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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: American Pie Presents: Band Camp

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( rock music playing )

( music intensity increases )

The new girl's just like you

Now that I do, I'd really like to get to know you... ♪

Hey, Stifler, how come Steve got all the talent in your family?

- Bite me, fuckface! - Come on, man, you're missing it.

Dude, I've seen it a million times, you fucking ass booger.

Matt, Steve is like a filmmaking genius.

- A true American hero. - The Tarantino of titties.

Yeah, there's no way you could ever be this good.

Hey, look, I'm gonna prove to Steve

that I'm up to the standards of the Stiffmeister Productions.

After Steve sees my directing talent,

little bro's joining the family business.

- Is that what he said? - He finally called you back?

No... but I left him another message.

He'll get back to me. It's only been three weeks.

Hey-- gentlefucks, a toast.

Tomorrow we begin our reign as seniors!

All: Whoo!

This bed is on fire with passionate love

The neighbors complain about the noises above

But she only comes when she's on top... ♪

( school band continues song )

( cymbals crash )

Okay, people, let's take a break.

Remember, we play this at the end of the ceremony, after "Pomp and Circumstance."

I don't want anyone starting the wrong song again!

- Elyse, you need À to relax, girl. - I'm fine.

I just-- you know, it's my first time up here, and--

Yeah, but it's graduation. It ain't the Boston Pops.

This performance sets the tone for our senior year!

Look, you just remember that everybody here

is pulling for you.

( rock music playing )

Dork dork dork.

Goose!

- I like them feisty. - What are you doing here, À Stifler?

Hey, we just wanted to say sayonara, and let you fucknecks know

we plan on winning the state title now that the Stiffmeister's running the show.

Adios, butthugger. ( laughs )

He's a bigger asshole than his brother.

Holy shit-- Arianna.

Matt, what are you doing here?

We just wanted to make sure the seniors have a very memorable last day.

That's cool. So, there's a campout tonight,

and it's only for the grads, but-- you could come.

Let me check my schedule...

hell yeah!

Bring a sleeping bag,

in case we decide to... pitch a tent.

Check it out, perfect timing.

ÀBoy: Oh, this is gonna be classic.

Time to initiate Operation Gradu-Fuck-U-ation.

- This is gonna be awesome! - Oh yeah, jackpot.

Payback, seniors. Hey, don't get that pepper spray on your hands.

A graduation gift from the Stiffmeister.

- Ooh, ohh! - ( laughs )

Dude, we should have sprayed the diplomas.

Sorry, bandies. ( laughs )

Bite my nuts and call me Skippy.

- It's a Steely Dan. - A what?

It's a double-headed dildo.

- It's a dildo, it's a dildo! - Holy shit.

It's even got a name: Picardo.

- PicardoSpray that shit. - Fuck no!

- Finders keepers. - ( laughing )

Elyse: Okay, everybody, "Pomp and Circumstance,"

- five-minute warning. Let's go! - Let's get out of here.

( groans )

- Matt? - Lysie.

How they hanging? Still small and perky, I see.

( chuckles ) Ohh, that's funny.

( chuckles sarcastically ) Yeah.

- What are you À doing here, Matt? - Uh...

I just came by to wish you good luck,

- you know, on the whole À music thing. - Good luck?

You haven't said a word to me since the eighth grade.

Yeah, and that tone of voice is exactly the reason why.

So I'm gonna take off now.

( applause )

Ladies and gentlemen, please rise to honor our graduates.

The douchebag's gonna miss it.

( playing "Pomp and Circumstance" )

( misses note )

Oh, yes!

Are they crying?

Holy shit!

( groans )

Yes!

( laughing )

( coughs )

- Eat shit, seniors. - Oh my God.

( crowd gasps )

( moans ) Yeah, oooh!

( applause, hooting )

- ( groans ) - Stifler!

( sirens blaring )

I've been waiting for this moment for a very long time.

And now the day of reckoning has come.

Hello, Matthew.

Your brother must be very proud.

You've continued his legacy--

tormenting the innocent...

defiling all that is good and pure.

But now you're going down.

Oooh, what are you gonna do, expel me, "Shermanator"?

I am a sophisticated counseling machine,

sent back in time to guide young and innocent minds.

My primary directive

is to protect the students of this institution,

and all-- indeed, all mankind

from the menace that is another Stifler.

Behavior modification is required.

It's not too late to change your future.

( scoffs )

- ( siren blurts ) - No.

Expulsion would be too easy.

Hmm...

I know the perfect punishment to fit your crime.

Since you have so much trouble with the band...

perhaps you should make friends with them.

Pffft! No fucking way!

Either you learn to be more considerate,

or you will be expelled. No football.

No parties.

No spring break. ( echoing )

No graduation.

No college. No co-eds.

Comprende?

Pack your bags, Stifler.

- You're going to band camp. - Band camp?!

It's a new day, but it all feels old

It's a good life, that's what I'm told

- ♪ But everything, it all just feels the same... ♪ - BullshitTrash.

- ♪ At my high school, it felt more to me... ♪ - All right, Steve!

Valley girls gone wild.

- Fuck. - ♪ My time spent there, it only made me see

That I don't ever wanna be like you

I don't wanna do the things you do

I'm never gonna hear the words you say

And I don't ever wanna, I don't ever wanna be

You... don't wanna be just like you... ♪

ÀMatt: I told you Steve would get back to me.

I mean, it was just a postcard, but it gave me a great idea.

Look, Steve's shithead friend Jim,

he married this freaking nympho band-geek Michelle.

And he said all they do at band camp is screw 24/7.

Man, buddy! You cannot screw band chicks.

There are standards.

I'm not talking about screwing 'em, scrotum breath.

I'm talking about videotaping them.

People love to see dorks doing that freaky shit on hidden video.

"Bandeez Gone Wild."

Steve's gonna have some competition now

'cause little bro's joining the family business.

You... don't wanna be just like you... ♪

- Yeah, Spy Chest! - ♪ You... ♪

- Secret video. - ♪ Don't wanna be just like you... ♪

- Hell yeah. - ( beeps )

Colored night vision? I'll take it, shit.

- ♪ You... don't wanna be just like you... ♪ - Uh-huh.

- Cool. - ♪ What I'm sayin' is this is the anthem

- ♪ Throw all your hands up... ♪ - How about tomorrow?

- Jeez, this is gonna be great. - ♪ Sing if you're with me, you! ♪

Don't wanna be just like you, just like you

This is the anthem, throw all your hands up

Y'all got to feel me, sing if you're with me

Another loser anthem. ♪

( crowd cheering )

- Welcome to Tall Oaks 2005. - ( cheering )

Let's hear it from Lloyd Memorial High!

L-l-o-y-d!

L-l-o-y-d!

- Mount St. Marie! - ( chanting ) Mount St. Marie! À Mount St. Marie!

