Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Elizabeth, Margaret and Phillip

Difficulty: 0

(theme music playing)

Hey. Have you ever gotten a mani-pedi?

Uh, I've gotten a manicure.

-Really? -Uh, but I've never got a pedicure.

The toes rank second on the body

only to the testicles in terms of how repulsive they are.

-Hey. You know Hobe Turner? -He was a writer on Seinfeld.

-Yeah. Of course. Yeah. -Okay. Doing a movie

starring Jon Hamm, and Jon Hamm

is playing a Larry David-type writer.

They're going against type, and he wants to, uh,

follow you around, spend a day with you.

Yeah, let's do it.

-That'll be fun. -Yeah, it will be fun.

Susie: We're back!

All right, listen.

We are not getting along at all.

Susie and I are at odds.

Oh, my God. I, I don't even know--

-Susie: Saw your car! -Hi!

-Hi, ladies. Hi. -Oh.

-Well, well, well. -Hi.

-Hey, look who's here? -Hey.

I never thought I'd hear those words come out of your mouth.

Okay. So, Becky, my sister...

-Larry: Uh-huh. selling that house we bought her.

-Really? -And what's really interesting is,

it's appreciated,

Fantastic! Make a little dough!

Becky's gonna make some money.

What do you mean she'll make some money?

I bought the house.

-We bought the house. -Larry: Okay, yeah, okay.

-And we gave it... -Larry: We bought the house. a gift. -Okay.

A gift-- It wasn't a gift

for her to sell and make money.

It was a gift for her to live in.

I didn't give her the house so she could sell it.

What if she sold it in three days?

Would she be allowed to keep the money?

That's not exactly a flip.

-And get everything? -That's, that's crazy talk.

-Larry: That's insane. -Why are you siding with him?

Jeff: That's the right thing!

Listen, I don't wanna be

in the middle of this.


She calls me Queen Elizabeth.

She calls herself Princess Margaret--

-Queen Elizabeth? -Yeah.

Oh, yeah. 'Cause you got everything.

-That's what she says. -And she's jealous.

So if you're comfortable...

Oh, you better believe it. I feel comfortable.

-Is that a character? -Larry: Yeah. Kramer.

-Jeff: Oh. -Oh, I feel comfortable.

-Cheryl: Okay. -Oh, you better believe it.

-Yeah. -And I'm excited to do it. And, you know,

the guy is kind of based on you.

So the best way I can figure it is to just hang out.

-You know. I ask-- -It's not gonna be easy, Jon.

I'm a very complex man.

-Very complicated. -(laughs) I get it.

But I just wanna say I'd really appreciate it.

-You'd appreciate it. -Yes, I would.

People seem to think that if they use the word "appreciate,"

all of a sudden, the seas part for them.

"Oh, hey, I'm so sorry that I...

"I robbed your house and burned it down.

I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't tell the cops."

-You know? -(laughing): This is exactly what I'm talking about.

-This is perfect. -All right. Let's order the main course.

Yes, we should.

There's so much. Oh, you know what?

We should just ask them. They got-- They know what they're doing.

Ho-bo-bo. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

Why are you-- Why are you doing this?

Excuse me. What, uh-- What'd you guys get?

Why do you want to know?

Because we're about to order.

But, uh, you have a menu.

Yeah, but I figured, you know,

you're the experts, why not copy you.

Why would you think we're the experts?


Yeah. Yeah, I think it does.

and a table of skinny people,

'Cause they're a little more expert at eating than the skinny people.


-What? -This is gold.

-Schmo-hawk. -Yeah, schmo-hawk.

-I thought I heard that. -Yeah.

-S-C-H? -S-C-H.

You know, you got the "schmo."

It's the browsing, right? You can't stand it.

-You hate it. -No browsing.

-No browsing. Yeah. -No browsing.

-You own this stand? -No. I work for the owner.

What do you do if you have to go to the bathroom?

I don't go.

You don't go.

The whole shift, you don't go?

I can't go. I have to watch.

All right. You know what?

Do you have to go to the bathroom now?

-Go. I'll watch it. -You'll watch it?

-I'll watch the stand. Go. -Okay. Put this on.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah. -Thank you. Thank you so--

Yeah. You're, you're, you're welcome.

