I have their first album.
I have the lamest music collection.
I just wanna try and get..
Hey, interesting how during the movie
you kept grabbing onto Vince.
Well, that Bob guy was very scary.
He is a cartoon sponge.
Ahh, why don't you just admit it you so love Vince?
How many times do I have to tell you we are just..
Then why did she keep on grabbing
onto you through the whole movie?
She was going for my Junior Mints.
Yeah, but she wasn't going for my Junior Mints.
I dated her over six months. She never even touched mine.
[mouths] Thank God.
Oh. Oh, my God.
Did you see that perfect specimen?
Wow. God did good that day.
Lauren, you're hyperventilating.
- Here, u-use the bag. - Okay.
Use the bag. There you go. Breathe, in.
Oh, no, I can't. I love him.
My heart hurts.
- Guess who he is. - My future husband?
- Ryan's father. - Ryan?
That annoying kid who comes in here
every day after school and bugs the hell out of me
who I love like a son?
Do you think his daddy likes blondes?
I know he does. He asked me out.
Oh, no, I mean, how great for you.
- Hey, Val. - Hi, Ryan.
I told you my dad was nice, huh?
And I told you she was pretty, huh?
Yup, and you were right.
She is somewhere between 12 and 50.
- See you tomorrow? - Okay, bye.
Hey, I got your favorite cupcake.
Wow, look at that.
Holly got you your favorite cupcake.
I didn't get you guys anything.
Six months. Didn't get anything.
Hey, you got frosting on your nose.
- Huh? - Here.
- You get it? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, ho, ho, you so put it on.
- You're a loser. - Thank you.
You are, see?
- Vince? - This is very funny.
- Hey. - Hey.
How've you been...Danielle?
- Ricki? - Yes!
I can't believe you remembered.
- Hi. I'm Holly. - You bad boy.
It's nice to meet you too, Holly.
[sighs] You took my number and you never called.
Did you lose it?
I'm not gonna lie to you, Ricki.
I was in a coma.
Well, I'm gonna give it to you again
and you can't lose it this time.
Oh, wait, unless you guys are--
Oh, no, no. Us? We're just friends.
Yeah, we're best buds.
Perfect. So we can hook up.
Oh, my God. Yeah, you should hook up.
God, you'd be so cute together.
You'd be a super cute couple.
Hey, guys, wouldn't they be a super cute couple?
(all) Super cute.
See? Super cute couple.
♪ I just wanna say ♪
♪ Life wouldn't be the same here without you ♪
♪ Without you ♪
♪ Through the good and bad of all that we've been through ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ Hold on to me and I'll return it ♪
♪ With nothing less than all of me ♪
♪ I'll never feel alone again ♪
♪ As you walk beside me ♪♪
Stop. Don't move.
This is a perfect Christmas card.
Okay, except you.
Yeah, that'll keep my mother off my case for another year.
Lauren, when is the last time
you were at the Central Park Zoo?
We had so much fun, didn't we, Ryan?
Yeah, it was so cool.
We saw the orangutans wrestling.
[laughs] Actually they weren't wrestling.
Oh, my God, even the orangutans are getting it.
I'm nervous to get excited
but Paul is so perfect.
He's smart, he's successful.
I already love his kid.
I mean, on my checklist, he got nine out of ten.
No guy has ever scored that high.
You've got ten things on your checklist?
I've only got two and one is no sheep farmers.
What's the other?
I lied. That's the only one.
Okay, here you go. Some water.
I, uh, I better get Ryan home.
I think today kind of wore him out.
Oh, yeah. I'm kind of worn out too.
Oh, hey, why don't you take her home?
Oh, no, don't go.
I-it's cool. We can play tomorrow.
You know what I wish? I wish it was tomorrow.
You know what I wish?
I wish we could go out to dinner tomorrow night
just the two of us.
Oh, my gosh, I was thinking the same thing.
