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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Frank vs God

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[music playing]

[knocking]

[door opening]

>>Good afternoon, sir.

We'd like to talk to you about God.

>>All right.

What do you want to know?

>>No.

We'd just like to share the good news that God

has a plan for your life.

>>You know, you seem like nice fellas,

but I think you should leave now.

You wouldn't like Brutus when he's angry.

[dog whining]

>>Allow me to ask you one question, sir.

Do you know that God loves you?

>>Hey, let me ask you a question.

Do you believe in heaven?

>>Yes, sir, I do.

>>And do you believe that you, as a believer,

will be among the righteous living in eternal bliss

when you die?

>>Yes, sir, I do.

>>Well, then, allow me to hasten your reward.

[gun cocking]

[music playing]

>>Who loves you, D?

[door buzzing]

Lucky for you, I persuaded the church

to drop the charges by assuring them that you're

completely crazy but harmless.

>>Come on.

I was just messing with them.

It wasn't even loaded.

>>David, my friend, why don't you

devote that passion and that fine legal mind

to pursuing real justice?

>>You mean why don't I don't come back

to be a corporate whore?

>>Hey.

I resemble that remark.

>>[chuckling]

>>Really love what you've done with the place.

>>Told you.

Jail was a step up.

>>Come on, man.

It's time to move on.

>>Crazy, sure.

But harmless?

How dare you.

[music playing]

[car starting]

>>Oh, yes!

Yes!

Who's your daddy, huh?

Huh?

Did you miss me?

Come, noble Brutus.

You must be hungry.

Thanks for holding down the fort while I was inside.

I tell you, I what it's like to be in a cage.

That's why I could never put you in a kennel.

There's no way I could incarcerate your soul.

You feel?

Good.

So we're in total accord on that point.

[wind blowing]

[wind chimes ringing]

[music playing]

[faint echoing laughter]

[music playing]

>>Hola, muchacho.

Are you ready to get your ass kicked?

>>Oh, let the games begin.

[music playing]

Oh, you want a welcome?

Dirty!

You know what happens to girls who play that way?

They owe their landlords $850.

That is what I'm talking about.

>>Whatever.

You're still my bitch.

>>Because you are a ruthless capitalist.

Face it-- you are the man.

>>Hey.

I work for a living.

I ain't got no time for losers who can't pay their rent.

>>I didn't realize you were such a Republican.

>>I'm not.

I'm a libertarian.

>>I just don't get what a smart girl like you

is doing turning tricks.

>>I don't get what a big-shot lawyer's

doing sitting around the house and acting like a homo.

>>What, you think I'm gay?

>>I don't know many straight guys

paying me for my stimulating conversation.

>>You mean abuse.

Your conversation's about as stimulating

as a kick in the nuts.

>>Oh.

>>Pass Go.

Collect $200.

>>You sure you don't wanna mess around or something?

>>No.

Thanks.

>>Weird.

>>Same time next week?

>>Uh, I'm gonna be gone next week.

>>Where you going?

>>I'm gonna see my niece in Ocala.

>>I didn't know you had a niece.

>>Yeah.

Lucy.

She's nine.

She's, uh-- she's a little knucklehead.

[music playing]

So.

Just, uh-- just feed him and, uh, let him out twice a day.

Make sure he's got plenty of food and fresh water.

And, uh-- and that's about it.

It's a-- it's a pretty easy gig since I-- I killed

the plants a long time ago.

It's a-- it's a long story.

Come here, boy.

[music playing]

>>Uncle David!

>>Hey!

Oh.

It's good to see you.

[kiss]

>>[laughing] [coughing]

>>How is she doing?

>>Not so great.

We're looking at another round of chemo, maybe

a marrow transplant.

>>You know, if you need some money--

>>Look, all I know is that little girl in there

adores you.

So why don't you quit your yapping

and get washed up for supper?

>>Dear Lord, please bless all your children and all those in

need tonight.

And we ask that you bless Lucy with strength and with health.

And we thank you so for all your many blessings, Lord.

Please bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies

and our bodies to your service.

In Jesus' name.

Amen.

>>Amen.

>>Holy crap!

>>--from the Atlantic with winds of nearly 120 miles per hour.

And meteorologists are warning it could carry tornadoes as far

inland as the Orlando area.

>>This is David Frank calling again!

I really need someone to call me back urgently!

Come on you little brat.

Answer the damn phone!

>>Isn't there anyone else you can call?

[beep]

Brutus?

Brutus, if you can hear me, press the speaker button.

Come on, boy!

Press the speaker button, boy!

Come on, boy.

Come on, Brutus.

You can do it!

Button!

[beep]

[bark]

>>Good dog!

Good dog!

OK, daddy's coming.

It's gonna be OK.

Hang tight.

[beep]

I'm sorry, but I really gotta go, OK?

OK.

>>Evacuations are in effect.

Residents are encouraged to seek shelter or head inland

to safety.

[music playing]

>>Come on, people!

Come on!

[barking]

[music playing]

[siren wailing]

[wind blowing]

[glass breaking]

[dog whining]

[siren wailing]

>>He's not stopping.

[siren wailing]

[car accelerating]

[tires squealing]

[siren wailing]

[music playing]

[barking]

>>Listen to me.

My associate is trapped inside my house.

Comprende?

He is disabled and needs my assistance.

>>Now, look.

You listen to me, sir.

No one is going into that area except qualified search

and rescue teams.

Now if you tell us your address, we'll

try to send a team in to rescue your friend.

Sir, can you please tell us where your house is?

>>Right there.

That's my house.

[dog barking]

[music playing]

>>Oh, hell no.

[glass breaking]

[dog barking]

>>Please.

He's a good dog.

He never hurt anyone.

Take me.

I'm ready.

I'm old.

But don't you dare harm a hair on that dog's head.

[music playing]

[crashing]

[footsteps]

[clanging]

[click]

>>Well, the home is definitely a total loss.

There's no question about that.

>>House can be rebuild.

My sweet, noble Brutus can never be replaced.

>>Yes.

Well, of course, the dog was not insured.

>>Is that all you care about?

Money?

>>I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

At times like this, the financial concern

is definitely secondary to the extreme and terrible

emotional toll that--

>>My house was covered for full replacement value, right?

