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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Norbit

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Oh, there rose a mighty storm

I heard a voice from heaven saying

You're standing out there alone

And I thought about King Jesus

And I folded up in my heart

Then I started up for heaven

And I stepped into the safety zone

Oh, I'm standing in the safety zone... ♪

NORBIT: Everyone has their path in life,

and this is more or less where mine started.

My name is Norbit Albert Rice, and I was an orphan.

I like to think my parents loved me very much,

but just didn't have the means to properly care for me.

I can see them researching all of the orphanages in the area,

agonizing over their choices,

trying to make sure their precious little boy

was raised in the perfect environment.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

♪ ...in the safety zone

Hey! Oh!

Ling Ling! Someone left another one!

(SNIFFING)

Coyotes, go! Get! Back! Back, coyotes!

Ah!

Get out here! You not eat another baby.

(BABY CRYING)

Oh, crap. Another black one.

Can't give these away.

Ooh! You ugly black one, too.

You be here long time.

Nobody ever come and say, "Give me the ugly, black one."

You very ugly baby.

The ugliest baby I ever seen.

NORBIT: A lot of people think that orphanages are cold and scary,

but the Golden Wonton was a great place to grow up.

We had everything normal children had.

Pets,

(CLEAVER BANGING)

Here.

Play with that.

a big backyard, and lots of kids to play with.

Ling Ling!

The children got in MSG barrel.

Now all their hair gonna fall out again.

You stupid orphan!

Nobody want a bald orphan!

Norbit, how you find family with no hair?

Nobody want a bald Norbit!

What the hell wrong with the children here?

NORBIT: Mr. Wong was a very interesting man.

In addition to his love for children

and preparation of fine Asian cuisine,

he had a real passion for old-time whaling.

It's a whale, ho!

(CHILDREN GRUNTING)

Die, you son-of-a!

(GASPS)

Bingo! Right in the blow hole!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Norbit, where you go?

Why you run off like little bitch?

NORBIT: After Marvin Browning got lost downtown for a couple of weeks,

the orphanage started using a buddy system.

KATE: Go, Norbit!

My buddy was little Kate.

Go, Norbit!

(YELLS) Go, Norbit!

(CRASHING)

(GROANS)

That's okay. You're doing good.

Kate and I were always together.

Playing checkers,

Oh, man. Yes!

(WOMAN SCREAMING ON TV)

watching scary movies.

Why, we even pooped together.

And then one day, Kate and I decided that we should tie the knot.

We got married under the great big oak tree.

I now pronounce you my wife.

And I pronounce you my husband.

It's watermelon.

Yours is green apple.

I think it's time for us to kiss now.

BOTH: Ew!

And we lived happily ever after

(BOTH GIGGLING HAPPILY)

for about two weeks

until she got adopted.

Bye, Norbit.

I didn't do too much bike riding after that.

When Kate left, there was an odd number of kids at the orphanage,

so I was buddyless for a while.

And sometimes I'd get a little sad,

but I never lost hope.

I knew that someday I'd find another somebody to share my life with.

All I had to do was just be patient.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

What'd you do that for?

Because we felt like it.

BOTH: What are you gonna do about it?

Loser.

(GRUNTING)

NORBIT: Stop it.

Leave him alone.

Says who? Says who?

(BOTH GRUNT)

(IN AWE) Who are you?

Rasputia. What's your name?

Norbit.

Norbit? That's a stupid name.

Why'd you beat those boys up?

To protect you.

(SEDUCTIVELY) You got a girlfriend, Nesbit?

Uh, Norbit.

No.

Well, you do now.

Get your ass up and hold my hand.

Okay. How you doing?

(NORBIT SCREAMS)

NORBIT: Everything changed once I had Rasputia as my girlfriend.

We took care of each other,

(GROANS)

and the other kids started to respect me.

I'll take...

Norbit.

(ALL GROANING) Come on.

And because of Rasputia, for the first time in my life,

I had a real family.

Rasputia had three brothers.

Big Black Jack. He was the oldest.

Leg.

Then, there was Blue.

Breasts.

And Earl. He was the baby.

Wing.

They sure loved their little sister,

and so they treated me like one of their own.

Here you go, Norbit.

Saved the best piece for you.

What's that?

BIG JACK: Turkey ass. Eat up, sucker.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Bon appetitty.

Bon appetitty.

The Latimores had a reputation

for being the meanest, nastiest people in town,

but that's just because folks didn't know them.

They were actually very nice, hard-working people.

They ran the local construction company,

and recently, responding to the needs of the community,

Yo, Morris.

had opened a little security business.

(GURGLING)

It was a surprisingly popular service among the local vendors.

(ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, you don't shake me down.

I'm Italian. I shake you down.

Is that right?

Yes.

Get his ass in here.

(GURGLING)

I'm in.

As time passed, Rasputia and I got closer and closer,

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

in high school

and as adults.

I started working as a bookkeeper in her family's business.

(DOOR OPENS)

I'm expecting some important calls today, Norbit,

so when you answer the phone, try and sound white.

It was like everything was finally coming together.

Yes.

Of course, it was only natural that Rasputia and I

would take the next step in our relationship.

MINISTER: I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Wow.

(GRUNTS)

Open your mouth.

(ALL GROANING)

Go, Rasputia!

(MAN LAUGHING)

(SINGING) NORBIT: It was a storybook wedding,

the beginning of a brand-new chapter.

I knew I would never be lonely again.

I had found my place in the world.

Poor Norbit. Man.

Back when I was in the game, I used to tell my hos,

"Hos, ain't no man gonna pay for the cow if he can get the milk for free."

You ain't got to worry about this brother buying the milk,

'cause he just bought the whole damn cow.

That's a special cow, too.

That must be where buttermilk come from.

MAN: Sing that shit, girl.

Them are not dimples. Them are potholes in her ass.

Look like an Escalade in a wedding dress.

(COYLY) Oh!

It a horror show.

Norbit. What a woman you got.

Hi, fellows. We're all jealous, right, boys?

(ALL AGREEING) Oh, yeah. Way jealous.

Wish I had one like that.

Norbit, let me talk to you for a second.

Look, just so we clear.

If you ever hurt my sister

in any way,

make her cry,

even make her sad

one time,

I'm coming at you with razor blades and lemon juice.

You hear me?

Yes.

I'm talking pain, boy.

Searing, mind-numbing pain.

I understand.

You understand me?

(CHOKING) Yes, yes, yes.

All right.

Welcome to the family.

(WHIMPERING) Thank you.

(WHINING)

MAN: Hey!

Somebody is take a big hunk out of my cake!

(ALL GASPING)

What y'all looking at? I ain't had no cake.

You better mind your damn business.

(FEEDBACK WHINING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, hey! Everyone!

I am Mr. Wong. I am best man in wedding.

I feel it my place to say something,

uh, make a toast to bride and groom,

tell story about Norbit.

I like Norbit father.

I raise Norbit. He like my own child.

And I want to say that I very, very confused, Norbit,

that you... You marry Latimore.

I don't understand it, because when you was a little boy, you say,

"One day I find the girl of my dreams."

And then you marry a gorilla.

(MAN LAUGHING)

I joke, I joke, I joke.

Why you not know joke when you hear joke?

Why you wanna make fight at wedding?

Cool off, before I have to bust somebody ass in here. Okay.

When Norbit just little boy,

he like to always run all over place

naked.

Always naked.

And Norbit, when he was just little boy,

had a pee-pee the size of an egg roll.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You know, Norbit.

That's true.

And one day, down by creek,

Norbit run around naked

and poisonous snake jump up and bite Norbit right on ass.

(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)

Very close to hole.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Norbit pass out.

I think Norbit is dead.

I go to check the boy pulse.

He still alive. He still alive!

"Okay," I say, "I must do something to save child."

So, I start to think,

"Do I suck poison out of Norbit's ass

(WOMAN GIGGLING)

"or do I let him die?"

I do the most responsible thing.

I say, "Hell to the no!

"Norbit is out of here,

"because it is long time in hell

"before Wong suck poison out of another man's ass."

(ALL LAUGHING)

(DRUM ROLL)

But strange, mystical thing happen, Norbit.

Even though poison is in Norbit, he not die.

Norbit get stronger and stronger.

That why I know, Norbit, deep down inside, you very, very strong.

You strong like warrior.

That's why I say to you, Norbit, you can survive anything.

Even...

So I say to everyone here, and to Norbit,

I wish you much happiness and peace and love,

and lots of bananas for your new gorilla.

(GASPS) I only kidding. To Norbit and Rasputia.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Oh, Norbit, you know what would be so romantic?

If you'd carry me over the threshold like a little chocolate drop.