- East Great Falls High! - East Great Falls! À Hoo-ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo-ha!

And five-time defending Tall Oaks Cup Champion,

- Beechwood Academy! - We're number one! À We're number one!

- We're number one! - ( jeering )

As you know, each year, one senior Tall Oaks composer

is awarded a full scholarship

to the prestigious Robards Conservatory.

Elyse, this is your year to win!

Director: This year, Dr. Susan Choi, President of Robards

will judge the compositions herself.

And let's not forget to welcome

- the Tall Oaks camp counselors! - ( cheering )

If you visit our infirmary, Nurse Sanders will take care of your every need.

( crowd boos )

Okay, so let's work hard,

- and may the best band win! - ( cheering )

You guys ready?

( chatting )

It's gonna be a good competition this year.

Yeah, very superior.

What the fuck?

Are you a rookie? You look lost.

Are you an asshole? You're hairy and you smell like shit.

I'll... I'll ignore that kind of talk.

Once. We don't speak that way here.

Rookies are to wear their beanies at all times.

- Those are the rules. - And who made you the Mayor À of Geektown?

I'm Brandon Vandecamp, senior drum major of Beechwood Academy,

and the President of the Tall Oaks council.

Oh? And who are they, Mr. President?

The First LadÀA and Vice-Pussy?

- Suits you well. - Golly jeepers, thanks.

Hey, you know, since I'm an official band geek and all,

can you guess what my favorite piece of music is?

- I have no idea. - "The Nutcracker."

- Come on with it! À Step back, bitch. - Holy mother of Mozart.

- HyahSuck on some. - This is bad.

You didn't know Jackie Chan was in the house, did you?

- Stop that. À Stop that now! - Hah!

- Those knob-slobbers À started it! - That's not true, sir.

We simply reminded him to wear his beanie and then he viciously assaulted Brandon's genitals.

That's a lie, you dick snot!

Oscar, Jimmy, escort this man to see...

- the Macro. - ( gasps )

- The what? - You're dead.

Now, gentlemen!

My God, Brandon, are you okay?

You want to tell me what the hell you're doing here, Stifler?

It don't matter, Big O. He ain't gonna be here long.

- Bitch! - Oscar: Get over here.

Macro gonna fuck your ass up, fool.

- What the fuck's a macro? - The Macro.

Moral And Conflict Resolution Officer.

I heard this one time, this kid when into that office

a baritone and came out a soprano.

Clarinet up the ass backwards, yo.

- What? - ( muffled screaming )

( knocks )

( snorts ) Pussies!

( groaning ) No! Don't!

( organ music playing )

( slams door )

Oh, I'm sorry.

"Frankenstein," scary stuff.

( chuckles )

I am just a Boris Karloff nut.

I'm the Macro, Mr. Levenstein.

Holy shit, you're Jim's dad!

He screwed that red-headed nympho chick at my lake house.

- ( chuckles ) - Oh myYou're not a Stifler?

Yeah, I'm Steve's brother Matt.

There are two Stiflers?

Yes, sir! Hey, what are you doing here?

Oh, well well, Jim is now out of the house,

married to Michelle, that red-headed nympho chick that you spoke of.

And being a former Tall Oaks Counselor of the Year,

she was hired to be the Macro this summer,

but she got pregnant.

Uh, no doubt due to the tendencies you alluded to earlier.

And I have a great rapport with young people,

so I just stepped in and volunteered.

That cretin is not in our band and we are not responsible for his actions!

- Who pissed in your piccolo? - I'm sensing some hostility.

- He poisoned my band! - I am the Macro and it's À my job to deal with--

What is he doing here?! Matt Stifler is pure evil just like his brother!

- --conflict. - Thanks, Lysie.

( growls )

- She seems nice. - ( door slams )

There are rules, of course. You will have to wear a beanie.

- Yeah, ri-- - Oh, I know. À It's a little silly,

but it's tradition here. Something you're familiar with,

being on the football team, I'm sure,

with your elephant walks and circle jerks and drinking butt-beer.

But here you just have to wear a silly little hat

- and a somewhat stylish À Tall Oaks t-shirt. - Yeah!

So just go with the flow, Matt,

- and you will À have loads of fun. - ( muffled music playing )

And you'll be making new friends in no time.

Oh, hey! Ernie Kaplowitz, tenor sax.

Cool! I'm a rookie here too.

I really wanted to come last year, but computer camp conflicted and--

Oh yeah, that was here when I arrived.

I think it has your name on it.

What is it?

Hi, welcome to Casa de Stifler.

I'll be your host Matt. Every day here I'll make it my sincere goal

not to have to kick your ass. Allow me to show you to your new accommodations.

- ( grunts ) - When I'm out here, À you're in there.

( stammers )

Have a great day, fucko.

- I don't want to live-- - Oh.

Okay, I'll just go ahead and put this stuff away for you.

All right! Oh, Bandie-vision.

This is the 1978 Ohio State show, "The Wizard of Oz."

The one where the sousaphone player forgot to dot the "i"?

Oh, hey.

( scoffs ) Yeah, right!

Please!

Never fear, the Stiffmeister's here.

And band camp just got a whole lot better, ladies.

You're Steve Stifler's younger brother, aren't you?

- Young and hung. - Great.

- Could you send him À a message for me? - No problem, senorita.

( laughs )

( friend giggles )

Well, it looks like Steve gave someone the old Stifler Bang 'n' Boot.

Hmm? ( chuckles )

- Is there a problem here? - No, everything's fine.

- Have fun at band camp. - Thank you, I will.

- Later. - Word.

You need to start showing some respect around here, Stifler.

You need to show yourself back to your table, big dawg.

Outta my way, yo!

Pffft.

Hola, chicas.

Elyse, so good to see you again.

So what's going on tonight? Are we gonna party, get a little crazy?

Who wants to rack up a few frequent fucker miles?

- You are the most obnoxious-- - The most sexy man ever to come À to band camp.

What?! Chloe, he is so obnoxious--

- He's sexy obnoxious. - Thank you.

I'm tired of messing around with these dorky-ass nice guys

and "sensitive" artist types.

Let's party with a real hombre tonight.

Hell yeah, that's me!

- 100% hombre. - All right, my room, 8:00.

Levenstein on PA: Great first day, campers.

This is your... Macro speaking

and, hey, morale couldn't have been higher today.

So hop in the sack and get a good night's sleep

because starting tomorrow we have many many exciting activities planned,

not the least of which is the race for the Tall Oaks Cup.

So let the games begin!

"Bandeez Gone Wild," scene one:

party hombre.

( "Get This Party Started" playing )

It's called Strip Trivia. We made it up.

It's a band camp tradition.

"Fourth and Long, Sextuplets, Bangin' Babes," and "Who Blew Me?"

This looks like my kind of game!

Shall we play?

