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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Musalman aur NRC | Stand-Up Comedy by Aariz Saiyed

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This is not a usual stand-up video, I mean it may not be a hilarious one but definitely something fun and new to watch and experience

We recorded our last show at this same venue, was anyone from you here in that one?

I worked really hard on my performance and jokes last time and gave an epic performance

for the first time in my life I felt like that

Went back home after the show

edited and packaged the video in 3days constantly working on it day and night

I was super excited to share my standup video with everyone on the internet

Uploaded it..video went live

Video started to pickup views and traction

I thought I will checkout the comment section the next day

Next day I opened the comments only to realize the very first comment was

'Get a haircut you animal'

(pointing at the youtube viewers)

Bro I got myself a haircut (talking to viewers online)

whosoever commented and is watching this video I am letting them know on camera

and my parents have conveyed their THANK YOU for getting me convinced to get a haircut with your comment

We work so hard to put out a video for you all and people comment all this

What the hell is going on in this country

*audience prompts* COMMENTA (comments)

COMMENTA (aariz's way of pronouncing comments)

But have you ever experienced this?

You are in a public place and you see a familiar face but cant recall where have you seen them before and you are like...

'I have seen this face before' (confused face)

'Oh yes! he was in my school!'

'But we never interacted'

Then you think to yourself

'NOT TODAY, FUCK IT'

and then you go back to your life

you do experience something like this right?

I just experienced this recently

I saw a face and I was like 'where have I seen or met him before?'

He was thinking the same I read it in his eyes

So he was staring at me confused and I was doing the same

Then both of us ignored

But he recalled and came to me later

he was like 'ummmm..youuuuuu are...'

*guessing face*

'we were in school together right!?'

'what's the name' (trying to recall)

AARIZ...AARIZ! You are Aariz right!

I was like 'yeah...Hi'

Then he was like 'I remember your name because you were the only muslim guy in our classroom'

I said 'I was also the only fair looking guy in the class as well'

If you are being racist then do it wholeheartedly

He was like 'ya but even pigs are fair.... but anyways ah...'

For all those watching this video, BHUND meaning PIG we call it DUKKAR in Gujarati language

Then he asked me

Bro there is so much issue going around in the country about CAA and NRC

So many protest are going on and muslims consider this act as a threat

Dont you feel scared?

I said bro I come from GUJARAT state

I got scared since 2002 and not from today

YOU DONT SAY

*amit shah voice in background*

All the Hindus,sikh,jain, buddhist, christian

All the Hindu refugees who have come, will be granted citizenship of India forever

What does this bill say in a bigger sense?

This bill states that there are some foreign immigrants who belong to this country and are our own

For whom the gates of this country are always open

While there are some whom we question why are you here and this is not where you should be

and those 'some' are who?

MUSLIMS

But now you know, now I feel

now you know I am

Shitting in my pants thinking about it

my friend: WHAT?

I said I am...

Shitting in my pants (whispering)

my friend: WHAT WHAT?

I was like 'I AM SHITTING MY PANTS!'

*audience interaction*

What's your name sir?

audience: Aashish

So Ashish whenever you are having a bad day you must be reminding yourself right

'C'mon ashish you are a warrior'

fuck the bad day man you are a warrior'

You can make this day right and better man c'mon you are a warrior! right!?

But I've always motivated myself saying

C'mon Aariz you are a survivor #2002

You have lived year 2002 in Gujarat and you feel scared entering the middle birth of a train!?

HOP IN MAN!

I fear Middle births in trains a lot

What if someday I am sleeping on the middlebirth and a fat guy as fat as a Sumo wrestler is sleeping on the top birth

and if his birth breaks, what happens then?

Then you get a muslim nonveg sandwich

That too Halal!

People say this bill is against the minorities

People say this bill is against the muslim community

Guys I never knew that all those comments I get on my Youtube channel saying

'GO BACK TO PAKISTAN'

Are coming from parliament I really never knew!

Had I knew it, I would have never blocked those comments,

There is full democracy on my youtube channel

You can bark, oh sorry you can speak whatever you want to on my channel

I find it really ironic when people comment GO BACK TO PAKISTAN

Its ironic because I have nobody in PAK. no relative no friend nothing, so why the hell would I go there man!?

WHY WOULD AND SHOULD I GO TO PAK!?

Even if I had someone there why would I go?

This land is my mother goddess! (saying it in a filmy way)

bless me with strength mother goddess !

Interviewer: So all these official Id proofs like Aadhar, voter card and all documents

Interviewer: All this doesn't prove one's nationality in this country?

Amit shah: No

Amit shah: This doesn't prove anything

Amit Shah: And Aadharcard specifically doesn't prove anything at all

What was so urgently problematic about this issue with citizenship that

You don't want to first solve or talk about the country's bigger problems like unemployment, recession or the troubles and pain of farmers

are not even being focused upon, solved or even mentioned right now by the government

but they are emphasizing more upon implementing CAA and NRC first rather than focusing on bigger problems that needs urgent attention

WHY!?

