I COMMEND YOU FOR
BEING HERE BECAUSE A LOT OF
PEOPLE DON'T SHOW UP THE MONDAY
AFTER SUPER BOWL.
THIS IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST DAYS
OF THE YEAR TO SKIP WORK.
THEY CALL IT FOOTBALL HANGOVER
DAY.
MORE THAN 17 MILLION AMERICANS
WERE EXPECTED TO CALL IN SICK TO
WORK TODAY.
WHICH I GET IT.
I OVERDID IT TOO.
I HAD SO MUCH TO EAT AND DRINK
YESTERDAY, I STARTED TO
HALLUCINATE.
I WOKE UP ON MY COUCH, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS, BUT I
WOKE UP AND I IMAGINED I SAW
LIL' WAYNE DRESSED AS A ROBOT.
WEIRD, RIGHT?
ANYWAY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I WILL SAY THIS.
THE BEST PART OF THE SUPER BOWL
FOR ME THIS YEAR WAS KNOWING
THAT MATT DAMON SPENT THE DAY
SOBBING INTO HIS TOM BRADY --
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS A GOOD GAME, A FUN GAME
TO WATCH.
THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AS YOU
KNOW CAME BACK FROM A TEN-POINT
DEFICIT IN THE FOURTH QUARTER TO
BEAT THE 49ers AND WIN THEIR
FIRST TITLE IN 50 YEARS, WHICH
TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE THE
LAST TIME THE CHIEFS WON THE
SUPER BOWL THE JACKSON 5 HAD
THEIR FIRST NUMBER ONE HIT.
TRUE.
MARCUS WE WLBY WAS THE MOST
POPULAR SHOW ON TV.
AND BERNIE SANDERS HAD JUST HAD
HIS FIRST GREAT
GREAT-GRANDCHILD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S EXCITING.
BECAUSE HE'S OLD, GUILLERMO.
>> Guillermo: I KNOW.
>> Jimmy: RUNNING BACK DAMIEN
WILLIAMS IS HERE TONIGHT FROM
THE CHIEFS.
[ APPLAUSE ]
HE BROUGHT A FRIEND WITH HIM AS
WELL.
OR MAYBE VICE VERSA.
DAMIEN SCORED TWO TOUCHDOWNS IN
THE FOURTH QUARTER.
SO HE'S A HAPPY GUY.
J. LO AND SHAKIRA DID THE
HALFTIME SHOW.
MOST EVERYONE SEEMED TO LIKE
THAT.
INCLUDING FORMER FLORIDA
GOVERNOR JEB BUSH, WHO WROTE
"BEST SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW
EVER."
[ LAUGHTER ]
PERIOD.
NO EXCLAMATION POINT.
LOW ENERGY.
LOW ENERGY.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S JUST JEBBY FROM THE
BLOCK.
YOU KNOW, ACCORDING TO "USA
TODAY" THE MOST POPULAR SUPER
BOWL COMMERCIAL WAS THE JEEP AD
WHERE BILL MURRAY RODE AROUND
WITH A GROUNDHOG.
AND THE LEAST LIKED COMMERCIAL,
COMING IN AT NUMBER 62 OF 62,
WAS FOR DONALD TRUMP'S
RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN.
THAT'S TRUE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOT A JOKE.
RATED LAST.
DONALD TRUMP IS LESS POPULAR
THAN SCIENTOLOGY AND A HUMMUS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP DID WEIGH IN AFTER THE
GAME WITH WELL WISHES FOR THE
WINNERS.
HE WROTE "CONGRATULATIONS TO THE
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ON A GREAT
GAME AND A FANTASTIC COMEBACK
UNDER IMMENSE PRESSURE.
YOU REPRESENTED THE GREAT STATE
OF KANSAS AND IN FACT THE ENTIRE
USA."
UNFORTUNATELY FOR THE PRESIDENT,
THE CHIEFS ARE NOT IN KANSAS.
THEY'RE IN MISSOURI.
KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI.
SO TRUMP HAD TO DELETE AND
CORRECT THE TWEET.
I WONDER WHO THE LUCKY STAFFER
WHO HAD TO TELL HIM THAT.
I THINK THAT'S WHEN THEY SEND IN
IVANKA IN THOSE SITUATIONS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S DUMB OF COURSE BECAUSE HE'S
DUMB.
BUT SOMETIMES I THINK --
SOMETIMES I THINK TRUMP MIGHT BE
DOING THIS ON PURPOSE TO FIND
OUT WHICH OF HIS BACK SLAPPERS
GO DEEPEST UP HIS BUTT.
FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S A GUY
NAMED MATT SCHLAPP WHO RUNS THE
CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION
CONFERENCE.
HE LEAPT TO THE PRESIDENT'S
DEFENSE.
HE WROTE "DEAR EAST COAST
ESTABLISHMENT, KANSAS CITY,
KANSAS IS IN KANSAS."
RIGHT.
