TRAVIS: We're fucking doing this. Hello! Welcome to this evening's episode of Critical Role. I will
be your DM for the evening. My name is Travis Willingham, and this is where a bunch of us
nerdy-ass voice actors play Dungeons & Dragons.
TALIESIN: This feels sacrilege.
TRAVIS: Oh yeah. I'm going to soil this seat all night long. Just soil it and make it mine.
Welcome! Tonight you will be enjoying a game DM'ed by my Critical Role character, Grog. Certainly not
me. Any mistakes I make, I am not responsible for. It is all Grog's fault. Tonight's episode is
brought to you by a wonderful sponsor, Marvel Puzzle Quest! Sam!
SAM: In honor of Marvel Puzzle Quest sponsoring this episode, we actually had Grog write the
TRAVIS: I remember that, yeah.
SAM: It starts like this. I am Grog. I smash things and people. Sometimes, I use a hammer, much
like another big man named Thor! Thor is not a goliath, but he is strong, almost as strong as
Grog. I like Thor because his name is easy to say. Thor is on a quest to a place called Marvel
Puzzle. This Marvel Puzzle Quest must be magic, because it happens only on telly-phones and
inty-nets. You have to press buttons to rage. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Inspired
by Thor's rock, he calls it Ragnarock, the Sakaar Arena event is going on, where you team up with
Thor in 20-person lightning rounds for prizes. Grog would not have to team up with anyone to win
in any arena, because Grog is already the champion named Philip. You can load-down this Marvel Puzzle
Quest for free! That means no gold, Vax-- Vex. Fuck! You can download it at the Apple Store. I
like apples! Google Play. I like to play! Or the Amazon app store. I like amazons. Or Steam! I
don't like steam. It is angry water and it makes my face hurt. Also, ale. The end.
LIAM: How did you do that without moving your mouth?
TRAVIS: It was a long online tutoring session that Sam paid a lot of money for.
SAM: Pike wrote it down.
TRAVIS: Yeah, Pike got it all down, that's right. Thank you, Sam.
LAURA: That sounded just like him.
SAM: My voice acting is good.
TRAVIS: Right?! It's super good. Announcements! Do we have some merches?
LAURA: Oh, well! In addition to our Vox Machina dice that came out last week, we've got this
amazing, oh, you know, "How do you want to do this?" scarf! I think I'm holding it upside down.
How do you want to do this! Yeah, yours is out in the kitchen.
LIAM: It is soft.
LAURA: It's soft and wonderful. We wanted this last year for Christmas or holidays, and then it
didn't happen, so it's this year and it's beautiful and amazing.
LIAM: It's not one of those scritchy-scratchy scarves. It's soft.
TALIESIN: It's even what passes for cold out here in beautiful California.
LAURA: If it's not cold, you can hang it on your wall. It's a good banner.
TRAVIS: It looks so nice.
LAURA: It's beautiful and we love it.
TRAVIS: That's gorgeous.
LAURA: Isn't it? You could wear it with your hoodie, or a t-shirt, or some Critical Role socks.
You could wear it with your Critical Role hat and be full-on-- oh my god, I want to see someone
SAM: That would be amazing. Wearing all the shirts.
LAURA: All the shirts, and the hoodie, and the hat, and maybe the necklace.
TALIESIN: And it's on Twitter.
SAM: Did we ever have socks? We have socks. I don't own the socks!
LAURA: I have so many extra pairs at home.
TALIESIN: It was your pun! You were the one who demanded Socks Machina.
LAURA: I was the one who was supposed to pass them out, but then I didn't.
TRAVIS: Other announcements. Some of you will be attending PAX Unplugged in Philadelphia. Is that
correct? Yes? Who?
LIAM: M & M, and you and I, Tal.
TALIESIN: Yes, M & M and L & T.
LIAM: Not Marshall Mathers. We meant Matt and Marisha.
TRAVIS: Matt and Marisha. Yeah. It's November--
TALIESIN: It's in two weeks.
TRAVIS: Yeah, I don't remember the exact date--
TALIESIN: The weekend of November 17th.
TRAVIS: Right. Friday, I think, everything is on? If you're going to PAX Unplugged, find these
patsies and go and see them. They will be there. Patsies? I said Pats Unplugged, so I tried to play
it off of Patsy. We will be in Australia. We'll be at Supanova.
LAURA: Yeah, the other L & T!
TRAVIS: That's right! For two weeks in November, we'll be at Adelaide and Brisbane. So, if you're
Down Under, come see us.
LAURA: How you feeling, baby?
TRAVIS: Oh man, this is terrible. This is awful. This is great.
LAURA: I can see this long-distance stare.
TRAVIS: Oh yeah, thousand-yard stare? Pretty much. Anything else? What am I forgetting?
LIAM: Couple things. Next week, Marisha will be in your chair, running a game of Honey Heist.
TRAVIS: No idea what that is.
LIAM: We're all bears.
LAURA: Except Travis and I won't be there.
SAM: We're all bears?
LIAM: They're not bears, but the three of us and everyone else who's going to be here are going to
be bears. It's the worst episode for you not to be here.
LAURA: I know! I'm missing the Honey Heist!
TRAVIS: Yes. Oh, we do have one last announcement. We are excited to announce the Critical Role: Vox
Machina wrap-up. Yes. It's the pearly gates Q&A session we've been talking about since day one. It
will be a Talks Machina episode hosted by the illustrious and never-stinky Brian W. Foster. Live
Thursday, December 14th, in the normal Critical Role time slot.
LAURA: So that's a Thursday.
TRAVIS: Yeah, we'll be discussing the entirety of the Vox Machina campaign.
LAURA: That means we get to ask Matt all of the secrets, and he has to tell us?
SAM: And we can ask each other, too! I'm going to read that letter that I wrote to Pike! All kinds
TRAVIS: And the note that I have says, "Please keep an eye on various social medias as we will be
"breaking up the question submissions into five story arcs." So more info to come on that. Yep.
TALIESIN: There are a few other-- I don't know if they gave you the full page.
LAURA: Do we all get to talk as Grog tonight?
TALIESIN: (Grog voice) I think so, yeah.
TRAVIS: You can, but it might get you killed.
TALIESIN: There's a few other things that happened, also. The Critical Role podcast got
updated today. It now goes to 70, I believe. We're now at episode 70. It goes all the way to 70 now.
I know, it's great.
TRAVIS: I know what that number is.
TALIESIN: We're also, some of us are going to be at BlizzCon tomorrow.
LAURA: Oh, that's right!
TALIESIN: You can find us. There's a Geek and Sundry panel at 4:00 on the Epic stage at
BlizzCon. I have this in my head. Now that I don't have a game in my head, all of this new
information has flooded through. Also, Phil LaMarr is coming onto the Wednesday Club next week to
talk Thor and his hammer. It's going to be fun. I was asked to inform everyone that there's going to
be no Gather Your Party, because BlizzCon, so instead it's going to be Tales from the Loop with
Amy Dallen, Vorpahl, Sax, Rachel, Gina, and Kelly Del Angelo is going to be GMing, and it's going to
be nuts. That'll be Friday while we're partying at BlizzCon.
LAURA: Can I say one more? What? It was just announced that I joined the cast of Last of Us 2!
LIAM: Look at these guns!
SAM: Everyone, do your Laura Bailey impression!
LAURA: Check out that trailer if you feel like feeling shaky and, yeah. It's pretty brutal.
SAM: She plays the car that's on fire.
LAURA: That's right.
LIAM: Feel-good game of the year.
LAURA: I'm very excited.
TRAVIS: And you haven't told me anything about it. Nothing.
LIAM: Did you even know she was in the game?
TRAVIS: In what game?
LAURA: It's all NDAs, you know. We're not allowed to share it with anybody.
LIAM: No duh! Also, tomorrow will be the first character playlist. It will be mine, so you can
find it sometime tomorrow.
SAM: Shit, I never did mine.
LIAM: You've got time!
TRAVIS: Yeah, I didn't do it. I barely did this.
LIAM: It'll drop sometime tomorrow.
LAURA: Okay, okay, okay!
TRAVIS: Anything else? Is that it? Okay. I guess if we have no other distractions--
LIAM: Madness! Yeah, episode two dropped on Project Alpha today. It's pretty great, it's
LAURA: I want to point out that Keyleth's dice just rolled a one. No, I don't have my dice jail
with me. But I rolled an 18 on my own personal dice. I rolled the best. No, Matt's roll was a
natural 20. So those ones stay out.
TRAVIS: All right, fuck it! No more stalling! It's time for you guys to die. With that, we're going
to roll some credits for tonight's episode of (long inhale) Critical Role. (guttural noises)
TRAVIS: I like that. I expected a little bit more. We start this game as you guys playing your
characters. Grog has asked all of his members, all of his fellow warriors in Vox Machina, to join him
in Scanlan's Magnificent Mansion for a game that he has heard about.
SAM: You're turning into Grog right now?
TRAVIS: What? Yeah. Oh my god! Guys, you're all here! Oh, thank god. Did anyone have the salad?
SAM: Yeah, yes, they just whipped up a fresh batch of tzatziki sauce to go with it.
TRAVIS: Chicken, did anybody have the chicken instead of the salad?
LAURA: No chicken. There's no more chicken, Grog.
TRAVIS: I was making sure it wasn't me. Hey, look, I know we've got a night to ourselves. I was
wondering if maybe we could all, like, play a game I heard about.
SAM: I mean, should I go wake up the others?
TRAVIS: No, no. I don't think so. It's a little above their head. Yeah, it's only for us big
thinkers. Okay. Yeah. So, I was in this tavern the other day, right? And I heard about this game. I
think it's called Bunions and Flagons, right. And you are all going to play as little, itty-bitty
versions of yourselves. All you got to do is use your imagination. Right? I'm going to tell you a
story and then you contribute, tell me what you want to do, and I draw out little maps, and we'll
go on an adventure.
LAURA: So we're, like, baby versions of ourselves?
TRAVIS: No, it's like, the size of your thumb, like tiny. We're going to move them around. Yeah.
LIAM: Like Tiny Vax, but tiny everybody, this time?
SAM: Grog, I'm already tiny. Even tinier?
LAURA: You'll be the size of a pinky, maybe.
TRAVIS: Yeah, you know, you're tiny, but you've got a big, uh, heart. What do you think?
SAM: It sounds great. I mean, this is so unlike you.
TRAVIS: Oh, yeah, you know, I've been thinking about it for a long time. I actually made art for
each of you guys, so like, I made Percy, right, and then I made Vex. Right, with the ears and the
arrows. And then there's Vax'ildan, with his little ears bleeding. Then the Scanlan.
LAURA: That looks just like you!
SAM: The eyes are haunting.
LIAM: That's drawn to scale, that one.
SAM: That's amazing! Wait, did you draw Grog? I guess you're not playing with us? How does this work?
