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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: 72 Short and Funny English Dialogs

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do you really love me of course prove it

how can I prove it take me to dinner

that's it that's all I have to do take

me to a nice restaurant not to

McDonald's but a nice restaurant costs

money yes and you have to make a

reservation that's such a hassle I knew

you didn't love me

okay okay I'll make a reservation right

now

mom I want a puppy let me think about it

why you have to think about it because a

puppy costs money no it doesn't puppies

are free yes but a puppy needs shots

shots for what so it won't get sick just

like you get shots I hate shots and a

puppy eats food food costs money no

problem I'll give him food off my plate

oh no you don't puppies don't eat

vegetables

today is Friday the 13th that's a bad

day it's supposed to be unlucky you're

supposed to stay home all day that's

what I do

my friend stayed in a hotel on Friday

the 13th that was a mistake he stayed on

the 13th floor

what happened someone stole his laptop

he was asking for it he learned his

lesson he's home today

the price of stamps goes up and up

I think stamps used to cost a penny that

was a long time ago it was before I was

born now a stamp is 42 cents but in me

it will be 44 cents have you ever washed

a letter in the mail no I haven't

neither have I so they do a good job for

the money yes they do

maybe we shouldn't complain

did you feed the cat I'll do that in a

minute that cat is meowing he's hungry

okay I'll feed him right now

you shouldn't make him wait I was doing

my homework the cat doesn't care about

your homework the cat doesn't care about

anything that's the way cats are all

they think about is themselves maybe we

should get rid of him of course not

he's family

look at all these kittens how many are

there

eh they're all so cute yes but I can't

keep them what are you gonna do with

them I'm gonna give them away do you

want one yes I would love one which one

do you want that one the one that's all

black yes I like that one too I'll call

him Blacky

excuse me yes are you reading this paper

oh no help yourself I asked because the

paper is sitting next to you thank you

that's polite of you to ask some people

would just pick it up yes I know some

people are rude I always try to be

polite

so do I the world needs more polite

people like us I agree 100%

my parents go to church every Sunday

they trust in God they hope they will go

to heaven they probably will but no one

knows for sure that's for sure no one

knows what happens after we die if we

are good we will be happy in heaven with

God that's what many people believe if

we are bad

will we be unhappy forever in hell I

don't want to go to hell let's go to

church with your parents on Sunday

my husband died I'm sorry for you thank

you when did he die a couple of months

ago you still miss him yes but I talked

to him almost every day when you go to

church

no when I call him on his cell phone

what do you mean I buried him with his

cell phone what will you do when the

battery dies

I hate shaving me too

I just cut myself again did you use a

new blade it doesn't matter

old blades cut new blades cutting maybe

you should use an electric shaver they

make a lot of noise but they don't give

the close shave maybe you should stop

shaving and grow a beard sure why not

because food and other stuff sticks in

my beard hmm here's an idea put cream on

your face and have the cat lick it off

let's go to the beach that's a great

idea we haven't been in a while we

haven't been in a month the last time we

went you almost drowned

no I didn't then why did the lifeguard

dive into the water I think he wanted to

cool off he swam right up to you and

then he turned right around maybe you're

right maybe we should get going

can I borrow $5 sure why do you need it

I want to buy a lunch where's your money

it's not in my wallet your wallet is

empty I don't have even one dollar in it

being broke is no fun even if it's only

for a short while it's always good to

have friends friends will lend you money

when you're broke as long as you pay

them back

where are you going I have to walk the

dog what kind of dog do you have I have

a little poodle poodles bark a lot

they sure do they bark at everything

they never shut up why did you get a

poodle

it's my mom's dog so she likes poodles

she says they're good watch dogs

do you have a girlfriend no I don't do

you I don't have a girlfriend either why

not I don't know maybe I'm not rich

enough girls like guys with money they

sure do

they like guys with new cars I don't

have money or a new car me neither but

girls like guys who are funny

yeah maybe we should learn some good

jokes

do you have a car yes I do what kind of

car do you have I have a Honda is it new

it was new in 2003 so it's pretty old

now yes it is but it still looks good

do you take good care of it oh yes I

wash it once a week do you change the

oil my mechanic changes the oil twice a

year

I like living here I agree

Pasadena is a nice city it's not too big

and it's not too small

it has great weather all year long it

has the Rose Parade it has beautiful

