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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Totally Biased With W. Kamau Bell - Show 21

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>> W. KAMAU BELL: Earlier this week, Prince Harry visited New

York City, and made a stop in Harlem.

It's official, Harlem: you've been completely gentrified.

This is Totally Biased.

(audience cheering) >> BELL: Welcome to Totally

Biased.

I'm W. Kamau Bell, how you doing?

(cheering, whooping) Tonight, our guest is my FX

label-mate, Aisha Tyler.

Give it up for Aisha Tyler.

everybody.

(cheering) Yes.

On to the show.

First up, this week the IRS has been accused of, well, being

totally biased.

Take it away, George.

>> GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: ...White House under fire on

several fronts as the president struggles to get traction for

his second term.

The latest headache: revelations that the IRS has

been targeting conservative groups like the Tea Party for

extra scrutiny.

>> BELL: Yes!

That's I'm talking about!

Yes!

That's the black president I ordered, you know what I'm

saying?

That's the black president we wanted, right?

Finally we're getting "Cop Killer" Ice-T instead of Law &

Order Ice-T, you know what I mean?

Go on, Barack, with your bad self.

This is what presidents do.

They use the IRS to stick it to their enemies.

That's what I like.

You know, that's how Herbert Hoover got Capone, Bill Clinton

audited Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers, and I don't

know what Wesley Snipes did to Bush, but it must have been bad,

that's all I'm saying.

(chuckles) It had to be really bad.

(chuckles) I mean, Blade III wasn't great,

but come on.

I don't get why everybody's acting like this is some big,

crazy scandal.

This isn't a scandal, you know what I mean?

Benghazi's not a scandal.

The White House seizing phone records isn't a scandal.

A presidential scandal is when your Chief of Staff, a Supreme

Court justice and the First Lady all work with an energy tycoon

to build machines to rig the election, and the whole

time you're doing the groan vote with Kerry Washington.

That's a scandal!

(chuckles) This is just called being the

president, you know what I mean?

Seriously, isn't this why we all want to be the president in the

first place?

You know, for the personal jet, the tax revenge, getting to meet

real aliens, you know what I'm saying?

Barack is finally using the presidency for what it's

supposed to be used for: petty vindictiveness.

And I know I won't have any problems with my taxes this

year, because this is my return.

That's right.

That's why I go to H&R Black, you know what I mean?

Now, earlier this week, USA Today reported that the

Washington Redskins are facing renewed pressure to change their

name.

Washington Redskins, welcome to the Wrong Side of History!

We're doing graphics this season.

Now, don't get me wrong, Redskins, you've been on the

wrong side of history for a long time, but I only got a TV

show last year, so let's discuss.

Redskins, you have to change your name.

For one thing, bragging about a successful genocide is kind of

tacky.

Even the Germans never had a team called the Stuttgart

Shylocks.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

You keep that on the down low, you get what I'm saying?

You don't make a big deal out of that.

Now, as we all know, Native Americans say the term

"redskin" is a racial slur.

But what do the Redskins have to say?

>> KEN MOLESTINA: In the meantime, there is some good

news for the apparel stores that have all of the Redskins gear.

I spoke to a team spokesman, who says the team's owner, Dan

Snyder, will not change the name, no matter what.

>> BELL: Oh!

That is good news.

The Redskins don't give a shit!

And hold on a second, if anybody should be sympathetic to a name

change, you'd think it'd be a guy named Ken Molestina.

Come on.

You know what I'm saying?

(audience whooping) That's not a name.

That's not a name, that's an accusation.

What does that mean in Spanish, anybody know?

What, is it, like, "little lady botherer," you know?

But what do Redskins fans think about the possibility of a name

change?

>> It's been too embedded for too long, you know, to-to-to try

to try and, like, change it now.

>> I got little kid footballs, I got Redskins blankets, I got a

beanbag Redskins thing, I mean, I like-- everything, yeah.

>> BELL: Oh, so now you want to keep the blankets?

(groaning) Ah, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, it took a second, it took a second.

