[soft country music]
Oh, you know what? I actually have to go
'cause my friend Tammy's going to be really mad.
But, you have my number.
-[Damien] Yeah, it's Da... -Danielle.
[Damien] Danielle, right. Yeah, maybe next time, you can buy the drinks.
Oh, we'll see.
-It was good to meet you. -[Damien] Yeah, you too.
Who the hell was that? And when did you start talking?
'Cause I was sitting right next to you and then, pfft, you were gone.
-I'm sneaky. -[Tammy] You all were engaged, honey,
just jabbering on and on,
couldn't get a word in edgewise.
-You? Never. -He seemed nice. Well, charming.
But then again, charming can be deceiving
so, but maybe you know better,
'cause you were so engaged with him.
Was he? You all going to date?
[scoffing] I don't know. I don't know,
he just seemed like a typical LA guy, you know?
And besides, I don't know if I'm ready for anything
at the moment.
[Tammy] Yeah, I feel you on that.
I mean, you did just get out of something.
Although, that was like six months ago, so.
-Oh, you're counting? -I mean, now that I say it out
loud, maybe it's time you get out there and explore?
-[scoffing] Okay. -But then, again, I mean,
being on your own can just be so liberating.
-Yes, it can be. -You know, ya feel me?
I do feel you.
So we're splitting this Uber?
Oh, no, actually, I'm staying at my friend
Julia's around the corner, 'cause Ubers add up.
Oh, yeah. You did say that, okay, well, good to see you, great to see you.
Ooh, it was so good seeing you.
[Tammy] See you soon.
Yes, I had so much fun.
I did, too. Get home safe.
Text me when you get home.
[Tammy] I will.
♪ Get kicks when we take part ♪
♪ We go outside of the desert ♪
-[Danielle] God. -[Damien] Dani, Danielle,
you forgot your purse.
Oh my God, I am so sorry.
[Damien] Yeah, you punched me in the fucking heart. [wheezing]
Really good on all levels, actually...
Like, the first time we had real talk we quickly communicated...
-and it was amazing! -Oh yeah, I'm so sorry
about New Year's that was so annoying.
-No, no, no, it's okay. -Yeah, but it was annoying.
Stop, I just said we killed it communicating.
And clearly we can be dorks
around each other, so.
[Damien] I don't know what you're talking about.
Plus we have this thing where it's like you can instantly
-tell when I'm feeling off. -Tell when you're off.
-Stop it, you dork! -Stop it, you dork, ooh!
God, you know what? Just forget it.
Forget it, forget it.
Well, to be fair the only reason why I could do that
was because you brought that up a couple times.
-[groaning] That's so gross. -No, it's not gross.
-I know it is. You hate it. -No, it's not.
I don't hate it, it's sweet.
Okay, well, in that case.
No, no ruhros.
My mom's coming into town this weekend
and I told her about that breakfast place around the corner.
Breakfast nook, what do... what is a nook?
They were always using that, what is that?
So, we're going to, we're going to that place
at like 10 on Sunday morning...
And I figured since
it's right there
that maybe you could come meet us?
You were right not to use it.
'Cause it just seems like an adjacent small room
from a larger room.
Damien, can you meet up with us?
I got to take Alan to the airport.
Okay, well, you said his flight was at nine,
so you have to drop him off by eight at least, so--
Wow, we got an elephant over here.
Oh my, come on!
Can you see how I feel
Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
-push it. -No, no, no.
I just wanted the two people I love to meet.
I love you.
Look Damien, I didn't expect this, and at this point
I really feel like something needs to be done
because I am starting to feel nice,
I get excited to see you, and--
And I get that little jolt in my stomach
whenever you text me.
And it feels like high school again.
And I wasn't expecting to feel like high school again.
How long have we been dating?
-Seven months. -Three months.
-Seven months. -Seven months, great.
Put your fucking hand down.
Look, you're-- you're great,
and we are great.
Like the fucking connection, the fucking communication,
the fucking, it's all great.
Dani, come on. Please, wait.
Just forget it, I deserve better!
I deserve somebody who wants me as much as I want them,
and you can't even kiss me in public!
And you know what? It does not have to be some whole big thing,
it is just a brunch.
And you know what? I don't even have to introduce you as my boyfriend, okay,
because God forbid, right?
Oh, my God.
I am... done with not knowing where I stand with you.
So, you know what?
Here's your stupid fucking spare key.
-Please don't. Please. -Just forget it!
Just forget it.
you should hear it, and you should let it sink in.
I am not a coward, and I'm not too much of a child
to deal with my own emotions.
So at least I'm owning it.
I love you, Damien.
I love you and I feel like such an idiot.
So you know what? I just hope you know this is the last memory
that you have of me, goodbye.
[cell phone dialing]
Hey, hey, you okay?
[Travis] Drank a lot,
no, I just want my bed.
I was about to call the police.
All right, Johnny, I got it, I got it.
I was about to fucking call the police on you.
[Damien] All right, all right, get some rest.
-Can we please go? -Fashion police.
-No argyle after Labor Day. -Okay, okay.
[text sent notifying]
[text received notifying]
[driver] You been together for a little bit?
Try two years, happily married.
[chuckling] Yeah, is that surprising?
[driver] It just seems like you guys, you start now.
Near the beginning, the honeymoon phase.
Yeah, you know what? That's because he actually told me about his obsession
with human flesh on our one year anniversary.
So you know at that point I was kind of had to accept it, unfortunately.
Yeah, I just can't get enough of it, driver.
-I hate you. -I know.
Oh, yeah, it's just right up here.