houses it has wonderful restaurants it

has great schools it's close to the

mountains the people are friendly I'm

not ever going to leave

I'm bored well it's on TV nothing there

must be something on TV nothing that's

interesting what about the new game show

which one Deal or No Deal tell me you're

joking

I love that show I watched it once that

was enough it's on right now let's watch

it together

my laptop is so slow buy a new one I

would if I had the money why is it so

slow that's a good question

did you take it to a computer shop I

would if I had the money well I guess

you have to live with it sometimes I

want to throw it out the window you

don't want to do that why not you might

hit someone in the head

we need a new mattress what's the matter

with this one it's not comfortable it

seems fine to me

I toss and turn all night you should

stop drinking coffee look at these marks

on my arms what are they they are bites

did the cat bite you no the bedbugs in

that mattress bit me okay let's get a

new mattress

are you married no I'm divorced

when did you get divorced I got divorced

three years ago why did you get divorced

my wife left me why did she leave you

she said she didn't love me anymore wow

that's terrible

yes it was why didn't she love you

anymore she fell in love with my best

friend

why are you yawning I'm sleepy why don't

you go to bed I want to watch this TV

show

maybe you should record it the tape

recorder is broken then you should watch

the rerun why I'm watching the original

but you'll be asleep in about one minute

I'm just yawning because the commercials

are on okay I'll tell you how the show

ends

we need to save money why do we need to

save money because we need to buy a

house but a house is so expensive that's

why we need to save money how much do we

need to save we need to save enough for

a down payment how much is that

that's about $30,000 $30,000 that will

take forever

not if we save every penny okay here's

seven pennies

what's for dinner I'm not sure how about

a pizza you had pizza for lunch but I

love pizza everybody loves pizza so why

can't I have pizza for dinner because

you need a variety what's variety

different things not the same thing all

the time

you mean like pepperoni pizza instead of

a cheese pizza no I mean a salad instead

of a pizza

I have to clean the house yes

it's very dirty you can help me why me

because you helped make it dirty what do

you want me to do I want you to clean

the bathroom oh that's easy

clean the sink the tub the counter and

the toilet that's a lot of work tell me

when you finish I don't think so

you'll just give me more work

did you write a letter to Grandma yes I

did did you tell her about school I told

her that school is fun did you put the

letter in an envelope yes and I sealed

the envelope that you put a stamp on the

envelope I couldn't find any stamps

they're in the kitchen drawer okay I

just put a stamp on the envelope give me

the envelope and I'll mail it for you

when is grandma going to learn about

email

you're watching too much TV what do you

mean I mean you are wasting your life

I'm having fun you're sitting there with

your mouth open who cares I care do

something okay I did something what did

you do I turned up the volume that's not

what I meant by do something well you do

something leave me alone

it's Sunday so you know what that means

I forgot Sunday it means we go to church

oh yeah put on a coat and it's high why

to show respect to God and others

I'm glad Sunday is only once a week I

hope God didn't hear that he'll forgive

me

do animals talk to each other

of course they talk to each other what

do they talk about they talk about other

animals what else do they talk about

they talk about food and the weather do

they talk about us of course they talk

about us what do they say about us they

say that we are funny-looking yeah

we're not funny-looking animals are

funny-looking

we're funny-looking because we wear

clothes

I'm upset with my mom why is that I

warned her about her new boyfriend she

didn't listen to me what happened I gave

her a thousand dollars for her birthday

I told her to spend it on herself that

was very nice of you I found out that

she gave it to her new boyfriend why did

she do that he said he would buy her a

nice ring what's wrong with that

he went to us Vegas he lost it all

gambling

oh I hope your mom broke up with him

the ocean is so big you can't see the

end of it it goes on and on forever and

it's deep - I think it's five miles deep

are there fish at the bottom there are

fish at the top and the bottom are there

more fish or more people I think there

are more fish I hope so I love to eat

fish

what's your email address it's blue dog

one two three blue dog one two three

are you sure that's all yes no that's

incomplete what do you mean what's your

mailing address for five six

cherry drive Pasadena California nine

one one seven two zero that's correct so

what's the problem

blue dog one two three is just the

street you have to give me the city

state and zip code oh I get it

my email address is blue dog one two

three at yahoo.com

I'd have to go to the bathroom you drink

too much coffee but I love coffee well

it's your life

