LAINEY: Back in the '90s, one of the biggest toy fads was Beanie Babies.
These cute little stuffed animals took the world by storm.
People would flock to shopping malls in a mad dash
to collect as many as they could,
and they were especially popular at William Penn.
What's your poison?
I need Claude the Crab.
That'll cost you $40.
You know there's no dealing Beanies on school grounds.
Beat it before I tell Glascott.
I got Claude the Crab for $30.
That's right, suckers.
You're looking at a first-edition
mint-condition Patti the Platty!
I did a lot of things I'm not proud of to get this Beanie Baby.
You do know you're drooling over a bag of beans, and you're also adults?
Says the guy who loves Tamagotchis,
Furbys, Koosh balls...
Harry Potter, Goosebumps,
Pokemon, Magic: The Gathering...
Pogs, man. Pogs?
Oh, come on!
It says right there on the Pog package "fun for all ages."
But this whole Beanie Baby craze? Don't get it.
LAINEY: But they're so cute and cuddly.
Uh, look, don't touch.
Because, you know, your hands are gross.
Any way you'd part with Patti?
Come on. How much we talking?
You collect these things, too?
Collect? No. I flip 'em.
Buy low, sell high, reap the rewards.
Above-ground pool, here I come!
These things double in value every day.
Ask Warren Buffett.
He'll tell you, "Sell stocks, buy beanies."
You're all fools.
I know, right?
What I mean is, there's a 100% chance
that one day we'll all be living in a post-apocalyptic world
where Beanie Babies are the only form of legal tender.
Do I sound this stupid talking about
all the weird stuff that I like?
You'll be a believer when you're scavenging for scraps
and I live like a king,
trading Pinchers the Lobster
for matches, seeds, and ice-cold drinking water.
Do you seriously believe that?
Oh, I do.
It's the only way I can justify spending $600
on a bean-stuffed crustacean in an eBay bidding war.
LAINEY: Can I pet it?
♪♪ One of these days You're gonna get outta here
♪♪ Live your life And finally be free
♪♪ Go where you wanna go Do what you wanna do
♪♪ Someday, you will say "Those were the days" ♪♪
LAINEY: It was December 11th, 1990-something,
and Wilma was about to discover a holiday surprise.
Well, I'll be damned!
Look what's on the card shelves this year.
And as we all know, once we make it to Hallmark,
that means we're official!
Move over, Santa.
If you can, you fat sack of garbage.
I'm sorry, but come on. Kwanzaa?
Oh. I'm Jehovah's Witness,
so we really don't do holidays.
What is your problem, man?
Why do you got to ruin stuff, Coop?
I'm just saying... Once you find out...
Ooh, you know what?
We should add it to the Christmas concert.
It'll be a good way to teach people
what Kwanzaa's all about.
You know, I think it'd be great
to put some new life into our holiday show.
We've been doing the same, old script since I went to school here.
And lucky for us, we have
a semi-professional script writer on faculty.
Dear God! Do not ask.
Too late. She asked.
Screenplay, you ask?
Why, yes. I'll tell you all about it.
Yeah, it's the story of Jeffrey Sole
and his identical twin, David Alan Brothers.
They're shoe salesmen who moonlight as detectives.
If they're twin brothers, why do they have different last names?
Okay, we're good. No more questions.
Sorry. I got to know.
Why the hell is there a genie lamp?
You know what? It's better if I pitch it.
Do not pitch it!
Exterior, Arabian Desert. Dead of night.
Yeah, I've heard enough.
Lainey, you're writing about Kwanzaa.
Um, are you sure it should be me?
You know, because I'm, like, you know...
And people who celebrate Kwanzaa are, um...
You know, they're, um...
So, you know... (CHUCKLES)
Okay, what is going on with you right now?
Whenever I talk about this kind of thing, I'm just,
you know, like, worried I'm gonna say the wrong thing.
What exactly do you think you're gonna say?
Oh, God! Nothing!
But, yeah, John should take charge.
Kwanzaa's all yours.
Not that I won't be there to support it,
'cause I do support it a lot.
But not too much. I don't want to overstep my bounds.
Just the appropriate amount of supporting.
While I was awkwardly getting into Kwanzaa,
my new roommate, CB,
was getting into the holiday spirit.
Dude! You cleaned my entire place and got me a Christmas tree?
Why do you keep doing stuff like this?