But I've got Ryan and his mom's still sick.
Oh, that's okay. The three of us have fun--
I'll watch the boy. Yeah, I babysit all the time.
Yeah, when exactly do you babysit?
Oh. Okay, well, not so much babysat
as I dated a guy who liked to get spanked.
So...Vince and Ricki.
They're a super cute couple, huh?
Yeah, yeah, super cute.
I mean, alone, she's super cute, but with him--
- Shut up. - What?
Oh, my God, you have not stopped talking about Vince
and that girl for, like, the past three days.
Do you know what this means?
They're super cute?
- You're jealous. - What?
Why would I be jealous of my friend?
Because you're in love with your friend.
Oh, my God. Tina, where are you getting this?
Oh, well, you never get like this
when Gary has a girlfriend or Ben.
Okay, well, yeah, that's because they don't date people
that are wrong for them.
Suddenly super cute is wrong for him?
You know, she's just, she's not his type.
- Really? Why? - Because I don't know.
He could do a lot better.
- With who? - With another girl.
- What girl? - I don't know.
- Yes, you do. - No, I don't.
- Yes, you do. Who's the girl? - No, I don't.
- Another girl. - Say her name.
- No. I can't. - Say it. Say it.
I really thought that these last few weeks
of me being friends with him
was gonna be good enough, but it's not.
And it's not because I'm jealous.
Maybe seeing him with that other girl
just gave me that little push that I needed.
I don't want him to be with another girl, Tina.
I want him to be with me.
Oh, thank God
because you guys are super cute together.
Oh, my God, I gotta go tell him.
- Good. Go, go, go. - Wait, wait, wait.
But I don't wanna just blurt it out.
I mean, I've been waiting so long to tell him.
I want it to be perfect and romantic.
Oh, you know what would be perfect?
His birthday is on Saturday.
Give him you. We know he's never had that.
You know what? His birthday is the perfect night to tell him.
But wait, what if he already has birthday plans?
Uh, throw him a surprise party and then when he comes over
and he finds out that it's just the two of you
Wait, but if it's a surprise party
how is he gonna know about it?
Okay, this is where
your big-mouthed friend Tina comes in.
I will accidentally let it slip to Vince
about the surprise party
but I will make him swear
not to tell anyone he knows
because you'll get really mad at me
and you're already really mad at me because I had sex with him..
Too much rehashing?
Well, when you're using Tax Form 941
you have to enter the ending month of the quarter and year.
But when you're using Tax Form 940
you have to enter the tax year
'the agent will begin the annual filing.'
Wow, that is a long answer
for when do you usually get home.
I know we're having fun here
but if I can be serious for a minute.
As a small business owner, you should look carefully
at your tax planning.
I will do that.
I'd be glad to explain your SSI withholding requirements.
So, Paul, w-what, uh
what do you do when you're not doing taxes?
I mean, you know, like April 16th.
Actually, it's a myth that April 16th isn't busy for us.
That's the day when we start filing extensions.
'I'll tell you, Val. I could tell you some stories.'
You know what, I think maybe we should call
Lauren and check on Ryan, huh?
Oh, that'd be great. Um, while you do that
I'm gonna run to the car. You gotta see form 8655.
There's a typo in there that's just a hoot-and-a-half.
Oh, okay. Goody.
Come right back.
[cell phone rings]
- Val? - Mm. Lauren.
Do you need me to babysit overnight?
- 'How's Ryan?' - Who?
Oh, the kid. Right.
No, he's great. I beat him at Crazy Eights.
Hey! Come on, loser.
Let's put a little elbow grease into this.
So, how's it going with you?
Oh, God, Lauren.
Why is it every guy that's so perfect for me on paper is so..
Why can't he be more like his son?
Well, have you made out with him?
Oh, you mean the big one.
No, I just told you we have no chemistry.
(Lauren) Let me tell you something, Valerie.
