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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Two-Bit Waltz

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[music playing]

THERAPIST (VOICEOVER): And why is it that you're here?

-I saw a sign today that said "Randy's Donuts--

tastiest donuts you've ever endured."

-And why is that you're here?

-I want to die.

-Recently, how have you been occupying your time?

MAUDE (VOICEOVER): I haven't been.

[tapping microphone]

-Breakfast.

-Good morning.

-What is the point of school?

-You really shouldn't smoke.

-(MOCKINGLY) You should smoke.

-That's incredibly immature.

-You want a drink?

-It's 6:30 in the morning.

-Oh, God.

-Maude, go to school.

And don't become a filthy prostitute.

And you really shouldn't smoke.

[door closes]

"Dear Abby--"

"Dear Abby--"

"Dear Abby--"

-What are you writing?

-[hisses]

-Hi.

Stop moping.

-I'm not moping.

-You are obviously upset.

-Why would you say that?

-You knew him for a week.

-Oh, God.

-He was an idiot.

-He told me he loved me.

-No, he didn't.

-That's true.

-He knowingly took your virginity,

and then said he was planning on being faithful

but couldn't promise anything.

-Ugh.

-What are you writing?

-Notes on my novel, which I know I

haven't written yet, but-- OK.

Now, I know you were just trying to be helpful,

but that was actually really, really annoying.

And I think that it's not good to--

-Stiff up your lip.

Now, come on.

We'll be late for school.

-Right as always, Muffin.

JENNY: Don't call me that.

-Let's hang out after school today, yeah?

-No.

-Why?

-I have a college tutor.

-OK, well, then we'll get all our girly chatty time in chem

then.

-I have SAT prep.

-OK, well then we'll talk at lunch.

-Have applications.

-Well, then--

-No.

-I hate you.

-No, you don't.

-Very true.

I think you're a world wonder.

You're my little cherub pie, and I adore you like a--

-Don't call me that.

-'K, bye!

Love you.

You're my best friend.

[school bell rings]

-And what are we not going to do today?

-Cause trouble.

-And how are we not going to do it?

-By doing nothing that involves anything.

-More specifically by--?

-I don't know.

-Why do you not know?

-I'm not sure.

-Because you do not--

-Brush my teeth.

- --pay attention.

-OK.

OK.

Now, I say, "Brush my teeth."

I'm sorry.

I say, "Pay attention."

And you say, "Brush my teeth."

Are you ready?

One, two, three, go.

-There are a few minutes left before school starts.

I suggest you use it to finish your homework.

-What makes you think I haven't done it already?

-Instinct.

-(MOCKINGLY) Instinct.

-That's incredibly immature.

[school bell rings]

-What do you mean you didn't take anything away

from "The Diary of Anne Frank"?

-[snickers]

Well, like she's not making it up.

MAUDE (VOICEOVER): It was a joke.

-I've had just about enough of this.

-You know what they say.

If at first you don't succeed--

-Did your mother abandon you as a baby?

-No.

-But you told me--

-Oh.

Right, yeah, no.

She just doesn't go back to school night.

-And why did you mock the material?

-Well, to be honest, I just didn't do the report.

-Why not?

-I'm writing this novel, and--

GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: A novel?

Listen to me, young lady.

The way you've been behaving this year,

I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't graduate,

let alone get into a good college.

-Oh, I don't want to go to--

-And I hope you're aware that racist comments are something

that we do not nor will we ever tolerate.

Especially coming from someone with a Jewish background,

I found a particularly disgraceful

that you would shame your own people by suggesting-- are you

listening to me?

Maude?

Maude?

-What?

Oh.

Listen.

You are my itty-bitty little counselor friend,

and I adore you.

And I want you to know that I am fully

aware that the Holocaust is real.

I just didn't do my homework.

-Take this.

Sit there.

Write the report.

And when you're done, I want you to write a public apology

to give to the entire student body tomorrow.

Is that clear?

-Yes.

-[sighs]

[taps microphone, feedback]

-Does this mean I'm not allowed to say "kike"?

[school bell rings]

I have this idea for the story about this young coke

addict that wants to hit it big in the big city.

What do you think?

-What happened?

MAUDE: Life got to her in a way that could only

be dealt with by self-medication.

It's a nice day.

Jeez, man, it's a really nice day.

-No.

What happened to you?

MAUDE: I was born on a star.

-You were suspended.

MAUDE: Yes.

-I see, and how long ago was this?

MAUDE: Days, years, weeks, months.

-Says on the transcript, two weeks.

-I have had too much time to be alone with my thoughts.

-I'm very disappointed in you

-I know.

-I can't understand how this has happened.

-Yeah, I know.

-I do not understand why you insist on acting like a child.

-Yeah, I know.

-Your priorities are extremely misguided.

And not only that, but you completely

choose to ignore your own well-being in favor of things

that seem fun or interesting or cool.

-Yeah, I know.

-Which means that you will never gain the respect of the people

around you.

-I know, I know, I know that.

-Now, I want you to go to your room

and think about what you've done and not

come out until you are truly sorry.

-Yeah, I know.

I love you so much.

-Hello, darling.

You're just in time for the story.

-I need to talk to you.

-Darling, it'll have to wait.

I must tell the tale of the magic rabbit.

-It's kind of important.

-Can you two please move your conversation outside?

I'd like to take my bath in peace.

-Will both of you please be quiet?

Now, once upon a time, there was a little magic rabbit

who lived in a cave with an evil yoga practitioner.

One day, he was hopping down the lane.

-Rabbits don't live in caves.

-Yes, they do.

-No, they absolutely do not.

-Well, they do in this story.

-Mother, you know I hate inaccuracies

in bedtime stories.

-Well, this isn't a bedtime story.

