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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: The Queens of Comedy

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DJ: Our special guests, ladies and gentlemen,

in the studio, the Queens of Comedy!

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

DJ: It ain't nothin' but a queen thing this mornin', baby.

Hey, Memphisians, this is Mo'nique.

Interstate, this is the house of the skins. Can I help you?

LAURA: What's happenin', home biscuits? Ms. Laura.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! Oh, shit!

ADELE: Memphis,Tennessee, Adele Givens. I'm such a lady.

Somethin' inappropriate about taking off your skirt

with a picture of your baby in your hand, isn't it?

And this is Sommore again.

(CHUCKLES)

What do they call that? Yeah.

SOMMORE: And we are...

ALL: The Queens of Comedy!

And I'm table dancin' here!

This is my table dance.

That's one more.

That's how big girls dance, you know.

Put that bullshit all up there. Right.

MO'NIQUE: Yeah, go!

(HORN HONKING)

Let 'em have it!

MO'NIQUE: Tonight we're makin' history.

This is the first time

four women has been on stage at one time makin' a movie.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Orpheum Theater in Memphis, Tennessee!

And now, show your love for the one and only

Ms. Laura!

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey!

What's goin' on, Memphis?

(ALL CHEERING)

LAURA: All right!

How good to see y'all again,

and, man, what a beautiful theater!

Go ahead, y'all.

Y'all big ballin' up in here.

Man, you better be glad this ain't the '70s.

I'd be boostin' all this shit.

Ooh, I guess y'all been doin' all right, huh?

You're lookin' good.

Man, I been in trouble.

I got three grandchildren now,

Moe, Larry and Curly.

Or should I say

Leelee, Monie and Woowoo?

We be givin' 'em some names, don't we?

Man, they came through the house

like little Tasmanian Devils.

I got one 12, who's forever on the telephone.

"Grandma, I got business."

I got one that's eight years old

that's forever askin' me every question in the world.

Then there's that little ol' 15-month old,

who can't say nothin' but, "Eh, eh,"

who thinks he's a gymnast and is forever climbin'

and runnin' all over stuff.

And that little one right in the middle,

little Monie,

(SIGHS) boy, I'll tell you, she asks a bunch of questions.

Always wants some money for somethin'.

You know, I used to could say no to my kids easy,

but sometimes it's kind of hard

to say no to your grandbabies, you know?

She come walkin' up to me...

"Grandma, can I have $30 to see pay per view?

"I wanna see The Rock."

I'm not knowin'. I didn't know who the fuck The Rock was.

I know he was a grown-ass man.

I was, like, "Baby, I'm not givin' you $30 for no damn pay per view."

She said, "But grandma, he is fine!"

I was like, "What the fuck you know about fine?"

"Grandma, don't cuss. That's not nice."

"You right, baby, you right.

"What the hell you know about fine?"

"Grandma, I'll go get you a picture. Okay?"

"Well, go get the damn thing then."

She come back, showed me the picture...

I say, "Goddamn.

"This motherfucker is fine."

Well, look, grandma got 30...

I'm gonna have to take this time to just talk to y'all

for a minute, Memphis, 'cause I need to tell y'all

how much I appreciate you.

Because only in Memphis... Oh, this is so emotional...

...only in Memphis can a bitch like me

walk into a hair salon where they do hair and nails

and make a request like...

My 2 big toes is ugly,

and I just want to know, as my sister,

will you put two fake fingernails

on my big toenails so my feet will look good?

I sure will. No problem.

See?

Aah!

Did you ever take a class

in puttin' fingernails on toes?

WOMAN: Uh-uh.

Just that... Was you ever trained?

That never happened, did it?

WOMAN: But you know what?

That...

You ain't never done that before.

You're a goddamn guinea pig monkey.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

They just mad.

See, they already have pretty big toes.

I don't.

Ha! She gave me the finger with the monkey feet.

I... I'm talkin' to you as a friend

and a Queen of Comedy.

I want you...

...to take them monkey feet... (CHUCKLES)

(SNORTS)

...out of the bucket. Please?

Can we have security on the property?

How about this?

I'm gonna be able to bat my eyes like Bette Davis.

Ms. Laura's goin' through the change of life

and she wanted to try a new experiment and get single eyelashes.

Nobody's eyelashes are that long.

MO'NIQUE: You look crazy!

You look like a bunny!

They ran out of short black ones in the store.

They have ran out of lashes.

(WOMAN CHUCKLES)

Did you hear that?

Cut them down off of my sister and glue 'em on that eye.

That's what this is all about, feelin' good about yourself,

even if you got one eyelash.

You don't come over here, 'cause I don't trust you.

(CHUCKLING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Ooh, hold up.

Wait a minute.

Hey, is the security still out there?

The two by the door?

Okay, cool. I'm sorry. I apologize.

Ex-husband in town.

Motherfucker get a Vietnam flashback, come lookin' for me.

I don't know why he'd want to fuck with me.

I come from a big family of girls.

My daddy didn't play. He raised us tough, baby.

He was like, "I ain't raisin' no punk bitches."

And you couldn't go to my daddy

with what he called sissy shit, you know.

"Daddy can we outside and play with Barbie?"

"Fuck Barbie!

"Better get your ass out there and build me a sofa."

And he taught us to stick together, too.

You marry one of us, you marry all of us.

Okay?

And when there's some problems,

we'll get together, baby, 'cause Moms is the dispatcher.

Oh, my little sister got in trouble.

She had to call Mama.

(MIMICS SOBBING) "Mama, this nigger hit me."

Whoo, Mama was cool, though.

She's like, "Don't worry about it, baby."

Moms hung up the phone,

dialed one number, all our phones rang.

"Bertha, Laura, Uela, Ruthie?

"Get on over to Alice's house. That nigger done gone crazy."

That's all we needed.

We jumped in the car. We rollin'.

We slappin' five over the seat.

(INHALES) Here, bitch, hit this. Shit!

Get to the house, screech up real fast, walk in the door,

the nigger just about to hit my sister,

we go, "Oh, no, not tonight, motherfucker!"

(MOUTHING) Nigger, what?

Nigger, what?

Nigger, who?

Uh-uh!

We didn't play that.

No, baby, I have no shame in my game.

I got 40 or 50 of these at home.

Oh, baby, yeah, I'll fix it up better

when I get in the back, but, uh...

I was young and wild.

Now, I could do this shit in the dark.

My drawers might be on backwards,

but this hair gonna be straight.

Memphis!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Yeah!

Coming to you

all the way from the queendom of Chicago,

from The Tracey Ullman Show,

the Queen of Comedy from Def Comedy Jam,

she's such a fuckin' lady!

Memphis.

Welcome Queen Adele!

(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

What's up, Memphis, Tennessee?

(AUDIENCE SCREAMING)

Oh, yeah!

Do I look like a fuckin' lady or what?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I am so glad y'all decided

to join the Queens of Comedy tonight!

So glad I see so many queens

in the house with me tonight!

Hey!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

See?

Now, ladies, that love that y'all just gave me,

I want you to give it to your damn selves.

(ALL SCREAMING)

That's right, 'cause y'all know we been bullshittin'

for the last few years, and we gonna stop that.

We've been trippin' about flaws.

A flaw ain't shit but a unique identifyin' mark.

Everybody got a flaw.

If you get a big belly, rub that motherfucker.

Love it!

Ladies, let me tell you somethin' tonight.

I don't care what's wrong with you

or how fucked up you think you are,

somebody love your ass.

Hear me?

That's right.

So if you're buck-toothed, bitch, relax.