I really have to go.

-No browsing, okay? -No browsing.

-You browse, you buy. -You browse, you buy.

-Thank you. -Take your time. Take your time.

Get your papers here. Papers!

Magazines. Newspapers!


-Oh. -Sir.

-Sorry, no browsing. -I'm not browsing.

The rule here is, you buy, then browse.

Customer: I browse to buy.

I know, but that's-- I'm sorry.

That's, that's just not gonna work.

What the fuck?

-Hey! -Hey.

Yeah, sorry. Yeah.

L.D. What the-- What are you, nuts?

-No. -Are you having a breakdown?

-Richard: Hey, Jon. -Hey, how are you?

What is-- What the f-- What, are you guys...

-...escaped from a mental institution? -No.

-So get this-- -What, what are you guys doing?

Jon's starring in a movie.

-Well, what else is new? -And the character...

The character's based on me.

So he's kind of shadowing me.

-...That Ever Roamed the Earth? -Larry: Oh, I like that.

-(laughing) -Yeah, that's, that's good.

-I'll tell Hobe. -That's good.

You're a great actor, but this could be the end.

So what are you doing?

You know Michelle, the CEO...

-...I'm dating? -Yeah, I know she's a CEO.

Furniture shopping?

Yeah, but I gotta really get going.

We haven't had dinner in a while.

Yeah, let's do it. Let's have dinner.

-Can, uh, Michelle come? -No.

Listen, I-- I really want her to come. I--

I really would appreciate it.

See? See what I'm saying with the "appreciate"?

-I'm finally starting to get it. I see what you're saying. Yes. -Huh? You see it?

Richard: What are you talking about?

I don't succumb to "appreciate."

I'm not gonna bring her. For you, okay?

-Larry: Yeah. -To honor our friendship.

You're gonna pay down the line for this.

-You text me where you want to meet, asshole. -Okay.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

-Oh, sure. -That was quick.

-I feel so much better. -I'm sure you do.

-Get this off me. -Okay.

-What do I owe you? -You owe me nothing.

-Nothing. Oh, boy. -Larry: No. I insist.

-Yeah. -Thank you. That piss was worth $10, easy.

Well, see ya, man. I mean, look what you did.


A $10 piss.

-Mm. Mm. -And he offered me $10 to take a piss.

-Wow. -And I'm thinking...

what a great idea for a business.

You relieve people who have jobs

where they can't use a bathroom.

Toll booth collectors, shoe shine stands,

parking garage attendants.

They contact you on your phone, it's an app,

and then you go down and man the store,

when they go to the bathroom.

Do you know how many times I've peed

in a fuckin' Gatorade bottle

when I couldn't find a fuckin' bathroom?

Plenty of fuckin' times.


And know how many times I forgot

I peed in that Gatorade bottle

and drank that shit? Once.

That's a fuckin' good idea.

Thanks for sharing that story.

This could be the pee Amazon.

-This could be very big. -Every fuckin' where.

-Poober. -Poober!

-Meh. It's too close to Uber. -Meh.

I got something.

"Gotta Go."

♪ ♪

(police siren in distance)

(doorbell rings)

-Oh. Hey! -Hey, Becky.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah. Okay. Come on.

What, did you have a party in here?

Nope. Nope. Just me.

Can I make you something to drink?

Uh, no, thanks.


You know, you're trying to sell a house.

-It's-- (laughs) -Oh.

I gotta tidy up a bit, I know.

You know, it's all based on first impressions.

-People come over, they're gonna see this... -Yeah.

...and then no one's gonna buy it.

All right. I'll take care of it, Dad.

-(laughs) Oh. Yeah. -Hey.

Heard about the whole Cheryl-Ted blowup in Mexico.

-Oh. -(laughs) Oh, boy.

-Little bit of ash. Sorry. -Yeah, that was...

-That was wild. -Yeah, that made me happy.

-Oh, you-- Really? -Little Miss Perfect. Yeah.

It made me feel better about myself.

Boy, you two used to get along so well.

Yeah, well, not anymore.

You sure I can't get you something to drink?

No. What are you drinking in the daytime for?

-Who drinks in the daytime? -People who go to brunch.

Well, we're not at brunch.

Okay. So I am not having a mimosa.

