Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Cyanide & Happiness Compilation - #2

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- What's this guy in for again?

- One account of vandalism.

Perp says it ain't him.

- (chuckles) Yeah, that's what they always say.

- Well, you know the drill--

we'll get him with that ol' good cop bad cop--

that should get him talking.

- The ol' good cop bad cop. Got it.

- Oh boy, cops. (scoffs)

I already told you guys everything I know.

- Alright buddy, look, here's the situation.

OK? I don't want to keep you here any longer

than we need to, so if you just tell me

it was you, we can cut you a deal.

I mean look, you don't seem like that bad of a guy--

(glass shattering, 3 gunshots)

- Sweet Jesus!

- Come on kid, we're busting you outta this joint!

- You shot him! Holy shit!

♪ (intense music plays with gunshots) ♪

This can't be happening!

All I did was spray paint a wall!

It was just a wall!

(intense music stops)

- Gravy Boat, this is Baby Biscuit.

The ham is in the sandwich.

Repeat, the ham is in the sandwich.

- Roger that, we got him. - Wait, what?

- Fantastic work, Brown. We got him.

- Looks like by the end of the night,

the only thing that's gonna be being vandalized...

...will be his personal space!

(cops chuckle)

(4 gunshots followed by hysterical laughter)

♪ (outro plays) ♪

♪ (quiet music plays) ♪

♪ (jukebox music plays) ♪

- Ah, I hate this song. The drinks here

are too expensive. Why do I even come here?

- 'Cause I brought you here.

- (scoffs) Yeah, I know that, because I'm a brain.

- And I am a body.

- (scoffs) Yeah, I know that too.

I--ooh. Speaking of bodies, here comes one now.

Quick, look cool!

(footsteps, short pause, then footsteps again)

- How did I do? Did you like that?

- That was, uh, fine. You did fine.

It doesn't matter. She's not my type anyway.

Enough with the pose.

(beer spilling)

(scoffs) Nice one. - Thanks.

What would you like to do now?

- Uh, I wanna sit here and think sad things.

- You wanna dance?

- No. You're not good at that.

- Do you want to play pool?

- You're not good at that either.

- Come on, cheer up. How about this?

Look at this. That's cool, huh?

You like that? (multiple cups shatter)

- Uh, closing time! One last call for alcohol

so finish your whiskey and beer,

and get the fuck outta here!

- We should go home instead.

- No, another one. - Okay.

- (drinking)

- Whoa. Who taught you how to walk?

- It wasn't this difficult earlier.

- (slams against door) - (grunts) Almost got it...

(straining) - Here. Let me do it.

(glass shatters)

All right, all right. Now we're getting somewhere.

Wait, why are we stopping?

(thud!)

Come on. Let's go home.

- Sshh. Sleep.

- No, we gotta go home.

Brain, we gotta go home.

We really gotta go home. Brain?

Brain! Brain! Brain!

(stomach gurgling followed by a fart)

- Hello! - Uh oh...

- Is there poop in your pants?!

- Evening, fellas! - Who invited him?!

- It's not my fault. He let himself in.

- This is embarrassing. - Hey, is this a bad time?

I invited some friends that should be over any--

- That's it. This is bad. We gotta go.

- Urgh, I can't do this. This is a new low for us.

- I wanted to hang out with you guys hours ago.

It's not my fault.

- Get to know each other, you two.

It's going to be a long drive home.

- Wait, you're driving?

I don't think that's a good idea.

- Yeah. Uh,

maybe you should listen to your poop, man.

- I can't hear you.

I'm still thinking about sad stuff.

- I can't do this! I can't do this!

- (scoffs) You're fine.

Hell, you're even better at this drunk.

- No, I can't! I can't do this!

Don't do this! - He's gonna do it!

(car engine turns over, tires screech)

- We shouldn't be doing this.

- Just relax and take the wheel

while I take a quick nap.

(birds chirping)

♪ (happy music plays) ♪

(truck runs over butterfly)

Uhh. I just had the weirdest dream.

Wait, are we driving? Is there poop in your pants?

(whoosh!)

(car crashing)

- Blegh. - Hello!

Are you okay? Hello!

- I'm great, thanks. - Not you. Body!

My body. - Oh. He's way dead.

- Wait, if he's dead, that means I'm next!

Oh no! Well,

looks like I'm off to go meet my heavenly body.

Here I go!

Wheee!

- I guess that just leaves me.

Well folks, I think we've learned a valuable lesson

about drinking and driving--oh!

Looks like my friends are here.

Thanks for joining us tonight.

This has been Poop.

I'll see you next time.

♪ (outro plays) ♪

- Alright, Ms. Henry,

you should be completely healed from your surgery.

Are you ready to remove the bandages

and have a look at your new face?

- [muffled] M-hmm!

(bandages ripping, rustling)

- Ah, yes. You look perfect.

Here, see for yourself.

(fart)

♪ (outro plays) ♪

(book thuds)

- (grunts) (paper whacking)

(grunting, whacking)

♪ (dramatic music plays) ♪

- [softly] A man...

