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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Female Trouble

Difficulty: 0

[instrumental music]

[Divine singing "Female Trouble"]

I got lots of problems

Female trouble

Maybe I'm twisted

Female trouble

They say I'm a skank

But I don't care

Go ahead, put me in your electric chair

I got lots of problems

Female trouble

Maybe I'm twisted

Female trouble

Hey spare me your morals

Look, everyone does

What's leading me

Is paradise

I got lots of problems

Female trouble

Maybe I'm twisted

Female trouble

Oink! Oink! ♪

Oink! Oink! ♪

I'm a jerk

I like it fine! ♪

As long as I'm

Grabbing a headline

Ah ha ha, yeah

I got lots of problems

[indistinct chattering]

[chattering continues]

- Good morning, Dawn. - Hi.

- Hey, I like that skirt. - Thanks.

My mom's supposed to get me one for Christmas

if she's not too dumb to find it.

I know what you mean.

My parents better get me them cha-cha heels I asked for.

That's all I can say. You got any Spray Net?

My hair is fallin' right down right off my head.

Sure, hon. You do your Geography homework?

Fuck no. Fuck homework. Who cares if we fail?

I wanna quit right after I get my Christmas presents.

- Duncan? - Here.

- Dune? - Here.


Miss Friar, are you hard of hearing?



Stand up, please.

What on earth are you wearing? This is not Halloween.

It's just a skirt and sweater.

Button those buttons, young lady.

I bet your mother didn't see you dressed like that.

It's hot in here.

That will be all.

This is a classroom

not a cocktail lounge, Miss Friar.

Now take this dress code violation slip home

and have it signed by your parents.

And take that gum out of your mouth!

For the tenth time!

If I catch you with gum in your mouth one more time

you will be in detention for a month.

- Do you understand? - I understand, Mr. Weinberger.

You're late, young ladies!

And I'll now report you on this late slip.

I've had you marked absent.

[indistinct chattering]

Now, class

before letting you go for the holiday season

we're going to have a pop quiz.

(all) 'Uh-h!'

[indistinct grumbling]

When called on, stand, answer the question.

If you are correct, it'll be duly recorded.

If you are wrong, a small red F

will be placed next to your name in my roll book.

Alright, let's begin.

'Jude Fine, true or false?'

'Baltimore was once capital of the United States.'

(Jude) 'Uh...false?'

(Mr. Weinberger) 'True, true, true, Miss Jude Fine.'

'You must've been talking on the phone'

'instead of doing your homework last night.'

'It was the capital for two months'

'during the Revolutionary War.'

'That's two red Fs for you in just one week.'

'It looks like you'll be getting a deficiency.'

What is it, Miss Holland?

Mr. Weinberger, Dawn Davenport is eating a meatball sandwich

right out in class

and she's been passing notes.

I was not eating!

I got a knife here in my pocketbook

and I'm gonna cut you up after class.

Stop this, immediately!

Now they're threatening me, these awful, cheap girls.

My mother told me to report this kind of thing.

I'm trying to get an education.

All of you, stop it! Dawn Davenport, stand up!

I'm trying to get an education

so I can get into a good college!

- It's not fair! - That will be all.

You were quite proper in reporting this incident

but that will be enough.

She was trying to copy my homework.

That's untrue and you know it.

Dawn Davenport, you are a habitual liar

and I'm quite well aware of it.

You will go to detention for a month for this.

I won't go. I wasn't eating.

From your appearance, Miss Davenport

it looked like you never stopped eating!

[all laughing]

'Get up here!'

[laughing continues]

Now, write 50 times on this blackboard

"I will not eat in class."

'Cause I'm fat enough already.

Now, start writing and don't stop until I tell you to.

I can tell you one thing, Miss Davenport

you can count on a failing grade in Geography this term!

I'd like to set fire to this dump.

Just 'cause we're pretty, everybody's jealous.

It's like a prison here.

Even at Christmas, it's like a prison.

Don't even mention Christmas, Chicklette.

My parents are gonna be real sore

if I don't get them cha-cha heels.

I asked and I better get.

I never get enough Christmas presents.

- Everybody's so damn cheap. - I should be gettin' a lot.

And I'm gonna take it back and get money for it.

You could that, you know.

We'll probably get caught for hookin' this period

but who cares? Who cares if we fail?

- It'd be fun to be expelled. - I hope I get arrested.

