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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: I Catfished My Kid On TLC

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Ethan: Coby Person seems to be the sole influence of TLC's new show.

"I catfished my kid!"

*whistle*

It appears to be based entirely on Coby's 2015 prank: The Dangers of Social Media.

In which parents went under cover, catfished and kidnapped their own children,

which was absolutely delightful and one of my favorite videos of all time.

Father from Coby's video: MICHAELA! ARE YOU CRAZY?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!

Ethan: I really don't get it.

If you're gonna rip someone off, why rip off a YouTube prankster? than that

There really has to be better ideas to steal than that.

Although the original video does have 56 million views, so Who am I to judge?

Well, I'll tell you one thing for certain: with all the class, taste, and good judgment TLC has shown thus far, you know this one is gonna be juicy.

I present to you a show based entirely on one shitty YouTube prank.

Enjoy

*H3H3 Theme* Michelle Obama: Wow, Ethan, great moves. Keep it up, I'm proud of you!

*H3H3 Theme*

The Shirks' Home Camarillo, California

Elliot: I took a couple days and...

we made a profile that I think Mariah is gonna connect with.

Are you guys ready to meet this entirely fake person that we've created out of nothing?

Lisa laughing: Alright.

Elliot: Lisa, Mark, I want you guys to meet Mason Williams.

He's Mariah's age, he dresses very kind of trendy very with it.

"FRESH CUT #$W4GZ"

You know, he's a cool kid-

Ethan: Fresh-cut swags man...

When you say fresh-cut swags and you have a zipper on your sleve

and you're creating fake profiles to flirt with little girls, the only conclusion is that you're way too good at this.

Elliot: "Fresh Cut Swags"

*slowmotion*

*slower* NBC show: Would you have a seat right there please?

"Swag"

???: So, what were you so pumped for?

Elliot: You know, he's a cool kid.

He's in(?) nature just like Mariah is.

He also is a photographer and this is all part of the ploy, too, so that when we reach out to her we can be like hey

do you want to actually have your picture taken because I do photography.

And then she can go through and see this and be like, "oh my gosh, I definitely want my photo taken!"

"Swags"

Ethan: You don't need to act like you're a predator. You have a zipper right there in your arm.

You know what these little pockets here in your arm (are) for? Lubricant and condoms for quick access.

That's the only purpose of a pocket right there. What? Oh, oh, let me grab some change.

Yeah, right. It's date rape drugs, it's condoms and it's lube for quick access, dude.

Elliot: Here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna let you guys navigate this.

What do you guys think we should say to Mariah?

Lisa: Uhh, what's up or something?

(Like that)

Elliot: That's good. That's- Mark: Yeah. Lisa: Something like a guy would say, you know.

Elliot: Type it in, go for it!

Ethan: Yeah! "What's up?"

Ooooh, you are Shakespeare!

Lisa: "Uhm, what's up or something?"

Ethan: Can I see your butthole? That's what the dad wanted to open with.

"Can you show me your butthole?" They're like "that's a little aggressive. How about what's up?" 's like, alright.

Elliot: Type it in, go for it-

Mark interrupts: You can type it.

Mason: "What's up?"

Elliot: Okay, click send!

Boom.

Ethan: I like how he slides the laptop (tablet) to the mom to make her type it in,

he's like "I just want this to be known for posterity for when your daughter is watching this with her

therapist many years from now, that she'll know that it was you, her own mom, and not the show that stabbed the knife into her back.

That it was you who typed "What's up," that epic poetry that we all agreed upon?" "Yeah, take that my old daughter!

You must be damaged as I am!"

Elliot: We have made contact and we'll know she'll be willing to talk to us privately.

Elliot: Oh, there you go. Mark: Oh my god. She's already responded.

What do you guys want to say next?

Lisa: What are your plans for today?

???: Go for it. That's a good one because you're like making it about today and about the other person.

Ethan: Oh, brilliant!

"What are your plans today?" I mean lady. Are you in the writings- uh, Writers Guild?

Are you- are you classically trained?

You know when you think about it, this is almost like a predator tutorial.

Elliot: That's a good one.

Ethan: Oh, that was really smart because it's about today, getting her as soon as possible before anyone else finds out about this conversation,

and it's about a media. It's personal, we got to get her in that van today.