(EXCLAIMS)

Be delicate, now.

(GRUNTING)

Put your back into it.

(GRUNTS)

Come on, now. Be a man.

You ain't no man.

Pathetic.

(SEXUAL HEALING PLAYING)

Rasputia, I know we're both nervous because we've never done this before,

but we can take our time, darling.

(RUBBER SQUEAKING) In sweet time.

(SCREAMS)

(GROANING)

NORBIT: Rasputia was so full of love.

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho!

It was a love that sustained us through the years.

Halt!

(WHIMPERS)

187. Officer down.

NORBIT: And it's still going strong.

Happy Presidents' Day!

God bless America.

And so, we began our life together,

like any other happily married couple.

Morning, Rasputia.

(DOG BARKING) "Morning, Rasputia," my ass.

I tell you what. You better do something about that goddamn dog,

because I ain't gonna be getting terrorized by no dog on my own property.

I'm sick of it!

I'm gonna go out and purchase me a pellet rifle!

And then I'm gonna give him something to bark about

when I start popping pellets in his little bug-eyed bastard's ass.

Messing around with you, now I'm gonna be late for dance class.

(HORN HONKS)

God damn it, Norbit. How many times I got to tell you,

when you drive my car, don't adjust my seat!

I haven't touched your seat.

Then why is it up so damn far?

It looks like it's back as far as it goes, Rasputia.

No, you moved it. I can tell, 'cause look, when I inhale,

my titty make the horn honk. Listen.

(HORN HONKS)

You see that?

(HORN HONKS)

That ain't right.

(HORN BLARING) I hear it.

That scientifically prove that you was adjusting my seat.

That's not science. It is. Now just let it go.

It's not science. I said let it go.

I'm just... I said it was science, God damn it.

Why you think I want to sell Golden Wonton Restaurant?

I got a good business.

It practically run itself. I make a lot of money here.

Every man got a price.

We think this might be yours.

And here

is my counteroffer.

(EXCLAIMS)

Excuse me.

All right, it's go time.

(YELLS)

ALL: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

I not like rest of town people.

I not intimidated by Latimore.

You wrong, Wong. Relax, man.

Be cool with that thing, Mr. Wong.

Ling Ling, get my pistol!

That dude is crazy.

Let's get the hell out of here!

I never sell to Latimore! Ever! Ever!

(YELLS)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) BUSTER: All right! Y'all ready, class?

(WHOOPING) Are y'all ready?

We gonna perforate!

We gonna penetrate!

We gonna percolate!

We gonna palpitate!

All because we wanna master the bate,

the art of power-tap the fat.

Come on, and power-tap the fat.

Take that, power-tap the fat.

Hey, you get your skinny ass out of my way.

One, two, three, four.

I stepped in poo, better wipe it off.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

I stepped in poo, better wipe it off.

One, two, three, four.

Ride the horse.

Ride the horse!

Keep bucking, y'all!

(YELLS)

Keep bucking! And slide!

Click clackety clack! Come on, slide!

Click clackety clack! Just slide!

Here come the cops.

Here come the cops.

They take me to jail.

They take me to jail.

Riverdance. Come on, white people.

Riverdance. Come on, white people.

Riverdance. Come on.

Now, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump me up.

Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump me down.

And one, two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.

And stretch it out. Work your whole bicuspids area,

your whole bilaterals and bisexuals.

Very good.

Excuse me, Buster?

I think I need a little adjustment over here.

Look at you, looking like the Great Pumpkin, girl.

Trick or treat. What's going on?

Well, see, I was born with a trick hip and it made me real bendy.

See, I'm just like licorice. Look.

Goddamn, girl, that look like the harvest moon.

Turn a brother to a werewolf.

(HOWLS SEDUCTIVELY) You just need to stop.

You know what?

Do you do any private lessons?

Um, I could do private lessons if you could do me a little favor.

What's that?

Just need you talk to your little brothers

about funding my little video tape.

Oh! I'm trying to make power-tap more international.

I'm trying to be like Billy Blanks,

but double the money and half the Blank.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Maybe I will, maybe I will.

But, first, I got to get that private lesson.

Okay.

(WHISPERING) Call me, girl.

(SOFTLY) I'll call you.

I'll be your private dancer.

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

Must be Saturday. Why is that?

Because here come Norbit, right on schedule.

Mmm-hmm.

Almost set your watch to him.

Hey, Pope Sweet Jesus and Lord Have Mercy.

How you guys doing, fellows?

Business is good. Business is good.

It's almost like the good old days.

Yes, indeedy. What do you mean, "the good old days"?

The good old days, man, back when we was pimping, Norbit.

You know.

You guys used to pimp? "Used to"?

That's a violation. Still pimping.

Once a pimp, always a pimp.

Always. Forever. Boss player.

Rasputia sent me down here to get the usual. You guys are open, right?

Oh, we always open. Go on and take yourself in there, Norbit.

We'll stack that up for you.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Moniqua! Yes, Daddy.

Can you get King Kong three large buckets, extra sauce?

Please don't trim the fat. Yes, Daddy.

Please don't trim that fat. She will kill me.

Norbit, while I got your attention,

can I interest you in some new shoes, maybe a haircut?

How about a bath or a sink?

Hey, don't tell me you guys bought the bath store, too?

It's a perfect fit, man.

We used to sell bitches to johns.

Now we selling johns

to bitches.

Beds, bitches, and beyond!

Sound like money to me.

No, thanks, guys.

I got to go do a puppet show for the kids at the orphanage.

That's a nice thing you do for them little kids over there.

Why don't you take these little tater puffs over there to them little children?

Oh, that's great, guys. That's sweet.

Wait, my puppets!

I forgot my puppets!

I got to go. I got to go, guys.

Where's his puppets? He ain't got no puppets.

What's Rasputia doing home so early?

'Sputia?

(BUSTER LAUGHING)

BUSTER: Oh, yeah, girl.

Come on, girl, that's sweet chocolate!

Okay, you in trouble, now.

You in trouble. You in trouble, now.

I'm Willy Wonka.

Get up on that Oompa Loompa.

(SNIFFING)

BUSTER: That's sweet. Oh, yeah. Take all that, girl.

Take it with your big old self, girl.

You ain't never had it like this.

(RASPUTIA WHOOPING) You ain't never had it like this!

Hell, yeah. Come on, we gonna do pig in a blanket.

Come on, pig in a blanket. Now squeal. Squeal! Squeal!

RASPUTIA: Oink, oink, oink!

BUSTER: Take it from the back.

Damn, I feel like Willy Wonka,

all this sweet chocolate up in this...

Hey. How you doing, man?

What's good with you, brother?

How's it going, man? How you doing?

I'm Bust-a-move Perkin. How you doing?

Man, your wife was just talking about you.

Man, she love you.

You're Rasputia's tap dance teacher.

Man, actually, I'm her power-tap guru.

I was just here giving her a little tap lesson.

But you're naked.

Oh, that's just so she could see the various muscle groups

as I go through the various routines. You see that there?

You can't see that with a turtleneck.

And you have an...

Oh, man, I'm just real passionate about dance.

You can say the word "dance" and he just jump up.

Dance! See that?

See that there?

'Sputia?

Norbit, Buster's a guest in our home.

How dare you insinuate something like that?

Yeah, Orbit!

How dare you insinuate something such like that!

You know, I am actually offended

by your accusization, you understand?

And rather than sit here and have a belligerent confrontation with you,

'cause I am a God-fearing man,

I'm'a do like Jesus H. Christ would do in a situation such as such

and I'm gonna turn the other cheek.

Amen.

(DOOR CLOSING)

RASPUTIA: You happy now?

Rasputia, you cheated on me!

Look, I told your ass ain't nothing happened,

and the next time you say it happened again,

I'm gonna knock your teeth out your mouth.

Rasputia, we took vows. I'm your husband.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Rasputia, we took vows, and you cheated on me!

It never happened!

Yes, it did!

And that makes you the queen of whores!

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMING)

Hey, Norbit!

(SHRIEKING)

(GRUNTS)

(HORN BLARING)

(NORBIT EXCLAIMING IN TERROR)

Run for your lives!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Bastard! Come here!

Oh, sweet Moses! Oh, my God!

Come here! Come here!

Come here to me!

No! Leave me alone!

You ain't nothing but a goddamn coward!

Saddle tramp!

That's what your stupid black ass get!

I hope you broke your ass!

Since you feel like running, Norbit,

why don't you run your ass down to the Rib Shak

and get me a short stack of ribs?

Extra hot sauce.

All this setting you straight done got me famished.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

NORBIT: Dum-dee, dum, dum, dum.

