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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Philophobia: or the Fear of Falling in Love

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[soft country music]

[Danielle giggling]

Oh, you know what? I actually have to go

'cause my friend Tammy's going to be really mad.

But, you have my number.

-[Damien] Yeah, it's Da... -Danielle.

[Damien] Danielle, right. Yeah, maybe next time, you can buy the drinks.

Oh, we'll see.

-It was good to meet you. -[Damien] Yeah, you too.

Who the hell was that? And when did you start talking?

'Cause I was sitting right next to you and then, pfft, you were gone.

-I'm sneaky. -[Tammy] You all were engaged, honey,

just jabbering on and on,

couldn't get a word in edgewise.

-You? Never. -He seemed nice. Well, charming.

But then again, charming can be deceiving

so, but maybe you know better,

'cause you were so engaged with him.

Was he? You all going to date?

[scoffing] I don't know. I don't know,

he just seemed like a typical LA guy, you know?

And besides, I don't know if I'm ready for anything

at the moment.

[Tammy] Yeah, I feel you on that.

I mean, you did just get out of something.

Although, that was like six months ago, so.

-Oh, you're counting? -I mean, now that I say it out

loud, maybe it's time you get out there and explore?

-[scoffing] Okay. -But then, again, I mean,

being on your own can just be so liberating.

-Yes, it can be. -You know, ya feel me?

I do feel you.

So we're splitting this Uber?

Oh, no, actually, I'm staying at my friend

Julia's around the corner, 'cause Ubers add up.

Oh, yeah. You did say that, okay, well, good to see you, great to see you.

Ooh, it was so good seeing you.

[Tammy] See you soon.

Yes, I had so much fun.

I did, too. Get home safe.

Text me when you get home.

[Tammy] I will.

Get kicks when we take part

We go outside of the desert

[dramatic music]

[chuckling]

[dramatic music]

[Damien] Whoa!

-[Danielle] God. -[Damien] Dani, Danielle,

you forgot your purse.

Oh my God, I am so sorry.

[Damien] Yeah.

Thank you.

[Damien] Yeah, you punched me in the fucking heart. [wheezing]

[sighing]

[dramatic music]

[electricity flickering]

[dramatic music]

Really good on all levels, actually...

[dramatic music]

You know?

Mm-hmm.

Like, the first time we had real talk we quickly communicated...

-and it was amazing! -Oh yeah, I'm so sorry

about New Year's that was so annoying.

-No, no, no, it's okay. -Yeah, but it was annoying.

Stop, I just said we killed it communicating.

All right.

And clearly we can be dorks

around each other, so.

[laughing] Ew.

[Damien] I don't know what you're talking about.

[sighing]

Plus we have this thing where it's like you can instantly

-tell when I'm feeling off. -Tell when you're off.

-Stop. -Stop.

-Stop it, you dork! -Stop it, you dork, ooh!

God, you know what? Just forget it.

Forget it, forget it.

I'm kidding.

But see?

Well, to be fair the only reason why I could do that

was because you brought that up a couple times.

-[groaning] That's so gross. -No, it's not gross.

-I know it is. You hate it. -No, it's not.

I don't hate it, it's sweet.

[Danielle] Mm-hmm.

It's sweet.

Okay, well, in that case.

Ruhro.

No, no ruhros.

My mom's coming into town this weekend

and I told her about that breakfast place around the corner.

Breakfast nook, what do... what is a nook?

They were always using that, what is that?

So, we're going to, we're going to that place

at like 10 on Sunday morning...

[Damien] Mm.

...for breakfast.

And I figured since

it's right there

that maybe you could come meet us?

Umm...

Nope, see?

You were right not to use it.

'Cause it just seems like an adjacent small room

from a larger room.

Damien, can you meet up with us?

Umm...

I got to take Alan to the airport.

Okay, well, you said his flight was at nine,

so you have to drop him off by eight at least, so--

Wow, we got an elephant over here.

So.

Memory-wise, obviously.

Damien.

Memory-wise.

Oh my, come on!

[exhaling]

Can you see how I feel

that morning?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to

-push it. -No, no, no.

I just wanted the two people I love to meet.

You know?

I love you.

Cough, cough.

[sighing]

Fuck.

Look Damien, I didn't expect this, and at this point

I really feel like something needs to be done

because I am starting to feel nice,

I get excited to see you, and--

And I get that little jolt in my stomach

whenever you text me.

And it feels like high school again.

And I wasn't expecting to feel like high school again.

How long have we been dating?

-Seven months. -Three months.

[dramatic music]

-Seven months. -Seven months, great.

Put your fucking hand down.

Look, you're-- you're great,

and we are great.

Like the fucking connection, the fucking communication,

the fucking, it's all great.

Nothing?

Okay.

[sighing] Wait.

Dani, come on. Please, wait.

Just forget it, I deserve better!

I deserve somebody who wants me as much as I want them,

and you can't even kiss me in public!

And you know what? It does not have to be some whole big thing,

it is just a brunch.

And you know what? I don't even have to introduce you as my boyfriend, okay,

because God forbid, right?

So.

Oh, my God.

I'm done.

I am... done with not knowing where I stand with you.

So, you know what?

Here's your stupid fucking spare key.

Goddammit.

-Please don't. Please. -Just forget it!

Just forget it.

Actually,

you should hear it, and you should let it sink in.

I am not a coward, and I'm not too much of a child

to deal with my own emotions.

So at least I'm owning it.

I love you, Damien.

I love you and I feel like such an idiot.

So you know what? I just hope you know this is the last memory

that you have of me, goodbye.

[dramatic music]

[electricity flickering]

[dramatic music]

Danielle?

[coughing]

[dramatic music]

[hacking]

[cell phone dialing]

Travis?

Hey, hey, you okay?

[Travis] Drank a lot,

no, I just want my bed.

[Damien] Okay.

I was about to call the police.

All right, Johnny, I got it, I got it.

I was about to fucking call the police on you.

[Damien] All right, all right, get some rest.

-Can we please go? -Fashion police.

-No argyle after Labor Day. -Okay, okay.

[dramatic music]

[text sent notifying]

[dramatic music]

[text received notifying]

[driver] You been together for a little bit?

