- I actually write jokes backwards.
I will write a punchline with no particular set-up in mind.
I just put it on a scrap of paper,
and I'll throw that scrap of paper in my fishbowl.
I have a fishbowl in my house filled with random punchlines,
and every once in a while I'll shake the bowl,
and I'll dig in there and just pull one out
and see if I can make that shit work.
And I picked one for this special.
It's not an easy punchline to pull off.
Are you ready?
- [Audience] Yeah!
- Here it goes, the punchline is
"So I kicked her in the pussy."
I haven't finished the joke yet.
I just know whatever happens in the beginning of the joke,
at the end of the joke, for some reason,
I'm gonna kick somebody in the pussy.
And it's going to be hilarious.
When I was growing up, I was probably about 8 years old,
and at the time we were living in Silver Spring.
My parents did just well enough
so that I could grow up poor around white people.
And to be honest, when Nas and them
talk about the projects, nigga, I used to get jealous.
Because it sounded fun, everybody in the projects was poor.
And that's fair, but if you were poor in Silver Spring,
nigga, it felt like it was only happening to you.
Nas does not know the pain
of that first sleepover at a white friend's house.
You come home on Sunday and just look at your parents like.
Y'all need to step your game up.
Everything at Timmy's house works.
Timmy was one of my first white
friends like in my life, man.
And one day I was at his house,
we were just hanging out, and Timmy says
"Dave, why don't you stay for dinner tonight?"
I said, "Oh, man, I'd love to but I can't.
"If I'm not home before dark, my mother will kill me."
That was a lie.
My mother had several jobs, I hadn't seen her
in like three or four days.
And the only reason I lied to Timmy,
was because at the point in my life,
it was my experience that white dinner wasn't delicious.
I'd rather go home and fry some
balogna or some shit like that.
But then old Timmy threw me a curve ball I wasn't expecting.
He said, "Well it's too bad you can't stay Dave, cause Mom
"made Stove Top stuffing."
I said, "What the fuck, Stove Top?
Well hold on nigga, let me make
some phone calls real quick."
I had seen that commercial so many times
I had dreamt of getting my hands
on some of that Stove Top stuffing.
And finally I met a motherfucker that actually had
a box of Stove Top in the house,
I couldn't miss this opportunity,
so I pretended to call my mother.
And then I came back and I said "Timmy, Timmy,
"you're not gonna believe this, great news.
Mom said I can stay."
And he said, "Fantastic!"
He said, "Why don't you come with me,
"and we'll help set the table and we can say the blessing."
I had no interest in setting this motherfucker's table,
or saying these crazy ass Mormon prayers.
I just wanted that goddamn stuffing!
So I told Timmy, I said, "You know what, I'd love to help,
"but let me go wash my hands first."
My plan was simple, wash my hands slowly,
and by the time I'm done, the table will be set,
the blessing will be said, and all that
there will be left to do is eat.
Went to the bathroom, I washed my hands very slowly.
I must've been in there for about 10 minutes.
And suddenly, one of his mothers came to the door.
She was like, "Hi, David, right?"
I said, "Yes, ma'am."
She said, "Timmy tells me that you're
"planning on staying for dinner."
I said, "I hope that's not a problem, ma'am."
She says, "No, it's no problem, in fact we'd love
"to have you, it's just that we weren't expecting company,
"and I'm afraid there's not enough
Stove Top stuffing for everybody."
So I kicked her in the pussy.
Ladies and gentleman.
(upbeat lounge music)