-All right. -What, what, what do you-- What do you want?

-What, what's going on? -Okay. Well,

obviously, I heard you're selling the house.

Yeah. (clears throat)

You know, the thing is, Becky,

you know, I did buy you the house, so...

-I know. -It's kind of my house.

-No. No, you-- -I paid for the house.

-And I thought it was only fair and reasonable-- -Okay.

I'm gonna let you keep the profits

to, to the house.

But of course, I'll get my investment back.

No, no, no. No.

-Hey. Say I gave you $700,000-- -It's my house.

Please don't do this to me, okay?

Please don't do this. This is my house.

It's all I have left.

(sobbing): Oh, my God. Please don't do this to me.

I, I lost my job.

And my boyfriend broke up with me.

-Geez. Don't cry-- -He was from Poland,

and it turns out all he wanted was a visa.

-(sobbing) -Okay, you...

Forget, forget it. You, you, you can keep the house.

You can keep all the money, keep, keep the profits.

-Keep, keep it all. -(Becky panting)

-Is this a joke? -No. No. No.

-You mean it? -Keep it all.

Yeah. It's okay.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Wow. -I know.

I think I always had a secret little crush on her.

-Me too. -Yeah.

It was in the daytime.

I love daytime sex.

You're filled with energy.

-Right! -Why are you doing that before you go to bed?

-The whole thing should be all flipped around. -I know.

-It should never happen at night. -The daytime.

-Always during the day. -Yes.

Ah. It's Jon.

-Is that working out okay? -Yeah. Yeah.

Cheryl: Where is he?

Did you have sex with my sister Becky?

Who said that?


What did she say?

She said, "Guess who I fucked?"

-Huh... -Oh, my God.

-He did. -Oh, my God!

-What, what are you thinking? -I was there,

and she was, she-she was upset, she was sobbing,

and I consoled her, and...

And, you know, it just, it happened.

-Larry: That's why. -Yeah, what about the money?

I told her, uh,

she didn't have to, uh, share the money with me.

-Oh, my God. -That's, that's like prostitution.

-It was consensual sex between two adults! -Oh, my God.

-There's nothing wrong with that, as far as I know! -Susie: She was vulnerable.

We were all in the living room over there

when you gave a big speech,

and you were gonna march over there

-and get your money back for that house. -I did march over there,

and then I felt sorry for her.

-Oh, my-- -Yeah, you marched over there,

you got a fuckin' blow job,

and then you gave the house away.

-You have to have sex with Cheryl's sister? -What?

-Oh. Hey, Jonny. -(Jon laughs)

Uh, yeah. The door was ajar.

The fuck are you doing in my house?

-He's, he's, um... -Hold on. Yeah, I should get this down.

He's starring in a movie,

He's bas-- The character's based on me.

So, the character is a disgusting pervert?

That's good. (laughs)

It's actually not funny, Jon Hamm.

Oh, no, no. I'm not here. Act like I'm not here.

-I'm just a fly on the wall. Just, uh-- -Larry: Hey.

-New sneaks? -Oh, yeah.

-Good, right? How comfortable? -Love 'em.

It's my house, you're in my house.

-Jon: I'm terribly sorry. -You crossed a line...

-...this time. -You crossed a line!

-Oh, my God. -Larry: I didn't cross a line.

I went over the line that you already crossed.

-What? -Larry: He's a friend.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. Ted and Larry,

it's just like you and your sister. It's the same thing.

-It's nowhere close. -It is not close.

It is close! She slept with my friend, Ted Danson.

-Okay? -Larry: Okay. That's fine.

-Because Ted is like a sister to Larry. -Larry: Yeah!

No. It's a relationship with Ted.

-It's not, I didn't just go have s-- -Larry: Oh, it's a relationship?

Who's to say that I'm not gonna have a relationship

-with Becky, what do you mean? -Cheryl: Oh, my God.

You know that Becky thinks of herself as Princess Margaret,

and that Cheryl is Queen Elizabeth.

-Yeah. Right. -Yeah. Oh, and you think you're Prince Philip?

Is that what you're saying?

-Yeah. -Cheryl: Oh, my God.

Prince Philip would put a fucking gun to his head

before he had you representing him.

Again, real quick, are we talking about The Crown now?