>>>>[sighing] I'm afraid your policy

does not cover tornadoes.

>>[scoffs]

What are you talking about?

It was a natural disaster.

I'm covered for natural disasters, right?

>>Yes, certain natural disasters-- floods,

rain storms, lightning strikes.

But as it clearly states, paragraph I, other damages

due to extraordinary weather conditions,

such as cyclones, tornadoes, fire storms, locusts, geysers,

tidal waves, and tsunamis will be deemed acts of God

and not covered under said policy.

>>Let me see that.

Acts of God?

Acts of God?

What kind of BS is that?

>>I know.

I hear you.

It's-- it's-- it's arcane.

It's ridiculous.

But it's the law.

>>Look, I'm a lawyer, and this is a load of crap.

>>As a lawyer, I'm sure you understand that act of God

is a traditional legal term to denote natural disasters not

covered under the standard terms of the policy.

>>Well, everything's a freaking act of God!

I mean, when I take this putter and I shove it up your ass,

technically, that's an act of God, too, right?

>>>>[chuckling nervously] There's no need

to get hostile, Mr. Frank.

>>Oh, really?

You see, I think there is.

>>Elaine, get security in here now!

[chuckling nervously] Mr. Frank, I appreciate this has been

a traumatizing circumstance--

>>Ah!

>>Please!

I didn't destroy your house.

>>No.

God did.

[tires squealing]

Why?

What have I done to deserve this?

Am I a bad person?

Am I am evil person?

[tires squealing]

Act of God?

What kind of crap is that?

All right, God.

Here I am in your house.

And I want to know, did you destroy my house?

Come on.

Let's see an act of God, huh?

Come on.

Bring it!

Strike me down!

Yeah.

Act of God, my ass.

>>How can I help you, my son?

>>Look, I am not your son, so just step back, man, OK?

I'm not in the mood.

>>Well, perhaps you'd like to tell me what's troubling you.

>>Troubling me?

Oh, I'm no trouble.

I left trouble behind me a long time ago, Padre.

>>What happened, my son?

>>You want to know what happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

The insurance company told me that my house

was destroyed by an act of God.

Now, can you tell me why God would want to destroy my house?

>>Sometimes when we suffer a terrible loss--

>>Oh, just stop with the platitudes!

>>How can I help you?

>>You can answer the question.

Did God destroy my house?

It's a yes or no question.

>>And what if He did?

>>Well, if God destroyed my house,

then God should pay for it! [echoing]

[music playing]

>>You filed a lawsuit?

You're suing someone in a court of law.

Mazel tov!

Oh, I've been waiting for this day, man.

Congratulations.

So, who you naming in the suit?

>>I'm suing God.

>>I'm sorry.

I thought you said God.

>>That's right.

For damages to my house.

>>[sighs]

Oh.

You're still the same crazy bastard.

It's just a new package.

>>I need your help.

>>David, I love you like a brother,

but I am not going to aid and abet your self-destruction.

>>My name's still on the door, Bennett.

>>How the hell do you sue God anyway?

>>Well, naturally you start by serving Him.

[music playing]

>>The body of Christ.

The body of Christ.

>>Bishop Bernardo Rossini?

>>Yes, my son?

>>You've been served.

[music playing]

Rabbi Max Grossman?

>>Yes?

>>You've been served.

[music playing]

[non-english speech]

Imam al Bakri.

[music playing]

[music playing]

[phone ringing]

>>This is Rachel.

>>Ms. Levin, It's Sam Grossman.

>>Rabbi.

What can I do for you?

>>I'm calling about a legal matter.

A lawsuit, actually?

>>Oh.

Rabbi, you know I don't do that kind of work anymore.

>>I understand.

But this is a unique case, something

I think will be of special interest to you.

>>OK, I'll bite.

Who's the defendant?

[music playing]

God needs our help.

Make no mistake.

This case, as unorthodox and frivolous as it may appear,

is not only a legitimate legal challenge,

but it is also a challenge to our most core values

and beliefs.

And while there may be a diversity of beliefs

represented here, there is one thing that joins us all,

and that's our faith.

We're spiritual beings.

And as such, we are sometimes called upon

to defend that faith.

>>But to dignify this stunt with a response

would give that schmuck the attention he craves, right?

>>I say we take the high road here

and let the poets toss it out.

>>No.

Stakes are too high.

If, God forbid, any sort of legal precedent is set,

we could potentially open the door

to billions of dollars of damaging litigation.

[chatter]

>>We cannot sit idly by and allow this blasphemy.

We must defend the honor of Allah.

If that is in a Florida State court, so be it.

[chatter]

>>Brothers, sisters, to speak of defending God's honor

it's paradoxical and only reflects out

own egotism in the matter.

[chatter]

>>Leave God out of it.

This is a legal matter.

And as my people know, you cannot trust the court

to deliver justice.

>>He's right.

This case demands a vigorous defense.

>>Forgive me, Ms. Levin.

This is all very noble, but what's it going to cost?

Are you hoping for some sort of settlement or a retainer?

>>Absolutely not.

I would insist on doing this entirely pro bono.

>>I see.

Why is that?

>>Let's just say, uh, I owe Him one.

>>All those in favor of retaining

Miss Levin to represent us collectively in this matter,

raise your hand.

Well, congratulations, Ms. Levin.

You are now officially God's lawyer.

[applause]

>>You're sure you want to give it up?

>>Give what up?

>>That last shred of dignity that you've been holding on to.

>>You're missing the point, Bennett.

>>Oh.

There's a point.

Oh, you don't have to do this, you know.

>>Actually, I think I do.

>>Oh, David, my friend.

There's nothing more annoying and pathetic

than a principled attorney.

[music playing]

>>Mr. Frank, is there a statement

you'd like to make before the hearing today?

>>Well, I'd just like to say that I'm looking forward

to a good, clean fight.

I know that God is a tough and formidable opponent.

But like all deities, He's got weak spots in his game,

you know.

I think I can take Him, huh?

Anyway, thanks for coming out.

[chatter]

[music playing]

>>All rise for the Honorable Justice Jordan Randall.

>>Be seated.

In the matter of David Nathaniel Frank versus God,

how does the Lord answer this complaint?

