Growing up my old man used to say...
..."WHEN YOURE OLDER BE BOLDER, COZ LIFE GETS HARDER SOLDIER,
AND THE DREAMS THEY'VE SOLD YA BECOME FUCKING NIGHTMARES".
So it's no surprise as a child, I was always scared.
You see I surmised at age five his fears were mine
and as I climbed those stairs each night alone to face the dark
my hopes and dreams were torn apart
before they even had a chance to start forming.
I'll never forget the morning he left,
I took a long deep breath and for a year of my life I literally stopped talking.
And it wasn't him leaving or the feeling of grieving that left me reeling.
It's because I'd suppressed the pain shouting and screaming,
the arguments, lying and cheating,
the clouting, tears and negative spouting for years.
Lightning quick his fun could switch to violence
Now that science makes any five-year-old compliant.
But like all fathers to their sons...
...he was my Giant.
But when you're five, your mind ain't yours,
and the flaws and fears of your guides and peers can inspire or tire you for years,
So I retired inside those fears where I'd reside in silence,
blaming my five-year-old self for the violence.
And even though I know that wasn't perfect
and walking away wasn't worth it
I'm certain somewhere deep down it hurt him.
When i next spoke i toked on the smoke of rage,
channelled my pain unlocking a cage from where the beast dwelled
from a childhood hell, and i took aim.
Only years later did I unleash a Power greater than hate,
from a cell where I began to meditate on the state I was in,
channeling rage onto page from the cage I was in,
I turned a key in the door and I wiped the floor with him.
You see, letting go of the victim mentality freed me from the agony
I'd been suffering in, smothering in.
Paying for his sins got me thinking like him,
I was drinking like him, sinking like him,
I was drowning so fast because I thought my sails were half mast to begin,
and at my most dim I surpassed a half-assed version of him and I found me.
And believe me it hit me hard when I owned those scars,
I had to raise the bar and I aimed for the stars
I learnt to forgive so I forgave
to pave a way to save a day that I never thought i'd make let alone command.
And that's when I realised...
...you see, violence begets violence
It's a product of survival and misguidance,
a science where reliance is a factor,
its appliance suits the benefactor who is usually the oppressor,
but when two forces come together whether ones smarter, stronger, faster,
can last longer or conjure the Thunder,
its about he or she who storms that weather.
So if you've blundered if you've severed ties,
if you've been bullied beaten or brutalised
or you even wear a mask to disguise a past thats dark, you're not alone.
Angers what I'd always honed forgiveness hadn't grown,
until I wrote this poem now that was the spark.
please like share and post this, not for my ego or me to boast with
but so these words ignite inside someone
and hopefully, maybe one day like me,
home they'll come.