I'm Little Red Riding Goose,

walking through the forest, minding my own business,

when all at once...

NORBIT: Hello.

Who are you?

I'm the big, bad pig of the forest.

My, what big eyes you have, Pig.

The better to see you with, Goose.

And my, what a big nose you have, Pig.

The better to smell them scrumptious goodies you got in your basket.

Hey, let me take a look in there.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Oh, no, you don't. You're gonna try to steal my food.

No, I won't steal your food.

Don't let that pig push you around, Goose.

Yeah, I'm tired of you pushing me around.

Look, I'm tired of playing with your ass, bitch.

I know you got ribs in that basket.

You better give them up smooth

or I'm gonna break my hoof off in your goose ass.

Oh, really? Well, why don't you get up off of your lazy behind

and go down to the Rib Shak and get your own ribs?

Or better still, why don't you just call Buster

and tell him to come over and power-tap you,

because in addition to being the pig of the forest,

you're also a saddle tramp, whore, bitch pig...

Norbit! What you doing?

This supposed to be a children's show.

This remind me of Chinese snuff film I once co-star in.

I'm sorry. I got a little carried away.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

KATE: Wow, Norbit, that was some puppet show.

Oh, come on. You don't remember me?

Kate. Kate.

Come here! Kate! Kate! Oh, God!

I can't believe it! Kate!

Well, can I have a hug?

(EXCLAIMS)

Norbit.

It just like old times.

Maybe you two go take poop together.

This place has not changed at all.

Oh, yeah. Some of this furniture's even come back in style.

(LAUGHS)

So, how long are you gonna be visiting for?

No, I'm not visiting. I'm moving back.

Really? Wow.

I sold my clothing business in Atlanta,

and I'm going to use the money to buy the orphanage.

What?

Mmm-hmm.

Mr. Wong's getting older.

He wants to go whaling, so...

You know, it's always been my dream to come back here and take over.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, Norbit, look.

That's the tree we got married under.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, I've still got my ring.

I ate mine.

I missed you so much when you left.

I missed you, too.

That's my car.

Oh, we didn't really get a chance to catch up much.

I'll be back in town on Tuesday.

You wanna have lunch?

Yeah, I would love to have lunch on Tuesday.

I love lunch.

Okay.

Lunch, yes. For sure. I love lunch. Tuesday.

I'll see you Tuesday. I'll see you on Tuesday.

We'll have lunch on Tuesday.

Tuesday.

Tuesday. Tuesday.

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday.

NORBIT: Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday...

(RASPUTIA SNORING) Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday...

(GRUNTS)

(GROWLS)

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday.

Tuesday, Tuesday... ♪

RASPUTIA: Say "Tuesday" again and you ain't gonna see Wednesday!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I got it. I'll get it. Tuesday.

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday.

Buster. How you doing? You look great. Hey.

Oh, thank you, man.

Good to see you. Good to see you. Thank you.

I thought you were gonna be at work.

Yeah, I'm on my way out now.

But hey, look, there's cold beer in the refrigerator

and there's fresh sheets on the bed.

Go have a great dance lesson.

All right.

All right.

Power-tap.

Very good, very good.

Tuesday.

What's wrong with your boy? He real cool all of a sudden.

Yeah, I don't know what the hell got into him,

but I know I got dance fever.

Ready for a little power-tap, huh?

Lord, give me strength.

Hey, Sam, happy Tuesday.

Norbit.

Norbit.

Hey, Kate. Hi.

Come on, I got us a table.

Great. I've been looking forward to this all week.

Good.

Hey.

Hey. Who's he?

Norbit, this is my fiance, Deion Hughes.

How you doing, my man? Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

This is your fiance? DEION: Yes, sir.

I was just telling Deion that you and I were buddy partners at the orphanage.

Now she and I are buddy partners.

Shame on you, man, letting a girl go like this. I feel for you.

(DEION LAUGHS)

And so Deion's got all this experience in real estate,

so he's going to help me buy the orphanage, Norbit. It's so exciting!

No, wait, wait. No, no. Slow down, slow down.

I mean, you know, we're just out here just scouting it out.

All right?

This is her nest egg, you know.

I don't want her making any hasty decisions

that she might regret later, you know?

She worked too hard for this money, man, you know what I mean?

Deion, you take such good care of me, baby.

(SWEETLY) It's my job. Stop it.

Okay?

(KISSING)

Don't you just love Tuesdays?

Lloyd, just tell me why it has to hurt so GD much.

(BARKING)

You sensing an earthquake or some other sort of natural disaster?

(DOG CONTINUES BARKING)

Oh.

That's just my...

My wife.

(RASPUTIA SNORING)

(WHIMPERS)

A man needs his own space.

(EXCLAIMS)

(RASPUTIA GROWLING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Finally!

For the love of Cain.

(GROANS)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

Moses!

I'll see you suckers tomorrow at the picnic!

(HORN HONKING)

Damn it, Norbit! How many times I got to tell you,

don't be messing with my car seat!

Nobody touched your old, stupid seat.

Then how come it's all mushed up like this, then?

Well, you know, Rasputia, you've been eating so much lately

there's a very strong possibility that...

The car is shrinking.

Might be shrinking. The car is being smaller.

Yeah, you might be right. Been raining a lot lately.

All this moist weather.

Oh, yeah? That'll make it shrink.

This weather's so moist.

(EXCLAIMS)

(CRASHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

How you doing?

(DON'T CHA PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Don't cha? ♪

Look at that dog over there, eyeballing me.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Rasputia, what are you doing?

Shut up!

Hey, slow down! You're gonna hit him!

I got you now. I got you now!

(RASPUTIA WHOOPING)

Stop it! No!

I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you.

Rasputia, don't! No! No! No!

(DOG YELPS)

(CACKLING)

I know what that sound means!

Bark! How you doing!

Lloyd!

Enough is enough.

Now, where in the hell do you think you're going?

Lloyd's in the hospital because of you!

Yeah, that's right. I put his little dog ass in the hospital.

And I'd have put it in the morgue, too,

if you didn't mess with my car seat.

It threw off my driving skills.

Rasputia, you are a mean,

selfish, cold, heartless woman,

and I am leaving you!

You leaving me?

Yes!

Well, where the hell you think you're going, big shot?

You ain't got no money. You ain't got no family.

Everything is in my name, the car, the house...

You ain't nothing and you ain't gonna

never be nothing without me, Norbit!

Norbit, you just can't leave!

Norbit, please, I'm with child!

With child?

Oh, yes, Norbit, can't you tell?

I'm getting a little belly.

And my titties is all achy and itchy-like.

Oh, Norbit, we gonna be a family.

(BALLING) Oh, Norbit, come hug me, Daddy, please.

(GASPS)

Please, Norbit.

(SOBBING DRAMATICALLY)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON PA)

I understand, little pony.

I know your pain.

Oh, yes, I know.

(SNUFFLING)

POPE SWEET JESUS: Excuse me, snow bunny.

I don't come in your jurisdiction, throwing town picnics.

Yet here you is all up in mines, pimping hos.

It's just a kissing booth.

Call it what you will, but Pope Sweet Jesus

is taking half.

You work for me now, ho.

Sure.

Let me taste the goods.

Put it on me.

Greasy.

Greasy.

We back in business.

I wanna be a ho.

How do I apply?

Please, Lord Jesus, help me!

Look, look, tickets! Hey, tickets, tickets.

Let me go! Let me go! Line up with your buddy.

Line up with your buddy. You got one, sweetie.

GIRL: Can we go on the jumper? Yeah, yeah, you go.

Baby, you know I love you. I love these kids.

It's just that I don't think buying an orphanage

is the right move financially right now.

(CELL PHONE RINGS) Hey, this is not a financial decision, Deion.

I thought you understood that, baby. No. No, I do. I do, baby.

But this the call I was telling you...

The business call, it's very important.

Let's talk about it when I get back to the house, okay?

You're not going to stay?

No, very important.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Here.

Hello?

It's never a bad time for you.

(LAUGHING)

DEION: Stop it! Stop!

Norbit!

Hey.

Hi.

Hey. I didn't know you were gonna be here.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you know, I just saw Deion leaving.

Uh-huh. He had some business to take care of.

Oh.

So, who are you here with?

My wife.

(EXCLAIMS)

Norbit, I didn't know you were married.

(CHUCKLING MIRTHLESSLY) Yeah.

Well, that's wonderful. Really.

Thank you so much.

So, where is she?

Right over there in the print outfit.

The one talking to the girl by the bench?

No, the one sucking the jelly out of them donuts.

(SLURPING)

Oh, yeah. She's pretty.

That's cherry.

Is that cherry or strawberry?

Oh, what are my kids doing? Peter! Theo!