TRAVIS: Oh shit. No, I am playing with you. I'll be there.
LIAM: Is there a ball involved in this game? A ball? Games are typically-- ball, a ball.
TRAVIS: Not a bowl, but a ball. Not a bowl you eat out of, but a ball.
LIAM: Not that my father ever played catch with me, but you know, the type of ball that one would
play catch with, with one's father, if they gave a shit.
TRAVIS: No, no ball.
LIAM: What kind of game is it, then?
TRAVIS: I'm going to put everything on this big table in front of us. It'll be right in front of
you, and you get to sit in your chair.
TALIESIN: Like cards, then?
TRAVIS: Yeah, it's pretty nice.
LAURA: Can your servants bring over some liquor? Because I think we're going to need it.
SAM: Keep the wine coming!
TRAVIS: Yeah, always a good idea, when playing this game, to drink heavily.
LIAM: Vegan wine, yeah.
TRAVIS: Yes, all right, so.
SAM: I should warn you, I'm a power gamer.
TRAVIS: Power gamer?
SAM: Yeah, you know, I get really into it.
TRAVIS: In your brain theaters, all right, I want you to imagine that Vox Machina has been
successful on its latest mission. We are triumphant!
LAURA: As always.
TRAVIS: As always. It's the wee hours of the morning, and we have found our way to a tavern.
Small, maybe off the beaten path, right. It's shambly outside. We go in and it's deserted,
right? There's only like one other couple in the whole fucking place. We got the run of the lot. We
go in. It's time to drink. We're raising glasses, we're cheering, we're drinking. Everybody's
boozing, right? Yeah! Who wants to make a toast?
LIAM: This is the game?
SAM: I'll make a toast. I'll make a toast, yeah. (clears throat) Right then! My character has a
different accent than Scanlan does.
TRAVIS: You're just playing you, though.
SAM: Well, I know, but I want to get into it, right?
LAURA: No, I like it.
SAM: Right then, we did a really good job in the fight today! So I think that we should all propose
a toast to the one that fell. Keyleth. I'm sorry she'll never be joining us again. To Keyleth.
LIAM: That's an odd story choice to make.
TRAVIS: Cheers, yeah. To Keyleth. Underpowered her whole life, really. Nothing at her disposal.
LIAM: The last of us.
TRAVIS: May her memory live forever.
TRAVIS: As we are drinking, and we're on, like-- What's a big number? Our second cup. Everybody's
really starting to feel it a little bit, especially our little gnome, Pike. Pike gets up on
the table, right. She's like-- Pike! Flower! My friend. Pike gets up and she's like, "You guys, I
"love being your friend."
TALIESIN: Too real.
LIAM: The dimensional distortion there for a second!
TRAVIS: "I'm really, like, all of your friend! You are good!" And she turns to you, Vex, yeah, and
she's like, "You know, we're so close! And you know, I--" (gulping) And you start to see, right,
that maybe she's had one too many, which is really saying something for that little tank. She goes,
"Ah, nope. I got it-- urp!" And in that moment you start to see all the color come up to her face. I
need you to roll a dexterity check.
SAM: What does that mean? What's a dexterity check?
TRAVIS: I don't know, I heard a guy at the bar say it.
LAURA: I'm going to roll one of these fancy gems that I have. All right. Oh, that's really good! Oh
wait, just a check? 11 plus-- 18. No, 29! That means it's 29.
SAM: How do you know what to add?
LAURA: I'm really smart! I'm very smart.
TRAVIS: Yeah, totally, right. So, 29, that's great! At the last moment you see what is bound to
be a shoot of vomit in your face and you just, boop! Duck out of the way. She catches it with her
lips and this little stream of bile comes, like, shooting out and goes over your shoulder.
LAURA: I want to grab a glass and try to catch it in a mug. So it doesn't get all over the floor,
TRAVIS: You raise the glass right in front of her face. As she sees it, she sees more alcohol in the
glass, and she goes, "Mm!" and turns away, and paints the bar. Except that other couple that was
in the bar with you, they're right in the path of her destruction. Yeah. And she Alphabits and
Lucky Charms all over the place. All over the table on this couple. You see, as this gentleman,
this greenish-skinned with large lower teeth and a hood and a cloak, stands up and starts to turn
toward you. He's like, "What the fuck?"
LAURA: So sorry about all of the vomit.
TRAVIS: "Yeah. Is she with you?"
LAURA: Yes, she is.
TRAVIS: Well, I'm sure you guys are going to take care of this, right? I mean, it's in my drink,
"it's on my food, it's on my--" And you see with him is also this very lovely lady. She's got
slightly bluish skin and she is also, like, staring in revulsion at all of this mess that
she's wearing. Right? It's on her. Maybe there's a little bit hanging off of her lip. She starts to
go, "Wha-- (gulping) what--"
LAURA: Oh, no! I hold the cup under her mouth as well.
TRAVIS: She holds it in, but this really infuriates this half-orc looking gentleman. He
stands up, right? and he's like, "That's it. You and I-- You! You and I, we're coming to blows. I
"want answers for this."
LIAM: I was just standing here!
TRAVIS: "Nope, I've stood up! I'm making a point that doesn't make any difference, and I'm too
"embarrassed to back down now."
LIAM: Yes, but wait one second. Grog, you're very good at this. Have you been spending time at the
theater and not telling us?
TRAVIS: What's a theater?
LIAM: Let's fight this fucking guy! What do I do? Do I actually use this, or what do I do? Are we
TRAVIS: Nope, imagination weapons. Yeah. You tell me what you want to do.
LIAM: I would like to poke him in the eyes.
TRAVIS: With what?
TRAVIS: Oh, yeah! Okay. So, you, yeah! Take one of those big, globular, like, d20 dices.
LIAM: All right, I'm going to use this weird--
TRAVIS: The mansion provides.
LIAM: I'm going to use this weird purple one, where you can't read the numbers on it.
TRAVIS: Roll to hit.
LIAM: I think it says 13. And what?
TRAVIS: The servants bring over a sheet that has modifiers for you to use. Yeah. These are things
LAURA: What do you add to it?
LIAM: I think I'm improvising this weapon, is that accurate? All right, so I would add, I have no
fucking idea. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to add my wisdom modifier.
LAURA: Why wisdom? No, it's strength!
LIAM: Why would I add anything?
TRAVIS: He's pretty wise.
LIAM: How strong are my fingers? Is that the point? Sure, I'll add my strength to my fingers.
TRAVIS: 15? That's all you need. You, boink, right in his eyes, and he's like, "Argh! In the eyes!"
LIAM: That's fucking hilarious.
TRAVIS: Right. The girl stands up at the table and she's like, "No! No, please! Not his eyes!"
LIAM: I have four of these.
TRAVIS: Right, and she sees you standing there, ready to go, and she's like, "No, please, please!"
LIAM: You threaten me all the time!
LAURA: Yeah, but she doesn't have any weapons on her!
LIAM: Neither do I!
TRAVIS: Actually, do you want to see if she has any weapons?
LAURA: Oh, well I'm very perceptive, Grog. You know that.
TRAVIS: Oh, you are perceptive. Right. Roll a perception check.
LIAM: This game thinks of everything.
LAURA: A 31.
TRAVIS: You don't see anything, unfortunately. That's just unfortunate.
LAURA: Grog, 31 is higher than 15. 31's really high. It's high.
TRAVIS: Right, so you see her genealogy going back, like, four generations.
LAURA: Do you even know what genealogy is?
TRAVIS: Yeah, it's like, you know, a blue denim. Yeah. So you see at her side this spear that's
laying up against the table. Yeah, yeah. I don't know how you missed it the first time. It's a
fucking spear, right there. She stands up and she's like, "No, no, please! No more eye-poking!"
SAM: Grog, Grog! I'm going to try to turn invisible, if that's all right. Can I just do that?
TRAVIS: I don't know. Can you just do that, or do you roll?
SAM: I normally just do that.
TRAVIS: Okay. Go invisible.
SAM: All right, I'm going to go invisible and I'm going to try to swipe the spear before she gets to it.
TRAVIS: Okay. Roll a stealth check.
SAM: Okay. Seven, plus-- ten. So, it's ten. This many.
TRAVIS: Ten total? Okay, great. So you go invisible, right, and you walk over behind the
blue-skinned lady and right as you get to the spear, you grab for it, but there's something that
catches your eye and you fumble the spear and it falls to the ground.
SAM: Oh shite, I dropped the spear!
TRAVIS: Good, I love it. As she hears the spear fall, she turns and she swings her hand wildly,
catching you dead in the face. Boom! Knocks you back. You fly back onto your back five feet. You
take two points of damage.
LIAM: You're intelligent. Do you understand what is happening?
TALIESIN: Not in the least. None of this makes any sense. These numbers seem completely arbitrary.
SAM: He's so good at this, though! I feel like we should keep supporting this!
LAURA: I feel like we're in a tavern right now.
TALIESIN: I think he might have eaten something in the back. This is not normal.
SAM: He's never been good at anything intellectual and now this is it! So maybe we should support him
and go with it.
TRAVIS: Scanlan, the reason that you fumbled for the spear is that you saw this small little bundle
next to her chair. In fact, it looks like--
LAURA: Is it a baby?
TRAVIS: It looks like a small baby, all swaddled up in cloth. No, small.
TALIESIN: Is the baby also covered in vomit?
LAURA: Wait, I have a question. Are we teeny at this moment, or are we normal sized?
TRAVIS: No, yeah, I'm going to put this out like, what's that game where you move the--?
LAURA: Parcheesi? Checkers? Chess?
TRAVIS: Yeah, that one! We'll be like that on a big map.
SAM: Really quickly into my earring, I say: She's got a baby with her!
LAURA: Oh. Are we going to fight a baby now?
SAM: I don't know, just thought you might like to know.
TRAVIS: Well, you're not that far from her, so she goes, "It is a baby, it is! Please, we just want
"to leave, I'm sorry if we caused you any trouble!"
LAURA: Does it really look like a baby?
TRAVIS: Would you want to go over to it?
LAURA: I want to go over and look at the baby.
TRAVIS: Yeah, walk on over and make a perception check. It's a baby.
LIAM: I'm sorry, I know I keep slowing things down here, but in this imagination game, can we do
anything that we do in life?
TRAVIS: Good question. Yeah!
LIAM: Can we do things that we can't do in life?
TRAVIS: You can try.
LIAM: That sent a shiver down my spine.
TRAVIS: Pretty much, if you get an idea and you want to try it, you ask me. We'll roll a dice.
Then I'll let you know how it goes.
LIAM: I would like to cast Faerie Fire.
SAM: You don't do that.
LIAM: Yes I do. I had the craziest dream last night, Scanlan.
SAM: That you became part druid?
LIAM: Yeah. And then I died, and then I wasn't here, and then I was. And then there was like,
three weeks where I was a father in this other city, washing dishes, and I had this "car." There
were no horses but it was just wind. I had these kids. I don't know who these kids were.
