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- Previously on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"...

- Drop your booty! [cheering]

- It's my birthday!

We need to go to ----ing Jamaica.

[cheering]

I got two suites... - Nice.

- One suite holds four girls.

The other one will hold two. - I don't wanna be with Jackie.

- What do you think of all the stories

of Teresa out with this guy?

- If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck...

- So, Jackie's spreading rumors.

(BLEEP) Jackie.

- Come on, ya slowpokes.

Jamaica, mon!

- Frank said some bad things about me.

What bothered me the most

is that you wouldn't, as my friend, say,

"Actually, you have her wrong."

- Well, honestly, she said today

she just doesn't consider you, like, a friend.

[dramatic music]

- If you can't take the truth...

Ah! Sue me.

- As I always say... Hey!

Plastic makes perfect.

- Mirror, mirror on the wall,

I don't think I look 40 at all.

- Don't let the minivan fool you,

this mom won't roll over for anyone.

- Behind every strong man

is a stronger Jersey girl.

- If you rub me the wrong way...

Bang! There'll be no more namaste.

[bright instrumental music]

[suave electronic music]

♪ ♪

- Good morning. - Hi, baby.

- Look at this. You wanna see this place?

- Let me see it. That's gorgeous.

- How do I look?

Nah, that's all you get.

Whoa! [both laugh]

♪ ♪

- Hi, cutie. What's going on?

- The dog is attacking the glass.

- Aww, my baby, she misses me.

Bella? Bella!

She doesn't miss me.

♪ ♪

[phone line ringing]

female voice: Your call

has been forwarded to an automated...

- Oh... - Voice messaging sys--

- [sighs] Typical.

[line ringing]

- Hi.

- I'm fat.

I just keep eating all day, and I love it.

- Hi, sweetheart.

What kinda sandwich are you eating?

It looks good.

Yum. How are the girls?

Everybody's good?

- Oh, me, Melissa, and Dolores are going to the beach.

Margaret, Jackie, and Jennifer

are going horseback riding in the ocean.

- I've done it already, when we went to Punta Cana,

and our horses were humping each other.

We were terrified. [chuckles]

- Hi, babe. - Hi, how are you?

- Tell me about my babies. How was school drop-off?

- Uh, we got in the car, and then I dropped them off.

- That's the way I like it, safe and boring.

- You having fun? - Yeah, it's all right.

Teresa and I kinda, like, saw eye to eye last night...

Are we ready to let go of all that sh--?

- Yes, yes, yes. - Yes? All right.

But I feel like I can't go away with these women

without something ----ing aggressive happening.

- What are you talking about?

- Dolores started just tearing into me.

- Dog with a bone. Let me explain dog with a bone.

- No, I just wanna make sure. Don't call me dog with a bone.

- Well, I will now. - I don't like that.

- That just shows that Dolores doesn't know me at all.

♪ ♪

[knocking on door]

- Oh, hi. - Good morning.

How are you doing this morning? - Good.

Is this everybody's breakfast? - Yes.

- Thank you.

♪ ♪

- Hey, girl. - Hey, honey. Can I come in?

- The door's open. Help yourself.

- You excited for your beach day?

- I am. You excited for your horse day?

- There's only one horse I ride, baby,

and that's the one I got at home.

[both laugh]

So, did you have fun last night?

- Yeah, I had fun, but, let me tell you,

you dropped the bomb.

- Hello, you're talking to the queen of foot-in-the-mouth.

I wasn't trying to hurt Jackie or make Dolores mad,

but, listen, when I drink, I'm a truth teller.

So, if you don't want me to open my mouth,

then don't give me those five shots of tequila.

Maybe just two shots.

- Listen, me and Jackie had words,

but I'm over it, I really don't care,

because I'm able to let things go.

I feel like Jackie's in the habit

of bringing things up that she shouldn't.

- You really feel like

your husband would be in jail right now

if you could control what he did?

- Then you were telling the girls,

"If it looks like a duck, talks like a duck,

what the (BLEEP) duck, (BLEEP), quack, quack ----ing duck."

- When you're a real friend, you don't perpetuate rumors.

But if Teresa's willing to forgive her,

then let's all move on from this.

- I just don't want people fighting on my birthday.

- Whatever. I don't wanna argue with Jackie.

You know, I have nothing to prove.

- We had a late night. - What'd you do?

- We were doing a rum tasting.

They had all different ages of rum.

So, Teresa was, like, adamant

she had to try the 21-year-old rum,

so, of course, the Marge making her jokes...

She likes the minimum age of 21, Teresa.

She doesn't like jailbait.

- [laughs]

- Teresa didn't want the young rum.

She wanted the old rum.

It didn't even ----ing click to me

about the cheating rumors.

Don't give the Marge a cocktail.

Sh-- comes out.

I thought it was ----ing hilarious.

- We all just looked at Margaret,

like we couldn't believe she said that.

- No, she didn't say a ----ing word.

- [laughs]

- But anyway, what are you doing tonight?

- Playing poker. - Where you doing this?

- We're gonna go to Bill's house.

- All the girls are gone. What are we gonna do?

- What are you thinking about, doctor?

- Poker, baby. - Poker.

- I want to find out if that Bill Aydin's naughty.

- [laughs]

- But if you do something naughty,

you're in trouble.

- Tere? - Yeah?

- Melissa? Breakfast is here.

- Come on, ladies.

- Good morning, beauties.

- Sexy Melissa Gorga. - Good morning, Dolores.

- Well, that is a good morning to ya!