-Yeah. -How good is that show?

You know what, Jon Hamm, it was nice meeting you.

But, really, this is between us.

-I'll call you. -You've had enough...

Susie: Yeah, it's great. It's great.

-Go, go be him, asshole. -Thank you.

-Aw, man. -Larry: What are you doing?

You just plopped that into your, into your water?

Yeah, I plopped it in because I like lime with my water.

I know but they, they don't wash these rinds.

You gotta have some trust in people.

You ever see signs in bathrooms, "Wash before leaving"?

It doesn't matter if their hands are clean.

-Richard: They don't have to-- -The rind's dirty.

-You get a disease. -Aah, please.

It's bullshit.

And I'm really irked about something, man.

Did you say "irked"?

-Yeah, irked. -I never heard you use that word before, but go ahead.

I'm irked because-- with all due respect--

Jon is here, and Michelle is--

you wouldn't let Michelle come to dinner.

I have to watch my Ps and Qs.

I don't wanna watch Ps and Qs.

Do you wanna watch Ps and Qs?

What are you, Shari Lewis? Where's Lamb Chop?

-In your pants? -(laughing)

-Look, she's irked. -She's irked.

So you're both irked?

Oh. What did you say?

I said you had a bleeding rectum,

and that you were worried and scared,

and you needed to talk to me alone,

and you'd be embarrassed if she heard it.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

-Well... -You couldn't think of a better excuse than that?

You should have called me. I got thousands of 'em.

-I can't even face her now. -Why not?

Nobody respects a person with a bleeding rectum.

You think Lincoln could have prosecuted a war

if people knew he had a bleeding rectum?

And by the way, when you come to the dinner party

in a few days, I would not mention it.

Who mentions that at a dinner party?

Do I still have it or-or am I over it?

No, I left it open.

Sorry to hear that.

Jon: I also-- Can I say,

we ordered this kind of for the table,

and I feel like you've gone way over your

appetizer allotment at this point.

-We each get a third. -Who makes up that fuckin' rule?

Both: It's an unwritten rule.

Oh, my God.

There's two Larry Davids.

Holy shit.

Pretty good.

Pretty, pretty good.

Both: Aah.

(knocking on door)

-She threw me out. -She threw you out?

-Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep. -Why?

Well, she doesn't like the way I defended you being with Becky.

-Come on in. Make yourself at home. -I will.

I, I gotta go.

Oh. If you keep going to Becky's,

I can't go home.

Keep going to Becky's.

-I'll see you later. -Bedroom's upstairs.

-Second one. -Got it.



♪ ♪




♪ ♪

You're welcome.

(both laughing)

We did it. We did it!

You didn't expect an airport drop-off, did you?

-All right, well, have fun skiing. -I will.

I'll text you when I land.

-Eh, not necessary. -I didn't really want to.

-I'll find out if you're dead. -Yeah, yeah. You'll know.

-Yeah. -You got big plans for when I'm gone?

I'm gonna help a friend out

with his, uh, with his new business.

-Cool. -Yeah.

-Thank you. -Bye.

Yeah. Now I gotta walk around

knowing this woman thinks I have a bleeding rectum.

I can't live like that.

she's gonna tell everybody.

And the worst part is,

People are thinkin', how does he stop the bleedin'?

Is he wearin' a pad?

Is he, is he a little boy, a little Dutch boy

with his finger in his ass,

little shorts on, little vest, little top hat on,

with his finger in your damn rectum?

Right. Right.

Hey. There's a parking lot.

-Woo, let's go. -Yeah, let's do it.

(laughing) Get to work, baby. "Gotta Go"!

Can I help you guys?

My name's Larry.

-Hey, Larry. -This is Leon.

-I'm Bill. -Here. Here you go, Bill.

-"Gotta Go"? -That's right.

and gotta go to the bathroom, what do you do?

I just stay in the booth.

Until now. For a dollar a minute,

five dollar minimum, I will sit in that booth

while you go and use the bathroom.

-You're serious? -Very serious.

-Right now, I really have to go. -Larry: Go!

Leon: Go ahead, brother.

-I'll be right back. -My man.

-Thank you. -My man, I got you!

My man, you gotta go!


-Did I tell ya? Huh? I told ya! -You fuckin' told me, Larry.