>>Your Honor, the defense would like

to move for an immediate dismissal at this time.

>>On what grounds?

>>Where do I start?

How about insufficient cause, lack of jurisdiction,

absence of a corporeal defendant.

And, oh, yeah, how about that the whole thing is

completely and utterly absurd?

>>Yeah, but aside from that?

[chatter]

[gavel pounding]

>>Mr. Frank, I have to agree.

The case seems absurd.

Can you inform me as to why I shouldn't allow the dismissal?

>>Your Honor, what is God?

I'm sure there are as many answers to that question

as there are people in the world.

But I think we can all agree in principle

that God is an entity.

Although we can't see Him or prove His existence,

He is nonetheless an entity to which many of us

are faithfully dedicated to.

Your Honor, I respectfully submit

that God is a corporation.

The word "incorporate" comes from the Latin.

Corporeal, to bring that which is

ethereal into the real world, which is exactly what

religion is all about.

Like God, a corporation is an entity

which only exists in the abstract sense,

and just as the officers of that corporation

execute the will of the corporate entity,

so the clergy act as intermediaries

between the divine abstraction and the great unwashed.

You might say that religion is, in essence, God, incorporated.

Your Honor, using this corporate model,

I intend to demonstrate that if the destruction of my home

is legally deemed an act of God, then these religious groups

must be held responsible for that damage

or be in violation of fair trade practice law.

>>Your Honor, that's a delightful little legal balloon

animal that Mr. Frank just twisted for us,

but I don't see how that has any real relevance to the motion

to dismiss.

>>Ten-minute recess.

[gavel pounds]

>>This man is a complete lunatic.

He's flamboyant, outrageous, and delusional.

He's perfect.

>>If I take his case, I'll be the laughing stock

of the 11th Circuit.

>>No one's going to be laughing at you, Judge.

They'll be talking about you.

Everyone will be talking about you.

You give this nut job enough rope,

let him inflame the religious right,

then you get to be the hero who executes justice and saves God.

This is a gift.

It's a divine gift.

>>You think so?

>>I do, Senator.

>>Regarding the motion to dismiss,

after careful consideration, Mr. Frank

has demonstrated to my satisfaction

that this case is not without merit.

Motion is denied.

[gavel pounds]

>>My house was destroyed.

My dog was taken from me.

Excuse me.

Ms.-- yeah, Ms. Levin?

Ms. Levin.

>>Congratulations.

That was some impressive rhetorical gymnastics.

>>I'm a world-class BS-er, but, hey, you got God for a client.

I mean, you must be feeling pretty good about that.

>>Do you even believe in God, Mr. Frank?

>>I'm suing him, aren't I?

>>Yeah.

But the question is, why?

>>Hm.

Why?

What did He tell you?

>>Mm.

Sorry.

That's attorney-client privilege.

[music playing]

>>Does God exist?

>>Yes.

He most certainly does.

>>How do you know?

>>I know because I have felt His love and grandeur

in my own life.

>>Really?

How?

Did God ever rain out a ball game you were losing

or pick up a check for lunch?

>>Objection.

This line of questioning is immaterial, irreverent,

and frankly, it's insulting.

>>I'm simply trying to establish God's existence.

>>The heavens declare the glory of God.

And the skies declare the work of His hands.

Proof of the existence of God is all around us, Mr. Frank,

if we choose to see it.

Because faith in God is not a blind

leap into the dark but a safe step into a well-lit room.

>>No evidence.

So if God does exist, what's He so pissed off about?

>>Mr. Frank, we aren't here to exercise

your personal antipathy towards God.

So if we could just stick to the facts of the case,

keep the heresy to a minimum.

>>Where was God on the night in question?

Was He, in fact, in the vicinity of the 3500 block, Bristol

Lane, Altamonte Springs?

Because I will produce witnesses that

place the defendant at the scene and will

testify that He was, in fact, behind the tornado, which

destroyed my house.

>>I don't know if God brought your house down.

I know He's all powerful, yes.

But does He micro-manage the weather?

Judaism doesn't really concern itself with such things.

We believe in the word of God, the Torah, in fact.

One doesn't even have to believe in God

to be a Jew as long as he follows God's law.

>>So you can deny God and still be a Jew?

>>Well, maybe not really a Jew, but "Jew-ish."

>>Did Allah destroy my house?

>>A tornado destroyed your house.

Sadly, Allah did not spare you.

Perhaps if you were to demonstrate

a little more respect for His word,

His divine love would shine upon you in the future.

>>So if I just follow the Quran, my house

would still be standing.

>>Couldn't hurt.

>>No further questions.

>>Seriously, what is the point here?

>>Point is I'm building my case against God, seriously.

>>Your subpoena list includes the Dalai Lama and the pope.

How am I supposed to take that seriously?

>>The closer I get to God, the stronger my case.

>>And what do you expect to find in all this searching?

>>I guess that's why they call this process discovery.

>>What are you really after?

>>I just want someone to pay for my house, some accountability.

>>Uh-uh.

There's more.

>>Nope.

Sorry.

It ain't that deep.

It's just about the money.

I'm actually pretty shallow.

>>Really?

So then it wasn't an act of integrity

that caused a successful attorney to quit practicing law

three years ago?

>>No.

It was not an act of integrity.

I had mine surgically removed.

>>Really?

>>Yeah.

I had to go to Sweden for the operation,

but I found it made me a much more effective lawyer.

You should try it.

I can get you the number.

>>No, thank you.

I'm quite fond of mine.

>>Yeah, well, I guess if you're God's lawyer,

it's probably a nice accessory.

>>Yes, it does come in handy, you

know, using my powers for good instead of evil.

You know, you should try it.

I can get you the number.

>>Thanks, but, uh, like I said, I'm shallow.

>>I used to think that money would buy me happiness.

>>You mean you don't care about money?

What kind of lawyer are you?

>>Retired.

>>Can you tell me, what is an act of God?

>>Well, "act of God" has been common insurance-industry

parlance for centuries.

And what falls under that clause is, of course,

decided by the underwriter.

>>Does God have any say in what horrible atrocities

are ascribed to Him?

>>I decline to answer any questions pertaining

to the Almighty, aka God, or anything

of a religious, theological, or philosophical nature.

>>Invoking God's actions in a legal contract,

uh, kind of brings up theology.

