Playing a little hooky from work today.
Oh, my God.
-Creed is eating an apple.
I found a potato.
-Yes! -Here you go.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
-No, you're all good.
I've been involved in a number of cults,
both as a leader and a follower.
You have more fun as a follower.
But you make more money as a leader.
-Does it hurt terribly?
-No, it's not too bad.
They have me on a lot of painkillers.
-Oh, really? What kind? Codeine?
Palladone? What? -I have no idea.
-[ Scoffs ]
That is Northern Lights cannabis indica.
-[ Sighs ] No.
-Ed was decapitated.
-He was drunk as a skunk. He was flying down Route 6
He slides under an 18-wheeler. Pop, it snaps right off.
-Oh, my God.
-That is the way to go -- instant death.
-You know, a human can go on living
for several hours after being decapitated.
-You're thinking of a chicken.
-What did I say?
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Oh, I steal things all the time.
It's just something I do.
I stopped caring a long time ago.
You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place
Honestly, I love stealing things.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-I'm really looking forwar to sitting down with you
and finding out more about what you do here.
-Anytime. -Yeah. What do you do here
What is wrong with this woman?
She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business.
What do I do?
Really, what do I do here?
I mean, I should've written it down.
Qua-- Quire. Qua-bo-qual.
Qua-Quabity. Quabity ashwoods.
No, no, no, no. But I'm getting close.
-Okay, Ryan, you told Toby
that Creed has a distinct old-man smell.
-I know exactly what he's talking about.
I sprout mung beans on a dam paper towel in my desk drawer.
Very nutritious, but they smell like death.
-Creed? -Yes, sir.
-Everything okay? -Everything's cool, dude.
Well, in November, I'll be 30.
-Creed, I notice you don't hav a resolution on the board.
-I want to do a cartwheel but real casual like,
not make a big deal out of it.
But I know everybody saw it,
just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.
-You know what? Don't even worry about it.
Everyone was so drunk,
I bet no one even remember what you said.
-I remember. I blogged the whole thing.
Check it out.
-Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog.
Wanting to protect the world
from being exposed to Creed's brain,
I opened up a Word documen on his computer
and put an address at the top.
I've read some of it.
Even for the Internet, it's...pretty shocking.
-Find out what language this is.
[ Speaking gibberish ]
-Someone complained that the men's room is whites only.
Stanley, you know that's not true.
-I didn't say that.
-Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door
I did it. I did a cartwheel.
-[Bleep] you. [Bleep] you. God!
-God! -That's it.
-Nobody steals from Creed Bratton
and gets away with it.
The last person to do this disappeared.
His name -- Creed Bratton.
-I made a mistake.
-Sorry I'm late, Boss. What's going on?
-[ Southern accent ] Sir, there has been a murder
And you are a suspect. -Okay. Hang on just a sec.
Let me settle in, and I'll be right back.
-Very good. Very good.
Now, no one was there in the wine cellar.
[ Tires screeching ]
-So, hey, I want to set you up with my daughter.
-Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
-I thought you were gay.
-Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
-I don't know.
-That's from me.
Where'd you get it?
-I don't know. It was so long ago.
-He obviously forgot to get me something.
And then he went into his closet and dug out this little number
and then threw it in a bag
-Yep, that's exactly what happened.
[ Indistinct talking ]
-Look at that.
She's totally flirting with him.
-You don't know that.
Some people can't help oozing sexuality.
-You ever notice you can onl ooze two things --
sexuality and pus?
Man, I tell you.
-How much do they want? -$300.
-What? No. I could get a fis for a 5-cent worm.
-Oh, you're paying way too muc for worms, man.
Who's your worm guy?
[ Knock on window ] Jim?
I hate devil's food.
-Well, I think Meredith was -- -Screw Meredith.
I don't think it's fair to let someone else
pick the cake on my birthday
-Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.
-What do you want? -I want pie. I want peach pie.
-You want birthday pie. -I want a nice cobbler.
-Well, I'm gonna talk to Angela.
We're gonna see what we can do about a pie.
-I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen.
-It'll be Angela. -Tell her it's for Creed.
She'll know what that means.
Hey, did one of you tell Stanley that I have asthma?
'Cause I don't.
If it gets out, they won't let me scuba.
If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about?
What am I working toward?
-Okay, name, please.
-Creed Bratton, 75-plus division.
-You're over 75 years old?
-82 November 1st. How much is the prize money?
-There's no prize money.
-What, is any of this real
-Listen, I may have inside information
that someone is hiding drugs in this very office.
-Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave.
-[ Clears throat ]
I cannot believe a pipe burs and left that there.
-It's no burst pipe. -How do you know that?
What is it, then?
-Hey, guys. Somebody making soup?
What are you doing in here This is the women's room.
-You're in here. -I pay for that privilege.
-I'm a pretty normal guy.
I do one weird thing.
I like to go in the women's room for number two.
I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly.
-This is Creed.
And he is in charge of...something, right?
-That is correct. -Say hi to the kids.
-Hi, kids. -Yay.
-Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?
-Ew! -What are you doing?
Stop it, stop it. Just -- No, no, no. No, no
Where's Creed? Creed? -Here.
-Quality assurance. Your job.
I really think you screwed the pooch on this one, Creed
Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.
-Every week I'm supposed t take four hours
and do a quality spot chec at the paper mill.
And, of course, the one year I blow it off, this happens.
There's my girl.
Noticed you handing out some shekels.
How would one get on that train?
-That was per diem for Philadelphia.
-Oh, that town smells like cheesesteaks.
-That town is full of history.
-Andrea's the, uh, office bitch.
You'll get used to her.
[ Telephone rings ]
Yo. Is this his new chair?
-No, he hasn't picked one yet. -God.
When Pam gets Michael's ol chair, I get Pam's old chair
Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go.
What does the first "B" stand for?
-What are we doing? -We're making acronyms.
Okay, what does the first "B stand for?
-I like it.
Business. Good, Kevin.
Alright, the "O."
I'm not offended by homosexuality.
In the '60s, I made love to many, many women,
often outdoors in the mud and the rain.
And it's possible a man slipped in.
Would be no way of knowing
-I'm collecting $3 from everybody for Kelly's party.
-I'd like to contribute. -Oh, great.
-There you go.
Heard you're having money problems.
-No, you didn't.
-Listen, I got the answer.
You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.
Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy.
When Creed Bratton gets in trouble,
he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider
-Let's put a smile on that face.
-Damn it, Creed.
I've been up since 4:00.
-I didn't realize that everybody here dresses up every year
That is really, really good timing.