- David doesn't even walk past me and grab me like that.

I'm gonna ----ing go out with Melissa Gorga.

- Hi, guys! - Morning, sunshine.

- Hi!

- I need coffee. There's no more cream?

- No, there's cream right-- in one of the...

- There wasn't a lot. - Oh, there wasn't.

We gotta call the place. - Oh, my God, I need cream.

- All right, listen, I'm gonna go get dressed

and check on Margaret and Jackie.

I will see you guys-- - Why you have to check on 'em?

Are you their ----ing nanny?

- I just wanna go say hi.

We're on vacation together-- - Go ahead.

Go. You don't have to explain. Go, go.

- This bitch is crazy.

She either hates me or wants me up her asshole.

- I know.

- Jeez, you can't make these Italians happy.

You know what I mean? - [laughs]

[suave music]

- I'm not even hungry, but maybe I'll have a plum.

[knocking on door]

Who is it?

- Melissa Gorga. - Oh, you look adorbs!

- Thank you. Look at you, you little sunflower.

- What's going on? I miss you terribly.

'Cause Jackie sleeps with earplugs,

and she doesn't hear me.

- I like it in here.

Ugh, I got my period. I'm, like, dying.

The first two days for me, that's why I'm saying,

I think I should be fine getting pregnant.

I'm not sure,

but I've been thinking about having another baby.

- No way. - What?

- By the way, I am still in live shock.

- Why is everyone so in shock over this?

- Because I'm out with you,

and we're, like, professional party girls.

I just can't imagine you having a baby,

unless the baby's gonna be little international baby girl.

- Little international superstar.

[both laugh] - Right? I mean...

Not that I wanna talk you out of it.

If you really want it, go to the doctor...

It's an insurance policy. - It is.

- Hi. - Hi, lovey.

- Hey, baby doll.

Wait, I'm wearing a yellow bikini today too.

- Oh, my goodness, we always

have something similar going on.

- I know, I know.

How are you feeling? - I feel good.

I got, like, a good night's sleep.

But to be honest, like, I know it's Jennifer's

birthday weekend, and we're fine,

but I feel like she started some sh-- last night.

- I think Jennifer has diarrhea of the mouth.

- But until last night, I felt like

Dolores and I were friends.

Dolores can be rough around the edges,

but I thought that there was a softer side to her...

- Jeremiah, this is Jackie. - Hi.

Aww. - He calls me Aunt Dolores.

- But maybe that side is just an act.

So, I'm just disappointed, 'cause I liked her.

- But I think Jennifer was really drunk.

- No, no.

The truth is, yesterday, Dolores was saying,

"We were raised one way,

and you were raised another way."

- All our moms taught us was family.

Jackie's mom raised her to be free, liberal.

It's so foreign to me,

I couldn't be close with her for that reason.

- I really don't appreciate that, actually.

She doesn't even know me.

Who the (BLEEP) is she to say how I was raised?

If I went to her and I said,

"Dolores, the way that you were raised..."

she would go ----ing bananas.

- You're right.

- Dolores has a lot of rules.

You can't talk about family, can't talk about husbands,

can't talk about children.

Well, how about you can't talk about the way I was raised?

How about you add that to your list?

- What I find bizarre is that Dolores would think

you can't be friends

with someone who's different than you.

- We're all different. That's why you're you, I'm me.

- I don't even know what to say because I would like to think

that Dolores isn't that judgmental.

I mean, are you gonna say something to Dolores?

- I'm gonna go meet them right now on the beach.

I'm gonna clarify with Dolores, like, how she means--

like, is it a bad different?

Like, what kinda different?

- I'm sure it's not a good different.

But on the plus side,

me and Teresa had a little breakthrough.

- I saw that. - It was good.

- P.S., Teresa didn't seem to know what I meant

when I said "jailbait."

- I can't believe you ----ing said that.

- Did she say anything? - She didn't say anything.

- Good. - Oh, really?

Okay, so let me teach you what Teresa Giudice is.

She takes 12 hours to process something,

and then it comes back later.

I could be wrong, but, like,

don't be surprised if you get a random phone call, like,

"What did you mean by that?"

- Oh, my God.

I mean, Jesus, everybody has to read into everything.

- If it were me who said that sh--,

we would've had a full-out war.

- Oh, my God, if it was me, I'd be in the middle

of the ocean with a brick tied to my legs.

- [laughs]

- Coming up...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Listen, I'm a girl who likes it easy.

I don't like a good pounding like that.

- [screams]

[suave music]

♪ ♪

- I haven't ridden a horse in a long time.

Is it "rode" a horse or "ridden" a horse?

- "Ridden" a horse. - Hey, guys.

- Hi. You look adorable.

- Let me see that ass in this. Very nice.

Dr. Aydin, good work. - Very cute.

- Shall we go?

- I love an activity. - Yeah, an activity.

When we're active, we're not fighting.

- Right? - True that, yeah.

- Hello. - Hi, good morning, love.

- Can we all sit in the front? - Yeah.

- Thank you.

♪ ♪

Look how cute this little town is.

- We're so excited. We're going to ride horses.

- When was the last time you rode a horse?

- I've never ridden a horse. - Really?

- I am not an athletic person.

I was always the one that got picked last.

They're very powerful creatures.

I would be scared to.

I was the one that, like, hid from the ball,

which is kind of ironic, because, with five kids,

I'm constantly ducking

every time they throw something,

because they are savages.

But they are my savages, and I love them.

I wanna ride, like, a soft pony.

