Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Cyanide & Happiness Compilation - #19

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So did you bring a condom you bet I did oh

Oh No I traded coats with that homeless man. What?! nothing, one moment

What there's nothing I can't find oh God, huh?

Every single day all the time local crime boys do a big illegal crime

Over 3,000 crime boys were given a new home last year a home with lots of metal bars

But what about the lots and lots of bad deters that stay outside not in a cage at all outside?

Where they can shoot a bank or yell at a dog?

Hello, I'm fancy suit man John Batman will you do your part to cage up the crime guy or two what about three

Look at this sad boy, and this one. It's a girl. Also sad because she's in a box with bars

Don't you want to help her stay there forever?

Every day I punch a bad guy until he's in a cage. Why don't you punch some money into a mailbox?

For as little as a small fortune. You'll keep these meanings behind bars

Call now and get a photo of one you helped cage up. I don't have a phone so put a light in the cloud

People with money just like you put a bunch of crime dinners in a cage last time crime dinners like scared crow the Pangolin

one face

dr. Crux

clown town cat nips egg legs the Madlib bad hat Barbara Bush and Fanny morph

Like Johnny questions question marks man professor millionaire doctor man

Batman questions mark weep day William Hartley quim mr.. Ice guy and many more

Many more is a villain also for as little as 10% of your taxes. You could box up a bad boy

Don't believe me ask another fancy suit man, but just a regular suit not a bad suit Bruce Wayne. I don't pay taxes. I'm rich

Sound smart brutes

When you give us your money, we only keep some of it the rest buys bars and walls and locks if there's enough left

This little guy needs a forever home

But instead of in a house its prison forever once you put him there forever if you don't give us the money

He'll just robbed it from your purse or bank

Okay, go Robert won't you pull a light on a cloud so John Batman can put a lock on a cloud?

No, don't poke him

There's a bad boy

But if you wanna stop a crime time and you don't

You can send a son Oh

Ow

Bro did you know you eat an average of one spider at night whatever dude, that's a total myth

Statistics like that are always made up no way bro. It's totally legit

Oh

Come on buddy you promised me, you'd have your room clean by now whoops. Sorry dad. Hey Dad

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark now? We can't right now frostbite get it

Very funny, but we're not done talking about your room. Hey Dad. What do you get when you cross Rachel with a gorilla?

Son you promised me you would clean your dumb gorilla

Hey now apologize to your sister nah she sucks hey Dad, what do you get when you cross them stop right there

I've got one of my own

Really, let me have it all right listen closely

What do you get when you cross your dad with a bad attitude?

Is it pants is it is it

Hey Dad, what are you giving you cross bleach with ammonia

Mustard gas huh, that's not very funny

Take this my son for it is my body, thank you Jesus

and

Take this for it is my blood. Yes, Jesus

Take this my son, or it is my hair uh

Okay Jesus

And this is my head

Jesus, it's ready, it's perfect. Oh shit here they come

Well

Well, what do we have?

Here looks like a dark definitely a dork with that and definitely a dork with that hair

What do you say we give it a wash yeah, that should fix it

There you go dork, huh Wow and the final touches Wow

Thanks, you're welcome dork

Hey, are you boys smoking in here?

And

That's why scientists have calculated that our solar system formed nearly 5 billion years ago. No

Didn't happen

It was six thousand years ago what that's ridiculous the earth alone is over 4.5 billion years old

Nope, don't think so

science proves it the data shows that

No using carbon dating and sediment layers we know then

6,000 years ago it was

Billions of years after the Sun formed the leftover gases condensed, and here's a condensed gas, Floria teach I

Wish we could keep God out of our schools

It won't be long now you should say your goodbyes who dad

No do you allow this isn't the end we'll be together again

Don't be sad I'll be with you drama someday

And

Again for those just tuning in scientists have in fact confirmed that the solar flare will hit the earth within ten minutes

We are looking at a total extinction event hold your families close. This is Abby babble signing off

good luck and Godspeed

What what do we do now don't worry son I'll get my ladder

Come on boy we have to go

Mom-mom and everyone else don't worry my boy. Your mother will always live on in our hearts now. Let's go

Here we are son this is our new home

But, but what if they don't accept us I have a feeling, babe will

Ah

I

Can't believe

I knew it you were cheating on me you

interdimensional hussy

it's not like this is how you treat a royal trial it from chapter Zig my 49 brood mothers were right about you I

Just wanted to mix things up this relationship is over. I'm out of here catch you on the flip-flop, bitch

I

Believe, I'll be

Taking that loot old-timer. No way I found it. It's mine. I'm afraid. I'm gonna have to

insist

I don't think so

I

Believe I will be taking that Polti now hold it right there

As sheriff of this County I'm claiming that prize for the taxpayers

I don't think so, Kemosabe this land belongs to my people which means that belongs to us

Booty for meself

Oh

Bitches I

Know you only think about taking my money, baby all civilians

That chest and the contents therein is the property of the US government?

Hey, don't you all think that maybe just maybe the real treasure here is friendship?

No the real treasure. Be treasure

The Description of Cyanide & Happiness Compilation - #19