Well, 'cause my place burned down and you took me in rent-free,
and cleaning helps me forget
my place burned down and you took me in rent-free.
Aw, man. If I knew I had a tree,
I wouldn't have opened Barry's gift already.
(IMITATING BARRY'S VOICE) Hi, baby.
I'm fishing you a Merry Christmas.
I've been listening to bad fish puns all day.
Are you sure you want to keep that in a place of prominence?
I am fin love with you.
Yeah. It's just so Barry.
Look! I'm a Barry-cuda. Ha!
You mean loud and intrusive?
You just have to get to know him, and then you'll see what I see.
Why the fish?
'Cause you've been dropping him hints all month
that you wanted that platypus Beanie Baby.
Eh, it's disappointing, but they're really hard to find,
and this just screams "Barry."
My name's Barry, and I'm a fish!
Come on. Don't make excuses for the guy.
You deserve that Beanie Baby.
Well, my birthday's in a month, so maybe he'll be my hero then
and get me that new Beanie Baby.
Hey, man, you got a sec?
I need some help translating this Spanish verse
for my poetry class.
It's nice to know you want to talk to me about something other than Lainey.
So, what's up?
It's about Lainey.
Oh, come on, man!
I finally found a way to win her heart.
Please unlock the door. I'm scared.
Just listen for one sec.
Living with Lainey made me realize
how perfect we are for each other,
and once I get her a Patti the Platypus, she'll see it, too.
You think your way in is a Beanie Baby?
It's not the Beanie itself that wins her over.
It's what the Beanie represents.
That Barry's all wrong for her.
For some reason, Lainey thinks
that he's some special, amazing guy, when, really,
he's a spazzy goofus who bought her a talking fish.
But not CB.
Just one problem with your plan, though.
No one can get their hands on that platypus.
There's a Beanie Baby drop going down
in Willow Grove, 8:00 a.m. sharp.
I'm gonna camp out overnight so I can be first in line,
'cause you're gonna cover my last two classes
and run my after-school book club
and then drive Earl Ball home 'cause his Volvo's in the shop
and then, in the morning, just drive him downtown
to pick up said Volvo from the mechanic.
Is that okay?
LAINEY: While CB was hatching his plan to win me over,
I gathered up my students
for Glascott's big Kwanzaa announcement.
Okay, we're finally making
this Christmas concert all-inclusive.
That means we now cover the weeklong celebration
of African and African-American culture
known as Kwanzaa.
♪♪ Kwanzaa! ♪♪
Don't do that.
Sounds like a dude from Mortal Kombat.
GLASCOTT: That's enough.
All right. Let's rehearse.
Uh, Felicia, you take the lead in this one.
But I didn't even raise my hand.
Yep, part's all yours.
I already have a part in the nativity scene.
Which I now give to Marni.
You can't do that.
But I did. It's done. Yay!
♪♪ Kwanzaa! ♪♪
Can we, like, talk in the hall right now?
To the hall!
I don't care what you say.
You can't make me do this.
Please! It's really important.
To you, maybe.
But they're just gonna laugh at me.
And that's why it's your job to teach them
what Kwanzaa's all about.
Why is it my job?
I'm in high school.
I just want to fly under the radar
and not embarrass myself.
The fact that you find Kwanzaa so embarrassing
is the exact reason that you're doing this.
We finally have an all-inclusive holiday show,
and you need to be proud of it.
Oh, you are such a hypocrite.
You're just excited because now it includes us.
What about Reza? You didn't add anything about Diwali.
Only 'cause I haven't heard of it
until this very second,
but thank you very much, because now it's in.
You sure you want to take this on?
Squeezing four holidays into one show is gonna be tough.
You think I can't handle four holidays?
I have ideas for 16 Sole Brothers sequels.
Do not pitch me your lame movie right now!
I mean it!
It makes no sense.
We angle on Naval Captain Jeffrey Sole...
Please! Come on!
...and his identical twin brother
David Alan Brothers.
I will do Kwanzaa.
But mark my words, you will regret it.
Thank you. And I'm choosing to ignore that threat.
And, again, if you would just read the screenplay...
...it explains in flashbacks how they can be brothers.
LAINEY: As Glascott got Felicia to join his quest for Kwanzaa,
CB was ready to battle for my Beanie Baby.
You got this, Chucky.
Get the Beanie, be the hero.
Get the Beanie, be the hero.
