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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Monique Marvez Not Skinny Not Blonde • Part 3 | LOLflix

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WOMEN APOLOGIZE FOR THEMSELVES.

WE TALK MEN OUT OF US.

IF A MAN LOVES YOU, THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IN THE WORLD.

MY FRIEND ANDREW CAME UP TO ME.

HE GOES, I WANT YOU TO TALK TO CAROL.

THAT'S THE WAY MEN KNOW THEY CAN TALK TO ME.

I SAID, WHY?

HE GOES, SHE USED TO WEAR ALL THE HOT LINGERIE, YOU KNOW, THE GARTER BELTS.

WE USED TO DO IT ALL THE TIME, CRAZY POSITIONS.

NOW SHE'S ALL SELF-CONSCIOUS.

SHE'S ALL NERVOUS.

SHE WEARS, LIKE, T-SHIRTS, TURNS THE LIGHT OUT.

IT'S A BUMMER.

TALK TO HER.

SO, I SAID, CAROL, WHAT'S THE DEAL?

WHAT'S THE DEAL?

WHY HAVE YOU STOPPED WEARING THE LINGERIE?

AND SHE'S LIKE, WELL, I'VE HAD TWO KIDS, I'VE GAINED A COUPLE OF POUNDS, I HAVE SOME VARICOSE

VEINS OVER HERE, I HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF HAIL DAMAGE, YOU KNOW.

I'M LIKE, I SAID, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THAT MAN ADORES YOU!

HIKE YOUR CHUNKY ASS UP AND LET HIM PORK YOU STANDING.

COME ON, GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

HE LOVES YOU.

THEY DON'T SEE US THE WAY WE SEE US.

THEY SEE US THE WAY THEY FOUND US.

DON'T TALK THEM OUT OF YOU.

IF A MAN LOVES YOU, THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IN THE WORLD.

SEE, WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN, WE CAN TALK OURSELVES INTO A MAN, AND WOMEN ARE MEAN SOMETIMES.

THEY GO, MEN ONLY WANT YOUNG WOMEN.

YOU HEAR THAT ALL THE TIME.

MEN ONLY WANT YOUNG WOMEN.

THEY ONLY WANT THIN WOMEN.

THEY ONLY WANT BLONDE WOMEN.

I AM NOT YOUNG, I AM NOT THIN, I AM NOT BLONDE.

I GOT THE CUTEST BOYFRIEND EVER.

BUT MEN WANT, DO.

HE'S HE'S GORGEOUS.

I MIGHT SHOW HIM TO YOU A LITTLE LATER.

HE'S AROUND.

I, UH BUT BUT I SAY, A MAN WANTS WHAT HE WANTS, BECAUSE MEN ARE FORCED INTO A SEXUAL HONESTY

THAT WOMEN ARE NOT.

THE WOODY DOES NOT LIE.

A MAN CANNOT GO IN THE BATHROOM AND GO, SHE'S FROM A GOOD FAMILY.

SHE SEWS ALL HER OWN CLOTHES.

HE'LL JUST LOOK UP ALL LIMP AND GO, SEND FINGERS AND TONGUE IN.

I'M NOT MOVING.

YOU KNOW?

I'M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, WHEN A MAN WANTSYOU, HE WANTS YOU.

HE DOES, YOU KNOW?

CAN I ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION, SIR?

YOU, 54 YEARS?

I MEAN, I WILL UNDERSTAND, BUT DO YOU GOTTA POP A LOT OF THE BLUE PILLS TO DO THE BUSINESS,

SIR?

NO BLUE PILLS!

HA!

PROOF, PROOF, PROOF!

SAY IT INTO THE CAMERA, NO BLUE PILLS.

I WANT IT, IN THE CAMERA.

NO BLUE PILLS.

AND SHE'S NODDING, ALL PROUD.

OH, NO. AND I DON'T NEED ANY HELP EITHER.

I'M MOIST AS A BUNDT CAKE.

OH, NO.

