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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Come Play With Me

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Play with me

Come play with me

Come baby play with me

Come on come on Take me by the hand

You and me can go to Some strange erotic land

You will see

That it's not as bad As it's made out to be

Not with me

We can go

Go on some magic carpet trip

And I know

We're into love And partnership

Wait and see

What the pleasures of the World can really be with me

Come play with me

Take me by the Hand and stay with me

Come away with me

Play with me

Come play with me

I can make you Wanna stay with me

What do ya say to me

Play with me


He doesn't like it.

He doesn't like it at all.


Have any of you been able to gather any further information?


It just isn't good enough.

The whole party could be in jeopardy if this

fiasco leaks out.

We've got to nip it in the bud.

As Minister of Finance,

I feel the solution should be to change to another color,

change the notes from blue to red or something.

No, no, no.

It just won't do.

How long do you think it would

take the organization to copy a new issue?

Last month, there were over a million in circulation.

No, no, no.

The only solution is to locate and apprehend the forgers.

Well, what suggestions have any of you have to make?

It's calamity.

If something isn't accomplished soon, heads will roll.

I believe that this is the work of an international gang,

probably working from the continent,

sponsored by you know whom.

I disagree.


Take a look at this map.

Of the past four months it appears

that the forgeries have been centralized

in limited areas of the country.

Cumberland, Yorkshire, and three weeks ago, Norfolk.

I would say that the organization

is operating right here in Britain,

probably a giant network with various headquarters

throughout the country.

I'd go along with that.

Gentlemen, you realize that each operation

appears to edge its way further down the country.

I will guarantee that the next outbreak

will be on the south coast, possibly somewhere in Sussex.

Get on, I see no point in wasting your valuable time.

I suggest you return to your duties.


I'd be obliged if you could stay behind

for a few more moments.

PODSNAP: Certainly, Minister.


Don't worry Minister, my country will back you up.

And Miss Dingle, I'd like you to remain as well.

You do realize that the bulk of the responsibility

lies with your department, don't you?

I do assure you Minister, we really are doing all we can.

I'm sure that we'll come up with something before long.

No doubt about it.

I've got some of my best undercover men full out.

Some of them isn't enough.

You have to get that whole branch out on this.

Now what about your key man?

What do you call him, 008 or something?

Regretfully, we lost him last month.


He's dead.

Oh dear.

How did it happen?

He caught the flu.

Oh, well nothing serious then.

Well, who else have you got?

What about your outside contacts?

I have one of my contacts lined up.

I expect to meet with him within the next few days.

I am waiting for confirmation.

You have nothing more to worry about.

Well please get on with it, man.

The situation is more serious than you could imagine.

I'll expect a report from you during the next few days.

I understand perfectly.

You may rely on me.

I intend to.

I shan't require you any further, Podsnap.

Right, thank you. Good morning, Minister.



I'm telling you, Sledge, they've both blown the gaff.

Yeah, there's not a bloody stick lift anywhere.

They've even got a bleedin' lock on the door.

Yeah, it's everything.

The machines, the plates, the object.

Do what?

All right, yeah, I'll come straight back to the club.



MAN: You're next, miss.



MAN: All right, Pete, now come on.

Give us some of that miss, I love your tempo.

Keep it going, keep it going.

Come on love, now look at you.

You're working, you're working too much.

Remember, you got the house full.

Now keep it going.

Lovely, and then you girls here.

Watch her, watch her, that's it, now keep it going.

Now turn, turn, that's it, keep it going.

Smile at the audience, now come on.

That's the way I want it.

Come on, give it a bit more swing.

Go, come on grind, thump 'em, thump 'em.

Class, what bleedin' class.

When I found her, she was knocking out

M Burger and Chips in Oxford Street.

Now look at her.

She's a bleeding star, man.

Well you know how to pick them, don't you?

It's like, I mean, you were probably a little

low grade, aren't you?

Well, there's nothing to it maybe but the theatrical eye.

There's many of 'em but if you've got it, you're made.

Now, you listen to me son and you learn.


Come on, get your bleeding arses off of the wood.

You're on next.

Mr. S, I got here as soon as I could.

Hang about, mate.

Can't you see that an artist's working?

All right, now, come on.

Keep it going, keep it going.

Where's that other bloody girl, Rosa?

She was supposed to be on at 11.

All right, come on. What the bleeding hell have you got to tell me?

Like I told you on the phone, they've scarpered

locks got them bleeding down.

Well, they've gotta be found.

We can't have them two bleeding kids

running around willy nilly.

I mean, if someone else gets their hands

on them plates, mate, we're in dead trouble,

we're out of business.

Supposing the old bill gets their hands on it.

Oh come on, don't start being morbid, Norman.

The law wouldn't look twice at 'em.

Now what we've gotta do is get the lad to sort out

all the crooked fences in London.

I mean, they've got to be on the manor somewhere.

They haven't got enough to take them further afield

and if they start moonlighting again,

it's gonna fall into our hands right here

where we can put 'em bang to rights.

Here, let me have a look at that.


We should never have done a bank like that, never.


Oh yes...

Now they'll catch up with us,

sure as my name's Maurie Kelly.

They will, they'll be on our tail before we can look round.

Utter bloody ridiculous.

How do you think they're gonna find us in this wilderness?

Now look, Maurie, the plates are mine.

I engraved them and you've printed them.

They're ours by right.

And will you tell them that when they catch up with us?

Yes, but they won't.

Look, by the information on this document,

we can't be very far from there.

I would say at the next crossroads,

that will lead us to Bovington.

Yeah, well could we stop at the next pub?

I'm starving.

My dear old friend, fortitude.

Once there, nourishment awaits.



Psst, psst, psst.


There you are.

Can we offer you a tea or some beverage?

I'd better have a cup of tea.

It'll look less conspicuous if I appear

to be taking some refreshment.

Ah, one tea and a cup of oxol, please.

Get your arse mobile and come and get it.

I didn't bring my skates today.

And there's no need for rudeness.

Now, I'll have one tea and a cup of oxol, please.

And I'll have one of these buns with,

would you like a bun with icing?

No, just the one bun with the icing, please.

Now 17p.