THERE IS ONE.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE KANSAS CITY
WHERE THE CHIEFS PLAY.
WHICH IS CLEARLY WHAT TRUMP WAS
REFERRING TO.
AND I GUESS THAT'S THE KIND OF
PERSON YOU GROW UP TO BE WHEN
YOUR NAME IS MATT SCHLAPP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT GUY'S A REAL MATT SCHLAPP.
[ APPLAUSE ]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
TRUMP MUST HAVE WORKED OUT QUITE
A SWEAT GORGING ON CHICKEN WINGS
LAST NIGHT BECAUSE THIS WAS HIS
OFFICIAL SCHEDULE TODAY AS
RELEASED BY THE WHITE HOUSE.
FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS OF THE
DAY, 12:30 P.M. TUNA SALAD
SANDWICH WITH MIKE PENCE.
AND THEN THAT'S IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHO DO YOU THINK DREADS THAT
LUNCH MORE, TRUMP OR PENCE?
I THINK IT'S A TOSSUP.
I REALLY DO.
TRUMP DID TAKE TIME YESTERDAY TO
SPOON WITH HIS PAL SEAN HANNITY
ON THE SUPER BOWL PREGAME SHOW.
THESE GUYS ARE VERY TIGHT.
BUT IF YOU WERE EXPECTING A LINE
OF SOFTBALL QUESTIONS FROM SEAN,
WELL, YEAH, THAT'S COMPACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED.
>> WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT
SPORTS?
>> WELL, IT'S SORT OF A LITTLE
BASTE MICROCOSM OF LIFE.
YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE WINNERS, YOU
HAVE CHAMPIONS, YOU HAVE PEOPLE
THAT YOU EXPECT TO SEE THAT
FINAL PLAY.
YOU HAVE GREAT COACHES LIKE
BELICHICK.
YOU HAVE PEOPLE THAT YOU EXPECT
MORE OUT OF AND OFTENTIMES THEY
PRODUCE.
THEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE THAT YOU
JUST DON'T EXPECT ARE GOING TO
DO IT AND OFTENTIMES THEY DON'T.
IT'S A MICROCOSM OF LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
OKAY.
SAME QUESTION.
THIS TIME ANSWER IN ENGLISH,
PLEASE, SO WE CAN UNDERSTAND IT.
THIS WAS QUITE AN INTERVIEW.
YOU KNOW WHEN OBAMA -- OBAMA DID
HIS FIRST SUPER BOWL INTERVIEW
ON FOX WITH BILL O'REILLY.
IT WAS A BIG DEAL.
BUT THEY TALKED ABOUT A LOT OF
ISSUES INCLUDING HEALTH CARE.
PRESIDENT TRUMP USED HIS TIME TO
ROAST BATTLE HIS RIVALS.
>> I JUST THINK OF SLEEPY.
I JUST WATCH HIM.
HE'S SLEEPY.
SLEEPY JOE.
I THINK HE'S A COMMUNIST.
I THINK OF COMMUNISM WHEN I
THINK OF BERNIE.
YOU COULD SAY SOCIALIST.
BUT DIDN'T HE GET MARRIED IN
MOSCOW?
THAT'S HOW POCAHONTAS GOT
STARTED.
EVERYTHING'S A FAIRY TALE.
THIS WOMAN CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH.
YOU KNOW, NOW HE WANTS A BOX FOR
THE DEBATES TO STAND ON.
OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG.
YOU CAN BE SHORT.
WHY SHOULD HE GET A BOX TO STAND
ON?
OKAY?
HE WANTS A BOX FOR THE DEBATES.
WHY SHOULD HE BE ENTITLED TO
THAT?
REALLY.
DOES THAT MEAN EVERYONE ELSE
GETS A BOX?
>> Jimmy: THIS BOX THING WAS
DIRECTED AT FORMER MAYOR MICHAEL
BLOOMBERG, WHO TRUMP CLAIMS,
WITHOUT ANY EVIDENCE, THAT -- I
DON'T KNOW.
THIS SEEMS TO BE SOMETHING HE
MADE UP.
THAT BLOOMBERG HAS ASKED TO
STAND ON A BOX FOR THE NEXT
DEBATE.
BECAUSE HE'S SHORT.
TRUMP CALLS BLOOMBERG MINI MIKE.
AGAIN, BECAUSE HE'S SHORT.
WHILE BLOOMBERG HIMSELF TOOK THE
HIGH ROAD.
ONE OF HIS SENIOR ADVISERS, A
GUY NAMED TIM O'BRIEN, DID NOT.
>> I'VE BEEN ASKED A LOT LATELY
BECAUSE TRUMP HAS BEEN COMING
AFTER MIKE SO MUCH, YOU KNOW,
WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE IN DONALD
TRUMP'S HEAD SO MUCH.
