Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Comedians That MADE SIMON COWELL LAUGH! | Top Talent

My name is Alex Hooper from Los Angeles, California and

Tell me why events to show this year. I just want to inspire the world through happiness positivity and comedy

Hi Alex, we'll look you've got about two minutes. So good luck. Thank you

Before I begin I'd like to acknowledge your host Tyra Banks

Tyro I truly admire your courage

It must be so difficult to host a show like this and still find a way to make it about you

Somebody get his ass. Oh

That was just an appetizer

Howie

Mandel yeah a Canadian

Judging America's Got Talent. What happened? Did they already find all three talented Canadians?

I'm so glad you're here. I've always wanted to know what a big toe would look like if it were a person

With Bobby's world let's move on to spice world

be

Scary spice. Hey, the only thing scary about you is your solo career

Heidi klum, you are

Magical for children and your body looks as though you haven't paid attention to any of them

Hi dear, you are a natural beauty. Why does it look like your face went through a Sephora? Sample sale? Oh my god

Getting to him

I'm confused didn't we form this country to get away from Brits like you?

Peasants

But Simon from all of us thank you for fixing your British teeth those things are so straight and white

They were just awkward positions and Trump's cabinet

Good evening. Good evening. What's your name? I'm Mickey Mickey. Yeah, where you from darling?

I'm from the beautiful city of Leeds

How old do you Mickey I'm 36, do you have a day job or is this your full-time job?

I am a part-time primary school teacher

Enjoying your food

Yeah, you got away, you know

The stage is yours Mickey go for it. Thank you very much Cheers

This is called the absolutely amazing song. Yes

about travelling around Europe

Oh...

that rhymes ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Like I'm off to Paris in a Yaris this next song

I know this is supposed to be a comedy routine, but I've suffered loss recently

So I just want to get this off my chest I am

Joel I'll play the song so that I've got a bit emotional talking about it dude. I

Can't believe I've lost you

Can't believe you've gone

I Need you to know that

You did nothing wrong

First time I saw you

Just hanging there

the checkout lady said you want to buy one of these

And I said

All right, don't

You were my bags

Carry bags

And

Apprise

You cost almost 10 cents and I only used you twice

The other bags I use compared to you were slack

Always feel that the handle strap is gonna

Happen to you a lot as well

Thank you very much

Well done Vicki Simon, what did you make that out? It was silly but it was fun. I like the first song in particular

Oh, thanks. I'm a quick one, but very very very funny

very observational and I was particularly choked up but the beggar

Phalanx man, yeah, I know. It's off my controller

What was really funny was seeing him and having to explain to Simon? What a bad life

1981 I got it in the end

Hi Becky, hello Simon, we really really enjoyed your first audition of all the comedians

We had you were the one I remembered now. I know you nervous what's going through your head?

Well, you know, just hope the jokes turn out good. The audience likes it

There's four dollars in it for every one of you who laughs

You

Viki I always ask this question million dollars, what would you do with the money?

I'd buy a trailer in Malibu so I could be closer to you

That's a good answer. Okay. Well can't wait to see what's gonna happen next. Good luck. Thank you so much

Thank you so much I got a new outfit do you like it? Thank you feel like it. Thank you

Thank you. I shop local I did I found this at the hospice thrift store of Beverly Hills

My daughter she's like mom, that'd sound grounds Hospice. Yeah, what if somebody died in it?

At least she died sexy

I mean, I'm kind of clueless, you know, but it seems to me kids today are a little bit entitled. Am I right, right?

Okay

So my daughter turns 16 and she says mom, I want to go to Coachella and I want you to get me a hotel room

Listen to yourself a hotel room. I mean if you can't find a guy who can afford a van by now

I grew up my mom and her friends. They partied 24/7, you know, they always always brought flasks on field trips

Okay, right. So I go on my daughter's first field trip. I take my flask, right?

I'm not gonna get on a bus full of first grader sober not not on ever. Okay. I

Take on my flask, you know, I'm a little sip

And all the other field trip moms. They just go ballistic. They're like, she's got a flat. She's got a flat

You know like I'm some kind of terrorist, right?

when we calm down the odds

I'm not driving this bus

But I feel bad few young moms, I wouldn't want to be a young mom today not for anything

The pressure is unbelievable, right? You got to teach your baby to read

My baby Vincent Aniston today what your stupid little baby read

My baby to read I don't want my baby crawling around going what's past do

Shut up baby shut your little baby face

Thank you guys for dollars

What's your name? My name is Samuel Jake AMRO. I'm a stand-up comedian. Oh wow

How long?