Chill out, bucky baby. You gonna be all right,

'cause I'll bet there's a man in the house right now,

don't want nothin' less than a bitch

who can bite an apple through a picket fence.

I swear to God.

That's right.

I want you to quit disrespectin' yourselves, ladies.

Quit trippin' 'bout little bitty flaws, all right?

I don't give a shit what's goin' on.

If you're cockeyed, find a man who had a stroke, goddamn it.

That's right. You cockeyed, he's sideways.

Y'all the perfect goddamn couple. What?

Shit.

We can't trip no more. Know that you are beautiful.

I don't give a damn what. Understand that.

You know what happened.

We started gettin' tricked by these magazines and these televisions.

These bitches is trip trickin' you.

You think you can live up to them celebrity bitches, don't you?

Well, it can't happen 'cause the hoes ain't real.

You know, they build them bitches. You know that.

Buyin' titties, which I don't understand.

Why you go and buy titties when you got socks at home?

Ladies, these hoes are not made out of the same stuff you made out of.

You a real woman. Them bitches are not.

They there to entertain your ass.

You know they ain't made out of your shit,

'cause you read about 'em goin' to the hospital

for shit like exhaustion and dehydration.

Now, what bitch you know so tired,

she gotta go to the hospital?

I know some exhausted bitches.

I know some women got two jobs, six kids, no man.

The bitch got things to do.

You hear me?

She got to go to PTA meetings,

after school programs, football practice,

riverboat casino. This bitch is exhausted.

She ain't goin' no hospital.

She can't. Who goin' to watch them bad-ass children when she gone?

In the real world, when you get exhausted,

you take a fuckin' nap, don'tcha?

You stop lettin' them bitches trick you,

'cause they will trick you and they'll use your kids to trick you.

You see these commercials where they got kids now

tryin' to fuck with your self-esteem.

But it's all about attitude.

I saw this one Jenny Craig commercial,

this woman comes out there all distraught and fucked up talkin' about,

(MIMICS SOBBING) "I knew I had to do something,

"because I woke up one morning and my daughter said, 'Mommy, you're fat!'

"And I knew I had to do something.

"So I picked up that phone and I called Jenny Craig."

You know they flip the screen, she come back, like, two weeks later.

"I lost 15 pounds on Jenny Craig and I feel great!"

I say, "Yeah, that's good, bitch, but you need a new attitude."

'Cause had that been me on that commercial,

it would've went the same way with a different attitude.

I'd a said, "Well, I knew I had to do somethin',

"because I woke up one morning and my daughter said, 'Mommy, you're fat!'

"And I knew I had to do somethin'.

"So I picked up that phone

"and I knocked that little bitch down a flight of stairs."

I whupped her little ass that day.

Told her, "You're the reason why Mama's so fuckin' fat!

"Carryin' your little bald-head ass around for nine months."

I beat her so long, I lost 15 pounds,

and now I feel great.

Right foot!

Left foot!

I don't know how to do it.

All right now. Cha cha now.

Turn around.

You don't want to go to work all messed up.

You want your shit lookin' good.

Now, we gonna need us some Versace housekeepin' outfits.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah! This is the shit. Now, watch.

Watch this come in style, y'all.

(CHUCKLES)

People gonna be wearin' it, talkin' about,

"Girl, this the housekeepin' shit."

WOMAN: Okay.

Remember the 11th commandment.

Finders keepers...

ALL: Losers weepers.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Have a happy housekeepin', ladies.

WOMAN: Oh, yeah.

Ooh, he threw a kiss at me.

Back to you, sweetheart.

They so nice in Memphis.

Or is this the ho stroll? Is this the ho stroll? (CHUCKLES)

Am I a hooker?

Men throwin' kisses at me and offerin' me money.

They might not recognize me.

I might just be where the hookers be at.

Is this where they buy the cootchie at?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Music is pure entertainment.

Sometimes they got a good message, great,

but a lot of times it's just for your fun and enjoyment.

Now, TLC made No Scrubs,

and we treated that bullshit like some sort of national anthem, didn't we?

Man tryin' to talk to you, you got your hand all in his face...

No, I don't want your number

Y'all gonna fuck around, miss your man with that bullshit.

That's what's gonna happen.

You can't listen to TLC.

How you gonna take love advice from a bitch named Left Eye?

You ask that ho about a contact lens or somethin'.

Don't ask her about no man.

It ain't like she got a history of harmony

in her own goddamn relationships, is it?

Ain't that the same one that burned up her scrub tub?

Don't fuck around with TLC. They contradicted they own selves.

'Cause I know they singin' they don't want no scrubs.

That's 'cause they got this $10 million record deal,

but a few years ago, when their ass was bankrupt,

they wasn't too proud to beg, was they?

They was creepin' and shit, wasn't they?

You caught them hoes on the right day at the right time,

you got the red light special, didn't you?

I wasn't impressed no way, 'cause that shit sound like a joke that I wrote.

All you have to do is break out them old Def Comedy Jam tapes.

I'm the bitch on there sayin', "Hey ladies, why is it when there's two brothers in a car,

"it's always the one on the passenger side

"that says, 'Hey, baby, you want a ride?'"

And I say, "What the fuck I'm gonna do, take your place? Ain't you gettin' a ride?"

These heifers put music to it, got a hit record,

they ain't gave me a fuckin' nickel.

When they find Left Eye, I'm suin' the bitch for that right eye she got.

That's what's gonna happen.

Crazy-assed people, crazy-assed world.

I know why this world crazy, too.

I been checkin' this bullshit out.

You know why we fucked up? 'Cause we eatin' them fuckin' Oodles of Noodles.

That's why.

Ramen noodles, Roman noodles,

you know what the fuck I'm talkin' about.

That shit ain't lunch.

When you had spam, you didn't do no crazy shit.

Now you got some bullshit that all it take is water,

three minutes, only cost a dime a pack.

That's a trap. That ain't no fuckin' meal.

And it ain't just the kids, you know.

That's why I'm glad my grandmother was here

until she was 92, because she balanced

this crazy shit out for you, you know.

When you got somebody in your life 92 years old,

that's a wisdom you can't buy nowhere.

You know what I'm sayin'?

And I know what she mean now, 'cause my grandmother

used to always say, you know, we livin' in our last days.

She used to say that all the time. We livin' in our last days.

She fucked me up as a child.

You don't say no bullshit like that to a 5-year-old.

Every day I woke up scareder than a motherfucker.

"Grandma, this it?

"Can I ride my bike one more time?"

I love my grandma, but she scared the fuck out of me for years.

When I grew up and she was older,

now, when she was 92 she said that same shit,

and I just grabbed her ass in the car and said,

"Hey, Grandma, why the fuck we gotta be livin' in our last days?

"That's your goddamn fantasy.

"You're 92. You done did all the fuck you want to do.

"I bet you when you was 20 and fuckin' Granddaddy,

"we wasn't livin' in our last days, was we?"

'Cause you think about it. Why would you want to share that kind of shit

with somebody anyway?

Say you knew we livin' in our last days?

Why the fuck you gonna fuck up my last few days with the news?

Just buy a bitch a pizza and surprise a ho.

(CHUCKLES)

That was my heart, though. That was my heart.

She was...

WOMAN: Tic tac!

Ain't no tic tac tonight, baby,

but we'll talk about some more shit, you know.

Motherfuckers who open their mouth with teeth

that look like tools and shit, you know.

I saw 'em. Them motherfuckers look like some goddamn...

...look like she can walk in Sears

and put Black & Decker's ass right on out of business.

