FF: Hey everybody, welcome back to Kingdom Hearts!
CHORPS: Where we goin' today?
FF: We're going to this portal. This yellow sand portal.
CHORPS: Oh, wonder where that leads us.
FF: It leads to more space, Chorps!
CHORPS: Oh. FF: We're in fucking space, that's what space does.
CHORPS: Well look, that's not where my studies lie, I don't know anything about space.
FF: That's right. See, that's why you're here in the Kingdom Hearts LP:
to learn about space, and the infinite wonders.
CHORPS: Right. For all I know, actual space has all of these weird shooting sections that astronauts have to go through.
FF: Yeah. MC: Yeah.
FF: And you can make weird objects, like we have made here.
CHORPS: So what's this ship? Cause I noticed...
MC: Huh? Weird...
FF: Yeah. It's a... It's a toilet. CHORPS: What!
FF: I made it, I'm very proud of it. CHORPS: Uh huh!
MC: Does it look different? I didn't notice, it's just a piece of shit like always.
CHORPS: Daaaamn, whoaaa! MC: Ehhhh!
LOON: Strange vomit-colored mass of cubes, yeah.
LOON: That's everything you do really.
FF: Emcee, that's what goes in a toilet, right?
MC: I guess you're right.
FF: See, I predict things like this.
I predict what you will say and I custom build this game until it's...
LOON: Procedurally generated. FF: Yeah.
MC: Well here we are just in the wormhole.
LOON: Watch out, they're moving towards you now, instead of... not at all.
MC: Just jumped in the air willy nilly.
Maybe we'll go somewhere new, I dunno.
Whatever, just do the fuckin' shitty asteroids or whatever.
FF: I mean, it...
It's new asteroids!
MC: Why does our toilet have wheels?
FF: It's a Porta Potti. MC: (laughs)
LOON: Some kind of glass dome on the bottom of it.
Is that where... (laughs) Is that where... (keeps cracking up)
Is that where we're sitting? We're just upside down the whole time?
FF: Like, that's a ball, it bounces if you sit on the toilet.
CHORPS: Alright, I'm not saying you didn't clearly put a lot of thought into this... MC: (laughs)
CHORPS: But why are there two guns shooting off to the side?
FF: I think there's one gun that I put on there that's diagonal, so we actually have three guns.
CHORPS: Uh huh. Right, I noticed that part. But two of them... don't... shoot in front...
FF: Uhhh, I don't fucking know. Do I look like I care?
CHORPS: You look like you maybe should go into engineering.
With how masterful this toilet works.
FF: Uh already am. This is my entry into college. CHORPS: Oh!
(Monophonic Nokia ringtone ass sound)
LOON: You wanna try that sound again?
MC: It's like a Halloween version of Agrabah.
LOON: Like a greeting card version.
MC: (laughs) I think my greeting card needs new batteries.
Oh boy, we're in the Gilbert Gottfried dimension. This is great.
CHORPS: Of all the voice actors I'm glad they got back,
I'm glad they got Gilbert Gottfried back to do Iago.
MC: Can he be a permanent party member, can we just have Gilbert Gottfried.
FF: Not even like Iago, just this old bald guy.
MC: Just Gilbert Gottfried. CHORPS: Actual Gilbert Gottfried.
FF: He doesn't even have the Gilbert Gottfried voice, he uses his real voice.
CHORPS: Wait, that's not his real voice?
FF: No, he actually has like, a really radio sounding voice, it's weird.
I would've never expected.
LOON: Not even Gilbert Gottfried could endure sounding like Gilbert Gottfried every hour of the day.
CHORPS: I thought it was one of those Larry the Cable Guy things where he has to keep doing that voice, or else he'll forget how to do it.
So that just becomes his real voice.
MC: Larry the Cable Guy also sounds like a radio DJ.
(not Larry the Cable Guy voice) "Hey everybody."
CHORPS: Wow, I didn't know you could do such a good Larry the Cable Guy impression, KEmcee.
MC: Get, Er Done.
...Says Larry the Cable guy. (laughter)
FF: Put Em, On The Barbecue.
LOON: So the new enemies have these sword-shaped noisemakers.
That produce the sound of steel scraping on steel any time they...
MC: Whshhh, whshhh, whshhhh.
LOON: ... Any time they move.
FF: And then we're just dropped in there. CHORPS: Great.
FF: So hey, welcome to Agrabah.
Agrabah's straight up got a new enemy for you: it's Sword Guy. CHORPS: Uh huh.