It's a bath-time story.

-That's precisely my point.

Your story's a falsity and has also breached my private time.

-Darling, why must you always be so negative?

-I got suspended.

-I really don't know what that means.

-OK.

-Well, I'll just, um-- I'll talk to you later.

-All right, darling.

One day, he was hopping down the lane.

-Your mother mentioned a few things.

Obviously, grief in some cases can lead to severe--

MAUDE: It's not a question of grief.

-All right.

Well, just for reference, grief in some cases can be--

-I don't know what my mother mentioned,

but it's not a question of grief.

THERAPIST: Well, what would it be a question of then?

-Conservative fiscalism.

THERAPIST: I'm sorry?

-Conservative fiscalism.

THERAPIST: What?

[music playing]

-Maude, breakfast.

-Breakfast.

ANITA: "Plutonian Facts."

Carl, pay attention.

"Pluto descends in the top hemisphere.

And Venus seems to be rising at the left.

And we should all be very careful of Mars, because--"

-Hi.

TOGETHER: Hi.

-"The Arctic Circle--"

-What are you eating?

-"--which is in the northern hemisphere--"

-Toast.

-Cool.

Can I have some?

-No.

-I went for a mind run.

I ran half a block.

-"--over the plains of the earth."

-What?

-My darling little snummy bumpkins, please

do not interrupt the daily horoscope.

-Snummy bumpkins?

-Bummy snumpkins?

"--that it may once again become the overlaying and--"

-I'll just go back to bed.

-Yes, darling.

You have a little rest.

"--that we all know--" Wait, wait, wait.

You can't go back to bed.

I'm sorry I forgot.

We're going to see Granny today.

Well, go on.

Go on.

Go upstairs.

Have the shower.

Wash your face.

Shine your shoes.

Do your things.

-OK.

-All right, darling.

You look so beautiful.

Bernie, dear, what is the matter?

-My toast is out of focus.

-Do try and eat your toast, Bernie.

"We all know and love her to be--"

-Hello.

TOGETHER: Hello.

-How are you, Granny?

Granny?

-[speaking hebrew]

-Carl, dear, please try and pay attention.

-I'm curious.

-I don't want to think about it.

-You should want to think about it.

You're gonna a lot.

I mean, get more-- she liked me more.

-That's beside the point.

-It isn't beside the point if it's

going to be available to you in a week.

-You know, you are a terrible person.

Granny is dead, and all you can talk about is inheritance.

-So all of a sudden, she isn't some old wraith

with a terrible temper and smelly arms?

-She's still dead.

-That doesn't make it right.

-Children.

-You want to go to the movies today?

-I can't.

I have school after this.

-What?

Granny is dead.

-You can keep saying that.

I told them that she died, like, two years ago

that month mom and me had that band.

-Can you just hang out with me anyway?

-I have nothing to do.

-All right.

You're the self-hating Jew now.

-You aren't, huh?

-Yeah.

[kisses]

-Ew.

-Give you $10 if you lick her face.

-Hi.

-What, dear?

-I said hi.

-I can't talk now, darling.

It's Bernie's time to shine.

-Mother, can you please stop saying that?

-Does he really have to go to school today?

-Yes.

-I've already wrapped my head around going.

If I have to unwrap it now, there'll

be no much time before yoga.

-How much time?

-When do you have to go to yoga?

-After she drops me off.

-All right.

Do I have everything?

Yes.

Yes.

All right.

Darling, don't look so forlorn.

Why don't you do something constructive with your time?

Why don't you work on that nice little play

thing you've been doing?

-It's a book.

-Is it?

-I don't know.

-And for heaven's sake, don't jump on our bed.

You'll wake up your father.

-I don't do that anymore.

Besides, he sleeps under the shades in the living room now.

-No, I found him under the bed.

I think the casket is making his nostalgic.

-When are they going to take that thing away?

-Calm down, dear.

It's only been an hour.

They'll be here in a few days.

-What?

-Will you come back and hang out with me after yoga?

-Darling, I would, but I don't want to.

Bye.

[cellphone vibrates]

-Jesus.

What?

-I'm sorry.

Am I not allowed to call my very bestie friendy-wendy?

I've been trying to get a hold of you for, like, three days.

-I'm writing my personal statement.

-Well, would you talk to me if you

knew that my grandmother had just died?

Jenny?

Jenny.

-What?

MAUDE (ON PHONE): My grandmother has just died.

-No, she hasn't.

-She has.

-In fact, she had time to die and have

a funeral, which I have just attended.

That is how long you have not returned my phone calls for.

-Well, you never her anyway.

-Will you please come over after school and hang out with me?

-You know, this is what the rest of your life

is going to be like without the collegiate experience.

-Jenny, you have nothing to do when you're suspended.

-Stop messing around, and write your novel.

And eat something besides toast.

That does not mean crackers.

-Roll up, roll up, ladies and gentlemen.

Come one, come all, for the cracker show.

They cure all your worries.

They cure all your cares.

And for the price of just a few calories,

you, too, can be a buyer and an eater of crackers.

Contrary to what your best friend might think,

they are good for you, and they make you feel great.

Crackers?

You guys like crackers?

TOGETHER: No.

-(WHISPERING) I never told you this,

but I always thought that we would have been really good

friends.

CARL: Ow!

God.

-Sorry.

I didn't know anyone was in here.

CARL: What?

-I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out.

Death is a strange thing, you know I mean?

Holds all of this cosmic significance.

And yet, we have no idea what it's really about.

You know, like, I could be dead in the afterlife

right now but alive here like I am.

Or I could be alive here in the afterlife and dead from before.

It's, like, slightly more or slightly less

confusing conversely to the idea that it's

slightly less or slightly more confusing,

depending on who you're talking to.