AND WHAT I'VE SAID TO PEOPLE IS
WHEN YOU GET INSIDE DONALD
TRUMP'S HEAD ALL YOU'RE GOING TO
DISCOVER THAT YOU FIND THERE IS
A PUTTER, A CHEESEBURGER, A PORN
VIDEO, AND SOMEBODY ELSE'S
CREDIT CARD.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: HE FORGOT THE BRONZING
BUTTER.
THAT WOULD MAKE FOR QUITE A
BUMPER STICKER.
THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IS STILL
GOING ON.
IT'S NOT OVER.
IT'S LIKE A FOOTBALL GAME WITH A
30-POINT LEAD RUNNING OUT THE
CLOCK.
TODAY THEY HAD CLOSING ARGUMENTS
WHICH WERE VERY MUCH LIKE THE
OPENING ARGUMENTS YOU BUT
WITHOUT ANY WITNESSES OR
EVIDENCE IN BETWEEN.
BUT YOU HAVE TO HAND IT TO MITCH
McCONNELL FOR CUTTING OUT THE
MIDDLE MAN GETTING RIDE TO THE
VERTICAL BEING INNOCENT.
AS YOU KNOW, REPUBLICANS IN THE
SENATE ON FRIDAY VOTED TO NOT
HEAR FROM WINTSZS IN THIS TRIAL.
WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MITT
ROMNEY OF UTAH AND SUSAN COLLINS
OF MAINE.
SUSAN COLLINS VOTED FOR
WITNESSES BUT ONLY AFTER WAITING
TO MAKE SURE HER VOTE WOULDN'T
MATTER AT ALL.
KENNETH STARR TODAY, TRUMP'S
ATTORNEY, REFERENCED DR. MARTIN
LUTHER KING JR. WHEN HE WAS
DEFENDING TRUMP.
SO HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH,
EVERYBODY.
AT LEAST IRONY AND DEMOCRACY
DIED TOGETHER.
THE PRESIDENT TOOK A VICTORY LAP
ON THE LINKS THIS WEEKEND.
ON SATURDAY HE TWEETED "GETTING
A LITTLE EXERCISE THIS MORNING."
WHICH FOR THE RECORD IF THE
ACTIVITY YOU'RE DOING INVOLVES
YOU GETTING DRIVEN AROUND IN A
PAIR OF DOCKERS WITH A 52-INCH
WAIST THAT'S NOT EXERCISE.
THAT'S GOLF.
[ APPLAUSE ]
SOME POLITICAL ANALYSTS ARE
SAYING -- ARE WORRIED THAT ONCE
HE IS ACQUITTED BY THE SENATE
TRUMP WILL BE EVEN MORE RECKLESS
THAN HE'S BEEN SO FAR, NOW THAT
HE KNOWS THERE'S NO PENALTY FOR
ABUSE OF OFFICE HE WILL BE DRUNK
WITH POWER IS THE CONCERN.
THE PRESIDENT WAS IN IOWA AHEAD
OF THE CAUCUS THERE, WHERE WE
SLOWED THAT DRUNKEN POWER DOWN
TO HALF SPEED FOR TONIGHT'S
VILLAGE PEOPLE EDITION OF "DRUNK
DONALD TRUMP."
♪
[ MUSIC SLOWING DOWN ]
[ VOICE SLOWED DOWN ]
>> THE SONG, I JUST WALKED IN
AND THEY'RE PLAYING THE SONG.
"YMCA."
SO WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A HARD
TIME -- JUST THINK OF THE SONG.
♪ YMCA
AND YOU'RE --
♪
>> Jimmy: IT'S CALLED A MORONIC
DEVICE.
THE IOWA CAUCUS WAS THE BIG DEAL
OF THE DAY FOR DEMOCRATS TODAY.
WHY, I STILL DON'T KNOW.
THE IOWA CAUCUS IS A LOT LIKE
POLAROID CAMERAS IN THAT NO ONE
UNDERSTANDS HOW THEY WORK.
IOWA GETS TO GO FIRST BECAUSE I
DON'T KNOW, I GUESS THEY HAVE
NOTHING ELSE TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
BUT YOU LIVE IN IOWA, YOU DON'T
ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE IN IOWA TO
CAST YOUR VOTE.
THIS IS FROM WHAT THEY CALL A
SATELLITE CAUCUS IN PORT
CHARLOTTE, FLORIDA.
THIS IS WHERE THE SNOWBIRDS FROM
IOWA GO.
AND THIS JUST TELLS YOU
CAUCUSWISE ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT THIS PROCESS, ESPECIALLY
WHEN YOU THROW A LITTLE FLORIDA
IN THE MIX.
>> SANDERS WONE.
STEYER 2.
WARREN 12.
YANG 1.
AND I DON'T HAVE UNCOMMITTED
YET.
>> IS THERE ANY UNCOMMITTEDS?
IN THE HOLE.
OKAY.
WERE YOU UNCOMMITTED BACK THERE?
>> Jimmy: WHAT ABOUT DECEASED?
IS ANYONE DECEASED?
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO?
OKAY.
GOOD LUCK HACKING THAT, PUTIN.