♪ (dramatic music build-up) ♪

♪ (outro plays) ♪

(footsteps, door opens)

- And this is my house.

- Wow. Nice place you got here.

- It's not much, but it's home.

- So, uh, what's with all the newspapers?

- Oh. That's for my dog Spunks.

He has a bad habit of pooping on the--

- Huh. Natural gas prices rose 3% last month.

Makes you think.

Looks like it's gonna rain on Thursday.

Friday too.

♪ (outro plays) ♪

♪ (quiet Muzak plays) ♪

(carts whirring)

(both grunting)

- (groans) (cart bumps into other cart)

(chuckles) - (groans angrily)

(grunts) (cart whirring)

- Uhh...

(cart beeping)

♪ (outro plays) ♪

- Wow. I wonder how many stars are up there.

Must be a whole bunch.

- Yeah, Jimmy. There's a whole bunch.

- (sighs) You're a real special gal, Suzie.

I--hey, look, a shootin' star!

Make a wish! - Okay.

- You wanna hear my wish? You wanna hear my wish?

- Uh, sure.

- I wish we could be together forever,

'cause you're my number one Suzy.

Wait, who's driving the car? (whoosh!)

Oh man, oh man, what do we do, Suzy?!

Uh, uh... - Wait, Jimmy?

- ...maybe I could reach my hand through the window,

and, uh, grab the steering wheel?

- Jimmy! - What, what?

- I think I want us to just be friends.

I just feel like we're moving too fast.

(whoosh!)

- Wait, what?! What, are you breaking up with me?!

- I just don't think we're very compatible.

- Uh, I can be compatible!

Just tell me what I'm doing wrong.

- Well, you're clingy, you're annoying,

you talk too much, and you're kind of a wimp.

(car clatters)

- Uh, can we get back to the whole

"we're gonna die" thing real quick?

- And you always change the subject too!

Face it, Jimmy! We're just not good for each other.

♪ (sad music plays) ♪

(car crashes in slow motion)

(car clatters)

- What, is-- is there another guy?

- What?! No!

- Is it him?

(motorcycle whirring)

- 'Sup? (tires screech)

- What, Chad? Ew, no way!

- Aww. (motorcycle drives away)

- I just don't know how to make this

more clear, Jimmy. I don't wanna date you anymore.

- I just wish that I wanna solve the signs comin--

(exclaiming)

Come on, just give me another--(exclaims) chance!

- No, Jimmy!

(crash!)

♪ (sad music plays) ♪

- (coughs) Suzy...

...I lo--I love you... (coughs)

- I just don't think I'm--(coughs)

ready...(gags) for relationship...

(motorcycle whirring)

- Harsh. (drives away)

♪ (outro plays) ♪

(waves splashing)

♪ (happy music plays) ♪

- (grunting)

(bottle pops, splashes)

♪ (happy music continues) ♪

(footsteps) - Hm?

Hmm...

♪ (music plays) ♪ (gasps, runs away)

♪ (music continues, stops) ♪

- (muffled sneeze)

(paper rustling)

♪ (outro plays) ♪

- ♪ (humming) ♪

Ooh! Ha ha!

(straining)

(concrete breaks)

Mmm...mmm...uh...

(screams abruptly)

- Hey, are you okay? - (screams abruptly)

(train screeching)

(train screeching)

- (slurping)

(train screeching) - (continues screaming)

(sobbing, screaming)

And that's how I lost all this weight. (chuckles)

- I don't care! (umbrella whooshes)

♪ (outro plays) ♪

♪ (music plays) ♪

- Eh?

- (gasps, groans angrily)

- Eh-eh-eh.

(easel whooshing)

♪ (outro plays) ♪

♪ (romantic music plays) ♪

- Can you believe this old ride looks the same

after all these years?

- I know. You'd think they would've fixed

that flickering light by now.

(both chuckle) - Yeah, yeah.

- I'm really glad we came, though. This is nice.

- Yeah. It's reminding me why...

...you know...why we got together in the first place.

- You know, the tunnel's coming up.

- Ooh... (both chuckle)

- (kissing butt)

Ergh, ergh! (spitting) What the--(spitting and gagging)

Howard! I wanna divorce!

- Me too!

♪ (outro plays) ♪

♪ (party music plays) ♪

- Yeah, only vodka for me.

I only drink low-cal, you know what I mean?

Say, you should come over and chillax some time, girl.

You know, if you're lucky I'll make you my

famous quinoa tofu fro-yo.

And for dessert, we could listen to my

Bolivian disco trans-final.

Talkin' forty-fives, girl.

- (punches annoying man) - Oh! What're you do--(grunts)

Oh, why?! Oof! (whoosh!)

- Oooh, so that's what it would be like to hit that guy.

(whoosh!)

- So that's what it would be like to go to a party.

(whoosh!)

- So that's what it would be like to have a sofa.

(whoosh!)

- [creakily] So that's what it would be like to be a man.

(whoosh!)

- Oooh, so that's what it would be like to be a curious snail.

- [grunting] I don't know what you're talking about!

Captions by: Alex Porter

The Description of Cyanide & Happiness Compilation - #2