I hate this school and all these ignorant teachers

who don't know one thing.

I'm the one who should be teachin'.

I hate my parents too.

["Jingle Bells"]

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh.. ♪

Dawn, come see what Santa brought you!


Oh, Christ, I'm comin'.

Please, Howard, try to get through this without a fight.

I can't stand another one, not on Christmas.

I better get them cha-cha heels.

How very sweet of you, dear.

Merry Christmas, honeybunch.

Hey, wonder what this could be.

A fishing rod?


Won't you join us in a carol before we open our gifts?

Oh, mother!

Ah, come on, Dawn. It adds to the spirit.

Silent night

Holy night

All is calm

All is bright

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace



What are these?

Those are your new shoes, Dawn.

Those aren't the right kind!

I wanted cha-cha heels! Black ones!

Nice girls don't wear cha-cha heels.

Give me those presents. I'll never wear those ugly shoes.

I told you the kind I wanted. You've ruined my Christmas.


Please, Dawn, not on Christmas!

Get off me, you ugly witch.

You devil! Come here! You'll pay for this!

'You devil, Dawn Davenport! Look at your mother.'

- Leave me alone! - You're such a devil!

Don't touch me! Lay off me!

I hate you. Fuck you!

Fuck you both, you awful people.

You're not my parents! I hate you.

I hate this house, I hate Christmas.

[Dawn crying]

[sobbing] Not on Christmas.

Not on Christmas.

[crying continues]

Get back in here, Dawn Davenport!

You're going to a home for girls!

That's where we're gonna put you!

I'm calling the juvenile authorities right now!

[instrumental music]

Have a merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

Have a hap, hap, hap, hap, happy holiday

Merry Christmas

Get yourself into a glow

Underneath the mistletoe.. ♪

[man laughing]

[engine revving]

[engine sputtering]

Get in, sugar dumplin'.

[laughing continues]

Come on, honey! Hurry up!

Come on!


Again. Ah! A-ah! Oh!



A-ah! A-ah!

A-ah! A-ah!

[both moaning]

[moaning continues]

'Ah! I'm cumming!'

'Here it comes! Alright! Ready?'

A-ah! Ah! Ah!




(Dawn) Oh, fuck me, baby! Fuck me! That's it!

- You like that, baby? - Oh, yeah! Yeah!

[moaning continues]


Eat it. Eat it. Eat it!


[slurping continues]


[telephone ringing]


[ringing continues]

- Hello? - Is Earl Peterson there?

This is Dawn Davenport. Dawn Davenport.

You made love to me Christmas morning.

Well, I just wanted to tell you

that I'm pregnant and I want money.

You stole my wallet, you fat bitch!

So what if I did? I want money.

You'll never get any money from me, cow.

Just 'cause you got them big udders

don't mean you're somethin' special.

Get the hook. Go fuck yourself for all I care.

Yeah! Go fuck yourself!

Hello? Hello?



[screaming in pain]

A-a-ah! Ah!

Oh, my little Taffy.

My little baby.

Taffy. Uh, uh..

[baby crying]


Oh, little Taffy.

[jazz music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

(Taffy) 'Mabel, Mabel, set the table'

Don't forget the red hot peppers.

Taffy, please stop it. You're giving me a migraine.

I can jump rope if I feel like it.

It's my house too.

You can jump rope in the bathroom.

You know it's not big enough in there.

Taffy, I have told you repeatedly

no jumping rope within ten feet of me.

Those same singsong rhymes over and over

are enough to grate on my nerves.

(shouting) Mabel, Mabel, set the table!

Taffy, didn't you hear your mother?

Do you want another whippin' with that car aerial?

It's right in that closet, don't forget.

Maybe I'll stop it and maybe I won't.

Why can't I go to school?

Why can't I have friends?

You can't go to school because I said so.

I won't have you nagging me for lunch money

and whining for help on your homework.

There is no need to know about the Presidents

wars, numbers or science.

Just listen to me and you'll learn.

And no little friends over here repeating rhymes

asking flippant questions

and talking in those nagging baby voices.

Can't you just sit there and look out into the air?

Isn't that enough?

Do you always have to badger me for attention?

- Mabel, Mabel, set the table! - Goddamn you, Taffy!

- Now you're gonna get it. - A-ah!

Where's that thing?

- Come here! - A-ah!

What are you doing? Oh no, I'm gonna kill you!