Sometimes fellas with no personality make up for it
in the nether regions.
- I'm hanging up. - Kiss him.
- I am not gonna kiss him. - Kiss him.
He is a nine out of ten.
You've gotta at least try to kiss.
Maybe bells will go off and it will trigger something.
Like a personality.
- Lauren, I don't know-- - You're pushing 30.
Oh, I guess one kiss ain't gonna kill me.
Oh, my God, Tina, I just set up
the most romantic table for two on the terrace.
[gasps] Oh, and I also got two beautiful steaks
and I also bought the most amazing cake.
Guess what I had them write on it?
"I love you, Vince."
Oh, I know.
Oh, my God, I am so excited, but I'm so nervous
and I also have the worst pain in my stomach.
Oh, I just left my tag on. Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's here.
He's here. Oh, my God.
I cannot believe I've waited so long for this
and I'm finally gonna tell him.
Tina, thank you so much for all of your help.
Okay, call me when you get this message.
Oh, my God.
[whispers] So when does everybody else gonna jump out
and say "Surprise?"
[whispers] They're not.
Wait till you hear.
Hey, uh, Niki.
Oh, my God. It is the funniest story.
What's the funny story?
Okay, so get this.
I totally forgot and I meant to tell the people
to come early who were supposed to come late
and I told you guys to come early, late, you know.
Oh, I get it.
I come in thinking the surprise party's been ruined
get all bummed, then all of a sudden, everybody pops out
and yells "Surprise." Ooh, it's a double-double.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Double-double.
Oh, there's a terrace.
I bet they're all hiding out there.
No. No, no, no.
They're, they're not hiding on the terrace.
Holly, you are a bad liar. Come on.
Uh, okay, well
the romantic table that's set for two
is just one of the many romantic tables
that was yet to come.
[banging on door] Tina. Tina.
- Hey, what's up? - Get dressed.
Call Gary and Ben and get over to my place immediately.
You know, forget it. No time to get dressed.
- Just lose the mud. - Why?
Because you look like an idiot.
Okay, what, what is going on here?
Okay. It's Vince's surprise party.
He showed up with Ricki.
- Oh, my God! - I know. Shut up.
No time for shock.
Just call everybody and just tell them
I forgot to send them an e-vite, okay?
Uh, I didn't get an e-vite.
You did, Tina.
- What do you want-- - Okay, stop it.
Just come over now and eat something before you come.
- Why? - Because I have two steaks.
And six people to feed.
Okay? And yeah, I'm gonna need these cucumbers.
No, wait, they-they have green mud all over them.
Or a lovely avocado dip.
- Wow. - Yep.
- Nothing. - No.
Well, the bread was delicious.
And we did discuss business, so I can deduct dinner.
I finished cleaning my table.
You beat me again.
Now let's see if you can beat me
at "Scrub the pans."
- Oh, game over. Okay. - Val.
- Hey, buddy. - Hey, dad.
So, uh, you're back awfully 7:30-ish.
- Mm-hmm. - How was the kiss?
Would it be okay if I break it to Ryan?
Yeah. Thanks. I'll go get the car.
Um, if the kid says anything about child labor
he is a kidder.
Listen, Ryan. You're a really nice guy.
Uh-oh. The nice guy speech.
I really tried. I wanted this to work.
I mean, it was so perfect on paper.
If it's not there, it's not there.
Oh, you're so sweet.
You're making this so hard.
This is the hardest breakup I've ever been through.
And I've been through plenty.
Okay. Do you think maybe we could still be friends?
We have enough friends.
We're looking for a relationship.
That sounds like my line.
Oh, come here. Give me a hug.
Oh. You know what?
If I ever have a son someday
I hope he's just like you.
Well, you'll have a better shot if you marry my dad.
That ship has sailed, little man.
- Bye-bye, sweetie. - Bye.
Well, we just got Paul's Bentley out of the lot, Val.
Did you know he had a Bentley?