TALIESIN: I feel like we have warned you about eating cheese before bed.
TRAVIS: The moldy cheese. The point of this is, there's a small baby, right, and you've got a
couple covered in puke, and she's asking if maybe they can leave instead of-- avoid further scrum.
LAURA: Well, I fink we should let them leave! I "fink?" I'm listening to Grog too much!
LIAM: I'm going to save that for later. I'm going to put these away.
TRAVIS: You see his demeanor, like, he totally goes, like, another eye-poking avoided. Whoosh.
Right? He says, "All right. People make mistakes. Try to enjoy the rest of your night." He goes over
and gets his blue-skinned wife up, and she grabs her little bundle, and they start to make their
way out of the tavern.
TALIESIN: I grab the spear.
TRAVIS: You do?
TALIESIN: Yes. They didn't take it, so I will take it now. It's my spear.
LAURA: That's terrible! They do seem suspicious. Can I read their lips on the way out? Are they
talking? Can I read their lips?
LAURA: What are they saying?
TRAVIS: Roll a d20.
LIAM: Everybody seems to know what's going on.
LAURA: Am I adding anything to it?
TRAVIS: Perception. Do a perception check.
SAM: Just "yes, and," Vax. Yes, and.
LAURA: 24. That's good.
TRAVIS: Whoa. So you see that she's actually going like, "That was so embarrassing. I want to go home
"and take my clothes off and you and I go and we'll have a great night."
LAURA: Okay, I think they really want to go bone.
TRAVIS: Yeah, lots of boning in their future.
TALIESIN: I wish to examine the spear. Is it a special spear? Is it an interesting spear? Does it
do anything? Does it require batteries?
TRAVIS: Batteries? What are batteries? You see the spear is a long wooden pole wrapped with some
cloth where you might hold it with your hands. At the tip is a very rusted metal sharp point at the
tip. You got yourself a spear. So now, now you truly have the tavern to yourself. It's just us
five. Yeah. You see Grog sitting there and he's aghast at how rude Pike was to puke all over this
couple, and that you would go and poke them in the eyes. Grog's very dignified. No, that's not true.
Grog goes over to Pike and goes, "Okay, Pikey-poo, maybe it's time to, let's put you to sleep
"upstairs. Barkeep!" And you look behind the tavern, and there is a-- fuck, in your mind, he's
fucking over there.
TALIESIN: It's a muscle reaction, it's inevitable.
TRAVIS: He might be over there in a second. Stay with me. So Grog picks up Pike and goes over to
the barkeep and he's like, "Do you have any rooms that I can put this little gnome in?" And he's
like, "Yes, I have, I do! Have rooms!"
SAM: Good voice, Grog!
TRAVIS: (wheezing) "How much money do you have?" And Grog's like, "I have ten gold." And he's like,
"Sure, that'll fucking do it!" So Grog goes and takes Pike upstairs, puts her in a room, comes
back down. And like, "Whoa, she is hammered."
LAURA: Ten gold for a room, Grog, is a lot.
TRAVIS: I don't know if you know, but I'm super rich because I never really buy anything.
LAURA: You do buy some things.
TRAVIS: I always seem to find the money. That's what I do. Find the money. So now, it turns out
that your cups are all slightly emptier than before. Your plates are rather empty. It doesn't
really seem like we want the night to end. Does somebody want to maybe check with the barkeep and
see if he has any more?
LIAM: Grog-- not Grog, but Grog-- did we get any points?
SAM: He does not understand this game.
TRAVIS: Oh, right. Oh! Like, did we do something right?
LIAM: Did we win?
TRAVIS: No. Actually, like, at the end of this story, you either win or lose, like, overall.
LAURA: Oh, are you going to judge us? Does one of us win more than other people?
TALIESIN: Did you not take any drama classes as a child?
LAURA: I'm going to win so good.
TRAVIS: Don't you like the theater?
LIAM: I love the theater. But we're playing a game!
TRAVIS: Oh yeah, no, it's one big long game. Preferably three to four hours long.
LAURA: That's a long game, Grog.
LIAM: I thought we were near the end of the game, but we're just getting started?
TRAVIS: Oh, we're just kicking this shit off. Get comfy.
SAM: If we're going to be here for a while, Grog, can I have some of my invisible servants come in
and lightly play a light accompaniment music? Play some strings or flutes?
TRAVIS: Set the tone, the mood? Totally.
SAM: Oh there it is, it's nice.
TRAVIS: Hold on, can you ask them to bring in some, like, meats? Like a meat and cheese plate?
SAM: I actually can't.
TRAVIS: Come on, Kaylie won't fucking know, please! I'm so tired of this green shit!
SAM: I will know. She'll be able to read it on my face. She can see all of my lies.
LIAM: It's a game! It's make-believe!
SAM: Oh, if it's make-believe, then, here you go! Here are your meats for you, right there!
TRAVIS: Nope, you got to stay in the game. That's only in the game with that stuff. So you're in the
tavern. You need more to drink. Who wants to go talk to the barkeep?
TALIESIN: I'll go talk to the barkeep.
TRAVIS: What do you do?
TALIESIN: Another round for everyone. Your finest.
TALIESIN: (shouting) Another round for everyone! Your finest!
TRAVIS: "Oh yes, yeah, oh! To drink, or to eat?"
TALIESIN: To drink! Another round of drinks! For everyone!
SAM: Ask him his name.
TALIESIN: Why would I do--? Your finest! What's your name?
LIAM: We want to get fucked up!
TALIESIN: Why do I care about his name?
SAM: Because I want to hear what Grog comes up with!
TALIESIN: But his name is Grog!
TRAVIS: "My name? It's Bob!"
TALIESIN: All right, I'll admit, that is quite charming.
TRAVIS: "Bobaline is my full name, but people call me Bob!"
TALIESIN: Bobaline, I feel, really, is quite appropriate.
TRAVIS: "It's a family name. If you want more to drink, unfortunately, I was not planning on you
"being here. It's quite late. I do, however, have more food in the pantry below the bar. Or, there
"are some extra casks of ale out with the pigs."
TALIESIN: I don't understand how a bar runs out of alcohol after one round for five of us.
SAM: It's not run out, he said he has more downstairs, or there's some outside in the back.
LAURA: I think we should go down to the cellar.
LIAM: Bobaline, are you going to go down and get it and bring it up, or are you--
TRAVIS: "No, unfortunately, me son is the one who normally goes and gets it. He's not here."
TALIESIN: What's your son's name?
TALIESIN: Bobaline and Timothy. That's excellent. I should write that down to make sure that you
don't forget it or screw it up later.
SAM: Vax, he's presenting us with a choice. We, as a group, must make this choice together.
LIAM: He's sending us to his basement. That's creepy!
TRAVIS: "Well, it's not a huge deal, I just need one of you to either go down and get the food,
"and one of you to go get the ale."
LAURA: You and I will go down to the cellar.
TRAVIS: "Yeah, you go down to the cellar, and Grog-- I will go get the ale, unless somebody
"wants to go out in the pig sty. I'll go."
LIAM: We will go with you, Grog, to the pig sty.
TRAVIS: "Or do you two want to go get the ale?"
SAM: I volunteer to go to the sty.
TRAVIS: Okay, cool. So you, Vax, and Sam, you make your way out back. Scanlan!
LIAM: I'm not going to the basement, because once, in Syngorn, a comic book shop owner tried to get
me to go to the basement to look at comic books, and I'm not doing that. Yeah. So good luck in the
cellar. Let's go see the pigs.
TRAVIS: As Vax and Scanlan start to head toward the back door, Vex and Percy,
would you like to try and find the latch under the bar that leads--
LAURA: Yes, we would.
TRAVIS: You find it. Fuck, it's right there. Good job. Right, so you lift the latch in the
floor and you go down. It's a very small room that has different salted meats and cheeses, and some
bread and stuff like that.
TALIESIN: This cellar has better food than your mansion.
LAURA: We take it all.
TRAVIS: You take armfuls?
LAURA: After a little bit.
TRAVIS: I mean, do you want to see maybe what else is down there?
LAURA: Yeah, let's see what else is down there.
TRAVIS: Roll perception checks.
LAURA: Oh, this is good. 28.
TRAVIS: Nice. You also see three of these bottles with hided, belted locks on it, and it says
"sandkheg" on there. It looks really, really expensive. There's three bottles of that. Yep.
LAURA: I'm going to try to pick the lock so I can get them. Can I do that?
TRAVIS: Sure. What do you roll to pick a lock?
LIAM: I don't know whether to shit or go blind in this game.
LAURA: What do I roll to pick a lock?
SAM: Vax has no idea.
TRAVIS: What about Liam? What does Liam know?
LIAM: Intelligence, I'd think. Yeah, you have to know how locks work.
LAURA: I'd think it's dexterity or something.
TALIESIN: Dex proficiency, for god's sake.
TRAVIS: Roll for it.
LIAM: What are those words you're using?!
TALIESIN: Were you never in school? Have you never done this before?
LIAM: I didn't pay attention through any of school. I copied everything that she wrote down.
TALIESIN: This is everything I did in school. I remember this game.
TRAVIS: Oh, that's not very good. Unfortunately, this is a better expensive bottle of sandkheg.
After trying to break the lock, or pick it, you get the lockpick stuck in there. Yeah, and it's
all fucked up. But you're really resilient and you smash the top of the bottle. It seems stupid to
have a lock on a glass bottle, but it works.
LAURA: I don't want to smash the bottle.
TRAVIS: You did it already. It's too bad.
LAURA: Is all the drink spilling out?
TRAVIS: No! You just smashed the top off. You have the rest of the bottle.
LAURA: Well, okay. That's good.
TALIESIN: We should try it.
TRAVIS: You got some salted meats, some cheese.
LAURA: And this bottle of fanciness. We have to drink it all because we can't close it back up.
TRAVIS: You also see some dead rats in the corner, some empty shelves, and one old leathery book.
Yeah, it's all dusty shelves.
TALIESIN: Oh shelves!
LAURA: Do you see anything else, Percy?
TRAVIS: There's a leathery book on one of the shelves.
TALIESIN: There's a leathery book?! I'm taking the leathery book, my god.
TRAVIS: Do you want to open it up?
TALIESIN: I want to read the title. There should be a title on the cover.
Books have titles on covers.
TRAVIS: Yeah, they do. It says "Ledger."
TALIESIN: It says "Ledger." I'm going to open up the book.
LAURA: While he opens it, I'm going to take a sip of this fancy wine.
TRAVIS: Great, yeah. Roll a constitution check.
SAM: You've really caught onto this game quickly.
TRAVIS: 13. Right. You take a sip, and boy does it burn. You're like (gagging). You feel like you
could breathe fire. It starts to spread down into your chest.
LAURA: Does it make me breathe fire?