But I love you.

'Cause I love my grandma. I need to tribute to her 'cause I love my grandma.

She... In fact, she's the reason

why I'm still standin' here doin' comedy.

For real.

She is.

Because, you know, I had gotten discouraged.

I said I wasn't gonna do it because I had did a show and I gave it my all.

I don't know if y'all know, but I use y'all for therapists.

I talk to y'all 'cause I know y'all can relate to the shit I'm talkin' about, you know?

So I talk to y'all and I put my heart into it.

And I gave a great show one night,

and a lady came up to me after the show and she said,

"Adele, we loved you. You were funny as shit."

She said, "But you have a filthy mouth."

And I was all fucked up, 'cause I wasn't thinkin'

at the time that that's a control issue.

When somebody tell you how you should talk,

that's a motherfucker that want to control you.

But I wasn't thinkin' that, see?

I was just discouraged that one of my fans

thought I had a filthy mouth.

And I said, "Fuck it, I'm through. I'm quittin'. Shit."

My grandmother...

My grandmother talked to me, said, "Look, you don't quit, bitch,

"unless you want to quit. You don't let nobody make you quit."

I said, "But grandma, that lady said I had a filthy mouth."

She said, "Come here, baby, let me tell you somethin'."

She said, "The next time somebody tell you

"you got a filthy mouth, you let 'em know...

"It ain't what come out your mouth that make it filthy,

"it's what you put in there."

She said, "Then you tell 'em you wash all the dicks you suck, hear?"

I said, "Yes, ma'am."

Be careful, y'all. Ladies, when you're havin' a baby,

make sure you name' em some shit that they can live up to.

'Cause I got friends ain't gonna never live up to they names.

I do. Mmm-hmm. I got a friend named Alexis,

look like a Buick.

Not a regular Buick.

One of them old fucked up 1973 Buicks.

One of the doors a different color

than the rest of the car. All fucked up.

Mmm-hmm. I got a friend named Champagne.

Look like a 40.

Not a regular 40. One of the kind you grab the bottle

and bust it on the curb, then cut a bitch with, you know.

Ol' roughneck 40.

And I don't want to see what I saw in the airport today.

This shit was scary.

Now, y'all know it's hard to find a ugly baby.

But they out there.

And they're a hell of a sight, 'cause you don't see 'em, while most babies is cute.

But I saw this little motherfucker in the airport today...

Oh, that big-head motherfucker!

Oh, he had a big giant-ass head.

He was leaning, 'cause he was trying to keep up

with that motherfucker.

He was cross-eyed, knock-kneed.

Oh, he had a Pamper swolled about six times its size

where he done pissed. His t-shirt was dirty

with a sucker stuck on it with lint. He's tryin' to run and play.

His mother talkin' about, "Come here, Denzel!"

"Who, bitch?"

Bitch, he gonna need a nickname.

How about "Head"? Let's call that motherfucker Head.

Hey, Memphis, Tennessee, thank y'all so much

for joining the Queens of Comedy! We love y'all!

(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

Can I just, uh... Please speak to the folk in America?

See, this is what's happenin'.

You know, um, see, because me and Adele,

we ain't made up.

We just flew in... Bad flight.

Right, right, right.

That bitch there...

She right at home.

She prime like a bull.

She went to bed and woke up ready.

Ain't this some bullshit?

She got on pumps and heels.

Look at my motherfuckin' shoes.

I got on big Herman shoes.

That bitch got on 3-inch heeled spikes.

You don't do that fool shit.

Matter of fact, she ain't a Queen of Comedy.

She has just been dismissed.

I am Diana Ross of the Supremes, bitch,

and you will not be tourin' with us.

I want Mary Wilson out the fuckin' group!

(CHUCKLES)

She brings... She...

She brings problems.

I want her dismissed right now.

We was on schedule till we picked your ass up.

Ain't nobody gonna say the shit 'cause they my motherfuckin' friends!

Your trick ass is back there

lookin' like a goddamn beauty queen

at 6:00 in the motherfuckin' mornin'!

And that's why we're not on fuckin' schedule!

Now let the truth really be said!

You two skinny bitches ain't gonna sing nothin'.

Yours and that bitch that's settin' back there,

she already been to the fuckin' beauty shop!

And I don't play it!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Damn, brothers, y'all got some good lines.

Uh-uh!

Don't act like you don't know.

You know how we be at your apartment house, wherever you live,

and you be tryin' to get a little pussy...

And that's okay. That's okay. That's cool. It's normal.

A man is gonna to try.

But we ain't ready to give you none, and we got to go.

But you don't want us to leave,

so you'll try to make us feel guilty.

Uh, girl, you leavin'?

How you gonna leave?

You gonna leave me like this?

Touch it. It ain't never been this big.

It ain't never been this hard.

And this has got to be the best line of all.

Just let me put the head in.

Just let you put the head in.

Do you know how many times I let a nigger put the head in?

I got two babies by the head.

Memphis!

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Yeah!

From the queendom of Trenton, New Jersey,

she was the first host of BET's Comicview,

she hosted Def Jam,

you've seen her on The Hughleys,

The Oprah Winfrey Show.

You don't know money like she knows money.

She's the diva of comedy!

Welcome, Memphis, Queen Sommore!

(AUDIENCE SCREAMING)

Who's bad?

Who's bad?

Who's bad?

Who's bad?

Who's bad?

Who's bad?

Let me say what a bitch is

Long Island riches

No time for the little kids

You see, the bigger dick, the bigger the bank...

Now, y'all know a bitch just got out of jail.

Y'all need to act like you're happy to see me in this motherfucker.

Can you dig this?

You're really gonna miss this

(SONG CONTINUES)

Baby, I'm tellin' y'all right now,

first they started lockin' up football players,

then they started lockin' up rappers.

Now they lockin' up bitches with good pussy.

All y'all better hide!

Baby, they put a bitch in jail!

Lord, I thought they was playin'!

Baby, they put a bitch in jail for five motherfuckin' days!

And you know when you in jail, five days feel like 50 days.

But I was strong. The bitch was strong.

You know what I'm sayin'? I tried to hold it together.

I felt like Tupac when I went in there.

Keep your head up.

Baby, but when the reality that a bitch was in jail...

Set in, I felt like Miss Sophia on The Color Purple!

Lawd!

Please help me! I don't like the devil!

Lawd!

Ooh!

I ain't never seen so many dykes in my life.

Baby, the dykes was on me!

God, there was this one dyke. That bitch was aggressive.

One dyke won't leave me alone.

I said, "Bitch, leave me alone.

"Leave me alone."

I figure, since I was incarcerated, I talk like a slave,

"Bitch, leave me alone.

"Look, I has got a man, leave me alone."

That bitch looked at me and said, "Eating ain't cheating."

I said, "Well, bitch, we ain't be fightin' 'cause we ain't dykin'."

Baby, I'm tellin' you!

And the worst thing you ever want to do in jail

is you don't want to look sexy.

I was tryin' to look as unsexy as possible.

You know, the ass is already a little flat.

I was smashin' that motherfucker way in walkin'.

Baby, I'm gonna tell y'all one thing.

Any place where dick ain't runnin' free ain't for me!

Fuck it!

Whoo! I'm tellin' you, I said, "Lord, please don't let my one time..."

'Cause I got this one prayer I say all the time every night,

just for my ass to swell up.

I say, "Lord, whatever you do, don't let my ass swell up this time

"while I'm in here!"

I'm for real. That's my number one prayer,

to get me a big ass.

The titties is all right, but the ass is kind of flat.