It's nice to see two married people in LA that still look happy.
-Hey, what's up? -Hey.
I made it.
Jesus, did you get any sleep at all?
Ah, welcome to Hollywood.
Sorry I didn't pick you up.
Oh, that's okay.
Yeah, how was the Uber?
Oh, really good actually,
real friendly guy, who talk about
chandeliers, turn out he--
Dani broke up with me.
Yeah, then she just stormed out.
Wow, well, it's strange.
Yeah, it's so strange, so strange, right?
I was going to say it's strange because--
Yeah, it's strange, like what is this, an ultimatum?
So strange, you're not alone with the thinking that it's strange.
No, what I was going to say is that in the entire time
you've been out here I don't think
you've dated anyone for more than two months, so.
Now that's true.
Yeah, I just figured you were like making up
for lost time, or something.
Are you going to eat?
Oh no, I'm not hungry.
So, what do you want to do?
I figured we'd hit some of the Hollywood staples,
you know, Grauman's Chinese Theatre, Santa Monica Pier.
-Yeah, we can do that. -Staples Center.
Maybe tonight we just stay in and chill,
watch a movie or something?
Yeah, sure, yeah, you must be going through some stuff.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm, no, it's just,
maybe we could catch up, you know, I'm fine.
♪ Oh ♪
♪ He's just a fool ♪
[Alan] All right, shall we go out?
[Damien] Yeah, we could, we could.
I'm a little terrified to drink right now, but yeah.
Or we can just get dinner.
Maybe we can watch another movie?
[man] You're screwing Willy Walden, aren't you?
-[laughing] -Aren't you?
That's just like how our breakup is.
[man] And I'm moving out of here!
See, that's it.
You know? Like--
Naked and at his most vulnerable.
Yet, she accepts him.
Yeah, that's what we want right there.
I mean, Sara was cheating on him before,
so it's like different circumstances, but.
Yeah, right, exactly.
I guess I know what you mean.
You get it, you get it.
♪ Queen that you are ♪
All right, well what do you want to do now?
I don't know, man, I'm kind of wiped.
I think I'm going to hit the hay.
But, I really want to see
some stuff tomorrow, please.
Sure, sure. Um...
Oh, if you wake up before me I have a--
♪ Sure and then ♪
♪ Tonight I have ♪
I have a spare key,
there's a coffee shop
two blocks from here.
What are you doing?
I have a spare bedroom just
down the hall here.
I feel good, man, I feel optimistic.
Hope you get some rest.
Cool, good night.
I just figured 'cause there's-- there's no bouncer.
[bar chatter in the background]
What can I get for you?
I think I'm going to try one of those amber ales,
the Famous Amber Ale you got over there.
♪ Papa was a wrong of mine until I stand alone ♪
-Ooh. -That'll be seven, please.
-You can keep it open. -What?
I just said you can go ahead and keep that open.
Hey, you should go ahead and drink up
because there's a painting in the bathroom
with boobies on it.
Oh, all right.
♪ Tonight you rocked me ♪
This amber ale's amazing.
♪ Tonight you rocked me Out of my mind ♪
♪ Girl, you know it ♪
♪ Tonight you rocked me Out of my mind, girl ♪
♪ Tonight you rocked me Out of my mind ♪
[man] So, this is like a school night or something?
[woman] Why do you continue to talk?
♪ Yeah, we got some And we can sing ♪
♪ And I've got music Exploding in me ♪
♪ This man tells me to Bring some music ♪
[Jeff] I wasn't shooting myself because of you.
[Jeff] The pantomime, I wasn't
shooting myself in the head
because you looked up at me.
I was pretending to be you while
that other guy was talking to you.
So, you live around here?
I'm not going to tell you where I live.
[Jeff] Let me rephrase,
do you frequent this establishment?
Carol, I'm Jeff.
So what's the deal with all the--
Can I get a whiskey over here?
What is up, dame?
Wait, what did you just call me?
Oh, okay, for a second there I thought
you actually said my actual name,
like you memorized the license or something.
Da man yeah, da man, yeah, that's funny.
Actually, I thought you were a girl when
you're asking for a drink so I said, dame,
if I'm being honest.
Oh, okay, I think I liked the other version better,
but nonetheless, what's your name?
I'm sorry, The, The, what's the last name?
Oh, all right.
Well, I guess there's not a lot of wiggle room
in career paths, huh?
What can I get you?
I'm going to have a whiskey, hold the rocks,
So, double whiskey neat.
♪ Come home and meet you ♪
♪ Speak to me in my-- ♪
Thank you, the tab's Booster.
♪ Yeah, it don't mean It's time ♪
Are you okay?
-Yeah, sorry. -Here.
No, no, you're fine.
Well, well, Prince Charming, eh?
-Aw. -I want one.
[Damien] You guys need to be quiet 'cause my guest is sleeping.
Oh, we'll be quiet.
This place is nice.
Yeah, it's all right.
No, I like it! Right, Becca?
Yeah, I mean, it's really...
This whiskey is amazing.
It's so smooth.
[Damien] I mean, it's all right, I guess.
It so smooth, right, Becca?
I mean, I haven't tried it.
It's so smooth.
None of that dragon throat
shit for us, guy.
-[laughing] -Dragon what now?
Fuck yeah, this guy.
Not for this guy, I mean.
-What the fuck bullshit are you saying? -I'm not.
You know, you really chased us, didn't you?
Chased is a bit--
Yeah, you stalked us up.
I mean the shoe fell off.
I'm fucking with you dude, we like you.