TRAVIS: No, not literal fire, like (gasps) fire.
TALIESIN: Vex, why are you making a Keyleth face?
LAURA: This-- what is it called?
LAURA: This sandkheg is really strong.
TALIESIN: Well, I've got to try this really quickly.
TRAVIS: Oh, Jesus.
TALIESIN: I take a sip. Sip. Sip.
LAURA: You have to be very careful because it's jagged on the top.
TALIESIN: I know, you have to be very careful because there's broken glass.
TRAVIS: Roll a constitution check.
LIAM: What kind of role playing are we doing here?
TALIESIN: The best kind. No. I rolled a four.
TRAVIS: Yeah, so the warmth starts to spread, right?
TALIESIN: Oh my.
TRAVIS: You also feel this immediate desire to upchuck the liquid because it's so strong. In your
rush to cover your mouth, you drop the bottle and it shatters all over the floor.
SAM: Do we hear it upstairs?
TALIESIN: We speak of this never again.
LAURA: Ever. Nobody knows.
TALIESIN: We should open the book, though.
LAURA: Yeah, let's open this ledger.
TRAVIS: You open the book, and it's got numbers in it with letters.
TALIESIN: Are they in a particular order?
TRAVIS: I guess.
TALIESIN: Using my deftness of wit, can I start to put together some meaning to the numbers and words
within this ledger?
TRAVIS: Unfortunately, no, it's beyond your mental prowess. So, back upstairs!
TALIESIN: Goddamn it!
LAURA: All of the food. We're carrying meat and cheese and all of that.
TRAVIS: Y'all want to stay in the pantry or come back up?
LAURA: We did for a while.
TRAVIS: Yeah, you stayed down there for a while?
TALIESIN: For a while.
LAURA: And then we came back up.
TRAVIS: Fair enough. Vax and Scanlan, y'all head out back.
LIAM: We're getting ale for our buddy, Grog. Got to keep the big man hydrated.
SAM: That's right, we have to. He'll know if we don't get him some, so let's go sneaky back there
to make sure there's no monsters hiding.
LIAM: Do you know how to sneak with dice?
LIAM: How do you do it?
SAM: We tell our Bunion Master that we're going out there to sneak around and then he'll make it
happen for us.
LIAM: Okay. Night at the Improv, here we go.
TRAVIS: Use your imagination.You get to the back door and you push it open. You see before you,
right, a pen full of muck, mud and these three large hogs rolling around in the muck. Off to the
side, you see a large cask of ale.
LIAM: Neither one of us are very strong, can you do your handy thing?
SAM: To pick it up?
LIAM: Yeah, I don't want to get all muddy and shit, could you just grab it from here?
SAM: Sure I could, but shouldn't we try to lift it first?
LIAM: It seems to plebeian, don't you want to skip the hard work?
SAM: Sure, right, this is all make-'em-up. It doesn't matter, right?
LIAM: Sure! I can make a purple hand! Can I make a purple hand? Why not?
I thought it was imagination?!
TRAVIS: No, it's not what you do.
TALIESIN: You're imagining wrong.
LIAM: Is my fun wrong?! I guess it is! All right, well, show me how to handle a pig.
SAM: I'm picking up a pig?
LAURA: No, it's a cattle-- I'm not there. Yes, I am. I am still technically here.
TRAVIS: No, actually, you're not there.
LIAM: I'm so confused!
TRAVIS: Percy and Vex have made their way back to the table. You two are--
LIAM: But we're right at the table!
TRAVIS: No, the table in the tavern. You two are at the back hall room there.
SAM: And we're trying to move a pig?
LAURA: No, a cask!
SAM: That's what I thought.
TALIESIN: Can't tell them, you're not there!
LIAM: No, I got confused for a second because this is confusing.
TRAVIS: It's normally my job, but yeah.
LIAM: Yeah! I'm roleplaying a little bit today. You're going to grab the booze
and carry it back with us.
SAM: Yeah! I'd like to cast Bigby's Hand and lift the cask.
TALIESIN: Don't forget the pig.
TRAVIS: Right. It's simple enough. So Bigby's Hand just appears around the cask and it wraps its
purple fingers around the cask, picks it up, and holds it in mid-air.
SAM: All right. Come with me, O hand that holds the cask of our dreams.
TRAVIS: Flavor. That's some good color. You guys should really step up your fucking game. Leave it
to the bard, but yeah. Nice job. You get 300 XP for that performance.
SAM: I got points!
LIAM: What did he get?
TRAVIS: Don't worry about it.
SAM: Wait, I got 300 points. I'm winning!
TRAVIS: You remember being in school and they gave out gold stars when you did good things?
LIAM: I was daydreaming, but I guess.
LAURA: I'm starting to take notes.
LIAM: But you said there were no points and you got points?
TRAVIS: No, they're not points. They're XP.
SAM: What does that stand for, Grog?
TRAVIS: Xylophone Players.
TALIESIN: 300 Xylophone Players. My god, you could retire on that! In fact,
you could retire quite well on that.
LIAM: That's a fancy word!
TRAVIS: So you get the cask and you draw it back over.
LIAM: It's no mystery that Grog likes you better than he likes me, so--
LAURA: Shut up! Let Grog tell a story!
TRAVIS: Did you bring the cask back to the table?
SAM: Yes, I float it back in and I present it in front of the barkeep and say, Bob!
SAM: Your cask awaits.
TRAVIS: "You did a really great job. You guys are good. Good. Please, I'll give 70 percent off,
"because shit, no one's here, so nobody will know."
LAURA: Great! That's wonderful. Thank you, Bob.
TRAVIS: "So please take, enjoy. It's just you." So you take the cask and the food back over. You
two look a little disheveled, like you may have fallen down some stairs, going into the pantry.
TALIESIN: That may have happened.
TRAVIS: That's fucking gross. Yeah, so you pour ale all around, you get your cups full again.
You've got a little more food into your belly, and you make one more toast for the night
to your successes as warriors, victorious. Who wants to make a toast?
SAM: This would be a good opportunity for you all to get some XP.
LAURA: Oh right. I would like to make a toast to the greatest fighters, to someone
who used his smart hand to carry a cask of ale. This sucks. I'm really shitty.
TRAVIS: No, that's good.
TALIESIN and LAURA: And to Grog!
LAURA: Who's so strong and brave and very smart.
TALIESIN: Extremely intelligent.
LAURA: And to all of this meat that we get to eat!
LAURA, TALIESIN, and TRAVIS: Cheers!
TRAVIS: Everybody drink to that.
LAURA: What did you actually call it, the purple hand? What'd you call that?
SAM: I call it Bigby's Hand!
LAURA: This is not in character. I'm asking you.
SAM: Oh. I call it Bigby's Hand because a man named Bigby invented it.
TRAVIS: Yeah. It's supposed to be us. It's a concept.
SAM: I don't know anything about this Bigby.
TALIESIN: I was assuming it was actually his hand you were manifesting, like he was a large purple--
SAM: I learned it from another bard a long time ago.
LIAM: What did he play?
TALIESIN: Was his name Bigby?
SAM: It was a he. He was actually a stand-up comedian. That was his thing.
TALIESIN: Oh, so it was an applause hand?
TRAVIS: As the alcohol starts to go down the throats into the belly, down into your belly,
the world starts to get a little hazy.
SAM: Oh no. Did we just drink poison?
LAURA: Oh no! Did this stupid Bobaline poison us?
TRAVIS: You got a 150 XP for saying it. Also, you feel a lot of warmth in your face and you feel
almost as if the world's been tilted on you. Like someone's pushing you around and you don't have
much control. You reach out to steady yourself and to warn your other friends, when all of a sudden,
the lights go out and you feel gravity take over and you just fall.
TALIESIN: Timothy, is that you?
TRAVIS: And fall, and fall. The end.
SAM: Wait, that's it?
TRAVIS: No, that's not the end!
SAM: But we were just having fun!
TRAVIS: (shouting) You come to! (normal voice) Sorry, Chris. You come to and you're lying on the
floor. It's cold.
LAURA: Do we feel drunk?
LIAM: Do we feel hungover?
TRAVIS: Nope. It's cold. It feels like stone underneath you. It's moist and damp. There's dirt
everywhere and it feels uneven. You open your eyes and the light of the tavern is not the same as it
was before. In fact, you're on a wood floor and you remember, but now there's stones beneath you.
LIAM: Do we have all our shit?
TRAVIS: You got all your stuff. You look and you seem to be in some sort of dimly-lit cavern. You
all look around and you see your mates around you. All there, but the environment has changed.
LAURA: Is there any light?
TRAVIS: There is light. You look around and there seem to be along these stone walls around you,
random torches. So there is some torchlight down here.
SAM: He really paints a vivid picture.
LAURA: Can I stand up?
TRAVIS: You can.
LAURA: Can I go grab a torch?
TRAVIS: Would you like to? They're a bit high, unfortunately. They're about eight to ten feet
off the floor. It's just out of your reach.
LAURA: Can I use my broom to fly up and grab it?
TRAVIS: You can, if you want to.
LAURA: Yeah, I'll grab it.
TRAVIS: All right. So you hop onto your broom, kick up off the ground and grab the torch. You
pull it out and off in the distance somewhere, you hear a scraping sound. Very faint,
but you hear it.
TALIESIN: What strange intelligence would have gone through this hall and lit torches that were
eight to ten feet off the ground? That's very particular.
SAM: You have that special sense! Try to sense if there's any flagons around?
LAURA: Yeah, I'm going to try to sense if there's any flagons. Big ones, with wings.
TRAVIS: Roll a perception check.
LAURA: No, it's not a perception check, it's just my--
TALIESIN: Flagon sense?
LAURA: It's my flagon sense.
TRAVIS: Is it? Yeah. Yeah, go for it.
LAURA: Are there any flagons around?
TRAVIS: Yeah, no fucking flagons around.
LAURA: I'm going to mark off a spell.
LIAM: What are all these papers?
TRAVIS: Currently, Vex is the only one who's gotten to her feet and grabbed a torch. Are you
all standing up, looking around?
LAURA: Just be quiet. I'm going to cast Pass Without a Trace on all of us.
So that we're quiet.
LIAM: Can I hide?
LIAM: I can? I'm going to hide. Do your thingy, though.
TRAVIS: Yeah. Everybody please roll a stealth check.
LIAM: You don't have to clap or--
LAURA: I've already cast it. I cast it already, but roll a stealth check.
SAM: 18, Grog!
TRAVIS: 18. Good.
LAURA: Add ten to it!
SAM: I did already.
LAURA: I don't know what that means, but I don't know why would you do that.
TALIESIN: Why not add ten?
SAM: Oh, we got something! Something's happening!
TALIESIN: Have you been at the arts and crafts?
TRAVIS: Okay, now listen. This is where the fun starts.
LIAM: What are these things?
TALIESIN: Let's not look. He's setting something up. I'm not going to look. Close your eyes.