you eat too much chocolate I don't think

so have you looked in the mirror do you

think I'm getting fat I didn't say that

what did you say I said I have to go to

the bathroom that's what I thought you

said

what is there to eat I don't know

looking the fridge I think I'll make a

sandwich what kind a ham sandwich the

bread is in the cabinet where's the

mustard it's in the fridge I think oh

yes here it is do you want the sandwich

yes that sounds nice

how about some potato chips yes and a

pickle if we have any

mom I'm hungry look in the fridge I'm

looking there's nothing to eat

are you sure it's almost empty I went to

the market yesterday I don't see

anything I bought lots of oranges and

apples

I don't want fruit I want something

tasty eat the fruit it's good for you

next time you go to the market let me go

with you

no thank you all you want to eat are hot

dogs and candy bars

it's time for your bath young lady but

mom I'm not dirty

you need a bath every day why because

you don't want to smell bad

I don't smell bad that's what you think

if I smelled bad I could smell me I can

smell you I can smell you too that's my

perfume

when can I wear perfume

I called HP about my computer what did

they say they said I need a new hard

drive that's too bad

how much is a new one it's not too much

only about $85 plus installation no my

hard drive is easy to remove and replace

really yes it's just a couple of screws

that's nice it's a lot better than

paying someone $60 if my hard drive

crashes I'll just call you

something's wrong with my computer

exactly what all I get is a black screen

what's the matter I think I know because

this happened before what happened

before my hard drive crashed oh no

that's bad news it sure is but I'm going

to call HP first just to make sure will

you lose all your files no I always back

up my files you're smart

do you listen to the radio I listened

day and night what do you listen to

mostly talk radio what's that people

talk about current events what do they

say they say they want change what kind

of change they want tax cuts why do they

want tax cuts because tax cuts will save

them money

did you do the laundry yes I did what

did you wash I washed the sheets and

towels what about the pillowcases yes I

took them off the pillows and washed

them did you dry everything in the dryer

yes I dried everything in the dryer then

what did you do I folded all the towels

did you put the sheets on the bed yes I

put the pillowcases on the pillows

a button came off my shirt what are you

going to do first I have to find the

button where did you lose it I have no

idea a button is hard to find did you

look in your pant cuffs that's a good

idea

I found a button in my pant cuffs one

time let me look

no it's not there many shirts come with

an extra button you're right

this one does have an extra button now

all you have to do is sew it on

I can't believe how hot it is it's not

even noon yet that means it will get

hotter I'm dying from the heat turn on

the air-conditioner it doesn't work what

happened I don't know did you call the

repairman of course

when is he coming he's busy he said next

week

what's the weather like I don't know I

just woke up why don't you look outside

okay

it looks like rain why do you say that

the sky is gray

is it raining right now no how do you

know the street isn't wet I have to go

shopping today you'd better take an

umbrella

let's go to the animal shelter what do

you want to do I want to get a puppy for

my son that will make him so happy I'll

get him one of those little dogs one

that won't grow up too big and eat too

much do you know which one he would like

oh yes I took him there yesterday

he showed me one that he really liked I

bet you had to drag him away he wanted

to take it home yesterday I wonder what

he'll name it

will you look at this form are you

having problems with it I don't

understand some things let me help you

what does in I mean am i stands for

middle initial

what does mmm / DD / YY mean that means

month/day/year use numbers I don't

understand for example if your birth

date is January 12 1987 right 0 1 / 12 /

87 oh that's simple enough always print

clearly and fill in the bubbles

completely

I hate to go outside me too

why do you hate to go outside I need too

many jerks I agree this city is full of

jerks rude people are everywhere but

what can you do you could yell at them

and they will yell back at you yelling

doesn't do any good no the best thing to

do is just stay home

don't you ever cheat on me why would I

do that because men like to cheat some

men do but not me I'm watching you I'm

an open book watch me all you want if I

catch you you'll he's sorry you won't

catch me because I love you I'm not a

cheater I will poke your eyes out I

don't want any other woman I will chop

your toes off one by one

honey please you're the only woman for

me

forever I swear it

I have lots of friends really how many

do you have I don't know maybe 100 that

is a lot of friends do you have a best

friend of course I have lots of best

friends how many best friends do you

have I think about 25 hmm I have only

one best friend I feel sorry for you I

have only a few friends you must be

