Thank you for joining us at 13 O'clock News, I'm Tom O'Donnell.
This just in, we have a man threatening to jump off the Maple Street bridge
in downtown McMaynerberry.
We have Dan Peterson at the scene,
Dan what do you have for us?
Well, Tom, it looks like this man is trying to end his life
by leaping 200 feet to his death.
That sounds awful, Dan, what would make a man so desperate?
I don't know, Tom, let me ask him.
Hey, psychopath! Why are you trying to catapult yourself off a bridge?
I don't wanna talk about it!
Well, you better make him talk about it, Dan!
This is the best story we've had
since that homeless guy took a shit in that Burger King drive-through.
Hey, psychopath, I'm a goddamn news, you have to talk to me!
Well, Tom, you might as well go to commercial,
I don't think this guy's gonna jump.
You're ruining our ratings, you selfish asshole!
You keep at him, Dan.
And now, a word from our sponsor.
This possible public suicide is brought to you by Angel Soft toilet paper.
Toilet paper so soft, it's like wiping your ass with a baby.
And welcome back to the news.
Dan, have you found the reason why this man is threatening to jump yet?
No, he's not talking to us, Tom.
So I guess we've got to make our own conclusions.
Personally, I think it's because he's ugly.
Hey, stupid fuck, is because you're ugly?!
Careful, Dan!
Nobody wants to be called ugly from a man, who's never learned how to satisfy a woman.
Oh, so we're gonna do this shit again, huh?
Okay, Tom, well, sure you can satisfy women,
but you always have to pay them first, don't you?
Well, I sure didn't have to pay your ex-wife, Dan!
Hell, she was so satisfied, she asked for my autograph afterwards.
That's funny, Tom!
I thought the only thing you signed your name on
was a personal check to a rehab clinic.
Uh, I know you're not talking about money, Dan.
Hell, with all your back child support,
I'm surprised you yourself haven't hurled yourself 200 feet off a bridge.
No worries, Tom, I hurl myself 200 feet
every time I roll off that fat fuck you call your mother.
I find that hard to believe, Dan,
since your ex-wife told me you haven't had an erection since 1996.
My dick may be soft, Tom,
but at least every hooker in downtown McMaynerberry hasn't seen it.
Well, of course they haven't seen it, Dan.
Why the fuck would a hooker have a microscope?!
This just in, Tom, the results of your latest STD test came in,
and it looks like your dick is now more toxic than Chernobyl.
Well, Dan, if my dick was radioactive,
your ex-wife would be a goddamn Ninja Turtle at this point.
Uhm, excuse me-
Shut the fuck up! I'm trying to do the news!
Uhm, but I'm not gonna jump off the bridge now.
Your guys' lives are so fucked up, mine actually seems worth living.
Well, there goes our news story, Dan!
Just another disappointment thanks to your flaccid dick!
We'll be back after these messages.
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