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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Those Big Pink Things with Coconut

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Hey, buddy.

Hey, Uncle Charlie.

Ready for a fun weekend?

He's not going to have a fun weekend, Charlie.

He's going to study for a history test on Monday.

Well, if believing that gets you back in your car,

I'll play along.

Where's Alan?

He's not here.

Really? I told him I was on my way.

That might be why he's not here.

Okay, I'll just have to go over everything with you.

I'm going to visit my parents for a few days

so I won't be picking Jake up until Wednesday.

That means Alan has to take him to school.

Monday is soccer practice.

He has his math tutor and his guitar teacher

on Tuesday afternoon...

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Oh, hi, Judith.

Alan, why are you avoiding me?

I'm not avoiding you as much as...

Hiding.

Thank you.

Why were you hiding?

Why does the wounded gazelle

hide from the stealthy jaguar?

Why does the helpless piglet

hide from the ravenous wolverine?

Animal Planet.

You learn a lot.

We need to talk about your pain-in-the-ass mother.

Ah. You know, I would love to,

but as Charlie told you, I'm not here.

I let her take Jake out to dinner

and when she brought him home

she lectured me for 15 minutes

about his dirty ears.

15 minutes, huh?

How long is this gonna take?

Like I'm a bad parent.

Let her try to get a Q-tip

in a squirming 11-year-old boy's ear.

Mom didn't believe in Q-tips.

She had a squirt gun.

You know, the woolly meerkat of western Africa

buries her cubs up to their necks

and licks their ears clean.

What? It seemed apropos.

You need to tell your mother if she wants to spend time

with her grandson, she needs to back off.

Okay, I'll tell her.

Thank you.

And I'll tell Alan you stopped by.

Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men

Men. ♪

Okay, "Lewis and Clark explored what?"

Um... I don't remember.

You just read that chapter.

Yeah, but Lewis and Clark was a long time ago.

Thanks for the ride, Sally!

And for getting me home, too.

( laughs )

Why is that funny?

It's not.

Mustang Sally... ♪

Giddyap!

Now, Lewis and Clark...

Face it, Dad, I'm just not good at history.

Oh, really?

What'd you have for lunch yesterday?

Um, a pizza square.

Actually, two pizza squares,

a ice cream sandwich, and a bag of Skittles.

Okay, see, that's history.

And a Ding-Dong and diet root beer.

Great.

Wait, it wasn't a Ding-Dong, it was a Ho-Ho.

Got it.

( drunkenly ): You know what I like?

Those big pink things with coconut.

Sno Balls?

Exactly.

Can you still get those?

Yeah, but not at the supermarket.

You have to go to 7-Eleven.

Thank you.

Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?

No, we are trying to study.

All right, I'll hoof it.

Can I bring you back something?

Ding-Dong.

Who's there?

Charlie, I'm trying to get him ready for his test.

Sorry. Sorry.

You go ahead.

I'll pretend I'm not here.

Okay.

"Lewis and Clark explored what?"

( buzzes )

Louisiana Purchase.

Right.

I knew that.

Yeah, but Uncle Charlie buzzed first.

And I'm still buzzed.

Okay, give me another question.

All right.

"Seward's Folly is another name for...?"

( both buzzing )

Jake.

Alaska.

Very good.

Oh. I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.

Okay, the score is one to one.

Although, now that you mention it,

an Eskimo Pie would go down pretty good right now.

Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?

No. Next question.

"The War of 1812..."

( buzzes ) 1812.

No.

( buzzes ) 1813.

Let me finish the question.

"The War of 1812 was fought against whom?"

( buzzes ) The British.

Very good. Two to one, Jake.

Yes!

No fair.

My buzzer's broken.

Next question...

Let me try yours.

( buzzes )

See? His works.

Men. ♪

All right, contestants,

we are at the final round.

The questions are worth more

and the answers are harder.

( buzzes ) True.

Wait for a question.

( whiny ): Okay.

Here we go:

Name three changes in American life

brought about by the Industrial Revolution.