>>I'm not qualified to comment on that.

>>Perhaps you lawyer would care to comment.

>>I'm not the one being deposed here.

>>Are you sure?

>>Don't underestimate Frank.

He's not a crackpot.

He's a shrewd and worthy adversary.

>>Well, I think I can handle it.

>>No doubt.

This is your domain.

But you're gonna need some help.

I've been authorized to offer my assistance

in affecting a quick and decisive resolution

to this matter.

>>That's very generous, but as you said, this is my turf.

>>That's true.

And it's also true this case should have been tossed out

at the first hearing.

Yet here we are.

>>Thank you.

So, uh, what's your interest here?

It's not the insurance companies being sued.

>>Let's just consider for a moment

that Frank is successful with his suit.

If your clients are deemed financially

responsible for every act of God around the global,

the liability would be staggering.

Where will they turn to recover their debilitating losses?

To God?

Perhaps.

But more than likely, people turn to the insurance industry.

I suggest we go on the offensive.

We take him down before he's able to spin this thing.

>>I don't want to win this by intimidation or character

assassination.

>>This man has had the audacity to drag our Lord in the mud.

I think it's only fair he should have to stand

a little scrutiny himself.

[knocking]

>>Well.

Look what the cat dragged in.

>>Don't start with me, muchacho.

>>Aren't you glad to see me?

>>I guess.

>>Is that the best you can do?

>>Sincerity costs extra.

>>Oh, get in here.

[click]

[music playing]

>>Did God destroy my house?

>>What God are we speaking of?

>>Uh, the big one?

>>The great spirit.

>>Yeah, Him.

>>The great spirit does not do tornadoes.

>>Well, which-- which God does tornadoes?

>>Indians do not separate God and nature.

Heno is the spirit of the wind.

And he is the wind.

You cannot sue the wind.

His breath is a cleansing.

He blows away the old to make room for the new.

>>Well, this Heno-- maybe he's an accessory.

>>You people.

Always looking for someone to blame.

>>Us people?

>>Lawyers.

>>[sighing]

>>You ever worry about hubris, Mr. Frank?

>>Hubris?

You mean do I ever think I'm gonna

get struck down or something?

What else could He do to me?

>>Mr. Frank, I think it would behoove you to take

this a little more seriously.

What I'm about to share with you is some very damaging

intelligence.

This hatchet, this-- this could cause some real damage.

Hey, war paint.

Check it out.

Now, what did you want to tell me?

>>You are, I believe, quite familiar with a Ms. Gina

Rodriguez, professional prostitute.

>>What about her?

>>Excuse me.

I need to get some air.

[chatter]

>>Good morning, everybody.

Thanks for coming out.

I'll be brief.

Uh, when I embarked upon this course of action,

I always knew that I would become a target,

that all the skeletons in my closet would be brought out.

And believe me, I got lots of skeletons in my closet.

I'm the first to admit that I am the last man

with the moral authority to challenge God.

I am far from a virtuous man.

I'm a corporate defense attorney for Christ sakes.

Definitely in the fast track to hell.

I break most of the commandments on a weekly basis.

I like to drink.

I occasionally smoke weed.

And much like Jesus, I enjoy the company of hookers.

>>What's a hooker?

>>Come on, honey.

Let me fix you a sandwich.

>>But I want to watch Uncle David.

>>Oh, no, you don't.

Come on.

>>Recently certain revelations about my personal life

have left me no choice but to make

the following announcement.

So at this time, I would like to-- introduce my new partner

and co-counsel in this case, Ms. Gina Rodriguez.

Ms. Rodriguez has been gracious enough

to take a sizable pay cut from the $200 an hour

she makes in a covered profession to the $20 an hour

I can pay her as my legal assistant.

So let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

>>So what do you think?

>>I think I smell a book deal.

>>Are you awake?

It's me.

Your lawyer.

I just-- I want you to know that you've

got nothing to worry about, OK?

Gonna beat this rap.

I mean, come on.

It's a layup, right?

[scrubbing]

OK, here's a confession for you.

[exhales sharply]

I'm nervous.

[sighing] God, please grant me the serenity to accept

the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I

can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

[scrubbing]

[music playing]

>>You ready to tango with the big guy?

>>Let's do this, hefe.

>>And the Lord said, all who profane me

shall be guilty of blasphemy.

And thou shalt smite the blasphemer!

Smite the blasphemer!

[yelling]

>>Smite the blasphemer!

Smite the blasphemer!

I

>>Rabbi Grossman.

Let's be honest here.

You think I'm a complete nut job, right?

>>No, sir.

>>May I remind you that you're under oath?

>>I would characterize you more as a lost, misguided soul.

>>Well, that's very generous.

But I think most people would find

dragging God into a court of law a little meshuga.

After all, God makes laws.

He doesn't follow them, right?

When the Israelites fled from Egypt in the great Exodus

and God spared them by parting the Red Sea,

the Jewish people made a Covenant with God.

He would protect them, and they would become His chosen people.

>>There are volumes of interpretation and midrash

on the meaning of the Covenant.

But yes, there is a sacred Covenant with God.

>>You are doubtless aware, Rabbi, that in ancient Egypt,

Covenant is a term used for a legally binding contract.

The Covenant with the Jewish people

was God entering into a legal contract with human beings.

>>Well, you could characterize it that way,

but I think that description diminishes

the sanctity and the magnitude of the Covenant.

>>Well, far be it from me, a lone heretic,

to be the one to bring God to trial.

But right here in the good old book of Joshua, Joshua

himself, angry with the Hebrew people

for their idolatrous ways, convened a court

and put the Covenant on trial.

Joshua himself represented God in the proceedings.

And I'm sure I don't have to tell you

who got schooled in that one.

And so we see that even in the Bible,

God can be held accountable in a court of law.

[chatter]

[music playing]

>>Would you please read the back of this bill,

tell us what it says?

>>You mean "In God we trust?"

>>Correct.

Now, would you infer from that inscription

that the dollar that you're holding

is backed by the full faith and credit of God, that

being legal tender, a legal document, should the US

Treasury fail, you would be able to recover the value

of that dollar from God?

>>No, ma'am.

>>No.

So you're able to distinguish rudimentary legal semantics

without too much difficulty?