It's almost like a get quick, like a rape quick

ra- rape quick scheme.

"How to get a little girl in your van today!"

Elliot: That's a good one. Mason: What are your plans for today?

She said "Parents kicked me out of the house for some alone time."

"Ha ha so I'm stuck babysitting my brother and sister."

Mark: Oh, that's nice, now he knows that she's got a brother and sister.

Elliot: And then she's away from her parents.

Mike: He not only knows that she's alone, but that my other two children are alone, too, including my seven-year-old daughter.

*silence*

*slow motion* "my seven-year-old daughter"

Elliot: What's Mason doing today?

Lisa: I was thinking about hitting up the beach.

Elliot: Great! Mark, you want to say "hitting the beach?"

Mark quietly: Okay, here we go.

Mason: I'm hitting up the beach

Ethan: Mark, would you like to slide the dagger into your daughter's back and- and uhh..

ensure years of therapy-? How about the beach?

*Ethan makes loud noise*

You want to go to the beach?

Scratchy voice: Yeah!

*noises* Just blood squirting everywhere. *more noises* His face is covered in blood.

Scratchy voice: You wanna meet me at the beach?

That's how she sees this, by the way, watching his back

Elliot: We could find a photo of a beach and send it to her to kind of drive the point home.

So this is a trick that actual predators use to look real.

What I'm gonna do now is quickly edit this photo, in the tablet.

So I'm going to take this down. We're going to get rid of this other account.

And I'm going to click done, so now it's just the photo. There's no way to prove that I didn't take that photo. (although it still can be proven)

Lisa: Really looks real. (to idiots it does)

That's... scary.

Mark: It's incredible how many tools are there these predators to create the perfect world to lure their victims in?

*Ethan parodying hackers and catfishes*

Ethan: I'm in.

Lisa: 's see if she responds to that one.

Mariah: 😍 Wow.

Mark & Lisa: Oh.

Wow

Mark: Oh god...

Lisa: Yikes!

Mark: And a happy face? Elliot: That's not just a happy face, that's happy face with hearts in the eyes.

Mark: That's not good.

*slowmotion*

Ethan: That's not just any happy face buddy, that is a happy face with hearts,

and where I come from, that means you're ready to be drugged, gagged, thrown in a van, catfished by your own parents, and sodomized!

Did you see those hearts for the eyes? I am so certain that your daughter is (a)

READYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

to be FUCKED!

Elliot: How does it make you feel?

Lisa: Nervous..?

She's jumping in on it.

Mark: Just nervous, yeah. Oh, she's saying goodbye. Looks like it's TTYL snap. Lisa: "Talk to you later"

Mark: Ahh..

Ethan: Somebody's been studying their child sexting acronyms on the nightly news.

I'm glad that mom is keeping up with the, uh, lingo.

Bobby Sisk: Do you know what your children are texting these days?

Elliot: Great job guys!

Mark: Learning good things and bad things here.

Elliot laughs: Yeah. Lisa: I don't know if it's good or not. *laughs*

Mark: Elliott's planning on continuing the conversation and we will see how aggressive she is.

Elliot: So, today is the day we have successfully established a messaging relationship with Mariah.

I have been successfully flirting with Mariah over the past two weeks, one-on-one,

uhm, she shared nudes with me, which I didn't expect and frankly I am a criminal now,

I have child pornography. I may have reciprocated,

it's in her picture of my dick,

but it's all in the purpose of establishing a credible connection so that we can pretend to prey on her.

Elliot: now the only thing left to do is-

Ethan: Rape her.

Elliot: Is to invite her to this park.

Ethan: Oh, invite her to the park. That's about the same. Meh, means about the same thing.

Elliot: We're gonna say that Mason is doing a photo shoot,

and he wants her to come model.

Okay, now we wait.

*notification sound* Elliot: Okay, think she's responded, yep, and let's see.

Mariah said: "Awesome! What should I wear?"

Imma say she should wear something summery and that I look forward to meeting her.

Ethan: Something "SUMMERY."

HAHAHA, I know what that means dude! Eh, a little skirt!

Yeah, a little summery!

*evil laugh* Yes!

You don't need a lot of clothes cuz it's hot outside!

YEEEEEEES

AAAAAAAAAAH!!