WE, I'LL SHOW YOU THE TRAIN TRACK MARKS ON MY ASS RIGHT NOW.

NO BLUE PILLS.

BEAUTIFUL.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE WOODY DOESN'T LIE.

I THINK, IN A LOT OF CASES NOT ALL CASES, BUT A LOT OF CASES, THAT BLUE PILL SAYS, I

HATE YOUR GUTS, BUT I LOVE THIS HOUSE.

BEAUTIFUL.

YOU MADE MY NIGHT.

YOU GUYS GIVE ME HOPE.

ADOPT ME, PLEASE.

SO, I'M GONNA GET BACK TO YOU, LITTLE BLONDE GIRL, 'CAUSE YOU'RE WITH YOUR MAN.

YEAH, YOU'RE WITH YOUR MAN WHO PICKED YOU.

I LIKE YOUR WHOLE DEMEANOR.

YOU'RE A CLASSY GIRL.

YOU'RE INDEPENDENT AND INTELLIGENT, BUT CLASSY.

THERE'S A NEW BREED OF YOUNG GIRL UNDER 25 THAT'S A SPECIAL KIND OF SKANK I HAVE NEVER

SEEN IN MY LIFE.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

A SPE, SEE, MEN ARE HUNTERS.

YOUR GUY HUNTED YOU.

YOUR LITTLE DUDE HUNTED YOU, YOU KNOW, WITH HIS LITTLE SPEAR WITH THE SIX HAIRS ON IT,

HE HUNTED YOU.

BECAUSE MEN ARE HUNTERS.

THAT'S WHAT I TELL THE GIRLS NOW.

I TELL MY YOUNG GIRLFRIENDS, I GO, LOOK, I'M NOT TELLING YOU TO BE MANIPULATIVE OR OLD-FASHIONED

OR PLAY GAMES, BUT A MAN IS A HUNTER.

THERE'S A NEW KIND OF CHICK THAT WEARS THESE ED HARDY TANK TOPS, AND THEY WEAR THESE GIANT

PLATFORM SHOES, AND THEY NEVER EAT, AND THEY GOT THE WOBBLY LITTLE LEGS AND THE TANK TOP

AND THE LONG BLONDE HAIR EXTENSIONS TO KEEP 'EM WARM, 'CAUSE THEY'RE SO HUNGRY, 'CAUSE

ALL THEY EVER AND THE ONLY THING THAT EVER GOES IN THEIR MOUTH IS A COSMO, TIC TACS,

AND RANDOM SHLONG, AND THEY JUST AND THEY JUST WANT THEIR THEN THEY'VE GOT A TRAMP STAMP,

WHEN YOU SEE 'EM BY THE POOL, YOU KNOW, AND THEY'RE LIKE, OOH.

BEJEWELED FLOSS UP THEIR ASS.

OOH.

LIKE THAT.

EVENTUALLY, THEY FALL OVER.

THEY'RE ALWAYS TEXTING EACH OTHER AND LOSING THEIR BALANCE, 'CAUSE THEY'RE TOO HUNGRY TO

FUCKIN' TALK, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE JUST...

AND THEY YOU KNOW, THE WAY YEAH.

I CALL 'EM THE WET KITTENS.

YOU'VE ALL SEEN THE WET KITTENS.

AND I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.

THERE'S A LITTLE PART OF ME THAT'S JEALOUS OF THE WET KITTENS, 'CAUSE THEY HAVE A SEXUAL

FREEDOM I NEVER KNEW.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE PUTA, BUT MY MOM SPIED ON MY ASS. AND YOU SEE THEM, YOU KNOW, AND

THEY'RE JUST LIKE AOOH LIKE THAT.

OOH, LIKE THAT.

AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.

A MAN, DEEP DOWN IN HIS HEART, DOES NOT WANT A PROMISCUOUS WOMAN...FOR LONG.

BECAUSE WOMEN ARE NOT WIRED TO BE PROMISCUOUS AND MEN ARE NOT WIRED TO LIKE IT.

WHEN GUYS DATE STRIPPERS I'M BACK TO YOU, BEARD BOY.