- Can you hide this somewhere? - We got a mint purse.

Sure, girls. Put it in the closet.

Anybody saw you bring that stuff in here?

No. We got it right down the street.

- Nobody was home. - Oh, good. Sit down.

You're lucky they came in here, Miss Taffy!

We oughta get ten bucks each just for the TV.

- Hi there, Taffy. - She's been hideous today.

She was about to get a good whippin'.

She looks so cute.

- Who are you, ugly? - You know who they are.

- I've never seen them before. - Oh, Taffy.

I just saw you yesterday, Taffy.

Come sit here with your Aunt Chicklette.

Oh, my God! This kid's bitin' me. Get off!

[Taffy screaming]

What's the matter with you, you little brat?

She's getting tied to her bed for a week for this.

[screaming continues]

Oh, my God, listen to you!

You hideous little brat!

Oh, you're gonna get it good this time.

Alright, come on.

Brat, bit my arm.

She's gonna pay for it. Get on that bed.

Can't we just..

- Shut up, Taffy! - No!

- Shut up! - Gettin' on our nerves.

I don't know what I was thinkin' when I had her.

Why do you take shit from her?

I'll never have another one.

A horrible little kid, that goddamn little shit.

I don't know how you take it anyway, Dawn.

She bit my arm.

That child's becoming a monster. You can't imagine.

Whining and demanding attention

and shrieking those same stupid jump rope chants day and night.

Give me that jump rope. Where is it?

- I'll get that rope. - Oh, thanks, honey.

- Give me those scissors. - Here.

I've had it with this jump rope.

That's the last time

she's gonna jump with this goddamn thing.

Ah! I hate it!

I'm glad I had an abortion.

Maybe she needs more punishment.

I've done everything a mother can do.

I've locked her in her room, I've beat her with a car aerial.

Nothing changes her. It's hard being a loving mother.

I give her free food, a bed, clean underpants.

What does she expect?

I can't beat her little baby butt all the time.

Just get your hair done tomorrow and you'll feel better.

That's what I always do when I get depressed.

Maybe I will.

I'll tell ya, the Lipstick Beauty Salon is the best.

They only let, well, you know, special girls in.

You have to audition to even get your hair done.

And there's this guy that does hair there.


I'd suck the socks off him in a minute.

Yeah, Gater's his name.

And you know what, he lives right next door.

(Dawn) 'Wonder what his story is.'

'Maybe he's a...chubby chaser.'




(male #1) 'Aunt Ida. Aunt Ida.'

You really like it?

'Yeah. Alright, Aunt Ida.'

Whoo! Aunt Ida! Aunt Ida, alright.

'Don't you look sweet. Mmm.'

[Aunt Ida moaning]

'Yeah! Aunt Ida.'

Yeah! Alright, Aunt Ida. Don't you look hot today!

Why, thank ya, honey.

I feel more... o-oh, o-oh, o-oh..

...more comfortable.

Pour me a drink, would ya?

Sure, Aunt Ida. What would you like?


Have you met any nice boys in the salon?

- They're all pretty nice. - I mean any nice queer boys.

Do you fool with any of 'em?

Aunt Ida, you know I dig women.

Aw, don't tell me that.

Christ, let's not go through this again.

All those beauticians and you don't have any boy dates?

I don't want any boy dates.

Oh, honey, I'd be so happy if you'd turn nellie.

No way! I'm straight.

I mean, I like a lot of queers

but I don't dig their equipment, you know.

- I like women. - But you could change.

Queers are just better.

I'd be so proud if you was a fag

and had a nice beautician boyfriend.

I'd never have to worry.

There ain't nothin' to worry about.

I worry that you'll work in an office, have children

celebrate wedding anniversaries.

The world of heterosexual is a sick and boring life.

Sometimes I think you're fuckin' crazy.

I'm real happy just the way I am.

Aw, let me bleach your hair out.

Let's go down to Wagon Wheel Bar.

I know there are some nice boys there for you.

'You are fuckin' nuts, Aunt Ida.'

I gotta get to work. Don't you worry about me.

Sex ain't no problem.

See you after my last wash and set.

Okay, honey.


[laughing hysterically]

[laughing continues]

- God, I love hairdressers. - More.



[siren blaring]

Good morning, staff, and hello to all the lovely ladies

of the Lipstick Beauty Salon.

- What a beautiful couple. - Thanks, Butter.