That's the gazillion-dollar English car.
I don't care about Bentleys.
I don't care if he's perfect on paper.
If there's no chemistry, then I'd rather be alone.
Oh. Well, congratulations.
Your wish has come true.
Mmm, these cucumbers are good.
Who made the avocado dip?
I wouldn't wanna eat something that was meant for someone
who was actually invited.
What is your problem?
All I know is if I was having a surprise party
for your best friend, you would have been the first one
I'd invite. I'm hurt, Holly, I'm hurt.
You know, you start to think of yourself as part of a group
and all of a sudden, find out you're not.
- I'm not made of stone. - It's very cold.
Oh, my God, I told you.
I sent you both an e-vite.
Tina got hers. Didn't you, Tina?
Totally got it.
Of course, she got invited to Vince's party.
She slept with him, for God's sake.
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ Will Tina meet me on the patio? ♪
♪ Everyone just talk amongst yourselves ♪♪
I cannot believe this.
I was just about to tell him that I love him
and he is here with another girl.
My God, I hate him. I feel sick.
Ooh, did you eat the pickles wrapped in bologna?
Help me, Tina, we gotta get everybody out of here.
I cannot even look at him. Oh, my God.
- Gary's getting the cake. - So?
It's the "I love you, Vince" cake.
Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary!
What? What? What? Now I can't have no birthday cake?
Oh, we need plates.
What? What? I'm getting us plates.
- Holly - Oh, you know what?
I'm gonna check on those bug zappers
because there's a lot of bugs. Zzz.
Oh, there's a big one.
- Holly? - Yeah?
What's up, birthday boy?
I saw what was written on the cake.
Oh. Happy birthday, Vince? I know.
It's not the most clever.
It said, "I love you, Vince."
Holly, did you have plans just for the two of us tonight?
No. No, no, no. Why would you say that?
No one else got a invitation
you planned a candlelight dinner for two
and you bought a cake that said "I love you, Vince."
Well, somebody's got quite the ego.
Will you stop it?
Just for once, can't you just open up
and be honest with your feelings?
You want honesty? You want open-inity?
Well, I think that it is horrible that you would show up
to my surprise party with another girl.
Well, I don't think she thinks you're--
Not me and her. Me and you.
You told me a thousand times, we're just friends.
You told Ricki we're just friends.
You practically told me to go out with her.
And you read into that? Oh, my God.
How am I ever gonna be able to trust you again?
Are you ever gonna be able to stop going out with other girls?
Are you insane?
For the past few months, I have been living
like a monk trying to get you to trust me again.
Okay, well, I'm sorry that it's so hard for you.
Stop turning this on me.
You know how I feel about you.
I'm in love with you. I want to be with you.
I don't want anyone else.
And-and you know what I'm starting to think?
The problem isn't me.
- Me? - Yes, you.
Holly, our problem isn't about Ricki.
It isn't about trust. It isn't about other girls.
It's about you finding reasons to keep us apart.
Oh, my God, that is so ridiculous.
Think about it, Holly.
I'm not the one who's afraid of a commitment.
I'm really screwed up.
You are? I just broke up with an eight year old.
Want some cake?
Dare I ask where you keep the ice cream?
Honey, today I learned chemistry is so important
and if you've got it, go for it.
And you and Vince have it.
I mean, I don't know, but maybe Vince is right.
- Maybe he's on to something. - Oh, my God.
I cannot believe that you're taking his side.
- No, I'm not. - Yeah-huh.
Otherwise you would have said, "Holly, I think
you're on to something."
Maybe you just need to take a look at who's pushing who away
in this little non-relationship thing you've got going.
I mean, maybe Vince isn't the one with the problem.
Maybe it is you.
Maybe it is me.
What am I gonna do?
How am I gonna fix me?
Well, for starters, you should stop serving people
cake off your ass.
I'm just, I was just trying to be funny, that's all.