The bitch is wide,

but it ain't got no weight on it!

I see the brothers know what I mean when I say

"some weight on it."

I want me one of them ball-a-call asses, you know.

I want a ass so big that when I'm walkin' through the club,

a man could just take his drink and lay it up on my ass

and I don't even know it's there.

I'm just movin' on through the club and shit,

knockin' drinks off the tables and shit,

movin' tablecloths over and shit.

I want me a big ol' ign'ant ass.

The kind of ass you just frown up... You be, like, damn!

I want a ass so big that if I'm on top,

he roll me over, I'm still on top.

It's a wrap-around ass.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah.

I hate to see other women with big asses.

I seen a lady down on Beale Street had a real big ol' ass.

She gonna try to be friendly with me.

Now, she got a real big ol' ass, a real flat stomach,

but she was flat-chested.

Came over to me askin' me questions and shit,

talkin' about, "Sommore, you know, what can I do

"to make my titties look really, really big

"without gettin' silicone?"

I said, "Bitch, get you some toilet tissue.

"And rub it in between your titties."

She said, "Well, how is that gonna help me?"

I said, "I don't know, bitch, but it's done wonders for your ass."

Whoo! I'm for real!

Well, I'm gonna get me a big ass.

I'm for real, 'cause science and medicine is a motherfucker nowadays.

You know, they got a pill for any fuckin' thing you want.

Do you realize that science and medicine

has got together and created so much bullshit

that we spend money on bullshit

like Viagra and breast implants

and we ignore important shit like Alzheimer's disease?

Do you realize by the time we all get old, we're gonna be walkin' around

with big ol' titties and big ol' dicks

and don't remember what to do with 'em?

I'm for real!

I know a motherfucker bought some bootleg Viagra.

Everything swelled up except his dick.

But you gotta remember one thing when you buy this medicine.

All that shit has a side effect.

MAN: Yep.

All that shit has a side effect.

And they try to sneak the side effects past you.

You ever notice, like, on a commercial,

they'll have you believin' this sinus medicine is a bad motherfucker,

then right before the commercial go off,

here come the motherfuckin' side effects.

They go, (IN DEEP VOICE) "Warning.

"This medicine will give you a headache,

"insomnia, and constant diarrhea."

Now you got to decide whether you want to have

a runny nose or a runny ass.

Which one it gonna be?

But I like that type of shit.

I wish all, everything came with a fuckin' side effect label.

Especially men.

I wish men had a motherfuckin' side effect label

right on the side of your asses.

That's the truth!

Let a bitch know up front what your ass is all about.

Let's say you're in a club.

You're in a club. You're chillin'.

He walk in. You're lookin' good and he lookin' good.

He checkin' you out, you checkin' him out.

Right before he walk past,

you see his motherfuckin' side effects.

(IN DEEP VOICE) "Warning. This nigger is subject to run up your credit,

"fuck about two or three of your girlfriends,

"and has a tendency to whoop a bitch ass every now and then."

What you gonna do?

You know a bitch like me will go ahead

and fuck with him anyway if the dick is good. You know that.

Nigger might change. Nigger might change.

I had a dream

that I was standing at the gates of Heaven

and got into a fight.

Wasn't my fault. They was fuckin' with me in line.

Let me tell y'all how this shit happened.

No, they was fuckin' with me. They was fuckin' with me.

Now, I'm standin' in line at the gates of Heaven.

Foxy Brown, the rapper, is standin' in front of me.

Monica Lewinsky is standin' in back of me.

So, Foxy Brown gets up to the gate.

She says, "How you doin', St. Peter?"

She says, "My name is Foxy Brown. I'm a rapper.

"I've done some sins in my life, but I'm still a good person."

He said, "Foxy Brown, my child,

"what part of your body have you sinned with?"

She said, "My hands."

He said, "Go over there and rinse your hands out in the faucet,

"and you may enter the gates of Heaven."

Next it was my turn.

I went up to the gate. I said, "How you doin', St. Peter?

"My name is Sommore. I'm a stand-up comedian.

"I've done some sins in my life, but I'm still a good person."

He said, "Sommore, my child,

"what part of your body have you sinned with?"

Before I can say any fuckin' thing,

Monica Lewinsky pushed me out of the way and said, "Excuse me,

"but can I rinse my mouth out in the faucet

"before this bitch put her ass in the water?"

I said, "Bitch! You don't know me like that, bitch!"

Don't shit with me!

I'm not gonna have any children unless I'm married.

I'm for real. Fuck that.

A bitch might dress like a Power Ranger,

but I need help!

I ain't no strong motherfucker

when it comes to being strong like that.

'Cause, y'all women kill me when y'all be too motherfuckin' strong.

Y'all be walkin' around talkin' about, "I don't need a man for shit.

"I pay my own bills. I pay my own rent.

"I don't need a man for shit."

Well, as soon as a man fuck you real good,

you give him a key to all your shit.

I know you have.

Fuck that.

I need help from the gate.

I'm for real, and I see the reality of marriage.

See, marriage to me is a lot different than other people see it.

See, marriage to me is a lot like going to an amusement park.

You know how you go to an amusement park and you get inside,

and you're ridin' all the rides,

just havin' yourself a real good time.

Just ridin' all the rides.

Then all of a sudden you start walkin' around

and you start seein' all these big, pretty, fluffy-assed animals

that you could win.

So now you decide that you got to have you one.

So now you play all the games that you have to play

in order for you to get you one.

Then you spend up all the money that you have to spend up

in order for you to win you one.

Finally, you got you one.

Now you're walkin' around the fairground

with this big, pretty motherfucker,

and everybody see ya,

but after awhile, you realize

that you can't ride no more rides

'cause you got this big bitch with ya.

See, I just wanna ride all night long.

Trust me! I tried!

I tried to look for a man. I go to all the celebrity parties and shit.

The celebrity men, they don't fuck with me,

'cause they know I'm just like Velcro.

You fuck with me, you stuck with me.

We ain't breakin' up for shit. I'm for real!

We ain't breakin' up for shit!

But I think I'm a smart motherfucker.

I got good money management skills.

There's some of them that could really use my help.

I wouldn't... I wouldn't waste their money.

I know for one thing, like, let's say Stevie Wonder.

If Stevie Wonder was my husband,

if Stevie Wonder was married to me,

he wouldn't have but one fuckin' outfit.

What the fuck does he need with more than one outfit?

I'd take him to the closet every day, let him feel all my shit,

and say, "That's all your shit.

"That's all your shit."

I'd tell him every day,

"You sharper than a motherfucker in that outfit."

I'd be febreezin' his shit every day.

(VOCALIZING)

He think he wearing suede.

He wearin' brushed cotton like a motherfucker.

See, I see the reality of a lot of shit.

That's why now, since I'm approaching 30,

once I turn 30 years old, I ain't fuckin' no more men over 30.

I'm not! I'm sick and tired of fuckin' niggers named Charlie

and Greg and 'em.

And Bruce and Rufus.

I wanna fuck some Hakeems,

some Tachwons, some Deshawns.

I'm for real! I'm sick of men in dress socks trying to get the pussy.

He's slippin' and slidin' fit to bust your lip.

I want a man with some Timberlands on

that's gonna be all up in that ass, just ridin'.

And now, since we're talkin' about dicks...

'Cause I wasn't gonna bring up dicks,

but since y'all brought it up...

Let me ask y'all a question.

Why is it that men with little dicks

act like they don't know they got little dicks?

Like the dick just got small on the way to your house.

Nigger, you knew this dick was on the phone!

