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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map

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[driving rock music]

[jet engine whining]

- Five continents.

12 countries.

19 cities.

50,000 miles.

Five characters.

One dead terrorist.

We're all over the map.

♪ ♪

Hey, guys, I just completed

the longest and biggest tour I've ever been on,

and I couldn't have done it without my wife, Audrey,

who's traveled everywhere,

or without my friend Jeff Rothpan,

who's never traveled further than his own mailbox.

Was I a little concerned about doing shows in the Far East

and in Africa and the Middle East?

[laughing] No.

I was a lot concerned.

But the adventures all began in Iceland.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Walter, I'm just impressed that all these folks

came out for our show tonight.

- Well, don't be.

- Why? - Well, it's Iceland.

It's not you or us.

There's nothing else to do here.

- I know you read up on Iceland a little bit

before we came back.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- What'd you read about?

- Well, the volcanoes.

- You read about that? - Oh, yeah, it's great.

Imagine something that can erupt at any second

and destroy everything in its path.

- Yup. - I'll be darned.

- What? - I married a volcano.

- Did you know that Iceland has one of the highest

life expectancies in the entire world?

- I did not know that.

- Especially women. - Huh?

- Yeah, here, a woman's average life span

is 90 to 100 years.

- Send my wife home immediately.

What is this, hell on Earth?

- All right, how do you like the food here?

- Oh, very funny. - What?

- I tried some of that-- what do you call that--

hák--hákarl.

Hákarl.

Hákarl.

[phlegmy hacking]

You cannot speak Icelandic without moving your lips.

I'm telling you.

Think about it.

There's no Icelandic ventriloquists ever.

- [laughs]

- I will say, though,

I think the folks of Iceland are geniuses.

- How's that?

- They know how to keep

from getting overcrowded with foreigners.

- How's that?

- Simply by naming the place Iceland.

It sounds like you'll freeze your ass off.

Plus, it's easier to say than

Dark Long Winter Land Where the Weather is Shit.

We're morons for naming our country the United States.

Sounds way too welcoming.

We should have called our country

Crazy Assholes with Guns.

- Did you get a chance to go to a volcano?

- Oh, yes, I did. - Did you take your wife?

- Yes, I did. - What'd she think?

- She kept saying the same thing over and over.

- What? - "Stop trying to push me in."

- On another subject, did you know

that strip clubs are also illegal here?

- Really? - Right.

- So if I want to see a naked woman,

I have to take a six-hour flight to Scotland?

- Or there's your wife.

- Oh, that's true.

In Iceland, it's legal to whale hunt.

- That's not nice.

[cheers and applause]

[lilting music]

♪ ♪

So I do an interview with the Nancy Grace of Iceland.

Tough, penetrating questions.

- How do we face criticism?

- We don't care.

♪ ♪

Good thing we had to hold our own microphone.

This place is on a budget.

[crickets chirping]

- Look, I don't want to start a riot or anything,

but I want all the hot Icelandic women to know...

I'm easy.

The only problem is,

Jeff will have to come along too.

- I'm happily married.

- Not my problem.

Did you know that every single city in Iceland

is named after the sound a cat makes

when throwing up a hairball?

- [laughs]

- I learned that.

- That's not true. - Oh.

[mimics retching] Reykjavík.

There it is.

- My favorite person in Iceland is a guy named Hafthor.

He should be called Whole Thor

because he won strongest man in Iceland and in Europe.

I didn't test him, but I believe it.

It was a little awkward walking around with the guy

because he pulls trucks,

and I...have dolls.

[jaunty music]

Game of Thrones, right? - Yes.

Well, who do you play in Game of Thrones?

- The Mountain.

- The Mountain.

- In season 4. - Well, that makes sense.

It wouldn't be good if you were, like, the Stick.

So you're the Mount-- you're the Mountain.

And you're a Viking. I'm a ventriloquist.

So we have nothing in common.

- No, not really. [both laugh]

- How far could you actually throw me?

- I could probably throw you to the water over there.

You want to try? - No, I don't want to try.

What do you think about Iceland?

- Uh, do they have beer?

- Yeah. - It's my favorite place ever.

- You know, even though it's named Iceland,

did you know that the winters here are actually fairly mild?

- No. - Mm-hmm.

- Well...

[smacks lips]

Guess they should have called it Chile.

[chuckles]

That's a joke, Hafthor.

If you eat too much, will you be 3/4 Thor?

- [chuckles]

- I did a fraction.

- That was good.

Have you seen the colors of the Icelandic flag?

- Uh, no, I haven't seen it.

- There's red for the volcanic fires...

- Oh, that's good. Yeah.

- Blue for the mountains in the distance...

- Yeah.

- And white-- - For the people.

- So have you enjoyed being here in Iceland?

- I hate the volcanoes.

- Why?

- Things blowing up naturally?

If this gets popular, I'll be out of a job.

If one goes off while I'm here, I'm taking credit for it.

See that pile of smoke and ash?

I did that.

[cackles]

Ta-da!

[cheers and applause]

[fast-paced electronic music]

[man yodeling]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[cow moos]

- Okay, did you know that they have

the oldest tree in Norway right here in Bergen?

- Fascinating.

If I wanted to see some old wood, I'll take a Viagra.

[laughs]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

- Did you know the first-ever ski jumper was from Norway?

- Let me guess. Married and miserable?

- So you've never been snow skiing?

- Actually, yes, once.

Broke a leg.

- Oh, I bet that hurt.

- I don't know. Wasn't my leg.

- Norway is all about water, the fjords.

I found a sea captain who agreed to help me

with the subtleties of the language.

[jaunty music]

♪ ♪

Can you teach me to say, um,

"I can't find my room"?

- [speaking Norwegian]

- [mimicking Norwegian]

[both laugh] Okay, forget it.

Did you know that Norway is a constitutional monarchy?

- Oh, yes. I did.

- It means they have a king.

- [gasps]

So it's true.

- Mm-hmm.

- Elvis is alive.

- No.

Another thing, you know,

you better not get caught driving drunk.

- Why?

- Well, if you're caught,

you have to spend 30 days in jail.

- Oh, yeah.

- They suspend your license.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- And then they fine you 10% of your annual income.

- [gasps]

So that would be $12.