(male #1) 'That's a gorgeous outfit, Mrs. Dasher.'

- It must be an original. - It is.

- Bet it cost a fortune. - It did.

Striking, aren't they?

- So chic. - No kidding.

Good morning, Mr. Dasher.

You look breathtaking today, Mrs. Dasher.

Thank you, Vikki.

There are some applicants for appointments here.

- Would you like to view them? - Anyone particularly appalling?

Well, yes, there is a Dawn Davenport.

She seems especially cheap. You may like her.

At ease! Back to work!

(all) Yes, Mrs. Dasher.

Alright, girls. Come on, line up.

Here's your big chance. Here they are, Mr. Dasher.

Back over there so we can see you.

Oh, my God! Look at that one!

She's just putrid! You! Go on! Get out!

- You heard her. Beat it! - Go on, doll. Get out.

Forgive me, Donald. I couldn't help it.

There has to be a line drawn somewhere.

You are quite right, Donna.

You see, we are a private salon

catering to ravishing beauties only.

Even one average customer

would be enough to plummet our reputation forever

so we must pick and choose with great care.

Firstly, I'd like to know your occupations.

I'm a stripper.

And I work for the telephone company.

- Disqualified. - Oh, I'm sorry.

May we suggest Mr. Ray's Wig World?

What's the matter with the telephone company?

I believe my husband is asking the questions.

Go on! Get out! Get out of my beauty salon!

Beat it, hon!

- And you, Miss.. - Davenport.

Dawn Davenport.

I'm a thief and a shitkicker and, uh..

...I'd like to be famous.

I see. You're quite striking.

We are always curious as to what drew you here

to Les Lipstick.

Well, I heard all the strippers come here

and I got sick of my old salon.

And supposing we become sick of you?

Well, I had hoped that wouldn't happen.

Well, I think it is happening.

It's hard to explain, but when I look into your face

I pick up a distinct feeling of nausea.

- Hey, wait a minute! - Disqualified.

Raising your voice to my wife.

In this shop, her wish is my command.

May I suggest Mr. Ray's Wig World?

What is she, some kind of princess or something?

Princess Perfect.

Hey, get the fuck out!

Oh, Mrs. Dasher, I'm awfully sorry.

The Better Business Bureau will hear from me!

- Just get out! - Attention!

Staff, this is our new customer

Miss Dawn Davenport.

'This is Dribbles.'



'and Butterfly.'

'He's been here the longest.'

I'd like to have Gater, if it would be alright.


Gater, see to it that Miss Davenport

is well taken care of.

Oh, Gater, I've heard so much about you.

Could somebody run and get me a double egg salad on white toast?

Certainly, Dawn.

[jazz music]

[instrumental "Here Comes The Bride"]

[music continues]

[upbeat music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[Dawn moaning]

Can't you put down those damn magazines?

I like these damn magazines.

Better than me, I suppose?

No, just about the same in my book.

- Oh, can't we do it normal? - This is normal.

[Dawn moaning]

- Get my toolkit. - Get it yourself.

[moaning continues]

You want the hammer today, Dawn? Huh? Huh?

We can try the hacksaw.

That would be something different.

No! Not the hammer, Gater!

- Use the needle-nose pliers! - Oh, you asked for it, baby.

[moaning continues]

[banging on door]

Oh, my God! Look at you two, caught right in the very act!

Isn't that a pretty sight!

Taffy, go to your room.

Hey, Taffy baby, cool down. Come on here with your daddy.

Don't you talk to her like that.

You're not my daddy, you disgusting, hippie pig.

And I wouldn't get near a bed

that had been defiled by the likes of you two.

I'd sooner jump in a river of snot.

(Dawn) Well, go jump then.

Go kill yourself and do us all a favor.

Hey, Taffy baby, come suck your daddy's dick.

And I wouldn't suck your lousy dick if I was suffocating

and there was oxygen in your balls!

You pay some respect to your mother, Miss Taffy.

And if I catch you spying and nosing around here

one more time, I'm going to put you in the mental hospital.

She can't help it. She's retarded.

I am not retarded!

Oh, yes, you are, Taffy.

I had you tested when you were a little girl.

A staff of doctors examined you.

And maybe the reason you don't remember

is that they told me you are most definitely retarded.

I never went to any hospital.

- That is a rotten, filthy lie! - I'm afraid it's the truth.

I don't like it any better than you do.

To think that my genes were polluted by your birth

is not a very pleasant thought.