-You order a "Gotta Go"? -Yes, I gotta go.

-Okay. You go. -Thank you.

-Gino! Go handle your business. -Bye.

-(spits) -Hey. Excuse me.

-You just spat on my shoe. -It's a fuckin' spit shine.

-It's a-- Stop! -(spits)

Stop! Stop spitting on my shoe.

I'm not, I'm not paying for this.

-Okay? -Your tips are appreciated.

Give me a fuckin' break. I'm not giving you a cent.

Fuck it, then. I don't give a fuck. I don't work here.


Ha-ha! Woo!

♪ ♪

Thank you.

-Thank you for having me. -Thank you.

-And by the way, your home is lovely. -You're welcome.

Richard: Well, I did pick out,

I would say, a majority of the stuff.

Jon: Well, I can tell. Great taste.

Michelle (muttering): He's sitting down, Richard.

Richard, he's sitting down. I can't--

He's gotta sit somewhere.

-I can't-- I don't want-- -You know what?

You can't sit on the arm. It's too thin.

-No, I like a thick, cushy arm. -I agree with you.

Excuse me, everyone, but dinner is ready.

-Please follow me into the dining room. -Okay.

This way.

-Jon: Here we are. -Welcome. Here we are.

Richard, darling, this way.

-Richard: Thank you, babe. -Michelle: Next to me.

-Thank you. -Michelle.

Wh-what's with the, uh, wooden chair here?

Oh, you know, I'm so sorry.

I-I-- This set only comes with seven chairs.

-Seven chairs. -Richard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-How unusual. -Richard: I was with her.

It was weird, but I, I loved them, so, I went with it.

-Ah. -Richard: Hey, we're having a dinner.

-Let's all enjoy. Let's enjoy. -Yes!

-Michelle: Let's enjoy. -Let's enjoy.

-Yes, let's enjoy. -Bless the new table.

-...for a second? -Who, me?

-Yeah. -What now?

You got me sitting in that wooden chair?

-It's embarrassing. -It's new furniture.

She's afraid if you sit on it, you're gonna ruin it.

I don't have a bleeding rectum. Okay?

And even if I did,

it's not gonna bleed onto the chair.

A rectum came to my mind first.

-I forgot. -All right.

The chair's in the house.

You tell the CEO that I want that chair.

You can't get one.

If I don't get a normal chair,

I'm gonna blow this bullshit bleeding rectum story

sky high. Okay?

So get me a normal chair.

I'd really appreciate it.

All right, you'll get the chair.

-Okay? -Michelle: That's great.

Let's get the salads, and...

egg rolls out. We'll wait about 15 minutes for dinner?

Hey, Michelle. Hi, honey.

-Hi. What's going on? -Listen, I spoke to Larry,

and he's really embarrassed, and, uh...

you gotta get him the chair.

No, he's not-- he's not sitting in the chair.

-No. -He said he'd really appreciate it.

Really? He said that? He said he would appreciate it?

Yeah, I wouldn't lie to you.

Okay. Okay, fine. Fine, fine.

Let him, let him sit in the chair, but...

if he bleeds in my new chair,

you're in big fuckin' trouble.


-All: Ooh. -Mm.

Cassie: Okay. So, Jon. this movie. So, uh,

what does the character even do?

-He's a sitcom writer. -Cassie: Of course.

Uh, but the whole-- Very successful. The whole thing is,

it turns out that the thing he's most known for,

his big sitcom that he created,

he stole it from an Australian sitcom.

-Larry: What? -The guy's a total fraud.

He stole the idea.

-He stole-- -What?

What do you mean? Stole it?

I didn't steal anything.

No, in the movie, not you.

-...their show is stolen. -Larry: Yes!

The character's name is Lawrence Dean.

Hey, hey, hey. Guess what I found? I found a chair!

All: Oh!

Yes! Hey!

-What a miracle. -Richard: It was in the garage.

Michelle: How come you didn't tell me?

-It was all wrapped up. -Ooh.

It was wrapped up in plastic.

-I didn't know what the fuck it was. -How could you not tell me?

-What a lucky thing. -Richard: Yeah.

Because they didn't know, and they just found it

-in the garage. -It all worked out. Look at that!