Try two years, happily married.

[chuckling] Yeah, is that surprising?

[driver] It just seems like you guys, you start now.

Near the beginning, the honeymoon phase.

Yeah, you know what? That's because he actually told me about his obsession

with human flesh on our one year anniversary.

So you know at that point I was kind of had to accept it, unfortunately.

Yeah, I just can't get enough of it, driver.

Stop, stop.

-I hate you. -I know.

Oh, yeah, it's just right up here.

[Driver] Great.

It's nice to see two married people in LA that still look happy.

[doorbell ringing]

[dramatic music]

-Hey, what's up? -Hey.

I made it.

Jesus, did you get any sleep at all?

Ah, welcome to Hollywood.

Thanks, buddy.

Sorry I didn't pick you up.

Oh, that's okay.

Yeah, how was the Uber?

Oh, really good actually,

real friendly guy, who talk about

chandeliers, turn out he--

Dani broke up with me.

Yeah, then she just stormed out.

Wow, well, it's strange.

Yeah, it's so strange, so strange, right?

I was going to say it's strange because--

Yeah, it's strange, like what is this, an ultimatum?

So strange, you're not alone with the thinking that it's strange.

No, what I was going to say is that in the entire time

you've been out here I don't think

you've dated anyone for more than two months, so.

Now that's true.

Yeah, I just figured you were like making up

for lost time, or something.

Are you going to eat?

Oh no, I'm not hungry.

[dramatic music]

So, what do you want to do?

I figured we'd hit some of the Hollywood staples,

you know, Grauman's Chinese Theatre, Santa Monica Pier.

-Yeah, we can do that. -Staples Center.

Maybe tonight we just stay in and chill,

watch a movie or something?

Yeah, sure, yeah, you must be going through some stuff.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm, no, it's just,

maybe we could catch up, you know, I'm fine.

Oh

He's just a fool

[dramatic music]

[Alan] All right, shall we go out?

[Damien] Yeah, we could, we could.

I'm a little terrified to drink right now, but yeah.

Okay.

Or we can just get dinner.

Maybe we can watch another movie?

Sure.

[man] You're screwing Willy Walden, aren't you?

-[laughing] -Aren't you?

That's just like how our breakup is.

Yeah.

[man] And I'm moving out of here!

[laughing]

[soft music]

See, that's it.

You know? Like--

Naked and at his most vulnerable.

Yet, she accepts him.

Yeah, that's what we want right there.

I mean, Sara was cheating on him before,

so it's like different circumstances, but.

Yeah, right, exactly.

I guess I know what you mean.

You get it, you get it.

Queen that you are

All right, well what do you want to do now?

I don't know, man, I'm kind of wiped.

I think I'm going to hit the hay.

Okay.

But, I really want to see

some stuff tomorrow, please.

Sure, sure. Um...

Oh, if you wake up before me I have a--

Sure and then

Tonight I have

I have a spare key,

there's a coffee shop

two blocks from here.

What are you doing?

I have a spare bedroom just

down the hall here.

[dramatic music]

I feel good, man, I feel optimistic.

Great, man.

Yeah.

Hope you get some rest.

You too.

Cool, good night.

Good night.

[dramatic music]

[electricity flickering]

[tapping]

[electricity flickering]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[soft music]

I just figured 'cause there's-- there's no bouncer.

[bar chatter in the background]

Nope, nope.

What can I get for you?

I think I'm going to try one of those amber ales,

the Famous Amber Ale you got over there.

Papa was a wrong of mine until I stand alone

[whistling]

-Ooh. -That'll be seven, please.

Okay, great.

-You can keep it open. -What?

I just said you can go ahead and keep that open.

Hey, you should go ahead and drink up

because there's a painting in the bathroom

with boobies on it.

Oh, all right.

[dramatic music]

Dah!

Tonight you rocked me

This amber ale's amazing.

[people chatting]

Tonight you rocked me Out of my mind

Girl, you know it

Tonight you rocked me Out of my mind, girl

Tonight you rocked me Out of my mind

[sighing]

[man] So, this is like a school night or something?

[woman] Why do you continue to talk?

[people chatting]

Yeah, we got some And we can sing

[dramatic music]

And I've got music Exploding in me

This man tells me to Bring some music

[dramatic music]

[Jeff] I wasn't shooting myself because of you.

What?

[Jeff] The pantomime, I wasn't

shooting myself in the head

because you looked up at me.

I was pretending to be you while

that other guy was talking to you.

[Carol] Ah.

So, you live around here?

I'm not going to tell you where I live.

[Jeff] Let me rephrase,

do you frequent this establishment?

[Carol] Sure.

[Jeff] So?

Carol.

Carol, I'm Jeff.

So what's the deal with all the--

Can I get a whiskey over here?

What is up, dame?

Wait, what did you just call me?

Da man.

Oh, okay, for a second there I thought

you actually said my actual name,

like you memorized the license or something.

[chuckling]

Da man yeah, da man, yeah, that's funny.

Actually, I thought you were a girl when

you're asking for a drink so I said, dame,

if I'm being honest.

Oh, okay, I think I liked the other version better,

but nonetheless, what's your name?

The.

I'm sorry, The, The, what's the last name?

Bartender.

Oh, all right.

Well, I guess there's not a lot of wiggle room

in career paths, huh?

Damien.

What can I get you?

I'm going to have a whiskey, hold the rocks,

double style.

So, double whiskey neat.

-Yes. -Okay.

Come home and meet you

Speak to me in my-- ♪

Thank you, the tab's Booster.

[chuckling]

Yeah, it don't mean It's time

Are you okay?

-Yeah, sorry. -Here.

No, no, you're fine.

Well, well, Prince Charming, eh?

[both laughing]

-Aw. -I want one.

[dramatic music]

[girls laughing]

[Damien] You guys need to be quiet 'cause my guest is sleeping.

Oh, we'll be quiet.

[electricity flickering]

This place is nice.

Yeah, it's all right.

No, I like it! Right, Becca?

Yeah, I mean, it's really...

Fuck!

This whiskey is amazing.

It's so smooth.

[Damien] I mean, it's all right, I guess.

