Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Super Bowl, Caucus & Kansas Oh My!

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I COMMEND YOU FOR

BEING HERE BECAUSE A LOT OF

PEOPLE DON'T SHOW UP THE MONDAY

AFTER SUPER BOWL.

THIS IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST DAYS

OF THE YEAR TO SKIP WORK.

THEY CALL IT FOOTBALL HANGOVER

DAY.

MORE THAN 17 MILLION AMERICANS

WERE EXPECTED TO CALL IN SICK TO

WORK TODAY.

WHICH I GET IT.

I OVERDID IT TOO.

I HAD SO MUCH TO EAT AND DRINK

YESTERDAY, I STARTED TO

HALLUCINATE.

I WOKE UP ON MY COUCH, I DON'T

KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS, BUT I

WOKE UP AND I IMAGINED I SAW

LIL' WAYNE DRESSED AS A ROBOT.

WEIRD, RIGHT?

ANYWAY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I WILL SAY THIS.

THE BEST PART OF THE SUPER BOWL

FOR ME THIS YEAR WAS KNOWING

THAT MATT DAMON SPENT THE DAY

SOBBING INTO HIS TOM BRADY --

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT WAS A GOOD GAME, A FUN GAME

TO WATCH.

THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AS YOU

KNOW CAME BACK FROM A TEN-POINT

DEFICIT IN THE FOURTH QUARTER TO

BEAT THE 49ers AND WIN THEIR

FIRST TITLE IN 50 YEARS, WHICH

TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE THE

LAST TIME THE CHIEFS WON THE

SUPER BOWL THE JACKSON 5 HAD

THEIR FIRST NUMBER ONE HIT.

TRUE.

MARCUS WE WLBY WAS THE MOST

POPULAR SHOW ON TV.

AND BERNIE SANDERS HAD JUST HAD

HIS FIRST GREAT

GREAT-GRANDCHILD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S EXCITING.

BECAUSE HE'S OLD, GUILLERMO.

>> Guillermo: I KNOW.

>> Jimmy: RUNNING BACK DAMIEN

WILLIAMS IS HERE TONIGHT FROM

THE CHIEFS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

HE BROUGHT A FRIEND WITH HIM AS

WELL.

OR MAYBE VICE VERSA.

DAMIEN SCORED TWO TOUCHDOWNS IN

THE FOURTH QUARTER.

SO HE'S A HAPPY GUY.

J. LO AND SHAKIRA DID THE

HALFTIME SHOW.

MOST EVERYONE SEEMED TO LIKE

THAT.

INCLUDING FORMER FLORIDA

GOVERNOR JEB BUSH, WHO WROTE

"BEST SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW

EVER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

PERIOD.

NO EXCLAMATION POINT.

LOW ENERGY.

LOW ENERGY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S JUST JEBBY FROM THE

BLOCK.

YOU KNOW, ACCORDING TO "USA

TODAY" THE MOST POPULAR SUPER

BOWL COMMERCIAL WAS THE JEEP AD

WHERE BILL MURRAY RODE AROUND

WITH A GROUNDHOG.

AND THE LEAST LIKED COMMERCIAL,

COMING IN AT NUMBER 62 OF 62,

WAS FOR DONALD TRUMP'S

RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN.

THAT'S TRUE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NOT A JOKE.

RATED LAST.

DONALD TRUMP IS LESS POPULAR

THAN SCIENTOLOGY AND A HUMMUS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TRUMP DID WEIGH IN AFTER THE

GAME WITH WELL WISHES FOR THE

WINNERS.

HE WROTE "CONGRATULATIONS TO THE

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ON A GREAT

GAME AND A FANTASTIC COMEBACK

UNDER IMMENSE PRESSURE.

YOU REPRESENTED THE GREAT STATE

OF KANSAS AND IN FACT THE ENTIRE

USA."

UNFORTUNATELY FOR THE PRESIDENT,

THE CHIEFS ARE NOT IN KANSAS.

THEY'RE IN MISSOURI.

KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI.

SO TRUMP HAD TO DELETE AND

CORRECT THE TWEET.

I WONDER WHO THE LUCKY STAFFER

WHO HAD TO TELL HIM THAT.

I THINK THAT'S WHEN THEY SEND IN

IVANKA IN THOSE SITUATIONS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S DUMB OF COURSE BECAUSE HE'S

DUMB.

BUT SOMETIMES I THINK --

SOMETIMES I THINK TRUMP MIGHT BE

DOING THIS ON PURPOSE TO FIND

OUT WHICH OF HIS BACK SLAPPERS

GO DEEPEST UP HIS BUTT.

FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S A GUY

NAMED MATT SCHLAPP WHO RUNS THE

CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION

CONFERENCE.

HE LEAPT TO THE PRESIDENT'S

DEFENSE.

HE WROTE "DEAR EAST COAST

ESTABLISHMENT, KANSAS CITY,

KANSAS IS IN KANSAS."

RIGHT.