Yeah, I mean--
I mean, we were like flirting
from a distance
for like awhile.
Right, well, that's what I was saying.
Right, that's what I was saying.
Man, you are, you're funny, you know that?
-I mean... -You are.
You know that, right?
Do you want a bump?
No, I'm okay.
Oh God, look at this place,
it's so swanky.
For a two bedroom, Jesus.
[Damien] I mean, it's an apartment.
You know, you like saying that a lot.
-[Damien] What? -I mean.
-[Damien] I do? -Yeah, are you?
-Am I? -Mean.
-Wait, what? -It's not a hard question.
Oh, oh God, oh, oh, oh God,
do you have a bathroom?
Yeah, right down the hallway to the right.
-[Nancy] Can I use it? -Yep.
You are so gullible.
Man, I love this hallway.
It's so smooth!
Your place is nice.
I mean, maybe not as smooth as she says it is, but...
Yeah, like I said, it's an apartment.
That bar is cool, first time I'd been.
♪ This is a fine place ♪
Yeah, at that bar?
You know I came up with the shoe idea,
shoe doesn't just fall off.
♪ I was just thinking out loud ♪
Yeah, Prince Charming,
you know I always loved that movie.
And I mean, you did pick up my shoe, so.
Then it works.
You know, she's crazy.
She's out for the fun of it all.
[Damien] It seems that way.
But I was the one who saw you and pointed you out.
I thought you were so charismatic and confident.
Told her, let's take him back to our place
and let him line us up naked.
What's this shit
you're listening to?
Oh no, no, no.
♪ 15 holes and a 12 pack ♪
Come here. Come here!
♪ At the same time services Start for the third time ♪
♪ While I was grasping ♪
♪ Don't come this is What you need ♪
♪ Don't come again ♪
♪ For the best I'll give you the rest ♪
♪ You can dream ♪
♪ I like the brink Stay out the link ♪
♪ Still, junior's got Nothing on me ♪
♪ And I'm hauling docks ♪
♪ The old man's going to help me out ♪
♪ And I'm born again ♪
♪ Got to a cooler in the back♪
♪ This is John Day and I've got nine lives ♪
♪ And I'm ripping ripping And hitting long drives ♪
♪ I was a cracker Back in the day ♪
♪ Played so many ways ♪
♪ I played 36 up to New York ♪
♪ Backed up to me and The great white shark ♪
♪ Been playing for money Since I was three ♪
♪ I'm entitled to play ♪
♪ Golf Channel's on ♪
♪ Feherty's talking about Steve Daly, Dustin Johnson ♪
All right, you ready, charming prince?
Were you guys both in the bathroom?
Did you miss us?
What the fuck was that?
It was the neighbor, were you guys both in the bathroom?
Fuck off, dude, we're trying to have a threesome here!
[Nancy] You coming, Nancy boy?
[Becca] Come on.
[Nancy] Nancy boy.
Oh shit, that's my name.
What the fuck?
I never thought of that.
♪ Can't name the president of Xanax, Codeine ♪
♪ Effexor, and Vicodin, Lexapro ♪
[Becca] Join in.
♪ The crazy ones are Investing in ♪
I'm going to sit down for a minute.
[text sent notifying]
Well, well, well, you realize winter isn't over, right?
I'm surprised you're not still hibernating.
All right, it's good to see you, man.
Good to see you, player.
Now, this place isn't the swankiest but,
the girls here are fire.
After you, bud.
Oh my gosh, you were so right, going out tonight was going to be a total crap shoot.
-A shit show. -Staying in was weird,
not going to lie, but I loved it.
It was quaint, and desolate.
-But we're going out next year. -All right.
But you know pizza, ice cream,
and champagne with my girl
was just so, you know, mm, it was just so...
Deca-- ooh, whoa.
Have you seen Jennifer's IG?
-No, why? -She's like sucking face with
twins, twins, Dani.
-They're like models. -Oh, my God, he's cute.
-That's gross. -They're cute.
But also kind of hot.
I don't know, like why would
a brother and a brother, like...
-Seriously! -Oh, my God!
Tammy, I love you.
OMG, I love you.
-Happy New Year's. -Happy New Year, babe.
This is our year, I feel it in my bones.
Not mine, 'cause I'm chunking up that
white chocolate chunk on-dairy and gluten-free carbs
in your bushes.
It's that kind of year? Okay.
Yeah, it is that kind of year.
Are you okay?
Oh my gosh okay, go, go, go, go, go, get home safe.
[Tammy] I'll text you when I get home.
Becca, Becca, Becca, Becca, Becca, Becca!
Oh, thank God.
Little adorable Becca.
[knocking on door]
[Becca] This is my best friend.
Hi, I'm Jennifer.
[knocking on door]
Hey, man, Bob's pretty pissed.
Aw, man, aw, what time is it?
I heard you scream.
Yeah, that was the knock, it startled me a little bit.
Yeah, it was before I knocked.
Yeah, oh, I stubbed my toe.
Were you sleep walking?
No, my buddy, he's crashing here, and he got up
without his glasses, he was all disoriented
going to the bathroom, so.
So your buddy stubbed his toe then?
No, no, sorry, he got up without glasses, disoriented,
going to the bathroom and then I walked in a big hole.
It's none of my business, all right?
-Whole thing. -I just--
Bob's pretty pissed about the noise, okay?
Well, Bob can suck a dick.
Come on, just be mindful.
-Yes. -I don't want my buddy's
one and only trip to Hollywood
to be fucking ruined because Bob is being a baby.
You know what's weird, Greg?