-They're very comfortable, very pretty. -Larry: Yeah.

It's very bouncy. It's, it's kind of bouncy.

Larry: Yeah. I love this chair.

Jon: Now we can eat.

-Want more of these? -Larry: Ah. Love Chinese.

Thank you.

You guys, do you pick up the rice bowl and eat it like this?

Or do you start on the table,

and then pick it up, pick the rice up?

You pick up the bowl first.

Yeah, eat right out of the bowl.

-Alex: Huh? -Larry: Yeah, yeah. In a way.

Oh, Michelle.

-The walnut shrimp is scrumptious. -Mm.


-You think so? -It's really good.

-What are we waiting for? -I mean, come on. Come on.

-Larry: Hey, hey, hey, hey. -What are you doing?

Andy: I'm turning the Lazy Susan the way it should be turned.

-In order. -Larry: No, no, no, no, no.

A Lazy Susan is like a roundabout, okay?

I'm sorry, I don't think you're right.

-Cassie: Okay, can I-- -I don't think you know how a roundabout works.

It's first come, first serve. That's a roundabout.

-It works like a Lazy Susan. -Larry: No!

-The cars-- -That's now how a lazy Susan works.

-Can I ask you a favor, please? -It's how a lazy Susan--

Can I ask you both a favor?

Can you please not use that term "Lazy Susan"?

It's got racist and sexist connotations,

and I'd really prefer

-you just not call it that. -Whoa.

-Larry: Lazy Susan? -Yes.

Who's that racist towards? Susans?

I would just like you to not use the term.

You're right. You know what? It should be--

We should definitely start using the Ambitious Susan.

Yes, yes. Please spin the Indefatigable Susan.

Oh, can we have the Multifaceted Susan my way, please?

Yeah, spin the Industrious Susan.

Ooh, can you spin Ambidextrous Susan, please.

-Oh, the Ambidextrous Susan. -Yes, both ways.

-Both: Both ways. -So funny. You want it?

-You want it? You want your stuff? -Whoa!

♪ ♪

-(gasps) -Whoa!

Richard: Oh, man.

-Larry: What? I, I didn't-- -What did you do?

-You wouldn't shut up! -(all arguing)

I don't give a shit! I want you out!

-You're kicking me out? -Michelle: Yeah. And you,

Larry David Junior, you can go, too.

-You're kicking me out. -Yes, Jon Hamm.


-All right. -All right.

-Okay. (grunts) -We should, uh...

-Eh. -Eh.

(cell phone rings)

Larry: Hey.

I just got in a huge accident on Mount--

-(screams) -Wha?

They just flew right in front of me. Ow!

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

They're taking me to a hospital,

-I don't know this town. -Okay, don't worry about a thing.

I'll be on the next flight to Denver.

-You would do that for me? -Of course.

Oh, my God, Larry. You really are a prince.

Don't worry. I'm calling my travel agent right now.

Thank you so, so much. Ow!

-(phone rings) -Westside Travel and Tour.

I need to get on the next flight to Denver, please.

I've got one leaving in an hour and 40 minutes.

Perfect. Fantastic. Book it.

Eliza: Oh, you're lucky. There's only one seat left.



It's a coach seat. Oh, it's a middle seat.

Shall I book it?

Any other flights going to Denver?

We've got a two, a four,

and a six.

Anything in rows... one through four?

The only thing left is coach.


It's not until 9:00 p.m.

9:00 p.m. Perfect. I'll take it. Book it.

Eliza: Very well.

(cell phone rings)


Hey, Larry.

I'm at the shoe shine shop, right?

And the guy must have food poisoning.

He's stuck on the fuckin' toilet right now.

So? What do you want me to do?

The guy relies on me for his six o'clock piss.

-Larry: (claps) Hey. -Yeah.

I need you to do me a favor. Actually, do Leon a favor.

He needs somebody to fill in for him at the newsstand.

-For the "Gotta Go" app? -Yeah.

I can't do it.

No, no. You gotta do it. I can't do it,

because I have to fly to Denver.

Yeah, well, once I got my sweats on,

there's no going back. I got my sweats on.

What is it, an immutable law of physics?

Once you're in sweats, you can't get out?

Newton's Law of Sweats?

It's Jeff Greene's Law of Day Over.