Yes, thank you.

I love these buns with icing on and you can't

get them everywhere, you know.

Can we get down to the business in hand?

Oh yes, yes, yes indeed, Mr. Podsnap, yes.

Now what can I do for you?

For God sake, don't call me Podsnap.


You never know who's within earshot.

Call me Q.


Oh yes, yes I'm sorry, I do apologize.

I remember that you said Q?

Yes, now what can I do for you, Mr. Q?

What do you think of that?

Oh yes, well, very nice.

I had one myself once, you see, beautiful texture.

Yes yes yes yes yes, but what do you see?

Well, it's 20 quid isn't it, Mr. Q?

Right man, but what do you see about it?

Well, I mean it's a very funny parchment.

It's a forgery.


Well well well, now that is beautiful.

I've seen some ones in my time

but that is a gem and no mistake.

Right, well this is very much on the QT

but the old country's flooded with them.

My department has given me the assignment

to ferret out the source.

And very good at it you'll be I'm sure, Mr. Q.

I've got the entire bunch working on it

but I need your assistance from the other side.

Oh, I see.

I would assume your contacts

can be of great assistance here.

Establishments you inhabit must be a breeding ground of

distribution of a large percentage of these illicit notes.

I need your help in this area.

Yes, yes, I see what you mean.


Well, now, I believe I can be of assistance to you.

See now, I work with an associate, who's

in on the inside, as it were.

Now I make my contact with her and you can meet me tonight.

Wherever you say.

Yes, the Burlesque, 11:30.

I'll be there.


And I don't need to tell you,

that the whole thing is very

entre nous.

Ooh, that's nasty, yes.

Bad talk, Mr. Podsnap.

No, no you'll remain until after I've left.

We mustn't be seen leaving together.

I'll see you this evening.

I'll have another tea, 20 francs,

and another one of those lovely iced buns.

How'd you expect me to change that?

You think this is the Bank of Bleedin' England?

Thank you.



Going to your chest, see?


Ah reception.

Oh good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

My name is Clapworthy, Cornelius Clapworthy.

My colleague, Dr. Morris Kelly of Harris Conservatory.

Oh, Mr. Clapworthy, I'm delighted to see you.

I'm Lady Bovington, the principal at Bovington Manor.

We were getting a bit agitated about you, you know?

According to your letter you were due to arrive yesterday.

Yes, I'm afraid our journey was somewhat delayed.

However, our conveyors managed the hazardous conditions

of some of your roads here.

And well here we are.


Ah well, I hope you'll find the journey's end

was worth the journey.

I'm sure you'll both find peace and tranquility here

and that our treatment will restore your health completely.

That, dear lady, is our devout desire.

We have some luggage outside, if you have someone,

assistance would be much appreciated.

Oh yes, by all means.


I'll ring for Mr. McGyver.

Mr. McGyver is my chef de guerre.

Hey, what about the nosh I'm starving.

Restraint Morrie, restraint.


Now then gentlemen, this is my Mr. McGyver,

a treasure beyond measure if I may say so.

Mr. McGyver would you give Mr. Kelly a hand there.

I'll handle the personal effects in the car.



Good gravy.

You have come kitted out for all eventualities.

Any more hand luggage?

You will look up there yonder, my lady.

There's another one out there as big as that.

I don't know how you're gonna get

them up to the master bedroom.

Oh go on Mr. McGyver, don't give us that.

We are convinced that you can overcome.

It's not right.


Ah you see, you're thinking it's a lot of gear.



Musicians, see, what can you do with a ...


Have you ever heard my friend play?


Fat, poo.

Good or bad?

Oh good, good.

In this case is his organ.

It's the original one.

The original one that that Chopin knocked out

some of his best preludes on.

Oh yes, I'd give him a top line,

no more and he's away like the clappers.

Mind you we have to practice a lot.

Oh yes, so if my any chance you should happen to hear

do me a favor, take our listen ...

Don't worry, Mr. Kelly.

I'm tickled pink to think you should have

chosen dear old Bovington as a venue for the arts.

You haven't got any other musicians here have you?

No, regrettably, not latterly.

My dear brother, the late Septimus Bovington, he was a ...

He's dead?


Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

He was a tremendous supporter

to the arts.

Oh, during his lifetime the whole house was crammed

to the attics with music and merriment.

Oh nice.

He left us all the too soon alas.

Only two legacies.

Oh really?

The house and Lord Rodney.

Lord Rodney?

My nephew, bless him.

My late brother's boy.

He's carried on thank goodness, where his father left off.

At the moment he's in France with his ballet.

Of course, I was forgetting.

You reside in Paris with your friend, don't you?

Oh how exciting, Rodney has

probably played on your able batons.

Pretty girl

Oh la la la oh la La la pretty girl

P is for the pouting lips That make me want to kiss you

R is for the rainbow that Is dancing in your eyes

E is for the ever present Smile that lights your face up

T is for the tenderness And love that never dies

Pretty girl Come with me

And I'll buy you all The nice things you adore

Pretty girl stay with me

And you'll never Have to worry anymore

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, what're you doing?

Look wait till you start that again.

I told you go see your chest.

I'm sorry.

Here's the thing other is you've taken this side of the bed.

I have, I have.

What are all these documents?

Hardly educational, very good articles in here.

May I see them?

Yes, by all means.

Thank you.

There you are.

Oh my goodness, this is most interesting.

Oh Morrie, this is the one I'm after.



Yes I must say, this I could learn to live with.

CLAPWORTHY: I'm glad you like it.

You know for once Clapworthy,

you've come up with the real McCoy.

Here we don't have to dress for dinner do we?

I think we should.

Remember we're in a very different league now.

I think we're a little off course.

Maybe we should've taken that last cut off

the intersection on the motorway we were on.

Hang on, hold it, Jesus I'm doing the best I can.

I'm sure we're almost on top.

You've been saying that now for the last three hours.

Darling I think this is just too bloody much.

We've been creeping up and down bloody lanes all day.

If I see one more bloody babbling brook

I'll throw up I promise you I will.

I'm hungry.


You all had fish and chips when we landed at Dover.

Big deal.

That was yesterday.