Is I have met every single person in this complex,
I have yet to see my neighbor, Bob.
What is that all about?
-Who the hell is Bob? -Bob's your neighbor,
I don't know what else to say.
Oh right, well, I think you're missing my point, but...
I just want you to keep it down
so Bob doesn't call the cops, and I don't have to come
bang on your door at three in the morning, okay?
-That's fair, right? -Yeah, yeah.
[Damien] Oh, man.
-[Greg] Hey, listen, man. -It's late, so we were just--
It's none of my business or anything, but I kind
of heard and saw Dani like storm off last night.
Yeah, and I want you to know
I'm sorry, all right?
I'm your friend if you need anyone to talk to.
I don't want to see you drowning your sorrows
in meaningless hookups, or whatever you're doing in there.
No, no, I'm-- no.
Before you start talking with this next time
you can talk to me with this.
Thanks, Greg, appreciate it, I'm okay, I'm good.
-Okay, I'm here, I'm your friend. -I'm going to get some rest.
Thank you, thank you, appreciate that.
-Goodnight. -I'm going to go right
to bed, you should too.
[knocking on window]
-Hey. -Hey, Damien?
Yeah, yeah, I mean yeah, I called you.
I found this girl on the sidewalk passed out
and I've been drinking.
So, I was thinking I would give you 40 bucks
and she has her keys and you just put her in her room.
What are we supposed to do you know,
like leave her on the sidewalk?
No, I don't--
-[sighing] All right. -[Damien] All right. Okay.
Okay, you have my info, right?
Text me when it's all done.
Watch out, that's, random girl.
There you go.
You know, we're doing a good thing here, right?
♪ And will I love ♪
♪ Again ♪
[knocking on door]
[Alan] Morning buddy, slept like a rock. I'm going
to get us some coffees and we'll see some Hollywood bullshit?
♪ Cut your losses and Give up the ghost ♪
♪ I'll take the city You keep the coast ♪
♪ And in the end I'll satisfy ♪
♪ Without all that I left Between the lines ♪
♪ In the end ♪
♪ You won't need me anymore ♪
♪ In the end ♪
♪ You won't need me anymore ♪
Like, posting left and right.
I really wouldn't read into that.
[sighing] She's all happy out and about doing things.
Dude, you of all people should know that what you post online isn't always what reality is.
You of all people should know what you post online isn't--
Buddy, you are number 58
on the podcast charts, that's awesome.
Maybe you should go to brunch, just show up,
show that you care, all will be fine.
Ever feel like you're like...
just going to wake up one day alone, old, thinking like...
I was just at prom with Carol.
No, because Carol and I didn't go to the prom.
I think there's something seriously wrong with me.
Like, I'm seeing things,
or maybe they're real, I don't know, I don't know, I just--
I feel like my past is going to catch up to me
and it's going to kill me, literally.
Like I'm going to wake up a corpse.
Wake up a corpse?
Buddy, those things cancel each other out.
You of all people should resonate with that.
Well, how is that?
Living in Otero County.
Buddy, I like Otero County.
[Alan] What's it?
I'm going to record you on the podcast.
No, I don't think that's a good idea.
Yes, yes, it's a great idea, buddy.
♪ I was a student I was strange, I'd be inside ♪
We're all set up here.
-Don't be nervous. -No, no, just a little
strange being here.
Yeah, you'll be fine, you've
listened to my show before?
Of course, yeah.
Just be real, you know?
-Authentic. -All right, I get that,
-I just-- -That's all.
Thank you for tuning in, we are Reality TV,
I am your hose Damien Booster,
we are reality talking voices,
real people, real thoughts, no bullshit.
Today we have a special guest all the way from
my hometown, Otero County, New Mexico.
He happens to be the manager
of The Heart of the Desert Pistachio Ranch.
-What's that all about? -Well, we have a selection of
all-natural, homegrown pistachios
and fine wines, we also
-have award winning cheeses. -[groaning]
Did we stop? What, what happened?
Did I do something wrong?
No, no, no, you're good, it's just...
It's not like raw or gritty, so I'm just.
Okay I got it, what is the craziest customer
you've ever dealt with at the ranch?
Okay, yeah, this one guy, he got really drunk,
he had a whole bottle of wine on the patio,
and then he started drunkenly tossing the pistachio shells
on the counter by the cash register.
And Natalie's like whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the shit is that?
A guy starts throwing pistachio
shells on the counter, that's terrible.
Well you didn't let me finish.
It became this whole scene,
-the place was packed. -No,
-that's awful. -A fight it's broke out.
That's awful, but...
What's the craziest thing you
and your lady do in the bedroom?
I'm not answering that.
Are you afraid of getting real?
No, I'm not, I just--
Gah, come on dude, we had something good going there.
-I don't love that. -Why?
Because it's way too personal.
But that's what this show is,
it's all about being personal.
Yes, and I get that, I love that,
we listen to you all the time.
-I appreciate that. -But that means
she listens to it too, capisci?
I appreciate that, I just, you know,
it's all about being real, raw, no bullshit.
I don't want to talk about my sex life on here.
Oh, okay, well, shoot, I'm sorry, man,
is everything okay there?
Come on, it's me, seriously.
I don't know, it's just sometimes I feel like
we're hitting a rough patch.
Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I don't know, it's ever since she got promoted.
We've both been so busy that things have kind of
slowed down in certain areas.
All right so, do you think like, would you say
that you resent Natalie's promotion?
Okay, I wouldn't say I resent that.
You just hit record, didn't you?
You pointed at me.
-No, no. -Okay, but every time you done
that little half point you've hit record.
