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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Billy Crystal on Hostless Oscars, New Movie & Driving Test

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>> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU?

>> GREAT.

>> Jimmy: IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE

YOU HERE.

AND I'M WONDERING WHAT GOES

THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN YOU COME

INTO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, WHERE

YOU HOSTED THE OSCARS SO MANY

TIMES.

>> YEAH.

>> Jimmy: AND YOU SEE THE STREET

CLOSED DOWN AND YOU'RE

MANEUVERING TO GET AROUND, WHAT

DO YOU THINK OF?

>> HOW TO USE WAZE.

>> Jimmy: VERY PRACTICAL.

>> WE'VE HOSTED BETWEEN THE TWO

OF US, 11 TIMES.

AND THIS YEAR IS ANOTHER NO-HOST

SHOW.

>> Jimmy: NO HOST.

>> WHICH IS LIKE HAVING A TRIAL

WITHOUT WITNESSES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: WHO'D EVER HAVE THAT?

NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING.

>> MOVES FASTER BUT NOT QUITE

THE RESULT THAT YOU WANT.

YEAH.

YEAH.

>> Jimmy: DO YOU THINK THAT A

HOST IS IMPORTANT TO THE SNHOW?

>> YEAH!

DON'T YOU THINK SO?

>> Jimmy: IT SEEMS LIKE IT.

>> IT'S THE TRADITION OF IT.

WHEN WE DID IT, YOU KNOW, I

ALWAYS FELT I WAS IN A LINE OF

JOHNNY AND BOB HOPE.

>> Jimmy: I FELT THE SAME WAY

ABOUT YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Jimmy: IT'S TRUE.

>> BUT I, I ALWAYS LOVED BEING

OUT THERE.

I LOVED THE, I GUESS THE TRUST,

YOU KNOW, THAT THE MOVIE ACADEMY

HAD IN ME TO GET ME OUT THERE.

AND I FELT LIKE IT WAS A GREAT

HONOR TO DO IT.

AND I THINK THAT WHEN YOU HAVE A

SHOW THAT'S AS LONG AS IT IS.

>> Jimmy: MM-HM.

>> THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN.

AND I THINK THE PROBLEM WITH THE

NO-HOST THING PERHAPS IS THAT

THERE'S NOT SOMEBODY OUT THERE

TO CAPITALIZE ON THAT MOMENT.

LIKE YOU HAD WHEN THE WRONG BEST

PICTURE WAS NOMINATED.

>> Jimmy: THAT SHOULD STILL BE

ON RIGHT NOW.

>> YEAH, IF THERE'S NOBODY

THERE.

FOR ME, I HAD, SOME OF MY BEST

MOMENTS WERE WHEN SOMETHING WENT

WRONG.

>> Jimmy: WHAT IS SOMETHING THAT

STICKS IN YOUR MIND ABOUT

SOMETHING THAT WENT WRONG?

>> I HAD TO INTRODUCE A 100-YEAR

OLD GIANT IN THE MOVIE INDUSTRY

NAMED HAL ROACH.

HE CREATED "OUR GANG" COMEDIES,

"LAUREL & HARDY".

AND HE WAS 100 YEARS OLD, AND I

WAS SUPPOSED TO INTRODUCE HIM.

HE WAS SITTING RIGHT IN THE

SECOND ROW.

AND HE WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO WAVE

ON THE OCCASION OF HIS 100TH

BIRTHDAY.

JUST STAND UP IF HE COULD, WHICH

HE DID.

AND JUST WAVE.

SO I SAID PROPER INTRODUCTION,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 100 YEAR

OLD GIANT OF THE MOVIE INDUSTRY,

WE ALL OWE HIM A DEBT OF THANKS,

THE ONE AND ONLY MR. HAL ROACH.

HE STANDS UP.

AND HE WAVES, AND HE HAS NO MIC.

AND THEN HE BEGINS TO TALK.

AND IT SOUNDED LIKE THIS TO

EVERYBODY IN, WE WERE AT THE

SHRINE, GOING THANK YOU VERY

MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I

JUST WANT TO SAY THE DAYS BACK

IN CULVER CITY, WHEN I HAD MR.