That's the kind of intelligence I demand from my audience, all

right?

Read some books before you come to Totally Biased.

And, besides, what is that other guy talking about?

"The Redskins' name has been too embedded for too long."

The Redskins were established in 1932.

You know what was around before 1932?

Native Americans.

Yeah.

Doesn't make any sense.

(audience members whooping) Native Americans invented

defense when they tried to keep the white man from stealing

their land.

If only they had a deeper bench.

Damn it!

And just because something's been around for a long time

doesn't mean it's worth holding on to, it just means it's old.

A lot of shitty things are old.

Uh, fruitcake, outhouses, dial-up Internet, Dick Cheney,

that first Hulk movie.

There's a lot of shitty old shit, all right?

And, look, here's my compromise: you can keep the name Redskins,

but you have to change the mascot to a severely sunburned

white dude.

(chuckles) Yes, there we go.

(whooping, cheering) And, you know, while we're at

it, let's change some other team logos, like the Detroit Lions

are now a lion eating a white guy.

The Chicago Bears, a bear eating a white guy.

And the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, a white guy eating a

white guy.

I want that T-shirt.

I got to get that T-shirt.

(cheering and applause) >> BELL: Welcome back to Totally

Biased.

Once again, stories of gun violence have dominated the

news, so now it's time to discuss who's shot and who's not

in our new segment, Trigger Issues.

There goes that graphics budget again.

This past Sunday at a Mother's Day parade in New Orleans, 19

people were wounded in a hail of gunfire.

Afterwards, the FBI released this statement in order to try

to calm the public: "This was strictly an act of street

violence in New Orleans.

There is no indication, at this point, of terrorism."

Whew!

Thank God.

I feel so much better knowing it was good old-fashioned,

American-made violence.

See, I'm from San Francisco.

I prefer my violence locally sourced, you know what I mean?

In more bullet-related news, for the first time ever, you can now

buy a 3-D printer and use it to print your own gun.

This is true.

The gun fires real bullets and can't be traced and won't set

off metal detectors and, for you green gangsters out there, it's

recyclable.

(laughter) Damn, it's good to be a

gangster.

>> APARNA NANCHERLA: Oh, can it, Kamau!

>> BELL: Uh, Aparna Nancherla, everybody.

Aparna Nancherla, give it up for her!

(cheering and applause) What-What's going on here?

>> NANCHERLA: I think we've all heard just about enough of your

liberal whining and dining against guns.

>> BELL: Aparna, what are you talking about?

>> NANCHERLA: This great country of ours was founded on guns.

Literally, we are standing on a pile of guns right now.

>> BELL: No, we aren't.

>> NANCHERLA: I was speaking metaphorically.

>> BELL: You used the word "literally."

>> NANCHERLA: I was using the word "literally" metaphorically.

You know what?

I'm through with this chin music.

(printer whirring) >> BELL: What are you doing?

>> NANCHERLA: What does it look like, Gutenberg?

I'm printing a gun and taking over the show.

>> BELL: Aparna, we don't have a lot of time for this here.

>> NANCHERLA: Uh, wrong!

You don't have a lot of time.

I'm gonna be calling the shots in a second.

Hang on, it's warming up!

>> BELL: Okay, Aparna, that's not even the right type of

printer-- it needs to be 3-D.

(printer clicking)

>> NANCHERLA: Aw, damn it!

Paper jam!

I thought this would happen, so I came strapped!

Ha-ha!

>> BELL: Am I supposed to be afraid of a piece of paper?

>> NANCHERLA: You're pretty mouthy for a guy with a gun

pointed at him.

>> BELL: It's just a picture.

>> NANCHERLA: Uh, no, it's 3-D.

Look, I used perspective: there's a sunset in the

background.

>> BELL: This is... this is ridiculous.

>> KEVIN AVERY: Kamau, Kamau, Kamau.

Kamau, Kam... uh, listen, just do what she says.

She's crazy.

She's had, like, two 5-hour Energy shots.

She's literally got ten hours of energy in her.

>> BELL: Not literally.