You know, like, for instance, if I were talking to you,

it might be different than if I were talking to someone else.

You know what I mean?

It's like many, many years ago, the dinosaurs--

-Please.

Don't.

-But cosmically, you know what I'm saying?

It's so-- it's bizarre.

And you just-- you look at it, and you're

like, what-- what's going on?

You know, wow.

You're this thing that's right here.

And I just can't-- you know, I can't really comprehend it,

you know what I'm saying?

It's like, you ever feel like the universe just

walks up to you and is like, oh, hello.

You must be Carl.

-I can't.

-"To be, or not to be, that is the question--

whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows

of outrageous Fortune, or to take Arms against a Sea

of troubles, and by opposing end them?"

of troubles, and by opposing end them?"

of troubles, and by opposing end them?"

"--to sleep-- no more; and by a sleep,

to say we end the Heart-ache, and the thousand Natural shocks

that Flesh is heir to?"

that Flesh is heir to?"

that Flesh is heir to?"

-So you say you feel lonely, misunderstood.

-Absolutely not.

If anything, I feel much too understood.

-What?

Will you please focus?

-(BRITISH ACCENT) I should dare before the missus gets home.

-What happened then?

-You know, it's actually not a bad line for a scullery maid.

-Maude.

-Yes?

-What happened then?

-I sat on my thinking rock and thought thoughts.

-You have a rock that you go and think on?

-No.

Actually, I think in the field, it's

just sometimes there's a rock there.

-There's a field around here.

-Well, no.

-OK, earlier you said that the death of your grandmother

was a question of fiscal conservatism.

-Conservative fiscalism, yes.

-What?

-Nothing.

-Why are you looking at me like that?

-Why am I looking at you like what?

-Like that.

-Like what?

-Like that.

-Like what?

-Like that.

-Like what?

OK, now I say, "Like that," and you say, "Like what?"

Ready?

One, two, three.

TOGETHER: Like that.

-No, no, no, no.

I have to say, "Like that," and you have to say, "Like what?"

You ready?

OK.

One, two, three.

Like that.

-Like what?

I don't get it.

-It's funny, because I say, "Like that,"

and you say, "Like what?"

And then I say, "Like what?" and you say, "Like that."

You ready?

One, two, three.

Like that.

-Like what?

Like that.

-Like what?

[both chuckle]

-Why are you looking at me like that?

ANITA: Hey.

Jesus Christ, what a day.

We had the funeral.

I had to take Bernie to school.

-I say they took Granny.

-Death is a fickle thing, you know?

And neither I nor your father can

seem to remember whose mother she actually was.

Where were you?

-I was thinking.

-About what?

-I don't know.

My book is no good.

-What's it about?

-Human condition.

-Do you have a light?

-No.

Or, I have this idea for this story about these twins

that are separated at birth.

And one grows up to be a gypsy, and one grows up

to be a policeman.

And they're given away in a cardboard box, if you will.

So, like, they don't really know where the other person is.

But they, like, have a vague idea, because, you know,

they looked into it as adults or something.

But anyway, the gypsy gets captured by this traveling

circus that's going to the town that the policeman polices for,

right?

And they're just outside the village

when they decide to stop for the night.

And the gypsy is in charge of taking care of the elephants.

And she falls asleep with the elephant.

And she has this crazy dream, right?

And her mom comes to her in the dream, her long-lost mother,

and tells her that she's inside the belly of the elephant

and needs to be cut out.

So in the morning, when the gypsy wakes up,

she checks inside the mouth of the elephant

and realizes that yes, in fact, her mother is inside of it.

And she decides that when she gets to the village,

she's going to seek out her brother.

And they are going to figure out a way

to cut her mother loose and escape.

-And?

-And what?

-And then what?

-What do you mean?

-Is she reunited with her brother?

-Oh.

Yes, but they realize they're just being silly.

-You're a very strange child, aren't you?

-Do you think it would make a good novel?

Because--

-I think that you shouldn't think about it right now.

I think that you should get some sleep.

I'm taking you to see Granny's lawyer tomorrow.

-Why?

ANITA: The will, darling.

-Oh.

-Yes, the will, and an interesting little thing

that I like to call wealth.

I wonder what you'll do with it.

What about you?

-Oh, she's not leaving me anything, silly.

She hated me.

She absolutely detested your father.

No, no.

The only people in our family getting anything

are you and your brother.

Darling, don't frown, cherub.

I hate to see you worry.

It's a very bad habit, you know?

You should get out of it as soon as possible, because, you know,

you do have the potential to become a very unhappy person.

Night-night, love.

-Could she face her future?

The girl did not know.

What lays in life that is not in death.

The future, being fickle in its nature, is very unpredictable

and, therefore, bodes ill to those who find wanting,

which posed the question, could she face her future?

The girl did not know.

What lays in life that is not in death?

The promise of a new day?

Pick a card.

You will live a long and prosperous life.

What?

-It says you're fat.

-Thank you very much for coming.

-It's our pleasure.

-Your grandmother was a fine woman.

-Was she?

-Now, Maude, don't be rhetorical.

-Was it rhetorical?

-Please, dear.

You were saying?

-Yes, uh, well, it was your grandmother's wish,

in the event of her death, that you inherit $5 million,

when you come of age, to be put into your college fund.

Oh, and she also left you this charming figurine.

-What?

It was your grandmother's wish, in the event of her death,

that when you came of age, you would inherit $5 million,

and you get a figure, Maude.

Isn't it exciting?

-But I turn 18 next week.

LAWYER: And that's $5 million for her college fund.

-$5 million.

-For her college fund.

-Oh, dear.

Is that a requirement?

-Well, uh, mm, yes.

-But I don't want to go to college.

-Now, now, Maude.