I don't want you bothering anyone.

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Rice.

Mrs. Rice? My name ain't no damn Mrs. Rice.

Oh, I just thought 'cause you're married to Norbit...

Who the hell are you?

Kate, this is my wife, Rasputia Latimore,

and, Rasputia, this is Kate.

Nice to meet you.

Hello.

Kate's an old friend of mine from the orphanage.

Latimore, as in Latimore Construction?

Yes, that's right, as in Latimore Construction. That's right. Why?

Well, just that this is perfect,

'cause I was going to come see you guys about a renovation of...

Shh! Mmm-mmm. I ain't come out here for that.

Mmm-mmm. I'm out here to enjoy these festivities,

not to be talking no business.

You wanna talk business,

my brother is Big Black Jack over there by the BB guns.

Go over there and talk to him. I ain't got no time for this.

Oh, sure, okay.

Well, go on, get.

Okay.

(MIMICKING KATE) Okay.

Come here.

What, Rasputia?

You thinking about creeping, ain't you?

We're just friends.

What'd I tell you about having friends?

Go over there and get me another wine cooler.

It's hot as hell out here. Don't you see I'm sweltering?

Rasputia, you can't drink wine.

Why the hell not?

You're with child.

With child? I ain't with no...

Oh.

Oh, that was... I had gas.

I still got it.

(FARTING)

There's your child. Now, go get me something to drink.

Oh.

Oh!

(IN DISGUST) Oh!

(FARTS)

Twins!

(BOYS LAUGHING)

Hey! You come back here!

MAN: Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, my God!

Move your fat ass, boy.

Look, you got one!

(YELLING)

Get him. Get him, Big Black.

Ow!

Are you Big Black Jack?

What it look like?

Oh, well.

Me and my fiance are buying the Golden Wonton...

Wong's place? He's selling it to you?

Yeah. Why is that surprising?

Miss Thomas, Miss Thomas, let's go.

They're starting the music. Oh, great!

Come on. Let's go. Can we finish this up later?

Apparently I have to go dance now.

All right, baby. You go dance now.

The orphanage is in play.

Y'all better give me my hat. Give me the hat!

Here, take her hat.

You think I won't come up in here?

I'm gonna come up in here.

(PLASTIC SQUEAKING)

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

You think I'm playing?

Give me the hat right now, or I'm gonna tear your leg off.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, Norbit, come on!

Oh, no. No, I can't.

Rasputia's waiting for me.

Come on, dance with us.

No, really, I shouldn't...

Don't think I won't kill a child.

I'll kill a child in front of everybody.

Little street urchins.

(TAUNTING IN SINGSONG)

Okay. That's it.

Now it's time to bring the pain.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

Dance, Norbit, dance! Come on!

My hat!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

It's raining little white women.

My prayers have been answered!

She'd better move, 'cause my prayer is for a Cadillac.

(AIR HISSING)

You little bastards.

Whoo!

Where the hell is Norbit with that wine cooler?

I'm thirsty as hell.

(NORBIT WHOOPING)

Oh, hell, no.

Oh, he's lost his mind.

Bitch, that's my wine cooler!

It's my birthday! It's my birthday!

It's your birthday? You think it's your birthday, huh?

Norbit's got moves, everybody! Yeah!

You got him loose, don't you, you little skinny bitch?

I see what you trying to do.

I see just what you trying to do.

Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit!

Come on, everybody!

Go, Norbit!

ALL: Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit!

Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit!

Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit! Go...

Norbit!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

(FEEDBACK SCREECHING)

(HEART MONITOR BEEPING) Crooked employees? Unlicensed doctors?

Lipstick on your husband's collar?

Find out who you're really dealing with.

Send $29.95 to Background Checks by Mail,

P.O. Box 119, Locust Falls.

Hey, buddy partner.

Hi, Kate. Hi, nice to see you.

How you doing?

I'm good, but how about you and your head?

Oh, I'm doing better.

The doctor said if it weren't for my hard Afro,

it could have killed me.

(EXCLAIMS)

(HEART MONITOR ACCELERATING)

Are you sure you're okay, Norbit?

That sounds kind of fast.

Oh, well, they're doing some tests.

They're kind of monitoring me.

Well, I don't know about this stuff, but 110 beats per minute,

that's kind of high. 120...

(GASPS)

Oh, my goodness, 130!

Yeah, maybe the machine's broke.

I'm just gonna take these off.

(YELLS)

(MONITOR FLATLINING) Ow! Ow! Ow!

(CAR LOCK BEEPS)

You Deion Hughes?

Who's asking? Oh!

We the Latimores.

EARL: Yeah. Latimore Construction.

Your woman was telling us how y'all was planning on buying the orphanage.

Kate has her plans and I have mine.

Well, it looks like the only plans you got, my man, is leaving.

I ain't sticking around raising no damn orphans.

I got kids of my own I ain't even bringing up.

So, you was just hustling her?

Break it to her gentle for me, would you?

I'm out!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, player.

I think you missing the flow here.

That orphanage she buying,

that's a huge property,

outside of town, zoned commercial.

Even got a liquor license.

Interesting.

It's a perfect place for a titty bar.

Did you say "titty bar"? EARL: Titties.

We got it all worked out.

EARL: We gonna call it Nipplopolis.

Nipplopolis.

Shit got a ring to it, don't it?

We talking about overpriced, watered-down alcohol

and fake tig old bitties

in abundance.

Ain't gonna be nothing but tax-free,

under-the-table, pure cash money. Big time!

That's right.

All you got to do is swing us the deal and we make you partner.

And what about Kate?

If you marry her, it's as much yours as hers.

Norbit, I really want you to be a part of the orphanage.

The kids are crazy about you.

They're good kids.

You know, I'm gonna take them bike riding tomorrow,

down by the lake.

Why don't you come?

I don't know if I could go for a bike ride.

I never... I didn't really know how, the...

I can't ride a bike still.

You never learned? What?

Well, you left, you know,

and there was nobody there to teach me.

And Wong don't ride.

Okay, we'll do something else.

Um, the water park.

The kids have been begging me to take them there.

Oh, I don't know about the water park.

Come on, it's a Saturday. You don't have to work.

Yeah, I know, but it's the park and it's watery,

and there's a potential hell to pay

if I were to be there maybe...

Hey, what are you doing with those things, Kate?

Well, I'm just going to have to shock you till you say yes.

Hey, come on, Kate. Don't play with those.

Those things are plugged in. It's hot.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) No, no clear. No clear. Stop, Kate. Stop, Kate.

Come on. Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes! Okay, stop.

Nurse!

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Voila.

Oh, my God, Deion. This is beautiful.

I didn't even know you could cook.

I just wanted to do something special for you, you know, from the heart.

Well, I am feeling it.

Let's do it. Let's get married, right away.

I don't wanna wait.

Deion. Church is free on Saturday.

You're serious?

Baby, we belong together.

Yeah.

I want to. Saturday. Yeah. Yes!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Thank you.

Oh, no, thank you.

(EXCLAIMS) RASPUTIA: Norbit!

Hi. Hey. Good morning, Rasputia.

Good morning.

How are you this morning?

Where the hell you going?

Oh.

Nowhere special.

I was just gonna go out to...

I was just going over to Raging Waters.

Raging Waters?

Yes. It's this thing I got roped into, darling.

You know, I was at this orphanage when I was raised, and...

And the people from the orphanage

and now they're taking other orphans to Raging Waters

so they asked me to come and give back to the community,

so I'm trying to, you know, do my part.

Little Miss Skinny Bitch gonna be there?

Oh, you mean Miss Ling Ling?

You know damn well I ain't talking about no Miss Ling Ling.

I'm talking about Miss Thing Thing from that picnic.

Miss Thing Thing from the picnic?

Who are you talking about, sweetheart?

I don't even...

Wait, I think I remember now.

A girl, she had the foreign name.

(GIBBERING)

Something Russian.

Kate, bitch!

Kate! Of course it's Kate.

Yes, I don't know if Kate's gonna be there.

I hadn't even thought about it.

It didn't even cross my mind.

(TO HIMSELF) I wonder, will Kate be there?

Damn good question.

Well, I'm going.

No!

You don't like water parks, Rasputia. No.

Who don't like water parks? I love them.

They're just like amusement parks,

except you ain't got to get off the ride to go to the bathroom.

How you doing?

Great.

(KIDS SCREAMING)

MAN: There you go. Have fun.

There you go, Brian. Nick, there's one for you.

All right, kids, everybody please be nice to Mrs. Latimore, okay?

ALL: Okay. (LAUGHING) Okay.

Kate, I hope you don't mind.

I asked Rasputia to join us.

Of course not. I'm really glad you could come.