lonely I will share my friends with you

that's very nice of you

Yanks what's that noise

I had the blow by nose did you have to

blow right next to the phone did you

hear that of course I heard that I

thought a plane had crashed into your

house it wasn't that loud I will blow my

nose sometime for you and you'll see

okay I'll take your word for it

I thought you had an elephant in your

house you're funny what did you say I

think I've gone deaf I'm going into the

bathroom to blow my nose I'll be right

back

that was a nice funeral yes dad it was

the Sun gave a nice speech about his

father

it was long - I think it was about 45

minutes long but it went by fast it was

interesting I liked it

I'll give you a speech like that - do

you think anyone will come to my funeral

of course I think only the family will

be there you have lots of friends they

will be there too

I'm going to take a nap you should

unplug the phone that's a good idea

do you want me to wake you in an hour no

thanks just let me sleep until I wake up

I'll start dinner at six o'clock okay I

think I'll be awake by then if not your

nose will wake you up you mean I will

smell the food cooking

you might even dream about dinner I

don't think I'm going to dream about

anything

I'm really tired too have a nice nap

I'm worried worried about what I'm

getting married

you should be happy not worried I am

happy but marriage is a lot of

responsibility yes you have to take care

of your wife and I have to take care of

our children are you going to start a

family yes we want to have a little boy

and a little girl that sounds wonderful

except we can't afford it

no wonder you're worried

don't wipe your nose on your sleeve but

I don't have it at issue then go find a

tissue in the bathroom I didn't have

time to get one from there your sleeves

are not tissues but mom all my friends

use their sleeves that doesn't make it

right

I saw a dad wipe his nose on his sleeve

yesterday I will talk to your father

about that I bet dad did it all the time

when he was my age your daddy was a good

little boy

how do you know were you his mommy too

the police need our help finding a

robber how do you know the TV news is

reporting a bank robbery do they know

what the robber looks like yes

he's 6 feet tall 200 pounds black hair

and about 30 years old what race is he

they didn't say the TV news doesn't tell

us the race anymore

of course not that would be racist how

can we identify someone if we don't know

their race

don't ask me then they also shouldn't

tell us if the robber is male or female

because that is sexist

people are funny they sure are did you

hear about the pilot the one that stole

a small plane yes he's still a plane in

Canada and flew it into u.s. did they

catch him yes after two US fighter jets

followed him for an hour he landed on a

highway did he crash no he just landed

the plane and walked to a restaurant did

the cops find out why he flew into the

u.s. his life sucked he was hoping a

fighter jet which shoot him down

poor guy

are you ready ready for what ready for

the big switch what are you talking

about

the nation is switching to digital TV oh

of course I'm ready did you buy the

converter no I don't need a converter

because I bought a digital TV how much

was that it was only about $120 for a

13-inch screen does it pick up any

digital channels oh yes I get six Korean

channels but nothing in English

did you put the bloob in out on the

street oh no I forgot well you'd better

take it out from it what time does the

recycling truck come by it usually gets

here at noon on Tuesday which is

tomorrow I'll just take it out to the

street tomorrow morning oh no you don't

what do you mean every morning you get

up late and rush off to work late do you

think I'll forget to do it you'll

remember to do it but you won't have

time to do it okay I'll take it out

front right now

I'm going to the bank what do you need

to do I need to withdraw some money how

are you gonna do that I just use the ATM

what's that it's the automatic teller

machine it gives you money I just insert

my debit card into the Machine and it

gives you a money well it gives me money

but it's my own money Oh what good is

that I thought it gave you free money

I'll be glad when winter comes why is

that because I love the snow

yes the snow is fun last year we made a

big snowman how big was it it was seven

feet tall

how long did it take it took us all day

did you give him a nose of course we

gave him a big carrot for a nose let me

help you make one this year

beer is a powerful drug so are

cigarettes which will you prefer what do

you mean when you die and go to heaven

they will offer you beer cigarettes I

could pick only one or the other

yes nothing's perfect not even in heaven

boy that's a tough one what's so tough

about it of course I would take

cigarettes but cigarettes taste much

better when you have a cold beer well

you can't have everything I don't think

I want to go to your heaven

I don't get art

artists they're in a different world I

saw a painting of a jar that was full of

pencils the artist said the jar was both

full and empty but it was full of

pencils how could he say it was empty

artists see things differently did you

ever see anything that Picasso painted