It was not yesterday, it was last night.

ALL: Big deal.

Look the sooner you get off my back, let me get a move on,

the sooner we get there, right?

As soon as we get there we can all sort ourselves out.


For god's sake be careful with that stuff.

You'll blow the bloody place up.

Why what's in it?

It's my own special formula.

I use it for etching the plates.


There it is.

Told you so, Bovington Manor.

Ancestral home for the past 500 years.


Oh listen Mr. McGyver, oh the memories.


Now who ever on earth can that be?

I better go outside and have a look.



Aunty love I'm home.

Rodney, what utter bliss to see you.

I thought you were still in Paris, you naughty boy.

Yes, but I'll tell you about that

as soon as we've gotten unpacked.

Yes darling and you must ask

all your little friends to stop to tea.

Absolutely, splendid.

Don't worry about the girls Aunty, they love to mix

and mingle with the guests that sort of thing, you know.

But there are no guests dear.

That's just the point.

At least except two gentlemen who arrived this afternoon.

No guests, but I thought you'd

turned the place into a health farm?

No guests, positively not.

And consequently I fear no money either.

Not for want of trying.

Success has not been as one envisaged it.

I even inserted a discreet advertisement in the Lady

but the only answer I got was

from the two gentlemen I mentioned.

So you see darling, however delightful it would be

to have all these young people staying here,

for me to accommodate such a large party at the moment

would be financially impossible.

You mean the Bovington health farm

consists of you and McGyver?

I'm afraid so, my darling.

But this is ridiculous Aunty.

Health farms all over the country are making a fortune.

This place, having this place

is like a license to print money.


I've got an idea.


Morrie, prepare yourself for a new life.

In these surroundings, we can work undisturbed.

Peace and tranquility as part of our fortune.

I take it the plate is not damaged.

No they're as good as new, believe me.

They don't make them like this anymore.

When do we get cracking?

Possibly tomorrow.

Aye, what about that McGyver?

And that lady, watchamacall it?

You don't think they'll tweak do you?

No, not in a million years.

They'll never hear the sound of this over that organ.

We've found the perfect setup.





Wakey, wakey, rise and shine.


Morrie, will you stop doing that?


Good morning.


Good morning, I believe you must be in the wrong room.

Ah, no she isn't.

We're ready for you.

No, no there must be some mistake.

No mistake, no mistake.

Are you coming?


Oh no you're not.

Now we're here for the cure, you know.

But we are the cure.

Oi, I knew there had to be something

more than nuts and cold water.

No you're not.

This is most irregular.

Yeah, perhaps they're part of the treatment.


Will you please leave our room immediately?

Come on girls let's get them.



Oh my god, I can't stand much more of this.

My goodness, get me out of here darling.

I can't stand it, I can't.

Okay Mr. Kelly?

My god.


Morrie, come back.



Something I can do for you chum?

Oh I'm looking for a gentleman.

No gentleman in here, it's all crumpet.



Oh you misunderstand me.

I'm to meet a business associate here for drinks.

Oh yes?

Come on, I'll find you a bottle and a table.

Thank you, very nice of you.

There you are love, sit yourself down.

You've got a nice view of the stage.

You sure you don't fancy a cup of red?

Oh no thank you, I'll just wait here

for my friend if you don't mind.

We've got some lovely...

No thank you, no thank you.

I'm alright thank you.

Suit yourself. [SNAPS FINGERS]

Bottle of wine for the gentleman.


What do you think Mr. Q?

Couldn't you have chosen a more secluded place than here?

You've got to realize we're on very secretive work.

Oh don't worry Mr. Q.

In this city, there's nothing.

You can be very safe in this environment.

You see, the patrons are more

interested in unveiling talent.

I see your point.

Now to business.

When will you meet with your associate?

Ah yes, yes, now that's a good question, good question.

Any minute now, she works here as a hostess.


Are you mad?

No, I'm hardly that Mr. Q.

Where better to infiltrate the privacies of the mobs?

Now she's my inside man as it were.

Now I've made my presence known and she'll come over

and you'll be expected to meet like you fancy her,

so to speak.

Fancy her?

But I can't do that, I'm a married man of 20 years.

Oh I'm sorry to hear that.

Well pretend to fancy.

To avert suspicion.

I would have thought it's hardly my line of country,

I would have thought it, well...

WOMAN: May I sit down?

Ah yes please do.

Make yourself comfortable.

This is my friend Mr. Q.

This is Christina I was telling you about.

Delighted to meet you my dear.

I hope you will join us in some refreshment.

I would love to.

I take it our colleague here has given you

the relative information regarding our assignment?

Yes, to a point.

It's all very undercover, you...


Of course.

Mr. Nosegay has acquainted me with your talents.



I mean your talents regarding...

Yourself as an agent.

I'm your girl.


We believe that a large proportion of the counterfeit notes

can possibly be passed in places such as this.

We want you to keep your eyes peeled.

And if you notice anything out of the ordinary being passed

contact Nosegay here immediately.

He's in constant contact with me.

Yes, but what am I to look for exactly?

I mean, how am I meant to distinguish

between the duds and the real thing?

Ah very little I'm afraid.

One of the most remarkable examples

of engraving I've seen in many a day.


The only defect is the highlight in her majesty's left eye.

Goodness me, it's perfect.

Regrettably nearly so.

Nevertheless, we'll get the scoundrels.


Very few villains have slipped passed me by Jove I tell you.

I can tell that just by looking at you.

Yes, well let's drink to the success of our mission.


Well I've enjoyed our brief greeting.

I hope we shall meet again in the near future.

Nosegay keep in contact ...


Close contact.

And till we meet again.



Missed it.

Thank you, I beg your pardon.

I'm awfully sorry.

Oh that's quite alright, young matey.

Oh you're very nice, thank you very much.

Oh there's my boyfriend.

You don't need me anymore do you?

I must go and earn my living.

Yes, that's right love you're gonna tend his every need.

And the best of luck.

Hello girl.

Hey Norman.

Had a good day?

No, baby thing by the tunnel, must have lost its way.

Come on lass, dancing on three links.

The trouble with you mate is you don't study.

You want to get anywhere you've got to study.