Is it rational to take this step right now when our country is facing the highest unemployment rate recorded in 45years

These numbers are shared by government I am not making this up

But what are you worrying about?

What are you worrying about?

Whoever is watching this video right now if you find it offending

Then look I am warning you, don't even try to scare me with your comments here

I have anyways always lived scared.

I've always been scared so please don't waste your time.

TIME IS MONEY

(Time for some musical comedy)

(quick brief for all the musician watching)

(I am using a podhd500x to loop a guitar riff for this original)

FYI: There were a total of 80 people in this room.

FYI all the less informed viewers

This is a looper pedal (used to loop music)

Don't think I am cheating you guys by playback track, I have looped this right now LIVE

(no need to think I am spreading a wrong message amongst muslims with this song or my act, A wise audience realizes these are all jokes with sarcasm.

Just look what's going around in my country?

You are not my own says my own country!?

*super sarcastic high recall sexy dance move*

*Sarcastic camera look 1*

*Sarcastic camera look 2*

*Sarcastic camera look 3*

No freedom to speak in this democracy

but full freedom to bark in this country

*lame barking with a not so hidden sarcastic punch*

Waah Modiji Waah

*lame barking with a not so hidden sarcastic punch*

(haters gonna hate potatos gonna potate)

Just kidding guys just kidding

PHATTE MERI GAND (I am shitting in my pants in hindi)

(FYI: GAND means ASS)

PHATTE MERI GAND (can also mean I am shit scared in hindi)

PHATTE MERI GAND in my own Hindustan

Phatte meri gand (I feel shit scared)

In my own Hindustan

First they wanted to throw out black money from this country

Now they wanna throw out people from this country

I don't have a problem with it I got all my ID proofs.

I am not worried for myself

But I find it a bit strange that only muslim community has been excluded from this act

It really felt like this country FRIENDZONED one particular community

Muslims just got FRIENDZONED by the Government

But the only good thing that happened amidst all this chaos is that

People from all communities came together to support each other and stand for each other

Some authorities in Delhi got worried thinking 'Sir I think our step just got backfired'

This is our Hindustan

We were the bulbul (birds) of this garden

and now we feel like

Sherds of this garden

(Google 'sherds' and you will realize the english cc of this line is apt lol)

Phatte meri gand (I live scared)

Phatte meri gand (I feel shit scared)

Phatte meri gand (I live shit scared)

In my own Hindustan

So what I did before the show is that

I asked my friends to get this chits filled up from the audience waiting outside the venue

The chit had a simple question on it

Your thoughts on CAA/NRC/NPR and everything in one line?

So these chits are PEOPLE'S VOICE I didn't make this up

(Reads the question to start reading the chits received)

'A controversy without understanding'

Very NAAICE

'WHY'

Someone still doesn't have shit idea about this act

'saffron color should be waving across the nation'

Hmm...I think that is 'why'

Too heavy for a comment

'much needed' someone wrote

Are they distributing blankets for winter or what that you saying this!?

and by the way

I might get some chit here that may be edgy and offending

so I might feel shit scared

I wont sing the hook line at that point but will simply do this...

alright!?

(chutiyapa means stupidity)

*super sarcastic high recall sexy dance move*

not me guys not me, just reading the people's voice

This land is my mother

The most logical answer I got by far

This guy is trippin on something else

need to ban ola uber

I guess he didn't the refund from these apps

*super sarcastic high recall sexy dance move*

This guy has written...

'They are nice people'

*audience trying to guess who wrote this and who is this guy sitting around them in this room*

I mean... who, what and why!?

What is this guy trying to say?

Who is he talking about!?

Who are NICE PEOPLE!?

The people who brought this act they are nice?

Or the people who will get affected from this act they are nice!?

Or is he talking about the people who met him to get this chit filled up?

Who are 'NICE PEOPLE'?

Or is he pointing towards..!!!?

*feeling frustrated*

You will enjoy this chit for sure!

Modi is gonna win

Modi will be elected again

Modi is gonna come again

(that's what she said)

Modi is gonna win

THAT IS WHY!

*super sarcastic high recall sexy dance move*

*with some tensed expressions*

*SEXY MOVE ONE LAST TIME*

THANKS

Discussed such a heavy topic right!?

This topic is so sensitive yet so hard

*Hindi rappers slang*

Anyways lets talk something else

*super sarcastic high recall sexy dance is back*

Have you ever watched a live band perform?

Have you ever noticed the face of the lead guitarist in a band during a guitar solo?

*enacting that face when you are about to cum*

*more cum/orgasm expressions*

Suddenly in the middle it feels like he got an epilepsy

*Now just flaunting guitar skills for no reason*

Any fellow musician who is a PENTATONIC shapes fan watching this?

*more cum faces*

*Orgasm face*

*That moment when you finally cum*

Those fighting in the name of religion within each other

We are not them

We are not them

We are not them

Leaving behind our own

Those trying to move ahead

We are not them

We are not them

We are not them

The Description of Musalman aur NRC | Stand-Up Comedy by Aariz Saiyed