No, no, I was like hey, tell me what's up man,
like no bullshit.
You know like, without
-Well, don't. -You are, dude!
-What the F? -We had something going there.
Okay, but I don't want to talk about that, just stop.
Because I don't want to, it's just--
Okay, okay, I'm not mad, okay, first show jitters,
it's fine, we'll just talk about something else.
Yeah, anything else, anything else besides my sex life.
Cool, cool. Oh, okay.
So how's the relationship these days, is a--
do you have any resentments that could bleed elsewhere?
Actually everything's great, I've never been happier.
Yeah, that's kind of the reason
for this whole trip.
What do you mean?
It's my last hurrah.
I'm going to ask her to marry me.
Oh shit, dude, you can't air that either, fuck.
Wait, are you serious?
Yes, I'm serious, I've been together with her
for a long time, I mean, I love her, it's the next step.
you were the king of Alamo, I mean you're varsity soccer.
Dude, it's Alamo, you can only be the king
for like three years, and then you get a reputation.
And not a good one at that.
I didn't know.
You were the last...
The last what?
The Last of the Mohicans?
-You want to go out? -You're not going
to air this, promise me.
No, I'm not going to air this, okay?
Do you want to go out tonight?
Yes, I want to go out,
but I thought you're not drinking.
Well, I mean I might take a backseat to that,
but doesn't mean you have to, you know?
Um, all right, I'll just get cleaned up, cool?
Cool with me.
-[Damien] What? -Are you okay?
Dude, were you electrocuted?
-What? -You just came out of
the bathroom freaked,
I thought you were electrocuted.
-Was it a spider? -Huh? No, what?
Then why'd you scream then?
Why did you scream then?
I... ran out of deodorant.
Well, that's an odd reaction.
Dude, you can just bum some off of me.
No, no, no, it's okay.
I have some in the closet, I have some in the closet,
thank you though.
I kind of want to wash up too.
And besides, it's not even dark out yet.
Believe it or not, it's hot dogs and pizza.
You sure you're not hungry? Because I've been stuffing my face all night, I haven't
-seen you eat anything. -Nah, I'm good,
why don't you grab a table and I'll get the first round?
Somebody's been serving underage girls here
and I don't think that's a good, do you, The?
-Well, do you The? -I don't know what you're
talking about, I don't serve underage girls.
♪ Hold your breath 'til You see me again ♪
How you doing there?
What can I get ya, pal?
I was just talking to The.
I am the bartender, yeah,
they call me The Captain.
What'll it be?
♪ And I stay out of The drama but... ♪
Okay, I'll have a water and a pinot.
Water and a pinot coming right up.
♪ And it takes a good woman ♪
Here you go.
Yeah, keep it open, please.
♪ And I don't want you To be calling 5-0-1 ♪
Is there a problem?
Somebody's been serving...
That's Tasha, the waitress.
Yeah, manager's on her ass about it though,
so something will be cracking pretty soon.
Thanks for looking out though, champ.
You need anything else, let me know.
Yeah, it's just the same shit.
Yeah... You seem a little jumpy.
♪ Get yours ♪
Yeah, I mean, have you noticed anything weird
about my apartment?
There was some strange noises,
the light was flickering.
Oh my God, this pinot is interesting.
The pinot on my ranch has this rich underbelly.
-It's so good. -That's what I'm saying.
-Oh shit. -[Alan] What?
-It's them. -Them, who?
[Alan] Oh, sweet.
No, it will be very unsweet.
-Hey. -This is the guys.
-[Greg] Oh, hoo hoo hoo. -[Travis] Scoot over guy. Hey.
I realize that I shouldn't come out now.
-Hilarious. -How'd you get this guy to come out?
-Jenny Swanson? -She's the girl at my office
that's like banged all the guys in my office.
-And that's why Greg came out? -The fuck are you talking about?
-No, I like this girl at my gym. -How would Greg know Jenny Swanson?
-Wake up, Damien. -I don't know, you just,
you started talking about Jenny Swanson, so I was just like--
There's a girl at my gym that I like.
He likes this girl at the gym that
has banged all the other guys but won't give him
-the time of day. -We all know that for a fact.
Okay, so how does that correlate to Jenny Swanson?
Jenny Swanson is the all subtending girl
that excludes you from a shot at the opposite genes pool.
Keep up, fella.
You literally walked into the middle of the conversation
just talking about Jenny Swanson, so I have
-no reference of any-- -[Greg] Just do your best to keep up.
Why do you do that? You have this weird,
goofy, deer doe-eyed look.
Go get us some whiskeys, dude.
Four whiskeys, I'll get the first round.
I'm sorry, are you lost, are you looking for the party?
No, I'm Damien's friend, I'm Alan.
This is my best friend from high school man, it's Alan.
Yeah, what's up?
We actually hated each other first
but our girlfriends
were best friends.
This is true.
Forcing us to hang out
-and get to like each other. -That's right.
Yeah, but then they broke up with us.
Well actually, she broke up with me,
and then you broke up with Carol, right?
Yeah, I was going off to college
and had to get out.
Oh, are you guys done?
That was a riveting story, Alan,
I'm glad you're here.
So, why are you here, are you going to move here?
I hope you're not.
Are you going to move here?
No, he's actually, he's out here
for one last hurrah.
Yeah, he's going
to propose to that girl.
-Yeah, the same girl. -You guys got back together?
After eight years apart we've now been together for three.
I've never been happier in my whole life.
Oh my God, I am sorry, man, you've got that
weird suburbia thing going on, we're going to get you laid.
