- Okay, so welcome back to our channel.
And today, we're going to be talking about sexless marriage.
- So many couples come into our office - individuals too -
- Individuals, yeah. - Complaining about the fact
that they're not having sex,
or they're having infrequent sex,
or they're having boring sex, or they've lost the spark.
And it's something that we help couples with all the time.
And also, we have a new book out
because we want everyone to have access to the information
that we give to couples, so that they can have amazing sex
and greater sexual compatibility,
which we're gonna talk about more in another video.
- When couples come in
and they complain about sexless marriage,
it's mostly because they're not getting
the sex that they want.
Unfortunately, many people don't know exactly
what they sex that they want
and they don't know that they supposed to figure it out.
Because we already talked in other videos
about this fairytale - if people love each other,
they just fall into bed together
and something amazing happens.
- And there can be years of wishing.
- Years. - Years.
So I have this couple I'm working with now
and they have two different movies.
So I'll say "our core desires
are what we wanna FEEL during sex, and
our hottest sexual movie is what we wanna DO during sex".
They have very different kind of hottest sexual movies.
One of them is much more in the romantic spectrum
and the other one's really spiritual, so he will come to her
and he'll say, "Sweetheart, I just feel like you're
an amazing part of the universe
and I want you to get everything that you want
because you're so wise and deep and beautiful."
And she'll feel like it's completely --
- What's up with that? (laughs)
- There's no engagement.
She feels like it's very impersonal
and then, she'll come to him
and she'll say, "Oh my God, I love you so much.
I can't live without you.
You're the most amazing."
And he feels like, "What do you mean
you can live without me?
You have your own spiritual path."
It's too much dependency, but what they're both trying
to say to each other in different languages,
I love you and I want you.
And that happens so often with couples
because they're not speaking the same erotic language.
- And many people do not speak the same erotic language.
- Just because you fall in love with someone
doesn't mean at all that you have the same core desires
or hottest sexual movies.
I would say, maybe 10% of the time,
you have that much overlap.
- Yeah and then we're talking about compatibility because
you don't have to have the same erotic movie
- hottest sexual movie - but it is good to have.
When movies are compatible,
that's when things really work well.
- Yeah, there needs to be like,
the Legos need to fit together.
- It's not as simple as Legos because they didn't create all
those pieces together in advanced in a factory, right?
- Exactly, so when I started to explain to them that they
have these different movies, it was like they had
this flashback of their entire relationship,
like, "Oh my God.
If we had only known this.
We would've felt not so rejected by each other."
So I think that's a big piece
of knowing your core desires,
and your hottest sexual movies,
and knowing that that's a necessary conversation to have.
- And also, knowing that what you are bringing ..
... like we think everyone on the planet thinks
that the way they like things or what we like
is natural to everyone else.
But it's very unnatural to other people.
- And even when you go out in the world
and try to get help, often, the people are helping,
they have their idea of what their hottest sexual movie is
and they think that must be everyone's.
So some people need to go to a tantra class,
some people need to go to a dungeon.
If that's not the right movie for you
and you're going, you're thinking,
"Oh, what's wrong with me.
This isn't really turning me on.
Must be my hormones."
When it's just like, "No, that's not my movie.
My movie is over here."
So we really help couples dial down
and have a deep, supportive communication
that helps their intimacy, just by learning each other
in this way, just by knowing what turns each of them on.
- And understanding the language
and being able to build on it and then, the sky's the limit.
- Yes and in 'Coming Together', we teach you
how to teach each other. Not just have the conversation -
but actually, experientially, teach each other
through different methods,
so that you can have this amazing sex together.
- So, get the book.
You definitely wanna get the book.
And then, subscribe to our channel.
Next time, we're gonna talk about compatibility,
how to create compatibility,
what to do if there's no compatibility.
- How to increase compatibility.
- We want you to have amazing emotional conversations
about what turn you on, deep intimacy and ...
- Tons of sex.
Well, okay that's what I want. - Of course.
She does not care about--
- I'm projecting tons of sex.
- Tons of sex, hot, hot, hot sex.