Well, are we gonna stand around here all day

or we gonna go inside?

Excuse me.

Excuse me, ma'am.

What?

Are you wearing bottoms?

Of course I'm wearing bottoms!

Okay. Come on in.

How dare you?

(METAL CLATTERING)

Oh, hell, no.

How

you

doing!

(SCREAMING)

RASPUTIA: This ain't like no real beach,

'cause on a real beach you got people

walking around with ice chests

and you can get all kinds of treats

like sandwiches and potato chips

and Mentos and Skittles

and all sorts of delectables.

You can't get shit here!

Well, you know, there's concession stand.

You going?

No, I already ate.

Well, you could have fooled me.

I'm just trying to say you too damn skinny. Look at you.

See, most men like a woman that got a little huh-huh.

Or a little hey-hey.

You ain't got nothing. You just skin and bones,

just sitting in that chair all bones and skin.

I feel sorry for you.

Well, I just feel that we're all made

exactly the way we're supposed to be.

Oh, no. Hell, no. I'm a Christian,

and you ain't gonna sit there and blame God for how you look, okay?

You the one that pushed that plate away.

My Norbit is always telling me there's two kinds of women,

big old good ones and good old big ones.

That's right. And, sister, let me tell you, just between the two of us,

I can't keep Norbit off me.

He is the biggest freak you ever wanna meet

and he be blowing my back out,

trying to put me through the headboard every night.

I'm thinking about going on a little diet or something

so I can get all emaciated-looking like you,

then he'll think I look disgusting

and I can get a rest or some sleep for a little while,

because he want it all the time.

Just boom, bam, boom, boom, boom.

But I ain't mad at him, hey.

I'm gonna go on a diet for sure, next week.

Right now I'm gonna get me a lamb kabob and a wine cooler.

How you doing?

Where is that wine cooler section?

Miss Thomas, we're all going off the Leap of Doom. Come on.

Slowly. Slowly. Someone's gonna fall down.

You're gonna break your head in half in a second. Slow down!

BOY: Wait for me!

I tell you, it sure is tiring

chasing these kids all around the water park, isn't it?

Especially for us skinny folk.

What?

Never mind.

So, Norbit, I have some news.

Oh!

Deion and I decided to move up the wedding.

What wedding?

Our wedding.

We're going to get married on Saturday.

You're getting married on Saturday?

Yeah, we just figured, "Why wait?" You know?

Oh.

Well, um...

Congratulations, then.

Thanks.

Yeah. I'm really happy.

Oh, so am I.

It's wonderful.

So, there it is, the Leap of Doom.

Yeah, go and have fun. I'll wait for you at the bottom.

You go have some fun. Okay.

Okay.

KATE: Okay, kids, one at a time.

(WHOOPS)

I guess this is me.

What are you looking at, Norbit?

Oh!

I was just, uh, watching the, uh...

Some kids.

They're about to come down the slide.

I wanted to watch the kids come down safely.

Kids, huh? Yeah.

So, you wanna watch a bitch come down a slide?

Well, I'm gonna show you how a bitch come down a slide.

Oh, no...

(KATE SCREAMS)

Excuse me, ma'am?

We have a 300-pound weight limit.

I don't weigh no damn 300 pounds.

I weigh 165.

How you doing?

That was awesome.

Whoa!

(THUDDING)

What's that?

(FOOTSTEPS RUMBLING)

It's Rasputia.

I'm gonna show you how a bitch go down a slide.

(CREAKING)

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHING)

I'm sliding, bitches!

(WHOOPING)

(EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)

Mary, Mother of God.

Slow down! Stop! Stop!

(WHISTLING)

(SCREAMING)

How you doing?

Why does she have to go and get married, Lloyd?

Things were going so well.

(BICYCLE BELL RINGS)

There it is.

Hey.

Sorry about the concussion.

It's okay. And the whiplash.

It's okay. And the bruised stomach.

And the blood clot.

Nothing.

(TRASHY TALK SHOW PLAYING ON TV)

Mmm-hmm!

You know damn well that's your baby.

You know it's yours. Got the same chin.

The same lip.

That baby got the same head as you and the same eye...

Go take the test. Take the test.

HOST: You want to hear the test results?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) In the case of the little baby...

Well, the test says that is your baby.

How you doing?

(RINGING)

Latimore Construction, Norbit speaking.

Hey, Norbit, it's Kate.

Is there any way you can meet me in town right now?

Yeah, sure.

Great. I'm at McCormick's.

Okay. Fine.

(WOMAN COMPLAINING ON TV)

(EXCLAIMING IN RESPONSE)

Rasputia, I'm just loaded up with paperwork up to my ear.

I was wondering, could you run these permits downtown for me?

Now you tell me what in the hell I look like,

running some goddamn permits down to City Hall for your ass.

You do it.

Okay.

What's the surprise? No, I'm not telling you.

Tell me. Hey.

Hey, no, what are you doing?

Not till the last second. What? What?

You ready? Yeah, what is it?

Ta-da!

I know you don't think I'm gonna get on that thing.

Oh, I think you're gonna get on that.

Hey, no way. Hey.

Come on! Look where you wanna go. You're doing great.

You got it? You got it?

You got it?

Watch out for the fence!

(ALL GROAN)

And the mailbox.

Rasputia, the painters from the Crestview site got food poisoning.

There's vomit everywhere!

You know damn well you clean up all the vomit. You do it!

I don't feel safe.

Yeah! You're doing great!

Yeah.

The Portosans at Drummond's tipped over!

Well, go clean the shit up!

(ENGINE REVS)

Rasputia?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

And their like It's better than yours,

Damn right it's better than yours

I can teach you But I have to charge

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

And their like It's better than yours

Damn right it's better than yours

You do it!

But I have to charge

I got it!

Go!

I'm getting it!

I'm doing it! You're doing it!

Yeah, but slow down!

How?

With the brakes! The brakes!

(GROANS)

Oh, no. Are you okay?

Yeah. Actually, that was kind of fun.

Come on. Okay, help me.

Okay? Yeah, yeah.

So, I'm going to Giovanni's tonight

to choose the food for the reception.

You wanna come? Help me decide?

What about Deion?

Oh...

I just don't trust him with food.

You know, he made dinner for us the other night.

It tasted like cheap take-out.

Well, I'll go.

Good.

Well, I just have to go get my dress,

and then we can meet, say, at 7:00?

Okay, that's great.

Perfect, Norbit. Okay, see you at 7:00.

MORRIS: Norbit!

ABE: All right. Yeah, Norby.

7:00, don't be late.

(ALL TEASING)

You guys are all pervs.

I love it.

What's wrong?

Are you sure we're not rushing things?

I know we're not. I know we're not.

I couldn't be happier.

Norbit, that's a date.

No, it's not. She just wants someone...

Are you paying for this encounter this evening?

Then that's a date. Don't be trying to tell a pimp his game.

Come on, baby.

Thank you. Carmen, honey!

CARMEN: All right.

Well, who are you getting all fine for?

Oh! Hello, Rasputia. Well, that's nice.

Oh, yeah, right. Why you trying to look all extra today?

Oh, I'm just, you know, being a girl.

(EXCLAIMING)

My fiance likes it when I take care of myself.

Look to me like that fish already in his net.

You look like you fixing to catch you a new fish.

What? No. God. Don't be silly.

You're married. You're here.

I don't do this for my husband.

Girl, I do this because I have a reputation to uphold.

Everybody in this town know

that Rasputia Latimore is fine.

Ain't I fine?

WOMAN 1: You fine, girl! You are fine. WOMAN 2: Sister!

Everybody knows.

But even a delicate flower like me

need a little water from time to time.

Or a little lye in her kitchen

to help straighten out them petals.

How you doing?

Rasputia. Mmm?

Helga waiting on you, girl,

to do your bikini wax.

Here I come, girl. Mmm-hmm.

I got to go, girl. Every now and then I got to mow the lawn.

You just make sure all that sprucing up is for your fiance.

Helga, here I come, girl.

It's a full moon, too.

(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

Here we go, dear.

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Ooh, I was looking for Norbit's police whistle.

Go fish.

What's up?

BIG JACK: Everything on schedule with the wedding?

I got my own problems, but I'll handle it.

What's this situation you're talking about?

The liquor license on the orphanage.

It won't roll over when the property changes hands,

not without one of these transfer requests upfront.

Yeah, and getting a new license could take years.

Yeah, we'd be out of business before we get started.

You think you can get Kate to sign that?

Hell, no. She's planning on closing the restaurant.

It'd raise too many suspicions.

All right, smart-ass, then what we gonna do now?

(FIRMLY) Yeah.

Y-Yeah.