Love the show John, and don't forget Sammy.

Alright John playing the records

and very good evening to you.

And welcome and it's smokey, we seem to be

full tonight folks and now we're gonna see her again

and all the sexiest things in Soho I tell you.


Now here's one, what about this Norman?

Come over tomorrow at 3:30.

Could be. I was sick out of Brighton.

Look at that bleeding horse up there.

Who booked her in?

She'd be better off with her bleeding saddle on.

Look at the goes she's gotten, mate.

She wouldn't be much of a ride either.


Oh for Christ's sake pay her,

tomorrow makes you put the puppets off of women.

Now what about it Norman?

You gonna have a go on Mimona?

Or maybe not if I've been on the nose.

I'll have a muggie on the name.

I'd like to bet on her if you think it stands a chance.

Oh I know you with your bleeding flutters.

The last time you flut a bet

I never saw the color of the goat.

You want, put your money where your mouth is.

Now what you want on it?

Oh, you did alright tonight.

Right, 20 pound on the nose.

They're killing us.

Morris, enough is enough.

In any case we haven't wanted to go further afield.

And remember our purpose here.

I know the purpose.

If I have to go through that fashion every day,

we'll never live to spend it.

We've gotta stick it out.

What's the matter with you?

Sod you.

If you wanna stay, you stay.

I'm getting back to civilization.

Here, Morrie, come back.

Where the hell do you think you're going?


It's great to be here

There never ever Ever could be here

Anyway else for we

This is where we want to be

Enjoying ourselves

It wouldn't be right

To go on criticizing Anywhere nice as this

There is such great happiness

If for everyone

We're getting free exercise

No bread on your ties

It's good for us

We're beginning to feel

That this is the Real shangri la

There's nothing on Earth

Would ever make us try to Leave all our friends behind

When we're so Well wined and dined

It's great to be here

It's great to be here

And there never ever could Be anywhere else for we

This is where we want to be

Here enjoying ourselves

It wouldn't be right

To go on criticizing Anywhere nice as this

There is such great happiness

Here for everyone

We're getting free exercise

No bread on your tie

It's good for us

We're beginning to feel that This is the real shangri la

There's nothing on Earth

Would ever make us try to Leave all our friends behind

When you're so Well wined and dined

It's great to be here



Bovington Manor.

Week of the 31st.

Week of the 31st.

Yes, I think I can fit you in

with a double room for that date.

Will you be taking the full course?

Oh yes, we include colonic irrigation, when requested.

Oh certainly, our young ladies handle all the treatments.

Oh thank you, that would be most gracious of you.

A slight deposit would be much appreciated.

Well thank you again, goodbye.

What the hell is colonic irrigation, Mr. McGyver?

I haven't the foggiest, have you?

Colonic irrigation.

Well there's nothing to it.

It's a kind of foot massage.

Very beneficial for the patient

to have to take brisk early morning walks.

Oh I see.

Good morning miss.

I'm due here, it says on the card.

Oh yes, you're down for our 2:30 appointment.

Would you like to take off your gown

and go and lie on your tummy over on the couch?

Right you are.

Thank you very much, thank you, thank you.

That's lovely.

Take off your pants.

Is that really necessary?

I mean...

You're down for irrigation aren't you?

Yes, yes, well actually I've got an ache

across my shoulder here and the ladyship

outside said it would do me good.

So I came along.

Oh well I suppose it might help.

Now Mr. Benjamin no need to be shy, off with them.

No I don't suppose there's really...

Nothing to worry about.

You've seen it all before, haven't you?

Oh yes, we'll give you a little massage first,

that'll relax you.

My first time here you know.

No need to worry.

My wife recommended I come along because...

Oh we'll sort you out.

Oh thank you very much.

Oh charming, beautiful.


MR BENJAMIN: I never dreamed it would be like this.

If this is irrigation give me more.

Give me more, more, more.

Oh more please, please.

Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop.

No I won't Mr. Benjamin.

Oh it's heavy.

There was nothing to worry about was there?

No not at all, not all, nothing at all.

Oh yes, I like that, I like that.


Oh yes, oh.

Mr. Benjamin you are hard.

Your core muscles really need relaxing.

Yes, oh yes they do, don't they?

Yes, yes keep it coming.


There you're much more relaxed now, aren't you?

Oh yes, thank you, thank you very much.



Now for irrigation.

I thought that was it, irrigation.

That's not irrigation?

Oh no Mr. Benjamin.

Stay there, we'll sort you out.

Charming lady, charming.

Now this Mr. Benjamin is irrigation.



This is the gaff.

That's what I call bleedin' class, what do you think Chris?

Well looks alright from the outside.

What the hell do we want to come

all this way just for a weekend though?

I'd have rather gone to Brighton.

You've got no appreciation of bloody beauty have you?

You can't see these sorts of sceneries down south.

Last time we was at Brighton,

all we saw was the bleedin' water.

Come on, let's go inside.


May I be of assistance to you?

Yes sir, we booked reservations.

Blitz the name, Norman Blitz.

You'll be needed over yon, to sign the reservation.

Have you any other baggage with you?

Oh yes, the rest of it's outside in the Mercedes.

You can't miss it, it's the only one there.

I'll attend to that for you.

You better go over to the yon desk and meet her ladyship.

Oh, her ladyship?

Oh yes, come on Chris.

You'll find some luggage out there in the Mercedes.

The ladyship will give you...

Can I help you?

Oh yes madam, we've made reservations.

Blitz the name, Norman Blitz.


Ah yes, here we are.

Welcome to Bovington Hall, Mr. Blitz.

We have the most delightful rooms for you.

Thank you.


I only booked one.

Oh yes, I do apologize about that.

All our doubles were fully booked.

However, I'm sure you'll find

these reservations extremely comfortable.

Delightful views over the grass moors.

Jesus Christ.

It's a pity you're only staying for the long weekend.

However, not to worry we at Bovington

can work wonders in a minimal space of time.


Can't wait.

Now these are two of our young ladies, Josie and Tess.

I tell you what I suggest, as you can only stay here

for such a very short time, I suggest Tess and Josie

conduct you to the baths as soon as you're ready.