YOU TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU TELL YOUR FRIENDS IT'S GONNA BE A PROBLEM, BECAUSE IT'S NOT

NORMAL.

I'M NOT JUDGING.

IF YOU'RE A STRIPPER, I'M NOT JUDGING YOU.

IT'S A JOB.

YOU GET A 10-99.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT IT'S NOT A NORMNO LITTLE GIRL WAKES UP AND STRETCHES AND GOES, I'M GONNA BE A STRIPPER.

NO, THAT'S BALLERINA GONE BAD, OKAY?

THAT'S GONNA BE A PROBLEM.

AND I TELL THESE YOUNG GIRLS, GUYS ARE HUNTERS, YOU KNOW?

IF YOU'RE THAT GIRL, IF YOU'RE THAT DRUNK, THAT OH, I'M SO DRUNK!

GIRLS GONE WILD.EEH!

LIKE THAT, THAT'STHATI MEAN, A GUY'LL SNIFF YOU, YOU KNOW?

POKE YOU AROUND AND SNIFF YOU, BUT YOU'RE JUST SEXUAL ROADKILL.

SHE IS SO ADORABLE.

SHE'S LIKE, DON'T LOOK AT ME ANYMORE.

I'M NOT A TRAMP.

I'M A GOOD GIRL.

I CAN TELL.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SWEETHEART?

SARAH.

SARAH.

MAY I ASK HOW OLD YOU ARE?

20.

20.

SO, YOU'RE A KID.

YOU'RE A BABY.

YEAH.

I MEAN, YOU WERE TEN YEARS OLD WHEN SEX AND THE CITY CAME OUT.

YOUR WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN THAT SORT OF, YOU KNOW, IT'S A DIFFERENT WORLD NOW.

YOU HAVE SO MUCH FREEDOM.

YEAH.

I MEAN, GIRLS NOWADAYS, THEIR WHOLE LIFE IS JUST DICK AND SHOES, DICK AND SHOES, DICK

AND SHOES, YOU KNOW?

I THINK THAT'S WHY WOMEN ARE CRAZIER THAN THEY'VE EVER BEEN BEFORE.

WE HAVE UPPED THE ANTE ON CRAZY.

WHAT WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MA'AM, WITH THE WHITE HAIR?

MARIAN.

MARIAN.

A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, MARIAN.

IS IT SAFE TO SAY THAT YOU'RE OVER 38, MARIAN?

YES.

AIR QUOTES.

AIR QUOTES, MARIAN.

AIR QUOTES.

SAFE TO SAY.

OKAY.

SO, YOU REMEMBER A TIME WHEN WHEN WOMEN WERE NURSES, SCHOOLTEACHERS, IF YOU LEFT THE HOUSE

AT ALL, IF YOU WEREN'T A STAY-AT-HOME MOM.

IT WAS A DIFFERENT WORLD, RIGHT?

ABSOLUTELY.

SEE?

SHE SAID, ABSOLUTELY.

I THINK THAT'S WHY WOMEN ARE CRAZIER THAN EVER, WOMEN CAN DO ANYTHING, AND I THINK THAT

CONFUSES US, BECAUSE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT YOU CAN'T DO EVERYTHING.

LADIES, YOU GOTTA FOCUS, OKAY?

WE ARE MAKING OURSELVES CRAZY.

WE THINK WE HAVE TO BE PERFECT.

YOU'RE NODDING.

YOU UNDERSTAND.

YOU WRITE A CHECKLIST AND FREAK YOURSELF OUT.

YOU RUN AROUND, TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH THINGS.

MEN AREN'T LIKE THAT.

MEN ARE ZEN.

THEY LIVE IN THE MOMENT.

THEY'RE TOO LAZY AND HORNY TO REGRET THE PAST OR FEAR THE FUTURE.

THEY LIVE IN THE NOW.

LOOK AT MIKE, CLAPPING.

YES.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SAY LAZY.

LET ME SAY SIMPLE.

