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male announcer: From Comedy Central's

World News Headquarters in New York...

"The Daily Show with Trevor Noah" presents:

[boisterous trap music]

♪ ♪

"Crazy Rich Nation."

♪ ♪

- Robert Kraft.

Last month, the billionaire New England Patriots owner

was charged with paying for hand jobs

at a Florida massage parlor.

Well today, he might've gotten his happy ending.

- Just in, an offer is now on the table

for New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft,

who is charged with two counts of solicitation

in connection with a South Florida day spa.

Prosecutors have offered to drop those charges

if Kraft admits he would've been found guilty at trial.

- This would also include some punishment.

It would include 100 hours of community service,

an education course about prostitution,

and a screening for STDs.


- A screening for STDs?

Like, what is all of this?

Rich people get deals that I've never heard of.

"Admit you would have been found guilty

and we'll let you go"?

[bleep] outta here, man! [laughter]

At least make him admit it in a room full of Eagles fans,

then we'll see some punishment, you know?

This is insane!

"We'll only let you go if you're guilty!"


Like, rich people are already living in another world.

And also, he has to take an education course

about prostitution? [laughter]

Uh, if you've read the reports,

he should be the professor, okay?


The guy has hands-on experience,

if you know what I mean.

♪ ♪

The college admissions scandal.

For the past few weeks,

the whole country has been rocked

by the news that hundreds of parents

have been accused of bribing their kids' way

into America's elite colleges,

and also USC.

And now-- [audience groans and laughs]

And now, some of the people involved

are beginning to face the consequences.

- Breaking news: A major college scandal.

The feds bust up a large-scale scheme

helping students cheat on their college entrance exams

to get into top schools.

- Two of those parents accused

are actresses Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin.

Both have been charged with felonies

for conspiracy to commit mail fraud.

- Holy crap. This is insane!

The FBI has just busted dozens of rich parents

for bribing colleges to accept their kids.

And not just any rich people, some celebrities.

I'm so disappointed in you, Aunt Becky.


I mean, I expected this from a desperate housewife,

but you? [laughter]

Now, details of the scandal are still coming in, but already,

some of the allegations are mind-blowing, all right?

Felicity Huffman allegedly paid $15,000

to help her daughter get in to top schools.

And Aunt Becky, get this,

allegedly paid $500,000 to get her daughter into USC.

Honestly, for that amount of money, just buy a smarter kid.


Now, the alleged mastermind of this entire scheme

is a man named William Singer, all right?

Parents paid him millions of dollars

and then he spread those bribes around.

- According to prosecutors,

the scheme involved two kinds of fraud.

Parents paying a college prep organization

to help their children cheat on SAT or ACT exams,

and others paying to allegedly bribe college coaches

to help admit the students as athletes

regardless of their athletic skill.

- Singer went as far as to

Photoshop kids' pictures into sporting events,

even made up athletic achievements.

- In one instance, a parent sending this photo

showing their daughter playing water polo in high school,

but in fact the photo was another student.

- Oo-wee!

The balls on these people! [laughter]

To just literally Photoshop their kids' faces

onto the bodies of real athletes.

And I also can't believe nobody noticed this.

'Cause the parent was just there, like,

"We're so proud of our little Joshua.

"He is, like, here is during the state championship game"...


"And here he is in the spring

when he won the gold medal at the track meet."


So, reportedly--reportedly,

these college coaches would take bribes

to pretend that they needed these "non-athletes"

on their teams,

and then once the kids got into the school,

the kids would just never play.

- A wiretapped transcript

details a father and Singer creating a plan

to trick USC into thinking his son was a football kicker.

The father, laughing, telling Singer,

"That's just totally hilarious,"

admitting his son's high school

"doesn't have a football team."

- The FBI says some parents

disguised their payments to Singer

as contributions to a charity he ran

so they could deduct the payments

on their income taxes.

- Wow. Wow. [audience groans]

So not only were they laughing about scamming these schools;

it turns out they were also scamming the IRS.

How greedy can a person be?

'Cause, I mean, they're already committing bribery,

and then on top of that, they claim it was to charity

to get their bribes back from the IRS?

Like, they just added a bonus crime

to the crime that they already committed.

That was not necessary.

It's like you're robbing a bank and on the way out,

you start stealing the pens. "While I'm here..."

[laughter] Meh!

So these parents could be facing

some pretty serious time.

Um, knowing them, they're probably trying

to bribe their way into the best prisons, you know?

They're probably like,

"Why should you accept me into your prison?