Sooner the better, eh?

Can't wait to take a few pounds off.





What the hell are you doing here?

Rod, I don't believe it.

I thought you were still in Paris.

Anyway what's all this "what am I doing here?"

What the hell are you doing here, you bastard?

Last time I saw you was in Newcastle

when you left me with nothing

but a bloody paste engagement ring.

And what I thought at the time was a bun in the oven.

You weren't preggers were you darling?

Well no, it's no thanks to you.


Darling, let me explain.

Explain, forget it.

If it hadn't been for me bumping into a very old friend

of mine who I met while landed up there

with no cash and waiting for you,

I could have been stuck up there forever.

Pet, really I didn't mean it.

I was dropped right in the cart.

You know, I was supposed to come back to England from Paris

the week after I left you in Newcastle.

Well that shit of a partner of mine

ducked off in the middle of the night,

left me stranded with the six girls

I took over for a strip club engagement.

Apart from them all I had was a bloody bus.

We had to sell everything, all our resources just to get back to England.

What are you doing here?

I mean, surely they don't have strip shows here.

My aunt owns the manor.

What? That old woman?

Lady whatever her name is?

RODNEY: Right, the place was a shambles.

We barely managed to make it here.

But I turned it into what it is now.

And what about the birds?

They're the staff.

Them and some poor old son called McGyver.

And as you can see it's all happening.

Where do I come into it?


Where we left off if you want?

You know something Rodney?

You have to be the most complete and utter bastard

of the very first order.

You see nothing's changed.

And you still fancy me, don't you?

Give yourself a chance to find out.

Look I can't go away now,

I've got to go and take care of reception.

But keep yourself open for this evening.

Do you know the number of my room?

Don't need it, won't be necessary.

There are...

Certain things happening tonight.

Be at the pool, 12 o'clock.

The pool?

You must be joking.

Surely we must be passed having it away

on the concrete by now, aren't we?

It won't be like that.

Just make sure you're there, and the rest

I'll take care of.

I can imagine.

I've been in vogue with your bright ideas before, remember?


Pretty girl

Oh la la la oh la La la pretty girl

P is for the pouting lips That make me want to kiss you

R is for the rainbow that Is dancing in your eyes

E is for the ever present Smile that lights your face up

T is for the tenderness And love that never dies

Pretty girl Come with me

And I'll buy you all The nice things you adore

Pretty girl stay with me

Come along Mr. Wilson.

And you'll never Have to worry anymore

Down here.


You've got a bit of a grip there, haven't you?

Strong little girl, aren't you?

Can't understand why my brother ever

suggested doing it after having one of these.

That's not a bad idea I suppose.


Totem poles, eh?

Well what do you mean by that?




Hi there.

That sure is fun, I'll tell you.

Young lady, I'll recommend you any day of the week.

That's most unusual.

That's better than peanut oil I'll tell you that.

And more, fun too.

Oh boy.

I'm looking forward to this.

I hope you've got strong hands.

Don't worry for that.

I could do with some rough handling today.

Just relax.

Where did you learn your...

Oh I had a good training in Paris.

I was trained for a few months there

and I did quite a lot of massages.

Paris, Paris, France, oh happy memories.

GIRL: Yes, have you been there?

Many, many, many times.

Oh that's beautiful, that's beautiful.


I am, I am.

I'm gonna be asleep any minute now.


Come back here.

Come along now ladies, it's time for your class.

Down the corridor over there.

Hey what's been the matter with you these past few days?

Nothing at all why?

Come on girls.



Pretty girl stay with me


Cause you know how To set my heart on fire

Pretty girl Come with me

And I'll buy you all The nice things you adore

Pretty girl stay with me

And you'll never Have to worry anymore

Pretty girl come with me

And I'll buy you all The nice things you adore

Pretty girl stay with me

And you'll never Have to worry anymore

The Minister said the south coast, Brighton.

I'll go there incognito.





Hey what's your bleeding go?

Nothing, nothing I'm just waiting to be served.

Piss off, I'll give you a right hand there.


Come to the walk, lovely grub here.

Could you give me a glass of water please?

Sorry mate, there's no tap.

I'll tell you what you can have,

you can have a nice cup of that.



Well looky if it's not be drag,

what are you doing here, ey darling?

Ladies toilet's around the corner ey.

What're you got in your bag?

Keep your knitti'' in there, do ya?

Do you mind not speaking to me like that?

Oh getting a bit narced is she?

What are you going through your change of life then darling?

Would you mind keeping your salacious remarks

for people of your own elk?

Salacious ey, that's a big word for a little girl.

You cretin, how dare you speak to me like that.

You ought to be in uniform.

Two years discipline will do you good.

Would put some manners into you.

Listen here, if you don't keep that big cake hole

of yours you're gonna get my fist in it, see?

Don't you dare touch me, I'll have the law on you.

BOTH: She's in with the law.

I reckon we ought to rough her up.

Don't you dare touch me.

What do you make of that then?

Here, let's get after the little bastard.

Now come to the old Brighton, the place to make you smile.

We're glad you came to see our show

and laugh with us a while.

As you sit there in the sun and listen to our puns,

you'll know there's no place

like Brighton to have a bit of fun.

Now all you are enjoying yourselves?

ALL: Yeah.

Are you all enjoying yourselves?

ALL: Yeah.

Well la la la la la.

Thank you.

La la la la la la la la

Just a minute, just a minute.

Ah bollocks.

Charming, well there's no answer for that.

La la la la la

Where the sodding hell has he gone?

Ah he must have headed away

a bit sharpish down the other end of the pier.

We'll never find him in that crowd.

These streets are flies.

Explain, look over here.

Come inside, in.

Let me read you, let me read you.

What are we gonna do now then?

Tell you what let's go and give that basher

of a comedian a bit of our grill, eh?

Yeah, good idea.

Now what's it gonna be?

The ball, the cards or the hand?

What? Oh I don't want to buy anything.

Oh no, you don't understand.

You see you can have the ball, the cards or the hand.

Cause I've got the fluency to use them all.


Shut up you silly bugger.

GYPSY: I'm sorry sir, now what's it gonna be?

Ball, the card or the hand?