Do you know where I can buy some whiskey around here?

- Well, in Norway, you can only buy liquor

from special stores called--

good God.

Vin--

How do you say it?

[man shouts indistinctly]

Yeah, that.

- Vin--vinmonon...

[mimicking Norwegian]

- So do you know about the midnight sun?

- Huh?

- The midnight sun.

- Is that Norway's Batman?

- No, in the summer, some parts of Norway

get 24 hours of sunlight.

- [guffaws]

What?

- They have 24 hours of sunlight.

- Oh, that's almost a whole day.

- So we've done a lot of interesting things

while in Norway.

- Yeah, this morning, I milked a goat.

- Oh.

- Achmed got mad at me.

I think I was touching his chick.

- On another subject I was talking about with Walter,

the Norwegians invented skiing.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- In Norwegian, the word "ski" means piece of wood.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, piece of wood. Yeah.

Can I try speaking Norwegian?

- Sure. - Okay.

That hot lady in the front row is giving me a big ski.

- Heard something else interesting.

Did you know Norway sends Sweden its garbage

to use in its recycling programs?

- [clicks tongue]

A lot of countries import other countries' garbage.

- Mm.

- Canada gave us Justin Bieber.

- I was telling one of the other guys,

did you know that Norway means "Path to the North"?

- That's interesting, because where we from,

Mexico means "Pack Your Bags and Start Running North."

- All right.

[cheers and applause]

[whimsical music]

- Silence! I kill you!

- So while we're here--

- Wait! I want to ask you something.

Can we go to IKEA?

- This is Norway. IKEA is in Sweden.

- Oh, too bad.

I wanted to give IKEA a new advertising slogan.

- And what's that?

- IKEA-ll you!

[laughs maniacally]

- So, Achmed, did you know that the biathlon is popular here?

- What is this biathlon?

- It's where you ski and shoot a gun.

- Oh, yes, of course.

But in Los Angeles, you drive and shoot a gun.

- I also learned today

that the Vikings put their dead on a boat

and sent them out to sea.

- Yes, of course.

The first Norwegian Cruise Line.

[cheers and applause]

[peppy rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- So we landed in lovely Dublin, Ireland, last night.

We landed, but none of the baggage did.

I got, like, 29 baggage tags,

no clothes, no dummies,

no toothbrush, no underwear, no nothing.

So I have a show in eight hours.

I guess, for now, I'm just gonna walk around and drink Guinness.

[Irish bagpipe music]

♪ ♪

So have you learned much about Ireland since we got here?

- Uh, I'd say Americans and the Irish

pretty much think alike.

- How's that?

- Most of us think our government

should take a flying fuckin' leap.

- Well, besides politics, did you know that Bram Stoker,

who wrote--created Dracula, is from Dublin?

- Oh, yeah, I didn't know that.

[muttering] Dracula.

Dracula, you mean the guy who sleeps all day,

goes out every night, and can't stop drinking?

I wonder where Stoker got that idea.

I once picked up an Irish hitchhiker.

- You did? - Yeah.

- Where was he going? - Rehab.

- Have you noticed this is a very diverse city?

- Yes, yes, I saw the black guy.

Good for you.

- Did you see the O'Connell Bridge?

- No, what's that?

- It's the only bridge in Europe

that's as wide as it is long.

- Oh.

I married her.

Is it a toll bridge?

- No. - Oh.

Well, that's another thing

my wife and the bridge have in common.

- How's that?

- No one would ever pay to get on her either.

See if I can speak Irish.

[singsongy gibberish]

[singsongy gibberish]

- You're not-- [laughs]

You're not saying anything.

- No, but they can understand me.

- So what do you think about Dublin so far?

- Uh, uh, uh...

this is the land of beer.

- That's right.

- I know we're going to Israel soon,

but while we've been here in Dublin,

I've seen pubs everywhere,

so I'm pretty sure this is the Holy Land.

[guffaws]

And this is the biggest Alcoholics Anonymous meeting

I've ever been to.

- I have a joke.

- All right.

- What do you call women in Ireland?

- I don't know.

What do you call women in Ireland?

- You call them women, you chauvinist bastard.

- We landed in Belfast the other day,

and I'm like, "What, Belfast?

Am I here for a job interview?"

[laughs maniacally]

I love Dublin.

I would never do anything evil to Dublin.

- Really?

- I'm afraid of the soccer fans.

But have you looked at this audience?

- Yes.

- Closely?

When the lights are up? - Yes.

- I am made entirely out of bone and teeth,

and my color actually blends in.

- All right, Achmed. Look.

As everybody was coming in tonight,

they were given an opportunity or two to ask you a question.

- Yes? - And everybody wrote them down.

And before the show, we grabbed a handful,

and I think you should answer them.

- Okeydokey. - All right.

"Dear Achmed, does Guinness go right through you?"

- You asshole!

Yes.

And so does potatoes,

corned beef, and fucking sunlight.

- All right.

Victor, a very important question.

Victor, is this legitimate?

- Yes!

- Okeydokey.

It's-- [laughs]

- What? - [laughs]

All right, you really want to do this?

- Yeah! - Yes.

- Okay.

- Holy shit.

From Victor.

It says, "Dear Achmed,

would you help me propose to my girlfriend?"

No.

Next question.

I'm just kidding. Victor--

Can we turn on house lights, please?

House lights.

Okay.

The guys working the lights that are smoking weed,

turn on the fucking lights.

There he is.

Okay.

Victor, before you do this, think this through!

Okay, all right. Let's hear it.

- What did she say?

- Yeah!

This is the saddest thing I have ever seen.

"I asked your mommy to marry me

prompted by a dead terrorist."

If you have kids, name the first one Achmed.

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you so much!

[frenetic punk music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ God save our gracious Queen

Long live our noble Queen

God save our Queen

- Isn't England where Mary Poppins is from?

- Oh, it took place in London.

- Oh, yeah, okay, yeah.

You know, I dated her for a while.

- You dated Mary Poppins? - Yes, I did.

- No. - Yeah, I did.

We were very young.

- Oh, really? - Yeah, oh, yes.

I was the first guy to get into her chim chim cher-ee.

Kind of ruined things when, in the moment of passion,

she started screaming some weird word.

It was like super California

Refrigerator expy delicious lotion.