- Right, I always grew up going to camp,

so at, like, camp, we always rode horses.

- Horses in the water, I think is super exciting.

- Like, what do they do? Do they do the doggy paddle?

I don't know.

- You know, for all the sh-- that Jen stirs up,

she actually is really fun to be around.

- Do they do the horsey paddle? Maybe they go like this.

- Well, they're not swimming, right?

- I don't know.

[smooth electronic music]

- Where's Melissa? - I don't know.

I--[chuckles] - Whoo! Sorry.

Didn't expect that.

Whoo.

♪ ♪

- [gasps] Whoa! [laughs]

Holy sh--!

Damn, it's like a wind tunnel around here...

- I know. It's so nice. - It's crazy.

- Hi, how are you? - Hi, how are you?

- Are you ready for your beach excursion today?

- Yes.

- I'm actually excited to go to the beach.

- Me too. - Me too.

I need to get more than my tan on.

It was a long winter for me.

That's why the cover-up... - Me too.

- Will stay on to--what?

Oh, yeah, I'm talking about being fat, though.

You went through a lot. - Okay, ladies, we're here.

- All righty then.

Thank you.

- Beautiful. - Look at that blue water.

It's not like the Jersey Shore.

- Uh, no, I would say this is not the Jersey Shore.

- The men tonight are gonna be getting together.

- Yeah. I was telling Bill.

I was like, "No strip poker."

And he was like, "Why would we wanna strip

in front of each other?"

I'm like, "Oh, true."

- [laughs]

- Is that... - Hi.

Thank you.

- Hello. - Hey.

I made a reservation for horseback riding.

- My name is Desrick. - Okay.

- I'll be the one making sure

you guys have a wonderful day today, all right?

- Thank you. - You get a life belt.

- What's a life belt?

- In case you fall off the horse, you just float.

- All righty then. - Okay.

- Make your way this way.

All right, here we go. Put it around.

- Why'd you give me the extra large?

I mean, what are you trying to say?

- No, this is not a large, this is a medium.

- Let me see how it looks. - It matches your outfit too.

- You ready to have some fun? - We're ready.

- Oh, yeah, we're ready. - All right.

- Ooh, it smells like doody. Ugh, oh, yeah.

- Those guys will be your horseback guide.

- Okay. Ugh, I don't wanna step in any horse sh-- in bare feet.

When I booked this beautiful excursion,

I pictured white, sandy beaches

and my hair flowing like Margaret of Arabia...

I like to get the whole vibe going.

Not another sh-- show.

[horses chuffing] - Scoot forward.

- Oh, he's a stinker.

Pray for me, Jackie.

- Gentle, horsey. - Gentle.

- All right, don't pull. Relax your hands a little.

- Relax the hands? - Yeah.

- Okay. What's your name?

- Nigel. - Nigel.

Protect me, Nigel. - All right, let's go.

- Oh, he's pooping in the water!

Oh, he's pooping in the water!

Oh, sh--.

There's sh-- in the water!

- Teresa would be saying "no bueno" right about now.

- Welcome to Bamboo Blu. - Oh, thank you.

I'll have vodka cranberry and a splash of orange juice.

- Do you have, um, piña colada?

- Yes, we do. - I'll have that.

- Anything for you, my lady?

- Water, please. Ice water with lemon.

- Oh, my God, we're on vacation!

- The peer pressure.

All right, I'll get a vodka. - Sure.

- I like this. This is us, you know?

We're all Jersey girls to the heart.

- It's how we grew up.

Remember being in that shore house with all those girls?

They were ----ing nuts.

- Something about going to the Jersey Shore,

you just get wild.

The Jersey Shore was, like, my stomping ground.

- Dance-off! Dance-off! - Look at Joe and Melissa.

- They might be the hottest couple.

- So ----ing hot.

- It's like, good hair, good tans,

the girls all have their nails did.

- Pizza boxes all over,

liquor bott--ugh...

- Condoms. - Condoms? [laughs]

- I'm just saying, a lot of hookups.

I mean, now I'm a little sophisticated for it,

but I can't say I wouldn't join it again one or two more times.

- I'm glad we did this.

I mean, not that I wouldn't wanna go on the horseys.

But I like this better. - "The horseys"?

- She said, "The horseys." [chuckles]

[horse chuffing]

- Is that my horse or is that your horse?

- Would be yours.

- Mine? - Yep.

- Jennifer, how are you doing?

- My horse is grunting. I think he's in a bad mood.

He's like--[mimics grunting]-- "Get me out of here."

- All right, hang on, it's gonna get bumpy.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Listen, I'm a girl who likes it easy.

I don't like a good pounding like that.

You Jamaican boys are too rough.

- Oh, my God, my crotch is numb.

[screams] I'm holding--

[yelping]

- Jennifer fell off! Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God, Jennifer fell off.

- [screaming]

- I feel really bad for Jennifer.

All I'm thinking is,

"Oh, my God, there is horse sh-- everywhere."

- [screams, chuckles]

- She's swimming in sewage.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

I mean, she's definitely gonna have to get an antibiotics

when we get out of the water.

- I'm okay!

This is so much fun.

Let's never do it again. [screams]

I think I swallowed some poo water.

[horse chuffs]

[laid-back music]

- Oh, hi, thank you so much. - You're welcome.

- Wow.

That looks really good. - This looks amazing.

Cheers, my girls.

- To our beautiful beach day.

- So, has Joe called you today? - Yeah, this morning, yeah.

They're supposed to make a decision

about the appeal any day now.