Well, whatever you suggest.

Oh I am glad you said that sir.

Cause looking at you, I'd say the hand

with a little bit of the ball thrown in.

I must tell ya, in all fairness

the hand is a little bit dearer.

Why it says outside the entire reading for one pound?

Oh you're dead right on that score, sir.

GYPSY: Of course, being a Romany I have to cost my every silver,

you do understand, don't you?

I see.

GYPSY: Don't delve too deep sir.

50 pence pieces if you please sir.

Ah that's alright.

Now give me your hand, your left one.

And let us see what we can see.

Oh, there's plenty here.

As plain as the nose on my face.

You've had trouble with a man, haven't ya?

Two men actually.

GYPSY: No there's only one man and he's in high place.

And you're on a quest and I can see stones.

Have you had an illness recently?

No not that I can think of.


No I had a touch of bronchitis the last month.

No it's not that.

I can only see stones, you're surrounded by them.

Are you sure you haven't had any trouble

with your waterworks?

Quite sure.

GYPSY: All I can see is stones.

Stones and stones.

Stones, it's Brighton Beach.

They're the stones.

I'm on the right path.

No, no you're not where you should be.

You're on a quest and it's further afield.

But you're gonna travel,

that's that line there that tells me that.

But I think I'll look at the ball.

Ah yes, it's coming clearer now.

Here we are.

There's someone, very high up, who's gonna drop a load

of trouble on your shoulders.


Oh I am sorry sir.

But you see since he's been living on the pier

I haven't been able to get him house trained.

But wait a minute.

Oh it's coming through now, yes.

I've got to be very blunt about this.

Have you had anything to do with any women lately?

No not that I can think of.

GYPSY: Well I can see the letter C.




Could it be Christopher?


Ah, it's coming very near now.

I think I'll use me cards.

Oh please do, do try the cards.

Tell me more, tell me more.

GYPSY: Now sit quiet sir.

You sit there and I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm going to let it come out all natural like.

Tell me.

Tell me.

You are going where birds fly free.



Look for the stones.

Oh dear, I'm exhausted.

I've told you everything.

I've given you a double helping of everything.

The balls, the cards and the hand.

I think I ought to charge you a little bit more,

it's only fair, isn't it?

Blimey, I can't change this.

Now you're sure I've got to look for the stones?

You can depend upon it.

You can take the word of a Romany.


Lies, all lies.

I'll kill you, you bastard.

Would you like an extra slice of lemon, Mr. Kelly?

Thank you.

You certainly manage to find the best places

for a swinging weekend, don't you?

It'll do you good,

take some weight off your arse.

I've never had any complaints about my arse

as you so delicately put it up until now.

Look do me a favor, keep quiet and get on with it.

Aye, aye, what's this?

What is that?

Oh, it's nothing much.

Well if it's nothing much can I have a look at it please?


Swimming Pool Midnight.

How weird, of course you're not going are you?

Of course not, don't be silly.

Did you manage to get all the cards out?

Yes everybody's got one.

Well except the two nutters down at the end there.

Rodney told us not to take any chances with them.

Oh you mean Clapworthy and Kelly.


Oh I shouldn't think they'd

add much vigor to the proceedings.

You can say that again.

Although in a funny kind of way,

I feel rather sorry for them.

Just look at their faces.



Stay with me

Come stay with me

Come baby play with me

Come on, come on Take me by the hand

You and me, we'll go to Some strange erotic land

You will see that it's not As bad as it's made out to be

Not with me

We can go, go on Some magic carpet trip

And I know, we're into Love and partnership

Wait and see what The pleasures of the World can really be

With me

Well what do you think of it?

Was it worth getting out of bed for?

Oh when you left me your card I had other ideas in mind.

Everything in good time.

Not bad for a start this.

Oh come along now, I'm sure we can tackle

some champagne and caviar, can't we?

Well you are the travel agent.

There we are, how were you able to get away?

I had a nice, little, secluded romantic spot

you've managed to pick for us I see.

Don't worry, I've got it all arranged.

Slip through that entrance over there,

and in the meadow you'll see a potting shed,

I'll meet you there in a couple of minutes.

You've got to be bloody well joking.

I'm absolutely famished.

I haven't eaten all day.

And certainly, if you really think I made you feel randy

sprawled out there amongst the tomato plants

and horse manure, you've got another thing coming.

Don't worry, I've got everything you need.

I sort it all before this shit started.

Don't I always think of everything?

No need to tell me that one.

I must be mad to even consider this.

Sweetie, rely on me.

Only I could.

Alright then, but if this is another

of your bright little ideas that goes wrong,

your feet won't touch the ground.

Cross my heart.

Now go on, off you go, and I'll meet

you there in a couple of minutes.

Don't you let me down.

Maria, can you hold the fort by the till a little while?

I've got a little bit of business I've got to attend to.

Yes, I know.

I saw the bit leaving.

Go on have fun.


Hello where you off to?

Well I've got some unfinished business to do,

you know what I mean?

Yeah, good luck with that.


Come on.

But the door's open.

Don't worry they won't find us in this part of the manor.

Come on.



What's wrong Morrie?

Can you smell it?

It's in the room.

I can't smell anything.

Food, it's food, I can smell it.

Go to sleep Morrie, it's hallucinations.

You usually get them when you're in a weak state,

now just go to sleep.

I'll tell you I can't stand it.

It's killing me.


Here, here did you hear that?


They're laughing at us.

I can't hear anything, no.

I'll tell you they're laughing at us.

Up there, up there, they're laughing.

They're laughing at me.

Who is?


They're laughing at me.

It's my own fault, it's all them,

them schmucks I cheated and turned over all me life.

They're laughing at me up there.

See my mother, she used to say to me,

"Morrie, you'll come to no good Morrie.

"I'm telling you Morrie, you'll come to no good."

She wanted me to go into gowns and glasses.

You look very good in them as well you know that.

"Gowns and glasses," she used to say.

Now that's a living.

So why did you become a printer?

My mother's brother, it was his fault.

He was in the business.

Became some kind of partnership with him.

He used to print Russian cards, pedal coupons,

cut part tickets, all quality gear.

I used to distribute.