You, sit in the middle. Your game, my seating chart.

Sit a little closer, ladies. Don't be scared, it's all right.

Okay, the rules are simple.

You choose a category and a question,

and every time you miss, you strip.

Hell yeah! I'll go first.

Who blew me? ( snickering )

Elyse: Okay.

I can go for miles... ♪

I am a silver Stradivarius trumpet

played by a Pulitzer-Prize winner.

- Who blew me? - Yeah, like I'd know.

Sorry. Lose the shoes and pick again.

You didn't tell me this shit was about music!

ÀWell, it is band camp, moron.

Hey, to be fair maybe we should just give him a head start.

Cruising through the Westside, we'll be checking the scene... ♪

Well, all right. Yeah.

Uh uh, okay. All right, all right!

You'll be kissing my ass... ♪

What's wrong with you, scared to show off the mosquito bites?

I've matured since the fourth grade, Matt, have you?

Oh, I got 10 lbs. of dangling maturity right here, Lysie!

- Quit calling me that! - Okay okay, moving on.

Matt, just pick another question, please.

All right, screw it. Whatever.

Here you go.

- Suck on that. - Oh-ho!

- Fourth and Long. - Sure, no problem.

Get this party started... ♪

Of Beethoven's major symphonies, which has the longest fourth movement?

All right, I see where this is going.

Fine, you win.

( growls )

Making my connection as I enter the room... ♪

- I freeball, ladies. - ( gasps )

Gotta let the big boys breathe. We play by my rules now.

- ( groaning ) - Football questions only. À Prepare to strip, ladies.

Wait, but first does anybody want a beer?

I do.

The counselors have a secret stash in the--

fridge across the hall. Would you mind?

Now we're talking about a fucking party!

- Stiffy'll be back in a jiffy. - Ah ah ah!

I mean there's nobody around

- and we haven't seen À your best side yet. - ( laughs )

I'm coming

I'm coming up so you better get this party started... ♪

( whispers ) Yes, we got him!

You better, I'm coming up

He's so busted!

So you better get this party started... ♪

Whoo.

Man, big boys wake up.

Just gotta turn down the AC in there, huh?

Good night, girls.

So you better get this party started

You better... ♪

Sorry, asshole, game's over!

Yeah, the "big boys" will love the long walk home!

- ( knocks ) - Room check, girls.

Get this party started... ♪

- Oh shit. - Ditch his clothes.

Out the window!

All right, who wants a longneck?

Hey, uh... oh, um...

Nurse Sander--

Get this party started. ♪

- They set me up! - He attacked up À with pepper spray.

- Ruined our graduation. - I went over for À a friendly game.

Hold it, hold it, kids!

Okay, where are your clothes?

- I have them. - May I ask why?

- They got me naked À and stole my clothes. - Oh, whatever!

He took his own pants down. Now he know what it's like to be humiliated.

- ( both shouting ) - ( air horn blowing )

Lemme see if I have this straight.

Elyse, you think Matt is an arrogant jock who wears his penis

on his forehead just to gain the approval of his sociopathic brother.

And Matt, you think Elyse is an uptight geeky prude

who needs to loosen up and get laid.

- ( gasps ) - Excuse the expression, dear. À Is that on the money?

Look, kids, the only way to solve your differences

is by working together.

So why don't you start tomorrow by putting one foot

in front of the other.

Elyse: Left flank, hut!

Turn and hut!

Ha!

- ( groaning ) - What the fuck?

( blows whistle )

Band, ten hut!

When I yell "band, ten hut," you snap-- firmly at attention.

Oh, you want to see me firmly at attention?

- I already have. À I wasn't impressed. - Oh-- ooooh.

- ( laughs ) - Look!

We've never beaten Beechwood, okay?

For some of us, it's our last shot.

- Just stop screwing up, okay? - Girl: Yeah, asshole.

- Okay, people, back to work. À Let's go! - Whatever.

- I don't need this shit. - Reset the block.

Front ranks right here.

( distant marching band playing )

( falsetto ) Housekeeping.

( electronics whirr )

- Hi guys. - Oscar, you brought me À something to drink.

- Come on now. - Aw, good looking out, baby.

- Guy: Aww. - Thank you.

Hey, it's Ernie Crapowitz. So you finally came out of the closet, good for you.

( fake laugh )

Look, I want to know what goes on at night, all right?

All the crazy shit, naked pillow fights, whatever.

Do I look like the guy that's in charge of the naked pillow fights, huh?

It's my first time here. Notice the beanie?

Yes, yes I do.

You know, speaking of beanies, where's yours, Stifler?

You're still not following the rules, huh?

- He's getting in trouble again. - No standard issue Tall Oaks t-shirt,

and no beanie, I believe that's two points from Great Falls, Mr. Nelson.

I tell you what, "Vandercramp,"

what if I took his beanie and put it on my wienie?

How do you like that, Vandercramp? It's on my head, right?

- Huh? - Make it five points À from Great Falls.

- Five points?! - Man, this place À sucks donkey ass!

( sniffs, groans )

Put your beanie on, son.

Five points? ( breathes heavily )

( bird hooting )

- What the-- - Stay still.

- Stop moving! - He ain't going À nowhere now, yo.

This isn't your world. This is our world and we don't want you in it.

You already cost us five points in the standings, we can't have that.

Set the man up with his beanie.

( muffled objections )

- Now you're representing, fool. - And this toothpaste,

this will make up for the pepper spray, asshole.

( splurts )

Aw, shit!

I'll get the paint thinner from maintenance.

Animals.

Matt, uh...

you were sent here to make a change.

And so far you've only had your sinuses sanitized.

So I think it's time to try a new approach.

Make some friends.

Earn their trust.

Why would I want to earn their trust?!

( exhaling )

- ( snorting ) - Good.

Welcome to Stifler-vision.

Girl: Um, I think he's at the cymbal class at 1:00.

- Girl #2: Oh, I hate that. - Yeah, but it's better than the baseball relay.

- ( robotics whirring ) - That's true...

- Yours look totally fantastic. - Two for the price of one.

- My left one's bigger, see? - Yeah, mine too, baby!

- Oh, they can À totally fix that. - No!

- Wanna see? - Lens fog?

- No! - ( whirring )

Come here!

- What is that thing, À butt weasel? - ( laughs )

It's the KR3, baby, the Kaplowitz Remote Robotic Rover.

And you are so busted! Hey, Oscar, somebody call the Macro!

- Help! - Dude, shut upPull your À panties out of your ass!

Uh-- uh-- I can help you with that chick.

- What chick? - Dude, the one À with all the tattoos--

- "The Tubinator." - Her name is Chloe!

Oh, come on, man. I can help!

I'm the Stiffmeister, master of love and romance.

Bullshit!

I nailed three cheerleaders in one week on spring break--

college cheerleaders!