I've been doing comedy for 10 years. Now. Do you do it full-time? Yeah do it full-time

Okay

Are you nervous? No, I I have Tourette syndrome. So I switch the lab

I'm blink real fast my head flops around if you see that it's kind of cute

Thank you

What does this mean to you coming to AGT now this means everything I've worked my entire life for a moment like this

They don't come very often. I'm really grateful. It. Just had a baby girl, and this is a beautiful opportunity

Wow and your family is all supportive of this career, yes, since I started they've been 100% behind me so very thankful

Well, you know what? It's scary enough doing whatever you do to hit that X and I just want the best for you

I really do. Thanks so much. Go ahead

I WANT TO EAT YOY ALIVE LOL GIVE ME YOUR MONEY

It's like I said, I have Tourette syndrome, it's why my hair flops around I blink real fast, it's weird

It always looks like I'm trying to tell you a secret

This switch gets me in trouble. My roommate came home from work I was like, doh our neighbor died

He said did you kill him

Yo, this is a true story when I was 10 years old my parents sent me to tourettes camp

Yeah, that's where the joke should end

It's a real place and I didn't realize it till this moment

But I found out that when other people twitch it makes me twitch more

So on the first day they put us in a circle with a hundred kids

The kid next to me did a shoulder roll and my Tourette's saw that and took that as a challenge

And I threw him a head flop

The girl next to him did a full body twitch and everybody saw that in all hell broke loose

Kids were rolling on the ground. I was in the corner like why they send us here our

Parents were on top of the hill like all their breakdancing

I'm saying LJ camera. Thank you

Hello, my name is Robert

III I just turned 30 11 years ago, so

If it's your job would you have a normal job I teach tiny little primary school channel to music as well

So I do that which isn't this

Okay best of luck

All right

so

um wait

Basically, I've written a song specifically for for you which makes me nervous and also I'm slightly nervous because got something called. Dyslexia

Which is which was very good for music because when I was young I taught myself the piano

Although it's not so good as I'm older. I recently tried to book tickets for Rihanna my book tickets for Ryanair

Thank you, I've got something called Asperger syndrome, which means I'm a genius

No, it's nice to be here I've had a bit of a rough week I've actually moved into a flat with was my boyfriend

yes boyfriend gay

And and autistic two ways. I can't think straight and

When I do I swear a lot so I've got to be PC

I've done a song which is literally be see because it's about computers and

I have done it three times and each time people have laughed. So if you don't you're wrong

Thank you George for me working in a computer shop I

Work in the computer shop maker Kabuto bright and clean

So much crumbs and vomit and don't ask what's on the screen. I do half the work judge

Double the time you would want a job like mine. If you would find the things I find I'm cleaning of Microsoft Windows

David Walliams wanted to update his content reminder. He brought me a massive ring binder, but when I looked all the contacts were from Grindr

Was another case she said the picture of his

Office was to lovely

Amanda Holden was the only one who's in scrum was on the mark. She said her outfits have so much spark

I said I'm just jealous. I'll never dress like you because I don't shop

Simon Cowell's Facebook was round the bend. He brought it to me to try to mend. It wasn't broken. He's just got no friends

Cleaning

Oh

Hello, hey Doc, what's your name, please? My name is Preeti Lawson. I love that and how old are you?

I'm 25, I turn 26 in two hours

Are you single married? I have a girlfriend you have a girlfriend she's dope. Yeah

And what do you do for a living? I'm a stand-up comedian, which means I'm unemployed and I do stand-up on the side

All right best of luck

All right, I

Got a motorcycle I don't like telling people

I have a motorcycle cause every time I tell someone they always gotta tell me a story about how the friends crashed on a motorcycle

You know, like why do people have to be so negative? I don't go up to pregnant women telling them my dad left

So annoying so annoying

I walked at my apartment one time right? I walked in my apartment and my neighbor walked up to me

She's like, oh my god. You got a motorcycle. Are you Cyrus? Are you sorry you better be careful

I got in a car wreck the other day. My car flipped eight times. I'm looking to be laughs

Blitzie black by the way

Around this is like, you know those that is crazy. This your car flip eight times you alive

You are blessed, you know, and now I'm over here thinking who the heck counted right like

Who's that called when their cars flipping in it?