Something like that.

Pretty kinky chick.

I'll tell you that much.

- We landed in London.

It's afternoon.

It's time for high tea

with four very proper English ladies.

[delicate music]

[stately music]

♪ ♪

Now, Walter, do you know why we're here today?

- Uh, tea.

[laughter]

How come nobody is drinking any yet?

- Well, nobody's been told by Mother.

- What did you call me?

[laughter]

- You hardly ever have men at afternoon tea.

- Well, we'll go out later.

Trust me. I'm a lot of fun.

[laughter]

- So, Peanut, what has impressed you most

since we've been in England?

- Um, I love this country

because just about everything

is double entendre.

- [laughs] Like what?

- Oh, come on. Even the food.

Bangers and mash. Come on!

- That's sausages and potatoes.

- It sounds more like a male dance team

or two guys dating.

I don't want to be mash, all right?

- Have you seen anyone famous since we've been here?

- Yes, I actually did.

I saw Victoria Beckham.

- You did not. - I did too!

I think.

She was facing me,

and then when she turned sideways,

she disappeared.

- Did you know that the very first X-ray

was taken right here in Birmingham, England, in 1896?

- [scoffs]

You call it an X-ray.

I call it a selfie.

- So what did you do today?

- I saw where they keep all those useless wax figures.

- Ah, Madame Tussauds wax museum.

- No, no, Parliament.

- With that in mind, have you learned anything

since we've been here?

- Uh, I've learned

that the folks in Birmingham like to be called Brummies.

- Right.

- So I took that knowledge forward.

Unfortunately, the folks in Scotland

do not like to be called Scummies.

Oh, they got all pissed off.

I don't know what the hell they were saying.

You ever tried to talk to an angry Scot?

Good God.

[harsh gibberish]

What the fuck are you saying?

- Did you know that the Reverend Wilbert Awdry

wrote Thomas the Tank Engine books here?

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- So a clergyman came up with books for young boys.

Well, you know what they say.

- [laughs] What's that?

- Write what you know.

We were talking to this guy in the front row.

He's very calm, talking very nice.

Not you!

Okay, what is your first name again?

- [speaks indistinctly] - What?

- Nabil. - Nabil?

- Yeah.

- Is that a first name

or something you take medicine to get rid of?

Is that a family name or just parents drunk and...

[mumbling]

[English accent] All right, let's name him Nabil.

[burps]

Is that a common English name?

- No. - No?

- [speaking indistinctly] - What--a what?

- I'm from Iraq.

- Oh, you're from Iraq?

What the fuck?

What are the odds?

Birmingham, England,

get the asshole from Iraq in the front row.

Okay, now I've forgotten your name.

Was it Abdul? Habu--

Neb--

Nabul. - Nabil.

- Nabil.

Holy crap.

Can I call you Bob?

[swinging rock music]

♪ ♪

- We're here with Clare Ireland at The Beatles Story.

- Clare, let's say some idiot comes in here

and has no idea who the Beatles were.

That happens, doesn't it? - Now and again.

- Yeah, you got morons who come in here

and go, "Who were the Beatles?"

Well, let's say I'm one of those guys.

No, let's say Jeff is one of those guys.

Go ahead, Jeff, ask.

- Um, who were the Beatles?

- The Beatles were four boys that come from Liverpool

that actually changed the world.

- Yeah, they paved the way for One Direction.

I think the Beatles are a fad.

I give them three months, tops.

- All right, so what do you think of Liverpool so far?

- Uh, having a good time.

Yeah, lots of... [chuckles]

Beatles stuff.

- Well, this is the original home of the Beatles.

- Yeah, do Paul and Ringo ever get back here,

or are they still trying to avoid running into Pete Best?

- For those who might be watching and aren't familiar,

Pete Best was the original drummer for the Beatles before--

- Before they dumped his ass and got Ringo.

- That's right.

- That had to suck.

You think he's over it by now?

- I don't-- I don't know.

You know, they named a street after Pete Best.

- Oh, well, yes, great.

That's got to make up for the millions

of dollars and pounds, don't you think?

What the hell's the name of the street,

You Got Screwed Boulevard?

Shafted Lane?

- I don't-- [laughs]

- It Could Have Been You Road?

- I don't know.

- You guys have all the crazy tourists

wanting to see where the Beatles are from.

You know, we in the U.S., we have the same thing

with Elvis Presley-- Graceland in Memphis.

- Whoo! - Yeah, oh, yeah--

Shut up. No one cares here.

Anyway...

Graceland, that's where Elvis fans flock

to see where Elvis lived.

And if you're a Michael Jackson fan,

you can come out to L.A. and take a walking tour

of all his plastic surgeons' offices.

Quite lovely.

The nose was done here.

It fell off here, and they redid it here.

[high-pitched] ♪ Hoo-hoo-hoo

- And you know there's more to see here

than just the Beatles stuff.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

There's The International Slavery Museum.

- Oh.

What an uplifting afternoon that should be.

- Did you know that it was in Liverpool

that scientists first discovered

that malaria was spread by mosquitoes?

[chuckles]

- That's just fascinating, Jeff.

Let's put that on the "Welcome" signs.

That'll bring in the tourists.

"Come to Liverpool!

"We have Beatles and mosquitoes.

"And one of them carries a deadly disease!

Find out which one!"

Ringo?

[cheers and applause]

[bagpipes playing Scotland the Brave]

♪ ♪

[lilting string music]

- After touring the Beatle museum

in Liverpool this morning,

we took a long drive,

and we have now reached the border

between England and Scotland,

and here it is right here.

- We're still 20 minutes out.

- We'll be in Scotland in 20 minutes.

[driving rock music]

How the hell did this happen?

I mean, I'm on the other side of the planet,

and people know who I am,

and they're laughing at my jokes.

And who would think that that dumb little terrorist

would have brought things this far?

I know a little fact.

Did you know that people in Scotland

buy 40 bottles of whisky every second?

- This is my favorite country ever.

Do they have NASCAR in the uk?

- In the what?

- In the uk?

- The--

Oh, it's U.K.

- Oh.

You can spell.

- But Glasgow is--

You told me it was confusing for you.

- Well, it is. - Why?

- Yesterday at lunch, my waitress asked me

if I wanted some tatties and neeps.