( faintly ) Three?

( KR3 beeping )

And I know why your cameras fritzed out.

Dude, this thing is awesome!

You ever use this to look up chicks' skirts?

( chuckles ) No! But I did use it to win the state science fair last year.

And I'm hoping it gets me into MIT next fall.

I really want to work for NASA.

National Anal Sex Association?

No, it's space-- wait a minute there's an anal sex association?

Oh yeah, but you gotta be a pro.

( laughs )

There's a space association?

You were supposed to use this.

See, it's got an antifog lens, duh.

Yeah, good.

Ooh, can the robot record?

All right, so what are your intentions?

With the video, I mean, what are you doing?

Oh, it's just for fun.

I mean who doesn't like to look at hot naked chicks, right?

Keep it between us and I'll let you watch, hmm?

- ( snickers ) - Plus I'll have you

giving Chloe the pelvic noogie inside a week.

- ( knocks ) - Guy: Hey, Stifler?

- Phone. - Andy: We're in Detroit!

Locked into sweet Brazilian rum,

I'm fucking fubar, man.

I sent you rum today. It could come in handy in Dorksville.

Man, this place blows!

Hey, my roommate Dr. Robot

busted me taping some college chicks in the shower.

So now I have to be all nice to him and shit.

And I'm not getting any good footage because these fucking bandies hate me.

Uh, think of it like trying to hook up with a virgin.

Act like you give a shit about them till they bring you into the good stuff.

Earn their trust?

Dude, that could work.

( laughs ) I'll be an undercover bandie fucker.

Hello, everyone. Isn't it a peachy day here at band camp?

Band buds, how's it going? Yo!

Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for the little wake-up call.

You kidders.

Hey, I can finally hear the music calling me, okay?

- ( distant band playing ) - There, hear it?

Yeah, me too. Look, so I'm a totally new man,

and, uh, oh by the way, you both look great in pantyhose.

Huh? ( laughs )

- ( sighs ) What are you doing? - Awaiting my marching lesson, À ma'am.

Look, Matt, I really don't have time for this right now.

No, look, I figure I'm here, I might as well make the best of it.

Matt, marching's hard, okay? It's not like throwing some football.

You ever thrown into double coverage?

You ever high-stepped at double time?

Yes, ma'am. The time the cops chased us across Koreno's Creek.

And you got so scared you cried.

I had allergies.

It was winter, Matty.

Well, if you don't teach me to march, I might just cry again.

( band playing )

Fine.

Left foot on one and three, right foot on two and four.

You have to do math?

One, two, three, middle! One, two, three, line!

Right foot on four.

One, two, three, four. Keep your step size even.

My what?

All right, there we go, little buddy.

I'm gonna fix you up good.

Hah. Any girl that knows how to play a tuba, she can...

do things. That's what-- that's what Stifler says.

I don't know what it means but I-- it's gotta be good.

You're good to go. Let's go find Chloe.

( rock music playing )

Add it up, all the times you've had enough

- ♪ Waterworks... ♪ - ( gasps )

- Holy shit. - ♪ And endless, sleepless nights... ♪

What the hell? Who's doing this?

Hold it back, when the time comes... ♪

- Take it. It's okay. - ♪ To attack, you'll be ready

They'll say "You were right" ♪

- ♪ And they'll be coming back to see... ♪ - Thanks, little creepy machine.

- You're welcome, À beautiful lady. - ♪ Everything that I've seen

Get it, got it? Go! ♪

♪ 'Cause you're gonna show that you're gonna go

All the way, all the way

You've gotta take it if you wanna make it... ♪

With my right, with my right.

But I can also do it with my left, with my left.

- Booty! - ( applause, cheers )

Good game, whoo! Good game, good game, good game.

Good game, whoo!

You just touched my booty.

( sniffs )

- What's that? - Your instrument.

That's fucking gay.

- I mean lame. - Good.

Now, there are two positions.

Carrying position, like this.

And playing position, like this.

Now, when I call horns up! You're going to move your instrument out,

- And then-- - Hello, losers.

Matt, oh my God. Matt, I am so sorry!

- I think I bit À a hole in my tongue. - Oh, let me see.

- No, no hole. - On today's episode...

- wasting time on lost causes. - ( mumbling )

Speaking of which, I understand you composed the music to your show, Elyse--

- if you call that music. - Yeah, that's right, I did.

And who'd your daddy hire to compose yours?

I'm just giving you fair warning, cupcake,

Robards scholarship is mine.

Like you need it.

It-- it's not a matter of need, it's a matter of want.

- Yeah, I get what I want. - Why don't you thut À the thuck up?

- Matt, don't. - Oooh-hoo-hoo.

- What are you gonna do? - Kick your aths.

Are you challenging me?

- No, Brandon, that's not-- - Yeah, what if I am?

- No, Brandon, that is À not what he's doing! - I accept.

Ampitheater, 5:00.

It's been three years since I've been challenged--

- Oh, we got a challenge! - ( cheering )

I look forward to reminding people why.

East Great Falls, hoo-ha.

- I'll thee you there, athshole. - East Great Falls, hoo-ha.

- Do you know what you just did? - It doesn't matter, fucker's À going down!

Matt, you challenged him to a duel.

- With thwords? - No, you idiot!

You each get onstage and perform. The crowd decides who wins.

Can't we just do keg stands?

Matt, this is serious, okay?

Beechwood gets five points if he wins.

Which, you know, he will because he plays an instrument!

Well, tho do I.

- ( cheering ) - Let the Tall Oaks Battle Royal begin!

The prize is five points towards the Cup.

Okay, Brandon, you're up first.

( drum solo playing )

( scattered applause )

- ( cheering ) - That's right!

( cheering )

- ( crowd jeers ) - Oh!

- Hoo-ooo-hoo. - Bravo.

Loser.

( moaning )

- Boy: Neanderthal! - Huh?

Girl: Oh, come on!

- Boy #2: Doofus! - Suck on that--

bitch. Ugh-ugh-ugh. ( laughs )

- Girl: Lame! - This is so embarrassing.

- Nelson: Okay, Brandon. - Girl: You show them, Brandon!

- One more time! - Come on, Brandon!

( yawns )

( cheering )

Take that!

( cheering )

( chuckles )

Nelson: Well, well...

- it seems this contest is over. - ( louder cheering )

It figures-- we just lost five points.

- The winner by forfeit is-- - ( bagpipes playing )

We're gonna lose--

( playing "Play that Funky Music, White Boy" )

- ( laughing ) - ( crowd cheering )

Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you die

Play that funky music, white boy

- ♪ Play that À funky music, right... ♪ - You don't know the words.

Play that funky music, white boy

Lay down that boogie and play that funky music till you die. ♪

( cheering )

( groaning )

He should shave that.

East Great Falls, hoo-ha!

East Great Falls, hoo-ha!