Maude was saying quite truthfully that she

was thinking of not attending collegiate, um, things.

But I'm sure she can be persuaded out of it, though she

has had some recent, uh, mishaps at school.

-I'm suspended and I'm failing every class.

-Maude.

-Huh.

Oh, well.

Is that all?

Well, I wouldn't worry about that.

You see, your grandmother has donated many a college

building.

So you just decide which school you want to go to,

and I'm sure that we can figure something out.

-I'm sorry.

Uh, what if I just-- I don't go to college.

-Well, then the money will go to charity.

-What charity?

-Dogs.

-Jesus.

-Yes.

-But--

-But that won't matter, because Maude will simply just

have to go to college.

-And if she picks a school with a reasonable tuition,

then she can keep whatever inheritance she doesn't spend.

MAUDE: But--

-Wonderful.

Well, how should we proceed?

-OK.

Well, I'm going to have my secretary send

you some brochures of schools that we're on the best terms

with.

Then I'm going to have you back in here next week,

and you're going to tell me your decision.

And then the money will go straight

into your college account.

-Wonderful.

-Wonderful.

-Wonderful.

-[chuckles]

[nervous chuckle]

-Well, I think that went very well.

Now, Maude, I know you said you'd rather eat your uterus

than get a degree, but I think you're

going to have a fabulous time.

It's college.

Isn't it exciting?

I wonder what they do there.

Oh, well.

When you go, you can tell me all about it

and bring me back one of those hats.

How's my hair?

Oh, damn.

We forgot your figurine.

[thunder crashes]

-Do you know "Camptown Races"?

[yelps]

["mary had a little lamb" plays]

-You were unsure?

MAUDE: I was unsure.

-Are you still unsure?

MAUDE: Well, yes.

-And that caused you to--

-No.

I went to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up.

-As one down.

-And then--

-Please, try and remember.

-Why are you talking to me like that?

I remember everything that went on.

I am not a raped war veteran.

-It hurts my feelings when you talk to me so harshly.

-I have a feeling you're secretly mocking me

when you say that.

-Perhaps you're right.

-That makes me want to tell you everything.

-Wake up.

You're in my spot.

Also, Jenny's here.

-What?

And to what do I owe this extremely pleasurable delight

of all delights?

-Jesus, calm down.

-(EXCITEDLY) I just can't believe it's real!

-Please don't do that anymore.

-I haven't done it until just now.

-Please don't do that anymore right now.

-I can't.

-Please don't start.

-(SINGING) My Bonnie lies over the ocean.

My Bonnie lies over the sea.

My Bonnie lies over the ocean.

Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.

BOTH: (SINGING) Bring back, oh, bring back,

oh, bring back my Bonnie to me, to me.

Bring back, oh, bring back, oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.

-OK.

What's up?

-I'm moving.

I need to be closer to West Point.

-Listen, it'll be fine.

OK, she seems to-- I'm trying to say

she seems to really love you.

-Ugh!

-And it--

-[groans]

-(WHISPERS) Fuck.

So I bet she'll keep in touch.

-[heavy breathing]

-Here.

(WHISPERS) Christ, so gross.

[flicking lighter]

Here we go.

OK.

Hey, she seems like she's going to want to keep in touch, OK?

-You think so?

-Yes, absolutely.

-OK.

So when does she leave?

-Tonight.

-OK.

Um, that's still a lot of time, though.

And--

-[anguished moan]

-Use a lot of it with her, OK?

Please?

You can do this.

It'll be fine.

Stop crying and-- I'm sorry I let you smoke.

I shouldn't have done that.

You shouldn't smoke.

Don't smoke.

-I'm not crying.

ANITA: In, out.

In and out.

You should come out here and make those noises

every single day.

You'll live longer.

Look at me.

Anyway, darling, I think you're doing enormously well.

If my best friend were leaving this evening,

I'd be a total wreck.

I so admire your ability to be alone.

And she's really your only friend, isn't she?

I tell you, if that were me, I would just give up.

I would just positively give up.

-Will you call me every day?

-No.

-I'll think about you every minute of every hour.

-I know.

-You are the best and truest friend a girl has ever had.

-Don't sleep with that boy again.

-Why would I ever do that?

-Because I am the only good influence in your life.

I love you too.

-"She watched the car go, tears in her eyes,

as she wondered what had become of that happy-go-lucky girl she

once saw in the mirror.

Now simply a--"

[object lands]

"Now simply a ghost in the--" "Now simply a--" Jesus.

Do you know what?

That's just rude, all right?

Come on.

Jenny!

Will you come back and help me clear my head?

(WHISPERS) Fuck.

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

-You felt alone.

-What about if I became an excellent juggler?

-You felt alone.

-Or, like, an excellent surfer.

-You felt alone.

-I always feel alone.

-You mentioned something about a boy?

About a boy.

-Yes.

-The one Jenny--

-Told me not to sleep with again.

-And you--

-I had self-respect once, but I put it in the ironing cupboard,

and it never seemed to turn up again.

-It's incredibly annoying when you talk like that.

MAUDE: That's not very nice.

Showtime.

-Here, there are, like, a million brochures for you

in the hallway.

Where are you going?

-Out.

-Where?

-To get some popcorn.

-And fall into the arms of the one who mistreats you?

-He's my beloved.

-I thought he had more dignity.

-Says the kid who never leaves his room except

to get more napkins and lotion.

-I'm a pubescent child.

It's called "self-discovery."

-And what do you call what I'm doing?

-"Soul-sucking denial."

-Oh.

Go back to masturbating.

This conversation is the insufferable.

-Fine.

I'll be back here to pick up the pieces when you return.

-Fine.

-I love you, sis.

-Love you, too, other sis.

[heavy breathing]

Hi.

