- What's this guy in for again?
- One account of vandalism.
Perp says it ain't him.
- (chuckles) Yeah, that's what they always say.
- Well, you know the drill--
we'll get him with that ol' good cop bad cop--
that should get him talking.
- The ol' good cop bad cop. Got it.
- Oh boy, cops. (scoffs)
I already told you guys everything I know.
- Alright buddy, look, here's the situation.
OK? I don't want to keep you here any longer
than we need to, so if you just tell me
it was you, we can cut you a deal.
I mean look, you don't seem like that bad of a guy--
(glass shattering, 3 gunshots)
- Sweet Jesus!
- Come on kid, we're busting you outta this joint!
- You shot him! Holy shit!
♪ (intense music plays with gunshots) ♪
This can't be happening!
All I did was spray paint a wall!
It was just a wall!
(intense music stops)
- Gravy Boat, this is Baby Biscuit.
The ham is in the sandwich.
Repeat, the ham is in the sandwich.
- Roger that, we got him. - Wait, what?
- Fantastic work, Brown. We got him.
- Looks like by the end of the night,
the only thing that's gonna be being vandalized...
...will be his personal space!
(cops chuckle)
(4 gunshots followed by hysterical laughter)
♪ (outro plays) ♪
♪ (quiet music plays) ♪
♪ (jukebox music plays) ♪
- Ah, I hate this song. The drinks here
are too expensive. Why do I even come here?
- 'Cause I brought you here.
- (scoffs) Yeah, I know that, because I'm a brain.
- And I am a body.
- (scoffs) Yeah, I know that too.
I--ooh. Speaking of bodies, here comes one now.
Quick, look cool!
(footsteps, short pause, then footsteps again)
- How did I do? Did you like that?
- That was, uh, fine. You did fine.
It doesn't matter. She's not my type anyway.
Enough with the pose.
(beer spilling)
(scoffs) Nice one. - Thanks.
What would you like to do now?
- Uh, I wanna sit here and think sad things.
- You wanna dance?
- No. You're not good at that.
- Do you want to play pool?
- You're not good at that either.
- Come on, cheer up. How about this?
Look at this. That's cool, huh?
You like that? (multiple cups shatter)
- Uh, closing time! One last call for alcohol
so finish your whiskey and beer,
and get the fuck outta here!
- We should go home instead.
- No, another one. - Okay.
- (drinking)
- Whoa. Who taught you how to walk?
- It wasn't this difficult earlier.
- (slams against door) - (grunts) Almost got it...
(straining) - Here. Let me do it.
(glass shatters)
All right, all right. Now we're getting somewhere.
Wait, why are we stopping?
(thud!)
Come on. Let's go home.
- Sshh. Sleep.
- No, we gotta go home.
Brain, we gotta go home.
We really gotta go home. Brain?
Brain! Brain! Brain!
(stomach gurgling followed by a fart)
- Hello! - Uh oh...
- Is there poop in your pants?!
- Evening, fellas! - Who invited him?!
- It's not my fault. He let himself in.
- This is embarrassing. - Hey, is this a bad time?
I invited some friends that should be over any--
- That's it. This is bad. We gotta go.
- Urgh, I can't do this. This is a new low for us.
- I wanted to hang out with you guys hours ago.
It's not my fault.
- Get to know each other, you two.
It's going to be a long drive home.
- Wait, you're driving?
I don't think that's a good idea.
- Yeah. Uh,
maybe you should listen to your poop, man.
- I can't hear you.
I'm still thinking about sad stuff.
- I can't do this! I can't do this!
- (scoffs) You're fine.
Hell, you're even better at this drunk.
- No, I can't! I can't do this!
Don't do this! - He's gonna do it!
(car engine turns over, tires screech)
- We shouldn't be doing this.
- Just relax and take the wheel
while I take a quick nap.
(birds chirping)
♪ (happy music plays) ♪
(truck runs over butterfly)
Uhh. I just had the weirdest dream.
Wait, are we driving? Is there poop in your pants?
(whoosh!)
(car crashing)
- Blegh. - Hello!
Are you okay? Hello!
- I'm great, thanks. - Not you. Body!
My body. - Oh. He's way dead.
- Wait, if he's dead, that means I'm next!
Oh no! Well,
looks like I'm off to go meet my heavenly body.
Here I go!
Wheee!
- I guess that just leaves me.
Well folks, I think we've learned a valuable lesson
about drinking and driving--oh!
Looks like my friends are here.
Thanks for joining us tonight.
This has been Poop.
I'll see you next time.
♪ (outro plays) ♪
- Alright, Ms. Henry,
you should be completely healed from your surgery.
Are you ready to remove the bandages
and have a look at your new face?
- [muffled] M-hmm!
(bandages ripping, rustling)
- Ah, yes. You look perfect.
Here, see for yourself.
(fart)
♪ (outro plays) ♪
(book thuds)
- (grunts) (paper whacking)
(grunting, whacking)
♪ (dramatic music plays) ♪
- [softly] A man...