When I said, "Yes,"

instead of taking off her top, she brought me food.

It was the worst strip club I'd ever been to.

- Tatties and neeps are served with haggis.

- Well, she didn't show me that either.

But next week, we're in Australia,

so that's when I'll see down under.

- Did you know that golf was invented in Scotland?

- [gasps] Fascinating.

You know what else was invented here?

- What?

- Being in public and yelling, "Shit!"

Wait; we might use that on the DVD,

and they're not gonna let us say "shit."

Take two.

- Yeah. [laughs]

You want to do the joke again?

- Yeah, what the hell? Why not?

It was a good joke. They laughed at it.

I can do that. All right, here we go.

Take two, assholes!

Did you talk to them about the--

you know, how-- the way they speak?

- Okay, now, look. We're in their country.

- Yeah. - They speak normally.

- [laughs]

I know some Scottish.

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

I learned it. Okay, ready?

I watched a video.

It's like this. [clears throat]

[as Scotty] I can't do it, Captain!

- How about the Loch Ness Monster?

- How's that?

- Well, do you believe in a mysterious creature

that lives in the murky depths and breathes fire?

- Believe in it? I married its sister.

- A lot of famous actors are Scottish.

- Like who?

- Sean Connery, Ewan McGregor, Gerard Butler--

- What about Benedict Cumberbatch?

- No, no.

Well, he's a famous actor, but he's British.

- I know; I just like saying "Cumberbatch."

Hey, babe, I'll show you my Benedict

if you show me your Cumberbatch.

- We've been talking about Scotland a bit.

- Oh, yes? - Mm-hmm.

I read the other day that Scotland is actually the--

I've saved this fact for you--

the murder capital of Europe.

- [gasps]

I didn't do it!

I had nothing to do with this shit.

- Did you know that bagpipes have existed in Scotland

since the 14th century?

- [gasps]

That is probably about the time the murder rate went up.

[mimicking bagpipes droning]

[mimics explosion]

[laughs maniacally]

Did you know that I think my mother was part Scottish?

- Why do you say that?

- Sometimes she'd want to put me in Scottish clothing.

- Really? - Oh, sure.

She'd say, "I kilt you."

[laughs] Kilt.

Kilt. Get it? Kilt?

I kilt you.

- Jackie Dawson?

Jackie, where are you?

[man shouts]

- Jackie, lay off the testosterone!

You sound like a fucking guy.

You scared the shit out of everyone around you.

[high-pitched voice] Where's Jackie?

[low, grumbly voice] I'm here.

This is why, in my country, we cover our women.

- Where are you, M-M-Mari?

[woman shouting indistinctly]

Right, I can't roll my Rs.

- [trills]

[trills]

Don't worry. I got it.

- Okay.

Last name Christie. Is she here?

- Whoo! - Up there.

- With the guy that sounds like a chick.

- She says, "Dear Achmed,

"I have a problem with strange people touching me.

"I would love to tell them I will kill them,

"but that can come across as rude.

Any other suggestions?"

- Put your clothes back on and get off the pole.

- "Dear Achmed, can you please

wish Lisa Lamont a happy birthday?"

- [chuckles] No.

Okay, okay, Lisa, happy freaking birthday.

Yay.

How old are you?

What? What the hell'd she say?

How old?

- 30! - 30!

- Oh. Oh, yeah, okay, she's the 30--

[Scottish accent] 30.

I'm gonna try the...

[Scottish accent] 30. I'm 30, you damn fool!

- A Scottish dead terrorist?

- 30's something I can work on, lad.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat exotic music]

♪ ♪

[camels bellowing]

So in the middle of the trip, we come to Abu Dhabi.

What have we been looking forward to?

Riding camels.

So we got in the car this morning

to come out here and ride the camels.

Why not? You have to. But what are the odds?

As we're coming here in the car, we picked up the newspaper,

and the front headline says,

"'Avoid close contact with camels,'

say the veterinarian experts."

Why?

Because there's a new virus going around

that people can catch

and 1/3 of the people die.

[laughs]

Skip the camels.

[camel bellowing]

My question is,

when you sign the little thing on the airplane,

"Have you been to any farms?"

[laughs]

Nope.

Have not.

Been to no farms.

♪ ♪

By the time I was done, it was 104 degrees out,

and I was sweating like a pig, and--

[people yelling indistinctly]

What happened? What?

[people yelling indistinctly]

Wait a minute-- Oh, I can't say "pig"?

What? I don't know what to--

See, I don't know what to-- Forget it.

Just--I don't know anything.

What the [...] are they talking about?

You, you, sir.

No one else talk. What are they saying?

And please, use an accent I can understand.

Don't say "pig"? Is that it?

Okay. I was sweating like a goat.

All right.

- Holy crap.

[laughs]

You're not gonna... [mutters]

- What are you trying to say?

- [stammering]

No Achmed.

No Achmed.

Can you not fucking see out there?

- I will talk to Achmed about this later.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Can I get in the box and get the fuck out first?

It's not a good idea.

We're not in Israel.

- I know.

Walter, are you enjoying Abu Dhabi?

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's good.

- It's the first Arab nation we've ever played, right?

- Yeah.

All I can say is, we may live in Hollywood,

but don't worry; we are not Jews.

You're welcome.

- All right.

But have you been enjoying the sights around town?

- Oh, yeah, sure, amazing. Gorgeous buildings.

- Gorgeous buildings. - Yeah.

Amazing structures. Fantastic hotels.

Been looking forward to this a lot,

and here we are in a tent.

Yeah, they know how to treat the infidels, don't they?

A freaking tent.

- It's a ni-- - Yeah, a nice tent.

Yay.

It's a frickin' circus tent.

All we're missing is the midgets and music.

"Here's Jeff and Walter."

[mimicking circus music]

This sucks.

- No, it's-- [laughs]

It's a fine facility.

- Okay, all right. Yeah, yeah.

I guess we're actually safe, though.

- How's that?

- What moron would bomb a tent?

What do you?

What, do you cause $20 worth of damage?

- You know, I don't know who owns this,

but if it's one guy, he might be here tonight.

- Oh, good.

He's gonna go home to his palace,

and we're in a fucking tent.

- All right.

Did you know that over 70% of Abu Dhabi is desert?