My name is Bridget, thank you so much. I appreciate it. That's that

Preacher can I have just one more joke

Aha

All right. I don't feel safe driving with my grandma because she's rid of spiritual

She loved the Lord to the poor, but she's not afraid of dying. So I don't like that. All right, I

Don't like beating Karla someone that's not afraid of death

Okay, like here she got that attitude like if I'm going to heaven so I don't matter

Like it does matter cuz I'm in the car, okay

This our spiritual my crown is if I got shot in the chest with a gun eight times instead of calling the ambulance

She would get on her knees praying like please Lord Jesus I get these demons. I sign my grandbaby's chest

We left our borders rise up and part ways from his chest black mode to do the Rammstein

Justice Wayne

Lil John 3:16

Hello, my name is Lee and for obvious reasons, I'm also known as the Lost Boys guy

Okay, and how long have you lost your voice? I?

Just knew you were going to ask something that I hadn't thought about

beforehand

So, please excuse the awkward silence while I type out my answer

I've been speechless for 37 years. Well, tell me why you decide to enter the show the ship I

Think I entered Britain's Got Talent for the same reason everyone does

to meet Ant & Dec

This is all going so well up until that point the stage League is yours

Hello ladies and gentlemen as

You may be able to tell I'm a struggling stand-up comedian who also struggles to stand up

To be honest, I'm not sure how good I am

I'll leave that for you to decide but

Just so you know, if you don't laugh but the disabled guy you are going to help

Well, I realized I'd never be able to talk again I was speechless I

Have lived in Newcastle all my life

Yes, but for some reason I still hadn't picked up the accent. I

Can see that some of you are trying to figure out where you know me from

Maybe it would help if I started saying phrases such as the next train to arrive as background

Where is the tone?

Box

And from my time at the post office, please go to cashier number day I

Got the train here today, I

Always like to sit in those seats for disabled people. I

was about half way here when another disabled person got on and asked me to move I

Didn't realize I'd be playing disabled Top Trumps when I got on or I would have dress more special

Needless to say I didn't give up my seat

Who cares if he was both blind and deaf I?

Was there first?

It was very awkward. He couldn't see that I was still there and

I couldn't tell him I wasn't moving because I can't

Before I leave you I have one more thing to say I

Hate that we have so many

politically correct words to describe disabled people now

It's all special needs

special schools

special olympics, I

Don't know. What is so special about me

That is why it always alarms me when I hear about special forces going to war

You've been a fantastic audience

Goodbye

Hi

Hi, welcome to America's Got Talent

Thank you. How are you feeling today?

I'm

Okay

Okay, what's your name? Where you from? I'm Oliver graves, and I'm from Santa Rosa, California

How old are you?

I'm 32 and

What are you gonna be doing for us? I am a stand-up comedian

Is that what you do? Yeah

Are you in a relationship or married?

um

No, I'm not I'm single. I think this guy's perfect for you

Why?

I think we should just that Oliver do what he's gonna do

Okay, go for it

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day well not if you're poisoned

Then the antidote becomes the most important meal

I'm trying to find the woman of my dreams, but it's a struggle because I'm an insomniac

I

Tried online dating under be people that say must love dogs. I didn't understand why

Like I want to love a person

But it all made sense once I looked at the faces of the people that were saying that

Dating is really hard for me like compatibility wise like like I'm a Virgo so that means

Yeah

That means I'm only compatible with people that are really naive and believe in horoscopes. I

Traded in my car to get my interest rates lowered it worked women are less interested in me. I

Once had my identity stolen

It's okay they gave it right back

Thank you

You're so different you're humble and real and dark is everything that I absolutely love

From the moment, you walked out your visual your your and your cadence and everything and you're smart and you're bright

I think you didn't get the reaction you expected. So you're not used to this are you know, that is that what you're crying. I

Don't get booked on a lot of shows

You know enjoy your free time right now because you are gonna be a busy man