♪ (dramatic music build-up) ♪
♪ (outro plays) ♪
(footsteps, door opens)
- And this is my house.
- Wow. Nice place you got here.
- It's not much, but it's home.
- So, uh, what's with all the newspapers?
- Oh. That's for my dog Spunks.
He has a bad habit of pooping on the--
- Huh. Natural gas prices rose 3% last month.
Makes you think.
Looks like it's gonna rain on Thursday.
Friday too.
♪ (outro plays) ♪
♪ (quiet Muzak plays) ♪
(carts whirring)
(both grunting)
- (groans) (cart bumps into other cart)
(chuckles) - (groans angrily)
(grunts) (cart whirring)
- Uhh...
(cart beeping)
♪ (outro plays) ♪
- Wow. I wonder how many stars are up there.
Must be a whole bunch.
- Yeah, Jimmy. There's a whole bunch.
- (sighs) You're a real special gal, Suzie.
I--hey, look, a shootin' star!
Make a wish! - Okay.
- You wanna hear my wish? You wanna hear my wish?
- Uh, sure.
- I wish we could be together forever,
'cause you're my number one Suzy.
Wait, who's driving the car? (whoosh!)
Oh man, oh man, what do we do, Suzy?!
Uh, uh... - Wait, Jimmy?
- ...maybe I could reach my hand through the window,
and, uh, grab the steering wheel?
- Jimmy! - What, what?
- I think I want us to just be friends.
I just feel like we're moving too fast.
(whoosh!)
- Wait, what?! What, are you breaking up with me?!
- I just don't think we're very compatible.
- Uh, I can be compatible!
Just tell me what I'm doing wrong.
- Well, you're clingy, you're annoying,
you talk too much, and you're kind of a wimp.
(car clatters)
- Uh, can we get back to the whole
"we're gonna die" thing real quick?
- And you always change the subject too!
Face it, Jimmy! We're just not good for each other.
♪ (sad music plays) ♪
(car crashes in slow motion)
(car clatters)
- What, is-- is there another guy?
- What?! No!
- Is it him?
(motorcycle whirring)
- 'Sup? (tires screech)
- What, Chad? Ew, no way!
- Aww. (motorcycle drives away)
- I just don't know how to make this
more clear, Jimmy. I don't wanna date you anymore.
- I just wish that I wanna solve the signs comin--
(exclaiming)
Come on, just give me another--(exclaims) chance!
- No, Jimmy!
(crash!)
♪ (sad music plays) ♪
- (coughs) Suzy...
...I lo--I love you... (coughs)
- I just don't think I'm--(coughs)
ready...(gags) for relationship...
(motorcycle whirring)
- Harsh. (drives away)
♪ (outro plays) ♪
(waves splashing)
♪ (happy music plays) ♪
- (grunting)
(bottle pops, splashes)
♪ (happy music continues) ♪
(footsteps) - Hm?
Hmm...
♪ (music plays) ♪ (gasps, runs away)
♪ (music continues, stops) ♪
- (muffled sneeze)
(paper rustling)
♪ (outro plays) ♪
- ♪ (humming) ♪
Ooh! Ha ha!
(straining)
(concrete breaks)
Mmm...mmm...uh...
(screams abruptly)
- Hey, are you okay? - (screams abruptly)
(train screeching)
(train screeching)
- (slurping)
(train screeching) - (continues screaming)
(sobbing, screaming)
And that's how I lost all this weight. (chuckles)
- I don't care! (umbrella whooshes)
♪ (outro plays) ♪
♪ (music plays) ♪
- Eh?
- (gasps, groans angrily)
- Eh-eh-eh.
(easel whooshing)
♪ (outro plays) ♪
♪ (romantic music plays) ♪
- Can you believe this old ride looks the same
after all these years?
- I know. You'd think they would've fixed
that flickering light by now.
(both chuckle) - Yeah, yeah.
- I'm really glad we came, though. This is nice.
- Yeah. It's reminding me why...
...you know...why we got together in the first place.
- You know, the tunnel's coming up.
- Ooh... (both chuckle)
- (kissing butt)
Ergh, ergh! (spitting) What the--(spitting and gagging)
Howard! I wanna divorce!
- Me too!
♪ (outro plays) ♪
♪ (party music plays) ♪
- Yeah, only vodka for me.
I only drink low-cal, you know what I mean?
Say, you should come over and chillax some time, girl.
You know, if you're lucky I'll make you my
famous quinoa tofu fro-yo.
And for dessert, we could listen to my
Bolivian disco trans-final.
Talkin' forty-fives, girl.
- (punches annoying man) - Oh! What're you do--(grunts)
Oh, why?! Oof! (whoosh!)
- Oooh, so that's what it would be like to hit that guy.
(whoosh!)
- So that's what it would be like to go to a party.
(whoosh!)
- So that's what it would be like to have a sofa.
(whoosh!)
- [creakily] So that's what it would be like to be a man.
(whoosh!)
- Oooh, so that's what it would be like to be a curious snail.
- [grunting] I don't know what you're talking about!
Captions by: Alex Porter