SIMPLE, MONO-FOCUSED.

THEY'RE MONO-FOCUSED.

IS THAT BETTER?

BETTER, MIKE?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, GORGEOUS?

TAMARA.

OKAY, TAMARA.

ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE OVER-ACHIEVER, PERFECT SOCCER MOMS WHO HAS TO DO EVERYTHING JUST

RIGHT?

I'M GETTING BETTER.

NO.

THAT IS SUCH A LIE.

SHE SAID, I'M GETTING BETTER.

I COULD ALMOST HEAR YOUR ASS PUCKER WHILE YOU WERE LYING TO ME.

NO, YOU'RE LYING TO ME.

TAMARA, LOOK ME RIGHT IN THE EYE.

BABY, YOU CAN ONLY FOCUS ON FOUR THINGS AT A TIME.

AND DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL THAT I SAY FOUR, AND I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE FOUR THINGS IS A

LOT OF THINGS.

PICK FOUR THINGS.

MEN CAN ONLY FOCUS ON TWO, AND THAT'S IF YOU COUNT TITS AS ONE, OKAY?

[cheering] I MEAN IT, TAMARA.

YOU NEED TO LEARN TO RELAX, SISTER.

I CAN SEE YOU'RE NERVOUS.

YOU THINK TOO MUCH.

THAT'S THE BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH WOMEN.

WE THINK CONSTANTLY.

AGAIN, WE WANT THAT APPROVAL, WE WANT THAT SUPPORT.

WE THINK ALL THE TIME, 'CAUSE WE TRY TO MAKE OURSELVES USEFUL.

'CAUSE BACK IN THE CAVEMAN DAY, THERE WAS A FINITE AMOUNT OF FUR AND FUEL AND FIRE,

AND THAT'S HOW WOMEN MADE THEMSELVES USEFUL.

WE THOUGHT ALL THE TIME.

AND NOW WE HAVE HANDGUNS AND SHAKE WEIGHTS, AND WE CAN'T STOP.

YOU KNOW, AAH!

TAMARA, LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU.

THE REASON WHY WE GET SO NERVOUS AND UPSET IS BECAUSE WE THINK.

WE READ THESE MAGAZINES AND WE WANT TO DO EVERYTHING THAT'S IN THE MAGAZINE, AND WE

THINK AND WE THINK, AND WE WAKE UP, AND WE FLIP ON THE TURBINES, AND RRR-RRR.

THE RATIO OF THOUGHT TO SPEECH WITH A WOMANI HAVE RESEARCHED THIS IS 15:1.

EVERY TIME A WOMAN UTTERS A SINGLE SENTENCE, THERE WERE 15 POTENTIALS SPINNING AROUND IN

HER HEAD AT A HIGH SPEED.

OH, YEAH.

CAUSING CHAOS.

PICKING UP HOUSES AND COWS.

AND IT'S HARD TO THINK THAT MUCH AND NOT HAVE IT GO TO A DARK PLACE.

RRRR-RRRR-RRRR-RRRR.

15:1.

THAT'S WHAT WHAT I CALL E.G.T.

EVIL GIRL THOUGHTS, OKAY?

IF YOU THINK THAT MUCH, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE EVIL THOUGHTS.

YOU'RE GONNA FREAK YOURSELF OUT.

YOU'RE GONNA UPSET YOURSELF.

THAT'S THE MONSTER OF NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

RRR-RRR-RRR-RRR-RRR-RRR.

SEE, MEN ARE HAPPY BECAUSE THE RATIO OF THOUGHT TO SPEECH WITH A MAN, .5:1.

YOU HAVE HEARD YOUR HUSBAND SAY STUPID THINGS, RIGHT?

OF COURSE.

HE CAN'T HELP IT.

HE'S NOT DESIGNED TO THINK COMPLICATED, CONVOLUTED THOUGHTS.

HE'S DESIGNED TO KILL SHIT AND BRING IT HOME FOR YOUR APPROVAL.

HE'S DESIGNED TO SPRING UP FROM BEHIND A ROCK AND JUST NAB IT.