On the phone!

I blame women.

I blame women for men with little dicks

walkin' around thinkin' they got big dicks.

Y'all just need to tell 'em the truth.

Shut 'em down.

I'm for real! I had a guy come to me one day,

talkin' about, "Sommore, you know, well, what's your favorite position?"

I said, "Well, it depends on the size of the dick,

"'cause if you got a little dick,

"my favorite position is with another motherfucker."

I ain't got time to be bullshittin'.

Balls all big, dick hidin' behind the balls.

No!

That's some bullshit!

I'm for real! Dick is a beautiful thing.

Oh, y'all don't know dick like I know dick.

Do you realize that if a man is fuckin' you right,

you can spot his ass at the Million Man March.

There he goes.

Oh, dick is a beautiful thing.

'Specially if you fuck around and get you some good dick.

Oh, and you don't know good dick

like I know good dick!

You know how you can tell if you got a man with some good dick?

When you let him drive your car...

And you know he ain't got no license.

You say, "Go, fool! Fuck what the law say, nigger!

"You can drive now!"

But, I say this to my sisters.

Just don't get dick-notized.

You ever just see somebody that's dick-notized?

That's when the dick is just too good

that they can't see the reality of some shit.

Oh, no, no, no. People that's dick-notized

be sayin' stupid shit like this,

"No, no, no, no, no. He don't be fightin' me.

"I be, like, walkin' into the punches and shit.

"No, no. I be, like, walkin' right into the punch."

Now, that's dick-notized.

(CHUCKLES)

"Well, why you always gotta be talkin' about dicks? Why you always..."

You know why I always talk about dicks?

'Cause I believe, especially in the United States,

women, we are exploited. We are.

I don't give a shit which movie you want to see,

Pocahontas or Die Hard 3,

you're always willing to see a woman in any movie

that's willing to show her pussy and her titties.

I think they should start making men show their dicks.

That's right!

From now on, if I pay my money,

I want to see if Wesley is Nestle, all right?

Damn it, for 6.50, damn it, Denzel better swell. Okay?

As a matter of fact,

I think we should just lock all the doors

and make all the men in here just pull their dicks out.

Now, look at the men with little dicks.

They sittin' there, like, "Now, this bitch ain't funny worth a damn.

"This is some bullshit."

But you know there's one big dick country motherfucker

sittin' way at the top like this, "Lock the door.

"Lock the motherfuckin' door!"

Oh, 'cause, ladies, it's the new millennium,

and I don't know about y'all, but this is how I feel.

Fuck your bling-bling. Nigger, can you swing-swing?

I'm for real!

Women, we go through a lot of shit.

We do. We go through a lot of shit.

But the amazing thing about us ladies,

we have the ability to bounce back

'cause we're made like that.

That's right! We have a certain...

Man, let me tell y'all something. We have a certain rhythm in us

that no matter what we go through, we gonna be all right.

And see, when we was little girls, your mother knew

that you had that certain rhythm in you... In you.

So when you was about 8 years old,

she gave you one essential toy.

She knew that with this toy you would get a swivel in your hips

and an attitude to match.

Ladies, when you was about eight years old,

your mother put you outside on the front porch

and she gave you a hula-hoop.

You didn't quite understand why she insisted

that you learn how to do the hula-hoop.

You got outside with the hula-hoop

rockin' around your waist,

and at first it was a little bit difficult for you

but you kept on tryin'.

After a while, when you got it rockin'

to your own certain pattern,

it made a certain sound.

It said, "Ssss, ssss."

"Ssss, ssss."

"Ssss, ssss."

"Ssss, ssss."

And when you heard that sound,

you knew you was the shit!

"Ssss, ssss."

"Ssss, ssss."

Then your girlfriend hollered, "Put it round your neck!"

"Ssss, ssss."

"Ssss, ssss."

"Ssss, ssss."

So I say to my sisters here tonight in Memphis,

the next time that you have to remind him

of just who you are,

the next time that he forget just your powers,

the next time that you gotta put it down on him,

the next time that you're up on top

and you're ridin' him real good,

you're ridin' him so good that his toes is curlin' up,

his eyes is rollin' up in the back of his head,

you're ridin' his dick so good

that he can't even close his mouth!

I want y'all to do me one favor.

I want you to look at yourself in the mirror,

wink one eye at yourself and just say,

"Ssss, ssss."

Yo, my name is Sommore. Y'all been wonderful.

Thank y'all for comin' out.

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Who's bad

Who's bad

Who's bad

"A. Schwab. Established in 1876."

Watch out, now.

"The oldest family-owned and operated

"working general store in the South."

Pigs fuckin' from the back.

This is the type of shit I like.

This is a big slave bell.

Just in case some shit come back.

Ok, I got you, hurry up.

There.

Okay.

Is this son of a bitch sticking out?

Let it stick out.

Push it down in my...

Push it down.

No, you got it.

This is weed. All day long.

I don't care what they got on here,

this is marijuana. $2 a bag.

It's legal on Beale Street.

This some shit right here.

This some shut your motherfucking mouth potion.

You take this shit and you won't talk.

She's puttin' on her tap shoes, baby.

Black folk know how to entertain.

And for those of you who are watching her,

this ain't for free.

(TAPPING)

Now, I'm y'all manager,

so I get 10%. We gonna...

(ALL LAUGH)

I wanna welcome y'all to show business.

This is how it goes, now.

We made a few dollars so far now.

There we go. All right.

Thank you so much.

Y'all give it up for Michael and Jasmine.

(ALL WHOOPING)

Entertaining y'all.

That's right. From Givens management.

If you need to contact us,

call me, Adele Givens,

or e-mail at suchalady1@aol.com.

Now, come on. Let's cut this up.

Y'all gonna get a dollar apiece,

'cause y'all tapped really well.

There you go. There you go.

Now, we're gonna put this in our fund

to buy us some tapping costumes

so we can look alike.

We got a plan.

MO'NIQUE: Now, I'm the attorney.

Now, my fee, she ain't paid me yet,

so I'm gonna have to sue y'all.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

All right!

Memphis!

Yeah!

Coming to you all the way from the kingdom

of Baltimore, Maryland,

what can I say about this sister

except she the sweetest, craziest woman I know?

From The Parkers,

welcome as only you can, Memphis,

Queen Mo'nique.

Classy

Wanna sing

Mo'nique, 'Nique, 'Nique

Hi.

Memphis. God damn it.

This is some wonderful shit.

Y'all better make some motherfuckin' noise

for my ass up in here tonight, baby!

Yes! Yes!

And I'm gonna tell you something,

I see all the fat girls,

all you fat bitches should have got up out of your seat

when my fat ass pulled around in that goddamn pyramid.

God damn it, stand your fat asses up

and take a motherfuckin' bow!

Get your fat asses up, big girls. Get it up!

Get your fat ass up!

You ain't chubby. Get your asses up!

Do it! Do it, baby!

God damn it, big women. You're all right, big girl.

You better represent it, God damn it.

You better do it, you fat ass.

I love you, baby girl. You handle your shit.

Fuck you skinny bitches.

Now!

Fuck you skinny, anorexic, bulimic motherfuckers!

What?

(CACKLES)

Big women, it's our goddamn time, baby.

Fuck these skinny bitches.

Look at her shakin'. Bitch, 'cause you hungry!

Get a motherfuckin' two-piece and a biscuit, hmm?

(CACKLES)

Big women, handle your shit!

You hear what I'm sayin'?

Y'all look good from the top of your head

to the bottom of your motherfuckin' feet.