"Well, I actually ran the library at Shawshank.

Here's a photo of me"... [laughter]

doing that, so, uh"... [applause]

I think you should let me in."


Obviously, obviously, I'm joking.

None of these rich people are actually gonna go to prison.

Come on. No, I'm being serious.

At worst, they're probably gonna get community service.

Yeah, like, they'll have to pick up trash

in Beverly Hills, and be like,

"Oh, another $100 bill on the ground.

Ba-ha. So dirty."

This whole college admissions scandal

has brought up a wider conversation

about a couple of things.

For instance, what's going to happen

to "Fuller House" without Aunt Becky, you know?

Personally, I don't think they need her,

because if you ask me,

that house was already too full.

- E! News is also reporting

that she thought prosecutors were bluffing about jail time

when she and her husband turned down the initial offer.

- You can't be serious. [laughter]

Aunt Becky turned down a plea deal

because she thought the prosecutors were bluffing?

You see, that's what happens

when you're in Hollywood for too long, all right?

You just assume everyone around you is also acting, yeah?

She's just like, "Wow, these prison bars feel so real!

"Now for this beatdown scene, are we using a stunt double?

Is that's what's gonna happen?"

- A first of 33 parents

charged in the massive college admission scandal

is preparing to plead guilty.

California entrepreneur Peter Jan Sartorio

made the revelation in a court filing yesterday.

That came as actresses Felicity Huffman

and Lori Loughlin, along with ten other parents,

appeared before a judge in Boston yesterday.

- When she arrived in Boston Tuesday,

the "Full House" star was seen signing autographs for fans.

- Lori, Lori, Lori! Pay for my tuition, Lori!



- Oh, wow. That's priceless!

And, you know, we're laughing,

but that's actually a great idea, right?

No, because, let's be honest.

Prisons are already full.

Instead of prison, their punishment should be

that they have to pay tuition for everyone.

That's it.

They've got the money. [cheers and applause]

Let's just do that.

And also...

why is Aunt Becky signing autographs at court?

What are you doing?

If I was the prosecutor I would be like,

"Oh my God, Aunt Becky, can you sign this?

A-ha, a confession! I got her, I got her!"

male announcer: "Crazy Rich Nation."

[upbeat music]

male announcer: "Crazy Rich Nation."

[crowd ohhs] - [laughs]

[laughter and applause]

Oh, man.

Jussie Smollett.

A month ago, few people knew who he was.

If you heard "Jussie Smollett,"

you were either talking to a huge fan

of the show "Empire,"

or you overheard a drunk guy trying to order an omelette.

"What will you be having, sir?"

"Just a Smollette with extra ham."


But now, the whole world knows Jussie's name,

and it's for all the wrong reasons.

- "Empire" actor Jussie Smollett is in police custody

after turning himself in overnight.

He is accused of faking a hate crime

after his story of being attacked by racists

fell to pieces.

- Smollett has been charged with disorderly conduct

for filing a false police report,

which is a felony in the state of Illinois.

- Police say Smollett planned this attack

because he was allegedly upset by how much

he was being paid by the show "Empire."

- Are you kidding me?

This dude may have faked a hate crime

just to get a raise?

I don't understand. Like, what's the logic there?

You get your ass beat,

and then you go to your boss and be like,

"Hey can I get another million dollars?

I need to buy some BAND-AIDs." What was the thinking?

That is not a good way to get a raise, people.

I mean, call me old fashioned, but whatever happened

to just going into your boss's office,

and blackmailing him with nudes?

Okay? [laughter]

This is such a petty reason to pull off such a major crime.

Imagine if we found out the reason

Tupac faked his own death was just to get out

of a Blockbuster late fee.

That would be insane!

We know that didn't happen. What really happened

was Tupac was murdered by Blockbuster

because he didn't return "Forrest Gump."

Those guys didn't mess around!

So Chicago police have put together a story

of what they believe really happened.

And they're confident enough to charge Smollett.

And the reason they're confident enough to charge him

is because it looks like Jussie

and the brothers who reportedly fake the attack with him

left no shortage of incriminating evidence.

- Police say they tracked these two brothers down

via the ride share car service that they used.

- We know that the police have

the cell phones of the young men.

- There were conversations between Smollett

and these two Nigerian Americans

an hour before the attack,

an hour after the attack,

and when they traveled to Nigeria.

- Police say Smollett paid the brothers a total of $3,500

via check and then promised a $500 follow-up.

- They're saying he paid his accomplices with a check?