Oh, how could I call you my mother?

'I wish I'd been an orphan!'

You can tell she's retarded. Look at her face.

She has the face of an old woman.

Oh, it's true. Look in the mirror, Taffy.

For 14, you don't look so good.

It's because you've been such a brat all your life

that now, all that brattishness is showing in your face.

The face of a retarded brat.

Yes, sirree, that's a real time warp of a face you got there.

What do you know about anything?

Some of the faces I've seen you with could stop a train.

- Give me ten dollars. - Awfully demanding, aren't you?

Give me ten dollars or I'm calling the police.

It's as simple as that.

And don't think I'd hesitate to put you two slobs behind bars

for the rest of your lives.

What would you do with ten dollars?

Writing a book, hippie?

Why don't you go listen to some folk music and give me a break!

Taffy Davenport! Give her the money.


You heard me! Give her the ten dollars.




- You digging it, baby? - Uh, uh, uh.

Gater, Gater, Gater!



Real funny, Gater!

You should have seen your face.

I've had it with you. Why don't you just get out?

Go back to your fat aunt and leave me alone!

I got off on it. I really got off on it.

Oh, did you?

Well, hip hip hooray for your cheap climax.

What about me, fuckface?

Some pitiful excuse for a husband you turned out to be.

Why don't you just go take your fucking toolkit

and go fuck a garage?

- I'm gonna get my hair done. - I couldn't help it.

If you could have seen the expression on your face.

I thought I'd piss myself when I seen that carrot in your mouth.

It's a weird joint, ain't it, Dawn?

You're cut off for two weeks for this.

And don't, just don't even speak to me at the salon either.

Just pretend we don't know one another.

[indistinct chattering]

That'll be $104, please.

For a wash and set?

Well, I don't know what you're accustomed to

in good grooming, but this is the Lipstick Beauty Salon

and not some bargain-basement beauty school.

That's outrageous!

I won't pay that for a wash and set.

Well, give us the hairdo back then.

What're you talking about?

Boys, she won't pay. Take the hairdo back.

What do you mean she won't pay?

- Won't pay? Slut! Come here! - Want me to take that back.

Don't take that..

- Pay for the goddamn hair. - I ought to rip your face off!

Get out of my salon!

Don't ever set foot in here again

or I'll put your little plastic surgery in reverse!

'Now get out!'

- Goddamn nerve. - Come on.

(Wink) What does she think this is?

Sorry for the interruption, Sally.

You're one of my prettiest customers.

Oh, shut up, Dribbles.

The things a woman has to go through to get some height.

How's your little girl?

Why don't you bring her in more often?

Why, so you can undress her again with your eyes?

Christ sake, she's only six years old.

I know...but I just like to play with her.

I wish I was a little girl.

Well, throw a goddamn penny in a fountain

and make a wish and maybe it'll come true.

So I told her, "You can keep your fuckin' ten dollars.

I can steal ten dollars faster than they can make it."

What's the big deal about money?

It's so easy to get, I can't imagine why anybody works.

It boggles my imagination.

Well, maybe everybody's not a common thief like you.

Butterfly, you tired thing, we are anything but common.

I love the smell of shampoo.

We are upper echelon cat burglars

and don't you forget it, Mr. Butterfly.

Of course, I think I like the smell

of Clairol creme conditioner better.

You know, when it's on a freshly bleached head?

I don't know. I like them both, but--

- Shut up. - Don't pay them any mind, Wink.

They wouldn't know beauty if they fell over it.

(Vikki) Oh, hi, Dawn.

Good morning, Vikki.

I'd like my hair done quickly and quietly.

Why, sure, hon. You want Gater? You want him to do it?

No, I don't, Vikki.

If you must know, I'm thinking of a divorce

so please don't mention his name to me again.

I'm sorry to hear that, Dawn. Is he here today?

I'm really not aware of his schedule.

- Please! Really! - Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

I know what you're going through. I really do.

But they're all bastards!

- Cheer up. You don't need him. - It's alright. It's okay.

Just get somebody to set my hair, please.

Sure, hon. Excuse me a minute, hon.

- Sure. - Hello.

Why, yes, she's right here.

Why, certainly.

That was Mr. Dasher, Dawn. He wants to see you in private.

No one has ever been back there before.

It must be something big.

- Oh, and I look a mess. - Get fixed up, hon.