( buzzes )

Population shift to the cities,

employment moving from farms to factories and, uh...

( buzzes )

Yes?

Sorry, I hit it by mistake.

( buzzes ) Settlement of the West!

That's correct!

You're our new champion.

Yes!

( buzzes )

( slurred ): Settlement of the West.

See, Jake, you know this stuff.

Yeah, I guess I do.

Trust me, you are gonna do great on that test.

Yeah. Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome.

Now go get ready for bed.

I'll be there in a minute to tuck you in.

Okeydokey.

Men. ♪

Oh, I gotta get a security camera.

Where's your brother?

I want to talk to him.

He's not here.

Oh, really.

No, he's actually not here.

You know what his ex-wife said to me?

Mom, please go away.

She never calls me "Mom," but that was the gist of it.

I took Jake out to dinner...

You're just pretending not to understand me, right?

Right. And all I did was suggest to Judith

that she might want to pay a little more attention

to her son's ear hygiene.

Not only was she completely unappreciative,

but she had the nerve

to denigrate how I raised my sons.

Yeah, 'cause w-w-we turned out s-s-so well.

Excuse me,

but whatever emotional issues you think you have,

I kept your ears spotless.

I remember.

You used the same Super Soaker to keep us off the furniture.

Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting noted scholar and "A" student, Jake Harper!

( cheering )

You got an "A"?

I got an "A"!

All right! Way to go!

Congratulations, Jake.

Thanks, Grandma. It's my first "A" this year.

Really?

Well, it's none too soon then.

Mom, leave it alone.

I'm not saying anything. I think it's wonderful.

Did anybody else in your class get an "A"?

Almost everybody. Why?

I was just curious as to how hard the test was.

It doesn't matter, Mom. It's still an "A."

And an "A" is very nice.

I just don't know why you're making such a big fuss

if they're just handing them out like rubella vaccinations.

I don't know, looks like a pretty hard test to me.

No, it was easy.

That's because you studied.

You earned that "A."

Wendy Cho got an A-plus.

You hear that?

Wendy Cho got an A-plus.

Wendy Cho is a freak of nature.

She cloned a goldfish for the science fair.

We can't compare Jake to her.

Well, who should we compare him to then,

the paste eaters and the uni-brows?

Darling, if you set the bar low in childhood,

he may never reach the heights he's capable of.

You're condemning him

to a life of failure and mediocrity.

Is that what you want, Jake?

A life of failure and mediocrity?

No.

You see?

He may well be sharper than you give him credit for.

I'm gonna go to my room.

I am putting that "A" paper up on the fridge.

Wow, Texas used to be a separate country.

Why'd we change that?

Not now, Charlie.

How dare you?!

Excuse me?

He worked hard on that test.

He was finally feeling good about himself and his abilities

and, in less than 30 seconds,

you managed to suck every bit of self-esteem out of him.

You're like a... a... a...

Self-esteem sucker.

Yes, exactly.

Alan, I was just having a conversation with the boy.

No, you don't have conversations. You...

Suck self-esteem.

I would've gotten it.

Mom, I'm sorry, but I don't think

I want you around my son anymore.

What?!

You heard me.

I will not have you do to him what you did to me and Charlie.

What did I do to you and Charlie?

What did you do!?

What did she...?

Charlie, tell her.

Why tell her

when we can show her?

I see.

So you're both turning against me.

Oh, I turned a long time ago.

Alan's just catching up.

All right...

Fine.

If I'm not welcome here, I'll leave.

My own sons are throwing me out.

Good-bye.

( door closes )

This isn't over, is it?

No, we're screwed.

( phone ringing )

Let me guess.

Mom.

She's been calling all morning.

I'm starting to feel a little guilty.

You can't show weakness, Alan.

She'll sense it.

Like the hooded cobra senses the rapid heartbeat

of a panic-stricken kangaroo rat.

Don't you feel even a little bit sorry for her?

Does the mongoose feel sorry for the wounded garden snake?

Does the dingo feel sorry

for the slow-crawling Australian baby?