Listen, I'd really appreciate it.

-I'm in my sweats! -(phone rings)

-Hello? -Larry, what the fuck you doin', man?

-Goddamn! -Larry (over phone): All right, okay!

Shut the fuck up! I'll come!

Thank you. Thank you, by the way.

-(sneezes) Wow. -Larry: God bless you.


-Yeah. Yeah. -Oh.

-I really gotta go. -Okay. Okay. Hurry up.

-Okay. I'll be quick. -Okay.

-Okay. Thank you. -Yeah. Hurry up.


(distant siren wailing)

Oh, my God.

-(phone rings) -Hello?

Hasn't come back.

I gotta catch a plane to Denver.

Hey, no browsing.

Hey, do you carry Vegan Living?

Who gives a shit? Get the hell out of here.

You gotta come and relieve me.

I can't, Larry. I'm at the shoe shine stand.

This guy's taking a $40 shit.

Thanks very much. Hey.

Larry: Hey!

-You are a lifesaver. -No worries, no worries.

-Thank you so much. -Not at all.


Really appreciate this.

Hey, no prob--

-Ah? (laughing) -Larry: Ah?

I get it. (laughs)

Larry: Oh, my God.

Excuse me, I'm so sorry.

I got seven minutes to catch the plane.

It sounds like a lie, but it's not.

I'm not a cutter by nature.

You know, she's my ex-wife's sister.

We don't have to get into that, but,

nevertheless, thank you so much.

-I really appreciate it. -Next.

Are you together?


Man: No.

Why would you think we were together?

No reason.

-No, no reason at all? -No reason?

I just assumed you were a couple--

-Woman: You assumed? -Man: You assumed--

I mean, I've never-- I mean, nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you, too. -Yeah, see, look, we just met.

Honest mistake.

But why did you make the mistake?

Two men, two women.

If I saw a man wearing a yarmulke,

standing next to a woman wearing a kerchief

and carrying a mahjong set,

I would think they were a couple.

Anyway, I'd love to continue our discussion.

It's been very interesting. I have to catch a flight to Denver.

Hello, sir. Boarding pass?


You've been randomly selected for a security search, sir.

What? What? Secure-- What are you talking about?

-Can someone get my spot? Thank you. -Larry: Oh, please.

Are you kidding me? Oh, they couldn't be a couple.

Oh, it's crazy.

It has nothing to do with that, sir.

Oh, it has nothing to do with that?

-No. -Come on, I'm gonna miss my flight to Denver.

-Enjoy that search. Yeah. -Enjoy it.

Honestly, if you're looking--

I would look... Los Angeles magazine.

Right down there.

You don't find what you need,

Excuse me, ma'am. No browsing.

No, I'm just looking for an article that Jay Inslee--

Both: Oh.

-Oh, hi. -Cheryl.

-Jon. -That's me.

-Hamm. Hi. -Yes.

What are you doing here?

He had to-- He had to jump out and run to the airport.

I'm sorry. Does Larry own a newsstand now?

Great question.

-I don't have an answer. -Okay.

-So you are Larry's ex-wife. Wow. -Yeah. I know.

-I find that fascinating. -Do you?

Oh, my gosh. Spending the last few days with him?

-I gotta know everything. -It's a lot.

Well, do you wanna just go get some coffee?

Sit down and talk?

-Now? -Well, yeah. Why not?

-Okay. Uh... -Let's go.

Are you kidding me? I wanna hear everything.

Cheryl: You might be bored. Ah, 17 years...

Jon: Wow.

Do you recognize that signature?

Leon: He killed the motherfucker 'cause the waffles

had expired and shit.

Gonna sit in that room and get interrogated--

Hey. Okay? You happy? You happy?

-I hope you're happy. -What the fuck, man?

-I missed my flight to Denver. -Jeff: Sorry.

Larry: Oh, because you wouldn't get out of your sweat pants.

Suppose there was an emergency? Then what?

You take the sweat pants off?

Suppose, uh, your friend was in a car accident.

-Which friend? -Me. I got hit by a car.

How did you get hit by a car?

I, I got a piece of pizza, and,

and I was crossing the street,

and the, the cheese fell off,

and I bent down to pick up the cheese,

and I got hit by a car.