FF: Sword Guy can kinda spindash to you with his sword,
he can throw the sword, and also he can guard with his sword.
CHORPS: That's a lot of things he can do with his sword!
FF: That's right, this? This is a masterful swordsman.
LOON: Donald, why'd you have to do that?
We came in here peacefully, then you had to go and start a fight!
Now we're on the run. You shot a cop, Donald! (laughter)
MC: Donald, why.
CHORPS: Well good thing we're hanging out with Aladdin, since he knows how to get rid of the cops.
MC: I don't see no Aladdin.
I don't see anybody! Where is anybody in this marketplace?!
CHORPS: Well look at all these people fighting in the marketplace! Why would you wanna be here?
MC: That's true.
FF: Why would you want to leave your wares though.
MC: (laughs) CHORPS: Oh that's fair.
MC: It's just that dangerous. I mean fuck, there's Sword Guys everywhere.
CHORPS: Yeah, how much time do you have to escape these Sword Guys?
MC: Can't run away with a crate of dates and dishes and carpets.
It just ain't possible.
CHORPS: Wait, you weren't there a second ago.
MC: "Id like to voice act without moving my mouth, if that's okay."
FF: Ah nice, a hostage, now we get some real money!
MC: Nah, she is moving her mouth, it's just very tiny movements.
CHORPS: Goofy on the other hand, not moving his mouth.
Goofy's a ventriloquist.
MC: He just burps words.
Is that what his voice with a Goofy burp sounds like?
LOON: That entire formation you see up there, that's a false face to distract predators.
(laughter) CHORPS: Oh!
Oh my god...
FF: Nice cock cam, Jafar. CHORPS: (laughs)
LOON: Nice exclamation point on your head.
FF: I mean, that's, like...
Say what you want about Jafar, but at least he's punctual.
CHORPS: So we never get to fight him?
FF: Nope, we don't. MC: Yeah, he just walks away.
FF: You don't get to fight a Disney villain the first time you see him.
First he taunts you, and then you foil his plans, and then you fight him.
FF: That's how a Disney thing goes.
CHORPS: I was really hoping this world would just be like seven minutes long.
FF: You know for a fact it's longer than that, Chorps.
You can see the time, you can see there's a second video!
CHORPS: You know I'm illiterate.
FF: Wow, this must be real hard for you then, this fucking game.
CHORPS: Yeah, that's why I couldn't beat it the first time when I was a kid.
FF: (laughs) MC: Oh no they stopped talking, what's happening now?
CHORPS: Whoa! What's that pot spider?
FF: Yeah, I call these guys the Potless.
MC: But they have pots. They're not potless.
FF: Yeah, but they're Heartless, but they're also pots!
Do you not get this very simple joke, Emcee?
MC: They're pot-havers though.
CHORPS: Emcee's the Heartless one here, ruining this joke.
MC: (laughs) It's a shitty joke anyway.
What, do you think I make good jokes? Do you think that's the purpose of this LP?
I don't think so, motherfucker!
CHORPS: Oh, well bye.
MC: Not gonna question this, you're just gonna go... alright.
LOON: Where he's from, they don't even have regular carpet.
How is flying carpet supposed to be any more strange?
I guess that's what carpets do in this universe, they just fly around.
CHORPS: With how relaxed he's been about everything else he's dealt with,
I mean I'm not surprised that he's just like "Yeah. This thing can fly."
LOON: The hell is a "Lucid Shard?"
FF: That's uh...
That's just some junk you can use for other stuff, don't worry about it.
MC: Hey carpet.
CHORPS: Well sure!
Well we stuck our hand in a wormhole, and what bad could this do?
MC: Oh no...
FF: Oh no, he's bringing us to this public execution.
CHORPS: Oh no!
MC: Well there goes Aladdin.
FF: Yeah there is no way he can save himself from being enveloped in this quicksand pit.
CHORPS: So that's why we got brought here.
FF: To watch a man die, Chorps, yes.
CHORPS: I mean we're doing a pretty bad job of saving him so far.
FF: Yeah, I think he's dead by now.
CHORPS: Yeah, with as fast as he was falling I don't think that we're gonna be able to help him.
FF: How did he even get into the sand pit? That's what I'm wondering.
MC: He's alright, he can hold his breath, he'll be fine.
FF: He's no Guybrush Threepwood, I think he's dead.
CHORPS: He's no David Blaine.
MC: He's no Bear Grylls.