I watched your fat asses come in on the monitor.

I said, look at my big sisters, handlin' their shit.

Fuck these skinny bitches.

Y'all are some hateful bitches!

Skinny women are evil

and they need to be destroyed, baby!

You hear what I'm saying to you, big girls?

If you're sittin' next to a skinny bitch,

take your fist...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

And hit that bitch on the top of her motherfuckin' head!

Let that bitch know you're here.

Right on the top of the head.

Say something.

(CACKLES)

Big women, handle your shit, baby.

Yes!

It's a new goddamn time.

I'm gonna tell you something too.

See, at one time,

you skinny bitches...

You didn't respect us.

A skinny bitch did not respect a fat bitch,

and she didn't feel threatened by a fat bitch, either.

She was real confident with her shit.

When she had a man,

she'd see a fat girl come in the club,

she didn't even blink twice.

She'd say, "Look at that fat bitch.

"She goin' right to the little buffet table."

Mm-hmm.

And she was right,

but that bitch didn't need to say that cruel shit.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Look. Look. Skinny bitch.

Look at 'em. Look at 'em.

See, a skinny bitch is a confused bitch.

It started at 10:30, bitch!

You hungry. It fuck up your thinkin'!

Gonna walk your skinny ass

through the middle of my motherfuckin' show.

Eat something!

I don't like that bitch.

Back up!

(CACKLES)

That's right!

And sit your black ass down!

Like he doin' somethin'! "Yeah!"

Sit your country ass down!

I love you, baby.

But I'm gonna tell you somethin'.

And, see, you know what?

You know, sometime

little skinny bitch felt like

she wasn't threatened,

that her man would never, ever, want a fat bitch.

Well, I got news for you, baby.

It's a new motherfuckin' day.

You hear what I'm sayin'?

It's a new motherfuckin' day.

Every man wants to fuck a fat girl one time, baby.

One time. And once you go fat, you never go back.

Once you get some fat pussy,

it's all over, baby.

See, you skinny bitches,

y'all complain when you're fuckin'.

You don't have enough meat to hold shit together.

When you fuckin', "Oh, oh! My leg bendin'!

"My kidney hurt! My neck crooked!"

Big girl be like, "Nigger,

"you ain't said nothin', nigger!

"What you say, nigger boy?" Pop!

"I got you, nigger. Stop cryin', boy.

"Stop cryin'. Stop cryin', nigger.

"Hold on, nigger! Hold on!"

Whoo, baby!

Handle your shit, big people.

I like being a big old healthy girl.

And big men?

Let me tell you somethin'.

You keep eatin' your shit.

Fuck these muscle-bound motherfuckers.

They got veins poppin' up out of their goddamn neck.

They're gonna fuck around and shrink their dick up

liftin' all them fuckin' weights.

You stay a big fat old pig.

I just can't fuck with ya.

Ooh, baby! (CACKLES)

Two fat motherfuckers cannot get together, baby.

I have tried.

Ohh, shit!

I have tried to fuck a fat man.

It's too much! (GRUNTS)

It's too much shit goin' on, baby.

Both of y'all layin' there.

He's looking for your shit. You tryin' to find his shit.

Y'all breathin' and sweatin'.

(PANTS)

"I can't breathe, nigger! Get off my stomach!"

"Let's go get a fish box."

"Shit, fuck it."

Whoa, baby.

You know what, though?

What I'm most proud of?

I don't give a fuck what size we are,

just being a sister.

You hear what I'm sayin' to ya?

Black women got some special shit with them.

We are some special motherfuckers,

and if you look around,

every sister in here is so pretty,

and we age so gracefully.

You see what I'm sayin'?

You don't never know how old a sister is, baby.

Because black women, we have a motto

about life.

We have a motto.

Black women don't give a fuck.

We don't give a fuck.

We don't give a fuck about shit.

We don't give a fuck.

We don't give a fuck.

"Girl, you goin' to work tomorrow?"

"Girl, fuck that job."

(LAUGHS)

We don't give a fuck!

"Girl, how're your kids doin'?"

"Girl, fuck them kids." Fuck that.

Black women got some shit with 'em,

and brothers, y'all know that.

That's how come y'all don't go all the way over the line.

'Cause y'all know we some crazy motherfuckers,

and y'all are a little scared of us from time to time.

Some shit done went down at home.

Your boy come over and you're nervous.

You're like, "Man, don't look at her.

"Don't, don't say nothin' to her.

"She done fucked up my shit."

That's why I love us, baby, but see, sisters,

that's how come we can learn from the white girls.

We can learn some shit from a white bitch,

'cause a white bitch knows

when to just shut the fuck up.

She knows when the argument has come to a motherfuckin' close.

She knows when to back up and say, "Hey. hey.

"Hey, Peter..."

"I'm gonna leave this shit alone."

Not our black evil ass. We don't give a fuck.

A sister will get the last word on your ass, baby.

We can be in a goddamn coma,

we gonna say our shit.

He be, like, "Bitch, don't you say nothin' else."

"Mm-hmm."

"Fuck you, nigger, and your mother, too.

"Now, take that."

Baby, we just got some shit.

See, a little white couple,

little white couple have an argument

in the morning-time, she gonna cut that shit short

'cause she don't want to fuck with him.

He got to go make that paper.

She's gonna say, "Hey. Hey."

"Hey. All that shit I said,

"I'm sorry,

"and I love you.

"Have a wonderful day at work,

"and I'll call you. (KISSES) It's wonderful."

Not our black ass.

We don't give a fuck

about havin' no argument in the morning-time

and you got to go and make that motherfuckin' paper.

We gonna say our shit.

Then your black ass try to walk out the door

like you done ended the motherfuckin' argument.

"Oh, no, nigger. It ain't over.

"I'm comin' to your motherfuckin' job."

(IMITATES KNOCKING)

"Can I speak to James, please?

"Bring your ass, nigger! Bring your ass!"

And, baby, a sister will not apologize.

Now, James done lost his job.

'Cause we done been up there six times in two days,

just tellin' him how the fuck we was feelin' about some shit

that could have held off for a minute.

And we ain't gonna tell him, "I'm sorry." We... Fuck that!

He sittin' on the edge of the bed cryin'.

He lost his job.

"You should have let me say what the fuck I had to say."

Baby! Black women, baby!

Black women. But you know,

you know who I totally take my hat off to,

and she ain't a sister...

is Ms. Hillary Clinton.

I take my hat off to that bitch,

'cause she knew how to be a fuckin' wife under pressure.

And you know what, baby?

Right now, with all this election shit comin' up,

I wish Clinton could run again,

'cause I would put his ass right back in fuckin' office.

He was runnin' the shit out of this country.

You hear what I'm sayin'?

And everybody got mad, white America got mad

because he got his dick sucked.

So the fuck what?

That comes with runnin' the country.

That's a privilege when you are

the President of the United States.

You're supposed to get your dick sucked

seven motherfuckin' days a week!

That comes with your goddamn job!

Y'all better be glad I'm not president.

Line these niggers up!

Your turn, your turn, your turn, your turn, your turn, your turn.

I'd be doin' electric slide on the nigger!

Oh, wait a minute, nigger! Make it up!

Whoo!

Baby!

And I'm tellin' you, when all this shit broke,

when it broke, and I'm sittin' and I'm watchin' news,

I'm, like, Clinton, hold your shit.

Hold your motherfuckin' shit.

You are the president. Fuck them! Kill 'em!

You the motherfuckin' president!

Hear what I'm sayin'?

Don't become a bitch. Hold your shit.