-You're joking. -No, I'm not joking,
we need to get you laid.
[Travis] Yeah, no, yeah, we are.
That was a cry for help, I saw it.
Come on, look, you're
in the biggest city of uncommitted
people, and you have to get laid here.
It's a thing, you got to do it, we're going to do it for ya.
So that's why I was convinced to come out
to get my mind off the gym girl. [chuckling]
Why do you do that?
Did you think that the conversation stopped
when you left and then we just paused?
Alan here is going to get married
to his high school sweetheart.
-Lovely. -But before he does
he's going to have a little rendezvous.
Is that a good idea?
[Alan] It's terrible.
She's actually best friends with
Damien's ex-high school sweetheart.
What happened to your girl?
She ended up dating some military guy.
But he's always off, so I don't know, last I heard
it wasn't really working out, she was over it.
Oh, no dude, he's a desk pusher now.
They just got engaged.
I'm sorry, buddy, I was going to
bring it up earlier, but...
-No. -We're here.
[Travis] Yeah, we're just
a knock on the door away.
Guys, I'm... I'm fine.
It's not a big deal, it's like forever ago.
You don't seem fine, but...
I, really, seriously, it's whatever.
Did you know Damien when he was a fat kid? [chuckling]
He wasn't that fat.
Yes, he was, I saw pictures.
He was like Louie Anderson fat.
Living with Louie.
Hey, did you lose your glasses?
-You know what, man? -[Alan] What?
-I think you should. -I should?
[Damien] Have one last hurrah.
-Come on, you can't. -Oh, come on.
Yeah, yeah, I think he's speaking truth.
Yep, that's a guy with an idea.
No, no dude, I've had my fun, I'm ready to settle down.
This is an even more reason to have one last rendezvous.
-[Travis] There you go. -[Damien] Greg and I are upset.
-I like the girl at my gym. -Travis always wants
a one night stand, so come on, let's all go in.
I like one night stands, I like
a lot of one night stands.
I'm always up for
a one night stand.
Oh, there's a hand in the middle of the pot.
-What does that mean? -The hand in the
middle of the pot
means that that's a pact.
If you put another hand in the pot what happens?
It's pact time.
Oh, there's a third hand.
[Greg] I've got a small hand so I'm going to do two hands.
He's going to do two hands, put your hands in there.
-Don't break the pact, don't break the pact. -All right, fine,
I'll put my hand on the pact.
Okay, let me tell you something,
you've got long hands.
But that doesn't mean--
No, it does mean something.
Let me tell you something,
you don't know me!
-I'm just kidding. But I'm not. -Okay.
-I'm really serious. -All right, fine.
I'm going to the bathroom,
I'm glad we did this.
We're cool, it's okay.
-No, it's not okay. -Yeah.
Do you think I like you?
♪ Oh no no ♪
Sorry, you startled me.
Mind passing me one?
Oh, yeah, sure.
-Here you go. -Thank you.
Do I know you?
I mean, you look familiar, but I can't place it.
Sometimes things are hard to place.
Or be found for that matter.
Okay, have a good night.
Do you love her?
Do you love her?
-Do I love... -My daughter.
You know, we had some good times, and had a few laughs.
Stop stuttering and answer me!
Is this what you want?
I think I want to leave.
Don't be bashful about it, own it like a man!
Own it like a man?
-Own what, exactly? -You're asking me
for my daughter's hand
in marriage, aren't you?
Had we only met.
Have a good one.
The answer is yes.
I think you're mistaking me for someone else.
Dani loves you, and that's all that matters.
Welcome to the family, Damien.
You know a lot of guys think that I just want a baby daddy,
which is so far from the truth.
I mean I really like my life, doesn't mean
I don't want to have some fun from time to time.
[Alan] Oh, this is our buddy.
This is Damien.
Oh, someone's in Cabo.
I just mean it's not a race, dude.
Race, Mexican, right?
normally he's very funny.
-[Alan] He has his own show. -Really?
Like a TV show?
So is this the male equal to Ellen?
Equal parts whiskey and terror, right?
Are you okay?
Dude, did you see a ghost?
Shena, you were saying.
[Shena] Was I?
You were saying that
even though you're a single mom
you still like the D.
Oh, whoa, okay,
I don't know if I was saying exactly that.
Hey, we all have, you know, animalistic urges.
It'd be unfair to put a single mom
up on like a pedestal, right?
I mean you're a human being, you're like
you deserve to have some, you know, the--
Yeah, I do deserve the D,
you know, a big one too.
I just, I refuse to be seen as this woe is me type woman
that needs a man to take care of her.
-Totally. -[Shena] I don't need ya.
[Carol] Yeah, it's 2018, men are just sperm deposits
by this point.
Everything is just so easy now.
We have robots, self-driving cars,
advancements in dildos.
-Yes, gross. -[Carol] They even have
the texture down, you know.
The whole hunter gatherer sense is gone.
[Shena] I have an announcement, I have yet
to have a man give me an orgasm.
[Carol] That's because you don't use a dildo,
I have told you.
What about, what happened
to compassion and love?
-It's true, I do... -[laughing]
still like the feeling
of connecting, and the feeling
of weight on me, unfortunately.
I weigh 185.
You know, worse case
scenario, I guess I have to
raise my kid in this dystopian,
animatronic type future.
Oh you will thrive in a dystopian, manimatronic future.
Is that so?
Absolutely, my mother raised me.
And my father couldn't hold a candle to her.
Yeah, I think single parents deserve a lot of respect.
Oh, were you a product of?
A lot of people think that, but no,
my parents are still happily married.