It so smooth, right, Becca?

I mean, I haven't tried it.

It's so smooth.

None of that dragon throat

shit for us, guy.

-[laughing] -Dragon what now?

Fuck yeah, this guy.

Not for this guy, I mean.

Woo!

[laughing]

-What the fuck bullshit are you saying? -I'm not.

You know, you really chased us, didn't you?

Chased is a bit--

Yeah, you stalked us up.

I mean the shoe fell off.

I'm fucking with you dude, we like you.

Right, Becca?

Yeah, I mean--

I mean, we were like flirting

from a distance

for like awhile.

Right, well, that's what I was saying.

Right, that's what I was saying.

[laughing]

Man, you are, you're funny, you know that?

-I mean... -You are.

You know that, right?

Do you want a bump?

No, I'm okay.

Oh God, look at this place,

it's so swanky.

For a two bedroom, Jesus.

[Damien] I mean, it's an apartment.

You know, you like saying that a lot.

-[Damien] What? -I mean.

-[Damien] I do? -Yeah, are you?

-Am I? -Mean.

-Wait, what? -It's not a hard question.

[chuckling]

Oh, oh God, oh, oh, oh God,

do you have a bathroom?

Yeah, right down the hallway to the right.

-[Nancy] Can I use it? -Yep.

Yep. [laughing]

Gotcha!

You are so gullible.

Oh, God.

Man, I love this hallway.

It's so smooth!

Hey.

Hello.

[soft music]

Your place is nice.

I mean, maybe not as smooth as she says it is, but...

Yeah, like I said, it's an apartment.

[chuckling]

That bar is cool, first time I'd been.

This is a fine place

Yeah, at that bar?

You know I came up with the shoe idea,

shoe doesn't just fall off.

I was just thinking out loud

Figured.

Yeah, Prince Charming,

you know I always loved that movie.

And I mean, you did pick up my shoe, so.

Then it works.

You know, she's crazy.

She's out for the fun of it all.

[Damien] It seems that way.

But I was the one who saw you and pointed you out.

I thought you were so charismatic and confident.

Told her, let's take him back to our place

and let him line us up naked.

[Damien choking]

What's this shit

you're listening to?

Oh no, no, no.

15 holes and a 12 pack

Actually, Becca.

Come here. Come here!

[banging]

At the same time services Start for the third time

While I was grasping

Don't come this is What you need

Don't come again

For the best I'll give you the rest

You can dream

I like the brink Stay out the link

Still, junior's got Nothing on me

And I'm hauling docks

The old man's going to help me out

And I'm born again

Got to a cooler in the back

[knocking]

[dramatic music]

This is John Day and I've got nine lives

And I'm ripping ripping And hitting long drives

[dramatic music]

I was a cracker Back in the day

[knocking]

Played so many ways

I played 36 up to New York

Backed up to me and The great white shark

Been playing for money Since I was three

I'm entitled to play

[slamming]

Golf Channel's on

Feherty's talking about Steve Daly, Dustin Johnson

[girls laughing]

All right, you ready, charming prince?

Were you guys both in the bathroom?

Did you miss us?

[laughing]

[banging]

What the fuck was that?

It was the neighbor, were you guys both in the bathroom?

Fuck off, dude, we're trying to have a threesome here!

[laughing]

[Nancy] You coming, Nancy boy?

[Becca] Come on.

[Nancy] Nancy boy.

Oh shit, that's my name.

What the fuck?

I never thought of that.

[laughing]

Come on.

Can't name the president of Xanax, Codeine

Effexor, and Vicodin, Lexapro

Come on!

[Becca] Join in.

The crazy ones are Investing in

I'm going to sit down for a minute.

[dramatic music]

[sighing]

[text sent notifying]

Well, well, well, you realize winter isn't over, right?

[both laughing]

I'm surprised you're not still hibernating.

All right, it's good to see you, man.

Good to see you, player.

Now, this place isn't the swankiest but,

the girls here are fire.

After you, bud.

Oh my gosh, you were so right, going out tonight was going to be a total crap shoot.

-A shit show. -Staying in was weird,

not going to lie, but I loved it.

It was quaint, and desolate.

-But we're going out next year. -All right.

But you know pizza, ice cream,

and champagne with my girl

was just so, you know, mm, it was just so...

Perfect.

Deca-- ooh, whoa.

Have you seen Jennifer's IG?

-No, why? -She's like sucking face with

twins, twins, Dani.

-They're like models. -Oh, my God, he's cute.

-That's gross. -They're cute.

But also kind of hot.

I don't know, like why would

a brother and a brother, like...

[both laughing]

-Seriously! -Oh, my God!

Tammy, I love you.

OMG, I love you.

-Happy New Year's. -Happy New Year, babe.

This is our year, I feel it in my bones.

Not mine, 'cause I'm chunking up that

white chocolate chunk on-dairy and gluten-free carbs

in your bushes.

-Oh? -Yeah.

It's that kind of year? Okay.

Yeah, it is that kind of year.

[chuckling]

Are you okay?

Oh my gosh okay, go, go, go, go, go, get home safe.

[Tammy] I'll text you when I get home.

[sighing]

[dramatic music]

Becca, Becca, Becca, Becca, Becca, Becca!

Oh, thank God.

[chuckling]

Oh, shit.

Little adorable Becca.

Little Becca.

Oh, fuck.

[knocking on door]

Fuck.

[Becca] This is my best friend.

[dramatic music]

Hi, I'm Jennifer.

Oh, fuck!

[doorbell ringing]

[knocking on door]

[Greg] Damien.

Hey, Damien.

Hey, man, Bob's pretty pissed.

Aw, man, aw, what time is it?

I heard you scream.

Yeah, that was the knock, it startled me a little bit.

Yeah, it was before I knocked.

Was it?

Yeah.

Yeah, oh, I stubbed my toe.

Were you sleep walking?

No, my buddy, he's crashing here, and he got up

without his glasses, he was all disoriented

going to the bathroom, so.

So your buddy stubbed his toe then?

Yeah.

No, no, sorry, he got up without glasses, disoriented,

going to the bathroom and then I walked in a big hole.

It's none of my business, all right?

