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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Dulcé Sloan - Comedy Up Late 2018 (S6, E5)

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How are you doing Melbourne? That's great, listen.

I'm glad to see all these beautiful white men here, I'm in my leopard print

Just to let you know that I'm on the prowl. Thank you.

Or I'm a creep, whichever comes first.

I do love leopard print, I don't know why. It has caused some problems for me.

I had a woman come up to me and go 'Oh my god I love your shirt, it's so cute'

'I just love your leopard print' I was like 'Thank you, thank you, thank you'

'Of course, these t*tties, you're welcome'

She's like, 'Yeah um...'

'So like, do you wear leopard print to remind you of where you come from?'

B*tch I'm from Georgia.

She's like 'No no no no no, where your family is from'

Florida?

My family is from Florida.

She's like 'No, where your ancestors are from'.

Africa?

You think I wear leopard print to remind me of Africa?

Mmm-mmm.

That's why I f*ck white dudes.

Because every white man's broken heart is my reparations.

Hi boys.

I do have a tendency to f*ck a lot of white dudes, 'cause, you know, the cops keep killing black men and...

Why are you groaning? You've seen the news

But the hard part about trying to pull the white dude is that they're real jittery, like deer and rabbits and squirrels

You've met them, they're all shaking right now. So...

No, I've gotta come up on them real slow

Gotta be down wind, don't want to spook 'em

Hey!

Brian!

Scott... Mark!

Hey buddy, hey champ, hey bro.

You ah, you wanna practice making an Obama? Hmm?

Like, I don't know what to do.

I don't know if I need some type of Wile.E.Coyote white man trap

Like take a box in disguise at like, a microbrewery

You know, like drop in a couple bottles of IPA, hide behind a bush and hope for the best

I've had to stop f*cking poor dudes

Because of success

But the problem is, they always have the best d*ck

There's been some victims of poor dude in the room, I hear you!

Because the thing is, they have to f*ck you to sleep

So they have a place to sleep

Yeah, they caught a couple of y'all. The jig should have been up when he walked in your house with two backpacks

What person with a place to live has two backpacks?

And they never have a condom either

Because you're successful they try to trap you with a baby

And then you end up with two roommates you didn't want

If you haven't noticed, I'm a black lady

You're welcome.

And I have dealt with so many issues with being a black lady, more issues than I have ever had with being a woman

And I have to explain this to my white woman friends because like, 'We're all women!'

I'm like, 'Shut up!'

Because,

Listen, I'm a black woman, I'm black first. It's literally my description of a human

And there's just so much oppression to deal with

In everyday life

So what I like to do, is I like to break my oppression down

I'm black Monday, Wednesday, Fridays

I'm a woman Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday

I'm fat on Sunday, even God rested

I do like to be supportive of white women 'cause they keep making me

And...

Doing stand up is just so many white women talking to me about feminism

Like it's all hard, we're all women we're all men. I'm like, 'Listen.'

I understood the civil rights movement, I got it.

We couldn't vote, we couldn't go to school

couldn't pee, we couldn't sit on the front of a f*cking bus.

Like there was too many things that we could not do, and we just wanted to pee and drink water. That's it.

So I'm really trying to figure out, I'm like 'OK girl, what's the main issues with feminism?'

She's like, 'Well...' I'm like, 'I don't need a blog post'

'What's the real problem?' and she's like 'Oh my god it's like equal pay for equal work'

'Equal pay, for equal work.' I'm like, 'OK cool cool cool cool cool cool cool.'

I don't want to work.

I want to be a trophy wife.

I want to kick people off my yacht because they brought me the wrong wine.

'I said Riesling! Ocean!'

And then I gotta hire somebody to fish them out the water, now I'm creating jobs.

Alright y'all, bye!

The Description of Dulcé Sloan - Comedy Up Late 2018 (S6, E5)