Norbit.

BIG JACK: Where you going, Norbit?

Sit your punk ass down.

(STUTTERING) Guys, I told Rasputia the toilet needed to be reinforced

and she said that I should take care of it,

so I'm gonna go take care of that.

I can't. No, guys, it's an accident waiting to happen.

I have to deal with it. I said forget that.

We need you to get these papers signed tonight.

Oh, no. I can't do it tonight, guys. There's an accident waiting to happen.

I have to deal with this...

Norbit, if you don't get these papers signed tonight,

we can't start the remodel on the orphanage.

That's right, punk ass.

Bullshit. I'm going for mine tonight. I got things to do!

Norbit, you better find that Kate Thomas

and get her to sign.

Yeah.

Kate Thomas?

You want me to get these papers to Kate Thomas?

BLUE: Yeah.

Okay, that's more important. I'll take care of this for you guys.

I'll get these to Kate Thomas.

That's what I told you to do.

Get your punk ass up.

Okay, I'm gonna go take these to Kate

and take my punk ass to Kate Thomas right now.

Excuse me, pardon me. Let me get through here. Thank you.

Excuse me. Going through. Hi.

Bitch ass.

Yes, I am a bitch ass. Excuse me.

Kate Thomas.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Man, it's time for a pimpalicious makeover. Let's do this.

All right. But nothing too flashy now.

I wanna be flashy, but not...

POPE SWEET JESUS: Class. I don't want no....

I was shopping for a suit the other day

And walked into the department store

Stepped on the elevator and told the girl

♪ "Dry goods floor"

Now, that's pimping.

When I got off a salesman come up to me

He said, "Now what can I do for you?"

All right, hair's bigger.

I said, "Well, go in there

♪ "and show me all the sports clothes

♪ "like you're supposed to"

He said, "Well, sure, come on in, buddy,

♪ "and dig these fabrics we got laid out on the shelf"

He said

Pick yourself out one, try it on

Stand in the mirror and dig yourself

Okay. Well, I guess this is it, guys.

Thanks a lot for all your help.

Thanks for making me fly.

You fly like a flock of birds, baby.

You look good.

Thanks, guys.

Handle this business for us, brother.

I'm gonna handle it. Gonna handle it.

Do the walk, Norbit. I got you.

Yeah.

Norbit!

Wow, Norbit!

I just picked these on the side of the road,

'cause this is just a casual get-together.

Sure. And you put the wires up the stems, too. That's a nice touch.

Norbit!

Hey, Sam.

(GREETING IN ITALIAN)

You dressed to kill, huh?

Katerina, you look beautiful.

Come sit, please.

I'm making my specialty just for you.

Hey. Did you make my favorite?

Eh! What do you think, huh?

I'm gonna take the flowers, put them into water, okay?

He's a nice man.

Your favorite?

I guess you and Rasputia come here a lot, huh?

Oh, no. We used to, but she got banned for life

because Sam had an all-you-can-eat buffet once

and she took it as a personal challenge, and it got pretty ugly.

I wanna make a toast.

Oh, sure.

To old friends.

To old friends.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

We were buddy partners, all right, Norbit. We were.

Oh!

I tell you, you know,

sometimes I think I should've never married Rasputia.

What do you mean, Norbit?

I was just really young, you know, and she latched on to me

and kind of helped me fit in and gave me a family, so...

Uh-huh.

We had nobody, Norbit.

I mean, who can blame us for wanting to feel safe, you know?

Yeah, safe.

Like you and Deion?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

I mean, it's different with Deion, obviously.

So, what have you got here? Huh?

Those are just construction papers,

permits and stuff that you have to sign.

Blah, blah, blah.

Kate, can I ask you a personal question?

Sure, what?

Do you love Deion?

Of course.

Yeah.

Otherwise, why would I be marrying him, right?

Right?

(CHUCKLING) Got your pizza.

Oh! It is about time.

I'm about to disappear up in here I'm so hungry.

Norbit out draining a swamp or something.

Yeah, he's definitely draining a swamp. He's

draining a swamp like he

would be.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

(EXHALES)

Why you looking at me like that?

Where's Norbit?

Draining a swamp.

And why are you looking at me like that?

He's out there in the woods, draining a swamp.

(LAUGHING) I told you before.

(PANICKING) I don't know nothing.

(IMPLORING) I don't know nothing, okay?

(WHIMPERING)

He's on a date with that fine skinny girl!

(SOBBING)

(SCREAMS)

It's pain time here! I ain't having this!

Oh, hell, no. And on top of that

he been messing with my seat again?

Damn it, Norbit!

(EXCLAIMS)

He got me destroying my shit.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

This is it.

It's always so beautiful in here.

Uh-huh. Peaceful.

Hello, Kate, Norbit.

Didn't know anybody was here. I was getting ready to close up shop.

You know, Kate, this all happened so fast,

I realized we never had a chance to rehearse.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

So, come on up here.

Let me at least show you where you're gonna stand.

Come on. All right.

Rasputia. You know you no allowed in here.

The hell with that. Where's Norbit?

I don't see Norbit.

Anybody is a see Norbit?

No.

He hasn't been here.

Then who

was eating

(SHRIEKING) a turkey ass?

Run! Run! Run!

At which point you'll give your vows to Deion.

Okay.

You want to practice those?

Well, I hadn't actually gotten to that quite yet.

You don't even know what you're gonna say yet?

Oh. Well, what would you say, Norbit?

I don't know.

What would I say?

(HORN BLARING)

Norbit!

(TIRES SHRIEKING)

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

(GASPING) ♪ Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

(SHRIEKING) ♪ Don't cha? ♪

What would I say if I was saying vows?

I guess...

Kate,

I think about you all day long.

And when I'm not near you,

all I think about is being near you.

And when you are near me,

I feel like I'm at peace with the whole world.

I know that...

I know I'll never have to ask God for anything

'cause, as long as I have you in my life,

I got everything I ever wanted.

And the only thing I really wanna do is just

spend the rest of my life making you

as happy as you've made me.

Because I love you, Kate.

I love you.

I don't know. Something like that.

And after the vows you would then...

Okay.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(HORN BLARING)

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, I have to go.

(STAMMERING) I'm sorry.

Awkward.

Yeah.

(EXCLAIMING IN FURY)

Give me that crowbar.

I got some killing to do.

(SNARLING)

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

(BELLOWS)

Damn it! Oh!

I'm a Christian. You got me up in this church cursing, Norbit.

(PANTING)

Death do us part, huh? Okay, Norbit.

Look like you done moved up the goddamn schedule.

I'm cursing again.

Pray, bitch, pray.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven.

Kate, please. Kate, please, I'm sorry.

Kate, please, stop and talk to me.

Please, please, Kate. Talk to me, please.

I can't, Norbit.

I'm just too confused right now.

I'm sorry. It was all my fault.

I never should have kissed you.

No.

I wanted you to.

That's why I'm so confused.

Good night.

She wanted me to.

Where the papers at, Norbit?

Got them for you right here.

I'd hate to be you right now.

Why?

Go on in the house.

Go on in.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(BLUE SNICKERING)

EARL: Go ahead, fool. What you waiting for?

BIG JACK: Get on in.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hello?

Chocolate drop, I'm home.

Lollipop?

Mail.

(EXCLAIMS) Expecting a letter, Norbit?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Oh, you frightened me.

No, I was just looking--looking through.

How was your date?

Date?

Oh! That was no date.

(TITTERING)

That was just...

I just was over at, um, uh,

what's-her-name's wedding rehearsal.

That's all. It wasn't a date, though.

Oh, really?

(SQUEAKY WHEELS APPROACHING)

(PANTING)

(LICKING)

(NORBIT GROANS)

Lloyd.

Is that you, Lloyd?

Lloyd, what am I gonna do?

Kill the bitch.

Excuse me? What'd you say?

You heard me. Rub her out.

Take her down.

Ice the bitch.

Hey. Lloyd, you're talking.

She took my legs, Norbit.

She took my legs.

You know what it's like to be a dog with no legs?

I can't raise one up to pee.

Hell, I can't even hump no more, Norbit.

Humping was my thing.

What is this, Norbit?

Some kind of weird, satanic potato art?

Mmm-mmm.

What's this?

It looks like the acid that we use down at the quarry.

Right!

But this is Miss Pretty Little Thang's little face.

And, Norbit, if you ever see her again,

if you ever talk to her again,

if you ever so much as think about the bitch again,

this is what's gonna happen to her.

(SIZZLING)

How you doing?

You get the picture, Norbit?

Deion, I just think that we need to take a beat.

It's not you, it's me.

(DOOR CLOSES) Just if we slow down, I...