East Great Falls, hoo-ha!

- East Great Falls, hoo-ha! - ( cheering )

- Okay, five points À to Great Falls. - ( shrieks )

- ( cheering ) - All right, Great Falls!

All right, East Great Falls!

Give it to me, baby.

East Great Falls, hoo-ha! East Great Falls, hoo-ha!

East Great Falls, hoo-ha!

Hey hey hey hey--

- hey hey hey hey-- - What?!

- Are you really Scottish? - Fuck no!

- ( Oscar laughs ) - My mom made me learn À an instrument.

That's the most annoying one I could think of.

I think you were just born to squeeze sacks and blow pipes, Stifler.

- ( laughing ) - Girl: Hey, Oscar?

- Go, go over there, Oscar. - Go.

- Go. - Go.

- What's up? - Your drumline À sounds pretty tight.

- Oh, thanks. - Let me know if you want À to learn some new moves.

Really?

- He's gonna screw it up. - Hey!

Thanks for winning those points back.

I lost them, I had to get them back.

Oscar: Hey guys!

- Sheree's gonna À show me some moves! - ( cheering )

Hey gang, just a little reminder

that as the battle for the Cup heats up,

let's try to remember to keep up that Tall Oaks' spirit of fair play

and friendly competition.

We'll have enough spit for a six-pack.

- Yeah, baby, À you did me proud, son. - Thanks, J-Lo.

That's cool. Big O?

Quite a little show you put on yesterday, Stifler.

You know these plebes think you're some kind of hero.

I don't know what a plebe is, Vandercreep,

but didn't anybody tell you not to mess with the big dawg while he's eating?

Hmm? Huh-uh?

- Mmm. - Guy: Now will you À give it back?!

- Dildoes. - This is still À my camp, asshole.

- You're going down. - No, I'm not.

But your mom did last night. Did she play the trumpet because she has really strong lips?

- ( laughs ) - Jimmy: That's right!

Mmm.

Mm-mm-mm!

Yummy.

That's what I'm talking about! Whoo!

- What happened À this time, Claire? - I was working in my solo,

and I hurt myself.

I've been fucking poisoned.

Ipecac is a natural herbal extract

that triggers the regurgitation reflex.

Whatever's in there should be out soon enough.

Like him, if we're lucky.

Well, I'm pretty sure it's just something you--

had for lunch. You know I've got the same problem.

Very sensitive stomach. I was at a banquet once.

On the same plate if you can believe it, they had

creamed venison, squid fritters and jellied pork.

( retching )

What?

( retching continues )

( laughs ) Hey, what's up, crust bucket?

Come here, dude. Check this out.

So this afternoon while the counselors were practicing for the talent show,

I faked an asthma attack and I changed both of the cameras.

It's their talent show routine, au natural.

Oh, you filthy little cyber fucker.

- Shit. - Hey hey, I thought we À were just gonna watch.

Exactly! We may want to watch it again.

So fellas, fellas, has your girlfriend got the butt? ♪

Tell 'em to shake it, shake it... ♪

Hey, so I took your advice about Chloe.

I used the Rover to deliver her a soda.

That was your cool crazy idea?

Yeah, I think she actually liked it.

Yeah, that sounds gay.

- It's not gay! - Whoa.

Anyway, there's this bonfire Slushee party tonight,

and I really need to know step two in the Stiffmeister plan.

Slushee party...

really?

Special delivery! Prepare to jam with the bearded clam.

Get ready to cuddle the love puddle.

The time has come for Dr. Robot to get laid!

Get laid?

I told you, trust the Stiffmeister.

"Meister" means master in German.

Get her drunk? That's the secret of the ages?

- That's step number two? - No, actually it's step four.

But you don't have the balls for two or the tongue for three.

I've got the balls.

Hey, you haven't heard step five yet.

( "Born to be Wild" playing )

Born to be wild

Whoo! ♪

( "Hot Blooded" playing )

( off-key ) ♪ Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see

I've got a fever of 103

Come on, baby, do you do more than dance? ♪

- ( laughing ) - ♪ Hot blooded... ♪

- This is some good shit. - Don't enjoy it too much.

We have a big practice tomorrow, you guys.

- Relax, Lysie, suckle the À tender fruits of band camp-- - Sheree: Hey, Oscar?

--with your friends.

ÀChloe: Come on, Elyse, cut loose a little bit.

- Have some fun. - I am having fun.

Hey, horndog, let's go get some more of these before they run out.

- A'ight. - Horndog?

Yeah, it's his nickname. Dude'll stick his dick into anything-- it's unnatural.

Check it, dawg.

- This one time at band camp, À I fucked an oboe. - ( chokes )

- Really? - Blow in it for a while,

get that wood nice and warm, slap on some valve oil

- and go to town, yo! - Maybe you should try a flute.

( laughs )

- Sheree: Hey. - Hey.

- Now's a good time À to teach you those moves. - Really?

- Huh. - ( sighs )

What?

( both chuckle )

( slurps )

- I know what you're doing. - You do?

It's what you always do. You're a fake.

You do whatever it takes to be the center of attention.

Just like when we were kids? Around me you were regular old Matt,

But around Steve and his friends, you were the Stiffmeister.

Who are you gonna be tonight?

( mimics Matt ) Hey, cheesedick!

Why don't you quit being such a fucking taint licker and get me another Slushee?

( laughs ) Fucking puss monkey.

( cackles )

You know what? I am gonna have some fun.

Fucking hos, man. I don't get that shit.

I mean right now, Oscar's off in the woods tapping that counselor biatch Sheree.

- What's up with that? - That cockspring's À getting laid?!

True, dat. And here we are, the two dopest homeboys in camp,

and we ain't got no prospects for our Palm Pilots.

Das fucked up, dawg.

Dude, I gotta see this.

( Oscar giggles )

- Sheree: Use your hips more. - Like that?

Yeah, now faster, yeah! Whoo! Like that. In a circle.

( Australian accent ) Crikey, the alpha female has chosen an unlikely mate.

Will he survive this dangerous encounter?

Or will she satisfy her primal needs and then devour him for dinner?

Stay tuned.

Oscar: I'm sorry, I'm really no good at this... stuff.

Relax. You're doing fine.

Oh, this sucks.

How's that feel? Oscar!

Is that your drumstick poking me?

( chuckles ) I don't have my drumsticks.

Are you standing up for me again, Oscar?

It's getting hot.

Smack my ass and call me cowboy!

Hello, double-D Sheree.

Hips hips, use your hips.

- Oh yeah, hips. - And step, and--

( Matt laughs ) Who knew?

Wow!

( rapping ) ♪ YoWe at Tall Oaks sippin' on juice

Got horns, trumpets, rhythm and flutes

Great Falls laying it down

Gonna ride fuckin' Beechwood out of the town

JC, what? Rockin' the bunch

All tripped out on the fuckin' fruit punch! ♪

- ♪ Ow! ♪ - ( cheering )

- I just wanna be respectful. - Oh, that's sweet.