MC: Welp, he's dead. (laughs) FF: (laughs)
MC: What, he just got up by himself?! (laughs) LOON: He didn't even need our help!
GENIE: (infernal howl)
MC: Gah! CHORPS: Eugh.
MC: Oh hey, Homer Simpson. LOON: Earthworm Jim! How ya doin'.
FF: And there we used one third of the application of our blue slave.
MC: "Why do you have a disturbing blue man in your lamp?"
Ah yeah, cave of wonders! Hell yeah...
FF: "Yeah... I stole this ancient artifact and a blue man was inside of it."
CHORPS: Is that actually Homer Simpson's voice actor?
FF: Yeah, that's actually Dan Castellaneta. CHORPS: Huh!
MC: God, he's so creepy and rubbery.
FF: Just like Dan Castellaneta, Emcee.
MC: ... Did he flip us off?
LOON: Yeah, did he flip us off then?
CHORPS: What an asshole. FF: He hates his lot in life.
MC: What's with the clown honking?
FF: I don't know what a cappuccino is. We're in the Middle East, in the year 1400.
CHORPS: This definitely reads a lot more stiff than the original Genie performance.
CHORPS: Almost they wrote to try to, you know, write through that success.
MC: That's pretty much what they did after Robin Williams.
Every iteration of the Genie is very forced and horrible. FF: Yeah.
LOON: So you went to the cave, and you found the lamp...
And then you got out of the cave because you had the carpet...
And then the carpet left you to die in the desert and went to go rob your house, but got trapped under a box...
MC: How'd it get trapped under a box?
FF: Carpets ain't brightest.
FF: "I play MMOs, kid." (laughter)
MC: Genie, you creep us out, please go away.
FF: "Have you ever heard of Final Fantasy XIV? Lemme tell you about cat butts."
MC: So when are we getting the camels and the riches?
LOON: Yeah, you already spent it, where's the caravan?!
It's booked up a convoy by now. MC: (laughs)
FF: "You'll have three wishes, just kinda wait for 'em for a couple hours." MC: (laughs)
CHORPS: Oh, we're back here already.
FF: Yeah so, here's a new enemy:
Turkish Fat Man. MC: (laughs) LOON: Yes!
MC: Nice. CHORPS: Great!
FF: So yeah, he breathes fire. He also spews meteorites at you, that you can deflect back at him.
CHORPS: Uh huh.
FF: And that's really kinda it. You can also hit around him...
And that's Fat Turkish Man's lot in life. CHORPS: That looks pretty cool.
FF: I think he's got a thing going on here, and seems to work for him, so I'm cool with that.
FF: As long as he's happy.
MC: Why do you care about his happiness?
FF: See Emcee, he looks like such a jolly man.
CHORPS: So in comparison to the swordsmen, I feel like Aladdin here is just kinda swinging wildly.
FF: Aladdin doesn't really know shit, actually.
LOON: Yeah, he's just some homeless guy.
FF: Yeah, we just picked up a random hobo and put him in our party.
LOON: Some squatter.
MC: But he's so charming.
FF: That's how much we value Donald as a person, that we replaced him with a hobo.
CHORPS: Yeah I was gonna say, Donald's not that, but at least he's trained in magic or something.
LOON: Court Wizard to the King of Space.
MC: He's a pretty worthless wizard though, he just dies all the time.
FF: I mean he might be the most amazing wizard. But like...
You can't use magic when you're fucking dead. MC: Yeah!
CHORPS: It's true.
FF: Yeah, that is true, Chorps. That is a common guideline I subscribe myself to.
MC: You already unlocked it!
CHORPS: Are you trying to use the keyhole again?
FF: Yeah. MC: (laughs)
CHORPS: Why did you go back?!
FF: (laughs) Can I use the keyhole again? CHORPS: (laughs)
MC: I'm so scared of the pot.
CHORPS: It has to happen.
FF: Have you seen it? It's a spider, spiders are scary.
MC: It's not a spider.
It's got spider legs and a pot body.
FF: Yeah that's scary, that's freaking me out.
CHORPS: It's a potbelly spider.
FF: That doesn't make any sense.
Ain't got a belly at all, it's just a pot. It's just a pot!
CHORPS: Whoa, you actually used your magic!
FF: Yeah. MC: Whoa...
FF: Mostly because I didn't wanna get over there. CHORPS: (laughs)
LOON: Shot a man.
MC: Come on, just... Yeah, there we go.
LOON: Before now you were an accomplice, but...