-Whole thing. -I just--

Bob's pretty pissed about the noise, okay?

Well, Bob can suck a dick.

Come on, just be mindful.

Mindful?

[scoffing]

-Yes. -I don't want my buddy's

one and only trip to Hollywood

to be fucking ruined because Bob is being a baby.

You know what's weird, Greg?

Is I have met every single person in this complex,

I have yet to see my neighbor, Bob.

What is that all about?

-Who the hell is Bob? -Bob's your neighbor,

I don't know what else to say.

Oh right, well, I think you're missing my point, but...

I just want you to keep it down

so Bob doesn't call the cops, and I don't have to come

bang on your door at three in the morning, okay?

Okay.

-That's fair, right? -Yeah, yeah.

[man] Bullshit!

[Damien] Oh, man.

-[Greg] Hey, listen, man. -It's late, so we were just--

It's none of my business or anything, but I kind

of heard and saw Dani like storm off last night.

What?

Yeah, and I want you to know

I'm sorry, all right?

I'm your friend if you need anyone to talk to.

I don't want to see you drowning your sorrows

in meaningless hookups, or whatever you're doing in there.

No, no, I'm-- no.

Yes, okay.

Before you start talking with this next time

you can talk to me with this.

Thanks, Greg, appreciate it, I'm okay, I'm good.

-Okay, I'm here, I'm your friend. -I'm going to get some rest.

Thank you, thank you, appreciate that.

-Goodnight. -I'm going to go right

to bed, you should too.

[dramatic music]

[groaning]

[knocking on window]

-Hey. -Hey, Damien?

Yeah, yeah, I mean yeah, I called you.

I found this girl on the sidewalk passed out

and I've been drinking.

So, I was thinking I would give you 40 bucks

and she has her keys and you just put her in her room.

[scoffing]

What are we supposed to do you know,

like leave her on the sidewalk?

No, I don't--

Come on.

No.

-[sighing] All right. -[Damien] All right. Okay.

Okay, you have my info, right?

Text me when it's all done.

Watch out, that's, random girl.

There you go.

Okay, awesome.

You know, we're doing a good thing here, right?

Okay.

And will I love

Again

[dramatic music]

[knocking on door]

[Alan] Morning buddy, slept like a rock. I'm going

to get us some coffees and we'll see some Hollywood bullshit?

Cool.

Yes!

Cut your losses and Give up the ghost

I'll take the city You keep the coast

And in the end I'll satisfy

Without all that I left Between the lines

In the end

You won't need me anymore

In the end

You won't need me anymore

Like, posting left and right.

I really wouldn't read into that.

[sighing] She's all happy out and about doing things.

Dude, you of all people should know that what you post online isn't always what reality is.

You of all people should know what you post online isn't--

Buddy, you are number 58

on the podcast charts, that's awesome.

Maybe you should go to brunch, just show up,

show that you care, all will be fine.

[yelling]

[upbeat music]

Ever feel like you're like...

just going to wake up one day alone, old, thinking like...

I was just at prom with Carol.

No, because Carol and I didn't go to the prom.

I think there's something seriously wrong with me.

Like, I'm seeing things,

or maybe they're real, I don't know, I don't know, I just--

I feel like my past is going to catch up to me

and it's going to kill me, literally.

Like I'm going to wake up a corpse.

Wake up a corpse?

Buddy, those things cancel each other out.

You of all people should resonate with that.

Well, how is that?

Living in Otero County.

Buddy, I like Otero County.

That's it.

[Alan] What's it?

I'm going to record you on the podcast.

No, I don't think that's a good idea.

Yes, yes, it's a great idea, buddy.

I was a student I was strange, I'd be inside

Yeah!

All right.

We're all set up here.

-Don't be nervous. -No, no, just a little

strange being here.

Yeah, you'll be fine, you've

listened to my show before?

Of course, yeah.

Just be real, you know?

-Authentic. -All right, I get that,

-I just-- -That's all.

Okay.

[upbeat music]

Thank you for tuning in, we are Reality TV,

I am your hose Damien Booster,

we are reality talking voices,

real people, real thoughts, no bullshit.

Today we have a special guest all the way from

my hometown, Otero County, New Mexico.

He happens to be the manager

of The Heart of the Desert Pistachio Ranch.

-What's that all about? -Well, we have a selection of

all-natural, homegrown pistachios

and fine wines, we also

-have award winning cheeses. -[groaning]

Did we stop? What, what happened?

Did I do something wrong?

No, no, no, you're good, it's just...

It's not like raw or gritty, so I'm just.

Okay I got it, what is the craziest customer

you've ever dealt with at the ranch?

Okay, yeah, this one guy, he got really drunk,

he had a whole bottle of wine on the patio,

and then he started drunkenly tossing the pistachio shells

on the counter by the cash register.

And Natalie's like whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the shit is that?

No good?

A guy starts throwing pistachio

shells on the counter, that's terrible.

Well you didn't let me finish.

It became this whole scene,

-the place was packed. -No,

-that's awful. -A fight it's broke out.

That's awful, but...

[humming]

What's the craziest thing you

and your lady do in the bedroom?

[scoffing]

I'm not answering that.

Why?

Are you afraid of getting real?

No, I'm not, I just--

Gah, come on dude, we had something good going there.

-I don't love that. -Why?

Because it's way too personal.

But that's what this show is,

it's all about being personal.

Yes, and I get that, I love that,

we listen to you all the time.

-I appreciate that. -But that means

she listens to it too, capisci?

I appreciate that, I just, you know,

it's all about being real, raw, no bullshit.

I don't want to talk about my sex life on here.

Oh, okay, well, shoot, I'm sorry, man,

is everything okay there?

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, it's me, seriously.

I don't know, it's just sometimes I feel like

we're hitting a rough patch.

Oh, man, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I don't know, it's ever since she got promoted.

We've both been so busy that things have kind of

slowed down in certain areas.

Okay, hmm.

All right so, do you think like, would you say

that you resent Natalie's promotion?

Okay, I wouldn't say I resent that.

You just hit record, didn't you?

You pointed at me.

-No, no. -Okay, but every time you done

that little half point you've hit record.