And I was, like... You know, for about a month

he was, like, "Fuck y'all.

"Fuck y'all.

"I didn't fuck that bitch.

"I don't know that bitch.

"Fuck y'all."

I'm, like, "Yeah, baby.

"Do your shit. Fuck them. Fuck them."

And then...

The whiteness kicked up in his ass,

and he came back on TV and got to cryin' and shit.

And he broke. "America...

"I... I... I, uh, want to say I'm sorry.

"I got my cock sucked."

They call it cock.

We're like, nigger, you got your dick sucked.

Clinton!

That's how come, brothers,

y'all could never be president.

Not 'cause you don't have the skills,

but we ain't gonna stand still that long, baby.

We gonna show our motherfuckin' ass,

on ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN,

the Animal channel,

the Discovery channel! Baby!

And we gonna try to be cool,

we gonna try to be cool,

while the media's sayin',

"You know, hey, he got his dick sucked."

We'll be, like... (CHUCKLES)

(HUMS)

"Y'all go to commercial. Go to commercial!

"Nigger, you got your dick sucked!"

Fuck that, baby.

LAURA: Let's go, baby.

All right. This is Interstate Bar-B-Q,

here in Memphis, Tennessee.

You know when you're in black folks' establishment.

This shit's the real damned bologna,

with the red band.

Wait a minute!

See that?

White America don't know nothin' about this!

Interstate, this is the house of the skins.

Can I help you?

We got two bags of skins left.

How far are you away?

Who in the hell calls a restaurant and say,

"Hey, y'all got any skins?"

We working on first come, first served.

Now, if you don't come down here to get Emma's skins,

then both of y'all are out of luck.

You hear what I'm sayin' to you, Russell?

ADELE: And that's a coincidence.

That's just what I wanted for lunch, A smoked sausage.

I like it hot, too.

We ate a couple of the skins out of the bag,

but you come on.

Tell him we miss him and we're sorry, hear?

All right, player. Later.

I'm gonna take their order.

Come on out here, Mr. Interstate.

We takin' their order.

(ALL LAUGH)

My name is Mo'nique. I'm gonna be your server today.

Okay, I'll tell you what y'all do.

When y'all decide what you want to eat,

write it down on the pad. I'll come back and get it.

I need to get my drinks.

We got it. We got your order.

We got your order. We got your order.

Oh, let me hold the phone.

Now see, we just posted a memo today...

we are gettin' sick of y'all callin' in

when it's time for you to come to work.

If you don't show up today, don't worry about showin' up.

Now, the decision is yours.

I'm gonna give you time to think about it,

and you call right back.

(LAUGHS)

Ooh, baby!

But you know what?

Sisters, we got common sense.

That's the one thing about a black woman,

baby, that I cherish.

We got common motherfuckin' sense.

See, a white bitch...

Remember that shit Lorena Bobbitt?

Right, right.

That was white women shit, baby.

Cut that boy's dick off. Why?

What in the fuck was she thinkin' about?

She cut his dick off...

And then she threw it upon the forest...

And drove the fuck away.

We ain't never that motherfuckin' mad, baby.

I don't care what his black ass did,

that dick ain't goin' nowhere ever!

You hear me?

That nigger could have whipped my ass

and closed my right eye.

Uh-uh.

And I'm standin' over the top of his dick

with the scissors,

lookin' at it.

Hmm.

Oh, lord, lord!

And it's in the morning-time! Jesus!

And he ain't peed yet!

You ain't beat me that bad, motherfucker.

Call me Left Eye. Shit.

It's all right

Black women, you better get yourself a black-ass man

and hold on to him,

because you can't make it without him.

Fuck what you heard, baby.

I love and worship

the ground that a black man walk on. I don't give a fuck.

And it don't have nothin' to do with the money.

I am the breadwinner,

and I'm married to what I think

is the best black man on the face of this earth.

You hear what I'm sayin' to you?

Oh, baby.

But I am the breadwinner.

He does not work...

Because he has a problem reading.

But we gonna work with that illiterate motherfucker.

He be embarrassing me and shit,

ordering shit he can't pronounce in a restaurant.

"Can I get a strawberry daq-why?"

What the fuck is a "daq-why," you ignorant bitch?

Point to it.

You order shit else.

(CHUCKLING)

But he's mine, baby.

You hear what I'm saying to you?

He's my non-reading motherfucker.

He is mine, and I will kill a bitch

if she steps to him.

I ain't fightin' over no man.

I ain't gonna fight you.

I'm gonna kill your motherfuckin' ass,

'cause that's my shit.

That's my shit, baby.

I will hit you in the back of your throat

with a goddamn hammer.

Say, "Bitch, I told you."

Now you can't talk, you mad with me.

I don't play that bullshit.

And for all you women out here who's got a man

and you got a single girlfriend,

fuck that bitch.

Don't you let that bitch up in your house

when you ain't home.

You hear what I'm saying?

Don't even let that bitch go to the movies with y'all.

"Bitch, I don't know what to tell you.

"I get you the DVD, when it come out.

"You ain't goin' to the motherfuckin' picture show

"with me, you lonely bitch."

I don't trust no woman.

When I first got the show, The Parkers...

You know, all my little girlfriends

out in Hollywood say, "Bitch, you got to get a maid.

"You are a star. Don't clean your shit."

So, I ain't never had nobody come in clean my shit.

So I got tickled,

and I called a little maid service.

"Hey, I need a bitch over here...

"To clean my shit up."

So they kept sending

these real pretty, perky white girls.

I said, "Oh, no. No."

I got a motherfuckin' husband.

Uh-uh. This bitch has got to be 65,

a Mexican who can't speak a bit of motherfuckin' English,

with one tooth and 2 strands of hair.

And that bitch can't even spend the night.

When I leave, every bitch in the house leaves.

When I get my coat and pocketbook,

Mama, you grab your shit, too.

I don't trust your ass either.

Sit out on the front till I get back.

Fuck what you heard, baby.

But see, as a wife, as a wife...

And a lot of the youngsters say, "What you mean?"

As a wife, I know my place

with my husband. You hear what I'm saying?

Even though I make all the money,

he's still the king of my castle.

I give him what he wants when he wants it,

and the bitch is on time when he says be there,

'cause I'm not losing that man over some shit

I would not do.

Especially when it comes to that bedroom.

My husband calls me, the F.B.I.A.

The freakiest bitch in America,

'cause I give it to him

however the fuck he wants it. You hear me?

And for you crazy bitches sittin' out there,

talking about, "I ain't gonna do that nasty shit.

"I ain't gonna do that freaky shit.

"He wants me to do some old nasty bullshit."

Well, let me tell you something.

What you won't do, another bitch will.

And she will do that shit so swell,

his ass ain't comin' back home.

So if your man wants you to do some nasty,

gutter-butt, triflin', slutty, whorish,

pornographic bullshit,

you better get with the motherfuckin' program, baby.

If he wants to stick his dick in your ear,

lend that nigger your ear.

I hear you comin', nigger. I hear you comin'.

(CHUCKLES)

Fuck what you heard, baby.

Handle your shit.

Keep your man happy.

Now, see, some shit...

Some shit...

I can't fuck with.

Some shit physically I can't fuck with.

Like sometimes Mark be wantin' me to do,

you know, little skinny-woman shit.

Like he like me to swing across shit.

I done fucked three dining room tables up

tryin' to be motherfuckin' Jane up in there,

and fell through the goddamn table

and the chandelier and fucked my back up.

I can't fuck with that. I can't do that.

Then he be talking about, "Mo'nique, look.