LAUREL, AND MR. HARDY, BACK, AND

WE WOULD RIDE DOWN THE BOULEVARD

AND MAKE MOVIES, AND THAT WAS A

BEAUTIFUL THING.

IN 1935, I MET CHARLIE CHAPLIN

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

AND WE HIT IT OFF, AND I SAID,

WHY DON'T WE DO, AND THAT'S HOW

FEATURE COMEDIES STARTED.

THEN CAME THE WAR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> AND HE'S GOING ON AND ON, AND

HE'S GOT NO MIC.

AND SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW IS

OUR FRIEND WARREN BEATTY, AND

HE'S SITTING THERE GOING, AND

THE CYCLOPS IS ON YOU, THE

CAMERA'S ON YOU WITH THE RED

LIGHT.

AND LINES NOW ARE FLYING THROUGH

YOUR HEAD, SAY THAT IS C, DON'T

THAT.

THEN ONE HIT LIKE A SLOT MACHINE

IN VEGAS, AND I SAID IT'S VERY

FITTING, BECAUSE HE GOT HIS

START IN SILENT FILMS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO.

>> IT WAS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS.

YOU PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK.

>> Jimmy: YES, BECAUSE, YOU

CANNOT PREPARE FOR THAT.

THAT'S JUST YOU AND YOU'RE OUT

THERE.

I HOPE THAT HAPPENS AGAIN THIS

WEEKEND.

>> YEAH.

I HOPE, I HOPE THEY GET THE

RIGHT PEOPLE OUT THERE IN CASE

SOMETHING --

>> Jimmy: I HOPE THEY DON'T.

I HOPE IT'S A DISASTER.

>> OKAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: WE HAVE TO STICK

TOGETHER, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THESE JOBS ARE VERY FEW.

HOW'S YOUR WIFE JANICE DOING?

>> SHE'S GREAT.

SHE'S HERE.

>> Jimmy: OH, GOOD, SHE CAME

ALONG?

THINGS ARE GOOD, THINGS ARE ALL

RIGHT?

>> WE STILL ARE TOGETHER.

FOLKS, MY PROUDEST

ACCOMPLISHMENT, WE WILL BE

MARRIED 50 YEARS.

>> Jimmy: WOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

>> I WAS 7.

SHE WAS 6.

IT WAS AN ORTHODOX, YOU SEE THE

THING, WE HADN'T EVEN MET.

BUT WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A

VERY ODD THING THAT HAPPENED TO

US ABOUT SIX DAYS AGO.

>> Jimmy: OKAY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

AND WE DON'T KNOW IT, BUT

OUTSIDE, A SKUNK HAS SPRAYED OUR

AIR CONDITIONING UNITS.

>> Jimmy: RIGHT.

>> SO, YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS

GOING.

SO THE HOUSE, WE BOTH WAKE UP

WITH THIS INCREDIBLY FOUL SMELL,

MY EYES WATERING, SHE LOOKS AT

ME, AND SHE SAYS "WHAT THE HELL

DID YOU EAT"?

I SAID THAT'S NOT ME.

WE'RE MARRIED 49 YEARS, SHE SAYS

"THAT IS YOU"!

SO IT'S A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE,

HORRIBLE SMELL.

SO THE NEXT DAY WE CALL THE AIR

CONDITIONING GUY.

TO CHECK OUT HOW DO YOU CLEAN

THIS UNIT.

AND HE SAYS YOU GOT A BIGGER

PROBLEM THAN SKUNKS.

I SAID WHAT?

HE SAYS LOOK AT THOSE PAW

PRINTS.

DO YOU HAVE A DOG?

I SAID NO.

HE SAYS THAT'S A MOUNTAIN LION.

MOUNTAIN LION.

AND THERE'S LITTLE TUFTS OF FUR

AROUND.

I SAID, DID HE SCARE THE SKUNK

AND I SPRAYED?

NO, HE ATE THE SKUNK.

DO YOU IMAGINE HOW BAD THAT GAS

WILL BE?

>> Jimmy: REAL HUNGRY.

>> SO SORRY I HAD THAT SKUNK.