No, no, I was like hey, tell me what's up man,

like no bullshit.

You know like, without

hitting record.

-Well, don't. -You are, dude!

Oh, man!

-What the F? -We had something going there.

Okay, but I don't want to talk about that, just stop.

[sighing] Why?

Because I don't want to, it's just--

Okay, okay, I'm not mad, okay, first show jitters,

it's fine, we'll just talk about something else.

Yeah, anything else, anything else besides my sex life.

Cool, cool. Oh, okay.

So how's the relationship these days, is a--

do you have any resentments that could bleed elsewhere?

Actually everything's great, I've never been happier.

Really?

Yeah, that's kind of the reason

for this whole trip.

What do you mean?

It's my last hurrah.

[chuckling]

How's that?

I'm going to ask her to marry me.

Oh shit, dude, you can't air that either, fuck.

Wait, are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious, I've been together with her

for a long time, I mean, I love her, it's the next step.

Wow, but,

you were the king of Alamo, I mean you're varsity soccer.

Dude, it's Alamo, you can only be the king

for like three years, and then you get a reputation.

And not a good one at that.

I just...

[dramatic music]

I didn't know.

You were the last...

The last what?

The Last of the Mohicans?

[scoffing]

Forget it.

-You want to go out? -You're not going

to air this, promise me.

No, I'm not going to air this, okay?

Do you want to go out tonight?

Yes, I want to go out,

but I thought you're not drinking.

Well, I mean I might take a backseat to that,

but doesn't mean you have to, you know?

Celebratory.

Um, all right, I'll just get cleaned up, cool?

Cool with me.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

I'm late.

[screaming]

[yelling]

You okay?

-[Damien] What? -Are you okay?

What, why?

Dude, were you electrocuted?

-What? -You just came out of

the bathroom freaked,

I thought you were electrocuted.

-Was it a spider? -Huh? No, what?

Then why'd you scream then?

Why did you scream then?

I... ran out of deodorant.

Well, that's an odd reaction.

Dude, you can just bum some off of me.

No, no, no, it's okay.

I have some in the closet, I have some in the closet,

thank you though.

You ready?

I kind of want to wash up too.

And besides, it's not even dark out yet.

Dammit.

Believe it or not, it's hot dogs and pizza.

You sure you're not hungry? Because I've been stuffing my face all night, I haven't

-seen you eat anything. -Nah, I'm good,

why don't you grab a table and I'll get the first round?

Okay.

Hey, you!

Hey, Dayman.

Somebody's been serving underage girls here

and I don't think that's a good, do you, The?

-Well, do you The? -I don't know what you're

talking about, I don't serve underage girls.

Hold your breath 'til You see me again

[dramatic music]

How you doing there?

What can I get ya, pal?

I was just talking to The.

The?

The Bartender.

[scoffing]

I am the bartender, yeah,

they call me The Captain.

What'll it be?

And I stay out of The drama but... ♪

Okay, I'll have a water and a pinot.

Water and a pinot coming right up.

And it takes a good woman

[dramatic music]

Here you go.

Cool, thanks.

Yeah, keep it open, please.

Thanks, mate.

And I don't want you To be calling 5-0-1

Excuse me.

Is there a problem?

Somebody's been serving...

Under age?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

That's Tasha, the waitress.

Yeah, manager's on her ass about it though,

so something will be cracking pretty soon.

Thanks for looking out though, champ.

You need anything else, let me know.

[dramatic music]

[people chatting]

Thank you.

You okay?

Yeah, it's just the same shit.

Yeah... You seem a little jumpy.

Get yours

Yeah, I mean, have you noticed anything weird

about my apartment?

There was some strange noises,

the light was flickering.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh my God, this pinot is interesting.

The pinot on my ranch has this rich underbelly.

-It's so good. -That's what I'm saying.

-Oh shit. -[Alan] What?

-It's them. -Them, who?

My neighbors.

[Alan] Oh, sweet.

No, it will be very unsweet.

Hey!

-Hey. -This is the guys.

-[Greg] Oh, hoo hoo hoo. -[Travis] Scoot over guy. Hey.

I realize that I shouldn't come out now.

[laughing]

-Hilarious. -How'd you get this guy to come out?

Jenny Swanson.

-Jenny Swanson? -She's the girl at my office

that's like banged all the guys in my office.

-And that's why Greg came out? -The fuck are you talking about?

-No, I like this girl at my gym. -How would Greg know Jenny Swanson?

-Wake up, Damien. -I don't know, you just,

you started talking about Jenny Swanson, so I was just like--

There's a girl at my gym that I like.

He likes this girl at the gym that

has banged all the other guys but won't give him

-the time of day. -We all know that for a fact.

Okay, so how does that correlate to Jenny Swanson?

Jenny-- [sighing]

Jenny Swanson is the all subtending girl

that excludes you from a shot at the opposite genes pool.

Okay?

Keep up, fella.

You literally walked into the middle of the conversation

just talking about Jenny Swanson, so I have

-no reference of any-- -[Greg] Just do your best to keep up.

[chuckling]

Why do you do that? You have this weird,

goofy, deer doe-eyed look.

Go get us some whiskeys, dude.

Four whiskeys, I'll get the first round.

God.

[chuckling]

I'm sorry, are you lost, are you looking for the party?

No, I'm Damien's friend, I'm Alan.

This is my best friend from high school man, it's Alan.

Oh, Travis.

Yeah, what's up?

We actually hated each other first

but our girlfriends

were best friends.

This is true.

Forcing us to hang out

-and get to like each other. -That's right.

Yeah, but then they broke up with us.

Well actually, she broke up with me,

and then you broke up with Carol, right?

-Right. -Right.

Yeah, I was going off to college

and had to get out.

[snoring]

Oh, are you guys done?

That was a riveting story, Alan,

I'm glad you're here.

[sighing]

So, why are you here, are you going to move here?

I hope you're not.

Are you going to move here?

No, he's actually, he's out here

for one last hurrah.

What?

Yeah, he's going

to propose to that girl.

-Yeah, the same girl. -You guys got back together?

After eight years apart we've now been together for three.

I've never been happier in my whole life.