- Again, my wife will fit right in.

- How is that?

- She's also dried out

and hostile to all forms of life.

- That's--that's not nice.

So, Bubba J, do you know where we are exactly?

- Oh, no, sure don't.

No, no. Yeah.

- Abu Dhabi.

- [guffaws]

What?

- Abu Dhabi.

- [guffaws] You're drunk.

Really? - Yeah.

- Say it again.

- Abu Dhabi.

- [chortles]

I thought that's what Fred Flintstone says

when he's excited.

- No, that's, "Yabba dabba do."

- [chuckling]

It's pretty close.

Abu Dhabi Do!

- That's nice.

- [laughs]

[man vocalizing]

♪ ♪

- How do I look? - You look good.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- All right, now, explain to everyone--

- Wait! Wait! Come back! Come back!

Come back!

You're one of the guys I really want to love me.

Is it the red cape?

Is there something wrong with that?

Did I say "ham"?

- [giggles] Shush.

- Oh, my God, your name is offensive.

Dun-ham!

Is he coming back?

Did he have to go potty?

Do you pick it up or pull it down?

Or is there a little flap?

- I have no idea if we're offending anybody.

Just stop.

- I don't care. I go home in a suitcase.

You're right; I better watch it,

or you could be going home in a box too.

Oh, yay!

You're back!

I was so worried.

I thought I'd said something to offend you

and you said, "Oh, I'm out of here.

Good-bye."

I figure some fucking shoe is gonna come flying up here.

Ooh, that would be good,

'cause then I would have the other one.

- [laughs maniacally]

Greetings, Abu Dhabi infi--

I mean folks.

[laughs maniacally]

Silence!

I kill you!

[cheers and applause]

What the hell?

What, I threaten to kill them;

they all go, "Yay!"

- I think some of them actually like you here.

- Really?

[cheers and applause]

You know, since being here,

I've been starting to rethink the whole suicide bomber thing.

- How's that?

- I blew myself up to get a new place

and a few virgins.

Meanwhile, eight guys in the front row here

have five mansions each,

a bunch of hot wives,

and their own skin.

I had no idea these options were available.

- I love you guys. Good night.

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome to Israel.

[mimicking horn music]

[all cheer]

[wistful music]

- We're in the heart of the old city of Jerusalem,

where Christians, Jews, and Muslims all live together.

But no matter what their differences,

they all seem to agree on one thing:

satellite TV.

[lively percussive music]

♪ ♪

- Where the hell are we?

I forgot. Yeah, we're here.

Okay, well, uh...

uh...

uh, um...

[smacks lips]

Shalom.

- You know why they call this the Holy Land?

- Of course. - Yeah?

- Not far from here is the birthplace

of the SodaStream.

I'm surprised at how many of the men here

have facial hair.

- That's true. - Yeah.

We went to the market today, and it took me ten minutes

to pick my wife out of the crowd.

[jaunty music]

♪ ♪

- I'm at Carmel Market in Tel Aviv, Israel,

one of the most famous markets in the entire world.

You're supposed to buy stuff here,

but you're supposed to negotiate and haggle.

I'm horrible at that.

Fine, I'll give you 10. - No.

- How about 10 shekels? - No, no.

- Could I have gotten it for 30?

- Uh, you could have.

- 15. - No.

- All right, well, you told me it was 28,

but now that it's open, how about 10?

- I'll tell you what.

Just for you, 'cause it's a Wednesday,

I'll give it to you for 32.

- See? I suck at this. - [laughs]

- A guy asked me today if I was Jewish.

- What did you say?

- I said, "Well, I don't know."

- Then what happened?

- He asked me if I was circumscribed.

- Circumcised--he asked you if you were circumcised.

- [chortles] Yeah, I guess.

- It's the act of circumcision.

- Oh, well, I have a television.

Do you know what circumcision is?

- No, I don't know what circum--

Please put me back in the suitcase.

- So, Achmed, we've been going all over the place.

- We have. - You know where we are?

- Well, we have going so many places,

I had lost track.

And we--uh...

uh...

What's with all the Jews?

- We're in Israel.

- [laughs] That's so funny.

Yeah, okay, Israel. Yeah.

Yeah, that's really funny.

What?

We're in--we're in Tel Aviv.

- [whimpers]

As in Israeli army?

Holy crap.

Well, I'm already dead. What the hell?

- Achmed, trust me. You'll be fine.

We're guests.

- So they are friendly Jews?

- Absolutely.

- Do they bite?

Can I play with one?

I actually studied about Israel before we got here.

- Really? - Yes.

This is where the letter...

[phlegmy hack] comes from.

A, C, phlegm.

You guys know this stuff.

[laughs maniacally]

Why do these folks cheer for me?

Oh, I get it.

You like nothing better than a dead terrorist.

[laughs maniacally]

I have heard folks say that Jews run the banks.

Well, I say good!

The Palestinians only have the West Bank,

and that hasn't gone so well.

Can I talk to a guy in the front row first?

- Sure. - Yes.

What is your name, infidel?

- [speaks indistinctly]

- What? - [speaks indistinctly]

- Homer?

Like Simpson?

D'oh!

Okay, you said Chonel?

Okay, good. Chonel.

Chonel, what do you do for a living?

- Electronics.

- Electronics.

Oh, I like you.

So what do you do with electronics, Chonel?

- I buy them.

- Oh, you buy them.

Do you eventually sell them?

Is this your girlfriend, your wife, what?

- His mother-in-law.

- Oh, mother-in-law.

That's a sad date you have, Chonel.

- "Dear Achmed,

can you whistle the Hava Nagila?"

- [whistling Hava Nagila]

♪ ♪

[Hava Nagila playing]

[all clapping rhythmically]

[cackles]

- You guys are awesome!

Thanks for coming out!

[cheers and applause]

[bright percussive music]

♪ ♪

[people singing in an African language]

♪ ♪

- Have you learned anything interesting

from visiting our country,

and do you use any of these bits in your comedy shows?

- We did a thing called walking with the lions.

We went out there-- and actually full-grown lions,

we were actually walking with them

while the guy that works there

throws them pieces of chicken to keep them busy.

And if he runs out of chicken, you're screwed.

Well, what do you think of South Africa so far?

- Uh...

honestly?