LET ME SQUAT IN SOME TOMATO

JUICE AND GET RID OF THIS.

SO NOW WE GOT THIS POTENTIAL,

YOU KNOW, MOUNTAIN LION.

AND, YOU KNOW, TERRORIZING THE

NEIGHBORHOOD.

AND WE'RE TERRIFIED.

SO WE GET THESE CAMERAS THAT ARE

NIGHT VISION CAMERAS THAT ARE

MOTION CONTROLLED SO IF ANYTHING

WALKS IN FRONT OF THEM IT TAKES

A PICTURE.

>> Jimmy: MM-HM.

>> TWO NIGHTS AGO, YOU WANT TO

TAKE SEE A PICTURE OF A MOUNTAIN

LION?

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS GUY.

IS AND HE'S WEARING A MAGA HAT.

>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.

>> NOW HE'S GOT TWO STRIKES

AGAINST HIM.

>> Jimmy: THIS REALLY IS A

MOUNTAIN LION.

>> YEAH.

YEAH.

>> Jimmy: YOU NEED TO MOVE!

THERE'S NO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING

TO DO?

>> JANICE SAYS LET'S GET A DOG.

SAID YOU KNOW WHAT A DOG IS TO A

MOUNTAIN LION?

AN APPETIZER.

>> Jimmy: A DOG IS NOT

REQUESTIGOING TO

HELP YOU.

>> LISTEN, I LIKE DOGS, I HAD A

DOG AS A KID.

BUT AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE, I

TRAVEL A LOT.

IF I'M HOME AT NIGHT LATE AT

NIGHT, AND SOMEBODY'S GOING -- I

WANT IT TO BE MY WIFE!

[ APPLAUSE ]

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN, HAVE YOU

EVER SEEN ANYBODY LOOK HAPPY

WHEN THEY'RE WALKING A DOG?

>> Jimmy: NO.

>> THEY DON'T!

THEY DON'T, THEY LOOK MISERABLE.

THEY'RE WAITING FOR THIS THING

TO CARPET BOMB.

AND, YOU KNOW, AND YOU COULD BE,

I DON'T CARE.

DOESN'T MATTER HOW POWERFUL YOU

ARE, HOW MUCH MONEY, YOU COULD

BE A LAWYER, THE HEAD OF A

COMPANY.

YOU COULD BE THE QUEEN.

WHEN YOU'RE WAITING FOR A DOG TO

DO THAT, YOU'RE WORKING FOR THE

DOG.

>> Jimmy: 100%.

>> YOU COULD BE THE POPE, BUT

YOU'RE STILL A DOPE WITH A

PLASTIC BAG ON YOUR HAND WAITING

TO PICK UP POOP!

THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

WE WERE AT THE WHITE HOUSE IN

2001.

>> Jimmy: OKAY.

>> PRESIDENT BUSH.

>> Jimmy: RIGHT.

>> WE SCREENING A MOVIE I

DIRECTED CALLED "61."

AND IT WAS REALLY EXCITING, I

HAVE TO SAY.

AT THE END EVER THE MOVIE,

PRESIDENT BUSH SAID GOODNIGHT.

HE GOES UPSTAIRS TO THE

RESIDENCE AND THEY TOOK US ON A

TOUR OF THE WEST WING.

NOW IT'S ABOUT 10:30 AT NIGHT,

WE'RE LEAVING AND PRESIDENT BUSH

IS COMING DOWN FROM THE PRIVATE

QUARTERS, AND HE LOOKS LIKE ANY,

OH, MIDDLE-AGED FATHER WHO JUST

PUT IN A HARD DAY OF SCREWING UP

THE ECONOMY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND SENDING US INTO A WAR WE

SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN IN.

YOU KNOW, JUST A DAY.

AND HE'S GOT HIS SLEEVES ROLLED

UP, AND HE LOOKED TIRED, BUT HE

WAS ACTUALLY A FUN GUY,

FORGETTING POLITICS.

AND HE'S WALKING TWO DOGS, AND

HE'S GOT A PLASTIC BAG IN HIS

HAND.