(SURVIVOR'S EYE OF THE TIGER PLAYS)
Elite athlete coming through, baby!
(MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS)
Come back, you animals.
I got you. (GRUNTS)
Rick, what are you even doing here?
Coop told me you were camped out in line,
which reminded me I had to snag a Christmas present for Toby.
But I waited all night.
How do you arrive last and then beat everyone?
Took years of hard work, CB.
You see, when I was but a boy,
I wandered into my local gym for the first time.
There, I saw...
Yeah, I don't need to hear the whole story.
Please tell me you grabbed a spare platypus.
Oh, Toby's over Beanie Babies.
Instead, I got him this bad boy.
Turbo Man? (CHUCKLING) The hell is that?
Only the coolest action figure of the year,
as seen in the upcoming holiday hit "Jingle All the Way."
Yeah, I don't know about that, man.
It stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad.
Okay, forget about Turbo Man.
I need your freakishly fast roadrunner legs
to get me that Beanie Baby when the new shipment arrives.
You want me to come back to this madhouse?
Here. Just take a Turbo Man. There's a shocking amount left.
I don't want Turbo Man.
What about Lieutenant Dan Taylor from "Forrest Gump?"
"Cape Fear" fun for all ages.
"Can't Hardly Wait," Seth Green?
"Get off my train!"
Who makes these?
(AS MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY) "Alright, alright, alright."
Okay, please stop.
It's got to be Patti the Platypus, okay?
I thought you hated Beanie Babies.
Okay, truth be told?
I'm doing it for love.
I love love.
This changes everything.
Okay, this might sound crazy,
but if I get her this Beanie Baby,
maybe she'll see that I'm the one who can make her happy.
It is crazy.
But so is love. Let's do this.
LAINEY: The next day, Mellor and CB waited
for another shot at Patti the Platty,
all in the name of love.
Oh, God. There's a bigger crowd here than yesterday.
Are you sure you can outrun all these people?
CB, look at me.
I'm gonna get you that bag of beans,
and nothing, nothing is gonna stand in my way.
Hey! It's Coach and BJ!
LAINEY: Thanks to Felicia's defiance, our Christmas concert
was about to add a few more holidays.
Okay, good news. Diwali has also been added
into our all-inclusive holiday show.
Sounds good, Reza?
♪♪ Diwali ♪♪
Why don't you take a walk?
Okay. So, we're good.
We got a little Kwanzaa, we got some Diwali.
(CHUCKLES) This is gonna be the best holiday show ever.
I actually did some Internet surfing,
and we are far from all-inclusive.
Which is why I have a list of other holidays, like, uh...
The Feast of Seven Fishes, St. Lucia, Boxing Day.
(CHUCKLING) Boxing Day. Awesome. I love "Rocky."
(AS SYLVESTER STALLONE) "Yo, Adrian."
(AS STALLONE) Yo, Ronnie! Consider all of it in!
What about Krampus?
(NORMAL VOICE) What is a Krampus?
He's, like, this half-goat demon
that punishes misfit children during the holiday season.
If we're doing Krampus, then I want the Yule Cat.
My Grammy's from Iceland,
and that's her favorite holiday story.
The Yule Cat eats kids who haven't received
any new clothes to wear before Christmas Eve.
Okay, sounds unnecessarily punitive,
but tell Granny it's in.
Ooh! Uh, can we add in Festivus, the holiday for the rest of us?
No! That's from "Seinfeld."
No, it's real now.
My dad makes us gather around the Festivus pole
for the airing of grievances.
This sounds like a lot of work.
Why don't we just go back to the original play?
Okay, I see what you're doing.
You're suggesting a bunch of lame-butt holidays
so I'll give up on Kwanzaa.
Did you just call Diwali a lame-butt holiday?
No, no, no! They're all equally big in the butt department.
Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and Diwali
and the demon-goat thing
and your granny's Icelandic snow cat who eats naked kids.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Okay. Is that the bell? Well...
Good luck, Uncle J.
LAINEY: While Felicia turned Kwanzaa
into an avalanche of holidays for Glascott,
CB faced his own disaster.
Why are you here?
To buy a Christmas present for Lainey.
It's a platypus.
What about the Barry-cuda?
Decoy. Only problem is, Detroit loves their Beanie Babies,
and they're all tapped out.
Luckily, my lazy-eyed nerd brother, Adam,
says this store always has the goods.
Wow. That's so weird.