SAM: Marvel Puzzle Quest. It's a fantastic game.
LAURA: Do you need help?
SAM: It looks like two boobs.
LAURA: It looks like a butt with a staple in it.
LIAM: You've seen that before. Oh, I'm right at the crack! Of course. That guy looks just like
you, Grog! He looks like me! That looks like Scanlan!
TALIESIN: That looks nothing like me.
LIAM: That doesn't look like you at all.
TALIESIN: It's totally off.
LAURA: Where's Trinket?
(gasps) Grog! Trinket's here! Trinket's popping out of my necklace!
TRAVIS: There you go.
LIAM: What, you got a fucking bear?
TRAVIS: Look at that. You're all there.
LIAM: Where did you get these toys?
TRAVIS: I stole it from a small child. So as you look around your environment, you notice the floor
is stone, the walls are stone and you seem to be in some sort of circular cavern. There's also a
domed ceiling above you. There is just pure wall for most of this circular room except for an area
that seems to lead into another chamber beyond.
LAURA: Oh, I have an idea! Can I shoot one of my oracle arrows and see what's in the other room?
TRAVIS: You may. Roll an attack.
LIAM: Also, I rolled a 39 for stealth.
LAURA: I rolled a 45.
LIAM: Is that good? Is 39 better or worse than 45?
TRAVIS: It's so good, in fact, that you take one step into the wall and you turn and face it like
the creepy person from Blair Witch, and you stay there.
TRAVIS: 32. Great. So you turn so that you can see into the other cavern and you shoot your oracle
arrow. And your sight goes (zooming) and you see it fly approximately (counting) 25 feet and it
just hits another wall made of stone in the cavern, very similar to the one you're in.
LAURA: It looks the exact same?
TRAVIS: Yeah, almost identical to this one.
LIAM: Jeez, Grog, you're inspired today.
TALIESIN: This is very impressive.
SAM: Come on, even in this imaginary game, we're invincible heroes of justice. Let's just go look!
LAURA: Can we see forward? Can we see?
LIAM: Well, hold on. We know that I like to stick my dick into things, so why don't I creep ahead
and see what is happening?
TRAVIS: Very smart. Make a perception check.
LAURA: Watch for traps! You don't want to explode, I don't know what Grog has set up for us.
LIAM: I'll roll this one with the book on it because I feel goodness from it. I got a 19 on
that, plus perception. Oh my gosh, that's really good. 33 for perception.
TRAVIS: You open your eyes, and because you're staring at the wall like a nerd, you notice the
mortar is very fine. Would anybody like to make a perception check besides Vax?
LAURA: I would like to look around the whole room.
TRAVIS: Vex, please roll a perception check.
LIAM: I didn't understand the rules!
TALIESIN: 17 for me.
TRAVIS: Oh, very nice, Percival.
LAURA: 34 for me.
TRAVIS: 34, that is a high perception. You should be a rogue.
LIAM: It's not as high as mine, I would like to point out, but I was facing the wall.
TRAVIS: So you see that the room extends out to an edge and you move to the middle and you see that
these two rooms seem to be identical. There are torches lighting your way, and above you on this
rounded ceiling, there are two hatches. Iron hatches. And above them you see maybe a chute.
And you wonder, as you see water dripping from the hatches in the ceiling,
if that might have been how you got in this room.
LAURA: Can I use my broom to fly up and check out that hatch?
TRAVIS: You may. So you fly up and you get to the hatch, and it's solid iron, with rusted-- There's
water dripping out of it. And you see there is a chute indeed. No light coming from it.
LAURA: It's bars?
TRAVIS: Bars, but it looks as if it goes straight up, and up, and up.
LAURA: Is it closed off?
TRAVIS: It is. It's closed very securely.
LAURA: Can I try to pull them?
LIAM: May I turn around from the wall first?
TRAVIS: You may, yes. There you go.
LIAM: Can I use some sort of perception or insight or one of these numbers to figure out if
we are in a room shaped like a cock and balls?
TRAVIS: You may. Roll a perception check.
LIAM: Okay. I've got a total of 23, Grog.
TRAVIS: You move forward, and as you approach Vex, you do see there is an additional hallway
that extends forward. Not in the shape of a cock and balls per se, but there is another
hallway in front of you, and it extends forward into darkness, but you do see a very faint torch
at the end of it all.
SAM: A tip.
TRAVIS: Tip of the hallway, yeah.
LIAM: I'm a big fan of the show Stillben Vandal, it's quite good.
TRAVIS: So you are going up. Ooh, this is you!
LAURA: Can I pull on the bars to see if I can get out?
TRAVIS: Yeah, you pull on it, and, man, that shit is-- Roll a strength check. I'll give you a shot.
LAURA: Because I'm really strong, Grog. Nine.
TRAVIS: No, no. It doesn't even move. It doesn't even do the pothole thing. As soon as you step
on it, it goes boop boop, I'm going to fall. But no, it's solid.
LAURA: Is there a lock to be seen?
TRAVIS: Not that you can tell. If you want to check and see if there's a latch to it.
LAURA: I want to look and see.
TRAVIS: Roll an investigation check.
LAURA: Ooh, Grog, what a big word! What is that, 23? 23.
TRAVIS: 23. You reach through one of the slots in the plate that's holding--
LAURA: Did you burp?
LIAM: I did burp.
LAURA: Really stinky burp.
LIAM: I love you too, Stubby.
TRAVIS: You put your hand through, and as your fingers curl around, you do feel a very large
latch, but it is thick and very secure, and it extends into the mass around it, the wall itself.
You get the impression that it would take quite a mechanism to unleash this thing.
LAURA: Okay. All right.
SAM: Well, let's go explore. I'm going to walk around the room. I'm going to walk up the shaft.
TRAVIS: You both head down the hallway?
LAURA: I'm going to follow them down the shaft.
SAM: Maybe you left, me right?
TRAVIS: What's the marching order here?
SAM: I'll be to the right of the shaft. He's pants left.
LIAM: But slowly move up the shaft.
SAM: You don't want to go too fast down the shaft.
TRAVIS: You said to the right of the hallway? And you're going to be on the left? To the left?
SAM: No, no, he's all the way on the left wall.
LIAM: I will follow behind Scan-Man.
TRAVIS: Okay. And Vex?
LAURA: Behind Percy. And Trinket's going to stand next to you, Grog, because he loves you so much.
SAM: Just going to really just snug the edges of the shaft.
LIAM: Yeah, you know, palm the sides as you go.
LAURA: Just move forward, nice and easy.
TRAVIS: Would you like to proceed down the hallway?
TRAVIS: Okay, so you move forward?
SAM: We do move forward.
TALIESIN: Gently, checking for traps.
SAM: I did not say that.
TRAVIS: Well, as Scanlan is just ahead of you in your pursuit down the hallway, Scanlan feels his
foot fall on a piece of the floor and it sinks.
LAURA: Oh no.
TRAVIS: You hear a grinding noise that you've heard before in our adventures, and it's not good.
And instinctually, you look to your right immediately on the wall, and you notice there are
all these holes in the wall.
LAURA: Oh no!
TRAVIS: And sure enough, just as you're looking, a fucking dart sinks right into your cheek. Just
poof, right into your-- (yelling)!
SAM: (screaming) My cheek, it burns, it burns!
TRAVIS: And just as your hands go up to your face, another one hits you in the thigh.
LAURA: Back up! Scanlan! Back up!
TRAVIS: As you turn around, one sinks into your butt cheek.
LIAM: I pull him back!
TRAVIS: Yeah, you pull him back. You take--
LIAM: What if I suck the poison out?
SAM: We don't know if it's poisoned yet.
LIAM: Well, just on principle. Just on principle.
TRAVIS: You take 13 points of fucking dart damage.
LIAM: Is that a lot? Is that all you have?
SAM: I assume not. I assume I'm okay.
TRAVIS: You look at the wound in his cheek, and the wound in his arm, chest area, they don't seem
so bad, but the one in his butt is starting to swell a little bit. Kind of bruised and red.
LAURA: Yeah, you should definitely suck the poison out.
LIAM: I definitely should. Or I could use my paladin ability--
LAURA: No, you should just suck it out.
SAM: I pull down my pants.
TRAVIS: Make a medicine check as you suck on Scanlan's ass.
LIAM: Okay, I'm feeling lucky, though.
LAURA: Oh no!
LIAM: But it knocked the first die into a higher number, can I go with that?
TALIESIN: That's not how the game works, no.
LIAM: We've never played this game before!
TRAVIS: I will make a ruling. Because you are sucking on Scanlan's ass, you may roll with
LIAM: Not for the first time. So go again. Look at what I got! That's a good ass suck right there.
SAM: I'll be the judge of that.
LIAM: 19, how did I do?
TRAVIS: Fantastic. You manage to get the right amount of pressure right on the butt cheek, right?
And you suck all the poison out, and you spit it out, because you know, if you swallow it, also bad
for you, and you manage to take your head away just in time as a Scanlan little boop farts out.
LIAM: I wave it away and then I take the opportunity to do one of these. (blows raspberry)
TRAVIS: Oh man. Yeah, nothing like mom's kisses. That's nice. Good job. So, you've taken 13 points
of damage, you've pointed it out, I assume, to the rest of the group.
SAM: There's lots of holes with darts in them, what, what?
TALIESIN: Oh no.
TRAVIS: Yeah, in this game, if you notice something, call it out to each other. Because what
one person sees, the other somehow might not see. And just because you know it at the table, doesn't
mean that you know it in your mind pictures.
LIAM: You just made that up.
TRAVIS: That's how this goes, I promise.
LIAM: Where did you learn this game?
TRAVIS: I was in a tavern, and this long-haired guy was playing a game at the table, and I thought
it was fucking great. And I watched for a while. Like, hours. I was hooked.
I might go back next week and watch.
SAM: Do you need any kind of subscription to watch it, or can you--
TRAVIS: I'm not sure, actually. That's a great question.
LAURA: So, wait. So you saw darts coming out of the wall, then?
SAM: Yeah, there's traps. There's lots of traps down the shaft.
LAURA: Okay, so, you guys, I'll let you go ahead.
TALIESIN: I'm going to carefully examine the floor.
TRAVIS: So you notice that right here--
SAM: That is a permanent marker.
TRAVIS: It is, I don't give a shit. There is this area.
SAM: Is that yours?
TALIESIN: Matt's going to get his-- That mat is permanently scarred.
TRAVIS: Yeah, I don't fucking care. Or you have to build a map with that integrated into it. You
notice that that area of the floor, you step on it, bad shit happens.
LIAM: Every map has a dick in it, from here to eternity.
LAURA: So we don't step on that section.
TRAVIS: Well, you haven't gone past it yet. Would you like to try and cross that area?
LIAM: I will start looking for traps up this shaft.