I don't want to litter so I picked up the cheese

and I put it in the garbage can.

No. You were gonna pick up the cheese,

and put it on your pizza and eat it.

-You don't know. -I know.

And you, fuckstick, don't ever ask me

to man any post for you again, 'cause I'm not doin' it!

Just consider me in sweatpants all the time.

Fuck that job. I quit that shit already.

-Wow. That was fast. -Fuck, yeah. I'm in and out.

All right, I gotta go text Becky now

and tell her I missed my flight 'cause of you two assholes,

and tell her I'll be on the first flight out to Denver

tomorrow morning. Actually, second flight.

Why second flight?

First class.


Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What?

Oh, my-- Larry!



Cheryl: Oh, look.

Latte Larry's.

-Yeah. Yeah. -Spite store.

-I heard about this. -Yeah.

There we go.

You got it.

I've never been in this shop. I just--

It's kind of a wobbly table, you know?

It's like my least favorite thing.

-It's all right. -Mocha Joe: Here we go.

Thank you so much for coming in, Mr. Hamm. How's that scone?

Uh, not so much a scone.

-No, it's a scone. -Nah, this is like a muffin.

I mean, I'm just saying, like, there's kind of a specific

quality that a scone has that's sort of dry and crumbly.

This is sweet. It's a little more like a muffin than a scone.

What you are describing is a stale scone.

-That's a, that's fresh one. -I'm not sure you know what a...

definition of a scone is.

It looks good. I think, um...

-I'm just saying, I'm saying it's a muffin. -Let's not worry about it.

You want me to take it away?

No, I'm gonna keep the muffin.

-Yeah, I'll enjoy the muffin. -Cheryl: I'm good.

It doesn't matter.


Oh! So when I first met Mocha Joe--

Ugh. Oh, hold on.

-No. No. No. -What's wrong?

Mocha Joe!

This coffee's... it's not hot.

-It's plenty hot. -No, it's, it's plenty not.

-It's, it's, it is, it is at best luke. -It's hot.

-Oh, God. -Jon: I don't know what to tell you.

This is not, this is not a hot cup of coffee.

-This is not hot. -It's hot.

I beg to differ. This is not hot.

-No, no, no, I don't know-- -Would I be able to do this?

Would I be able to do this

if this was a hot cup of coffee?

-Doesn't even hurt. Doesn't even hurt. -I can't do this.

-This coffee's not hot. -Jon Hamm...

-I'm done. I can't do this. -Cheryl--

Cheryl: God.

-Cheryl! -No.

-Come on. -Nope.

See, now look. The table. Look at this. All over the place.

-All right, you know what, Jon Hamm? -All over the place.

-Unbelievable. -Get out.

And you're banned, Jon Hamm!

Jon: I don't care!


I'm here!

Look. Look! Flowers, balloons.

Larry David. What could be better?

-Take a smell of that. Yeah? Pretty good. -Yep. Smells like flowers.

-Right? Where do you want 'em? Here? -Yeah.

Ugh. I came as soon as I could.

Did you?

Yes, I did.

'Cause it's, uh, been a little over 24 hours

since I called you and you were gonna

hop on the next flight. So I just, I've been a little confused.

Big issue with the TSA last night.

-Ugh. I'm not even gonna bore you with it. -Why would book a night flight?

I called you at 10:00 o'clock yesterday morning.

Um, you know, the-- I couldn't get a seat. There were no seats.

There were no seats on any of the planes?

There were...

no seats...

for me?

Are you talking about first class seats?


-Yeah. Yeah. -Becky: Yeah?

I broke my leg!

-I called you scared. -Yeah.

-And hurt. -Yeah. I know.

-You know. All right, I'm gonna be... -What?

-I'll just be straight with you, okay? -Yeah. That'd be great.

-I've been honest with you up until now. -Yes.

-So I'm gonna be honest with you again. -Go for it.

I have a bleeding rectum.

They're okay with you bleeding

out of your rectum in first class?

It's a more comfortable place to bleed.

I think it's probably best that you go.

-What? -Yeah. Leave the flowers,

but take the ugly balloon, and just go.


-Hey. You gonna eat that Jell-O? -I'm not gonna eat the Jell-O.


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The Description of Elizabeth, Margaret and Phillip