- Yeah.

- Not what I thought it would be.

- How's that?

- Look out there.

We're in Africa, right?

A lot of white folks out there.

- Well...

it is South Africa.

- Okay.

But it's the continent of Africa.

Well, this is not I remember from the Tarzan movies.

What is your first name?

David?

And guys named David and Warren.

I don't think those are African names.

I was expecting, like...

[clicks tongue, whistles]

- That's--

[laughs]

- Anyway, David, what do you do for a living?

Signage?

What do you mean, signage?

You put up signs?

That's exciting, David.

Like "stop"?

"Shit, there was an accident here.

"Well, where's the fucking sign?

David!"

You're not the asshole

putting all the political signs around town, are you?

This is the guy, right here.

- Did you know that one of the biggest problems

in South Africa is the poaching of rhinos?

- Oh. Yes. I have heard this.

It is mainly for the rhino horn.

- That's right. - Yes.

- Did you know that you really

don't get in trouble here if you kill a poacher?

- Really? - Right.

- So you can kill poachers.

You can hunt them.

- That's right. - Well...

- That's what I've heard.

- Okay, but it would be weird

having a trophy on your wall of a stuffed guy named Gary.

- You know, Bubba J, Joburg is a lively city.

- Oh, yeah, unless you get shot.

- Did you know that South Africa

has the largest brewery in the world?

- [gasps]

The largest brewery?

I'm gonna write a letter.

"My dearest wife,

"for reasons you will of course understand,

I am never coming home."

So after you become a citizen of South Africa,

how long does it take for your skin to turn black?

These guys are early on too, I think.

[percussive music]

- Ukutula is a place you can see lions--

scary lions,

badass lions--

very, very close-up.

So I'm sitting amongst ten lion cubs

that are just on the verge of being unbelievably dangerous.

And I've been told not to bother them while they're eating

or they'll turn me into part of the meal.

- [snarls]

- You need to come in here.

- I'm good. - No, come on.

Trust me. It's fine.

[lion roars]

So I hand Rothpan a lion.

I literally thought the guy was gonna pass out.

I mean, he's never held anything in his hands

except maybe a sandwich,

and now he has an unhappy lion.

There you go.

Look at him trying to kiss you.

It's fantastic.

- This is very...

- Fun. - Relaxing.

- You're doing well. You're doing well.

- You're good--you're obviously good with cats.

- Thank you. - Very nice.

Here. Give me one of those.

That's good. All right.

- That was...

- [roars]

- A lot of fun.

- Yeah, okay. - Fun.

- [laughs]

I know you went on a sightseeing bus tour today.

- Yes, I did. - Mm-hmm.

- Six-hour bus ride.

- What'd you see?

- One block.

They say Joburg is known best for its cultural diversity.

No, it's not.

It's the fucking traffic.

Maybe traffic would move around better

if they put up the right signs.

- Oh, you guys have just been great.

What a crowd!

Thank you so much.

All right, let's turn up the lights real quick.

Can we do the house lights? Let's do this real quick.

Let's see what this is gonna look like.

Oh, yeah, this'll be great.

Hold on. Let me get Achmed.

Hold on a second.

Can you do it sideways? Is that good?

This way.

- You dumbass idiot, Jeff.

[camera shutter clicks]

[frenetic rock music]

♪ ♪

- Have you seen the size of the bugs in this country?

- Yeah, there's some big ones.

- There was a beetle in our hotel room,

and my wife wanted me to step on it.

- What'd you do? - Nothing.

The damn thing grabbed my wife's poodle

and flew out the window.

I love this country.

[mimicking dog whimpering]

Bye!

[cackles]

I thought the Irish could throw back a few,

but you guys are the drinking champions of the world.

I'm surprised you don't have dead sharks

with alcohol poisoning

after eating your surfers.

- Did you know that even though Australia

had a big influx of criminals,

they now have, you know, only-- I don't know--

1/5 as many murders as we do in the U.S.?

- Eh?

Does that surprise you?

- It doesn't you? - No.

You know how much practice it takes

to kill somebody with a frickin' boomerang?

It's, like 1,000 to 1.

I know. My wife tried.

That poodle flew out the window,

and it was like, "You son of a bitch!"

[mimics boomerang whooshing]

What the--what the-- [mimics boomerang whooshing]

Oh!

- [laughs]

- By the way, are we getting paid for this gig?

It's none of that Aborigine barter crap, is it?

[audience groans] What?

We're not gonna get, like, a bag full of koala poop

or something like that, are we?

Some feathers and a long-ass horn that plays one note?

Thank you for coming.

[sustained droning]

[droning]

Shut the fuck up!

- So what are the big differences you've found

between Australia and the United States?

- Well, I think, down here,

my marriage goes down the toilet in the other direction.

- So, Bubba J, you've enjoyed Australia so far?

- Well, someone told me that tomorrow

we're gonna go to Oprah's house.

- You mean the Sydney Opera House.

- Yeah, that's it. Sydney Opera House.

- It's not "Oprah." It's "opera."

- Well, like you said, they talk different here.

So what do the Austrians do for fun down here?

- [chuckles] Australians.

- Yeah, them too.

- You know, in a couple days,

we're gonna be heading to New Zealand.

- Ooh, yeah.

I have heard

that they have more sheep than humans there.

Then I guess the country slogan should be,

"New Zealand: where 'baa' means 'no.'"

- You met any bogans?

- What the hell is a bogan?

- A bogan is what they call someone

who's unsophisticated, uneducated,

or not a lot of class.

- Oh, yes, I have. - Who?

- Jeff-fa-fa!

- What have you learned about this country?

- Oh, I know the Aussies like to party.

I understand there are

pretty much no virgins left here.

Except for maybe that guy right there.

I'm just guessing.

- "Dear Achmed, my dream was to see you and Jeff.

"I've been waiting for seven long years.

"So because I've been waiting so long,

"could I please have a picture with both of you?

Thanks, Joanne."

Joanne, where are you? Right there?

- [cackles] No.

- Come on. Let's find 'em up here.

- Okay, where's your camera?

- Um, my friend has it.

- Well, that doesn't fucking help.

- Okay, well, take a picture of the screen.

- Smile; stop looking at me

and rubbing your tits on my back.

Because it's not my back.

It's his hand.