Oh, good, you're up.

Deion, we need to talk.

Yes, we do.

I was just at Latimore Construction,

you know, with the renovation plans,

and I found this on Big Black's desk.

It's a request to renew the Golden Wonton's liquor license

and put it in the Latimores' name.

What?

Baby, you signed it yesterday.

Look at the date.

No. No, I didn't sign anything.

Just some permits that Norbit gave me, but...

Well, did you read them?

No.

No. Great.

I don't get it, though, Deion.

Why would the Latimores want me to renew the liquor license

Baby, people say they've been trying to get their hands on that orphanage for years.

Apparently they want to turn it into a strip joint.

(GASPING)

Disgusting.

First you gonna clean the basement,

then you gonna clean the garage,

then you gonna go upstairs and clean the attic.

We don't even have an attic.

Well, then you build a damn attic, then, Norbit!

And then clean it!

I'm going upstairs to take a bubble bath.

(STIFLING SCREAM) Bitch! You bitch!

RASPUTIA: Finally.

Mmm! I needed this.

Ooh, let me submerge this ass.

How you doing?

(GROANS IN RELIEF)

(WHOOPS)

Good and hot.

Ooh! Sounds like it's raining outside.

Oh, no.

Kate!

Norbit.

(LOWERING VOICE) Over here. Over here.

I need to talk to you.

Do you know what was in those papers you had me sign last night?

Yeah, the construction permits.

No, that's not all.

(FOOTSTEPS THUMPING)

(WOOD CREAKING)

KATE: Norbit.

(SHOUTING) Hey, just--just... Just go away, Kate!

Get out of here!

What?

You heard what I said! Just get out of here! Scram!

The Latimores are trying to take control of the orphanage, Norbit.

Well, why don't you go and--and find somebody

who gives a rat's ass,

because I--I sure as hell don't!

You don't care?

No, I--I don't care.

And I don't care about you, either!

The only woman I have ever, ever loved and ever cared about

was my darling wife, Rasputia!

But last night...

Last night I was just...

I was just trying to nail you,

you know, score?

But now I realize I don't have to do that!

All I need is my beautiful, precious wife

(PANTING)

Rasputia!

She's all the woman I need,

so you can just go on and get out of here,

you screwy dame! Who needs you?

(DOOR OPENS)

Damn, Norbit.

Did that skinny little thing figure out your plan?

Girl, you just don't get it, do you?

Norbit played you.

You got her to sign those papers, didn't you?

Yes, darling.

He been setting you up from that moment

from the very first day you got here.

How you doing?

Don't you ever talk to me again!

(TO HIMSELF) Kate.

Damn, Norbit, you pissing off everybody today.

(MIMICKING KATE) Don't you ever talk to me again!

(CAR TIRES SCREECHING)

Don't you ever talk to me again!

Never again!

(SNORING LOUDLY)

Hey, Norbit.

Mr. Wong, what are you doing around here?

I just going for a walk, Norbit.

Just going for a walk.

I live in this neighborhood long time.

Long time.

Soon I be moving on.

Yes, as I look around this neighborhood,

I realize there no good dry cleaners here.

I could make killing. Shh.

Why you got suitcase?

I'm getting the H out of here. I'm leaving town for good.

What? Leaving town?

I thought you stick around, help Kate run orphanage.

Oh, she's getting married to Deion tomorrow,

so there's no reason for me to stay around here.

No reason?

No, she won't even see me.

And besides, I'll just wind up getting hurt again.

Norbit, you listen to me.

You very special to me.

I love you like my own child,

like boy child, not girl child.

Wong once have girl child back in Shanghai.

When she two years old, I trade her for yak.

That sort of thing happen in China from time to time.

Yak very hard to come by.

Oh, yeah, sure. I appreciate that.

You can't run from your problems, Norbit.

Black people run fast, but problem even faster.

That's kind of racist.

Yes. Wong very racist. I no like black.

I no like Jew either.

But black and Jew love Chinese food.

Go figure.

Always remember two things, Norbit.

One, even though you're very ugly,

you're very strong inside, like warrior.

And two,

mail come late on Friday.

Wong Dry Cleaning.

(GROANS)

It could have been huge.

You don't even have to clean nothing, you just spray with starch.

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

Mr...

I gotta warn Kate.

(RINGING)

KATE: Hello?

Hello, Kate. Kate, it's Norbit. I have to talk to you.

Please don't call me anymore.

(PHONE CLICKS) No, Kate, it's very important.

Kate?

(HANG-UP TONE BLARING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Going somewhere, Norbit?

(EXCLAIMS) No, I was... No.

What did I tell you about leaving this house?

I was just going to get some fresh air.

Boy, you ain't going nowhere till after that wedding's done.

We got too much riding on that.

(STAMMERING) What do you have riding on the wedding?

Soon as your little friend says, "I do,"

Deion and us is gonna turn the orphanage into a titty bar.

(GASPS)

But what about the little orphans?

Hell, they can come too, if they pay the cover.

John the Baptist, stop their evil plan.

Get your ass down in the basement.

Get down there!

(STIFLING SCREAM) It's a madhouse!

A madhouse!

(RINGING)

(HORN HONKING)

Come on, Rasputia!

We gonna be late.

Yeah.

I know y'all better stop rushing me.

Beauty takes time. This don't just happen.

Oh, no. Mmm-mmm. You get out the car.

You gonna stay here and make sure Norbit don't go no place.

What? Why I gotta stay?

Because everybody know you the smartest.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(BELL TOLLING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Three minutes to show time.

Not too late to chicken out.

No, I'm ready.

Okay. You look beautiful.

P-O-W-E-R.

T to the A to the mother-stanking P.

Power-tap the fat, move back.

Power-tap the fat, move back.

(BRIDAL MARCH PLAYING ON ORGAN)

(CROWD MURMURING)

What are the Latimores doing here?

Don't worry. It's your day. You look beautiful.

Nuts.

MAN ON TV: Tap, tap, tap. Tap it off. Tap, tap. Tap...

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Norbit!

Norbit? Norbit?

Oh, damn. He escaped.

Norbit! Norbit!

Your ass is mine, Norbit!

(HORN BLARES)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Yeah.

Shh!

Just now? Shit. Is he all right?

Norbit escaped. He gonna be headed this way. Come on.

Hell, no.

Norbit is coming.

For shizzle?

We have to figure out way to stall wedding.

Just calm down, Mr. Wong.

I've ruined plenty of weddings back in the day.

Mmm-hmm! I got this.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today to join these two in holy matrimony.

Your Honor, I object!

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

Object? Sir, we've not gotten to that part yet.

Then I'm objeculating prematurely, Reverend.

No offense, my brother,

but we're just trying to keep the train rolling here.

Oh, well, if you want to get the train rolling, you know...

Y-Y-You got to use the big "L".

Lesbians.

No, man. I ain't talking about no lesbians.

Although, late at night. Yes.

Right?

Yes.

No, brother, we talking about love.

Love is the engine that drives the train forward, backwards,

side to side, round and round love does go.

You understand me? I got this, brother.

I'm not talking about no $20 up in here, back seat of the car,

stanky-stanky, hanky-panky.

No.

No.

I'm talking about good, wholesome,

fortified with eight essential vitamins love.

That cost anywhere...

How much it cost?

About $136, Monday through Fridays.

$212 on the weekends.

Because of inflation.

Can I get an "Amen"?

ALL: Amen!

You know your love

Your love keeps lifting me

Keep on lifting

Love keeps lifting me

Higher

Lifting me

Higher and higher

Oh!

Where the hell you going, Norbit?

None of your GD beeswax, Rasputia!

Look at you, you old stupid fool. You can't even ride a bike.

Oh, yes, I can, because Kate taught me!

(SCREAMS)

Brothers and sisters.

This particular one's for the brothers.

When you buy the ones that say, "Ribbed for her pleasure,"

turn them inside out

and they ribbed

for your pleasure.

Can I get an "Amen"?

ALL: Amen!

Now, speaking of ribs and pleasure.

Yes. For a limited time only, we are proud to present to you

our barbeque, baby back, horseradish,

mustard and peanut butter-encrusted ribs

with a slight Jagermeister infusion

sprinkled with chamomile leaves

with a horseradish and dandelion salad on a bed of rice.

Buy one Pimp Platter, get the whole bones free.

No, no, no! That's enough talking.

It's time to get back to the wedding.

It ain't never enough talking when you talking about love, brother.

Ain't that right?

ALL: Yeah!

Let me hear you say it, people!

ALL: Love!

Let me hear you sing it, choir!

(ORGAN BLARING) CHOIR: ♪ Love! ♪

(LIVELY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

Come, we that love the Lord

And let our joy be known...