I hope it's a good outcome.

I want it to be a good outcome for my daughters,

'cause they need Daddy home.

Like, Audriana, she's nine.

He's been gone since she's six.

- She missed a lot of years with him.

I'm gonna ----ing start crying right now, I'm serious.

Like, I... [sighs]

Obviously, you're fighting very hard

for him and for your daughters,

but do you think he's gonna win?

- I wanna know what you guys think.

- I really want him to come home,

but I do think they're gonna make an example out of him.

- Look, I just got the chills when you said that.

- I'm sorry.

- I just wanna be happy again.

It's like, I haven't been happy in so long.

- You know what I think's gonna happen for you?

I feel like, whether it be with Joe or not with Joe,

I honestly feel there's a -----ing rainbow at the end.

[solemn music]

I would never say to Teresa, like,

"Hey, you're not gonna end up with Joe."

But my gut feeling

is that Teresa is gonna end up moving on.

- It's been really dark the past five years.

- It has been dark.

It will be super hard, and it is scary,

but it's also full of possibilities,

and I want her to start imagining that.

Let's get off this subject.

I don't want to make a sad beach day.

- Yep. - Let's get another drink.

I mean, I'm sick of you bitches not being drunk.

We're on vacation.

- I'd like to get a buzz on. - Well, then get it.

- All right. - Okay, already.

- Let's start right now.

[laughter]

- Coming up...

- Margaret's pissing me off right now.

She's like a clogged toilet with all her ----ing bullsh--.

Maybe she should get her ----ing plumber

to ----ing clean it out.

[suave music]

- Thank you so much. Thanks, lovey, thank you.

- I don't ever wanna be on a high horse again.

- That was a lot of fun, though, I'm very proud of us.

- For you.

It's all fun and games until you're swimming in horse sh--.

I have to wash my hands, my face, my mouth.

I'm filled with horse-pooed water.

- That was crazy-- ooh, Jesus.

- Let's go sit. We'll get a drink, ladies.

- Mm-kay.

- Well, that was interesting.

- How was it? - It was fun.

- It was fun? - Fell in the water.

- She fell in the water. - Fell in the water?

Oh, my. - But I'm okay.

- All right. I got some drinks for you guys.

I got this special, the jungle juice.

- Oh.

- I'm gonna have a Red Stripe Light.

- I'll have whatever it is you--the jungle gym.

- Sure, all right. - "The jungle gym."

- It's my birthday. - Thank you.

Is tonight the official birthday dinner?

- Yes.

And then tomorrow night, I'm gonna be saying

some jokes at dinner.

Doing impersonations, it's, like, what I do.

- I think when we go away, 'cause Jennifer's coming,

maybe we can have a comedy night.

- Wait, wait, wait, funny jokes or offensive jokes?

- No, I'm gonna try to keep it clean.

- You're gonna keep it light? - No, don't keep it light.

- Virgin piña colada. - Virgin, thank you.

Ooh, beautiful, I love it in a pineapple.

By the way, last night's dinner

went totally awry, right?

- Mm-hmm.

- To be honest, Dolores said some under-the-belt things.

I don't love the feeling that I consider someone a friend,

then I find out that they don't consider me a friend.

- I feel bad for Jackie the way her and Dolores are arguing,

'cause Jackie really takes it to heart.

- I mean, that was definitely the thorn of the night for me.

- Dolores doesn't take it to heart.

- Besides that, I felt like

Teresa and I finally had, like, a breakthrough.

I don't think that Teresa and I will ever be best friends.

- Why do you say that?

"I don't think we'll ever be friends."

I feel like you're starting it off with a negative--

- No, I'm realistic.

Like, me and Margaret, me and you,

I can talk to you guys

about what's going on in your life, right?

I can't do that with Teresa.

Do you really feel like you could be like,

"So, what's really going on with Joe,

and how do you feel about it"?

- I have actually discussed it with her.

How's he feeling?

- He's just taking it day by day.

And it's sad for the kids, you know...

- Oh, my God.

- I feel like I could never cross that line with her.

That's why it's hard to imagine getting close to her.

- Listen, it's obviously hard for her

with Joe's legal battle.

It's emotionally draining on her.

If the rest of your family is falling apart and sad,

you have to be the strong one, right?

So, she has a lot of people to put up a good face for.

- Totally.

- Sometimes I think, like,

I relate to Teresa a lot in that level,

because, you know, the legal system isn't always justice.

- And she's got a lot of legal fees, right?

- Of course.

You know, the stress that it causes.

You know, I'm under tremendous stresses about my legal fees.

But I'm like, "You gotta pick yourself up."

- Do you mind me asking, like-- - No, not at all.

- What are you being sued for?

- It happened in 2014. It's going on for years.

You know, I'm in licensing. I don't make my own product.

One of my licensees did something with a whale on it,

and Vineyard Vines accused me of stealing their logo.

Vineyard Vines sued me for a lot of money,

and one lawsuit could really cause a snowball effect

and almost wipe you out.

I had to file for bankruptcy in my business.

I'm still paying the last $100,000 I owed to them.

I have a lot of people to take care of:

my family, my employees.

It's been very, very, very stressful.

- Oh, my God.

- But you gotta pick yourself up.

I mean, I don't have half that stuff.

My husband's not being possibly deported

or anything remotely like that.

But I know that feeling

that everything could be ripped out from under you

in two seconds, right?

[cheerful music]

- You guys ready for a little Jamaican lunch?

- Hello, ladies. - Hi, how are you?