- Thank you.

- Actually, do it again. - No.

- I got your back. - All right.

- And her front. - I got it. All right.

Terribly sorry.

- Your wife is backstage. - I know.

- He took a feel with his knuckles.

- No, I didn't.

[laughs]

- Fun coming up here, isn't it?

- You can get closer.

Just stand right next to Achmed and--

- Don't rub your hooters--

Do not rub your hooters on my scapula.

I took a peek. - I know.

- I see for you. - Stop it.

Okay, there you go. Okay, ready?

We'll smile, whoever's taking the picture.

[camera shutter clicks]

[fast-paced rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

So, Walter, what do you think of Singapore so far?

- Uh, it's pretty crowded here.

- Oh, yeah. That's true.

It's actually the second

most densely populated country in the world.

- Oh.

Well, don't flatter yourself. - What?

- All these folks aren't here to see you.

There was just no room for them outside.

But we came all the way from Hollywood, California,

to be here.

And do you know where the first place

our tour guide recommended for us to visit?

Universal fricking Studios.

I was like, "We have that, you dumbass!"

- What do you like about Singapore so far?

- Well, they have some tough laws.

- Oh, you heard about that.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Did you know you can get fined or caned

for not flushing the toilet after using it?

[laughs]

- And who the hell checks up on that?

What, do you got the shit police?

It's the SSP,

the Singapore Shit Police.

I am not kidding.

How the hell do they know?

[sniffing]

"Oh, that guy."

Is it a random check,

or do they patrol the potties?

Shit duty.

"Fred, you investigating that murder today?"

"Nope.

I have a tip that we have a serial non-flusher."

- Did you know Singapore's airport

is considered to be the nicest in the world?

- Oh, really?

The nicest airport in the world.

- That's right. - Yeah.

Do they have many other things

that they say are the nicest in the world?

- Um, I'm not sure.

- So when you drive away from the Singapore airport,

it's all downhill after that?

- No.

I found out that every male in Singapore

who is over 18 has been trained on how to use a gun.

- Oh.

In other words, you better be funny, asshole.

- I heard you say earlier that in Singapore,

if you break certain laws, they beat you with a stick.

- [laughs]

- Well, maybe while we're here,

Jose can pick up a little extra work.

- So this has been a fun tour around the--

wherever--everywhere we went.

I love Singapore.

It's my favorite European city.

- Did you know they have

a save water campaign here in Singapore?

- Oh, well, I know, so today I drank 18 beers instead.

You're welcome.

- All right.

- So what's different here than where we live?

- Well, I think, religiously,

there are a lot more Buddhists here.

- Bootists? [snickers]

They all wear boots?

So what do they do?

- Well, for one, they believe in reincarnation.

- Reincarceration?

You get out, and suddenly, you're right back in.

- No, reincarnation, that you can have

entire past lives you don't even remember.

- [chortles] That happened to me yesterday.

What's your name?

What? - [speaks indistinctly]

- [mumbles]

I'm sorry. Say it again slower and louder.

- Reniel.

- [mumbles]

I think I broke my tongue.

Is there an American version of that name,

like Ralph?

Let me try it one more time. Say it again.

You watch closely, 'cause it's not me fucking up.

Okay, say it again.

- Reniel.

- Reniel.

Reniel.

Oh, so sorry.

So, Reniel...

[laughter] Shut up.

- [laughs]

- What's your job?

- Telecom.

- Telecom? - Yeah.

- Oh, you're the guy.

"Can I help you with your problem?"

So... [mumbles name]

what do you do--

- [laughs]

- Going downhill, isn't it?

- Yeah.

- So you're on the phone going,

"What's wrong with your phone?

I can fuck you up even more."

"Don't tell anyone I'm trying to get porn.

Can you help me?"

[mimics cane smacking, screams]

"Never mind."

I just got caned. - I know.

- You need to make a new Singapore dummy.

- Mm. What is it?

- I want it to be the caning Singapore dummy.

So that way, when you say stupid stuff, it goes...

[mimics cane smacking] across your legs.

And you go... [screams]

And then when you fall down, Rindell goes,

"Hello, can I help you?"

[cheers and applause]

[bright music]

- You know, Singapore is one of the only countries around here

that recognizes Israel.

- What the hell does that mean?

How could you not recognize it?

It's like, "Hey, what's the country

with all the Jews over there?"

"I have no idea. I don't recognize it."

Other countries see Israel at a party;

they're like, "No, I don't think we've met."

And where is Bubba J's friend... [mumbles name]?

Can you help me call, [mumbles name]?

[cheers and applause]

[boisterous music]

♪ ♪

- We had a great show in Singapore, we're packing up,

and Marnell, my tour manager, comes in

to deliver some news.

And he's sweating.

Hey, what's up?

- Hey. - Come in.

- I got some, uh-- some information on Malaysia.

They're reviewing-- there's several options.

And option A is not gonna be--

- Option A meaning I can't use Achmed.

- It hasn't been defined by the cultural--what is it?

The "cultural sensitivity."

- Hold it.

You're saying that these guys-- Who are these guys?

- It's actually one of their religious leaders

that they had to--

they had to fly to another city to meet with him.

- I'm telling you, I am the lamb going to slaughter.

Because they'll start booing,

and they're not gonna be booing me;

they're gonna be booing the fact that this is happening.

- They're probably aware a lot of this stuff.

They're probably-- - No, they're not.

- They're probably used to living with--

- We are promoting the show with Achmed on the poster.

It's gonna be a challenge, because obviously I have to...

leave out any references

to anything even remotely relating to religion.

I can't even say the word "virgin."

I can't even say the name Achmed.

I mean, I could. Of course I could.

But I'm--I want to go home.

I don't want to stay here and get caned.

- Well, the main concern for the Malaysian government

is that an artist is suitable for the Malaysian culture.

Achmed is a little bit sensitive to the Malaysian public.

We need to be careful what we put onstage.

The final ruling is that Achmed the Dead Terrorist

is not allowed onstage.

- Have you learned anything constructive

about Malaysia since we've been here?

- I did learn, on the radio,

you cannot talk about politics, religion, or sex.

- That's right.

- Well, there goes most of our show.

- Did you know that Malaysia has been independent now

for 47 years?

- [gasps]

Fascinating.