That platypus is the exact same Beanie Baby
I'm here to get for CB.
It's not weird. It's actually very normal.
Can you be a pal and sit this one out?
I'm doing this for love.
Again, so weird, because CB is also doing it for love.
You know what? We don't have to talk about it anymore.
In fact, you know what? We should go.
But you said this Beanie Baby is the only way to get
the girl you love to realize she's dating the wrong person.
She's got a boyfriend?
Please don't root for me.
Sounds like a total dingus.
Hey, guys, can we open that (BLEEP) gate?
(EYE OF THE TIGER PLAYS)
MELLOR: It's go time!
Go, go, go, go. Go, go.
Run, Rick, run!
(MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS)
(SCREAMS) My unbreakable ankle!
We need a doctor!
Leave me! Go get your Patti the Platty!
Your ankle's swelling! I've got to get you to the ER!
I've got an injured American gym teacher!
I'm helping, too. I have his shoe.
LAINEY: While Coach was in bad shape, Glascott and Wilma came to see
how the all-inclusive holiday show was shaping up.
♪♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
♪♪ Jingle all the way ♪♪
♪♪ Seven days of Kwanzaa
♪♪ Kwanzaa, eh ♪♪
♪♪ Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay
♪♪ Diwali's here for five great nights ♪♪
(TO TUNE OF EYE OF THE TIGER)
♪♪ Box, Boxing Day
♪♪ A day to box
♪♪ Boxing Day
♪♪ It's the day of the boxing, it's the Boxing Day
♪♪ But it's not the Rocky kind of boxing
What's the deal with Festivus?
♪♪ It's when lords give their servants
♪♪ New, shiny gifts
♪♪ In a box on a day, so it's called
♪♪ Day of boxing ♪♪
All hail Krampus, horned king of holiday darkness!
While Glascott realized he may have wrecked the holiday show,
CB was hoping Mellor's ankle wasn't wrecked.
I don't know why, but I feel like this is partially my fault.
Maybe you feel that way because every part of this is your fault!
I need a new ankle because you wanted a bean-filled platypus.
I would never even have asked
if I'd known that Barry was gonna be there,
getting the same darn Beanie Baby
for the same darn girl.
Darn girl who?
Lainey who, what?
You know who, what!
Are you telling me I need a new ankle
because you wanted to break up my friend and the love of her life?
What is wrong with you?
Lainey would never leave Barry.
That dude's the best.
Yeah, well, everyone says that, but I just don't see it.
Well, you gotta get to know him!
I do know him.
He's immature and clueless and dopey,
and, honestly, I don't even understand
how that assclown became a doctor.
Good news, Coach. Took a peek at your file.
Seems like the doctor on call thought he saw a fracture,
but the cortices are intact,
so it's just a ligamentous problem.
Okay. Those are the words of a very skilled doctor.
You probably think I'm just some clueless, dopey assclown.
(CHUCKLING) What? No.
My whole life, I always made a bad first impression.
I get nervous around new people,
and then I overcompensate
by calling myself Big Tasty and rap and nunchuck.
This is all very self-aware.
All thanks to Lainey.
She's the first person I could be myself around.
But now that we went through this together,
Now you get to see the real me.
He good. I like.
Anyway, it's just a bad sprain. No need for surgery.
Sweet Lord, you saved my ankle's life!
My ankle will never forget this kindness, Doc Barry.
For the patient's helper.
I'll go get you discharged.
You were saying?
(INHALES DEEPLY) I see it now.
That amazing bastard is the best guy ever.
Why didn't you just tell me this was about Lainey?
You could've avoided this whole mess.
I'm sorry. I guess I just wanted to believe that I had a shot.
But I get it now.
It's time to move on.
LAINEY: As Glascott was making some last-minute changes
to his show, I had a few of my own.
Okay, I stayed up all night writing a few songs,
but we're good to go on Australian Christmas.
Australian what's happening?
You didn't hear?
Ronnie's super upset
'cause we so cruelly left out the holiday of his people.
Ronnie's from South Philly, and his parents own a hoagie shop.
There's no way he's Australian.
Not to mention, Australian Christmas
is just Christmas.
Classic Wilma, so closed-minded.
Thankfully, Felicia came directly to me
so I could address the issue.
Felicia? Okay, wait.
No, she's right. I'm super closed-minded.
Please tell me all about
how they celebrate the holidays down under.
