A boundary is a space between you and another person. Think of it as a fence or a gate.
As the gatekeeper, you can decide how close another person gets to you physically and
emotionally based on your personal conditions of whats ok and whats not ok. When you
dont have any boundaries, youll feel mistreated, hurt and sad. On the contrary;
when you do have boundaries, you feel powerful, have more self-respect, youll have a deeper
understanding of your identity and youll feel less stressed and anxious. Boundaries
can range from being loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries often falling somewhere
in between. In this video youre going to find out how you can set healthy and how you
can maintain them in relationships and in your work.
Lets first go over the deeper mindsets that are required to have healthy boundaries, because
just giving you tips and applying them wont make any difference, since the problem of
having a lack of boundaries is rooted in your mind, so firstly, that needs to be dealt with.
Common problems that occur with people who lack boundaries have are the tendency to please
others and feeling exploited. This happens because they base their own value on how much
they can do for someone else. They start to placate to the other person as much as possible
in the hopes of getting the approval and validation of the person who they see as superior. However,
what usually happens is that the quote on quote superior person will either get disgusted
with the people-pleaser and kick them out of their life or they will exploit the people-pleaser
until there is nothing left of him. So the deeper underlaying problem from which these
people suffer is the lack of internal self-worth. What you should do instead is generating confidence
from within through a specific core-value; you are enough. When you truly feel enough,
youll start to radiate positivity into the world and people will start to respect
you for who you are and what you stand for. So how can you achieve this? It all starts
with being aware that there are different options than the one youve currently chosen
to generate your confidence from. To be specific; being aware of the fact that you can generate
confidence from within without needing any external source. Secondly, the way to train
yourself to generate internal confidence is by meditating. Meditation is teaching you
how to be present to the moment and to be relaxed in your being. So why do you need
to be present to the moment? Because when you stop your compulsive thinking about the
future and the past, happiness becomes your natural state of being. Youll find joy
and peace in the present moment, not in your past and future. As a consequence of this
fact, it will make you feel less attached and needy, simply because you know that other
people or things wont make you feel happy as being grounded in presence, since you know
what power presence holds.
And the final step is to deal with your current fears and traumas that prevent you from reaching
your full potential. A lot of people are held back by their fears and traumas. A little
disclaimer; with regards to past trauma and scars that havent been healed yet, Id
advise you to seek out professional help and not only watch this video. Being your authentic
self is amazing, but you also want to live life to the fullest, whatever that is to you.
There are lots of people out there who feel good about themselves but arent willing
to pay the emotional price of expanding their personality. To live life to the fullest you
need to become self-actualized. According to Abraham Maslow, self-actualization
is the emotional state of a person who is in a position to achieve their highest potential.
According to Maslow, a key requirement to becoming self-actualized is having what he
calls, peak experiences. Peak experiences are those moments that stretch and shift your
perspective of yourself and reality. In other words, peak experiences are simply those
moments where you go through deep experiential learning. These moments of deep learning and
transformation leave you in a state of wonderment, and gratitude. The more you have them, the
more limitless your life will start to become. Youll start to take chances more often,
become more resourceful with your time and your personal standards increase.
Whether youre just at the first step with a basic understanding how generating true
confidence works or a little more advanced, youre committed to making fundamental changes
in your life which are necessary for sticking to your boundaries. So lets now look at a
step by step guide on how you can set healthy boundaries.
The first part of setting boundaries is examining the boundaries that already exist (or are
lacking) in ones life. Go over every area in your life and every relationship that you
currently have and write everything down. The key to setting boundaries is first figuring
out what you want from your various relationships, setting boundaries based on those desires,
and then being clear with yourself and with other people about your boundaries. When you
have a clear idea of what you want, youll know ahead of time what the consequences are
if someone violates your boundaries. It will make you feel much more confident in the strength
of your boundaries as well as your ability to maintain them.
The second step is to give yourself permission to let go of the relationships that cross
your boundaries, but also to enforce them. Fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential
pitfalls. We might fear the other persons response if we set and enforce our boundaries.
We might feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a family member. We might wonder if
we even deserve to have boundaries in the first place. Yes, you totally deserve boundaries
and you definitely deserve self-respect. Free yourself from the chains of validation and
approval seeking behaviour by giving yourself the permission to be your authentic yourself.
The third step is to let your behaviour, not your words, speak for you. If you do it well,
you dont even have to explain explicitly what your boundaries are. You just demand
respect by the way you carry yourself. However, some situations demand you to be explicit
in your boundaries. So dont be afraid to speak up for yourself when you feel like you
need to. Nonetheless, people will test, push, and disrespect your limits. Its not that
all of them do it with bad intentions, its also simply part of human nature to always
be looking for; how I can get what I want. However, do not feel that you need to explain
yourself. Not over explaining is a crucial aspect of setting boundaries, as everyone
has the right to determine what they want what they dont want. When your boundaries
are your core beliefs, you wont care if you get tested.
The final step is about learning from your failures during the process. Everybody is
perfectly capable of setting boundaries, but the problem lays in maintaining them. Its
hard to enforce your boundaries when youve never done it before. You might think that
you come across as rude or worse. This brings up another point; keep the focus on yourself.
Instead of setting a boundary by saying something like, I cant always go for a drink with
you after work, you could say, I need some time to myself when I get back from work.
When you make the boundary about yourself, you take out any confusion that it might has
something to do with them. Not only will the other person understand you better, they will
also respect you, at least the majority will; because who doesnt respect someone who
is confident, knows what he wants and cares for himself deeply? Exactly, 99% of the people.
To conclude this video, setting healthy boundaries can only happen when youre in the right
state of mind. Otherwise youll be unable to maintain them over a longer period of time.
Acquire the deeper mindsets by studying them and setting healthy boundaries will naturally