- All right, so, this here is our lunch menu.

- I already know what I want.

Um, I'll have jerk chicken with vegetables.

- Sure. - I'll have grilled chicken.

- I'm gonna do the salad and the grilled chicken sandwich.

Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Let me tell you something,

we got the better deal today, what we chose to do, right?

- Yeah, I know, I'm so happy we're here.

- Yes, I agree, I'd rather be doing this right now. [laughs]

- I wonder how they're doing.

You saw them this morning, right?

- Yeah, I stopped by their room this morning,

just to check it out, you know.

I will tell you this,

I think Jackie's a little insulted

that you feel like she's not your friend.

- Oh, my God. She is so worked up.

I literally woke up this morning like, "Whatever."

- Yeah, but she harps on things.

- Listen, I think she's confused

as to why you think she's different than us,

because of her upbringing.

And she didn't like that at all, and, to be honest,

she feels like if anyone ever said that to you,

you would, like, lose your mind.

- You know what, I can't deal with that sh--.

- You really don't like her.

- I don't know, there's just sh-- about Jackie that bugs me.

Jackie's so sensitive, I think she's fragile,

and I've given her a lot of ----ing slack, Melissa.

- I honestly don't think Jackie's that sensitive

or fragile at all.

I mean, Dolores was raised not to let anything bother her,

because showing emotion makes you look weak,

and to me, that's weak.

Well, listen, she's pissed. Margaret's mad too.

- At me? - Yeah.

- Margaret too? - Yeah.

- For what? - Why is Margaret mad?

- 'Cause she doesn't like that you're judging her.

- Wait a minute, like,

did you guys catch what she said about me?

I mean, why would she throw out that dig last night

about the 21-year-old rum?

- I went, "Oh, my God, what is she saying?"

- Like, you don't just say things like that.

What does she do, go after her ----ing friends?

She went after Danielle. You better watch out.

Maybe next, she's gonna come after you.

- Well, I do think she was making a joke.

- Did I ever make a joke about her and Joe? No.

You don't just say things like that.

You ----ing think it. She's very smart.

- Joe said Teresa was gonna explode,

and here we go.

- Honestly, Margaret's pissing me off right now.

She's like a clogged toilet with all her ----ing bullsh--.

Really. No, I'm not kidding.

Maybe she should get her ----ing plumber

to ----ing clean it out.

- I just expect more from Margaret.

- By her making that comment, she has no respect.

Like, that was disrespectful.

- Oh, sh--, I wanted to have a nice dinner.

[dramatic music]

Coming up...

- Stop making judgments about me,

'cause you don't know sh--, all right?

- Okay. - That's why we're not friends.

- I don't consider it a loss, Dolores.

- Okay, Jackie.

[hip-hop music]

- Hi, baby.

You're looking for your tooth? You lost it? No!

How about if I find it later,

I will bring it back to the house?

Is that okay?

[knocking on door] - Hello?

- Hey, Joe. - Hey.

- Ready for guys' night?

- I'm ready. - [laughs]

Welcome.

- How are you? - Hi.

- Olivia, why don't you go find your sister?

- See you later. - All right, come on in.

We're gonna miss those ladies,

but it's nice to have the guys together for once.

- Come on, we're not gonna miss them that much.

- Hey, big Frank. - How are you, doc?

Do I need to check in at the front desk?

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

So, what, are we ready for a drink?

- Hello? - Joe!

- It's like the Taj Mahal over here.

- How are you, baby? - How are you?

- All right. Welcome. - Take your jacket off.

You hanging out, or you going--where you going?

- I didn't wanna freeze.

I didn't know how cold it was gonna be.

I'm old, remember? [laughs]

- That's why Marge is in Jamaica without ya.

- You can't keep up with her? Jeez.

- Actually, I'm the problem in the house,

'cause I'd like to have sex every day.

- Wow. - Listen, I'm 63.

I could probably go for two to three times a day.

- Well, I could go eight times a day.

- Is that, like, once with your wife

and seven times by yourself?

[laughter] - If that's what it takes.

[doorbell ringing]

- I think the food is here.

- Dude, you are 63, you're going three times a day.

- Give me five, man. That's my ----ing man.

- That is impressive, man.

- I'm hungry. Let's eat, come on.

- What are we doing with Evan? - I think Evan's gonna be late.

So I texted him to let him know

to come straight back to the pool house.

- All right, so, let's do it.

♪ ♪

- So, your wife complains that you're in here

all by yourself all the time.

She's convinced that you have a girlfriend.

- Do you see the cameras?

How am I gonna sneak in a girl in here?

- This is beautiful. - Oh, look, he's all set up.

- We may not be in Jamaica... - I wish we were.

- But I think we can certainly enjoy ourselves just as much.

- We got chopsticks in there? - Oh, yeah, we do.

- Aha! Evan! - Hey!

- How are ya? - Good to see you.

- Dude, I hope you're hungry, man.

- Oh, I'm starving. - There's plenty of food here.

- Let's do some shots, let's play some cards.

- Let's do it! - Go.

- There we go. Salut, baby. - Salut!

[indistinct chatter] - Whoo!

Look at the doctor. Look at the doctor.

- Oh! - Oh, sh--.

- So Joe, Jen tells me

you got her drunk at Melissa's birthday.

You were, like, giving her shot after shot.

- Three shots of tequila. - Three shots of tequila.

- Quick, before her husband comes.

- I gotta tell ya, last time I got some was that night.

- Are you serious? - See what I did for you, bro?