-Hi.

I missed you.

-Did you?

-Yeah, like, when-- before, when we were hanging out, like,

before you went away, I never got to properly, well,

thank you for having sex with me all those times.

-Sir, it was a pleasure.

-I mean, I love having sex with you.

-That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

-You want to do something tonight?

-Like a date?

-Sure.

-Sure.

[cheerful music]

[applause]

-How'd it go?

MAUDE: Excellent.

How'd it go with you?

-Excellent.

-Gross.

-You asked.

-I know.

Gross.

-Gross.

-He asked me on a date.

-Oh, Christ.

-He asked me on a date.

-You discuss me right now.

-Bernie, Bernard, little Bertram, I swear to God he did.

-If I were you, I would focus less on imaginary dates

with boys and more on the discussing amounts of money

you are going to lose to a dog rescue

if you do not pick a school to go to.

-How come Mom never tells me your secrets, huh?

-She likes me better.

-Mom likes you better.

Grandma liked you better.

-Everyone likes me better.

-Fine.

Anyway, it's not an imaginary date with the boy.

It is a real date with a boy.

-That wasn't what you were supposed

to take away from that comment.

-Bernie, what about this for an idea?

Maybe for the book.

I'm not sure.

I am the princess of an alien people called the Quoppians.

And I am engaged to be married to this other guy

of another alien people called the Termidittens.

And there's all this pressure coming

from my friends and my family to marry this guy.

But I fall in love with my lady's maid.

And we fight for what we believe in, and it's all OK,

and we live happily ever after.

What do you think?

-So in your wildest fantasy, you're a lesbian?

-Do you think it would make a good novel?

Because I--

-Can I borrow $5?

-Sure.

-[sighs]

-(SINGING) I'm gonna look amazing.

BABY ELEPHANT: Your insecurity is

gonna make some Weimaraner very happy.

Also, your hat's disgusting.

-The hat-- no.

-So this boy.

-Yes.

-You're having casual sex with this boy.

-No.

-We're in love.

-No.

You're pathetic.

-No, I'm in love.

-No, you're path--

-Hey.

You're not supposed to say stuff like that to me.

If I want tough love, I can buy it.

THERAPIST: That is essentially what this is.

-Damn it.

THERAPIST: You can't smoke in here.

-OK, after careful consideration,

I have decided you are right.

Though my memories of said tryst are fond,

I was being used-- raped, some might say.

-No one would say that.

MAUDE: Fine.

Anyway, I'm not seeing him anymore.

-Obviously.

-No.

I mean, it fell through in the end.

THERAPIST: Yes.

-Would you like me to continue?

THERAPIST: Yes.

-Where was I?

-Don't say stuff like that.

-Why?

-You know exactly where you were.

-Wow.

-Yes?

-You look large.

-Thank you.

What?

-Well, you're encompassed by fur.

-Right.

-So I was thinking we go for a walk.

-Cool.

-You're so normal.

-I'm sorry.

What?

-What?

-Did you just say I'm so normal?

-Well, yeah, you know.

Like, ordinary.

-No, no, I mean, I know what normal means.

I just-- like, you don't think I'm

cool or funny or weird or anything?

-I mean, you're pretty normal, stable.

It's cool.

-Don't take that badly.

I didn't mean--

-No.

No, it's, um-- it's not you.

I'm sorry.

I think I have a lot on my mind.

I turn 18 next week.

-Birthday blues?

-No, um, my grandma died, and I'm like--

-Oh, my god, I'm sorry.

-No, no, it's not-- it's not that.

It's like, uh, she left me this money.

-Money's good.

-But it's a lot of money.

-Well, that's good.

-But I have to go to college.

-What?

-The money's for my college account,

so I only get it if I go to college.

-College is good.

-I hate school.

-Yeah, but college.

-Maybe you're right.

-It seems to me that you're going to go,

and you're going to be getting smarter than you are now.

And that's pretty cool, because you're already

the smartest person I know.

-You really think I'm the smartest person you know?

-Yeah.

It's kind of sexy.

-Yeah?

-You say you turn 18 next week?

-Yes.

-Well, we better get it on before it's legal.

[chortles]

What better way to celebrate college

than having sex in an empty movie theater?

-I love you.

-What?

-I love you.

-This isn't a good time.

MAUDE: There was nothing to be done but to grieve.

For the poor girl had lost her heart and therefore her will.

What is a life without love?

What is a life at all? she wondered.

And with her heart soiled and stewing in shit did she sit,

alone.

A black sheep?

A tame wolf?

Perhaps.

But destined to be forever lonely, unaware, and--

[car horn blares]

Bernie?

What's going on?

-Mom sent me to look for you.

-Are you OK?

-Christ, no, I'm not fucking OK.

-OK.

-Jesus Christ.

-OK.

-Mom sent me out to drive.

-It's OK.

-And I can't fucking drive.

-Bernie.

-And I'm sorry for cursing.

-Bernie, it's OK.

-But I'm upset right now.

And you had sex in that movie theater with that guy,

didn't you?

-No.

I told him I loved him, and he locked himself

in a projection room.

-[laughs]

Oh.

-Oh, God.

-Sorry for yelling.

-Get in the car.

Come on.

-All right.

-Let's get home.

-I'll drive this time.

-Yes, you shall.

-Maybe I don't even need the money.

Unless I could use the money to buy some more talent.

-I mean, all you have to do is go into our hallway

and randomly select a brochure, and you've quite literally

passed Go and collected $5 million.

-No.

-What about a diploma is so unappealing?

-What about a story about love?

Like, just love.

-I think they already did that one.

-What about a murder mystery, and it's like a whodunit?

-Have you actually sat down and written anything yet?

-No.

Bern, my heart is broken.