So I was out grafting one day, Chelsea Wolverhampton,

I think it was, oh what a day.

I was selling the tickets fiver a time.

Do you know, I had a wad of notes in me pocket

like a roll of liner, oh what a day oh.

Go on.

One night when I got back to the office,

the law got Uncle Mendle.

I didn't know that.

Two years they give him.

So all of a sudden I found myself managing director, didn't I?

I thought well I'll go into a better quality type of goods.

Passports, diplomas, something with a bit of finesse.

Well for this I needed a good engraver.

That's how you met me.


I met you.

I should've stayed in gowns and blouses,

instead I find myself in this machine of a place,

starving to death.

Look, for goodness sake go to sleep.

In a couple of weeks we'll have enough money here

to get out and you can eat yourself to death.

Now go to sleep for god's sake.

Yeah, well...

Sorry if I disturbed you.

Well you are disturbing me, so go to sleep.

I thought I could smell food.

Well go to sleep I can't smell anything.


What's the matter?

Morrie, you aggravate me.

You just plain aggravate me.

Where you going?

I'm going to have a pee do you mind?

Where are you going?


Go back to bed, you've already been.

Go back to bed.


What's that?

Oh it's nothing don't worry about it.


I must say this really is the most enchanting room.

So unexpected coming across a place like this

so off the beaten track.

And jolly decent of you to bring

this up to the room personally.

I mean you do understand it would be rather embarrassing

somebody in my position, I can't very well be down there.

You do understand.

GIRL: Don't give it another thought, Sutcher.

Please call me Jeffrey.


And I do understand, we here at the manor always have

the interests of our guests at heart.

I was rather hoping that this was going to be, well

a little bit more than shall we say,

a service of the establishment.

Well we do try to please.



Bloody hell darling, you could have waited.

I couldn't, I'm ravenous.

More like ravishing.

What a wonderful idea in fact.


Wait it's wrong with a fist.


I've waited so long.


Oh, I'm coming.



Well Rodney you look a bit baggy

around the eyes this morning.

You must have rung the bell well and truly last night.

Don't mind about that, how did it all go last night?

Pretty well, although I've a few things to clear up

with the girls before we start today's maneuvers.

Okay, let's get started.

We mustn't slack now everything's going so well for us.

Come on, get the girls in order.

Okay, come on girls.


Quiet please.

Thank you.

Alright, let's go through today's briefing.

First of all, I think we can up the temperature

in the steam room a little.

That will help get rid of some

of the booze they consumed last night.

I think perhaps Tess you'd better take over this job.

But that's my job.

Well Pit, look what's already happened.

You nearly asphyxiated six of our residents already.

No, I think perhaps you'd better take care

of the midday carrot juice instead.

And whilst we're on that subject,

Nandy love while you're efforts are appreciated,

no really they are, really,

however perhaps a little less verb.

Sir Jeffrey is unable to get out of bed this morning

and poor Mr. Nimblies is walking

around looking like a road map.

And as for you Patsy, poor Mr. Callingsworth was taken

to Bovington General Hospital this morning,

suffering from severe lacerations.

We had to tell the doctor he was hit by a falling tree.

But we all know what happened, don't we?

Well he did ask for the full treatment.

Well I'll overlook it just this once,

but don't let it happen again.

Alright let's get the ramble organized

through the woods for this afternoon.

That should perk up the taste buds for the evening.


Not on your life darling.

I can hardly keep awake now.

We've been up all night and all this physical activity

during the day, it's just too bloody much.

If I see anymore greenery, I'll just go out of my mind.

I promise you I will.

Why doesn't the Amazon take care of it?

Patsy how bout it?

Okay, book me in for the cross country.

Right, anymore questions or suggestions?

Yes, when do we retire?

RODNEY: If we keep going as we have been

we should be able to skate through

to the next London season.

Thank god for that.

Quiet everybody, I think I can hear McGyver.

We don't kill the golden goose now do we?

Oh good morning sir.

What can I do for you?

Oh I'm down for some treatment this morning.

Ah, yes, have you been to the manor before?

Ah then I'll get one of our young maidens

to show the way through.



Would you like to show Mr. Blitz

the way through to the steam room, please.

Yes certainly.

Would you like to follow me sir?

Take me anywhere you like love.

Do us a favor Mr. Clapper, let's get out of here.

I'll be satisfied with what we've got.

I'm wasting away.

Listen Morris.

Just a few more days and we'll have reached our target.

Every pound we lose in here will be worth two and a half

I'll keep them rooted on the outside.

Well I'm not a greedy man.

I'll be happy with what we've got.


Now make yourself comfortable in here Mr. Blitz

and I'll be back in half an hour.

Alright darling.

Bye bye.


These seat are half bleeding hot, aren't they?

That's better.

I've never been in a place like this before.

Suppose this is the place to take the weight off, eh?

Blitz the name.

Norman Blitz.

Nice, couldn't hear you.

This, I'm new to all this lark, you know?

You'll get used to it.

And there's nothing like sweating to chill you out, is there?

Sweating's not the only thing you get in this place.

Eh, what about them birds?

What about them birds, you know that one that brought me in?

Oh that's a bit tasty, innit?

Don't talk about anything to eat.

How are you Mr. Blitz?

It's not too hot for you, is it?

Oh no no.

Now you mustn't take too much the first day.

Come along it's time for your cold shower Mr. Clapworthy.


Clapworthy, don't I know you from somewhere?

Oh no I don't think you've ever had the pleasure sir.

Come along Mr. Kelly, you too.

Morris, let's have our shower.


You're the two sods what scarpered.

Morrie, we're in trouble that was

one of the snatchers men in there.

We're done for.

What we gonna do?

Bloody run.

I'm telling you Silvester, two of them

are down here and as large as life.

Of course I know it's them.

Who else do you know with names like that?


Oh I don't know I never look at them things.

Well don't let them out of your sight, Norman.

Me and the two boys will be up there straight away.


Here you are Morrie, you have these.

Where are we gonna put them?

Well certainly not here.

Let's hide them in there.

Good idea.

Come on.


You take those out in the back and burn them.

Yes, well said.

Make sure you burn them well Morrie.

