gonna be good like nothing I screams

always going to deliver there's nothing

in life that is that steady where you're

like many kidding it's gonna go in my



so I'm driving I get to the store and I

can see they're trying to close i have

to fight the urge do not say this out

loud I'm getting ice cream

so then you guys grammel to the ice

cream freezer and liking you just stand


you haven't been there in a few weeks

and the next Wow Ben & Jerry's system


19 flavors why don't they just make the

flavors it's called his way to my shit

this ice cream yeah

like that where you figured out this

right-hander goldfish well I guess they

know what they're doing

bacon of course

anysex we're trying

in my mind I'm gonna get one pint I

screaming incidents gonna last me a

couple of days

we think that every time I do it I

always see this is what happens i get a

complicated flavor maybe a new one

maybe it'll stand by my peanut butter

cup perhaps i'll get complicated flavor

right this year which is spread this out

a couple of days I'll walk three steps

i'm doing shit eating vanilla to cut it

with you but this this string God you

know I guess step back

now looking into bite-sized you might

want any ice cream and I got two points

and going home thinking I'm going to be

responsible with the ice cream now is

what happens when we get home I get

inside my house and got this first balls

can be a grown-up for ice cream

sierra fucked up because i like seeing

the first boss my only goal

it's gonna be a growing the lice so then

I'll thought the stuff out take a few

minutes thought out now take the time

saw get bowl spoon to put about a third

of the complicated flavor and a couple

hits the cut and put the words on put it

back in the freezer and then go sit down

on my couch and growing up the old ice

cream with spoon in a bowl so I just sit

there watching TV

so good

you can put the bows down

the whole ball like that and now going

in the kitchen i'll put the ball in the

same time with the spoon the sink just

sit on the couch Marshall more TV 23


my dog

take the bikes and the freezer and among

the counter pop the lid up Nobu


complicated player and then like I eat

some of the vanilla throw the goods on

thrown back in the freezer is down and

then walk my kids are going on now just

sit on my couch for flight second semi


now just eating over the freezer

like someone's getting a capturing all

the complicated layer is only like four

tablespoons when you've got a pint of

the vanilla cut in my mind me

ice cream ever been to some one-time

thing you have to go into their freezer

for some reason you see ice cream in

there that looks like it's been in there

for like months and there's party that's

right fucking people

free in there

what kind of control 31

I thought I news

I gonna get outta here before they try

to control me free

alright so now consumed well over a pint

of ice cream and i feel gross i just

said the shame engine that's what my

body is a shame engine that runs on

specific foods and I got it I got a

phantom fat issue which i know is not a

sympathetic position i'm an idiot that

always thinks he's been so like I feel

it in my my heart even though I know

it's not thereby just Morpheus my mom's


try to have a little compassion

so now I'm just like what did i do more

flies cream it's gross and like in my

mind about going on to didn't like it

ok so just go to bed and now i'm giving

a bit no I don't know where to put my

hands and tab

which is why in there i want to fuck

hi screams bullshit warning now i can't

fucking sleep

am I gonna do now

some boys goes you know what you're

gonna do now

there is a sad we masturbate that's what

you do

that's like the worst kind of

masturbation when you don't want to do

it you just doing it because you don't

feel getting your way he likely to

commit to it

and when you come you actually go

shit ok ok don't leave me monkey daddy


the effective do it down

as night and like this like way they're

really 40 seconds like let's do some ice


you're gonna go hit


The Description of Marc Maron More Later 2015 | Marc Maron Stand Up Comedy Special Show