What, did he also write "Fake Hate Crime" in the memo?


Even amateurs know if you commit a crime,

you go all cash, people, no paper trail!

You've never seen a movie where the bad guys are like,

"I need you to get rid of someone for me.

"Now, who do I make this check out to?

"Is that 'Knuckles' with a 'K'?

"Ah, crap, I gotta start again,

I keep writing 2018 on all my murder checks."

[groans angrily]

So if he did do this,

Smollett did a horrible job with this fake crime.

In fact, the Chicago police also claimed today that

Smollett wanted his hate crime to be caught on camera.

But it turns out, that didn't go right either.

- Police say they went over security video

from dozens of pod cameras, but the staged attack itself

was never captured by a rotating security camera.

- I believe that Mr. Smollett

wanted it on camera, but unfortunately,

that particular camera wasn't pointed in that direction.


You've gotta be shitting me.

He wanted to be caught,

but he didn't get caught on camera

because he didn't know which way the camera was pointing?

You're an actor. That's your only job!

Your only job! [cheers and applause]

How do you not know?

Now I'm starting to think that

Jussie was probably on the set of "Empire" like,

"What do you mean my father doesn't--

"Oh, sorry. Sorry. Where is it?

"What do you mean?

"Don't you tell me about Cookie!

"I think we got this. Can I get a raise?

Can I get a raise now?"

So Jussie is potentially going to prison for a while,

and in his wake, he's screwed over everyone.

Think about it.

Members of the gay community are emotionally terrorized

over something that turned out to be a hoax.

Trump supporters are upset about being falsely accused.

And Democrat candidates--

Democratic candidates are tying themselves into knots

trying to walk back their initial statements

calling this a modern day lynching.

Nobody won in this thing.

I mean, the only winner here, really, is Subway.

No, because before this story,

I didn't know they were open at 2:00 a.m.

Did you guys know that? I didn't know that.

I genuinely didn't know that. [cheers and applause]

The point is nobody won.

But there is a silver lining.

When this started out, it was a story about people

who hated Jussie Smollett because he was black and gay.

Now, people hate him because he's an asshole.


In other words, they're judging him

on the content of his character,

and not the color of his skin.

And that, my friends, is progress.

We'll be right back.

announcer: "Crazy Rich Nation."

[upbeat music]

male announcer: "Crazy Rich Nation."

[boisterous trap music]

♪ ♪

- Socialism.

It's starting to get more popular in America,

and it's making Fox News more afraid

than Mike Pence at a screening of "Bohemian Rhapsody."

- The rise of socialism has never been more clear.

- Now you have AOC and you have

a hundred of these members of Congress openly embracing this.

- Socialism is not only dangerous,

but it is also evil.

- This Green New Deal, this is sugarcoated socialism.

It's like sugarcoating poison.

Sweet at the front, deadly at the end.

- Ooh, sweet at the front, deadly at the end!

You talking about socialism

or Willy Wonka's chocolate factory?

What are you talking about? [laughter]

Yeah, uh, that was deadly at the end.

You know how many kids died? We don't talk about that.

That is not a children's story,

it's a horror movie with fun music!


For more on the rise of socialism in America,

we turn to a man who always makes me pay for dinner,

my friend, Neal Brennan, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

- Hey buddy, we should grab dinner soon.

- No thanks.

So Neal, um, who's responsible

for socialism's popularity right now?

Is it Bernie Sanders?

Uh, is it Elizabeth Warren, Ocasio-Cortez?

- Mmm, no.

I'll tell you who's responsible.

Rich people.

Rich people have done more for socialism

than Bernie, AOC, and Elizabeth Warren combined.

Which, by the way, would be a very unpleasant-looking person.


- [screams] Take that away, take that away!

Uh, okay, but Neal, I don't understand.

How can rich people be responsible for socialism

if they hate it?

- Because they keep rubbing their money in people's faces,

with their tax dodging and wealth flaunting

and financial corruption.

When it comes to socialism, I don't blame Uncle Bernie,

I blame Aunt Becky.


It wasn't enough that she's a TV star

and married to a millionaire,

she still had to scam her daughter's way into college.

You had everything, why cheat?

It's like if the Hulk got caught doing steroids.


For what? Hulk, no.


Steroids redundant.

Also, Hulk balls shrink. [laughter]

Mrs. Hulk no happy. [laughter]

So when people see that admissions scandal,

and then Bernie comes along and says,

"We should tax the rich and make college free,"

I get why Americans would think,

"Yeah, college should be free."