TRAVIS: Nice. Be very careful with the shaft. Okay. If you would like to try and cross over that
area, you all need to make an acrobatic check as you try and leap over.
LIAM: Jump over that spot.
LAURA: Jump over it! Whoa. 33, Grog.
TRAVIS: That's good.
LIAM: Ooh yes. 36.
TRAVIS: 36. Everyone but Vax manages to leap over, successfully over, well done. Vax catches his
foot, he's like, (yells) and he falls flat on his face. And the darts go pew pew pew! Vex, if you
want to turn, you can try and drag your brother, who has luckily had all the darts go above his
lying, goofy body on the floor, and try to pull him off the plate.
LAURA: Yes, I would love to try and pull my brother to safety.
LIAM: I like to evade stuff like this, can I use some sort of evasion?
TRAVIS: Unfortunately, no. Strength check?
LIAM: I knew this was what this game would be. I knew it.
LAURA: Yeah, a strength check? Oh gosh. I'm not very strong, Grog. Ooh! 22!
TRAVIS: That's enough, because Vax doesn't have very many muscles. So you pull him off the plate,
and he's there, all of you are right there, ready to go again.
LAURA: What about Trinket? And Grog?
TRAVIS: All right. Yeah, hold on. Look, Grog makes it over, and then Trinket comes up. Roll a
acrobatics check for Trinket.
LIAM: Grog, I didn't see anything hit you, but I might better just suck poison out of your ass,
just to be sure.
TRAVIS: You know what, save it for later.
LAURA: I'm going to say that's a 14 for Trinket.
TRAVIS: Ooh, yeah, so unfortunately--
LAURA: Grog, save him as he falls!
TRAVIS: Sure. So he falls and I start to hear the grinding again and I pull him by his ear, and
whoop, everybody's on the safe side of the trap.
What would you like to do next?
LIAM: I would like to see if there are any more traps before we get to the tip.
TRAVIS: Roll a perception check.
LIAM: Perception, which one is this? There's a picture of a monk on this one.
LIAM: Dungeons and Flagons! Perception? 22.
TRAVIS: 22? Yes, indeed. There are no further traps towards the tip, but your keen half-elf ears
pick up a (wind blowing) sound.
LAURA: Does it sound like ghosts that we have encountered?
TRAVIS: "Turn back." And you spin on your heel, and outside of Grog's amazing deltoids, which
look swollen from shoulder day, you see behind you a spectral form starting to make its way
LAURA: Oh no.
SAM: It's a ghost of some sort, holding a shovel.
TRAVIS: I need you all to roll initiative.
LIAM: What's initiative?
TALIESIN: What we're rolling.
LIAM: That's a die, you're rolling a die.
TALIESIN: Yes. You roll your initiative die.
LIAM: I had so many ghosts in that box over there, Travis.
TRAVIS: I already bought that one.
LIAM: I brought six tubs of miniatures. So many miniatures.
SAM: You bought that ghost with a shovel already?
TRAVIS: Yeah. It was two dollars or something.
SAM: Why is he holding a shovel?
TRAVIS: 16. Percy.
TRAVIS: Wow. 16, Percy. Really?
TALIESIN: 16. I rolled very poorly.
TRAVIS: Vex, you're up first. You see the spectral form starting to move towards you.
What would you like to do?
LAURA: Oh, I'm going to shoot an arrow at it.
TRAVIS: You shoot an arrow at it?
LAURA: From a blazing bowstring, because why not?
TRAVIS: Okay. Roll to hit.
TRAVIS: Hold on! Wait. There's music and shit. Fuck.
SAM: Shall I tell the unseen servants to change the music?
SAM: Play something more rousing, please. Thank you.
LIAM: What, what?
SAM: I'm not in character now. I'm just Scanlan.
TRAVIS: I'm sorry, what was it?
LAURA: Shit. 25.
TRAVIS: Hit. Yeah, that definitely hits.
LAURA: Okay. Oh jeez. I'm going to decide what I should, you know, attack should-- Sure. Ten.
Plus-- Oh, I didn't Hunter's Mark him because I'm stupid.
TRAVIS: Yeah, too late for that.
LAURA: 15 plus fire. 15 plus eight is 23.
TRAVIS: 23, nice.
LIAM: Look at Grog on that board, looks like he's staring and judging the toys.
LAURA: And then for my bonus action--
LIAM: A what?
LAURA: Can I have Trinket jump across the thing that he just crossed and attack the ghost, too?
TRAVIS: Yeah, roll an acrobatic check first.
LAURA: Although I don't think I can actually have him attack after I shot an arrow.
TRAVIS: Oh, then no--
LAURA: Yes, I can! Because I only attacked once, that's how it works.
LIAM: Bonus action? This is what all those ballet classes for Trinket were for, right now.
LAURA: That's an 11 for him.
TRAVIS: For the acrobatic check?
Trinket falls right on the plate. And he's like, boom. And then, because it shot all those darts,
and Vax fell, and they were like, "Oh, none of the darts hit," they're all aimed down.
And Trinket takes like six darts. He looks like the guy in The Godfather
He's like, (distressed bear sounds, darts) covered in darts. Trinket takes--
SAM: Don't worry, Vex, it's not Real-Trinket, it's Imagination-Trinket. Real-Trinket is still alive.
TRAVIS: 24 points of damage.
LAURA: That's a lot.
TRAVIS: But he manages with his bear strength to pull himself just out of the line of fire.
But he is right there.
LAURA: Can he continue his attack? Probably not. Can I attack with my second arrow?
TRAVIS: No. Vax, you're up.
LIAM: I will run at the ghost. Right? Because I have to get up to it.
I could throw, but where's the fun in that? So I run at the ghost,
and I'm going to use Whisper, and I'm going to dagger, dagger, dagger.
And I'm going to use the power of my deity and do something called Divine Smiting.
I've never told you guys what it's called, but it's called Divine Smite.
TRAVIS: Well, give me an acrobatics check, because you jump over the plate area.
You want to run into melee with the ghost?
LIAM: Yeah. So that's 33.
TRAVIS: You learn from your previous errors and man up,
and you totally make it across just fine.
LIAM: Yeah, I rolled lower than the last time. Great. I jump across, run.
How do I hit it with my knife?
TRAVIS: You stab it.
TRAVIS: Roll to attack.
LIAM: Okay, so I roll once. I'm going to use my--
LAURA: Your second luck of the day.
LIAM: I have endless luck. It's endless. That's a one. So instead I get a 19.
TRAVIS: A 19. Which hits.
LIAM: It does? Oh my gosh. God, there's all these numbers on this piece of paper.
LAURA: You've used two of them.
LIAM: I've used 17 lucks. It was a six. I'm not very good at math; I copied all of her answers.
I think that's around 13, plus eight, 21, and then the Divine Smite,
which I'm going to peg somewhere around 3d8. So a 31. That'll do.
38. That was a 42. 44. Grog, 44 points of damage.
TRAVIS: Boy, that's a lot of damage with that Divine Smite.
LIAM: Feathers everywhere, David Bowie-style. Does it hurt the ghost?
TRAVIS: Boy, it really does. You see him go like, "Ouch!" And his form shivers and stuff,
and he's like (pained sounds). You see the area where you stab evaporates
and then comes back into form, but he's still standing there
He gleams at you with these fucking dead ghost eyes.
LAURA: Is he a dwarf ghost? Because he seems rather short. He is a dwarf ghost?
TRAVIS: Yep. Yeah. He is a dwarf ghost.
LIAM: But I can attack so many times, Grog. Can I do another quickie?
LAURA: I only got one arrow. You only get one dagger.
TRAVIS: That's fair. That sounds like a good idea.
LIAM: Is that how it works?
TRAVIS: Yeah, that's how it works.
He turns to you after being like, "It hurts so bad." You really hurt him really bad.
And he is going to use Horrifying Visage on you.
LIAM: What the fuck is that?
TRAVIS: Yeah, I need you to make a wisdom saving throw.
LIAM: A wisdom saving throw? Okay, so I don't have any of that. Oh, that's good. I rolled an 18.
TRAVIS: Oh, that succeeds. You see him almost glare into your soul, you feel your little
butthole pucker, and you're like, "Oh no, it's so scary!" but you shake it off because you've seen
so much worse in your time. Yeah. And you throw up the double-birds, and he's like (hissing), and you
shake it off. That's good. Percy, it's your turn.
TALIESIN: Yes. Well, I'm going to back up and take a shot at this--
TRAVIS: Back away from the ghost, or towards him?
TALIESIN: No, away from the ghost. Away from the ghost a bit, and I'm going to take a shot.
I'll just take one, since it seems we're being sporting about it. So I'm going to use my magical
psychic shot. And that's not bad. That's a 24.
TRAVIS: 24 hits.
TALIESIN: All right. Well then, I'm going to do that, plus this. And I'm also going to hit him
with a bit of electricity, as well.
TRAVIS: Yeah, do it.
TALIESIN: Ooh, that's lovely. That's ten points of damage, plus six points
of psychic damage, plus four points of electricity.
TRAVIS: That is just enough. You hit him, and his form-- You hear this shriek, and he just--
turns into a puff of smoke. Disappears into nowhere, and the ghost is gone.
Calm retakes the hallway.
LAURA: Back towards the tip.
SAM: Yes, musicians, calm down.
LIAM: Let's refocus on the shaft.
TALIESIN: I'm going to peruse the rest of the--
TRAVIS: Make a perception check to explore the hallway.
LIAM: Just the tip, though, Percy.
TALIESIN: If I get too close to the tip, I might experience a burning sensation from the torch. 20.
TRAVIS: 20, yeah, that's great. You move forward, and you see no doorways, no exits, but you do see
a line near the end of the hallway that seems to be a bit of an inequality in the rocks. Almost
like if you push on it, something might happen.
LAURA: Maybe you should push on it, Percy?
LIAM: We should backtrack the way we came.
TALIESIN: Really? All right, I'm pushing on it.
TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah, you push on it. Give me a strength check.
TALIESIN: Oh, this will go well.
LIAM: Push it real good.
TALIESIN: Pushing. Push it. Oh no. That would be a--
LIAM: That's the lowest number you can get on that thing.
TALIESIN: That is indeed the lowest number you can get.
TRAVIS: Right. Strangely, you lean into it, about to give it a big shove, but your feet slip out
from under you on the slick rock. And you fall flat on your face, and you bite
a bit of your tongue and lip.
TALIESIN: (lisping) I could use some assistance with this. Please.
SAM: I'll show you how it's done.
Scanlan, in real life, is not a very strong person, but I'm playing my character
as very strong, so Scanlan runs in and pushes hard on the wall.
TRAVIS: Great, yeah, make a strength check.
SAM: Ooh. 16.
TRAVIS: 16. You lean in and you push, having Percy, just like little bloody mouth right next to
you, and sure enough, the wall starts to move, but you can see light coming from the other side. It's
just too heavy for you to move.