AND I'M THINKING, THIS IS THE

MOST POWERFUL GUY IN THE WORLD,

AND'S GOING TO PICK UP POOP.

AND THEN LATER I FOUND OUT THEY

WERE DICK CHENEY'S DOGS.

>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS!

BILLY CRYSTAL IS HERE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>>> HEY, ROLLINS, RIGHT?

ROLLINS, HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

>> ARE YOU EVERYWHERE?

>> I GET AROUND.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

>> WOW, YOU KILLED RORY.

>> I DIDN'T KILL RORY.

>> THAT'S WHY YOU WERE STRESSED.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> YOU HAD HIS HANDS ON HIS

SHOULDER RIGHT BEFORE YOU

STRANGLED HIM.

>> HE DIED OF LEUKEMIA.

ARE YOU HIGH?

>> YEAH.

>> Jimmy: BILLY CRYSTAL AND BEN

SCHWARTZ IN "STANDING UP FALLING

DOWN", A VERY SWEET MOVIE, A

SN

NICE RELATIONSHIP.

TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOUR

CHARACTER.

>> I PLAY MARTY, AN ALCOHOLIC

POT-SMOKING DERMATOLOGIST, WHICH

IS VERY INTERESTING, BECAUSE I'M

NOT A DERMATOLOGIST.

IT'S A STORY OF THESE TWO, OH,

LOST SOULS.

THE WONDERFUL BEN SCHWARTZ.

>> Jimmy: YEAH, HE'S A NICE KID,

TOO.

>> HE'S THE REAL DEAL.

>> Jimmy: YOU GUYS HAVE BONDED.

>> WE'VE BECOME VERY CLOSE

FRIENDS.

>> Jimmy: YOU TOOK HIM TO THE

CLIPPERS GAME.

>> I'M LIKE HIS UNCLE.

I TOOK HIM TO CLIPPERS GAMES,

AND WE HUNG OUT.

HE'S AN AWFULLY FUNNY GUY.

HE'S ONE OF THOSE RARE GUYS THAT

YOU KNOW WAS RAISED WELL.

HE'S TERRIFIC.

>> Jimmy: IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE

I'M GUESSING THAT YOUR

RELATIONSHIP WAS SIMILAR TO THE

RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE IN THE

MOVIE.

>> HE'S A FAILED COMEDIAN, THE

CHARACTER.

BUT AREN'T WE ALL?

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE COMES TO ME WITH A RASH

ON HIS ARM, AND I HELP HIM OUT,

BUT THEN WE START TALKING.

AND I HELP HIM WITH HIS ACT BY

HELPING HIM WITH HIS LIFE.

AND HE HELPS ME BEGIN TO CLEAN

UP, AND WE START TO UNDERSTAND

EACH OR, AND I UNBURDEN MYSELF

OF ALL THE PAST THAT'S DRIVING

ME TO DRINK AND DO DRUGS AND ALL

OF THAT STUFF.

>> Jimmy: DOES IT FEEL ODD FOR

YOU?

I KNOW WE ALL THINK OF OURSELVES

AS JUST OURSELVES.

YOU DON'T REALLY ATTACH AN AGE

TO YOURSELF.

IS IT ODD BEING LIKE THE MENTOR

TO GUYS LIKE BEN?

OR, YOU KNOW, YOUNGER GUYS?

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S, FIRST OF ALL,

IT'S LOVELY JUST TO BE WORKING.

>> Jimmy: UH-HUH.

>> AND WORKING WITH GREAT,

BRIL

BRILLIANT PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

I JUST ACTED WITH THE WONDERFUL

TIFFANY HADDISH.

>> Jimmy: YES, I KNOW YOU DID.

>> VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

I DIRECTED THE MOVIE, CO-WROTE

IT, AND WE PLAY, WE HAVE A VERY

INTERESTING STORY TOGETHER.

AND THAT'S CALLED "HERE TODAY",

AND IT WILL BE COMING OUT LATER

THIS YEAR.

>> Jimmy: YES, I LOOK FORWARD TO

THAT.

>> I LOVED WORKING WITH HER, AND

I LOVED WORKING WITH BEN,

BECAUSE THEY BRING OUT THE BEST

IN YOU.