Bern?

-Oh, well, I think I fell asleep.

Now, I wish I had some writing pen.

Not you.

You don't work.

[gasps]

-Night, Mom.

-Night, Mom.

-Good night, children.

Hello.

Bye.

Goodbye.

Love you.

Brush your teeth.

And don't forget to have sweet dreams,

because I love you so much.

-Maude?

-Yeah, Bern?

-That guy did you a favor.

-How so?

-He broke your heart.

-And?

-All great writers have broken hearts.

[yawns]

You should write a book tomorrow.

You can write a whole book on your broken heart.

-Night, Bern.

-I see.

-You do?

Oh, good.

-It's interesting.

-No, it's not.

-You're right.

But you think it is.

-It is.

-You just said it wasn't.

-I lied.

-Maybe that's your problem.

-Liar.

-Fine.

-Everyone's problems are interesting to them, just not

so much to other people.

That's why all therapists want to kill themselves.

-I don't seem to be there yet.

-In time, you will learn.

-Mm.

Anyway, your biggest problem seems to be--

-What about a story about a dog?

-I think they did that one.

-Which breeds haven't they covered?

-Hm.

-And today was the day.

The day of all days.

The day she would go into battle with her wits

and her mind of minds, in order to conquer the beast

within that was her inner turmoil.

Like a bird waking from its slumber,

'twould be a day of victory-- nay, a day of creation,

better than a day of victory.

Her own spark of divide and fire rising from within her,

not only for her own good but for--

CARL: [coughs]

Good morning.

- --but for the sake of all mankind.

-Maude, dear.

I--

-Today is the day, Mother.

-What?

-Yes, I woke up, and I said, today is the day.

-The day of what?

-I will have an idea, a better idea, for the book.

Today is the day.

-Darling, what about an idea for which college?

I've made a list of the ones that are prettiest.

And I that we could--

-There's no time.

-What are you going--

-Out.

-Why?

-Because today is the day.

-Ah.

Well, Bernie and I are just going out.

I'm a little frustrated that we can't talk about your future

now, but you're still my beautiful azalea.

Please remember to go to the bathroom.

BABY ELEPHANT: Um, excuse me.

Excuse me.

-Oh, my god.

What?

Hi.

-I saw you.

I wanted to know if everything was all right.

-Oh, yeah.

Everything's fine.

You know, I just came out here for a little inspiration,

some time to think.

I thought maybe something would come to me.

-Call Jenny.

-I don't need to call Jenny.

I'm fine.

-You should definitely call Jenny.

-I'm fine.

-Call Jenny.

-I'm fine.

-Call Jenny.

-I'm fine.

-Call--

-Hey.

Why are you talking to me like I'm a crazy person?

I am not a crazy person.

You are a crazy person.

I'm fine.

-You've been sitting there for a day and a half.

-Yeah, I'm gonna call Jenny.

[phone rings]

-Hello?

MAUDE (ON PHONE): Jennifer.

-Oh, God.

-I can't think of a worthwhile idea for my goddamn book,

and I need a side from God.

So I was hoping that I could call you,

and something you said would spark

a brilliant idea in my head.

And then I would write it, and everything would be OK,

and it would be a great book.

So tell me, tell me, tell me things.

-What, you want some brilliant fucking earth-shattering idea?

Make it about martians and love, and don't

write like an asshole.

You'll do fine.

-What does that even mean?

-Have you given any thought to what college

you're going to yet?

-Jesus, have you been talking to my mother?

-I have been calling her to check up on you.

-Why don't you just call me?

-It's too stressful.

-Jenny, I--

-Now, your birthday is tomorrow.

Are you aware of that?

You need to decide what to do.

-You want to call me tomorrow?

-Maude, focus.

Go find your mother, and pick the fucking

school you like best.

You just have to have a five-minute conversation,

and then you can go back to writing your stupid fucking

book.

And I can go back to studying and trying

to earn my way into college like a normal--

-Jenny, thank you.

Seriously, you are a world wonder genius.

And now I'm going to do something

I've never done before in my life

and hang up on you, because my brain is

on fire with my next great work.

So I love you.

Call me tomorrow.

-Maude.

-OK.

So it's love.

-Totally.

-And aliens.

-Totally.

-Like heartbreak.

-Yeah.

-Because he's an alien.

-Right.

-And she's a girl.

-Yes.

-And his tendencies are alien.

-Precisely.

-And he leaves.

-Gone.

-But she still loves him.

-Love.

-Heartbreak.

-Yes.

-Alien tendencies.

-Mm.

-Double meaning.

-Totally deep.

-You like it?

-Love it.

-Recap.

-Aliens-- boy, girl.

Boy is alien.

Girl is human.

He breaks heart.

She is sad.

Baked into a delicious morsel that is the novel.

-Copy?

-Copy.

-Let's run with it.

-You guys, Maude has an idea for her story.

-Woo-hoo!

-Yay!

-Hello?

Mom?

Bernie?

Hello?

Is anyone here?

[gasps]

Oh, my god.

-What?

-There was once a man who didn't know where he came from,

and he fell in love with a girl.

When they met, she told him that she liked him,

and she thought it was unfortunate.

He asked her why, and she told him

it was because she didn't like to meet new people.

And then he knew that he liked her too.

He was very unhappy, and he wore it well.

And she was sweet, and she liked that about him.

He made her upset, because he never worried.

But she wanted him to be happy, even if she wasn't.

And so she put on a happy face.

And they left the place that they had once called home,

in search of something that they could call their very, very

own.

They traveled for a really long time

and finally came to an agreement and found a place

to settle down.

And soon the woman was with child.

What when it came time for the child

to be born, something changed.

And then the men disappeared.

And the baby was born.

And the days got colder and the nights got longer and the woman

got thinner.