SAM: I need some help over here!
LAURA: Trinket's going to run over. Damn it, he has to cross the thingy again.
TALIESIN: He's going to have to cross the thingy again.
TRAVIS: "You know what, I got it." Grog goes up towards the end of the hallway.
He's like, "Maybe I'll just fucking handle this, you guys, don't worry."
And he rolls a million, and the door flies open. Almost comes off whatever invisible hinges it had.
Like, rock falls out of the door.
LIAM: Just like life.
TRAVIS: Yeah. Pretty much. I know. Doors can't faze me. The rest of you, it's a problem.
Not always true. You see before you a lit cavern. Something off in the distance, but you're still
in the doorway. What do you do?
SAM: A lit cabin?
TRAVIS, LIAM, and TALIESIN: Cavern.
LAURA: I'm going to shoot another oracle arrow into the lit cavern.
TRAVIS: Do you have another oracle arrow?
LAURA: I do, I have one more.
TRAVIS: Yeah? Roll to attack. Shoot.
TRAVIS: You nock, and you pull, and you release, and your vision goes into the arrow, and it shoots
forward. You see stone floors beneath you, and all of a sudden, it shoots past what looks like a
flowing fountain of water, and it just arcs past, and you see as it clears past the fountain, a
small, furry shape on the ground, and it hits into a ground, and it scatters, and the arrow shatters
on the floor.
LAURA: There's a furry shape! There's an animal in there. Let's go in! I walk into the room.
TRAVIS: Okay. So. Would you all like to follow her? You all want to go?
LIAM: I'm going to hang back at the tip of the wang there.
TRAVIS: Vax hangs back.
LAURA: Oh no, we all fell over.
TRAVIS: You all fell over. There you go. So you see this fountain right here.
LAURA: Jesus H. That's lovely, Grog.
TRAVIS: Scanlan right here, and Vax over here.
LIAM: Yeah. I don't want to leave. I don't want to go. I feel safe in the shaft.
TRAVIS: There's a fountain right in front of you, and as you go in, you see there appears to be
like, just this rouge, flushed-skin type water coming out of it. Some sort of fluid. And it's
just a beautiful fountain, right in the middle of the room. Circular, from what you can see.
What do you do?
LAURA: Where was the furry creature?
TRAVIS: It was past the fountain somewhere, you're not sure.
LAURA: I'm going to look at the ground and see if there's any traps.
TRAVIS: Traps? Do a perception check. Is that what you're doing for traps?
SAM: I think it's investigation.
TRAVIS: Okay, do roll an investigation check.
TRAVIS: 12. There do not appear to be any traps.
LAURA: Great. Then I walk forward towards the fountain. And past it.
SAM: I will stick with her. So I can protect her.
LAURA: Thank you, Scanlan.
TALIESIN: You're not doing the voice anymore?
SAM: That's only when I in-character talk to someone else.
TALIESIN: Oh, so this is the narrative. The narrative voice is different.
TRAVIS: You see before you what looks like a dog.
A tiny little dog. Where is the dog? Where's the dog gone?
Right about here, at the edge of your vision.
TALIESIN: Is the dog over there? By Bigby's Hand?
LAURA: Do you want this to be a dog?
TRAVIS: Sure, yeah, we'll use this to be a dog. Here's the dog right here.
SAM: Did you buy a dog?
TRAVIS: No, it's one of Liam's. It was in the box.
LIAM: Eight tubs of minis. Eight tubs of minis. There's a die on the map.
TRAVIS: You see a dog, his tail just sweeping behind him.
LAURA: Grog, can I cast Speak With Animals?
TRAVIS: If you'd like to.
LAURA: I want to. And I want to talk to him.
TRAVIS: Go for it.
LAURA: I want to say: Hey, dog. What are you doing down here?
TRAVIS: As you do that, the dog whips around and looks at you, jumps to its feet
and starts to growl.
Starts to growl and he's like "Intruder. Intruder!" You see as these bone shards
start to protrude from his back and shoulders. His spine starts to lengthen,
and he's no longer a fucking dice dog. It is this massive thing.
SAM: Some sort of demon dog.
LAURA: Oh shit. I immediately shoot an arrow at him.
TRAVIS: You do?
LAURA: But I want to Hunter's Mark him first.
TRAVIS: Roll to attack.
SAM: Doesn't she have to step back to shoot an arrow?
LAURA: I'm not right on him.
LIAM: You're at disadvantage if you're right up against.
LAURA: But I'm not right up against him.
SAM: Well, ask the Bunion Master.
LIAM: I mean, I just feel like that's a rule.
TRAVIS: You're at disadvantage because you're so close.
SAM: Thank you, Grog. Thank you.
LAURA: Fucking dick, Scanlan. Fine. 26.
TRAVIS: 26. You hit the vicious hell hound. What's your damage?
LAURA: Oh, okay.
LIAM: Must be like a rottweiler or something then because they're so mean. Not really. That's just a
myth, isn't it?
TALIESIN: I think it's just a myth. Although I had a neighbor with a chihuahua once.
LIAM: Maybe a chihuahua. It's probably a chihuahua.
TALIESIN: They're all bite-y.
LAURA: That's 16 plus six is 22 plus six is 28.
TRAVIS: 28 points of damage with one shot. Amazing. Great. Is that the end of your turn?
LAURA: I want Trinket to run up and attack him too.
LAURA: He does, right?
TRAVIS: Trinket runs up around the other side.
LAURA: Oh he got a natural 20!
TRAVIS: Natural 20.
TALIESIN: That means something.
TRAVIS: If you can't tell from her exuberance, a natural 20 is like the best thing you can roll.
LAURA: That's really good.
LIAM: Have you played this with him before you played with us?
LAURA: So I happened to be in the same tavern that he was in.
SAM: Yeah, we all were Vax. Sorry, we didn't want to tell you but we were all there, that's why we
know how to play the game so well.
LIAM: Why didn't you let me sleep in with Keyleth then? Why am I here? Jeez.
SAM: It's such a good game that we all wanted to play and share it with you.
LAURA: I thought you would really like it.
LIAM: I want to fucking sleep in for once.
SAM: But we also knew that we would probably win because you don't know how to play.
LAURA: Trinket attacks him.
TRAVIS: Okay great. And what's the damage?
LAURA: Oh, I don't know.
TALIESIN: This has never happened before.
LAURA: I know, he doesn't do this very often.
TRAVIS: He critted.
LAURA: He did. Ah! Okay, so 2d4 plus nine. Because it's a claw attack.
LAURA: Okay. Where's my other-- there it is.
TRAVIS: There's fucking mysterious music. Have the people change it to some sort of--
SAM: Oh sorry, change the music again please.
TALIESIN: Switch tracks, my friend.
LIAM: Is it like the ghost piano at the Magic Castle?
TRAVIS: Whoa, 23. Trinket putting out some damage.
LAURA: I mean that's pretty great, right?
TRAVIS: Yeah, that's pretty good.
LAURA: I should have had him do that before me, I could have gotten sneak attack damage.
TRAVIS: Yeah, seriously. Okay so, as Trinket attacks and takes a vicious chunk out of the side
of this hell hound right--
LAURA: With his claws!
TRAVIS: You hear a growl even further into the cavern.
LAURA and TALIESIN: Oh no.
LIAM: How far does this go? Oh look, isn't that clever!
LAURA: Oh it's boobies. I thought it was an anus.
LIAM: It's tits.
LAURA: I thought it was an anus.
SAM: No, that's just the shape of the cavern.
TRAVIS: No, these are caverns.
TRAVIS: What are you smoking? And you see from behind the fountain coming another hell hound to
see what the cry of its fallen brethren are.
TALIESIN: I'm going to take a run at the first one and I'm going to throw my spear.
TRAVIS: You're going to throw your spear?
SAM: The spear that you picked up at the tavern?
TALIESIN: I am. I pick up that tavern spear and I'm going to throw it.
TRAVIS: Actually, now the other ones as well, I need you to roll initiative again.
LIAM: Okay we're doing it again, let's roll one of these little balls.
TALIESIN: 16 yet again.
TRAVIS: 21. Vax, you, back near the tip, are up.
LIAM: Okay, I click my boots. Do I have my boots?
TRAVIS: Do you normally have your boots?
TRAVIS: Then you do.
LIAM: Fuck yeah! I click the boots, and I bolt through, out the end of the penis and to the
boobs, or the egg, or whatever it is. I go from the tunnel--
TRAVIS: The hallway.
LIAM: Yeah, the hallway into the cavern. The first round cavern that is identical to the next one.
TRAVIS: Strange words coming out of your mouth. You come into the cavern.
LIAM: Painful stuff. Yeah, I'd like to run around between my sister and Trinket and get up into the
grill of that first spiky dog, because I should have a better chance of hitting it because it's so
preoccupied with my sister.
TRAVIS: Move your little character wherever you'd like to go, yeah.
LIAM: Jeez. So I jump over here. So I bang like that, I can jump over Grog, and I go (whoop), right up
in the middle like that. And then I stab.
TRAVIS: You stab. Roll to attack.
LIAM: I'm going to roll twice. Because I'm feeling good. Ooh, that's good. 30.
TRAVIS: That hits.
LIAM: Oh, it does. Okay. So I roll this pointy one that's like a caltrop, and that's a two. And then
I add eight to that, that's a ten. And then I roll again for psychic damage. That's 12. Look at all
these in a box, oh my God, look at that. 14, eight, no. 25. 29. 32. 32, Grog.
TRAVIS: With that first dagger, you sink it into the side of the hell hound, and you hear a (pained squeal),
and he recoils from the pain, and all of a sudden, his flesh and fur just turns into flame,
and he catches fire and burns into nothing. He just absolutely disintegrates.
LAURA: Does that hurt Trinket standing right next to him?
TRAVIS: No, it doesn't.
LIAM: And then we all only get one attack per turn, is that right?
TRAVIS: Well, don't you have more attacks? Normally I see you do a lot of shit.
LIAM: I do, but before-- Yes. I have four more. Five more, seven more attacks.
TRAVIS: How about one more attack? Sounds good.
LIAM: One more attack is good. It might be more, but we'll just do one more.
LAURA: That's a really cool dagger.
LIAM: That's a 31.
TRAVIS: That hits.
LIAM: Yeah. On that one, I'm throwing it, so that's not as crazy because I kind of blew my wad
on the first one. That's a nine.
TRAVIS: A nine?
LIAM: A nine.
TRAVIS: Nine damage?
LAURA: Trinket did more damage than that.
TRAVIS: The bear did.
LIAM: How much did he do total?
LIAM: Were you here when I did, like, 30-something on the attack just before?
TRAVIS: This is not a competition. You hit it, and it totally gets its attention. It sinks right into
its shoulder blade, and it's (pained growling), and focuses on you.
LIAM: It focuses on me, but it was talking to you.
TRAVIS: That's true, yeah. Scanlan, you're up.