>>That's correct.

>>This is a copy of the policy issued by your company

to Mr. Frank.

Can you kindly read the highlighted section aloud?

>>"Other damages due to extraordinary weather

conditions, such as cyclones, tornadoes, fire storms,

locusts, geysers, tidal waves, and tsunamis

will be deemed acts of God and explicitly

not covered under said policy."

>>Thank you.

And would you please read the signature

at the bottom of that page.

>>Signed by Mr. Frank.

>>No further questions.

Thank you.

>>Imam al Bakri, is it fair to say

that there is nothing of which Allah is not capable of?

>>Allah is supreme, yes.

>>Right.

So hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes-- that's

child's play for Him, right?

I mean, He created the whole universe in six days.

>>So it is written.

>>In sworn testimony, you said that the destruction

of my home, and I quote, was "Allah's will"

and that "He chose not to spare me."

>>Objection.

Your Honor, the witness is speaking

in religious generalities.

He's in no way ascribing motive or intent to the defendant.

>>Where are you going with this?

>>I'm simply demonstrating that if God is all-knowing

and all-powerful, then the destruction of my home

had to have either been an act of His will

or the result of divine neglect since He had foreknowledge

and the power to stop it, which makes Him clearly

culpable under Florida emissions statutes

and good Samaritan precedence.

[chatter]

>>Bishop Rossini, why do bad things happen to good people?

>>Well, to answer that one would need to know the unknowable,

the mind of God Himself.

Sometimes the meaning of the tragedy

can be difficult to comprehend.

But if one has faith, all things have meaning.

>>But why would a loving God allow

these tragedies to happen?

Does the Lord, as Mr. Frank suggests, want us to suffer?

>>I asked for strength.

And God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom.

And God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for courage.

And God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for love.

And God gave me troubled people to help.

My prayers were answered.

>>And in your opinion, can we, in fact,

hold God accountable for every tragedy, every stubbed toe,

every broken heart?

Does God owe us justice?

>>God is justice.

>>No further questions.

Thank you.

>>Your Eminence, can you tell us the mission

of the Catholic Church?

>>Well, I suppose broadly defined,

it is to do the Lord's work.

>>So saving souls, alleviating human suffering,

that sort of thing.

>>Yes, Mr. Frank, that sort of righteous and merciful thing.

>>Bishop, do you have any idea how much the Catholic Church's

holdings are worth?

>>No, I do not.

>>Course you don't.

No one does.

The church's assets are so vast, so

swathed in secrecy as to be incalculable.

Yet reliable estimates value the Vatican's holdings

at being greater than the world's top five

corporations combined.

But of course, we'll never know, because the Vatican is not

required to disclose any of its assets

or pay a penny of taxes anywhere in the world.

>>Objection.

Your Honor, Mr. Frank is antagonizing the witness.

The church is not on trial here.

>>Is there a point to this, Mr. Frank?

>>All I'm saying is if the Vatican is God's house,

then he sure as hell can pay for my house!

[laughter]

He done the wrath.

He can do the math.

[chatter and laughter]

[gavel pounding]

>>Order.

>>He's coming on a little bit stronger than expected.

But his arguments are legally spurious at best.

And when I present my case, I will bury him.

>>It may be too late by that point.

>>How do you mean?

>>I just mean the man's becoming popular.

We need to put a stop to this right now.

>>And how do you propose we do that?

>>By appealing to Mr. Frank's baser instincts.

>>Moo shu pork?

>>Ms. Levin.

Please come in.

Mr. Frank?

Your 9:30's here.

>>Huh?

>>Shall I have Ms. Levin wait?

>>So do you always work Saturdays?

Isn't this the sabbath?

>>Ah, well, I figure He'll forgive me.

I'm working for Him, after all.

>>Well, he's lucky to have such devoted counsel.

There's nothing like being able to really believe

in your client.

What's that like?

>>Mr. Frank, I have to give you credit.

You have prosecuted this case very creatively.

But do you really think you can win this thing?

>>Well, I don't know.

I mean, I may be a hopeless sinner,

but I do believe in miracles.

And if Jesus can walk on water, why

can't I extract a little justice from the Florida legal system?

>>Well, you know, it's not too late to drop the suit,

claim moral victory, and walk away with your dignity intact.

>>Do I look like a guy who gives a damn about dignity?

Look, that tornado not only took my house,

it also took my dog, my poor, noble Brutus,

who pathetically was the only true companionship

I had left in this world.

And someone's gonna pay.

And I think I smell fear.

So give me one good reason why I should just walk away.

>>How about 3 million reasons?

We would demand an immediate release of liability

and force a gag order.

$3 million buys a lot of house, Mr. Frank.

>>>>[laughing] So God's just trying

to buy me off and shut me up.

>>Sadly, yes.

>>[chuckling]

>>Well?

What should I tell my clients?

[splash]

[music playing]

>>Three million bucks?

How dare you?

You go back and tell God that my integrity is not for sale.

>>I thought you had it surgically removed.

>>So did I.

>>Are you crazy?

Don't answer that.

It's rhetorical.

>>It's not just about the money.

>>Oh, yeah?

That's a pretty proud stand for a homeless guy.

>>Freedom's just another word for nothing

left to lose, amigo.

>>No.

Destitute is another word for nothing left to lose.

And since when do you live your life

based on old Bob Dylan songs?

>>You just don't get it, man.

>>No.

I do get it.

You won.

Jackpot.

Ca-ching.

$3 million.

Why can't you take yes for an answer?

>>Kris Kristofferson.

>>What?

>>It was Kris Kristofferson who wrote "Me and Bobby McGee."

Although Janis Joplin had a huge hit with it.

>>Dude.

God wants to settle with you.

What more do you want?

>>This should be about the spot.

>>You sure?

>>You say that every time.

>>Next time.

>>David, fighting with God isn't gonna bring her back.

[inaudible muffled speech]

[inaudible muffled speech]

[crashing]

>>[inaudible muffled speech] But take comfort knowing that it is

God's will. [echoing]

>>Maybe he's just angry at God.

If he's willing to walk away from $3 million,

then he's obviously less mercenary

than we gave him credit for.

>>Or craves attention more than money.

>>Either way, he is not going to go away.