Oh my God, I am sorry, man, you've got that

weird suburbia thing going on, we're going to get you laid.

[scoffing]

-You're joking. -No, I'm not joking,

we need to get you laid.

No.

[Travis] Yeah, no, yeah, we are.

That was a cry for help, I saw it.

Come on, look, you're

in the biggest city of uncommitted

people, and you have to get laid here.

It's a thing, you got to do it, we're going to do it for ya.

So that's why I was convinced to come out

to get my mind off the gym girl. [chuckling]

Why do you do that?

Did you think that the conversation stopped

when you left and then we just paused?

Alan here is going to get married

to his high school sweetheart.

-Lovely. -But before he does

he's going to have a little rendezvous.

[clicking tongue]

Is that a good idea?

[Alan] It's terrible.

She's actually best friends with

Damien's ex-high school sweetheart.

What happened to your girl?

She ended up dating some military guy.

But he's always off, so I don't know, last I heard

it wasn't really working out, she was over it.

Oh, no dude, he's a desk pusher now.

They just got engaged.

Oh.

Really?

[dramatic music]

I'm sorry, buddy, I was going to

bring it up earlier, but...

-No. -We're here.

[Travis] Yeah, we're just

a knock on the door away.

Guys, I'm... I'm fine.

It's not a big deal, it's like forever ago.

You don't seem fine, but...

I, really, seriously, it's whatever.

[clearing throat]

Did you know Damien when he was a fat kid? [chuckling]

He wasn't that fat.

Yes, he was, I saw pictures.

He was like Louie Anderson fat.

Living with Louie.

Hey, did you lose your glasses?

-You know what, man? -[Alan] What?

-I think you should. -I should?

[Damien] Have one last hurrah.

-Come on, you can't. -Oh, come on.

Yeah, yeah, I think he's speaking truth.

Yep, that's a guy with an idea.

No, no dude, I've had my fun, I'm ready to settle down.

This is an even more reason to have one last rendezvous.

-[Travis] There you go. -[Damien] Greg and I are upset.

-I like the girl at my gym. -Travis always wants

a one night stand, so come on, let's all go in.

I like one night stands, I like

a lot of one night stands.

I'm always up for

a one night stand.

Oh, there's a hand in the middle of the pot.

-What does that mean? -The hand in the

middle of the pot

means that that's a pact.

If you put another hand in the pot what happens?

It's pact time.

Oh, there's a third hand.

[Greg] I've got a small hand so I'm going to do two hands.

He's going to do two hands, put your hands in there.

-Don't break the pact, don't break the pact. -All right, fine,

I'll put my hand on the pact.

Okay, let me tell you something,

you've got long hands.

But that doesn't mean--

No, it does mean something.

Let me tell you something,

you don't know me!

-I'm just kidding. But I'm not. -Okay.

-I'm really serious. -All right, fine.

I'm going to the bathroom,

I'm glad we did this.

We're cool, it's okay.

-No, it's not okay. -Yeah.

Do you think I like you?

Oh no no

Breakfast.

Excuse me?

Breakfast.

[dramatic music]

[people chatting]

[footsteps]

[door squeaking]

Ah, Jesus!

Sorry, you startled me.

Mind passing me one?

Oh, yeah, sure.

-Here you go. -Thank you.

Do I know you?

Do you?

I mean, you look familiar, but I can't place it.

Sometimes things are hard to place.

Or be found for that matter.

Okay, have a good night.

Do you love her?

Excuse me?

Do you love her?

-Do I love... -My daughter.

You know, we had some good times, and had a few laughs.

Stop stuttering and answer me!

Is this what you want?

I think I want to leave.

Don't be bashful about it, own it like a man!

Own it like a man?

That's right.

-Own what, exactly? -You're asking me

for my daughter's hand

in marriage, aren't you?

Had we only met.

[father scoffing]

Have a good one.

The answer is yes.

I think you're mistaking me for someone else.

Dani loves you, and that's all that matters.

Welcome to the family, Damien.

[dramatic music]

You know a lot of guys think that I just want a baby daddy,

which is so far from the truth.

I mean I really like my life, doesn't mean

I don't want to have some fun from time to time.

Who's this?

[Alan] Oh, this is our buddy.

This is Damien.

Damien.

Oh, someone's in Cabo.

Cabo?

I just mean it's not a race, dude.

Race, Mexican, right?

Uh,

normally he's very funny.

-[Alan] He has his own show. -Really?

Like a TV show?

So is this the male equal to Ellen?

Equal parts whiskey and terror, right?

Are you okay?

Dude, did you see a ghost?

[Travis] Phantasma.

Shena, you were saying.

[Shena] Was I?

You were saying that

even though you're a single mom

you still like the D.

Oh, whoa, okay,

I don't know if I was saying exactly that.

Hey, we all have, you know, animalistic urges.

It'd be unfair to put a single mom

up on like a pedestal, right?

I mean you're a human being, you're like

you deserve to have some, you know, the--

The D!

Yeah, I do deserve the D,

you know, a big one too.

I just, I refuse to be seen as this woe is me type woman

that needs a man to take care of her.

-Totally. -[Shena] I don't need ya.

[Carol] Yeah, it's 2018, men are just sperm deposits

by this point.

[Alan] Ouch.

Everything is just so easy now.

We have robots, self-driving cars,

advancements in dildos.

-Yes, gross. -[Carol] They even have

the texture down, you know.

The whole hunter gatherer sense is gone.

[Shena] I have an announcement, I have yet

to have a man give me an orgasm.

[Carol] That's because you don't use a dildo,

I have told you.

What about, what happened

to compassion and love?

[both laughing]

-It's true, I do... -[laughing]

still like the feeling

of connecting, and the feeling

of weight on me, unfortunately.

I weigh 185.

You know, worse case

scenario, I guess I have to

raise my kid in this dystopian,

animatronic type future.

Oh you will thrive in a dystopian, manimatronic future.

Is that so?

Absolutely, my mother raised me.

And my father couldn't hold a candle to her.

Yeah, I think single parents deserve a lot of respect.

Oh, were you a product of?

[electricity flickering]

[dramatic music]

No.

A lot of people think that, but no,

my parents are still happily married.

