Ah. Lord, give me strength. Hello, Humans! So in case you have literally - not figuratively,
but literally - been living underneath a rock for the past week or so, or underneath a large
pile of rocks. Or underneath a large pile of rocks, or if you are yourself a rock. You
will know that Beyonce dropped an album from the heavens, yet again. And it landed with
an almighty crash on social media. She f*cking love doing that. It's her favourite game to
play. Drop a creative masterpiece out of nowhere and then watch her little minions lose our
god damn minds. And watch the millions of dollars roll in. And watch millions of people
sign up to her supposedly cheating husband's streaming service. This shit was kind of a
win-win situation. A win-win-win, win-win-win, win... win-win-win... win situation. So what
has actually happened here? Jay-Z cheated on Beyonce? Is that what happened? I'm gonna
confess a sin, Father. I haven't watched all of Lemonade. Do I hear sirens in the distance?
I started watching it last night and got about 12 minutes in, because I decided I wanted
to watch 'Veep' before I went to bed. I will watch the rest of it. Fear not, Beehive. Bayhive.
Buh-hive. Please don't sting me. To be honest, once I'd seen her strutting down the street
in her giant yellow dress with her... beehives hanging out, smashing up shit with a baseball
bat and crushing cars with a monster truck, I felt that my thirst had been quenched. My
thirst for Lemonade. Sorry, it was right there. Beyonce is an endlessly fascinating entity.
There are an awful lot of artists who've been around as long as she has who have kind of,
like, faded into obscurity. Away from the spotlight and back to reality. But not Beyonce.
Mm mm. Her abilities have only grown stronger in the last decade. Or decades. Or centuries.
Who f*cking knows how old that woman is. She may not be mortal. One of the things that
actually made me genuinely interested in this album was the fact that some of the songs
are being played on Triple J, which is an aussie radio station that's kind of renowned
for playing - [sigh] - I don't wanna say "indie" artists, because I hate that word. But not
necessarily "mainstream" or "commercial" music. And some people are losing their shit over
it. Presumably because Beyonce is a pop artist, and is therefore musical scum to everyone
who considers themselves to be musically hip. [laughs] Not me. She's not even the first
pop artist that Triple J has actually played. They play The Weeknd on a regular basis. Aluna
George, Drake, Kanye West... Not that those last two are "pop" artists necessarily, but
they're still, like, mainstream. And this album is not even pop music, by any stretch
of the imagination. There's rock, there's hip hop, there's country! Jesus Christ, how
did she do that? F*cking country music. Literally only Beyonce could put out a country song
and have it be genuinely enjoyed by millenialls everywhere. I still don't fully know what
a millennial is, but I think I'm one. Beyonce could have recorded and released a 12 minute
opera performance on this album and released it as a single. And it would probably go number
one. This woman terrifies me. And before any of you little shits say anything - sorry,
I don't know why I'm swearing so much - before any of you little feces-esesss says anything,
yes I know, Lemonade was released like a week ago which is years in internet time. Hundreds
of years. Thousands. Millions. This album may as well have been the comet that killed
the dinosaurs. And really it had kind of a similar effect to that. On us. Today. Every
time Beyonce releases an album, all human life is destroyed. So I guess this album is
like, what, old news now? Everyone on social media seems to have the attention span of
a shoe. And I, on the other hand, have the timeliness of Internet Explorer. And combined...
it's not a great combination. Anyway, there's my thoughts on Lemonade, kind of. And I have
a question for you. Did any of you sign up for Tidal just to watch this? Let me know
if you did. Because I did. Her evil plan worked. Also tell me what you thought of Lemonade.
Why not? Anyway, I need to go to work, uh, in half an hour. Cool. Just enough time for
me to have a little nap. It's 10 a.m. It's been a long day. When life gives you lemons...
make an album. Ow, my leg. Bye!