THERE IS ONE.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE KANSAS CITY

WHERE THE CHIEFS PLAY.

WHICH IS CLEARLY WHAT TRUMP WAS

REFERRING TO.

AND I GUESS THAT'S THE KIND OF

PERSON YOU GROW UP TO BE WHEN

YOUR NAME IS MATT SCHLAPP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT GUY'S A REAL MATT SCHLAPP.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

TRUMP MUST HAVE WORKED OUT QUITE

A SWEAT GORGING ON CHICKEN WINGS

LAST NIGHT BECAUSE THIS WAS HIS

OFFICIAL SCHEDULE TODAY AS

RELEASED BY THE WHITE HOUSE.

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS OF THE

DAY, 12:30 P.M. TUNA SALAD

SANDWICH WITH MIKE PENCE.

AND THEN THAT'S IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHO DO YOU THINK DREADS THAT

LUNCH MORE, TRUMP OR PENCE?

I THINK IT'S A TOSSUP.

I REALLY DO.

TRUMP DID TAKE TIME YESTERDAY TO

SPOON WITH HIS PAL SEAN HANNITY

ON THE SUPER BOWL PREGAME SHOW.

THESE GUYS ARE VERY TIGHT.

BUT IF YOU WERE EXPECTING A LINE

OF SOFTBALL QUESTIONS FROM SEAN,

WELL, YEAH, THAT'S COMPACTLY

WHAT HAPPENED.

>> WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT

SPORTS?

>> WELL, IT'S SORT OF A LITTLE

BASTE MICROCOSM OF LIFE.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE WINNERS, YOU

HAVE CHAMPIONS, YOU HAVE PEOPLE

THAT YOU EXPECT TO SEE THAT

FINAL PLAY.

YOU HAVE GREAT COACHES LIKE

BELICHICK.

YOU HAVE PEOPLE THAT YOU EXPECT

MORE OUT OF AND OFTENTIMES THEY

PRODUCE.

THEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE THAT YOU

JUST DON'T EXPECT ARE GOING TO

DO IT AND OFTENTIMES THEY DON'T.

IT'S A MICROCOSM OF LIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: YEAH.

OKAY.

SAME QUESTION.

THIS TIME ANSWER IN ENGLISH,

PLEASE, SO WE CAN UNDERSTAND IT.

THIS WAS QUITE AN INTERVIEW.

YOU KNOW WHEN OBAMA -- OBAMA DID

HIS FIRST SUPER BOWL INTERVIEW

ON FOX WITH BILL O'REILLY.

IT WAS A BIG DEAL.

BUT THEY TALKED ABOUT A LOT OF

ISSUES INCLUDING HEALTH CARE.

PRESIDENT TRUMP USED HIS TIME TO

ROAST BATTLE HIS RIVALS.

>> I JUST THINK OF SLEEPY.

I JUST WATCH HIM.

HE'S SLEEPY.

SLEEPY JOE.

I THINK HE'S A COMMUNIST.

I THINK OF COMMUNISM WHEN I

THINK OF BERNIE.

YOU COULD SAY SOCIALIST.

BUT DIDN'T HE GET MARRIED IN

MOSCOW?

THAT'S HOW POCAHONTAS GOT

STARTED.

EVERYTHING'S A FAIRY TALE.

THIS WOMAN CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH.

YOU KNOW, NOW HE WANTS A BOX FOR

THE DEBATES TO STAND ON.

OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG.

YOU CAN BE SHORT.

WHY SHOULD HE GET A BOX TO STAND

ON?

OKAY?

HE WANTS A BOX FOR THE DEBATES.

WHY SHOULD HE BE ENTITLED TO

THAT?

REALLY.

DOES THAT MEAN EVERYONE ELSE

GETS A BOX?

>> Jimmy: THIS BOX THING WAS

DIRECTED AT FORMER MAYOR MICHAEL

BLOOMBERG, WHO TRUMP CLAIMS,

WITHOUT ANY EVIDENCE, THAT -- I

DON'T KNOW.

THIS SEEMS TO BE SOMETHING HE

MADE UP.

THAT BLOOMBERG HAS ASKED TO

STAND ON A BOX FOR THE NEXT

DEBATE.

BECAUSE HE'S SHORT.

TRUMP CALLS BLOOMBERG MINI MIKE.

AGAIN, BECAUSE HE'S SHORT.

WHILE BLOOMBERG HIMSELF TOOK THE

HIGH ROAD.

ONE OF HIS SENIOR ADVISERS, A

GUY NAMED TIM O'BRIEN, DID NOT.

>> I'VE BEEN ASKED A LOT LATELY

BECAUSE TRUMP HAS BEEN COMING

AFTER MIKE SO MUCH, YOU KNOW,

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE IN DONALD

TRUMP'S HEAD SO MUCH.

AND WHAT I'VE SAID TO PEOPLE IS

WHEN YOU GET INSIDE DONALD

TRUMP'S HEAD ALL YOU'RE GOING TO

DISCOVER THAT YOU FIND THERE IS

A PUTTER, A CHEESEBURGER, A PORN

VIDEO, AND SOMEBODY ELSE'S

CREDIT CARD.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jimmy: HE FORGOT THE BRONZING

BUTTER.