SAM: I'm going to step forward and call to the beast. "Beast, look in my eyes and follow my
"commands!" And I will cast Dominate Monster on the beast. He has to roll a wisdom save.
TRAVIS: You got it. Okay.
SAM: Against 22.
LIAM: You must face Bavmorda.
TRAVIS: 20. It fails. You dominate the monster.
SAM: I command you, beast, to attack this bear.
SAM: Relentless attack!
LAURA: What the fuck?!
SAM: I don't get to do this in real life, so I thought I'd experiment with different things in
TRAVIS: And next in the initiative order is actually the hell hound, and he takes off running
straight towards Trinket. Yeah, it's real unfortunate. He's going to unleash a bite att--
No, he's going to do Firebreath in a 15-foot cone. Must make a DC 12 dexterity saving throw.
LAURA: Who all is in that cone?
TRAVIS: Roll a dexterity saving throw, Vex, Vax, and Trinket.
LIAM: Vex, Vax, and Trinket? Oh. Oh, my boots are on, so I do better at that now.
LAURA: Oh no. That's terrible for both of us. Well, not bad for me. 18.
LIAM: 21 for me.
LAURA: 18 for me.
TRAVIS: You both succeed.
LAURA: Trinket, though, is a four.
TALIESIN: A four?
LAURA: He's not very dexterous.
TRAVIS: So Trinket takes 29 points of fire damage.
LIAM and LAURA: Oh no.
LIAM: So what does he look like? Set the scene for us.
TRAVIS: You guys both take 19 points of fire damage. Halved, because you made the save.
SAM: Wait, 19 is half of what?
SAM: Of 29? That tracks for Grog, sure.
LIAM: But what am I subtracting that from?
LAURA: Your health.
LIAM: What health?
LAURA: How much health do you have?
TRAVIS: Call it 14 points. We'll call it 14 points.
LIAM: I feel fine.
SAM: The BM is always right.
LIAM: Percival, what do I subtract it from?
TALIESIN: From your hit points.
LIAM: What are hit points?
TALIESIN: Your hit points are your hit points.
LIAM: Is that over here somewhere?
TALIESIN: I mean, I would hope so.
TRAVIS: You can read, right?
LIAM: I mean, I can. Doesn't mean I do.
TRAVIS: Well, you should.
SAM: Grog, this noob is bringing the whole table down.
TRAVIS: I know, it's terrible. I mean seriously.
LIAM: That says my name, Vax'ildan--
LAURA: Oh, right here.
LAURA: Right. There.
LIAM: Oh, I got a lot. That's so many hit points. I bet I have the most in the group. So I take
away, I think you said 14.
LAURA: Jeez, Trinket's pretty close to dying.
TRAVIS: Percival, you're up.
TALIESIN: I've really been excited about the spear so I'm going to run forward and throw my spear.
TRAVIS: Okay, what's your speed? How far can you move?
TALIESIN: I can move 30.
TRAVIS: 30? One, two, three--
TALIESIN: One, two, three, four, five, six...
TRAVIS: So unfortunately, Trinket stands between you and the hell hound.
TALIESIN: Well, I was going to angle out my little walk a bit to the outskirts.
TRAVIS: Out this way more?
TALIESIN: Yeah, out that way more.
TRAVIS: Okay, so maybe over here?
TALIESIN: Right there. Yeah, like there. And I think I can throw it--
TRAVIS: You want to throw it?
TALIESIN: Yeah, like a javelin, yes.
TRAVIS: Okay, roll an attack at disadvantage.
TALIESIN: Why disadvantage?
TRAVIS: Because I've never seen you throw a fucking spear before.
TALIESIN: What is my attack with the spear?
TRAVIS: Plus two.
TALIESIN: All right.
LAURA: Oh shit, that's really low. Roll high, darling.
TALIESIN: A seven then, if it's plus two.
TRAVIS: Yeah, good. You throw the spear and it--
SAM: Hits Trinket!
TRAVIS: It just disappears. You're not quite sure where but you hear a sploosh. You hear the splash
as it seems to disappear into the fountain behind the hell hound.
TALIESIN: Well, fine then. I'm going to just sit there and be disappointed then.
TRAVIS: Good, nice. Vex, you're up.
LAURA: Oh, okay.
TRAVIS: You have a bonus action if you want it.
TALIESIN: Okay. What can I do with a bonus action? Can I just do whatever I like?
SAM: I've seen you burn grits.
TRAVIS: Yeah, I just assume you'll know that better than me.
TALIESIN: I let you cook, this is your mansion.
SAM: That's true.
TALIESIN: And my grits are best burnt. Makes them a little crispy.
LAURA: I'm going to-- Trinket is going to bite him back because he's a dick.
TRAVIS: Nice, roll an attack.
LAURA: Okay. That's good. 28.
TRAVIS: That'll hit.
LAURA: Okay. So he's going to do this. Ten for him. Does he get my Hunter's Mark as well?
LAURA: All right. Just checking. And then I'm going to shoot an arrow while he's doing that so
the creature's distracted, right?
TRAVIS: Sounds good.
LIAM: Why do you decide for Trinket what Trinket does?
LAURA: Well, I mean, he's not at the table playing right now, so I have to say what he's going to do.
TRAVIS: He's outside.
LAURA: No, he's right behind me.
TRAVIS: Oh, he's asleep?
LAURA: Yeah, he's right there.
TRAVIS: Oh, sorry. He blends into the furniture.
SAM: It's true, all my furniture is bearskin furniture.
TRAVIS: That's super insensitive.
LIAM: But only since you met Vex.
LAURA: I got 31.
TRAVIS: 31 damage?
LAURA: No, 31 to hit.
TRAVIS: Oh, to hit. It hits.
SAM: I don't even clean it, it's just bloody bear skin.
LAURA: You're terrible. 16, 17. Where are they?
LIAM: Just make it up, this is imagination.
TRAVIS: Are you lacking die?
LAURA: I don't know.
TRAVIS: How is that possible?
LAURA: Oh, what did I say I was at?
LAURA: 13? Okay, good. 13, 16, 17.
TRAVIS: And with that you hit the hell hound and the arrow sinks in and he too starts to catch fire
from the wound and he's like (howling), and he just evaporates.
LAURA: I killed it!
TALIESIN: Look at that. That's brilliant.
LAURA: It's dead. Trinket and I killed it! Good job, darling.
TRAVIS: Yeah. Not that's it's a competition, but you've killed something, Trinket's killed
something, and you've killed something.
SAM: Any points?
LIAM: Did I get any points? Did I get any XP?
TRAVIS: There were only 450 to give out for the entire game, so it's all been used.
TALIESIN: You still have another 200 to give.
TRAVIS: There is 200 more to give. You'll get 50 XP.
LAURA: Thank you.
TRAVIS: Thank you, Percival.
TALIESIN: You're welcome.
TRAVIS: I can only juggle so many, you know, parrots at one time.
LIAM: So how it works is you have to get all the XP at the very beginning.
TALIESIN: Yeah, the XB.
LIAM: The XB; what does the B stand for?
SAM: Boints. Xylophone bears.
TRAVIS: So the hell hounds have been destroyed and the cavern is again quiet. What would you like to do?
LAURA: I want to run my hands through the fountain.
TRAVIS: Okay. So you go up to the fountain--
SAM: I'd like to go to the other fountain and do the same.
TRAVIS: You can go to this one, yep.
LAURA: Just so we can do this. In the fountain water.
TRAVIS: Roll a constitution saving throw.
LAURA: Oh no!
LIAM: Gently first, though.
TRAVIS: Yeah, it's just water.
LAURA: Oh good. Okay. So I'm going to wash my hands off.
TRAVIS: So you notice as you're washing your hands off right, it's a very nice color, Grog wanders off--
SAM: Do the fountains get any harder?
TRAVIS: No they don't. Just nice and yeah.
TALIESIN: Is it hard water or soft water I think is what he's asking.
TRAVIS: It's a good question. Would you like to roll an intelligence check?
TALIESIN: I'm going to roll an intelligence check on that.
TRAVIS: Which fountain are you inspecting?
TALIESIN: I'm inspecting Scanlan's fountain.
TRAVIS: Okay, you come over to Scanlan's fountain and you're inspecting that one as well.
LIAM: Maybe you should taste it.
LAURA: Shut up. That's-- no, he really shouldn't.
TALIESIN: Ooh. Is this investigation?
TALIESIN: Intelligence? All right, then that's a 24.
TRAVIS: 24, yeah, this is very soft water. It is very nice. It's got like a salt treatment to it.
It's very nice, yeah. It's good for your skin, there's vitamins in there, there's potassium and
mercury and stuff.
LAURA: Do you have any dessert? Do you have servants making any dessert?
SAM: In this or in the game?
LAURA: In here, in the mansion.
SAM: In the mansion. Sure, yes. We have some desserts. Trying to think of vegan desserts. Not flan.
TALIESIN: You know, you can make a very nice vegan creme brulee.
SAM: Sorbet is right. It's just fruit and sugar, right? All right. Five...six? Five. We're five.
LAURA: Yeah. Well, six because we might have extra. Trinket.
SAM: Five pomegranate sorbets please.
SAM: Seeds in.
TRAVIS: So as you're inspecting the fountains, you notice that Grog, having watched you guys be very
careful checking for traps and everything is doing the same, he's trying to do his part. Yeah, and lo
and behold he finds an edge in the wall just like you found before and he pushes it open and inside
there is 20 platinum.
LAURA: 20 platinum?!
TRAVIS: Yeah. "Guys! I found 20 platinum in this secret passage."
LAURA: Oh my god. Can I see some platinum too? Can I go over there?
TRAVIS: Platinum's mine, but you never know what else is around. Maybe look for yourself.
LAURA: I look for other secret doors.
TRAVIS: All right, roll a perception check. Investigation check!
LAURA: Okay. 25.
TRAVIS: 25? Yeah, in fact on the exact opposite side of the cavern you find a similar door and do
you want to push it open?
TRAVIS: Yeah. So you push and there seems to be something coiled up on the ground in the corner.
LAURA: Is it a monster or is it platinum?
TRAVIS: It's not a creature or anything. Do you want it or not?
LAURA: Does it look like platinum?
TRAVIS: Could be.
LAURA: Okay. Can I look at it?
TRAVIS: Yeah. Roll a perception check.
TRAVIS: It's a big pile of poop.
TRAVIS: You found a poo.
LIAM: May I search the bottom of each nipple?
TRAVIS: Each what?
LAURA: It's a fountain.
LIAM: That's what I said.
TRAVIS: You want to search the bottom of each fountain?
LIAM: Like feel around, see if there's any loot.
TRAVIS: Which one would you like to start on? Scanlan's or--?
LIAM: Well there's one right behind me.
TRAVIS: Yeah, sure.
LIAM: I should do the one closest to me.
TRAVIS: There you go.