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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: New Rule: That's Not News | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

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And finally, new rule: since so much of what passes

for today's journalism is anything but,

how about some rules for identifying actual news?

For example, when an internet headline reads:

"You won't believe..."

Yes, you will, and no, it's not news.


When anyone is demanding an apology,

unless they have hostages, that's not news.

And when the offended group are identified as

"the internet", "Twitter", or "people"?

-It's nobody! -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

I guarantee, when you click on the story you find out

"the internet" is three losers with a combined

Twitter following of their mom.


I used to think something was news

if a journalist reported it.

But really, I live in a world where it's news

if Mariah Carey's tit flops out, because Twitter will respond

and then a "journalist" reports on the controversy.

If a boob flops in the forest, and no one is around to hear it,

it doesn't make a sound.


But if three jackasses tweet about it, it's news.

Here's an example from this week.

This is a picture from the premiere of Red Sparrow,

which looks pretty good, by the way.

Jennifer Lawrence plays a beautiful woman who uses

sex as a weapon on orders from Moscow.

It's working title was I, Ivanka.


You were way ahead of me on that one. (CHUCKLES)

Anyway, here's the headline from Elle Online and 100 other sites.

"Jennifer Lawrence's Latest 'Red Sparrow' Photocall

Has Twitter Calling Out Gender Inequality"

Yes, see, see, 'cause the men are wearing coats but she's not.

And even though that was her choice,

someone with 11 followers didn't like it, so the "story"

was reported in The New York Times,

The Washington Post, New York Post, Fox News, BBC,

Vanity Fair, Chicago Tribune, The Guardian, National Review.

Now, all these esteemed news organizations aren't saying

they think it's a big deal,

because they are serious journalists.

They'd rather be writing about Syria and the oceans dying.

But, oh, the humanity.

Jennifer Lawrence didn't have a coat.

Wrap her up! Wrap her up!


You know,

this is not an outlier. This is a constant and prominent

part of today's journalism.

Creating some bullshit non-issue that a few trolls

will predictably go apeshit over

and then reporting on those unrepresentative tweets,

like all of America is talking about nothing else.

"Justin Timberlake used a projection of Prince

for his Super Bowl halftime show and people are furious."

-No. Nobody cared. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

People are really mad that Shaun White dragged

the American flag after he won the gold.

No. Not even a little, you fucking liars.


"Weight Watchers is targeting teens and Twitter is outraged."

No, it isn't! It's the same three people, and it's not hard

to find three people who are mad at anything.

I could say, "Good morning"

on Twitter and three people would object.

"Good in your privileged world, Bill Maher!"


No wonder fake news resonates so much with Trump fans.

'Cause so much of it is fake!

Just nonsense made to keep you perpetually offended

with an endless stream of controversies

that aren't controversial,

and outrages that aren't outrageous.

Because places like The Huffington Post,

and Buzzfeed, and Salon,

they make their money by how many clicks they get.

Yes, the people who see themselves as morally superior

are actually ignoring their sacred job

of informing citizens of what's important,

and instead, sowing division for their own selfish ends.

Hey, wait. Isn't that what Russia was doing to us?

Yeah, it is.

And we have to stop both of them

from using us as the cocks in their cockfights.

And so I conclude by saying to all those

who are barely able to go on

after seeing Kendall Jenner tweet the wrong color emoji...


...a bit of advice

if you don't like what Kendall did with a brown fist

in her tweet?

Do not watch her sister's sex tape.

The Description of New Rule: That's Not News | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)