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S A GOAT OR A PAYCHECK.

HE WANTS TO BRING IT HOME TO YOU, AND YOU SAY, GOOD BOY.

LET ME TOUCH YOUR BALLS.

AND IT'S ON YOU TO UNDERSTAND THIS AND FORGIVE HIM.

HE'S GONNA SAY STUPID THINGS.

D.D.S.

WHAT I CALL DUMB DUDE STATEMENTS.

HE'S GONNA SAY STUPID THINGS.

HE'S GONNA BE IN THE MALL WITH YOU, AND SOME SKANK'S GONNA WALK BY WITH BOOTY SHORTS

JACKED UP HER ASS.

YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE THOSE TOES GRIPPING THE FRONT.

WHAT IS THAT, WITH STRIPPERS, WITH THE TOES?

IT'S LIKE THEY SLEEP, HANGING FROM A POLE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S LIKE, WHAT?

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN WITH THE MOST JACKED-UP FEET, RIGHT?

WITH CHIPPED TOEYOU'RE NODDING, YES, I'VE SEEN THIS.

I DON'T KNOW ANY STRIPPERS, BUT I'VE HEARD.

I DON'T YOU GOT WE GOT SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.

BUT BUT I WAS SAYING, EVEN YOU, AS INTELLIGENT, AS AS AS TURNED OUT YOU KNOW, YOUR SARTORIAL

SPLENDOR, AS FABHE'S LOOKING.

[speaking Spanish] WHAT'S SARTORIAL SPLENDOR?

[speaking Spanish] WHAT I'M SAYING IS, YOU'RE WELL DRESSED.

YOU PUT OUT A NICE VIBE.

EVEN YOU ARE A SIMPLE CREATURE, RIGHT?

WHEN YOU GO TO DO A TASK, YOU'RE IN THE GARAGE.

LET'S SAY YOUR WIFE SAID THE RIGHT THING, AND YOU'RE CLEANING THE GARAGE.

YOU'RE IN THERE, CLEANING THE GARAGE.

SHE PROMISED YOU THE HUMMER, AND YOU'RE IN THERE, OKAY?

IF YOUR MAN IS ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING THAT YOU ASKED YOUR MAN TO DO, LEAVE HIM ALONE

UNTIL IT'S DONE.

WOMEN WILL POKE THEIR HEAD IN THE GARAGE AND GO, AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THAT...

THAT'S LIKE A COMPUTER, OKAY?

TOO MANY PROGRAMS OPEN WILL CRASH THE MAN.

IF YOU WANT THE MAN TO DO SOMETHING, YOU ASK HIM TO DO IT, YOU WAIT TILL HE'S COMPLETELY

DONE AND LEAVE HIM THE HELL ALONE, AND THEN, WHEN HE COMES IN, NO MATTER HOW WELL THEY

ARE HIGH-FIVING EACH OTHER.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR?

RON.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

RON.

OKAY, RON.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

TRACY.

TRACY, WHEN HE FINISHES THE JOB, EVEN IF HE DIDN'T DO IT THE WAY YOU WANT, YOU JUST TELL

HIM, SWEETHEART, IT'S AMAZING.

YOU ENCOURAGE HIM.

YOU ENCOURAGE HIM.

YOU ADMIRE HIM.

HE'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT AFTER A WHILE.

IT'LL BE FUCKED UP THE FIRST EIGHT TIMES, BUT THE NINTH, IT'LL BE PERFECT.

IT'S TRUE.

AND THAT'S THE WAY THEY WANT US TO TREAT THEM.

IT'S THE GOLDEN RULE.

WHEN YOU WALK OVER TO A MAN AND YOU GO, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DECORATE THE HOUSE?

QUIETLY.

I DON'T CARE.

IS THERE A COLOR CALLED ZIP-IT BLUE?

THAT'S THE COLOR I WANT THE HOUSE, ALL RIGHT?

The Description of Monique Marvez Not Skinny Not Blonde • Part 3 | LOLflix