THAT WOULD MAKE FOR QUITE A

BUMPER STICKER.

THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IS STILL

GOING ON.

IT'S NOT OVER.

IT'S LIKE A FOOTBALL GAME WITH A

30-POINT LEAD RUNNING OUT THE

CLOCK.

TODAY THEY HAD CLOSING ARGUMENTS

WHICH WERE VERY MUCH LIKE THE

OPENING ARGUMENTS YOU BUT

WITHOUT ANY WITNESSES OR

EVIDENCE IN BETWEEN.

BUT YOU HAVE TO HAND IT TO MITCH

McCONNELL FOR CUTTING OUT THE

MIDDLE MAN GETTING RIDE TO THE

VERTICAL BEING INNOCENT.

AS YOU KNOW, REPUBLICANS IN THE

SENATE ON FRIDAY VOTED TO NOT

HEAR FROM WINTSZS IN THIS TRIAL.

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MITT

ROMNEY OF UTAH AND SUSAN COLLINS

OF MAINE.

SUSAN COLLINS VOTED FOR

WITNESSES BUT ONLY AFTER WAITING

TO MAKE SURE HER VOTE WOULDN'T

MATTER AT ALL.

KENNETH STARR TODAY, TRUMP'S

ATTORNEY, REFERENCED DR. MARTIN

LUTHER KING JR. WHEN HE WAS

DEFENDING TRUMP.

SO HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH,

EVERYBODY.

AT LEAST IRONY AND DEMOCRACY

DIED TOGETHER.

THE PRESIDENT TOOK A VICTORY LAP

ON THE LINKS THIS WEEKEND.

ON SATURDAY HE TWEETED "GETTING

A LITTLE EXERCISE THIS MORNING."

WHICH FOR THE RECORD IF THE

ACTIVITY YOU'RE DOING INVOLVES

YOU GETTING DRIVEN AROUND IN A

PAIR OF DOCKERS WITH A 52-INCH

WAIST THAT'S NOT EXERCISE.

THAT'S GOLF.

[ APPLAUSE ]

SOME POLITICAL ANALYSTS ARE

SAYING -- ARE WORRIED THAT ONCE

HE IS ACQUITTED BY THE SENATE

TRUMP WILL BE EVEN MORE RECKLESS

THAN HE'S BEEN SO FAR, NOW THAT

HE KNOWS THERE'S NO PENALTY FOR

ABUSE OF OFFICE HE WILL BE DRUNK

WITH POWER IS THE CONCERN.

THE PRESIDENT WAS IN IOWA AHEAD

OF THE CAUCUS THERE, WHERE WE

SLOWED THAT DRUNKEN POWER DOWN

TO HALF SPEED FOR TONIGHT'S

VILLAGE PEOPLE EDITION OF "DRUNK

DONALD TRUMP."

[ MUSIC SLOWING DOWN ]

[ VOICE SLOWED DOWN ]

>> THE SONG, I JUST WALKED IN

AND THEY'RE PLAYING THE SONG.

"YMCA."

SO WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A HARD

TIME -- JUST THINK OF THE SONG.

YMCA

AND YOU'RE --

>> Jimmy: IT'S CALLED A MORONIC

DEVICE.

THE IOWA CAUCUS WAS THE BIG DEAL

OF THE DAY FOR DEMOCRATS TODAY.

WHY, I STILL DON'T KNOW.

THE IOWA CAUCUS IS A LOT LIKE

POLAROID CAMERAS IN THAT NO ONE

UNDERSTANDS HOW THEY WORK.

IOWA GETS TO GO FIRST BECAUSE I

DON'T KNOW, I GUESS THEY HAVE

NOTHING ELSE TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

BUT YOU LIVE IN IOWA, YOU DON'T

ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE IN IOWA TO

CAST YOUR VOTE.

THIS IS FROM WHAT THEY CALL A

SATELLITE CAUCUS IN PORT

CHARLOTTE, FLORIDA.

THIS IS WHERE THE SNOWBIRDS FROM

IOWA GO.

AND THIS JUST TELLS YOU

CAUCUSWISE ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW

ABOUT THIS PROCESS, ESPECIALLY

WHEN YOU THROW A LITTLE FLORIDA

IN THE MIX.

>> SANDERS WONE.

STEYER 2.

WARREN 12.

YANG 1.

AND I DON'T HAVE UNCOMMITTED

YET.

>> IS THERE ANY UNCOMMITTEDS?

IN THE HOLE.

OKAY.

WERE YOU UNCOMMITTED BACK THERE?

>> Jimmy: WHAT ABOUT DECEASED?

IS ANYONE DECEASED?

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO?

OKAY.

GOOD LUCK HACKING THAT, PUTIN.

The Description of Super Bowl, Caucus & Kansas Oh My!