- Oh...thanks a lot, Vikki. - Good luck.

Hi, Sally. Hi, Concetta. Hey, Wink.

Hi. Uh, I better..

I can't talk now. I've got to go see Mr. Dasher.

- See you later. - Bye!


(Mr. Dasher) 'Come in.'

- 'In here.' - O-oh.

- Good to see you, Dawn. - Hello, Mr. Dasher.

It's a privilege to have you here.

- A sip of soda? - Oh, thank you.

Mmm. But I don't understand this honor.

You will in time, Miss Davenport.

- Have a seat, won't you? - Oh, thank you.

My wife and I, and please

do call us Donald and Donna from now on

are wondering if you wouldn't be interested

in becoming involved business.

- Show business? - Well, sort of show business.

You see, Dawn, we're planning a little experiment

a beauty experiment, you could call it

and we want you to be our model.

Sort of a glamorous guinea pig, you might say.

A beauty experiment?

You see, my husband and I enjoy taking pictures a great deal.

We'd like you to pose for some rather unusual shots.

Oh-ho, you mean pornography.

Certainly not!

Sex is not one of our interests.

In fact, one of the rules you must always obey

is to never mention a sex act in front of us.

We find the subject most repellent

and we must ask you to observe this rule at all times.

You should know that we view sex as a violation of the spirit

and we would certainly never allow ourselves to be caught

in one of those ludicrous positions.

Of course, of course. I'm so sorry. I really didn't know.

- Are you still a thief, Dawn? - Yes, I am.

Not as much as I used to be, but I still rob houses.

- With those other two? - Yes, Chicklette and Concetta.

Would you allow us to take some photos of you

committing various crimes?

Crimes that tickled our fancy?

I-I guess so.

You see, our experiment involves beauty and crime.

We feel them to be one.

We have a theory that crime enhances one's beauty.

The worse the crime gets, the more ravishing one becomes.

'We want you to prove us right.'

Say yes, Dawn.

Aren't you sick of getting your hair done?

Don't you want the throbbing excitement

of a modeling career?

We'll give you a new look, an interest in life

and together we could overcome this boredom

that imprisons us all.

I'd love to have the two of you take my photos

but I won't get arrested, will I?

The police department will not be involved.

And any special favors, well, don't hesitate to ask.

Well, there is one thing.

- Ask and you shall receive. - Fire my husband.

- Gater? - Yes! I want a divorce!

Vikki, this is Mr. Dasher.

Uh, please fire Gater.

No reason. Yes.

Tell him no reason at all.


Look who's coming out now.

Hey, fatso, I wanna talk to you a second.

- Just speak to my attorney. - Hey! Did you get me fired?

Maybe I did and maybe I didn't.

Shut up!

[imitating a car]

A-ah! Look out! Look out! Look out!



How many times have I told you

to play car accident outside!

Oh! Oh, mother! It was a horrible accident!

Look at my friend! She was in the death seat

and her head got caught in the windshield!

Oh, the ambulance should be here soon, I think.

I'm okay...I guess.

(crying) Oh! It wasn't my fault!

The other car came outta nowhere and I-I slammed on the brakes.

Look at this mess, Taffy!

Broken glass and ketchup all over my fine furniture!

Call another ambulance! Call anybody!

Help me.

Where did you get this crap, Taffy?

I told you to spend that money on a cute outfit.

But, oh, no! as soon as my back is turned

you run right out and spend it on props

for your morbid little games. I want it cleaned up pronto.

We're having guests for dinner

and I want you on tiptop behavior

and looking as P-R-E-T-T-Y as humanly possible.

Who's coming to dinner?

Donald and Donna Dasher are going to join us

for a small, informal buffet.

And if you dare to embarrass me in front of them--

If I have to eat with Gater, I'll spit food!

I'm afraid I'll have to break the news to you, Taffy.

I've thrown Gater out and started divorce proceedings.

I don't want to seem overly bitter, but I'd appreciate it

if you would destroy all of his belongings.

Well, hallelujah.

I'd be happy to, mother.

I'm going to go sink into a long, hot beauty bath now.

Try to erase the stink of a five year marriage.

Someone at such a tender age as you, Taffy

might find it difficult to understand

what a long, hard, painful decision

this was on my part.

I'm a free woman now and my life is just ready to begin.

Oh, Ernie, have another pretzel, for Christ's sake.

Wait till you meet my little Gater.