>> AVERY: I'm using "literally" metaphorically!

>> NANCHERLA: Shut up, Avery!

Shut up!

I'm sick of the continual systemic oppression of me!

This one's for you, Bell!

>> BELL: Oh, my God.

>> AVERY: No!

(gunshot, Avery grunts)

>> BELL: Oh, my God.

>> AVERY: I've been shot!

(laughter and applause)

>> BELL: Oh, my God.

Kevin, you saved my life.

>> NANCHERLA: (groans) No!

This is what I'm talking about!

Everyone else always gets all the credit!

He couldn't have saved your life if I hadn't tried to shoot you

first.

I'm the real hero here!

This isn't over, Bell.

Come on, Kevin, I'll give you a ride to the hospital.

>> AVERY: Thank you.

>> BELL: Aparna Nancherla and Kevin Avery, everybody!

Give it up for them!

(cheering and applause) We'll be right back... I hope.

(cheering and applause) >> BELL: My guest tonight is the

star of Archer, The Talk, She's about to take over hosting

Whose Line is it Anyway? and she just wrote a book called

Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic

Humiliation, please welcome my FX label-mate, Aisha Tyler,

everybody.

Aisha Tyler.

>> TYLER: I'm gonna hug you.

(speaks indistinctly) Ha, yes.

Hi, guys. Hello. Hey.

Hi.

>> BELL: Hi.

>> TYLER: This is very fancy, Kamau.

I like it.

>> BELL: Uh-oh, you're not gonna take it from me, are you?

I mean, that's the thing: you are... you have three TV shows,

a successful comedy podcast, Girl on Guy... uh, you got a

new book coming out-- who works harder than you?

>> TYLER: Uh... my father, according to him.

"You lazy bastard.

I raised you, so get another..."

I'm literally the Dominican of the entertainment business, yes.

I'm working on 17 jobs.

>> BELL: I know you... And you do stand-up.

I feel like... Are you trying to pay off gambling debts or

something?

>> TYLER: Uh, just the... It's just the coke and whores,

really, that's all.

And they want some coke now.

I used to not have to share, but now they want some, too.

I just... I got you so I could do it off your ass, not so we

could be friends, you know what I mean?

>> BELL: Wow, that was a whole tangent we went down I wasn't

prepared for.

You're the first person to go coke-and-whores so early into an

interview-- I appreciate that.

Speaking of that, I mean, you come from the show Archer.

It's-it's a super edgy show.

Your podcast, you'll say anything, talk about anything.

But you're also on The Talk...

>> TYLER: Yeah.

>> BELL: ...on CBS, which is, like, middle-American moms.

Do you ever get confused between being the Oprah and being

Azealia Banks, you know what I mean?

Like... (chuckles) Seems like you'd have to...

Do you ever get... do the wrong one at the wrong place?

>> TYLER: Now in my head Azealia Banks is like, "You get a car,

you get a car, you get a car, you get a car, uh, uh, uh."

Um, by the way, I totally want to have sex with her.

So, uh... Oprah, obviously.

>> BELL: That's the second tangent we've never had,

somebody admitting they want to have sex with Azealia Banks.

>> TYLER: She's super hot.

Um, no... You know, what's funny is... you... when you do

stand-up, you have to always get up early in the morning and do

radio, so I spent, like, the last 20 years remembering how to

do my act without dropping bombs all the way through.

So you just practice that 'cause, you know, that was,

like, the whole thing: it was, like, it's 6:00 in the morning.

Don't say... don't, you know...

don't say the thing I want to say.

Can I say that word on your show?

Does it get bleeped?

>> BELL: I mean, there's so many words that-that I don't know

which one you want to say.

>> TYLER: Right, well, you know which one I want to say.

>> BELL: I think I know which...

>> TYLER: Pie.

No, I was gonna say...

>> BELL: No!

Aw, turn the show off.

And you got a new book, uh, Self-Inflicted Wounds.

Uh, it's about things that you inflict on yourself, damage you

do to yourself, so you...

Give us an example of what that would be.