I'm gonna rip your head off. Rasputia.

What?

Car!

I don't give a damn about no car. I'm ready to die.

Car!

(HORNS BLARING)

RASPUTIA: I'm ready to die!

(YELLING)

I'm ready to die.

I ain't gonna let you ruin Nipplopolis for me, boy!

Damn! I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die up in here.

Drive the car, God damn it!

Let those refuse to sing

Who never knew our God

What's up, white man?

Pay for your sins. Pay for your sins.

We gonna change your name to Leroy.

May speak their joys abroad

May speak their joys abroad

We're marching up to Zion

We're marching up to Zion

The beautiful city of God

(SCREAMING)

We're marching up to Zion

The beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful city

Beautiful city

The beautiful city of

God

(PEOPLE WHOOPING)

Amen!

That's enough!

That's enough! Enough! Enough! Enough! Enough!

Stop the music!

Hold on.

Shut up! You two, shut up!

That's it. This is husband-and-wife time. Now, let's go.

Let's go. Husband-and-wife stuff.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today...

I object!

(PEOPLE MURMURING) Oh, for Christ's sake!

Norbit. BOTH: Norbit.

Norbit.

(ORGAN PLAYING) CHOIR: ♪ Norbit

This wedding is a sham and I'm here to stop it.

Norbit, what are you doing?

I'm being a man for the first time in my life.

Kate...

Kate, I love you.

(PEOPLE GASPING)

What the hell did you just say?

(CROWD GASPS)

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

You heard what I said, strumpet. I love Kate!

That's right. I love you, Kate.

And the last two weeks I spent with you have meant more to me

than my whole entire miserable life with you, Rasputia!

It's over! Norbit Albert Rice is no longer your bitch!

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

(TITTERING)

(SCREECHING) You're dead!

Get off me!

Get your hands off me, Black. Don't go hitting me.

What's wrong with you, girl? What's wrong with you? Get off of me.

You don't talk like that with me.

No, no, wait, baby girl, he's ruining our wedding.

Let's just get back to the nuptials.

We just heard condom advice from an ex-pimp.

I think we can survive a few words from Norbit.

Deion is a fake. He's marrying you just to get your money.

What?

Him and the Latimores.

They thought this whole scheme up.

He's been married four times in the last six years

to four different women,

and he cheated the women out of $300,000 in divorce settlements.

Yeah, I heard all about it! And something else.

They were gonna-- They were gonna try to steal the orphanage from you.

That's what this whole thing is about!

You crazy! He's got a big crush on you.

He's making this stuff up.

Oh, yeah? I'm crazy? I'm making it all up?

Yes, you making it up. I'm making it all up?

Then what about this, then? This evidence that I have.

(LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY) Look at this!

This, well...

This used to, before it fell in the pond, it had numbers

and there was information.

There was people's names and dates and addresses

and all kinds of incriminating things.

I fell in the pond, but you can't read it.

But, boy, did I have your ass!

That's nice, Norbit. Really nice.

Did you write that yourself? Pathetic.

Kate, you have to believe me.

Yeah, yeah, believe him, Kate.

Remember the one that got you to sign the papers

to steal the orphanage? Remember that?

Believe him. Go ahead.

(STIFLING SOB) I'm so sorry, Norbit.

I just don't trust you anymore.

(RASPUTIA LAUGHING)

Well, well, well, Norbit. You lose again.

Once a loser, always a loser, huh?

Now, come on! Let's go!

(SCOFFS)

Yeah, I thought you'd feel that way about it, Kate.

And that's why I took the liberty

of inviting some of Deion's ex-wives down

so maybe they could tell you for themselves.

Ladies!

Hello, Antoine. I've been looking for you.

CHILDREN: Daddy!

Antoine? He told me his name was Luther!

Who is that ho?

He told me he was gay.

No, no, no. Y'all got me confused with my gay twin brother,

Antoine Luther.

You dead, gold digger! WOMAN 2: Get your butt back here!

I'm out!

Looks like the wedding's off, bro.

Church!

God damn it, Norbit! Oh, snap!

Get him!

Norbit!

Mother Mary! Jesus! Noah! Christ!

(SCREAMS IN PAIN)

Good.

(NORBIT EXCLAIMS)

You going somewhere, Norbit?

You messed up, boy. That's right.

Now you gonna pay.

Big time!

Latimore! Keep your fakakta hands off him!

Go back to your shop, Abe, before I kill you, too!

Hey! You gonna have to kill me, as well!

Yeah, and me, too!

Rasputia!

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

(WHISPERING) How you doing?

I kick the shit out of you.

Ooh.

Mind your goddamn business. Mind your business. Get out of here.

Move it.

CROWD: Ooh!

No, you didn't!

Bye-bye.

(SWISHING)

Bring it, bitches!

Oh, hell to the no.

Mrs. Henderson is tripping, huh?

Get your...

You crazy little old bitch.

How you doing?

Get out of the way.

His ass is mine.

'Sputia? Rasputia?

You remember "till death do us part," don't you, Norbit?

No!

MR. WONG: Whale, ho!

Did somebody just call me a whale?

Yeah, and a ho!

(SCREAMING)

Bingo! Right in the blow hole!

(SCREAMING)

Let's get some.

We dead.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Norbit!

Are you all right?

All right? This is the best I've ever felt in my whole life.

Come here.

Mmm!

POPE SWEET JESUS: Proud of that boy.

Yes. Yes, very proud of Norbit.

He like my son.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

NORBIT: In the end, I guess you could say

everything worked out just fine.

Kate and I took over the orphanage

and it was a dream come true.

Oh, and we also got married.

Again.

I love you, Kate.

Ditto.

And I now pronounce you my wife.

And I pronounce you my husband.

PREACHER: You may kiss the bride.

CHILDREN: Ew!

What you mean, "Ew"? No, "Ew."

Man kiss a woman, beautiful thing.

Ling Ling. Come here with your fine self.

CHILDREN: Ew!

I now pronounce you man and wife.

NORBIT: As for Rasputia and the rest of the Latimores,

we never heard from them again.

Rumor has it they settled somewhere in Mexico

and opened the club.

(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)

I guess they're living their dream, too.

Say, man, don't you have any better-looking girls than that?

Our best girl's coming out right now.

ANNOUNCER: Rasputia!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Don't cha?

Ain't nothing going down there unless it got the word "peso" written on it.

(IN SPANISH)

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

Don't cha?

Don't cha?

(WHOOPING)

Let's go

(LOOKING FOR YOU PLAYING)

I've been down so long

I've been hurt for so long

There were times I thought I'd never see the break of day

It was hard for me

To see your plan for me

And I tried to believe surely it won't last always

But night after night

I read in your love letter that it's gonna get better

Don't cha know that I've been looking for you

I realized nothing else will satisfy me

I'm so glad I found you

Now that I'm changed No one can keep me away from you

Ooh

You been so good to us

You brought us from a mighty long way

That's why we love you

And my enemies

Tried to come for me

And they thought that my world was coming to an end

All the while you knew

That I would make it through

I feel closer to you now than when I first began

Jesus you are

Jesus you areYou are Jesus

You are my sun right after the rain

Wherever you are

I just wanna be near you I'm so glad I can hear you

Don't cha know that I've been looking for you

I realized nothing else will satisfy me

I'm so glad I found you

Now that I'm changed no one can keep me away

Don't cha know that I've been looking for you

I realized nothing else will satisfy me

I'm so glad I found you

Now that I'm changed no one can keep me away from you

Here I go now, here I go now

Don't stop now, let's go now

In the front now, in the back now, let's go now

Ladies!

That's for the struggle

That's for the pain

That's for those dark nights

Come on, sing it with us, y'all!

Jesus you are

Jesus you areYou are Jesus

You are my sun right after the rain

Wherever you are

I just wanna be near you I'm so glad I can hear you

Don't cha know that I've been looking for you

I realized nothing else will satisfy me

I'm so glad I found you

Now that I'm changed no one can keep me away from you

Here I go now, here I go now

Don't stop now, let's go now

In the front now, in the back now, let's go now

Ladies!

That's for the struggle

That's for the pain

Come on, now, sing it with us, y'all!

Jesus you are

Jesus you areYou are Jesus

You are my sun right after the rain

Wherever you are

I just wanna be near you I'm so glad I can hear you

Don't cha know that I've been looking for you

I realized nothing else will satisfy me

I'm so glad I found you

Now that I'm changed no one can keep me away

Don't cha know that I'm so glad I found you

Now that I'm changed no one can keep me away from you

So I want you to remember

No matter what happens tomorrow

All things work together

Come on! ♪ [/BODY]

The Description of Norbit