And a coincidence. - What's that?

- I lost my independency when I got married 47 years ago.

And guess what.

We don't talk about politics,

I lost my religion, and there is no sex.

[cheers and applause]

- So I'm in the middle of my show,

and I look towards the sides of the room,

and there's military guys with rifles.

And they don't look happy.

Please don't get me into trouble.

- [cackles]

I don't care.

Keep looking around.

You're surrounded.

- Please let me change the subject.

- [quietly] Okay.

- I like being here. - Okay.

That's good, 'cause you might be here a long time now.

- What is your first name?

- Sean. - Sean?

Is that with the E-A-N or the H?

- E-A-N. - Oh, E-A-N.

So it's actually "seen."

- No.

- Is this your wife, your girlfriend,

or another investment chick?

Who is this?

- It's my mom.

- What? - My mom.

- Oh, your mom.

Holy shit.

Chick-a, chick-a, bow, bow.

So, Sean, where's your girlfriend?

- She's at home.

- At home?

What the hell, dude?

Is it 'cause your mom paid for the ticket?

Why'd you bring your mom and not your sister--

uh, your girlf--

What the fuck?

Hey, maybe it's the same thing.

You can be honest.

Your girlfriend just doesn't care about us?

Is that it?

- Final exams.

- Oh, she's in the middle of final exams?

And you just don't care?

Gonna tell your professor,

"But, sir, I was at a puppet show..."

"with my mom."

So, Sean, what is your girlfriend studying?

- Management.

- Management?

Well, you better look out.

You're gonna get the finance thing;

she's just gonna fucking tell you what to do.

- After we booked this show,

we were contacted

by the Malaysian Ministry of Arts and History...

[scattered booing]

and Culture.

And they asked me very nicely

and sternly

to not bring a certain character to the show tonight.

[crowd booing]

They even said,

"Please do not even mention his name."

But I know that you people are here

because you've seen stuff on YouTube,

and you're expecting to see a certain someone.

However, I want to respect the requests

'cause I am a guest here.

But at the same time, you paid your money

to see what you thought you were gonna see.

That certain person is not here.

However, his brother...

is here.

He is from France.

Please help me welcome Jacques the French Terrorist.

[cheers and applause]

- [throaty chortle]

Bonjour, American pig!

- So you are French. - Oui, oui!

C'est Français.

- Uh-huh. And your name is Jacques.

- Oui. Je m'appelle Jacques.

- And what is your last name?

- Merde.

[laughter]

What are they laughing at?

My name is Jacques Merde!

I do not understand what they are laughing at.

- I think Merde is translated into...

- I am Jack Shit?

- Well, despite your name, you seem like a nice guy.

- You don't know Jack Shit!

Wait.

That is not funny!

- They're laughing.

- I...kill you!

[throaty chortle]

- So you're happy to be here. - No!

- Why is that?

- Where are we exactly?

- [scoffs]

- Do not spit on my face, you ugly American!

Where are we exactly?

- Kuala Lumpur.

- Oh, oui, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

The weather here is bullshit!

Where I am from, the weather is hot.

Morning is hot!

Afternoon and evening is hot!

- I don't think the weather in France is always hot.

- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Do not question Jacques.

It's not always hot in France?

- No. - Fuck.

Okay.

Let's just say, for the sake of the joke,

Francé is always hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

Like a desert hot.

Yes, you've been there before.

Yes, there are pyramids, sand.

Silence!

Je te tue!

- What was that? - I know French.

- So explain what you do for a living.

- I am a Français terroriste.

- A French terrorist.

- Oui, oui!

- So you strongly agree.

- No, I have to go wee-wee!

It's not funny!

Silence!

Je te tue!

- I thought French was known as the language of love.

- Oui, oui.

I love to blow up shit.

Let me get something straight.

You're the brother of the other guy

who was supposed to be here.

- [shushing]

Do not say his name or we are both in giant trouble.

Those guys are here.

- [laughs]

"Dear Achmed, what is your favorite Malaysian food?"

[audience groaning]

- It has been nice knowing you.

Kumbaya

- "Dear terrorist"--

- That's not what you said the first time.

When the show is done, run.

- Someone named Spring, "Dear terrorist,

if you were given the chance again to be human, would you?"

- [gasps]

I am not human?

- Not anymore.

- No?

- Do you know what that makes you?

- A politician?

But the Ministry is a lovely group of people.

- You guys have been just awesome!

Thanks, K.L.

We'll see you. Good night!

[cheers and applause]

[hard rock music]

♪ ♪

So we've been all over the globe,

and I wanted to end this special

in the place that's most important to me.

How could we not? It's not a fancy stage.

In fact, a lot of the audience is sitting in the mud.

It's been raining. They're sitting in the grass.

But here we are in the land of the free

and the home of the brave.

Here we are at Joint Base Pearl Harbor-Hickam.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

Here's a toast to Ireland,

our trip here, our friends, our lost luggage,

and the same underwear three days in a row.

[glasses clinking]

- Cheers. - All right.

- Welcome to the devil's area.

- The devil's area. - The devil's area.

- Why do we call it the devil's area?

- Devil's here because they are babies

that are starting to teethe.

They're between three to five months old.

So everything they get,

they like to chew on a little bit.

But I will try to make sure you come back in one piece.

[cubs snarling]

- This is fanta-- Ow!

- Oh, my gosh, you're being mauled.

- I'll be there. Maybe it will help.

- Hello, we're on the Mount of Olives

in Jerusalem, and these guys cornered me

'cause I did something wrong.

- Something like that. - Something like that.

So, Neil, when you come to buy things here,

nothing's really full price, right?

You're supposed to haggle a little bit?

- Well, you should.

- [speaking indistinctly] - We'll try again.

- Cut.

- So on the customs form, like, where it says,

"Have you been to a farm in the last 14 days"--

- Oh, no, no, don't put that you went to a farm.

No, no, I don't care if we've been milking cows

and shoveling poop

and Old McDonald shows us the back 40.

You don't put that we've been to a farm.

- Really? - No, they will detain your ass.

- For a farm?

- For going to-- Yeah, for going to a farm.

- What's the big deal? - This is not the marines.

If you get detained, you're left behind.

[slow rock music]

♪ ♪

The Description of Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map