You're all in now.
FF: (laughs) MC: "And this "keyhole"".
MC: Why are you shouting, Sora, calm down.
FF: Sora is just so annoyed at this blue man trying to help. MC: (laughs)
CHORPS: "How can you not remember something from 200 years ago, jeez!"
FF: What an asshole, I hate that guy.
CHORPS: This world seems to be really into just throwing you right into a battle as soon as you screen transition.
FF: Yeah basically, it's because every screen is kinda...
Too short to really have a proper segue.
CHORPS: Yeah. FF: Like, it's very vertical, and you ain't got a lot of space.
FF: So yeah, in general it's just...
Ehh whatever, spawn a bunch of enemies as soon as you arrive. But who cares.
Like what are you here for, the uh...
The amazing platforming in this? CHORPS: Yes.
FF: Shit son, I'm sorry to disappoint then.
Sorry I talked smack about you. CHORPS: (laughs)
MC: It's great. Platforming is amazing.
You get to jump like ten feet in the air.
And gently float down.
LOON: You ever try to do that in the real world, you'll die.
Shatter your bones.
FF: I mean, lemme tell you, as a man who has shattered his bones many a time...
Don't shatter your bones.
CHORPS: Oh what? MC: (laughs)
FF: Yes, I've done it many a time of once. CHORPS: Oh, okay.
MC: Futurefriend is doing this LP in a full body cast.
FF: I was twelve, it was five minutes before a uh...
Before the school play, where I hit one of the main roles. (laughs)
MC: What play was this?
FF: Eh, I was twelve.
CHORPS: It was called Bone Buster. MC: It was called I Was Twelve.
I don't remember, I just remember I broke my finger and was very, very miffed about it.
LOON: This is why you don't say Macbeth, kids. Learn early.
CHORPS: It wasn't "Aw man, I'm hurt!", it's like "Aw man, I'm so mad that I got hurt!"
MC: "Ahhh, what a worthless body I have, just breaks."
CHORPS: Futurefriend just looks at his hand, he's like
"You're shit! You mean nothing!"
FF: "You're garbage, you stupid thumb!"
LOON: And that's why you made it play Kingdom Hearts.
MC: Stop doing that with your eyes, Jafar.
What do you mean, you're sorry? What...
FF: You got captured, it ain't your fault.
CHORPS: Oh did he... Was that not his actual second wish?
Oh okay. So we didn't actually wish for the riches.
FF: Yeah, it was just promise of a wish.
CHORPS: Oh okay.
MC: Well he should've wished for that.
What an idiot! CHORPS: Ohhh my god.
CHORPS: Welp, the end. MC: Just like that. Now she's in a pot.
MC: Oh no! CHORPS: Ohhh! LOON: And now she's a spider.
CHORPS: This is really fucked up.
CHORPS: We don't have to kill Jasmine now, do we?
FF: No, don't worry about it. CHORPS: Okay.
FF: So here's the pot centipedes.
MC: Pot centipede...
FF: Yeah, he's a centipede made out of pots. CHORPS: Oh! MC: Centapot.
CHORPS: Oh I didn't notice that they were actually connected together.
LOON: More like a decapede.
FF: So he makes the entire marketplace, like...
One giant arena to fight him in.
CHORPS: That's kinda cool. MC: Yeah.
FF: And he is kind of an unmemorable boss.
He splits apart, and most of the time that means just stay away from him.
FF: You shouldn't attack his back end, cause that damages you if you are near it.
CHORPS: M'kay. MC: It just smells bad.
FF: You will probably get damaged, because most of the time pots will just kinda crash into you.
Like that's. CHORPS: Oh so they spawn in once you break them.
FF: They just kinda randomly spawn in, yeah.
Every time I play this game I just forget this boss exists. (laughter)
Yeah, I don't remember this boss at all, so...
I guess this says a lot about it.
FF: Yeah, he isn't worth anything.
Just forget anything I said about him.
Everyone who's viewing this, just forget these two minutes we've spent fighting him.
LOON: What are you talking about, this video's only 19 minutes long.
MC: Well I like this centapot.
I think it's pretty good.
FF: You like eating shit, Emcee!
CHORPS: Whoa. MC: We've found real life.
Oh we killed her, oh no!
CHORPS: (laughs) MC: We slashed her up into bits and pieces.
CHORPS: To the desert?
FF: I don't wanna go to the desert, it's hot in there!
CHORPS: And have you seen my giant baggy pants?