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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Ty Burrell Soiled Himself in Times Square

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-This show sort of happened for you --

I remember we first met when you were doing...

-Yeah, yes, yes. -...I think an off-Broadway play

right before this show started. -Yes, that's right.

-So you had this -- this sort of maybe a little later

in your career than you would expect

to have a show that ran this long.

What was your first entry into --

you know, the first time you got an agent like?

-Oh, well, I had a rough -- I had a rough entry.

Like, I -- when I -- It was here.

In fact, I think about it every time I go through Times Square.

Because I had moved here, you know,

like many people, for a relationship.

And now I found myself in New York,

and this woman that I was dating,

kindly enough, set up a meeting with her agent,

and it was a legitimate agent. It was, like, a real agent.

It wasn't like a "Broadway Danny Rose" situation.

-Right. -So I was nervous.

I put on, like, my cool clothes which was, like,

my black T-shirt and black pants,

which has never been cool. -No.

-Ever. [ Laughter ]

-It is a good way to say, "I'm an actor..."

-Yeah, totally! -"...who right after this

has to go be a waiter." [ Laughter ]

-I'm not saying -- I'm not saying I was wearing Capezios,

but I'm also not saying I wasn't.

-Right. Sure. You don't want to commit either way.

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. -But anyway so, I --

I ended up going up, and meeting and sat down

with a gentleman at the agency who looked at my résumé,

which had like maybe two or three regional theater credits,

and, you know, basically set it down

and sort of looking me up and down,

and began telling me all of the things

that were wrong with me physically.

-Wow. -He was like -- he was like,

"So, yeah. So your eyebrows are too big for television."

[ Light laughter ]

"And your features are really too big for film."

And meanwhile, you know,

he's just confirming my own self-loathing.

I'm like, "Yeah, uh-huh." -You weren't -- right.

You didn't go in going like,

"Wait till he sees these eyebrows."

[ Laughter ] -Yeah.

No. I was like, "Nailed it."

He's like, "You got a weird chin."

I'm like, "Oh, it's a joke."

But, anyway, so he -- he basically says,

"Well, you know, maybe you could do theater.

Are you willing to shave your arms?"

Which I was like -- [ Light laughter ]

And I was so desperate to get an agent that I was like,

"Absolutely." [ Laughter ]

Like, "I'm dying to shave my arms!"

[ Laughter ] "Are you kidding?

I'm looking for an excuse to shave my arms.

This is great." And he said, "Great.

Shave your arms and get new head shots,

and come back, and we'll have another conversation."

And then I kind of slinked out of the office

and went downstairs into Times Square,

and I was, you know, just kind of, like,

mortified and devastated.

And I was standing there, and as I was standing there,

I had a little accident in my drawers.

I -- I soiled myself. -You did?

-Yeah. [ Laughter ]

And I remember thinking -- [ Laughter ]

I remember thinking really clearly, "Huh.

So this is the bottom."

[ Laughter ]

"This is it." -Yeah, that's the bottom.

-"This is it." [ Applause ]

-I mean, they do say if you're gonna soil yourself,

Times Square is as good of a place --

[ Laughter ] -It's amazing.

-'Cause you're probably only half a block from someone else

who's like, "I'm also there, buddy."

-I mean, Elmo soiled himself. -Elmo probably, yeah.

-Statue of Liberty soiled himself.

-Soiled herself, yeah, exactly.

You -- this is no joke.

This is a terrifying thing that happened to you.

I guess it's probably about, what, five, six years ago?

-Oh, yeah, yeah. -There was an e-mail hack.

-Yeah, yeah. -And you were one of

the celebrities who had your e-mail hacked.

-Yeah. Yeah, like seven or eight years ago I got a call --

There was this person who was hacking celebrity e-mails,

and he was arrested, and I got a call from an FBI detective

saying, "You were one of the people who was hacked."

And it really freaked me out. It was kind of crazy.

And he said -- you know, in this phone call, I was like,

"So, why? Like, why is this guy hacking people's e-mails?"

And the detective was like, "Well, he's selling information.

He was selling information."

He was selling it to the tabloids.

He was selling photographs and e-mails."

And I was like, "Wow. So what did he sell of mine?"

And he was like, "Um..."

[ Laughter ]

"Uh, nothing." [ Laughter ]

And I was like, "What do you mean nothing?"

And he was like, "He couldn't find any takers."

[ Laughter ]

-"It wasn't for a lack of effort."

-No! [ Laughter ]

And I was like, "Wait. He was actively

trying to sell my information, and nobody wanted it?"

He was like, "Well, um... Mr. Burrell, I've read through

all the evidence, and, frankly, you're pretty vanilla."

[ Laughter ]

And I went from feeling like a victim to being super-defensive.

-Yeah. -I was like,

"Uh, I think you need to go back through those e-mails."

-Yeah. [ Laughter ]

"Go back through May 2002." -Oh, yeah!

-"There's some stuff!" -"There's some stuff!

Somebody missed my chili recipe."

[ Laughter ]

"'Cause I don't think everybody's putting nutmeg

in that, you know?" [ Laughter ]

-Well, I'm glad you avoided the worst of that.

-Yes. Yeah, yeah. -And congrats on this new show.

This is Mike Scully, a fantastic writer.

His wife -- is it, Judy? -Julie.

-Julie, and Amy Poehler all involved in the show.

And it is genuinely so great to have you here.

Congrats on the amazing run. -Thanks, man.

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