BECAUSE WE COME FROM DIFFERENT

TIMES, OBVIOUSLY, YOU KEEP BEING

REMINDED, YOU'RE OLDER, BUT YOU

KNOW WHEN YOU REALLY GET

REMINDED THAT YOU'RE OLD, MY

BIRTHDAY'S COMING UP IN MARCH.

>> Jimmy: UH-HUH.

>> I'M A MEDIUM IN SOME THINGS

OR A LARGE IN OTHERS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAVE TO TAKE MY WRITTEN

DRIVER'S TEST.

>> Jimmy: OVER?

>> YEAH.

>> Jimmy: WRITTEN!

>> THE WRITTEN TEST OVER.

THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.

I MEAN, I'VE BEEN DRIVING SINCE

I'M 18.

I'M GOING TO BE 72.

>> Jimmy: UH-HUH.

>> AND I LOOK FABULOUS.

>> Jimmy: YOU DO.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN A TICKET

EXCEPT I HAVE 11,000 PARKING

TICKETS.

I'VE NEVER GOTTEN A MOVING

VIOLATION OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,

BUT WHEN I TAKE THE PRACTICE

TESTS I WOULDN'T GET IN THE CAR

WITH ME.

>> Jimmy: ARE THE QUESTIONS

HARD?

>> YEAH, THEY'RE HARD, LET ME

SEE HOW YOU DO.

>> Jimmy: OKAY, GOOD, ALL RIGHT.

>> THIS IS A TRUE OR FALSE

QUESTION.

>> Jimmy: OKAY.

>> THIS IS AN ACTUAL FROM THE

TEST.

ALL RIGHT.

WHEN DRIVING UNDER SNOWY OR ICY

CONDITIONS, YOU SHOULD MAKE

SPEED AND DIRECTIONAL CHANGES

MORE GRADUALLY THAN YOU WOULD

OTHERWISE.

>> Jimmy: YES.

TRUE.

>> THAT'S BROKEN YELLOW CENTER

LINE MEANS THAT YOU CAN PASS ON

THE LEFT IF THE ROAD AHEAD IS

CLEAR.

>> Jimmy: TRUE.

>> OKAY.

WHEN BEING FOLLOWED BY A

TAILGATER, WHICH FINGER DO YOU

USE TO TELL THEM TO BACK OFF?

>> Jimmy: I USE THE BIG ONE.

>> OKAY.

WHEN TAKING A SELFIE WHILE

DRIVING.

>> Jimmy: UH-HUH.

THIS IS ON THE TEST?

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> Jimmy: OH, WOW.

>> SHOULD YOU BE IN THE PORTRAIT

MODE?

>> Jimmy: ABSOLUTELY.

>> THAT'S BETTER.

>> Jimmy: THERE ARE MORE?

>> YEAH, SOME MORE.

>> Jimmy: OKAY.

I FEEL LIKE I'M DOING WELL SO

FAR.

>> YOU'RE GREAT.

>> Jimmy: OKAY, GREAT.

>> YOU'RE PUSHING 60.

>> Jimmy: MM-HM.

>> IN A SCHOOL ZONE.

WHAT IS THAT INFRACTION CALLED?

>> Jimmy: UH, SPEEDING, I GUESS.

>> NO, IT'S CALLED THE PRINCE

ANDREW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: WE GOT TO GO OUT ON

THAT, RIGHT?

COME ON, ONE MORE.

>> THIS IS THE LAST ONE.

AND I THINK WE'VE BEEN GUILTY

ABOUT THIS.

WHEN PARKING IN A HANDICAPPED

SPACE.

HOW LONG AFTER YOU EXIT THE CAR

SHOULD YOU FAKE YOUR LIMP?

>> Jimmy: IMMEDIATELY.

>> IMMEDIATELY.

>> Jimmy: BILLY CRYSTAL,

EVERYONE.

"STANDING UP, FALLING DOWN"

PREMIERS IN THEATERS AND VOD

FEBRUARY 21ST.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE

TENDERLOINS.

The Description of Billy Crystal on Hostless Oscars, New Movie & Driving Test