-[Travis] Really? -Yeah.
Are you a commitaphobe?
I would not use that term.
That means yes.
I just feel that everyone should love themselves.
Well, you were raised in a respectful, loving relationship
-so what are you trying-- -We're derailing from
Maybe your parents raised you
with this unrealistic idea of romance?
I think people want what they can't have
because it's safer and that we're all responsible
for our own feelings, nobody else's.
It's safer that way.
And it's just, you know,
it's just stress-free living all the time.
I refuse to be psychoanalyzed.
All right, I got shots.
You should ID.
Oh please, that line is not
going to work on us honey.
No, no, seriously.
Just to let you guys know,
we're going to be closing
in about 10 minutes.
[Alan] Thank you, Jen.
No one underage should be
admitted in this bar.
So drink up, have fun,
I'll see ya in 10.
Hey, hey, hey, did I hear shots?
This is my kind of group.
-May I join? -[Travis] Yeah.
[Alan] Yes, you can have this one.
[Travis] Hey, you know what?
I think we should take this party
back to Damien's house for after hours.
[Nancy] Fuck, yeah!
-Let's do it. -Yeah!
I'm his next door neighbor.
-Yes. -No, no, no.
[Alan] They're coming, they're coming.
[Damien] You left a naked, under-age girl in my bed.
[Nancy] You didn't do anything, did you?
-[Damien] No. -[Nancy] Then what's
the fucking issue?
You saw some tits, we had some laughs,
stop being a baby.
[scoffing] You hooked up with an
[gasping] Did I?
We kissed, and then we made fun of you
after you passed out, we moved you into the hallway.
[Damien] And her clothes
came off when?
[Nancy] Her clothes?
Fuck if I know.
When I left she was clothed.
Are you sure you didn't remove her clothes?
Chill out, dude, I'm just fucking with you,
I won't say anything.
There's nothing to say.
Look, I can invite her over
if you're so curious.
No, I just want to
make sure she's okay.
She just drank a little too much.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, do you actually think
that you're coming in here?
'Cause you're not.
You're not, you psycho.
You need me.
Oh, and why is that?
Because I'll make this fun while you
go sulk in a corner.
-M-hm. -I don't sulk, okay?
-I'm not going to. -Yeah, you do.
-You don't know that. -You do.
-You do. -No.
Hey, you see this guy's apartment?
But I have a three bedroom apartment.
So she coming inside?
Is that, it's okay?
She can come inside my place.
Yeah, yeah I think that's a good idea.
-[laughing] Yeah, it's a good idea. -You'll have fun.
You guys should definitely do that.
All right, have fun, okay?
-I like that you share, bro. -Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, make sure he follows
the fucking pact, okay?
Make sure he follows the pact.
Okay, I'll do it, I'm going to go talk to him right now.
Okay, just make sure he does it
because it'd be good for him.
Oh, hey, Greg. Dude, you should probably...
She called you a hobbit,
you're like a little handsome white Smurf.
Okay, get some rest, good night, guys.
Of course I would.
Yeah, he was drunk, he had a whole bottle of wine.
He had an entire bag of pistachio nuts
from our finest closet, he starts flicking 'em...
...on the counter.
So just flicking shells just everywhere?
-Everywhere. -Are you okay?
-What? -Are you okay?
Yeah, of course, why wouldn't I be?
-You seem a little on edge. -Hey, where's the ice?
-Oh! -Oh, my God.
Security gets the suite, eh?
-Oh, my God! -Great.
Is he okay?
He's fine, he just had
a little bit too much to drink.
How are you guys doing on drinks,
you need some more?
-Fine. -Oh, I'm okay.
We just poured those.
-Great, I'll get some more. -Whoa.
[Alan] Dude, what's up?
What? I'm fine.
Really? Because you just dumped
our whiskeys out,
now you're making us four new ones.
I think if you keep this up you're going to turn into
a big, fat
[doubled voice] loser!
Who do we have here?
Is it this important child's birthday?
No, not yet.
Happy birthday, fatty.
You're a father.
Drives you crazy.
-Yeah. -Well, man.
Damien, is that you?
Alan says that he's probably
not going to go through with the pact.
I just feel super weird about it.
But I told him that he should.
And I said that I shouldn't.
Yeah, and then I said to him again,
"Yeah, you should." [chuckling]
So yeah, that's what's happening out out here.
you look kind of weird.
Alan, you are going to go through with it, okay?
Because we made a fucking pact, and it's not a time
to be a little bitch, it's time to man up, right?
I'm not going to hurt you, I'm not going to hurt you, Alan.
But you will
fuck that girl.
Hey, Damien, why don't you take it down a notch?
Don't tell me to take it down, all right?
Go hump crazy.
we have a pact.
Are you sure?
I packed 'em.
Oh, yeah, you did.
See, told you.
♪ A duh doi ♪
You didn't tell me anything.
And that's actually not true,
'cause you were just saying something.
Yeah, about the girl from way back.
Oh, Carol, yeah.
Yeah, I guess she was the most serious thing I was ever in.
Oh man, I love the way
we talk about relationships.
Like they're a John Carpenter movie.
If we have any surprises for each other.
I don't think we're in much shape to do anything about it.
Best first date ever.
Hollywood Cemetery, check.
Body snatchers, check.
I would say to rephrase something from moments ago, duh doi.
Hey, I just want to say thank you for putting up with my BS.
Well, I've been known to fling some cow crap myself.
And like I tell our friends, you and I are like
Mike Meyers and October 31st.
Seriously though, I know I can be difficult,
and distant, you know, sometimes.