You guys okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, we're fine.

Why?

Your mother just called me.

She said she's been trying to reach you all morning

and she's very worried.

We're fine, Rose.

We're just not talking to her.

Why?

Because she tried to encourage Jake

to live up to his potential?

That's a reason to throw her out

and slam the door in her face?

How could you be so cruel to your own mother?

And the dingo has found another Australian baby.

Rose, that's not what happened.

We were protecting Jake.

How?

By ripping his only grandmother out of his life?

He has another grandmother.

Oh, right; the Sacramento pill freak.

Is that what she told you?

Well, for the record, Jake's other grandmother

is out of rehab and doing just fine.

We appreciate your concern, Rose.

Thanks for stopping by.

Oh, so now you're just going to slam the door in my face?

Pretty much.

Not as satisfying with a glass door.

Okay, first, she starts with phone calls,

then she sent Rose over... wonder what's next.

I don't know, but I'm betting it'll be something big.

Right...

I understand. It's terrible.

Okay, let me see what I can do about it.

How in the hell did your mother get my cell phone number?

Men. ♪

NARRATOR: Sometimes, when the nest is threatened,

these seemingly docile creatures

have been known to eat their own young.

Did Mom call you at the office today?

No. She call here?

No. It's been pretty quiet.

Yeah... maybe too quiet.

And here we see the female praying mantis after copulation,

devouring her mate.

Your ex-wife back from her parents'?

Yeah, I dropped Jake off with her this afternoon.

Apparently, her mom had a little relapse with the pills.

Oh, yeah?

They found her in her pajamas

driving an imaginary car

through the home and garden section

of the local Wal-Mart.

How could they tell she was driving an imaginary car?

She rolled down the window

to ask for directions to the pharmacy.

Ah.

( phone ringing )

( mutes TV )

Not Mom.

Hello.

Yeah, this is Charlie Harper.

What?

I see.

Okay then, thanks for letting me know.

Who was that?

St. John's Hospital.

Apparently our mother

checked herself in early this evening

with chest pains and breathing difficulties.

Oh my God!

Ever wonder who the first guy to put pineapple on pizza?

I bet he was gay.

Charlie...

No straight guy is going to say,

"You know what this pizza could use?

A pineapple ring."

But God bless him; it's good.

Charlie, is Mom okay?

Of course she's okay. She's faking.

How can you be so sure?

It really doesn't make any difference.

If she is faking and we rush to see her, she wins.

If she's not faking and we ignore her,

she gets to complain about

what horrible, ungrateful sons we are and she still wins.

What if she's not faking and she dies?

Well, look at you, Mr. Glass Half-Full.

I can't help thinking this is all my fault.

I told Mom she couldn't see her grandson anymore

and she got so upset she had a heart attack.

Alan, you forget who you're dealing with.

This woman buried two husbands and divorced two others.

She's lived through wars, riots and earthquakes.

The only way you're going to bring her down

is with a wooden stake dipped in holy water.

Ah, here we are.

Oh my God! Mommy?!

Excuse me...

Are you family?

Yeah, we're her sons.

How is she, Doctor? Is she going to be okay?

Please tell me she's going to be okay.

Your mother's going to be fine.

I've run a battery of tests--

I can't find a thing wrong with her.

Are you sure?

As sure as I can be.

Her heart's fine, lungs are fine, blood chemistry is good,

EEG is normal...

Oh, thank God.

That bitch!

Yeah, tell me about it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to tell her she can go home.

Oh no, please, let us.

Yeah, we owe her that.

Suit yourself.

Oh, better hurry, though.

The nurses are circulating a "do not revive" petition.

You said there was nothing wrong with her.

It's a big hospital.

Things happen.

What do we do now?

Don't worry, I've got a plan.

Oh, great. He has a plan.

Mom?

Charlie, is that you?

Alan's here, too, Mom.

Hi, Mom.

Boys, you didn't have to come.

Are you kidding? Of course we did.

Right, Alan?

Of course.

Tell us what happened.

I came home this afternoon, alone.