>>Which means we must prevail in court.

>>And you are certain that you will prevail?

>>I take my role as defender of God very seriously, Mr. Krauss.

And I have every confidence we will prevail.

Do you have a problem?

>>It's just that so far, none of the conventional strategies

have worked.

And I just feel that the unorthodox nature

of this litigation may require some more

unorthodox legal strategies.

>>What sort of strategies?

>>Consider for a moment there is no God.

I know.

But think about it, not as an existential question,

but as a game-changer.

The issue is no longer did God destroy his house,

but is there a God at all, shifting the burden of proof

on to Mr. Frank.

And as you gentlemen are well aware,

proving the existence of God is--

forgive me-- quite impossible.

>>That's very clever, Mr. Krauss.

And while we appreciate the boldness of such a strategy,

I don't think denying the Lord is for us.

>>I understand that.

>>No.

I don't think you do.

We answer to a higher law, Mr. Krauss.

And if we deny the Lord to win, then we've lost everything.

So, we'll take our chance in court.

After all, God is on our side.

[chuckling]

[thunder clapping]

>>Why are you lying to them?

>>Excuse me?

>>You don't actually believe you're gonna win this, do you?

>>You know, for God's co-counsel,

you sure don't have much faith.

>>My faith isn't the issue here.

>>Thank God for that.

Are you atheism?

>>I simply want to win, which makes me wonder what exactly it

is you want.

>>You know, this might be hard for you to understand, Carl,

but this has everything to do with faith.

>>Oh, yeah.

I know.

You suddenly got real religious after that Breslin case

a few years, didn't you?

>>Is there a point here?

>>The point is this isn't about your personal atonement,

sweetheart.

It's about money, potentially a great deal

of my client's money.

So instead of exorcising your personal demons,

you better start doing what you need

to do to quash this thing now or else get out of the way.

[thunder clapping]

>>I guess we always knew this day was coming,

but-- but we keep praying for a miracle, you know?

Oh yeah, that's right.

I forgot you don't believe in prayers.

>>Hey.

>>You know, here I am praying for the life of my baby girl,

and you're out there on TV mocking Him!

>>That has nothing to do with--

>>How do you know?

What if it has everything to do with this? (YELLING)

Did you ever think about that, brother?

>>Billy.

>>Huh?

>>Hey, don't do this.

Don't do this.

>>Sh.

Sh.

>>You know there's nothing I wouldn't

do for that little girl.

[music playing]

>>Please, God, have mercy on me.

Give me strength.

I'm scared.

I'm afraid that I'm unworthy of the faith that's

been put in me.

Please.

Help me understand why I feel so alone.

>>How you doing, big guy?

Bet you're surprised to see me, huh?

Yeah, well, that makes two of us.

Look, I don't really know how this works, but, uh, I

read your book, though.

It was good.

[thunder clapping]

Look, I-- I know I'm the last guy to be asking any favors,

but if you are up there, please, please help little Lucy.

but if you are up there, please, please help little Lucy.

I'll do anything.

I'll-- I'll join a monastery.

I'll-- I'll do charity work for lepers.

Wait.

Do lepers even exist anymore?

Whatever.

My ass is yours.

I'm begging here.

[thunder clapping]

>>Do you believe in God, Mr. Frank?

>>Is this an essay question?

>>No, it's a yes or no question.

Do you believe in God or don't you?

>>I believe if God does exist He could totally

kick Superman's ass in a fight.

>>Funny.

Seems that you find God and religious faith

a source of great amusement.

Is this all just a big joke to you, Mr. Frank?

>>Actually, I don't-- I don't think this is funny at all.

>>Right.

But here you are suing God, an entity

whom you don't appear to believe exists.

Some might consider this suit a cynical attempt

to extort money from these religious groups, money that

would otherwise be spent helping the truly needy instead

of rebuilding the estates of high-priced attorneys

like yourself.

Do you believe in anything at all, Mr. Frank?

>>I believe that good digestion is the key

to health and happiness.

I believe that the Clash is the greatest rock and roll

band ever.

I believe in the laws of physics and that Einstein's theory

of relativity is the single greatest

insight of the 20th century.

I believe with the-- the right defensive line,

the Buccaneers could go all the way,

and the disparity between the salaries

of professional athletes and public school teachers

is obscene.

I believe money doesn't buy happiness,

but it does buy freedom.

I believe in buying and holding companies

with solid fundamentals.

I believe in brushing before bedtime.

I believe in ghosts but not UFOs, crop circles and Bigfoot.

And I believe the greatest evidence of divine providence

is the gift of being able to truly,

selflessly, and tenaciously love another human being.

You still haven't answered my question.

>>Perhaps I don't understand the question.

Then again, maybe you don't understand the question.

>>The question is, how can you blame God

for destroying your home when you don't even

believe that He exists?

>>I don't know if He exists or not.

You know, maybe I'm faith-challenged.

But if He does exist, yeah, I blame Him.

I blame Him for everything.

I blame Him for my house, for my dog,

for letting innocent children suffer and die.

I blame Him for all the horrible tragedies in this stinking

world He created, for all the war and atrocities,

for all the killing and death done in His name.

And I'm sick and tired of people making excuses for Him,

thinking He is always righteous and there

has to be a purpose behind every horrible tragedy.

I'm sorry, but bad things happen to good people,

good things happen to bad people,

and horrible things happen to innocent people.

Shit happens.

And I don't know how to find any meaning in it.

So I'm left with two choices.

Either God is cruel, or He doesn't exist.

And quite frankly, most of the time, it is a hell of a lot

easier to believe the latter.

>>That, of course the emotional testimony today

from David Frank's lawsuit against God,

a trial that's garnered national attention

and triggered heated debate.

And while Mr. Frank is becoming sort

of a spokesman for a lot of disenfranchised people,

he has also inflamed a lot of anger,

especially among evangelical Christians and others who

have been very vocal in their--

>>Spokesman for the disenfranchised.

This clown's turning my courtroom into a circus.

>>That's why you need to stop this now.

>>I can't just stop a trial, Luis, especially one

as high profile as this.

And may I remind you that you are the one who

advised me to hear this case?

>>And now I'm advising you to kill this

before it gets to the jury.