And the child was alone, because the woman eventually laid down

to die.

And the man looked down on the child from his home planet,

too sad to do anything.

And the world continued to run with

sad, bleak, gray existence.

Never date a martian.

The end.

What do you think?

-What's happening?

-It's an idea.

It's an idea for a story.

-What do you think?

Do you think it's any good?

-Yes.

-Dad.

do you think love really exists?

-No.

-Right.

Cool.

-You've done it.

-I've done it.

-Now write it.

-I'll right it.

-It's time.

-Oh, God, really?

-General consensus?

-I vote yes.

-That's one for yes.

-I also vote yes.

-That's two for yes.

Maude?

-No.

-Two for yes, one for no.

Now, for me, I vote yes.

-Recap.

-That's three for yes, one for no.

General consensus, yes.

Majority rules, ie, you write your book tonight.

-Tonight?

-Tonight.

-Tonight?

-Tonight.

-Tonight?

-Tonight.

-Tonight?

ALL: Tonight is the night.

THERAPIST: I don't understand what the problem is.

-There wasn't a problem.

-Isn't a problem.

-No, no, there wasn't a problem.

-I see.

-Yes.

-What happened then?

-I finished it.

-You finished it?

-I finished it.

-You finished it?

-Yes.

-The book?

-That's right.

[MUSIC - "SOFTLY AND TENDERLY JESUS IS CALLING"]

-And then it was--

-Yes, and then it was my first day.

-Uh-huh.

-Uh-huh.

My birthday, yes.

-Hi.

-Hey.

-So.

-I finished it.

I finished the book, and it's great.

-And now you're sleeping in a pile of your own self-loathing?

-Bernie, I finished it.

What should we do to celebrate?

-It's your birthday.

-Oh no.

-Happy birthday, my dearest dumpling.

-Thank you.

-Get dressed.

Get dressed, get, dressed.

We're already hoards upon hoards amount of late.

-For what?

-The meeting.

The meeting with the lawyer, darling.

The will.

-Oh.

-Bernie, darling, if you don't leave shortly,

you're going to have to hitchhike to school,

and you know how I feel about modern cars.

-You forgot, didn't you?

-What do I do?

What sounds smart?

I mean--

-Join an Ivy League.

They're all basically the same.

-What's an Ivy League?

ANITA: Bernie.

-It'll be fine.

-[carl snickering]

You're fucked.

You want toast?

-I assume the meeting did not go well.

-When you assume, you--

-It did not go well.

-Well, no.

-I see.

-Yeah.

For unpleasant circumstances are often

the orb from which the idea may brew.

-I think you're thinking of a Crock-Pot.

-Blackjack.

-Nice.

[elevator dings]

-Well, we're here.

-Well, it is a pleasure to see you all again.

And I assume this is Carl.

-No.

-Oh, all right then.

Uh, well, Maude.

First of all, happy birthday.

-Yeah.

Thanks.

-And, uh, before we proceed, I thought a small birthday gift

might be in order.

-"To Jeremy."

-My nephew didn't want it.

-Right.

-So, um, let's, uh-- let's begin, shall we?

-What's that?

-Oh, this is just for my records.

You know, to make sure that her wishes are honored properly.

It's, you know, in case of an investigation.

Standard procedure.

It's boring stuff.

-Right.

So tell me, what college did you like the most?

-No.

LAWYER: I'm sorry?

-I don't know.

-Maude, darling, what are you doing?

-I didn't like any of the brochures.

I didn't like any of them.

I'm sorry.

-Maude, don't do this right now.

This isn't a time for jokes.

Just tell him what you intend.

-I don't intend anything.

I looked at all the brochures.

I don't like them.

I don't like anything.

-But that's ridiculous, darling.

-You have hobbies.

Just tell him your hobbies, for Christ's sake.

-Death.

-She's kidding.

Darling, what are your interests?

-Suicide.

-Since when?

-I don't know.

Just now, I guess.

-Maude, for heaven's sake, just tell the nice lawyer

which college you want to go to, and let's get out of here.

-I don't want to go to college.

I don't want the money.

Give it to the fucking dogs.

-Well, uh, there's still the matter of this trinket.

-Carl, you go on ahead.

We'll catch up.

-I need new shoe--

-Carl.

-You're angry.

-You can't smoke in here.

Yes.

-I'm sorry.

-You're sorry, are you?

-Yes, I'm sorry.

But I think giving me two weeks to decide

what I wanted to do with the rest of my life

is an incredible amount of undeserved pressure.

-Well, it wasn't my decision, Maude.

It was your grandmother's.

And you didn't have to decide what

you wanted to do with your life.

You simply had to present yourself

as a young woman who was not insane,

and somehow you didn't manage to do that.

-Well, I couldn't foresee myself sitting

at a desk for another four years,

and I'm sorry about that.

-You didn't even try.

-Well, I was busy.

I wrote a book, and now I have nothing to do.

-Again with this "nothing to do."

I am trying to help you create your future.

You had a grossly extravagant opportunity in there,

which you decided to shit all over.

Why can't you be more like Jenny?

That girl was positively vomiting bright future.

-I know, and it was incredibly annoying.

-Not if you were her mother.

-Well, I wasn't her mother.

-There's an idea.

Why did you get pregnant?

Do something constructive with your life,

even if it is misinformed.

-Go away.

I cannot talk to you about this anymore.

-Fine.

And I want you to know that, though I am incredibly upset,

I still love you.

-Well, I think you're a cunty slut whore, and I hate you.

-Well, I think you're an ungrateful little child,

and I--

-Bad fight you had there, huh?

-Yep.

Shit on by the only woman who ever really loved me.

-And you say you're 18.

So your life is really fucked up.