>> TYLER: The whole kind of concept of it is that there are

things that go wrong in your life that other people do to

you, and there are things that go wrong in your life that

you've done to yourself, and you want to blame, you know, some...

your parents did it or it's...

my friend made me do it or God hates me or bunny rabbits are

out to get me, but you did it to yourself.

>> BELL: Or slavery.

>> TYLER: Slavery, exactly.

The Man.

But The Man didn't make you do shots and puke on that dude--

that's you, man.

That is you.

So it's everything that... from the time I was five years old

and almost set myself on fire to the time I puked all over a boy

I was trying to have sex with, which is not a good way to

start.

We still... we still had sex-- I mean, look at me-- but, um...

(cheering and applause) >> BELL: I love that that gets

an applause break.

"You go, girl. You go, girl.

You do look good."

>> TYLER: I will say that the whole thrust of the book is

that, I always have people come up to me-- and you've probably

heard this-- they're, like, "I want to do stand-up but I'm

afraid I'm gonna fail," or "I want to write a book" or "I want

to start a business, I'm afraid I'm gonna fail," and what I

always tell them is, listen to me-- you are going to fail.

You're going to fail miserably.

That shouldn't stop you from doing what you want to do.

Fail, learn, get back up, fail, learn, get back up.

And eventually, you know, people who are successful are just the

people who didn't quit.

You got to push through the pain and wipe away the vomit,

keep going.

>> BELL: All right.

(whooping, applause) You're, like, a reverse

motivational speaker.

>> TYLER (laughing): Yeah...

>> BELL: So, the new job you got, uh, is you're hosting the

return of Whose Line Is It Anyway?

One, did you kill Drew Carey?

What happened there?

>> TYLER: He's just in my trunk chillin'.

>> BELL: Oh, yeah? And who's coming back to Whose Line Is It

Anyway?

>> TYLER: Wayne and Colin and Ryan are all back together.

>> BELL: Wayne Brady, ah.

>> TYLER: Wayne Brady, we all love.

Wayne is just...

The dude... the dude is an alien.

>> BELL: Speaking of that, there was that thing Wayne Brady

recently had where he's beefing with Bill Maher.

>> TYLER: Yes.

>> BELL: Yeah, where Bill Maher said Wayne Brady's basically not

black.

>> TYLER: Um, you know, I've dealt with this my entire life,

the idea that there's something that is black and there's

something that's not black, and in so much as there are white

people who want to tell you what's black, the worst arbiters

of this whole, like, set of black rules are black people.

I remember a friend of mine said one... we was at, like, a table

backstage at a TV show and he was eating a bagel, and someone

came up to him and said, "Black people don't eat bagels."

(laughter) I'm, like, "Bitch, are you

telling me black people don't eat bread with holes in it?"

(laughter) What kind of bull is that?

It's so frustrating that you can't just do your thing, you

can't just, like, like hip-hop and like rock music, you

can't, you know, you can't like chicken and also like bagels,

maybe want to have a chicken-y bagel-- I don't know what people

are doing.

But don't tell me what black is.

Don't tell me how to be black.

We have that in common.

>> BELL: I know, I was, like, that whole black/not black

enough, it's like you're preaching to the converted.

>> TYLER: Yeah. Yeah.

>> BELL: Yes, I've heard that before.

>> TYLER: Here's another one I like-- and I got this when I was

a little kid.

I would get, "Well, you're not black, you're great."

>> BELL: Aah!

(audience groaning) (Tyler laughing)

>> TYLER: Thank you...?

>> BELL: Yeah. I had a white friend say to me one time,

"Kamau, I like you-- you're black, but you're not black

black."

(laughter) Or does that feel like, "Kamau,

I like you-- you're black, but I still have my wallet, and I

appreciate that.

(laughter) I've always had my wallet when

I've been around you."

Thank you for coming today.

>> TYLER: I love you, Kamau.

>> BELL: Aisha Tyler, everybody.

Aisha Tyler.

(cheering, whooping, applause) (cheering, whooping, applause)

>> BELL: Welcome back.