You two are gonna fall right in love.

My dear, I hope so.

Are you sure he's gay?

Well, I just use common sense.

I mean, if they're smart, they're queer.

And if they're stupid, they're straight.

Right, Ernie?

Are you sure you won't have another pretzel?

I'm sure, Miss Thing. I'm sure.

Pretzels give you plaque.

Hello, Aunt Ida.

(Aunt Ida) Gater, what a coincidence.

There's somebody here dying to meet you.

Ernie, this is Gater. Gater, this is Ernie.

Hi, stud.

Get him out of here.

Gater Nelson, you be polite to Ernie.

He wants a date with you.

Well, I don't want a date with him.

I came to say goodbye, Aunt Ida. I'm moving to Detroit.


I want to be near the auto industry.

I'm sick of hairdressing. And besides, Dawn had me fired.

I can get you a job in the bath, Mary.

Look, fucker, take a walk, alright?


You better beat it before I punch your fucking face

out that window.

No gay knocks for me, Ida.

At best, all you've got is trade.

Oh, Gater, Ernie's your type.

Move back in with me

and we'll get you a job as a female impersonator.

His hands are too big, darling.

Bye, Gater. It was... fab meeting you.

Fuck you! You're worse than my wife.

You can't leave.

(Gater) 'Well, I am.'

Oh, Gater, I'm sorry about Ernie.

I thought you'd be cute together.

Anybody's better than Dawn Slovenport.

It'll be alright. I'm just sick of everything here.

I'm going to Detroit to find happiness

within the auto industry.

No, Gater, no! I'll die if you leave!

No, no, Gater. No, please don't go.

Alright, Aunt Ida. Goodbye.

No, no, Gater. No.


No, no, no!


Gater, no, no! A-ah!

[screaming continues]

No, no. A-a-ah!



- What? - Hi, brat. Is your mother home?

I have a little going away present for her.

- I.. - Hey, mother!

There's a shithead here to see you!

What are you doing on my porch?

I told you not to come moping here anymore.

Dawn, don't have so many hard feelings.

I brought you a little present to remember me by.

- Yeah? What is it? - Ow!

Oh, God! This neighborhood's hideous.

I'm scared rats are gonna come out and bite my new nylons.

True, it's not Beverly Hills

but crime breeds in these neighborhoods, Donna.

It's really an oh-so-perfect place

for our crime model to live. I rather like it.

I'm glad I didn't wear one of my designer originals.

The air is so sooty and damp, our clothes will be ready

for the Goodwill after this.

Stop being so prissy, Donna. Excitement is not always clean.

You must get used to this lowlife

for here lies beauty.

Crime and beauty.

Oh, here it is. How perfect.


(Dawn) 'Hold on. I'll be right there.'


Hi. Come on in.

Good evening, Dawn.

- Hello. - Hi.

Did you have any trouble finding the place?

Your directions were pinpoint perfect.

And your street, well, it's a street of charm.

Oh, thank you.


And I bet you cleaned just for us.

Well, I did tidy up.

Uh, what happened to your eye?

Oh, that. I am so embarrassed.

I fell getting on the bus

and hit my eye on the farebox.

Well, I felt like a damn fool.

- Oh, come on in. - May I take a photo of it?

Oh, certainly.

[camera clicks]


I love having my picture taken.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sit down.

I'm so excited about you all coming here for dinner.

Stunning arrangement.

Oh, thank you. You both look so nice.

Oh, thank you.


I'd like you to meet my daughter, Taffy.

Taffy, this is Mr. and Mrs. Dasher.

They're going to put mother into show business.

Is the circus in town?

She's so funny.

If you'll excuse me, I'll go check on dinner.

Help yourself to the chips.

What's that camera for?

To take pictures of your mother.


We happen to think she is quite beautiful.

You must be cockeyed then.

Hey, lady, have some chips?


Really, I couldn't. Thanks, but, uh, no, thanks.

Na na na..

Do you want your spaghetti with or without cheese?

I'll have two chicken breasts, please.

Well, uh, we're not having that.

We're having spaghetti.

Oh, I couldn't possibly eat spaghetti.

Do I look Italian?

We rarely eat any form of noodle, Dawn

but I'll take a tiny portion to be polite.

With cheese, please.

I'll have an extremely large glass of ice water.

I want mine with lots of cheese.

I'm afraid there's not enough for you, Taffy.

How about some toast?