Mariah: "Cool! Can't wait to do the shoot c u soon!" "See you at 4!"

Elliot: I think that's about as confirmation as you can get-

We are 45 minutes out, Mariah should be arriving shortly.

I told her to come here to this gazebo in the middle of this park to have some photos taken.

At first glance, this place seems totally normal, but there are actually cameras everywhere.

Ethan: I mean, did nobody think that this one's unethical?

Did you see the amount of cameras they have set up everywhere watching this poor girl, like...

Like loo- look at this shit, like, everyone involved here.

This is like a hundred thousand dollars like FBI surveillance van lens.

Did anybody stop and say "this is kind of fucked up. This is like a 12, 13 year old girl."

Uhm, and also can I mention the most effed up part of this is that they're having her meet him at a gazebo?

Elliot: I told her to come here to this gazebo in the middle of this park.

What's with TLC and gazebos by the way? I've noticed them talking about gazebos in previous episodes.

I think the gold digger episode:

From previous episode: "private gazebo area"

Elliot: What's with TLC and gazebos.

I've- I've never heard gazebo used in a sentence.

All of a sudden, I'm watching TLC, it's all about that, the gazebo Channel.

Elliot: But there are actually cameras everywhere

After the gazebo...

Ethan: W- what?! I never hear a gazebo!

Elliot: ...gazebo.

Ethan: They're obsessed with gazebos over at the TLC channel!

4:04 pm

Elliot: Mariah?

Hi, how's it going?

How are you? Hey, I'm Elliot by the way, sorry.

Hi, I'm a friend of Mason's

So Mason was here earlier, but...

Mark: Thought you were smarter than that! *Lisa tearing up*

Ethan: She's your daughter dude. Let's not forget that.

Elliot: It's kind of hot to walk, if you want we can just hop in here.

It'll take two seconds, this is where all the equipment is anyway. If you want hop in here, I know it's kind of like (a) giant, it's actually really nice and new and we should be able to get there in, like, I think it's probably like a three minute drive, if that works for you.

Mariah: Oh, Okay.

*tense music*

*Ethan dancing* *tense music*

*tense music*

Ethan: Get the wardrobes out... badadadada badadadada bffftbfffbfff... *tense music*

Mark & Lisa: Mariah!

Mark: What the hell are you doing?! Father from Coby's video: ARE YOU CRAZY?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!

Mark: What are you doing?

Mark: You realize you just w- just walked into it like a death trap?

Lisa: What are you doing? Mark: You realize you just w- just walked into it like a death trap?

Mark: What are you thinking? How could you do something this dumb?

*green screen of father from Coby's video* *Mariah crying*

Lisa: You promised me you would never do this again. Mariah: I just thought that because it was a public park,

...it wouldn't matter.

Mark: You're gonna walk in the *censored* van.

What do you mean?(?)

*multiple overlays of the father from Coby's video screaming*

Lisa: Mariah, you lied to me.

Ethan: You lied, to her, the whole time!

Just sayin'.

Elliot: Guys, why don't we, uhh, sit over in the gazebo and talk.

Ethan: COME ON, THE STUFF WITH THE GAZEBO!

They're having a serious *pause* family moment.

Way to blow it dude.

"Uh, do you guys mind if we carry this conversation over to the gazebo?" I mean...

(confused) Wha- ehh...

Mark: We have got to figure this out, and we're gonna start by making changes.

Lots of changes.

Elliot: So, obviously Mason isn't real. Your parents and I actually created him.

The whole idea of this is to show that while you might think you have like total control over what you're doing,

in reality, you don't know like-

Ethan: I love how they just gloss over like the most effed up part is that she had spent time flirting what this boy Mason.

This guy she's interested (in) doesn't exist,

in fact, she was flirting with her parents the whole time, she finds out: "My dad was trying to fuck me."

Somebody sent me a picture of their dick. I don't know whose dick, Mason sent me a dick pic

She's thinking to herself: Whose dick was it?

Elliot: We did all this to kind of show how a predator would do it these days.

They have all the time in the world to create these profiles and then reach out and then integrate themselves so that you're like

"Oh, Mason seems totally cool." And then it's like "Oh Mason's down the street or Mason's whatever," it's just they're...

They're super intelligent and they're super predatory.