Hey, give me five. - Thank you.

- See, Melissa was like, "What is wrong with you?

It's all you want."

See, I like what you do.

Once a month. You keep her wanting it.

- I don't know about once a month,

but it's almost that rare.

- I have to have sex at least five days a week.

You gotta release that poison.

If you don't release that poison, you're not happy.

You must jerk off every day, right, Billy?

- [laughs]

- Anyone that's banging once a month

has definitely got something wrong in their marriage.

- All right, let's play some poker.

- So, has anybody

been talking to the girls since they're away?

- Unfortunately. - Of course.

- There's some degree of drama going on.

[suave music]

♪ ♪

[blow dryer hissing]

♪ ♪

- My birthday dinner!

My birthday dinner! - Your birthday dinner.

- Yay!

[knocking on door] - Hi, you decent?

- Hi, lovey, yes. - Oh, you are so pretty.

- You look so pretty. I love a girl in leopard.

- [chuckles] I feel a little wild tonight.

- I know.

All those female hormones all together. Jesus.

- Just do me a favor, when we sit down,

just, like, help me avoid sitting

either across or next to Dolores...

- Okay.

- 'Cause that'll just be very awkward,

and I wanna have a good time tonight.

- I agree.

♪ ♪

- Are they in the van already? - Let's wait for the girls.

- No, let's wait for them. - Okay.

- Man, it's my birthday. Say what?

- I love how she gets when she drinks.

- Hi, lovelies. - Hi, salsa queens.

- Oh, hi, how are you? - Hi, guys.

- Hi. - Oh, God, okay.

I just gotta fake-smile.

- Hi.

- You know what, if you know you have a problem with me,

face me, sit down and talk to me,

so I know where I stand with you.

I would never be able to wear this.

- Yes, you would. - Good evening, ladies.

- Thank you, hi. - All righty.

I'll get in the back again.

- You wanna sit in the front? - No, I'm good.

- You sure?

- I have claustrophobia. Sorry, guys.

It's not easy for me.

- I'll go in the back. - All right.

- Yeah.

- So, Jennifer, we're taking you to the nicest restaurant.

- I'm sure it's gonna be lovely.

- Let's just see how this goes because Jackie has no idea

how annoyed Dolores is right now,

and I doubt Margaret has any idea about Teresa either.

- Wow, I'm gonna have dinner without my kids.

- How's your hubby doing without you?

- He's good. It's poker night tonight.

- I told Frank not to corrupt anyone.

- [laughs] - And I told Bill, "No porn."

- Does he watch a lot of porn, your husband?

I don't see him as a porn guy.

- Uh, I mean, I catch him every now and again.

- Bill, you watch porn? - That's a good question.

- Have I seen pornographic movies? Yeah.

- Bill, you just took the sexuality

out of it though, man.

"Yes, I watch pornographic"--

no, it's not ----ing, "I watch"--

it's like, "Hey, do you watch porn?"

[laughter]

- So, who's betting? Bets at $10.

- I'm in.

I'm gonna give you the flag of Italy. Here we go.

I'm here to win. Two pairs!

- Oh, you ----ing dick. - Whoo!

- Let's do another shot.

- Let's go, man, load it up, load it up.

- That's good, that's good, that's good.

[coughing]

[laughter]

- I'm ----ing hot, man.

What are you doing, bro? Seriously, bro.

♪ ♪

- Girls, we're here.

[dynamic music]

Oh, thank you.

Wow, this is a cute little spot.

♪ ♪

- Good evening. - Hi, how are you?

We have a reservation for six.

- This way to your table, ladies.

- Are you all right? - Yes.

- Oh, my God.

- It smells good.

both: You like this, Jen?

[laughter] - Jinx!

We're all together. We're on vacation.

- You guys didn't tell me how the beach was today.

- It was nice.

- We laid out, and we had lunch.

- Oh, that's nice. - How were the horses?

- It's a good thing you didn't come.

The water was filled with horse sh--.

- Poor Jennifer, she fell into the water.

- You did?

- And when I fell in, some water went in my mouth.

I was like, "Oh, gross." I started--I started--

[yelling, laughter]

- Oh, my God, ew.

- All right, all right, so, guys, tomorrow,

I wanna swim with the dolphins,

so I made an appointment for all of us to do that.

- Are they gonna kiss me, the dolphins?

- Yes. - Then I'll do the feet.

I don't need to swim with them.

I get water up my nose. It doesn't work well with me.

- [laughs]

- Hello, ladies. all: Hi.

- Welcome to Miss T's, my name is Dekoi,

and I will be your waiter tonight, all right?

- Thank you. - It's a pleasure having you.

You ladies ready to order?

- I wanna do the honey garlic chicken.

- Honey garlic chicken, of course.

- I'll do a salad with dressing on the side.

- Salad, yeah.

- Do you have any good appetizers

that you should bring out? - Yes, we do, of course.

We have a great Stamp and Go. We also have crab bag.

- All right, bring us that. - Of course, why not?

- Can we see a wine list, please?

- All right, we don't have a wine list available now,

but we have some lovely wines up top there.

You can look. - Oh, beautiful, thank you.

- Oh, my God, guys, look at this saying.

I love it!

- Oh, my God. - Look at this.

A sign just for me, right, Margaret?

- "Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old,

as long as she buys him a few drinks first."

Uh-oh.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God, look at this.

- Oh, my God. - Look at this.

A sign just for me, right, Margaret?

- "Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old,

as long as she buys him a few drinks first."