I agree with white Yoda. [laughter]

- So you think socialism is just a natural reaction

to capitalism that's run amok.

It's basically, like,

putting up speed bumps because people are driving too fast.

- Yup.

Because rich people are out here

Tokyo driftin' with their dicks out.


Look at Amazon--

they wanted a new home for their corporate headquarters,

so Jeff Bezos made cities audition for him

like a spoiled king.

"Pittsburgh, entertain me."


"Birmingham, my feet are sore. Rub them."


"Cute, but I'm going with New York."

And Amazon picked New York partly because

New York offered them $3 billion.

So if more New Yorkers are going socialist,

don't blame AOC, blame Jeff Bezos.

He's worth $144 billion.

You know how rich that is?

Even if you started earning $50 million a year,

guess how long it would take

for you to reach Jeff Bezos' level.

2,880 years.

Now imagine being that rich and still being like,

"Yah, I'll come to your city,

but you've gotta give me money."


- Sweet lord, that is super rich.

- I know.

To get that money, LeBron would have to stay on the Lakers

until the year 4899. [laughter]

And they probably still won't make the playoffs.

[audience laughs and groans]

The Knicks won't either. [laughter]

By the way,

having super rich people in charge doesn't help, either.

Last week, our billionaire president

proposed cuts to Medicaid,

the program that gives health insurance to the poor.

This is a guy who can afford the best doctors in the world

and he still wants to take health care away

from poor people.

My God, the assholery. [laughter]

It's not enough

you're already in the VIP section sipping Cristal,

you also want to walk around the club

slapping Bud Lights out of other people's hands.


And yes, Bud Light is the Medicaid of beers.


Dilly dilly. [laughter]

So when people see budget cuts like that,

then hear Elizabeth Warren pitching Medicare for all,

you can't be shocked when 57% of them are like,

"Yeah, I'm with Senator Librarian on this."

[cheers and applause]

Because the best salesmen for socialism

aren't the leftie politicians, it's the ultra-wealthy.

Forget Che Guevara,

we should put the real heroes of socialism on t-shirts:

Rich dicks.

- Neal Brennan, everyone!

male announcer: "Crazy Rich Nation."

[upbeat music]

male announcer: "Crazy Rich Nation."

[boisterous trap music]

♪ ♪

- There's a new report tonight

that President Trump may have lied his way

onto "Forbes" magazine annual list of richest Americans

back in the 1980s.

Trump first made the list in 1982

with a reported net worth of $100 million,

but the documents later proved he was only worth $5 million.

He lied about

how many apartments the Trump Organization owned,

how much the units were worth,

and that Trump, not his father,

owned the apartments.

- That's right, all the way back in 1982,

Trump apparently got onto the first "Forbes" list

by lying about his net worth

and claiming that the stuff that his dad owned

was actually his.

But it turns out that Trump's lie

may have gotten him a whole lot more

than just some flattering press.

- Because Donald never had an actual statement

of his assets and his liabilities.

He used the Forbes 400

and this statement of inflated assets

to borrow billions and billions of dollars

which he used to build Atlantic City

and over-leverage himself.

- You're saying he wanted to use the "Forbes" list

to fraudulently induce people to fund him

in ways they otherwise would not?

- That's correct.

- Okay, I don't know about you, but this is mind-blowing.

Trump lied to get onto the "Forbes" list.

Then the "Forbes" list cemented him as a mogul,

and then he used his mogul status

to get to the White House.

Because remember,

his success story wasn't just a minor detail of who he was,

it was the very heart of his campaign.

- "Forbes" just came out

and they said I'm worth $4 1/2 or $5 billion.

I'm really rich.

I'm not even saying that, in a brag--

that's the kind of mindset, that's the kind of thinking

you need for

So look, I'm-- I'm really a good businessman,

I'm so good at business.

Oh, you people are gonna be so rich so fast,

you don't even...


You don't know how rich you're gonna be.


You're gonna go from a debtor nation

and it's gonna... [imitates rocket]

You're gonna say, "Wow, what happened?"

- You know, in retrospect,

I feel like we should've asked what [imitates rocket] means.


'Cause, like, "Huh, turns out [imitates rocket]

Was a Muslim ban, who would've thought?"

"Yeah, I didn't know, I didn't know."

If I was a Trump supporter, I would be so pissed,

because I voted for a rich guy who was always successful,

not some trickster who lied his way onto the "Forbes" list.

Like, if I find out he's not racist, I will be so mad!


So mad!

male announcer: "Crazy Rich Nation."

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