Ethan: She's like, excuse me. Who the fuck are you?

What, who are you all of the sudden lecturing me and why do you keep talking about gazebos?

Lisa: Why would you do this, though and what's what's the reasoning?

Mariah: I don't know, I just thought.. he wasn't asking me to *sigh*

Go to his house

It was to take pictures.

Mark: I just don't get this. There are a lot of creeps out there, you get it?

*played again but with the same overlay again*

Ethan (as Mark): I would know about just, uh, how many creeps are out there. Don't you understand?

I pretended to be one for three weeks and flirted with my own daughter!

There's a lot of creeps out there, even in your own home. Don't you get it?

*H3 cough™* (Ethan Klein © 2018)

All right. Let's go home and sit under the gazebo and figure this out.

Hila: Ethan.

Ethan: Hey, what's up?

Hila: I have something I need to tell you.

Can you join me?

Ethan: 'kay, sure.

Hila, where are we?

Hila: I'd like you to meet someone

Ethan: Okay..?

Hila: This is Ian, he's the host of a show called that "I catfished my own son!"

Ethan: Okay. Why- what are you telling me that for?

Ian: Why don't you just come join us under the gazebo?

Hila: Under the gaze-, why are you- why are you bringing me under the gazebo?

Ethan's Mom: Ethan!

Ethan's Dad: What the hell is going on here?

Ethan: What are you guys doing here?

Dad: Are you crazy, are you out of your mind?

Ian: So, Ethan, Hila she's not real. Your parents and I, we created her.

Ethan: What are you talking about? We've been together for 10 years. How is that possible?

Ian: You thought that you could trust the person on the other side of the screen,

but we set out to prove that that's not true.

Ethan: Is this a joke? I don't understand.

What do you talk- Hila, 're they telling the truth?

Hila: Yeah.

They've actually been telling me what to say. I have this earwig in my ear.

Ethan: What to say, wh- what, during sex, they tell you what to say?

Hila: All day. Ethan: All day..?

Ethan: Come on, this is fucked up, you guys are kidding right now?

Hila: Frankly... Ethan, Ethan: This is a joke, right?

Hila: it's pretty pathetic, that you think I'd be interested in you.

Ethan: You s- Hila: I'm a CEO.

Ethan: We- you're preg- ah- you're pregnant!

Hila: Yeah, I take my job, seriously.

Ethan: You married me!

Hila: And I'm gonna divorce you and keep the green card.

Ian: She's very dedicated to her job.

*Ethan crying*

Ethan: I just thought that...

She just was seemed interested in me and she seemed nice...

*Ethan sniffs*

Dad: We've always warned you there's lots of creeps out there, don't you get it?

Ethan: Sorry, I just thought that...

...it was safe because...

We're talking alike. She was coming to visit and-

Mom: I want to keep you safe and sound. You're a beautiful little snack the girls want!

Ethan: And by the way, who the fuck are you? Why are you here?

Ian: I wanted to show you how a girl could get a green card these days.

Ethan: What? Ian: Fake profiles, fake marriage...

Ian: Get you for 10 years and then get out. Ethan: The fuck are you talking about, this is my life! For 10 years?

Ethan: You're ... for a television show. This is my life. Who are you? And why do you have a pocket on your sleeve?

That's weird, dude!

Ethan: What are you some kind of predator?! Ian: Come on.

Ethan: Just as I predicted dude, its lubricant silicon-based and a condom,

Ethan: What the fuck? Wha- who are you?! And this condom says extra small, dude. Ian: That's typo. Ethan: That's not a typo!

Ethan: It's a it's made for extra small penises!

Ian: Please let me put this back in my zipper pocket.

Ethan: Why don't you put it up? Why don't you apply it to my asshole because you JUST FUCKED ME IN THE ASS!

Why is he here? Here, Hila. Oh my wife who's pregnant with my baby hair, mom and dad, take some lube so you can put it in my asshole. Fuck me in the ass!

What are y- why are you televising this?

Ethan: You don't fucking (gibberish), I loved her. Mom: We're gonna be making a lot of changes around here.

Hila: Am I done here?

Ian: Yeah, we're done here

Dad: Stuff is slippery.

*Ethan crying*

Captions by donnaken15

The Description of I Catfished My Kid On TLC