Now...

now, since its release last month, the Jackie Robinson bio

pic 42 has gotten strong reviews and is closing in on a hundred

million dollars at the box office.

(applause, whooping) Yes, exactly. Yeah!

Now, everyone knows that Jackie Robinson was the first black man

to play in the major leagues, but most people don't know who

the second black man was.

Here to set fools straight is the second black man to ever

play in the major leagues, Larry Doby, everybody! Larry Doby!

(whooping, cheering) >> Yeah.

Yeah. Movie been out about a month, and you just now invite

me on the show.

Thanks a lot.

(laughter) Do you know what it's like to be

the second black man to ever play in the major leagues?

Well, it's just as bad as being the first black man to play in

the major leagues, except you don't get a movie!

(laughter) Or a book deal!

Or directions to the stadium.

Some people say, "Well, Larry, Jackie Robinson was a

groundbreaker, when in 1947...

it was much harder in 1947.

The league was worse in 1947."

Yeah, you know when I came into the major leagues?

1947!

(laughter) Yeah, they retired Jackie

Robinson's number.

Now, no one in baseball can ever wear the number 42 on their

jersey ever again.

Yeah, and I didn't even have a jersey.

My first three years in the league, they just painted the

number on my chest!

(laughter, applause) Most people don't even know what

the hell I look like!

Look, they just got me in the sketch, and this fool playing me

doesn't look nothin' like me!

But it doesn't matter, because I'm Larry Doby!

Now, I may have been the second black man in the major leagues,

but I was the first black man in the American League.

Now, for thousands of fans, I was the only black player that

they could see, and they couldn't wait to threaten to

kill me!

And the hate mail was even worse.

Check this out.

"We've already got one nigger in baseball, we don't need two."

And this letter was from Jackie Robinson!

(laughter, applause) When you're the second black man

to play in the big leagues, you get all of the grief and none of

the glory.

You know, whenever people talk about being the first black

person to do anything, they always say it's the first... the

Jackie Robinson of their field, you know?

Dr. Mae Jemison is the Jackie Robinson of astronauts.

Ralph Bunch is the Jackie Robinson of Nobel Prize winners.

Barack Obama, of course, is the Jackie Robinson of presidents.

>> BELL: Okay, okay, you know what, Mr. Doby, you've gone far

enough.

That-that's plenty, all right?

>> Oh, okay, now, here comes Mr. W. Kamau Bell.

I suppose you think you're the Jackie Robinson of late-night FX

talk shows, huh?

>> BELL: Yes, I do.

>> Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

(whooping, laughter, applause) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I got a little bomb to drop on you, brother.

>> BELL: What?

>> The first black host of late-night FX talk shows was one

Mr. Orlando Jones.

>> BELL: What?!

>> Yeah!

>> BELL: Oh, my God.

>> That's right. Yeah.

So I guess that makes you the Larry Doby of late-night FX talk

shows!

(laughter, applause) Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Get your ass out of here!

Look, all my career, you know, all my life I had to hear,

"You're no Jackie Robinson, you're no Jackie Robinson."

That's why I was so glad when they finally wrote-- somebody

wrote a book about me, and it's called...

You're No Jackie Robinson: The Larry Dooby Story?!

It's Larry Doby!

My name is Doby!

Goddamn it!

>> BELL: Larry Dooby, everybody, Larry Dooby.

(whooping, applause) Larry Dooby.

That's our show.

Catch us on the Totally Biased Stand-Up coming this July.

Details at totallybiased.com.

Get well soon, Stephanie.

See you next week!

Stay totally biased...!

(whooping, cheering)

>> WOMAN: Aw...

♪ ♪ >> BELL: Wave to the people.

Want to say your ABC's or anything?

Okay, say 'em.

It's so funny-- she's the most gregari...

You want to go back to Mama?

Okay.

(man whoops) (applause)

(laughter) ♪ ♪

Thank you, everybody!

We'll see you next time!

The Description of Totally Biased With W. Kamau Bell - Show 21