If Frank prevails, you will forever

be known as the liberal judge who ruled against God.

You wouldn't be elected dog catcher.

>>The defense has raised the issue of jurisdiction.

The court has reviewed the issue and concluded

that while, in fact, it does have jurisdiction

over the action at hand, it may lack personal jurisdiction

over the primary defendant, God Almighty.

And since the defendant is not present,

is not known to make Seminole County

his primary business location, I have no choice

but to restrict the arguments to those addressing

the defendants present.

Any and all references to God and His actions

will be excluded.

The jury is now instructed to disregard all such references.

>>Your Honor, with all due respect,

how am I supposed to conduct a suit against God

without referencing God?

>>Mr. Frank, this court has given you a tremendous amount

of latitude in prosecuting God.

But if the accused is not present to defend Himself,

this court will simply not allow Him to be party to this suit.

>>So what do you want, a burning bush?

>>Save it for appeal.

>>Why are you doing this?

[gavel pounding]

>>Order.

>>Why are you doing this?

>>Order.

[gavel pounding]

>>Man, I am screwed.

Without God, I got nothing.

He's killing me.

>>Killing would be merciful.

He's just crippling you, letting you limp along mortally wounded

and bleeding.

>>Why don't we challenge personal jurisdictional

on quasi and rem?

Shaffer versus Heitner, the Supreme Court

ruled that minimum dealings with the form jurisdiction

may be sufficient to exercise personal jurisdiction

over an individual or corporation

with which the state has no ties or relations.

I've been thinking about going to law school.

>>Well, you know what?

You'd make an amazing lawyer.

>>Damn right I would.

Thank you.

>>De nada.

>>That's great, Gina, but what they don't teach you

in law school is that if the judge wants you to lose,

you're gonna lose.

>>I did a judge once.

I've been screwed by justice.

>>It's time to punt, partner.

>>Fourth and goal?

>>David, grab the money before it goes away.

>>At this point, my clients are only

willing to offer the replacement value of the house

as stipulated in the original policy, $275,000.

>>That's a pretty steep discount from $3 million two days ago.

>>Well.

Things have changed.

God saved me from drinking.

>>I see.

>>But Rabbi, how could I represent Him?

>>Ms. Levin, I've been in this business a long time.

And I've experienced my share of crises of faith.

And all I can tell you is God is a verb.

>>Hey.

You got a birthday coming up.

When you get out of here, I wanna take you to,

uh-- to Disneyland.

Not Disney World, but the original in California.

[sighing]

>>Why can't you pick on someone your own size, huh?

Take me.

Cause I deserve it.

>>You shouldn't say bad things to God.

>>Hey, honey.

I-- I-- I didn't know you were listening.

>>God is always listening.

[music playing]

>>How'd you do?

>>I got three Qurans, four Bibles, Talmud,

Zohar, illustrated I Ching.

And a new translation of the Upanishads

is coming by expedited shipping in the morning.

>>OK, you take these, I'll take the rest,

and we'll meet somewhere around Turkestan.

It's gonna be a long night.

>>No problem, hefe.

I'm used to working nights.

[music playing]

>>Smite the blasphemer!

Smite the blasphemer!

Smite the blasphemer!

Smite the blasphemer!

[chatter]

>>All rise for the Honorable Justice Jordan Randall.

>>Be seated.

>>Your Honor, both parties have reached an agreement,

and we would like to move for an immediate dismissal

at this time.

>>Is this true, Mr. Frank?

>>It was, Your Honor.

[gasping] [chatter]

At this time, I would like to enter into evidence this King

James Bible as exhibit A, wherein it states, Psalms

139, verse 7, and I quote, "Where can I

go from your spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there.

If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me."

Exhibit B, the Al Quran, in which the prophet Muhammad

tells us, "To God belong the east and the west,

with us wherever you turn, there is the presence of Hi.

God is with you wheresoever you go."

Exhibit C, the Old Testament, Jeremiah verse 23,

"'Do you think that I am some local deity?' the Lord asked.

'Do you really think anyone can hide himself where I cannot see

him?' the Lord asks.

'Do you not know that I am everywhere?'" Exhibits D to Z,

sacred texts from religions all around the world confirming

the same truth, that God is, in fact, omnipresent.

He is everywhere.

Therefore, not only was he present and doing business

in the state of Florida the night my house was destroyed,

but the Almighty is right here in this courtroom right now,

and He has been for this entire trial.

And unless the defense wants to challenge

the validity of these sacred texts,

then the Almighty is, in fact, present.

And the personal jurisdiction exclusion simply cannot apply

to this trial.

[gavel pounding]

>>Objection!

Your Honor, the plaintiff is once again

trying to use rhetorical gimmicks

to distort the facts of this case

and renege on the agreed settlement.

>>Gimmicks?

This is no gimmick.

This is the big truth, man.

If these are acts of God, then let God be held accountable!

Omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent--

he knows everything, he can do anything, he is everywhere,

and I reserve the right to call God to the stand.

Can I get a witness?

>>Yeah!

>>Halleleujah!

>>Halleleujah!

[chatter]

>>Ah, you should have seen me in there.

Man, I kicked some biblical ass.

You probably would have just laughed that funny little snort

of yours.

[phone buzzing]

[beep]

I'm sorry, Ms. Levin, but it's the Sabbath,

and, uh, I'm afraid I'm forbidden from doing

any work after sundown.

So any business is gonna have to wait until Monday.

>>(SLURRING) No, no, Mr. Frank, I'm

not gonna be there on Monday.

>>What are you talking about?

>>(SLURRING) I'm-- I'm not-- I'm off the case.

And I'm just calling to warn you, Mr. Frank,

in the interest of full bipartisan disclosure

that Carl is gonna bust your kneecaps, my friend.

>>So you're-- what?

You're just walking away?

>>Mhm. (SLURRING) I am.

I'm turning my back on God.

I am no longer God's lawyer.

>>Uh-huh.

Are you OK?

>>Yeah.

I'm good.

(SLURRING) I mean, I could use some pizza with ham on it,

maybe some-- you know, why don't you throw some shrimp on

there too, right?

Shabbat Shalom.

>>OK, here's what I need you to do.

You need to give me your address and step away from the phone.

>>(SLURRING) don't think that that's

a very good idea, Mr. Frank.