Legend tells tale of Kangy Dundee,
the magical kangaroo who hops into town,
bringing with him a pouch full of fresh shrimps off the barbie
to give to all the good boys and girls.
And if you're naughty?
Then you get cold Vegemite
with nary a cracker to spread it on.
(PITCH PIPE BLOWS)
♪♪ They call him Kangy, Kangy Dundee... ♪♪
Stop. Just stop.
Felicia was messing with you to get at me.
How could you not know this?
'Cause, I'm open-minded to all races and cultures,
and I'm very bad at this, John!
Shame on you.
Playing on Lainey's desperate need
to not be looked at as an intolerant white lady.
You were supposed to give up when I said Boxing Day,
but you refused to back down.
'Cause this is important.
I know you want to fly under the radar,
but you can't live your life like that.
Your grad-school degree?
Do you notice anything?
It says your name is...Andre?
When I went to Vassar, our program only had
two black grad students in it...
John Glascott and Andre Jones.
Let's just say people got us confused.
It felt easier to just laugh it off
than to speak up.
But soon enough, everyone actually thought
that my name was Andre,
even my professors
who wrote my recommendation to work here.
You mean everyone here thought your name was Andre?
Only for 12 years.
Then one day, I snapped.
My name is not Andre.
(VOICE BREAKING) My name is Jonathan!
And I love you, Lunch Lady Bernice!
That day kick-started a whirlwind two weeks
with a woman that I was not ready for.
While this is a bummer story,
what exactly does it have to do with me?
Because I want you to stand up and be proud of who you are,
not laugh it off and fly under the radar,
like I did.
That makes sense.
Well, doesn't matter now.
We're going back to our old Christmas concert,
because our all-inclusive show is a disaster.
(YOU GOTTA BE PLAYS)
Maybe we can still give it a shot.
Just, with a tad less "Rocky" and puffy Seinfeld shirts.
It's fine. You don't have to do Kwanzaa for me.
Look, I didn't want to stand out,
but if that leads to me losing a part of myself,
I'm not gonna let that happen.
And I'm also part of the problem
when I get all awkward talking about this stuff.
No more, sista.
Let's go spread some holiday cheer, huh?
♪♪ Try and keep your head up to the sky
♪♪ Lovers, they may cause you tears
♪♪ Go ahead, release your fears
♪♪ Stand up and be counted
♪♪ Don't be ashamed to cry
♪♪ You gotta be... ♪♪
LAINEY: That night, we put on the best holiday show
the school had ever seen.
Even though the idea was
for everyone to learn about our holidays,
we all ended up learning something more important.
When you set aside your differences
and learn to embrace them, you can accomplish anything.
♪♪ All I know is, love will save the day
♪♪ Herald what your mother said ♪♪
Here ya go. Fresh from the oven.
I'm gonna get out of here, give you guys some alone time.
You sure you don't want to hang?
No. No, you, you two have fun.
You got some presents to open, I see.
Is this what I think it is?
Uh, I hope so.
Oh, my God!
How did you find this?
He waited all night
at the Willow Grove Mall to get one.
You were right.
He really is the best, once you get to know him.
LAINEY: Sometimes in life, you have to make big sacrifices,
even if it means letting go
of the people who mean the most to you.
But in the end, the people you love most
will always know you care.
For tracking down that Beanie Baby.
That was all Barry.
He really would do anything for you.
Merry Christmas, Lainey Lewis.
Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown.
♪♪ You gotta be wiser
♪♪ You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough ♪♪
Let me open it. I'm in the Christmas spirit.
Look, he got me sand darts!
WOMAN: These are the Furbys!
Connect Four. Thank you!
Thank you, Santa, wherever you are.
BARRY: Who's this Lainey Lewis I've been herring about?
She's the gill of my dreams.
Every day, I thank cod I met someone like you.
♪♪ Oh, my marlin
♪♪ Oh, my marlin
♪♪ Oh, my marlin Lainey Lewis♪♪
Gah! Yeah, this one sucks.
I'm so lovesick that I need to see a heart sturgeon.
I just want to say I love you.
Why? For the halibut.
I have such strong eelings of love for you.
Eel. Get it?
It's the snake of the sea.
Let me do this over.
How do you stop recording on this thing?
Damn it, it won't turn off!
I think he's done.
Babe, my love for you is more delicious
than a nicely grilled branzino.
It's a mild white fish.