-Well, it's not fucked up.

It's just--

-No, no, no.

Your life-- it's-- it's a mess.

It's a mess.

Let me-- let me tell you something.

What I-- what I saw in that meeting-- it is going nowhere.

I mean, I could barely stay awake

through that whole meeting.

But, I mean, I seemed pretty aware, right?

I seemed pretty-- pretty on the ball?

-I guess.

-Yeah, yeah.

Well, there was a pair of scissors in my leg

the whole time.

-Wow.

-Yeah, but, I mean, you couldn't notice that, right?

-No.

-Mhm.

Mhm.

You know what, kiddo?

-What?

-You know what?

-What?

-You know what?

-What?

-You remind me of someone that I knew when I was your age-- you.

-You mean me?

-Me.

-I see me in you.

-Oh.

-You see?

And let me tell you something.

When I was your age, if I had $5 million,

I wouldn't end up in a place like this,

I'll tell ya that right now.

Oh, um, here.

I want to-- I want to give you something else.

Here.

Go ahead.

So-- so tell me.

What do you really want to do?

I mean, really.

-I wrote a book.

-Uh-huh?

-I wrote a book, and now it's done.

-You wrote a book, and now it's done.

-Precisely.

-Hm.

What do you want to do now?

-Become a lawyer, I guess.

-"Become a lawyer, I guess."

Well, let me tell you something.

-What?

-You got talent.

-Thanks.

-Yeah.

You got talent.

I can tell that.

You got talent.

You believe me?

-Sure.

-You believe me?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

-Yeah.

-But you're also, unfortunately, young, young, and dumb.

-You're probably right.

-So here's what I'm going to do.

I am going to pretend that that meeting never happened.

I am going to give you a second chance.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I don't like to see someone as young and pretty as

you end up as unhappy as I am.

-Thanks.

-And you just got to do one thing for me.

-Follow my dreams?

-Give me a handjob.

-I have to go.

-Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

We could talk about it later if you want.

Hey, listen, let's just keep this between us.

Oy.

-Maude?

Can I walk you home?

-So I squandered my fortune.

-Mhm.

-And I got hit on by my grandma's lawyer.

-Mhm.

-So-- so I'm--

-In effect, you're pretty and you make mistakes.

What's there to worry about.

Hey, come on, now.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Listen.

You're too awesome to ever feel sad.

And you're too beautiful to let people treat you badly,

me included.

If you give me the chance, I'd like

to stick around, make sure you stay happy.

I think I can do that, if you let me.

Let's just have some fun.

-Max.

-Mhm.

-I really do love you.

-Maude.

I can't.

[door opens and closes]

-Are you kidding me?

Don't you have to lock up?

[music - "softly and tenderly"]

And the girl knew her time had come,

walking proudly as she walked into the distant night.

And the trees echoed, "O Lord, who art in Heaven, Lord

be thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

Thy weary dumb."

Um, where is my house?

(YELLING) Where is my house?

-Uh-huh.

-Uh-huh.

-Well, happy birthday.

-Yeah.

Thanks.

-You're welcome.

You don't want to kill yourself.

You can't smoke in here, Maude.

You don't want to kill yourself.

-Sure, I do.

I got nothing left to live for.

I got no money.

I got no prospects.

-Your mother says Granny left you a charming little figurine.

-Oh.

Jesus fucking cunting Christ.

I swear to fucking God, is someone else

mentions the stupid fucking figurine one more fucking time.

Take the fucking figurine.

I don't want to look at the fucking figurine.

You know what?

It's-- it's stupid.

Look at it.

Look at it.

What the fuck is on-- what are they doing?

What does that even-- get it away from me.

Put it behind the lamp.

I hate it.

I hate it.

Put it over there.

Jesus fucking Christ, what is that?

-"People with a genius of sorts tend to dance in between

self-loathing and grandiosity."

-That's very good.

-I didn't write it.

Granny did.

-"I bequeath to you the people stuck in the two-bit waltz

as a reminder."

I still don't understand what that means.

-It means, yeah, you're weird.

Obviously you want to kill yourself.

Obviously you're sad.

Obviously you don't want to sit in a classroom.

You're an artist.

You're a writer.

You don't want to kill yourself.

You're a writer.

-Oh.

THERAPIST: Yep.

-So what now?

-Write another book, a play.

Edit this book.

-OK.

-It also means you cannot ever again complain about anything.

Never, all right?

And no more of this killing yourself bullshit.

It offends fate, and it upsets your mother.

-All right.

-Excellent.

Now, get out of my office.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-Hey, Dad.

You know, I wrote that.

Do you like it or--?

-Shh, shh, shh.

Hey.

ANITA: I think your bed is comfier than mine.

And I missed you.

-I missed you too.

-Your father has been reading your book all morning.

-Huh.

-You're very talented, you know.

I always knew it.

And very determined.

So unlike your father and me.

And-- do you know?-- I think that you're the strangest one

in our family.

-I'm sorry.

-You don't have to be sorry.

-No, I am, though.

-I think I made the very ordinary decision

of being an ungrateful teenager.

-Well, we've all done it, darling.

And I was being a little bit of a C-word, at any rate.

-I was too.

-Yes, you were too.

-And so were you.

-You're so very annoying.

So annoying.

And funny.

And weird and wonderful.

-Thank you for putting up with me.

-You're welcome.

-I mean it, though.

-Well, I kind of believe in you, eh.

And I think that you'll succeed with or without school,

whatever you want to be.

-I think I want to be a writer.

-Christ, what a ghastly prospect.

-You've done it.

-I've done it.

-Well done.

-Thank you.

-You're going to be the best writer.

-I know.

-I know.

Shall I lead the way?

-Please do.

[music playing]

The Description of Two-Bit Waltz