Uh-oh.

[tense music]

- I love it.

At least if I wanted one, I could get one.

♪ ♪

- Teresa, were you offended that I said that?

- Yeah, I was offended.

I was like, "I know Marge always thinks before she talks,

so, like, why would she say that?"

Especially after the articles just came out.

And I'm like, "You know, why would she say that?"

And I'm like, I consider you a friend,

so that's why I was, like, a little disappointed.

I never, like, disrespected you in any way.

- No, I--first of all, I am very sorry.

You know I would never say anything purposely to hurt you.

The truth is, it was off the cuff.

I didn't know the guy was gonna be

serving rum of different ages.

But when I said it, I never even clicked to me

about the article.

But...it was funny.

- Maybe Margaret doesn't think I'm smart enough

to see that she's trying to take a shot at me,

when of course I got it,

and if you think I didn't, then you're ----ing stupid.

- I would admit if I was referencing the article.

I wasn't referencing the article.

- I get it, I get it. - All right, good.

- So, how's the practicing for the roast going?

- Oh, my God, it's good.

- Are you really gonna roast us?

- I mean, listen, I'm not gonna sit there and bash you guys.

- I'm excited for that.

- Ladies, some appetizers to start.

So, this is some chips with some nice sauce on the side.

- Oh, I like that. - Plantain chips?

- Yes. - Oh, nice.

- Good.

- Salad? - Yes, thank you.

- Very good.

[light, funky music]

- Everybody has their food?

'Cause I gotta say something to Jackie.

I told you last night

that if you have a problem with someone,

or you have something to say,

you should go right to the source.

I can't be a hypocrite,

so I have to say something.

I heard today you've been very upset.

- I was very upset. - For what?

- The truth is, yesterday, when Jennifer said,

"She's not your friend," that caught me off guard,

because I did consider us friends.

Then to hear that somebody doesn't like me,

because I was raised differently,

felt like a judgment about something

that I've never spoken to you about,

so, I don't even know what you were saying with that.

- I didn't say it like that.

- What gives you the right to comment

on the way I was raised?

- It's just different.

- Dolores, I'm not going against you,

but I'm just saying, I was raised totally different,

and, obviously, you and I are very close.

- Listen, it's just, we're cut from a different cloth.

And Jackie is not like me

in a way that I would really wanna be much closer to you.

- But what's so different about me?

- Just, when you fight, it just gets on my nerves,

the things that you say get under my skin,

and you get so upset about things

that a lot of people here don't.

- I get more upset than all of you?

When all of you have, fought over, like, everything?

- Welcome back, scumbag!

Things don't change, do they?

- Looks like a monkey's asshole.

- Yeah, a monkey's asshole that you ----ing sucked!

- You should get your ----ing ass kicked.

Who the (BLEEP) are you? - Jen, don't go there.

- You know what, you harp and you dwell on something,

and you don't let it go.

- I don't hold on to things, I don't.

Jennifer and I, we made up pretty quickly.

Teresa and I, I worked on that.

I wanted to get to a good place with her.

And so, I don't know where all this judgment is coming from.

- I'm not judging you. I'm just saying how I feel.

- She's taking it as an insult, Dolores.

- Who gives a (BLEEP)?

She's saying you're not her cup of tea.

It just seems like Jackie's so insecure.

Like, if someone didn't like me,

I wouldn't even give it a second thought.

- And by the way, everyone said the same thing...

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Not just me,

that you are actually different than us in a lot of ways.

- Stop making me feel like it's y'all versus me.

- Melissa, did you say it? She's different than us?

She comes from a different place?

Not cut from the same cloth? Did you say it?

- No, you said that. - Are you ----ing kidding me?

We are not cut from that cloth, none of us.

It's so different and foreign to me,

I couldn't be close with her for that reason.

- The conversation, Dolores,

was how you didn't think she was your cup of tea.

I don't know why Dolores is trying

to make me turn against Jackie.

I actually like Jackie,

and I'm okay with her being "different."

I mean, and unlike Teresa and Dolores,

she doesn't hold a grudge,

and she doesn't say stupid sh--.

- You're judging me. Do you understand how it's hurtful--

- But people judge everybody. - Stop it.

- No, I'm not gonna stop it.

- I wanna talk to Dolores for a second. Just stop.

- No, I know, I'm just giving my two cents.

- Nothing personal, but you're the one who started

the whole thing last night.

- How did I start the whole thing?

- Listen to me,

if you didn't start saying that last night,

she wouldn't know she didn't even like her.

- I thought I was trying to make her feel better.

I don't understand how everything ends up

always being my fault.

How did we get here? Isn't this my birthday?

Isn't it about me?

Hi, how ya doing?

My intentions were good, it didn't work,

and what I said was not a lie.

It was verbatim.

- Jennifer, at the end of the day,

what it comes down to is, I can't coddle somebody

and have them be upset over things,

and then carry it on for days.

- It's been about, like, 24 hours,

but whatever you wanna tell yourself.

- Thank you.

- And by the way, there's people at this table

who keep going with the same thing

over and over and over again.

- I never throw the first punch.

- Oh, come on.

You don't say anything to anybody else,

it's just me,

so I think you only like people who are old school Italian.

- Jackie, what it just comes down to is,

you're just not for me, that's all.

- Can I just say something?

- I'll let you do what you don't let other people do.

Go ahead.

- Stop making judgments about me,

'cause you don't know sh--, all right?

- Can we get another bottle?

- I understand I hit a nerve.

- You don't know sh-- about me.