of course he's world famous did he ever

take art lessons I can't believe it I

drew paintings like that in the third

grade where are they maybe they are

worth millions

what are you getting for your mom what

are you talking about Sunday is Mother's

Day this Sunday of course it's all over

the news I thought it was next Sunday

well you better get her something I'll

get her a nice card is that it yes

that's all I ever give her she raised

you and all you ever gave her as a card

it's okay she knows that I love her

what are you going to do about your

death well mostly I'll try to avoid it I

mean are you gonna get buried or

cremated my wife and I will be cremated

are you gonna be buried next to each

other oh no our ashes will be shaken

into the ocean you're not gonna be

buried a coffin costs too much and takes

up too much space yes but it will be in

a cemetery where your children can visit

you children seldom visit their parents

in the cemetery that's true

a cemetery is for dead people not living

people we figure our kids can visit us

whenever they go to the beach

how smart are you I don't know I think

I'm average did you ever take an IQ test

no I never did all I know is that I got

A's and B's in school I wish I was

really smart don't be ridiculous

what do you mean if you're going to make

a wish wish that you were really rich or

famous don't you ever wonder what it's

like to be super smart it must be very

lonely why is that because if you're

super smart no one understands what

you're saying

do you know what today is yes it's April

22nd it's more than just a date is it

your birthday or anniversary no its day

what's that it's a yearly reminder to

take care of our planet oh do you mean

like reuse things and recycle stuff yes

we need to think green save water and

stop using plastic bags how about if I

take shorter showers that's a good idea

because showers waste a lot of water

from now on I'll spend only 20 minutes

in the shower

I had a busy morning what did you do i

watered all the plants you have a lot of

plants then I did my laundry that takes

some time I took the dog for a walk I'll

bet he enjoyed his walk I vacuum the

entire house that's a lot of work and

then I made lunch I'll bet you're hungry

I don't have a long-distance service

with my home phone so how do you make

long-distance calls I use a calling card

where you get that I buy it at the

dollar store how much is it it's one

dollar for 100 minutes that's only a

penny a minute it's a great price but

you have to dial a lot of numbers how

many first you dial seven numbers then

ten numbers then ten more numbers

yikes I think I'll keep my long-distance

service

I don't like our flag what's the matter

with it it's too much like other flags

yes a lot of flags have stripes a flag

should be pretty what should our flag

look like it should have a pretty woman

on it that's ridiculous

you don't like pretty women of course I

do but not on our flag every nation

should have a pretty woman on their flag

you can't go to work carrying up a flag

with a woman on it

did you wipe your feet yes of course I

wiped my feet then why is there mud on

the carpet I don't know it's not my mud

well someone brought it into the house

look at the bottom of my shoes they're

clean of course they're clean you left

all the mud on the carpet okay I'll get

the vacuum cleaner

don't vacuum it now don't you want me to

clean up the mud wait till it dries it

will be easier to vacuum next time I'll

be more careful

I missed the TV news last night what was

on nothing that were passes news what's

the weather gonna be like this weekend I

don't know whenever the weather comes on

I switched channels what was the lead

story on the news some actress was in

court for driving without a license what

was the second story some actor married

a woman young enough to be his daughter

what was the third story a bull chased a

man in the supermarket wasn't there

anything about Octomom of course she's

going to hire a nanny for her eight

infants

poetry sucks I don't know anyone who

likes it some of it is okay I guess yes

the poems that rhyming it easy to

remember like one two buckle my shoe but

people still write poems no one makes

any money at it Shakespeare was a poet

did he get rich from his poetry

probably not poems are a little bit like

song

yes but songs have music without music

songs would suck too

you're very lucky what do you say that

you speak two languages well my English

isn't perfect no one speaks perfect

English maybe I'll be the first I've

been thinking about learning Spanish

Spanish is easy I'll be happy to teach

you how long will it take me to learn I

think it will only take you a year - how

soon can we begin I uh that means right

now

do you know any good jokes I can't

remember jokes

neither can i they go in one ear and out

the other

who makes up all these jokes who knows

but there must be a hundred new ones

everyday yes just in English alone

I wonder if every language has jokes of

course

people everywhere I like good jokes what

do you think people would joke about the

most I think most jokes about women oh

really I think most jokes are about men

The Description of 72 Short and Funny English Dialogs