>>Ms. Levin, anyone willing to put

ham and shrimp on the same pizza is a ticking time bomb.

I know what I'm doing.

>>[chuckling] Hm.

[sighing]

[screaming]

[thud]

>>Morning.

Oh, man, Manischewitz.

>>Please.

Please.

>>Sorry.

>>Look, um, I appreciate your help, but, uh,

could you please just leave me alone?

>>I tell you what, why don't we have a quick bite,

and then you got the rest of the day to beat yourself up.

>>Why are you doing this?

>>Because you need protein.

>>If I eat this, do you swear to never mentioned

the events of the last 12 hours to another living soul?

>>So help me God.

>>You got skills.

>>Yeah, I like to cook.

Usually just for me and my dog, but Brutus,

he doesn't love garlic, which, um, makes it pretty limiting.

How do you feel about garlic?

>>Love it.

So nothing happened last night?

>>Well, if you call puking your guts up nothing.

Personally, I consider it a very intimate thing.

>>You consider that intimacy?

>>Well, yeah.

I mean, when you get to see someone at their worst,

you really get to see them.

And last night, I got to see a lot.

>>Yeah.

What did you see, a, uh, wretched, weak hypocrite?

>>I saw an amateur.

>>Who gets drunk off sweet wine?

>>That's all I had.

>>I will say you're a sweet drunk.

>>Are you flirting with me?

>>Hm.

I don't know.

>>Look, David, um, I don't know what you're still doing here,

but I think you should do us both a favor

and just run away as fast as you can.

>>You probably-- probably have a lot of work

to do, prepare for your closing argument.

>>Yeah.

And, uh, you probably have a lot of, uh, self-loathing to do.

>>Yeah.

Get right on that.

>>If you need any help, just give me a call.

I'm pretty good at loathing.

>>Mhm.

Thank you.

That's very generous.

>>Happy to help, loser.

>>[chuckling]

>>Just a taste.

>>You're good.

>>Hey.

There's actually a launch out at the Cape tomorrow morning.

Any chance you want to-- you know, check it out?

>>That sounds like a really, really terrible idea.

>>True, but it's really, really awesome.

[music playing]

>>I can't decide if you're brave or stupid.

>>Is it bravery when you've got nothing to lose?

>>There's always something to lose.

>>Just over there about six miles.

You can just make it out.

>>Yeah.

I see it.

>>After my wife died, I started coming out here.

I'd watch the sun go down, stay up

all night looking at the stars.

Then in the morning I'd watch the liftoff.

You know, the ancients used to look up into the night sky

and they'd see gods.

Even astronauts had religious experiences out in space.

Maybe heaven really is up there.

The world just became incredibly dull.

For years I managed to sustain myself on anger and self-pity

alone, but I just don't know what the point is.

>>Maybe there is no point.

>>How can you say that?

>>Because who knows?

Do you remember the Breslin case a few years ago?

>>The guy who killed those kids?

>>I knew.

I knew he was a killer, and I got him off.

But I knew.

>>You were just doing your job.

>>That's what I told myself.

And for a long time, it worked.

But... Just have to stay numb.

Not this time.

Just-- I couldn't live with it.

So I, uh, pumped myself full of what should have killed me.

[sighing] And when I didn't die, I knew He wanted me to live.

[sighing] And when I didn't die, I knew He wanted me to live.

There is some reason, but I've failed Him.

I've forsaken Him, lost.

>>You're not lost.

You're right here, right now.

And this is exactly where you're supposed to be.

>>Please don't.

>>Why not?

>>So many reasons.

>>Have a little faith.

[music playing]

[spaceship launching]

>>That was awesome.

[music playing]

>>I'd like to thank you for a really

beautiful and unconscionable conflict of interest.

>>I am not the enemy.

>>No, but you're still a dangerous heretic.

>>You know, I don't think heresy is contagious.

>>No, I'm sorry.

I refused to subscribe to your moral relativism.

>>Why don't you leave my relatives out of it

and invite me inside.

>>Good luck tomorrow.

I'm gonna go inside now, pray for your defeat.

>>Understood.

[music playing]

>>I don't have any answers.

Only questions.

Lots of questions.

So at this time, I would like to call God to the stand.

>>Objection.

Haven't we heard enough of this farce, Your Honor?

>>You are skating dangerously close to contempt, Mr. Frank.

>>Oh, I'm way past contempt, Your Honor.

But if God is everywhere and in all

things, then why not in that chair?

Imagine if I could put God in that chair

and I could ask Him anything and He

was sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing

but the truth, so help Him-- Him.

As God as my witness, I would ask Him all those questions

that we poor mortals have hungered for the answer to.

Why?

Why are we here?

Why is there so much strife and suffering in this world?

How come all the really good stuff is illegal, immoral,

and fattening?

Finally, I would-- I would ask the witness, did you, in fact,

destroy my house?

And I believe that if God were sitting here, He would say,

yes, I gave you that gift.

And I would be like, gift?

And He'd be like, yeah, you heard me.

Think about it.

If I hadn't destroyed your house, none of this

would have happened.

And you'd still be wallowing in bitterness, your heart turned

to stone, dead inside.

Because what is God if not love?

And even though I look around me,

and I still see a world full of senseless tragedy

and suffering, I recognize the possibility

that the destruction of my house may have

been a blessing in disguise.

Therefore, Your Honor, this time, I

withdraw my claim in this action.

And as for God, I have no further questions.

[chatter]

[music playing]

>>Heretic.

Time to meet your maker.

[gunshot]

[crowd screaming]

[music playing]

>>Where am I?

>>You're in the ambulance.

>>Is this heaven?

>>This is your heaven.

>>Why?

>>Why what?

>>Why-- why everything?

>>I don't understand the question.

Then again, maybe you don't understand the question.

>>Hey, that's my line.

>>Is it?

>>Are you sure you're ready for the answers?

[faint siren wailing]

[siren wailing]

[sobbing]

[siren wailing]

>>Well, did you see a tunnel of light or something?

>>Not exactly.

>>But something.

>>I don't know.

They say those things are just, uh-- just a lack of blood

to the cortex, right?

[music playing]

[cheering]

[music playing]

[music playing]

The Description of Frank vs God