You're making judgments out of your ----ing ass.

- Okay! - That's why we're not friends.

- This has gone too far.

Dolores is being really rough on Jackie,

and I think anybody would be hurt

by the things that Dolores is saying to Jackie.

- Look at how upset you get.

You know what, Jackie, you're right,

you're not my friend, 'cause I don't know you.

- I don't wanna be your friend. I don't want to be your friend.

- I don't wanna be yours either,

really, to be honest with you.

- I don't consider it a loss, Dolores.

- Okay, Jackie.

- Wait--oh, my God.

- [sighs]

♪ ♪

- You know what, Jackie, you're right,

you're not my friend, 'cause I don't know you.

- I don't wanna be your friend. I don't want to be your friend.

- I don't wanna be yours either really, to be honest with you.

- I don't consider it a loss, Dolores.

- Okay, Jackie.

- Wait--oh, my God.

- Oh, my God, we're yelling in a restaurant again.

[dramatic musical sting]

- I'm done. I'm done.

- You know what, Jack...

[tense music]

- All right, guys, thank you so much.

- Let's just go. We're all menstrual.

- Let's go. - We're going home.

- We're going home.

[solemn music]

- Good night.

- [sighs]

Well, that was authentic Jamaican, what do you say?

♪ ♪

- The last thing I want at my birthday dinner

is everybody going at it...

♪ ♪

But, honestly, I really don't know

how to get Jackie and Dolores back to a decent place.

- Watch your head, watch your step.

- Thanks so much.

♪ ♪

- Are you good?

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- What are we doing? Are we saying good-bye?

Are we hanging out in the room? What are we doing?

♪ ♪

- I think the party's over. Good night.

- All right, bye. - I'll see you tomorrow, bye.

- Bye. - Good night, bye.

- That was so intense.

- I'm exhausted.

- What floor are we on?

[door clicks open]

- I wanna order ice cream.

- No. - No?

- It's late. You don't want it.

- Do you want your rum? - Is it here?

- It's over there.

- Ooh, girl. I'm not drinking that.

That sh-- was like ----ing gasoline.

- [laughs]

- You don't want any? - I'd rather have tequila.

- All right, you and me try a little bit.

- Oh, God. Ladies, we had a night.

- Oh. But it didn't have to come to this.

It was over last night.

And then today, everything gets start--

I was like, "I had enough."

- She, like, drags sh-- out. - Exactly.

And it pissed me off.

- Can I just say something, though?

- Yeah.

- I understand why it hurt her feelings.

Just to hear that someone doesn't like you

or someone doesn't think you're their "cup of tea,"

it's insult--you just--

you know how everybody wants to be liked.

- I gotta say, I felt bad for her,

and I didn't wanna feel like we were ganging up on her.

It's my birthday dinner. She came here for me.

- I think she's insecure, is what it is.

- But you actually, like, hurt her feelings.

- Whatever.

- All right, go ahead. - Thanks, baby.

Oh, my God, I'm so tired.

- Oh, my God, I'm so happy not to have to yell at anybody.

Ugh, I need to, like sit.

I'm gonna chill out for a second.

- My little feets hurt. They're swollen, my ankles.

You wanna undo my little shoes? - Yes, I do, baby.

- Look how swollen my little ----ing piglets are.

They're like split hooves. - [laughs]

- I mean, how is this possible?

- I'm sorry. Can I tell you why I was so upset?

Dolores really tried very hard

to make me feel excluded tonight,

which I didn't appreciate.

You and Melissa are my really close friends.

Don't speak for my friends.

- That is hurtful.

I wish Dolores could see the magic

that Melissa and I see in Jackie.

She's funny, warm.

She is extremely generous.

Dolores should open her eyes.

- Don't tell me I'm not like the rest of you.

What, was I raised in ----ing, like, the jungle?

I'm okay with being a little softer than she is.

Like, if something insults me, like, it insults me.

I'm sorry.

It's like, she comes from this mentality

where, like, nothing's allowed to bother you.

You swallow that sh--, and you don't let anybody see it.

Your man ----ing cheats on you

when you're nine months pregnant,

that sh-- don't ----ing bother you.

And that's just not who I am.

And if you don't like me, then (BLEEP) you.

- I mean, listen, I hear everything you're saying,

but, let's face it, Jackie's a pain in the ass.

So, let's just call it a day.

- I know firsthand what it's like

to take sh-- from Dolores...

- Don't tell me what to do...

- Did I tell you what to do? - Don't tell me what to do.

I'm getting sick of this. - Look at you in my face.

And if tensions stay high between Dolores and Jackie,

our trip is ruined.

- I just had enough. I'm done.

That's my fill of it. Leave it at that.

- Oh, God. All right, should we call it a night?

- Yes, yes. - Do not forget.

We're swimming with dolphins in the morning.

- Yay.

- FYI, tomorrow night, I'm gonna roast your asses.

[dramatic music]

- I hope nobody gets offended.

- Next time on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"...

- [screams]

- [laughs]

- Danielle, she was with Marty. They had sex, yeah.

- What? - I knew it!

- Wow!

- Dolores says she's not gonna move in the house,

unless she has a commitment.

Do you see her moving in or not?

- Oh, that's when we went to Punta Cana.

- Audriana, do you remember a lot of it now,

like, with Daddy and stuff?

- Probably not.

- Joe's appeal got denied.

- He's in trouble.

- Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

- To learn more about "The Real Housewives,"

go to bravotv.com.

The Description of Cut from a Different Cloth