What have you two been up to?

Well we thought you see,

after the shower a bit of fresh air

and exercise would do us good.

To stimulate the circulation.

Don't give me that, look at that smoke.

You've been burning something.

I've been watching you both from the upstairs window.

Katrina, we're in serious trouble.

We are not in fact musicians.

That figures, after listening to

"Oh For the Wings of a Dove" every afternoon

for the past couple of months.

My current title is Inspector Clapworthy

of the British Intelligence.

My colleague here is none other then the Dr. Kelly.

MORRIS: You see we didn't actually arrive from Paris.

No you see Miss Katrina, I've been a hunted man.

I have, I've been a hunted man

and the only organization I could turn to was MI5.

And it was there I met the inspector.

Oh, what a man.

And the bonfire?

Where does this hunted bit come in?

Yeah well you see I was

making these plans and blueprints

for a new revolutionary hyvercraft.

Hover, hover.



Well it's a hovercraft.

Just tell the girl the story.

MORRIS: Yeah well...

Unfortunately see unbeknownst, there was a leak

in the security you see,

the news had got out about my good fortune

and all the people of the whole

of London was hunting me then.

Yeah, but unfortunately this mob got to hear about it

and now they're here chasing us and they wanna do us.

But can't you call the police?

No, no, no we of the service always walk alone.


But if they're coming here what are you going to do?

Well as others have done before us,

go down but with our chins held high.

There must be something we can do.

Well you think about it Miss Katrina

and while you're doing that, the inspector

and I will go off and pack.

That's a good idea.

I know, I've got it.

The girls.

Are you certain it's him?

Of course I'm certain it's him.

I checked with the porter, he said they arrived here

the day after we found out they scarpered from London.

And what's more they took some big boxes up to their rooms.

And that's how it happened.

That's exactly what they told me.


Of all of the gentlemen here now.

But by the way I was his bat man in the 1940 lot,

here's the Sassenach's a dose of the pipe

and then in for a cold steal.

Ah ha.


Now then, you wait here and I'll go get me pipes

that will scare the shit and the bejeepers out of them.


Come on girls into action.

Sure that's enough of this lark.

Hold on gentlemen.

Come on, come along.


You go in there, I'll get him in.


That's another one done.

Great stuff.

Come on mate that is enough, we'll have the rest later.

Oh no I'm afraid I can't let you go yet.

Lady Bovington insists on the full treatment at all times.


Lay down.

Morrie, you better get back to the garden.

And get them plates quick.

Let's go.

Can I help you?

Yes, missus.

I'm looking for the you know what.

Ah, straight down the corridor and turn left.

Good morning Vicar.

I believe our Virgil phoned you yesterday

with regards to discuss with God.

I do know that Mr. McGyver has removed most

of the unwanted brick-a-brac out to the potting shed

if you care to rummage about there

I'm sure you're more than welcome

to take anything you can find you think will come in useful.

Most generous of you Lady Bovington.

We have our barrel outside, may we pop down now?

Well do, please do.

Thank you so much.

Hope to see you at the service on Sunday.


Now come along troop, to work, to work.

Right scout master.

Everything's ready and under control.

Quick march.

Oh there you are, we've been waiting

for you in the exercise room.

I'll help me myself.



Come on girls, get him.

Positive gold mine.




Yes my dear.

Are these good?

Oh a bountiful harvest.

All this would fill a complete stall.

Oh these appear to be copper.

How excellent for the scout's medal clasp.

I shall place them upon the barrel.

Excuse me Trixie.


Oh, bleedin' hell.

Are you kinky or something?

You say you come here for pleasure.

Wonder how the other two are getting on.

Come on lads. [SMACKS]

Keep up the good work, no slacking now.


Oh there they are.

Come on, they're useless we better find them on our own.

I'll get the plates.

I'll see what the note's about.





Carry on mate.

What are you doing?


My word what exuberance.

You seem to have collected quite

an assortment for your bazaar.

My dear lady what I have here

would make a most delightful display.

I'm sure it will.

I'd not seen these.

Oh they were down in the shed with all this.

Do you know I think these might belong to Rodney?

I think we ought to show them to him

before you hand them to your helpers.

Oh well I quite understand my dear lady,

I mean anything that isn't needed, young Trixie here

can come up and collect later.

Oh good.

Certainly I mean to show them to Rodney now.

My dear lady, good day.



Well done.

Come on troop, quick march.

Right girls, we got rid of the tufts now we've got

to get rid of the ring leaders.

Look there they go.


Come on let's get 'em.







Hello there?

How are you Blitz?

Now don't make a nuisance of yourself, will ya?

Yeah of course I can see your point of view

but you've got to see our point of view too.

I mean you have to be taken in strict rotation aren't ya?


Well I'll do the best for you.

Three weeks from now?

Now that is a promise, mate.

Now we've got a bet to stop

the merrious skews on the run now.

As soon as we carry that lot we'll run your lot

in the machine a bit sharpish.

What? Okay.


Our pleasure Mr. Gunnerfreud.

We'll be in touch.

Everything going according to plan?

Oh couldn't be better my love.

Shall we make our rounds now or are you a bit tied up?

No Leena can hold the fort.

We must show some interest in the work, mustn't we

or else Mr. Clapworthy and Kelly

will go into their sulks again.

We can't have that can we?

Quite right.

Oh for the wings For the wings of a dove

Far away, far Away would I roam

Oh for the wings For the wings of a dove

Far away, far away Far away, far away

Yours should be identical to mine.

Oh I hope not.

Oh for the wings For the wings of a dove

Far away, far Away would I roam

Oh for the wings, for The wings of a dove


The stones.

I'll be surrounded by stones.

I've got to be close to it now.



It's great to be here

There never ever ever Could be anywhere else for we

This is where we want to be

Enjoying ourselves

It wouldn't be right

To go on criticizing Anywhere nice as this

There is such great happiness

Here for everyone, we're Getting free exercise

No bread on your tie

It's good for us

We're beginning to feel

That this is the Real shangri la

There's nothing on Earth

Would ever make us try to Leave all our friends behind

When we're so Well wined and dined

It's great to be here

The Description of Come Play With Me