You're the only person gonna get laid around here.

( oboe playing )

Hello, oboe.

This is so cool.

I hope I didn't scare you with the--

- the Rover and the soda. - No, man, it was cute.

Nobody's ever been--

that sweet to me in my whole life.

Plus, to be honest,

metal really turns me on.

Oh-hh...

( gasping )

( Stifler moaning )

Man, this shit's stuck.

( grunting )

( weak oboe notes )

( sputtering, squeaking )

Argh, turn off the lights!

Damn, gangsta! I was just fucking with you, dawg!

- It's stuck! - ShitYou want help?

No, don't touch me! ( grunting )

- Come on! - Jimmy: Maybe you should blow on it?

Matt: Maybe you should blow on it and I'll pull.

Hell no, Jimmy ain't putting his lips on that thing!

Maybe Jimmy should be a team player.

- Try and relax, dawg. - Not so hard, man!

Oh my God!

Jimmy: I was just trying to help him get it off, yo.

- Dude, shut up! - Whatever.

He had an allergic reaction to the valve oil.

The swelling should go down in a few minutes.

These kinds of things would never have happened with our old Macro.

We didn't have MTV when I was growing up.

So maybe it's the overstimulated times that we

live in that causes young men to stick their--

instruments in such odd places.

I knew a certain young man once who actually engaged

in sexual congress with an apple pie,

and he turned out just fine.

So, uh, you're perfectly normal...

as these things go.

( groans )

Hey!

- Are you okay? - Oh yeah.

I'm so drunk right now,

I'm probably gonna forget about you...

porking an oboe. ( laughs )

( shrieks )

( rock music playing )

I have six piercings.

That doesn't include the ones on my face.

( whimpers )

Two right here.

And four... down here.

Tonight I want you in my arms

- ♪ It's not the end, no... ♪ - ( Elyse singing )

Tonight, I'll place you safe... ♪

I haven't seen that in a while.

Yeah well, no time for dance.

It's all about band band band.

- I was talking about À you having fun. - I have fun.

- I have fun all the time. - Yeah.

I just get stressed out, you know? I mean--

- ( laughs ) - Careful.

--we graduate next year and I don't know-- I don't talk about it all that much

because the Cup is like a team thing--

but winning the Robards scholarship,

I mean, that is like my future, you know?

And Dr. Choi is coming.

I mean, you don't understand.

She's like famous, like holy shit famous.

And sometimes I just...

I get really stressed out and I calm myself down

by going off and playing on my Picardo.

W--w-- wait.

- You have a Picardo? - Just a cheapie, À but I lost it.

( laughs ) If I somehow found this Picar--

- You found it? - Maybe.

- Give it back! - If you let me watch.

Okay, but... it takes me a while to warm up.

I have all the time in the world.

( laughs )

Figures.

But I'm gonna-- be really drunk.

I mean really dr-- really drunk!

- ( laughing ) - Yes!

- Girl: Beat it, jerkoff! - ( coughs )

Elyse: Okay, people, let's take a break.

Ow!

We're all a little sluggish today.

- Man, we suck! - One night of fun

was not worth losing a whole day of practice.

- Gimme this thing. - ( Elyse groans )

All right, listen up, you lazy bunch of lipshits.

Those Beechwood plebes aren't taking breaks.

If we want to win this thing, we've got to bust our asses.

Come on, bitches. Back to work!

- Matt, that's my job. - Grab your cocks and move your socks.

We're all at war here, people, war!

Show some tits, grow some balls.

Keep that thing warm for me.

Now, what? You wanna let Beechwood titty-fuck us?

- I didn't think so! - Levenstein: All right, Tall Oakers,

we're in our final week. Time to put on our game faces.

And time to strap yourselves in for a bumpy ride.

I want the oboe, clarinet, black thingies

and we've got the rhythm section in a full-on blitz.

- Are you with me, bandies? - ( cheering )

Nelson: The competition for the Tall Oaks Cup is really heating up.

♪ ...You're away... ♪

Beechwood wins!

- Elyse: You're À a terrible driver. - Whatever!

I told you you should let me steer.

Take that bass home, man! Drive it in!

Hey you, fuck face, I don't even know where to start with you!

Hey, you know they're all the same

You know you're doing better on your own... ♪

Nelson: Beechwood leads, Great Falls and Lloyd are tied for second.

- Beechwood licks nutsHut! - ♪ Live right now

Just be yourself

It doesn't matter if it's good enough

- ♪ For someone else... ♪ - Nelson: Victory, East Great Falls.

It just takes some time, little girl

- ♪ You're in the middle of the ride... ♪ - Right foot on line.

Everything will be just fine... ♪

Jimmy, you fucking lotion lover.

Will be all right, all right

It just takes some time

Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride... ♪

Nelson: East Great Falls by four points.

Everything, everything will be all right, all right. ♪

Ernie: Hey, butt pirates ahoy.

You're little band may be leading in the competition, Stifler...

but make sure to let us know if you get thirsty.

Yeah, because there's plenty of this... ( hawking )

- ( Brandon chuckles ) - ( Matt chuckles À sarcastically )

That's funny for you dorks. Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Man, screw that challenge, I'm just gonna kick his ass!

No no, wait. I've got a better idea--

if you think you're man enough.

( weak whistling ) Yes!

Hey, you sure you can do this?

Hey, born to be a porn star, baby.

Delivery on demand!

- ( laughs ) - When I get back, I'll be À a million Stiflers lighter.

( cackling )

- Oh... - ( flies buzzing )

- Brandon, I'm like À a really good drummer so-- - Excuse me.

Listen, this is your chance to help...

Hey, guys, don't forget your sunscreen.

Your bodies are your instruments.

- Yeah, you don't want to be À chapped for your solos. - No, we don't.

Bye now.

What is that, 30? It's really thick.

How's that taste, Vandecock?

Mmm, good, huh? Warm and salty?

Yeah, it's a come-pletely new formula.

100% Stiffy juice, Spf 69.

- ( water splashes ) - Suck on that!

- Yeah! - Get off me.

- Stop, man. - Yeah!

- Ernie. - Yeah!

What you had before was way better than this.

This sounds like your overactive Honor Society brain.

Instead of your nasty,

wet, dirty-girl panties.

- ( giggles ) - It should be more spontaneous.

( playing "Play that Funky Music, White Boy" )

- Stop! - Hey, maybe you should hang out

- with your friend Matt À a little bit more. - Yeah, right.

I know he's a dick and everything, but...

he's also got one.

Make some love music, you know, then your notes will just--

come to you.

- "Oh, Matt, oh!" - Stop!

- Ernie: Matt, Matt! - Stifler!