-[Travis] Really? -Yeah.

Are you a commitaphobe?

I would not use that term.

That means yes.

I just feel that everyone should love themselves.

Well, you were raised in a respectful, loving relationship

-so what are you trying-- -We're derailing from

the conversation.

Maybe your parents raised you

with this unrealistic idea of romance?

I think people want what they can't have

because it's safer and that we're all responsible

for our own feelings, nobody else's.

It's safer that way.

And it's just, you know,

it's just stress-free living all the time.

I refuse to be psychoanalyzed.

Carol.

[dramatic music]

All right, I got shots.

[all cheering]

-Yes! -Yay.

You should ID.

Oh please, that line is not

going to work on us honey.

No, no, seriously.

Just to let you guys know,

we're going to be closing

in about 10 minutes.

[Alan] Thank you, Jen.

No one underage should be

admitted in this bar.

So drink up, have fun,

I'll see ya in 10.

Hey, hey, hey, did I hear shots?

This is my kind of group.

-May I join? -[Travis] Yeah.

[Alan] Yes, you can have this one.

[Nancy] Yeah.

[Travis] Hey, you know what?

I think we should take this party

back to Damien's house for after hours.

[Nancy] Fuck, yeah!

-Let's do it. -Yeah!

Dame-o!

I'm his next door neighbor.

-Yes. -No, no, no.

[Alan] They're coming, they're coming.

[Damien] You left a naked, under-age girl in my bed.

[Nancy] You didn't do anything, did you?

-[Damien] No. -[Nancy] Then what's

the fucking issue?

You saw some tits, we had some laughs,

stop being a baby.

[scoffing] You hooked up with an

under-age girl.

[gasping] Did I?

Yes, dammit.

We kissed, and then we made fun of you

after you passed out, we moved you into the hallway.

[chuckling]

[Damien] And her clothes

came off when?

[Nancy] Her clothes?

[Damien] Yes.

Fuck if I know.

When I left she was clothed.

Are you sure you didn't remove her clothes?

Yes, positive.

Chill out, dude, I'm just fucking with you,

I won't say anything.

There's nothing to say.

Look, I can invite her over

if you're so curious.

No, I just want to

make sure she's okay.

She's fine.

She just drank a little too much.

Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, do you actually think

that you're coming in here?

'Cause you're not.

Duh.

You're not, you psycho.

You need me.

Oh, and why is that?

Because I'll make this fun while you

go sulk in a corner.

I don't--

-M-hm. -I don't sulk, okay?

-I'm not going to. -Yeah, you do.

-You don't know that. -You do.

-You do. -No.

Hey, hey.

-Hey. -Hey.

[both laughing]

Hey, you see this guy's apartment?

But I have a three bedroom apartment.

So she coming inside?

Is that, it's okay?

She can come inside my place.

Yeah, yeah I think that's a good idea.

-[laughing] Yeah, it's a good idea. -You'll have fun.

You guys should definitely do that.

All right, have fun, okay?

-I like that you share, bro. -Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, make sure he follows

the fucking pact, okay?

-Okay. -Hey!

[dramatic music]

Make sure he follows the pact.

Okay, I'll do it, I'm going to go talk to him right now.

Okay, just make sure he does it

because it'd be good for him.

Oh, hey, Greg. Dude, you should probably...

She called you a hobbit,

you're like a little handsome white Smurf.

Okay, get some rest, good night, guys.

[woman laughing]

[dramatic music]

Of course I would.

Yeah, he was drunk, he had a whole bottle of wine.

He had an entire bag of pistachio nuts

from our finest closet, he starts flicking 'em...

[electricity flickering]

...on the counter.

So just flicking shells just everywhere?

-Everywhere. -Are you okay?

-What? -Are you okay?

Yeah, of course, why wouldn't I be?

-You seem a little on edge. -Hey, where's the ice?

-Oh! -Oh, my God.

Security gets the suite, eh?

-Oh, my God! -Great.

Is he okay?

He's fine, he just had

a little bit too much to drink.

How are you guys doing on drinks,

you need some more?

-Fine. -Oh, I'm okay.

We just poured those.

-Great, I'll get some more. -Whoa.

[Alan] Dude, what's up?

What? I'm fine.

Really? Because you just dumped

our whiskeys out,

now you're making us four new ones.

I think if you keep this up you're going to turn into

a big, fat

[doubled voice] loser!

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

Who do we have here?

What?

Is it this important child's birthday?

No, not yet.

Happy birthday, fatty.

[laughing]

[heart beating]

[breathing hard]

You're okay.

You're okay.

You're okay.

[exhaling]

[groaning]

[exhaling]

[baby crying]

[dramatic music]

You're a father.

[baby crying]

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

[breathing hard]

Fuck.

[sighing]

[dramatic music]

Drives you crazy.

-Yeah. -Well, man.

Hey, Damien.

Damien, is that you?

Hey, man,

[clearing throat]

Alan says that he's probably

not going to go through with the pact.

I just feel super weird about it.

But I told him that he should.

And I said that I shouldn't.

Yeah, and then I said to him again,

"Yeah, you should." [chuckling]

So yeah, that's what's happening out out here.

Hey,

you look kind of weird.

[chuckling]

Alan, you are going to go through with it, okay?

Because we made a fucking pact, and it's not a time

to be a little bitch, it's time to man up, right?

Right?

[laughing]

I'm not going to hurt you, I'm not going to hurt you, Alan.

[dramatic music]

But you will

fuck that girl.

Hey, Damien, why don't you take it down a notch?

Don't tell me to take it down, all right?

Go hump crazy.

And gentlemen...

we have a pact.

Are you sure?

I packed 'em.

Oh, yeah, you did.

See, told you.

A duh doi

You didn't tell me anything.

And that's actually not true,

'cause you were just saying something.

I was?

Yeah, about the girl from way back.

Oh, Carol, yeah.

Yeah, I guess she was the most serious thing I was ever in.

[scoffing]

Oh man, I love the way

we talk about relationships.

Like they're a John Carpenter movie.

If we have any surprises for each other.

I don't think we're in much shape to do anything about it.

Best first date ever.

Hollywood Cemetery, check.