"Take your legs...

"And wrap 'em up around your neck."

No, nigger. I can't breathe like that.

Pull my motherfuckin' stomach muscle, nigger.

Put me the fuck down.

And then, some shit that fucks with me.

Black men,

I don't know where

y'all got this bullshit from,

but you take it back,

'cause it is some unnatural,

horrible

bullshit

to put on one individual.

You're in bed and feelin' real sexy and wonderful,

and then he fuck up the whole vibe,

talkin' about, "Let me poke you up in your ass.

"Let me stick you up in the ass one time."

No, nigger! No! No!

That is horrible to fuck in the butt.

And if there are any homosexuals in Memphis, Tennessee,

God bless your nasty, faggoty asses,

because that is some painful shit,

to fuck in the butt!

And every sister in here has tried that shit

at least one time, baby.

And men, y'all ain't worth shit,

'cause y'all be tryin' to coach us

through that nasty shit.

(IMITATES A MAN) "All right. Now, look.

"Check this out, right. Check this out.

"I want you to just bend over

"and relax all your muscles."

"Okay. Okay.

"Okay. Okay!

"Oh! Shit!

"Oh! Nigger, my eyebrows' burnin'!

"Take it out!"

"I got some K.Y. Jelly."

"Put it on a biscuit, nigger. Eat it. Shit."

That is some pai...

That is some painful,

horrible shit,

to fuck in the butt,

but I like it now.

You got to grip some shit real tight and breathe.

(EXHALING)

(CHUCKLING)

And I'm gonna tell you something, baby.

I'm gonna te... I'm gonna...

I'm gonna tell ya.

And, you know, every man

has a little bit of bitch.

Every man, baby, has a little

twinkle of a bitch up in 'em.

And I'm gonna tell you sisters how you bring it out.

You got to be careful.

'Cause if he ain't secure with his shit,

you might fuck around,

and he punch you up in your mouth.

You be like, "Wait a minute, nigger.

"I was playing. Damn. What the fuck's...

"Going on here?"

I've been hit a couple times,

but you got to be persistent with your shit.

You know, aggressive and, uh, fuck it.

Get you some new teeth. You just keep going back

to do the shit.

But when you're in the bed with your man,

when you're in the bed with your man,

and y'all doing your shit...

Huh-uhh.

(GARGLING SOUND)

Uh, uh, uh.

That's called the slow roll.

Uh, uh.

(GRUNTS)

Then you tell him, you tell him...

You say, "Come on, baby. Come on. Come on.

"Lay on your stomach for me. Lay on your stomach."

He gonna get a little nervous.

(IMITATES A MAN) "Look. Hold up.

"I ain't into that faggoty bullshit.

"I don't play that nasty shit."

"Aw, nigger, I just want to rub your neck."

(GIGGLES) Yeah.

Yeah, daddy. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, you got to kiss him gently on the neck.

You got to break him down,

'cause he's a little tensed up.

(KISSES) Uh-huh. Uh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now begin to work your way down. (KISSES)

Uh, uh, uh.

Now, when you get to the middle of his back, sisters,

he gonna get a little nervous again.

(IMITATES A MAN) "Look. Hold up.

"Don't make me rip your ass up in here.

"I don't play that faggoty punk bullshit."

"I know, daddy. I know.

"Mmm, mm-hmm."

Keep on going, sisters.

Now, when you get to the crack of his ass,

watch him.

He gonna try to hold on to his manhood,

but that bitch gonna twinkle right out his ass, baby.

Give him one good kiss on the crack of that ass

and watch that nigger break down.

(KISSES)

(IMITATES A MAN) "Look...

"Hmm.

"Look!

"Hmm-mm!

"Look!

"Hmm-mm!"

(SCREAMS)

"Don't tell nobody, you hear?"

Now, sisters...

If you know you gonna give him a special treat,

make sure you bathe his ass thoroughly...

Or you fuck around and get a treat...

(SPITS) What the fuck?

You nasty motherfucker! Go wash your ass!

And you know what, sisters?

I got to share some shit with y'all.

Now,

ever since I came out here tonight,

I have used this one word

about 9,000 times

and that's "bitch."

From the time I came out here, I been using that word "bitch."

We give that word so much motherfuckin' power.

We are willing to leave our husbands and our boyfriends

because he called you a bitch.

It's a motherfuckin' word.

But if at that time,

if that's what you was representing,

that's what the fuck you needed to be called,

you bitch.

You just get the motherfuckin' point.

Sometimes, baby, it helps close the sentence out.

"Shut the fuck up,

"bitch."

(LAUGHS)

You understand me better

when I put that closing on there.

And if the word is used at the right time,

at the proper time...

Oh, it's a wonderful word, baby,

if it's used at the right moment.

Like when I'm with my man, we doing our shit...

Y'all know I'm a nasty, freaky bitch.

I like all that old nasty shit.

Talk that filthy pornographic shit to me

while you're gettin' it. I like that shit.

And when he hittin' it from the back,

he ain't in the ass.

He just hittin' it from the back.

It makes a difference, baby. Trust me.

And we doin' our shit. We doin' our shit.

I be like, "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

"Call me a bitch, nigger.

"Call me a bitch. Call me a bitch."

(IMITATES A MAN) "All right, you bitch."

"Whoo, shit!

"That's my shit!

"Call me a bitch! Call me a bitch!"

"All right, you bitch!"

"Ooh, I'm gettin' ready to come, daddy.

"Take me home. Take me home."

"All right, you fat bitch."

Wait a minute.

Memphis, my name is Mo'nique, baby.

God bless you. Keep it real.

I really enjoyed all of the women.

They're truly queens.

They was just off, off the hook.

Queens of Comedy, number one!

We loved the show!

Sommore!

I loved Mo'nique.

Go see Mo'nique.

All of 'em. All of 'em.

We like Adele.

Adele Givens.

I've not laughed that hard in my life.

It was wonderful. It was superb.

See you next year.

I loved all of 'em, but Sommore, daddy,

when she did the hoola-hoop thing...

Queens of Comedy's better than Kings of Comedy any day.

MAN: This is not Baltimore.

It's Memphis because what?

A lot of black folk.

(MAN LAUGHS)

That's Memphis, yeah!

This is called the, uh, wave side-dip

and a curl twist.

That's what that's called.

$700 for the ponytail.

Right.

Now, why you gonna come up on the back of me

in that big-ass truck,

and then try to blow the horn?

I will slam...

(TRUCK HORN BLOWING)

ALL: Go around! Go around!

MO'NIQUE: Cuss that motherfucker out!

Oh, you take your ass on, you crazy motherfucker!

The last hotel we was in, y'all know what happened.

Had a little accident.

How you call somebody to tell 'em

you fucked up their toilet, sister?

Oh, girl, shit.

I said, "Help me. I'm having an emergency!

"Please!" So they...

How you call somebody to help you flush the toilet

when you done shit?

Oh, that's bullshit.

I said, "Um, I don't know what's happenin'.

"There's some floodage."

I'm not gonna get that bullshit.

We was in a 6-star hotel. I didn't give a fuck.

I was being fabulous.

Look at that. Look at how that's holding.

That is a wonderful... hold that for me, baby girl.

Ooh, mama, you hot

Tell me do you got

Just a little time You look thirsty

Can I get you a glass of wine? ♪

This is how black folk are very creative.

He's out here workin' his ass off.

He needs to take his drunk ass

and drink that beer and go on.

So why don'tcha come with me to my place

ALL: Oh!

Can you do that? That's skills. Right.

The Description of The Queens of Comedy