But... you make me feel safe.
Should I be worried about you?
Dude, you went to get us drinks and never came back
like 20 minutes ago.
Dude, I'm so sorry, I'm a little out of it.
Look, I don't want to be a dick, because I know
you're going through some shit.
But I'm pretty pissed off.
Look, this is my first and possibly only visit
to Los Angeles, maybe ever,
and you don't want to do anything!
And when you do, you're either disgruntled,
or you fucking disappear,
or you dumped out the whiskey shots.
Come on man, wake up, I haven't seen you
since like three Christmases ago.
I just want to have fun with my old friend,
and you're breaking my heart, dude.
You're right, you're right, I'm sorry.
This is my LA trip.
-I wanted to be a prosecutor. -God.
Oh, nothing, I'm just going insane.
Sure, the moment I realized my passion
would make you go insane.
No, no, no that's not what I'm saying.
I'm just sorry, I--
Well, we could go walk down that long hallway
or, if you are going insane, then maybe we could be edgy
and just stay here.
Perhaps getting caught would add a little--
Shit, I forgot about him.
Dude, what are you doing?
I was going to take the trash out, it started to fill up.
, No man, I've got my trash, go sit down.
I'll be right back, I'm sorry.
Hey, you're doing really good with him.
Just keep your confidence level high and just--
Late for kids.
Kid, is that you?
Kid, you back there?
We are gathered here today to unite Damien Booster
and Danielle Scott.
Wel-- welc-- welcome to the family.
You have my blessing, son.
[wedding march playing]
[Damien] Oh shit.
Danielle, repeat after me.
With this ring.
[Danielle] With this ring I thee wed,
[Damien] I don't see you!
Do you, Damien Booster
take Danielle Scott?
And, Danielle Scott,
do you take Damien Booster?
I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up, okay?
I love you, I love you, you have to know this,
you must know this, I love you!
Whoa, what's wrong?
Damien, you okay?
Hey, man, where's the trash?
-[Damien] Fuck this. -[Carol] Wait, what?
Hey, whoa, Damien.
-Excuse me! -I don't think that's such a good idea.
-I just don't think you should go in there. -Excuse me, lady!
Oh, my God! Whoa, guys, a little privacy, please.
Alan, I can't let you do this, okay?
Everything I've said is horse shit,
you deserve a real, untainted love, man.
No, no, he's right, I'm sorry, Shena.
You're an amazing girl and I feel so lucky,
-but, I love my girlfriend. -You have a girlfriend?
I know, I know I should have said something.
What the fuck?
[Alan] I got carried--
Really, a fucking girlfriend?
Here I am fucking butt ass naked in your bed
and you got a fucking girlfriend?
I had a wonderful time with you.
Oh, fuck off!
-I'm sorry. -[Shena] Fuck you!
Thanks for nothing, asshole, I can't believe I wasted my night off with you.
I should have known watching you in the bar
last night all mopey and weird that tonight would be
just as shit-tastic.
She remembered me.
I'm so embarrassed, you piece of shit.
Wait, wait, last night?
Yeah, you're buddy was there last night
being just as lame and pathetic as he was tonight.
[Alan] Damien, what the fuck?
I'm sorry man, okay?
Like you passed out and I couldn't go to sleep.
Dude, it's not just that, it's everything.
The whole trip has just been one big wash with you!
I know, I know, I know.
I fucked up, I fucked up, I'm a fuck up.
Okay, I fucked up Caroline's relationship.
I've self-sabotaged every single relationship since.
And, you know, I guess I did the same thing with you,
and I'm sorry dude, I'm an asshole.
Yeah, you did, asshole.
Mainly to people I care about.
Mainly to people you care about. [scoffing]
And you don't deserve that.
I'm sorry, you're my best friend, you've been my best friend
my whole life, and I love you, man, and I just--
Let's just save it.
I love you, man, and I'm really happy
for you and Natalie, like sincerely.
You kept me up all night, huh?
[Alan] Hey, bud, you didn't ruin my trip.
If anything, you made it more interesting.
Thank you for showing me just how much I love Natalie,
you da man, hope you will be my best man come next spring.
Love you dude, Alan.
♪ She ♪
♪ Snaps like a flag In the wind ♪
♪ And I ♪
♪ Will never be forgiven ♪
♪ These my sins ♪
♪ And I'm sitting here ♪
♪ Guess that's Natural selection ♪
♪ But I've had nights ♪
♪ With photograph protection ♪
♪ But I ♪
♪ Got a big bad love ♪
♪ But I ♪
♪ Got a big bad love ♪
Who is he?
Who was that guy?
♪ I ♪
♪ Got a big bad love ♪
♪ I've ♪
♪ Got nothing ♪
♪ Just words on withered pages ♪
♪ And I've known so long that I forgot to make changes ♪
♪ And I've had nights ♪
♪ When sorrow's bled me dry And I ♪
♪ I've been faced with unsayable goodbyes ♪
♪ But I, I got a big bad love ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ I got a big bad love ♪
♪ And the soles of my shoes ♪
♪ Worn as thin as my faith ♪
♪ And I guess I should Be heading home, honey ♪
♪ It seems it's getting late ♪
♪ Got to lay me down Inside my bed, uh-huh huh ♪
♪ With these memories of you ♪
♪ I pray someday that You could find ♪
♪ A way to love me too ♪
♪ 'Cause I ♪
♪ I got a big bad love ♪
♪ 'Cause I ♪
♪ I got a big bad love ♪
♪ 'Cause I ♪
♪ I got a big bad love ♪