Aliens, check.

Body snatchers, check.

I would say to rephrase something from moments ago, duh doi.

Hey, I just want to say thank you for putting up with my BS.

Well, I've been known to fling some cow crap myself.

And like I tell our friends, you and I are like

Mike Meyers and October 31st.

Seriously though, I know I can be difficult,

and distant, you know, sometimes.

But... you make me feel safe.

Same.

[dramatic music]

[knocking]

Should I be worried about you?

Dude, you went to get us drinks and never came back

like 20 minutes ago.

[sighing]

Dude, I'm so sorry, I'm a little out of it.

Look, I don't want to be a dick, because I know

you're going through some shit.

But I'm pretty pissed off.

Okay.

Look, this is my first and possibly only visit

to Los Angeles, maybe ever,

and you don't want to do anything!

And when you do, you're either disgruntled,

or you fucking disappear,

or you dumped out the whiskey shots.

Come on man, wake up, I haven't seen you

since like three Christmases ago.

I just want to have fun with my old friend,

and you're breaking my heart, dude.

You're right, you're right, I'm sorry.

Damn right.

This is my LA trip.

[electricity flickering]

-I wanted to be a prosecutor. -God.

What?

Oh, nothing, I'm just going insane.

Sure, the moment I realized my passion

would make you go insane.

No, no, no that's not what I'm saying.

I'm just sorry, I--

Well, we could go walk down that long hallway

or, if you are going insane, then maybe we could be edgy

and just stay here.

Perhaps getting caught would add a little--

Shit, I forgot about him.

Dude, what are you doing?

I was going to take the trash out, it started to fill up.

, No man, I've got my trash, go sit down.

I'll be right back, I'm sorry.

Okay.

Hey, you're doing really good with him.

Just keep your confidence level high and just--

Jesus Christ.

[soft music]

[crying]

[child laughing]

Late for kids.

[child laughing]

Kid.

Hello?

[dramatic music]

Hello, kid?

Hello?

Kid, is that you?

Kid, you back there?

[child laughing]

[crashing]

[dramatic music]

[screaming]

We are gathered here today to unite Damien Booster

and Danielle Scott.

Wel-- welc-- welcome to the family.

You have my blessing, son.

[wedding march playing]

[Damien] Oh shit.

Danielle, repeat after me.

With this ring.

[Danielle] With this ring I thee wed,

Damien Booster.

[Damien] I don't see you!

Do you, Damien Booster

take Danielle Scott?

[screaming]

And, Danielle Scott,

do you take Damien Booster?

[Danielle laughing]

I do.

[dramatic music]

Dani...

Dani...

I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up, okay?

I love you, I love you, you have to know this,

you must know this, I love you!

[heartbeats]

I know.

Whoa, what's wrong?

Damien, you okay?

[soft music]

Hey, man, where's the trash?

[breathing hard]

-[Damien] Fuck this. -[Carol] Wait, what?

[dramatic music]

Hey, whoa, Damien.

-Excuse me! -I don't think that's such a good idea.

-I just don't think you should go in there. -Excuse me, lady!

Oh, my God! Whoa, guys, a little privacy, please.

Alan, I can't let you do this, okay?

Everything I've said is horse shit,

you deserve a real, untainted love, man.

No, no, he's right, I'm sorry, Shena.

You're an amazing girl and I feel so lucky,

-but, I love my girlfriend. -You have a girlfriend?

I know, I know I should have said something.

What the fuck?

[Alan] I got carried--

Really, a fucking girlfriend?

Here I am fucking butt ass naked in your bed

and you got a fucking girlfriend?

I had a wonderful time with you.

Oh, stop.

[Alan] Really!

Oh, fuck off!

-I'm sorry. -[Shena] Fuck you!

Thanks for nothing, asshole, I can't believe I wasted my night off with you.

I should have known watching you in the bar

last night all mopey and weird that tonight would be

just as shit-tastic.

She remembered me.

I'm so embarrassed, you piece of shit.

Wait, wait, last night?

Yeah, you're buddy was there last night

being just as lame and pathetic as he was tonight.

[Alan] Damien, what the fuck?

I'm sorry man, okay?

Like you passed out and I couldn't go to sleep.

Dude, it's not just that, it's everything.

The whole trip has just been one big wash with you!

I know, I know, I know.

I fucked up, I fucked up, I'm a fuck up.

Okay, I fucked up Caroline's relationship.

I've self-sabotaged every single relationship since.

And, you know, I guess I did the same thing with you,

and I'm sorry dude, I'm an asshole.

Yeah, you did, asshole.

Mainly to people I care about.

Mainly to people you care about. [scoffing]

And you don't deserve that.

I'm sorry, you're my best friend, you've been my best friend

my whole life, and I love you, man, and I just--

Let's just save it.

I love you, man, and I'm really happy

for you and Natalie, like sincerely.

Hey!

You kept me up all night, huh?

[dramatic music]

[soft music]

[groaning]

[Alan] Hey, bud, you didn't ruin my trip.

If anything, you made it more interesting.

Thank you for showing me just how much I love Natalie,

you da man, hope you will be my best man come next spring.

Love you dude, Alan.

[dramatic music]

She

Snaps like a flag In the wind

And I

Will never be forgiven

These my sins

And I'm sitting here

Guess that's Natural selection

But I've had nights

With photograph protection

But I

Got a big bad love

But I

Got a big bad love

[Danielle] Damien?

[screaming]

Who is he?

Who was that guy?

[people chatting]

I

Got a big bad love

I've

Got nothing

Just words on withered pages

And I've known so long that I forgot to make changes

And I've had nights

When sorrow's bled me dry And I

I've been faced with unsayable goodbyes

But I, I got a big bad love

I

I got a big bad love

And the soles of my shoes

Worn as thin as my faith

And I guess I should Be heading home, honey

It seems it's getting late

Got to lay me down Inside my bed, uh-huh huh

With these memories of you

I pray someday that You could find

A way to love me too

♪ 'Cause I

I got a big bad love

♪ 'Cause I

I got a big bad love

♪ 'Cause I

I got a big bad love

♪ ♪

The Description of Philophobia: or the Fear of Falling in Love