- Stifler, Stifler! - Boy: Let go of me, you asshole!

- Stifler! - Hey, Elyse!

- Throw it back, come on. - Over here.

What do you got?

- Oh, oops! - ( crowd groans )

Sorry.

Matt: Hey, if I have to ring a triangle,

- you have to throw À the football. - Okay.

Draw your arm back. There you go.

Shoulder toward your target.

All right, now step forward,

Wait-- come on, we're not marching. One foot.

- ( Elyse groans ) Okay. - You're fineReady?

There you go. Draw the ball over your ear,

and when you throw it, let it roll right off your fingers.

All right?

Uh, come on, throw it.

That you can feel longer than just right now

So come on, baby, let me be the girl... ♪

See, I taught you something, what?

So every time I throw it, you're gonna go get it?

That's generally how it works.

It's like playing fetch with my dog.

Except that I don't lick my own balls.

- You would if you could. - Oh yeah.

Okay, again.

Right here.

( Elyse laughs ) Look, that one looks like a bunny.

- No, it doesn't. - Yeah-huh!

Maybe a bunny with one nut.

- ( snickers ) - No, that's its tail.

- Whatever you say. - ( sighs )

You think we'll win this thing?

Hell yeah, we will--

if you write in a bagpipe part.

Oh God, I'll never make that mistake again.

- What? - The eighth grade recital.

You made me write in a part for you.

You wore your kilt.

Yeah, then Steve showed up with his friends.

But they gave me so much shit for that!

I didn't come out of my room for days.

You made it up to him by stealing all of my underwear,

so you could run them up the flagpole.

Including my training bras.

Okay, since we're having some big fucking Oprah moment here,

I'm sorry about your underwear.

And the diary.

And all that other shit too.

That's it!

- Whoa, you started it. - This is gonna get me À that scholarship.

- What? - I gotta go write this down À before I forget.

- ♪ Duh duh duh duh... ♪ - Hey hey hey!

Uh, could we do this again tomorrow night?

Yeah, sure!

- I'll see you here at sunset. - Uh, hey!

Um, could-- should I bring that Picardo thing?

Okay. I'll do a solo for you.

( laughs )

Hey!

( grunts, groans )

- What's up, Ernie? - Hey.

It was that fugly nurse again. ( snorts )

( rock music playing )

Ow!

Do you wanna touch, yeah

Do you wanna touch, yeah

Do you wanna touch me there? ♪

- ♪ Where? ♪ - Oh... my God.

- Matt Stifler? - ♪ Do you wanna touch, do you wanna touch... ♪

- Holy shit, look at you. - Arianna.

- What are you doing here? - We practice our routine À with the band.

- What are you doing here? - Uh, I had to come.

The school made me. Pfft!

Does anybody know about this yet?

- Oh, they do now. - ( laughing )

Hey come on, no pictures! What are you, the papa-tit-zzi?

- Holy shit, this is À so hilarious. - Smile.

Ladies!

No time for fraternizing.

Get the bags. Guess I'll see you around...

- bandie. - What a dork.

I'm gonna email this to everybody.

( marching band playing )

Girls, that was great. Percussion, take five.

Horns, we've got to work on intonation.

The final performance is tomorrow, you guys!

Aw, you play the triangle, how cute.

No, I don't!

- Look, I told you, I had-- - I gotta go.

- I don't socialize with bandies. - I'm not a fucking bandie!

I'm not! Look, I've just been acting like a geek,

I've been playing them so I could get them on hidden video.

I've been secretly videotaping them doing all this crazy shit.

- Really? - Yeah.

I could show you!

Okay, come by after dinner.

I'll leave my pompoms in the window for you.

- You're late. - Yeah, no shit. À Open the window.

Hold on, be careful with it.

All right, one condition before I show you the fruits of my labors.

- What's that? - I want that picture À on that camera phone erased.

Nobody at school hears about the triangle or the beanie.

I don't want anybody to think I'm a dorky-ass bandie.

- Fine. - Now can we get À on with it?

As soon as you get rid of that picture of me on your phone.

- Are you going into town? - Not tonight, I'm too tired.

Besides, they're much hotter here.

I know. It's a great crop this year.

( loon cries )

There, done deal.

Now can we see the video?

Stiffmeister Productions in association with its talented new director

Matthew Stifler is happy to premiere the unedited

unfiltered and unfucking believable

"Bandeez Gone Wild"!

( singing ) ♪ Oh yeah. ♪

( rock music playing )

- Oh my God. - That is unbelievable.

( girls laughing )

- You're kidding me, right? - That's great.

( laughs, snorts )

Girl: Danielle likes Jimmy, but she's like a foot taller than him.

And wait till you hear this! Sheree slept with that big Oscar guy, the drummer,

- said he was amazing. - Well, I hooked up À with Brandon once,

Some drummerHe has no rhythm and he couldn't even bang very long.

Oh my God, are you serious?

Yeah, he's a premie, and I'm not talking about the day he was born either.

- ( laughs ) - Can you get my back?

- I think I got a little bit of sun today. - Sure.

- And get this-- À he has one ball. - No way!

- One ball. - ( laughing )

That's why he carries that big stick everywhere.

- He's got his À other ball on top. - ( Ernie whimpers )

- Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. - ( screams )

What is that thing?

( screams )

Let's kill it!

Where'd he go?

- There he is. - I got him.

( groans )

This is going into the lake.

No one's gonna know about your little video,

'cause the shit you got us doing on tape--

So we got a contest to win tomorrow

and I don't want to see you-- understand?

Did you help him?

- ( bands warming up ) - Nelson: With East Great Falls in the lead,

Beechwood has to win the band camp playoffs.

Direct yourselves to the marching field in one hour.

Dr. Choi, Brandon Vandecamp from Beechwood

is our best musician by far,

and his father Landon is our best donor

also by far. ( chuckles )

Choi: Robards needs talented musicians as much as we need talented donors.

Ipecac...

So how is it going? Are you having fun?

It's okay.

How about some "ipecock," Vandecootch?

This herbal fucking extract will help

you Beechwood plebes play in tune, huh?

( laughs ) Shit.

Hey!

I told you I didn't want to see you anymore, Stifler!

Someday you'll thank me, asshole!

- Oscar: Orange? - Again?

- Damn. - That orange shit is janky.

I'm feeling the grape, dawg.

I don't care how many times they won, they're not getting the grape today.

That's what I'm talking about.

Nelson: Your five-time defending champion,

- Beechwood Academy! - ( cheering )

( cheering )

- Whoa, they're tight. - Chloe: Yeah, they're better than ever this year.

Okay, everybody, it's no surprise Beechwood is good,

but this year is different. This year we can beat them!

We've worked hard, and we are good enough,

and this is our time, so let's win the Cup!

( cheering )

( cheering )

Beechwood Academy,

their music today was composed by senior drum major

Brandon Vandecamp.