I was walking up the stairs, alone.

And I had trouble breathing.

So I drove myself to the hospital.

Alone.

Why did you drive yourself?

I didn't want to bother the ambulance people.

Why didn't you call us?

Oh, you've both made it very clear

how you feel about me.

Now that's not fair.

Just tell Jake his grandmommy loves him very much.

Don't talk like that.

You can tell him yourself, after the operation.

What operation?

Relax, relax.

Quadruple bypasses are routine these days.

Quadruple...?!

CHARLIE: Yeah, you got

four clogged arteries.

Right, Alan?

Uh, right.

The doctor said it's lucky

you came when you did.

Another few days and you'd have been flopping around

on the floor like a carp.

CHARLIE: It's no big deal, Mom.

They just crack you open, flush out the pipes,

sew you back up and you're good as new.

They're prepping the O.R. as we speak.

CHARLIE: We got the best surgeon available on short notice.

He's young, but really sharp.

And very well-respected in his own country.

Well, all right.

If it has to be done, it has to be done.

I love you boys.

If the worst should happen,

please remember that.

Yeah, sure.

Of course.

Oh my God, Evelyn, are you all right?

Oh, Judith... is that you?

Yes. I'm right here. Jake's here, too.

Oh, Jake, come to Grandmommy, darling.

I'm sorry you feel bad, Grandma.

Oh, Grandmommy's feeling much better now that her little man is here.

I made you a get well card.

Oh, isn't that nice.

The gift shop wasn't open?

You said you had a plan.

Well, guess what? It was a bad plan.

Alan, calm down.

The plan sucked.

Don't worry.

Don't worry?!

She's expecting a quadruple bypass.

What are we going to do?

We're going to get her one.

There must be someone around here

who can handle a rib spreader.

Charlie, that's insane.

You're right. There's no time.

Better scrub up.

She had to drive herself to the hospital?!

What is wrong with you two?

Relax, Judith. She's not sick.

What?

She's faking and we called her bluff,

and then she called ours.

So now we're going to have to cut her open.

You want in?

Hey, guess what?

After Grandma's operation,

she's going to take me to Magic Mountain.

Is that okay, Dad?

Yeah, yeah, that's okay.

We're going to have to tell her the truth, Charlie.

Are you sure?

We don't need to do the bypass.

All we got to do is put her out and slice her open.

The scar will sell it.

The truth, Charlie.

Doesn't have to be a big scar.

Okay, Doctor, let's schedule this as quickly as possible.

Great, I'll be here.

Hello, boys.

What are you doing?

Well, if I'm going to have to have surgery,

I want my own doctor.

Mom, you don't really need a surgeon.

Oh, but I do.

Your quadruple bypass story makes the perfect cover

for a little nip-tuck.

No turkey neck for Grandmommy, right?

Now,

about Jake-- I told him I'd take him to Magic Mountain,

but you know how I feel about direct sunlight.

Yeah, and wolfbane.

You'll take him for me, won't you, Charlie?

Sure, Mom.

I'll make it up to him by taking him out for a haircut

and some decent clothes.

He'll like that.

Sure, Mom.

Maybe when his mother sees how nice he could look

she'll take the hint

and stop dressing him like a tackling dummy.

Oh, the food here is just dreadful,

so why don't you boys run across the street

( electronic tone )

and get me a nice grilled Ahi tuna.

Charlie, what

in God's name are you doing?

Just practicing.

NARRATOR: The worker bees, or drones,

live a life of utter devotion to their queen.

You had a plan.

NARRATOR: From birth, these industrious yet mindless creatures

slave away to fulfill the queen's every need.

( goofy voice ): "Don't worry, Alan,

I have a plan."

NARRATOR: Until finally, they reach the end of their brief life-span

and die, becoming food and building materials

for the rest of the hive.

( nasal, tight-lipped ): Alan, where's my sandwich?

Coming, Mom.

NARRATOR: A cruel existence?

Perhaps, but that's life on the Animal Planet.

The Description of Those Big Pink Things with Coconut