Beat that, hoo-ha!

East Great Falls, you may enter the field for competition.

- What? - ( cheering )

( heaving )

- Elyse: Band, ten hut! - Shit!

- One two, ready and-- - Lysie, wait wait wait! À No no no no!

Wait wait-- awwww.

I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened-- watch my shoes.

( Oscar growls )

Stifler! ( retching )

Please don't go crazy if I tell you the truth

No, you don't know what happened and you never will... ♪

ÀLevenstein: You know you're like your brother Steve.

I don't think those are the shoes you should be so eager to fill.

You know the people Steve thought were his friends...

- really didn't À like him very much. - What?!

But I think you're different. I think people want to like you, Matt.

You just make it-- really hard.

I wanted the same thing that I wanted before

So, sweetheart, tell me what's up

I won't stop

- ♪ No way... ♪ - Hoo-ha!

( laughs ) Parting is such sweet sorrow--

when you're a loser!

It's hardly what I'd be doing

If you gave me a choice... ♪

Mr. Levenstein reports that there were a few...

incidents at camp.

But-- he also says that you

bonded with the band--

briefly.

( sighs )

When school starts, you're going to be on a very short leash.

Remember, The Shermanator sees it all.

Begone.

Hey, did everybody hate my brother?

( clears throat )

Stardate: August 21st, 2005.

Some progress made with Stiffy Jr.

Behavior modification: evident.

( sighs ) Will continue to monitor.

Shermanator out.

It's a crime you let it happen to me

Never mind, I'll let it happen to you

- ♪ Out of mind, forget it, there's nothing to lose... ♪ - Double-D Sheree action.

But my mind and all the things I wanted... ♪

- A little Doc Robot. - ♪ Every time I get it, I throw it away... ♪

- Crazy fucker. - ♪ It's a sign, I get it, I wanna stay

- ♪ By the time I lose it, I'm not afraid... ♪ - ( Elyse screams )

Of looking at you truly fake it

How can I believe

When this cloud hangs over me? ♪

You're the part of me that I don't wanna see

Forget it, forget it, forget it

Forget it, forget it, forget it

Forget it, forget it, forget it

Forget it, forget it, forget it

Forget it, forget it, forget it

How can I believe

When this cloud hangs over me? ♪

You're a part of me that I don't wanna see

I can live forever here. ♪

( band rehearsing )

- Hey, Stifler, À where's your instrument? - You're in the wrong uniform.

Screw them, dude. They're gonna freak out when they see the video.

We thought that if we had an advanced screening

then everyone would see that you're not really a dork.

I can't-- it's gone.

Guy: What?

The video, man, I deleted it.

Why?

Guess little bro is quitting the family business.

Are you kidding me?

He went fucking bandie on us.

( bell rings )

( tuning radio )

Hey, what's up, guys?

Oh, you a dead man, motherfucker.

- Hey, whoa whoa whoa! - Hey hey hey!

- You too, little man! - Wait wait wait!

Dude, the purple puke was an accident!

Somebody switched the coolers.

You--

Hey, that orange shit is janky, y'all.

Chloe?

We never saw Elyse, you know-- naked.

Matt turned off the computer.

So we're just supposed to forgive him now?

- He's still an asshole. - You're right.

I am an asshole. I can't take back spying on you

and I can't win that bandie Cup thing.

But I can help someone get what she deserves.

I'm not asking you to forgive me.

Just help me help Elyse.

- ♪ This bed is on fire with passionate love... ♪ - Ernie: I got the number.

- Matt: Go ahead. - 555-0171.

But she only comes when she's on top... ♪

Elyse: He shouldn't have been dumping ipecac in anyone's cooler.

We could have won on our own.

- ♪ My therapist said... ♪ - I don't even care that À he saw me on camera.

- Well, I mean, I do, but-- - ( knocks )

Honey, this just came for you.

That I've become a bore, oh no... ♪

- It's from Robards. - ♪ Ah, you think you're so pretty... ♪

What's it say?

Dr. Choi wants to meet with me?!

- Okay! - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay!

Bye.

( grunts )

Hi, Elyse Houston.

I have an appointment with Dr. Choi.

You're not in the book.

Oh no no, there must be some mistake, see--

I have a letter. ( giggles )

( chuckles )

This letter is, well--

it's a fake.

This is not Dr. Choi's signature.

What?

( bagpipes warming up )

( Elyse's composition playing )

Stifler.

You son of a bitch!

What, it wasn't enough for you to humiliate me

at band camp?

Now you have to set me up here?

( band begins playing )

What's going on here?

This is my band.

And that's her music.

( cheering )

Well--

I've certainly seen some interesting attempts to gain admission.

But this is a first.

Excellent audition, Ms. Houston.

- Let's go discuss À that scholarship. - Um...

- I thought Brandon won? - No...

Mr. Vandecamp was disqualified for plagiarism.

- Matt: All right. - Oscar: Ohhh.

Jimmy: That's what I'm talking about, yo.

Oh my God, you guys, that was amazing.

Thank you so much.

Thank him, it was his idea.

Word.

You planned all of this?

With some friends.

C'mere.

- Ow! - What?

Oh... I believe this is yours.

You know...

Picardo is a brand of piccolo.

You really are an asshole sometimes,

Stiffy.

( chuckles )

( crowd murmurs )

Now I... I feel like an aeroplane

Above the rain, this time... ♪

I won't make the same mistakes I used to make

It was love and evolution, it was tearing it us apart

I prayed for a solution and I found it in your heart

Now I... I feel like an aeroplane

Above the rain I can fly

It's true, I lived taking you for granted

I was deaf and numb

And blind to who you were

Now I'm gonna show you and you're gonna see

Everything you mean to me

I am going to be there whenever you need

I'll protect you, I'll respect you

Now I... I feel like an aeroplane

Above the rain

This time

I won't make the same mistakes

I used to make

It was just another emotion, it was running through my veins

But you gave me your devotion and something in me changed

Now I... I feel like an aeroplane

Above the rain

I can fly

( instrumental break )

I'll protect you

I'll respect you

Now I... I feel like an aeroplane

Above the rain

This time I won't make the same mistakes

I used to make

Oh, I feel like aeroplane

Above the rain

This time... ♪

I won't make the same mistakes I used to make

Some questions have no answer, some answers have no truth

The truth is my religion and I see the truth in you

Now I... I feel like an aeroplane

Above the rain I can fly. ♪

Jimmy: Matt, change the channel, yo!

Hook a brother up with some mad beats.

Oscar: Will you cut that out?!

Your name is James Hai Ping Chong.

Your dad owns a Chinese restaurant. You live in the suburbs.

You ain't never gonna be a gangsta. Damn.

Jimmy: That's cold, dawg.

The Description of American Pie Presents: Band Camp