What do you mean, there's not enough?

You can feed these two ham bones

and you can't feed your own daughter?

I told you things were gonna start changing around here.

Taffy, don't make me lose my temper in front of company.

[camera clicks]

Now, there's not enough food for you to eat.

If Mr. Dasher leaves some on his plate, you may have first pick.

But I cannot be running out to the supermarket

every minute just for you.

If I can't have any, nobody can!

You come out of that kitchen!

(Taffy) 'They can't have it and I want it!'

(Dawn) 'Put that food down, you brat!'

- 'I want it!' - 'You horrible little brat!'

You lay off that food! I'm paying for that food!

[Taffy screaming]

(Dawn) 'Oh, my God!'

[all groaning]

Oh, my God, I'm going to kill you!

- Let me see...face forward. - Stop it.

[Taffy screaming]

[Dawn screaming]

This is so exciting.

Just think of all the little horror stories

that go on in other people's lives.

Your dinner party has been a smashing success.

Oh, I'm so sorry you had to witness this.

I didn't want to tell you, but my daughter's retarded.

A child psychologist told me to beat her unmercifully

whenever she acted up. But it's never gone this far before.

I hope she's not dead!

Oh, these photographs will be stunning.

How about a few more quickie shots?

- Oh, anything for you, Donald. - Oh, okay, uh...look rough!

Look happy.

I love those flashbulbs.

(Mr. Dasher) 'Look horrified at what you've done to your daughter.'

Oh, look like you've just won a prize.


[Aunt Ida screaming]

Dawn, you son of a bitch!

(Aunt Ida) 'You're the one who did it!'

You! You drove Gater away!

- Oh, my God! - Incredible!

Ida Nelson, you get out of my house!

You made Gater leave!

I got something for your face, motherfucker!

[Dawn and Donna screaming]

Acid! Acid! It's eating her face!

(Mr. Dasher) 'Move, Donna.'

'These will be the most exquisite shots yet.'

'Hold still while I focus. Move your hand.'

Help me.

(Donna) 'Operation Excitement is off to a flying start.'

(Mr. Dasher) 'Just one more shot, Dawn. You are beautiful.'

Thank you, Mr. Dasher.

[camera clicks]

[Dawn groaning]

Come on.

These visiting hours stink.

So, what you're saying, doctor, is that even though

there's no hope for the scar tissue to develop

makeup in itself would not be painful

to the patient.

Well, no, I suppose not. But I find it most peculiar

you would even discuss makeup.

What she needs is a good plastic surgeon.

Utter nonsense, doctor. With proper makeup treatments

her scars will be mere beauty marks.

The medical profession has always shown

its extreme ignorance in the beauty field.

What you don't realize, doctor, and really, how could you

is that Miss Davenport will now be more beautiful

than if she had had a million-dollar facelift.

What I find most distasteful

is the fact you've chosen to bring a camera.

Her face has been hideously disfigured.

Certainly, this is no time for photographs.

Why not let us worry about proper timing?

Yes, why don't you mind your own business?

In all of my years in the medical profession

never have I encountered such a morally bankrupt

'group of people.'

Why, not only are you selfish and vicious

but you have no feeling for the cares of your loved one.

And my bill will reflect your attitude in this hospital.

- Gorgeous. - Why, you--

Watch it, doc. I sue and bruise easily.

Miss Davenport is ready for her guests.

See you in malpractice court.

[both scoff]

Oh, get the presents.


Dawn, your friends are here.

Oh, hello, everyone.

Hello, Miss Beautiful. We're all here

for the unveiling. It's like a holiday for us.

This is so exciting. Let's all say hi.

Hi, Dawn. It's me, Chicklette.

I can't wait to see your new face. I hear it's stunning.

It's Concetta, Dawn. I'm so jealous.

Everybody tells me you're the prettiest now.

Dribbles here. I hope that fart of a doctor

hasn't been giving you any trouble.

It's Wink. I can't wait to do your hair, doll.

Oh, thank you, honey. Thanks to everyone.

It's Butter, baby. You'll be a goddess

with this new face, a goddess of Gordor

protect all your children in crime.

I want to see it. Nurse! Nurse! Remove my bandages.

She asked me to remind you

that she is, of course, without makeup.

(all) That's alright.

We understand, Dawn. Don't worry about makeup.

Oh, slowly, nurse, slowly.

I want perfect focus.

I can smell flesh. God, I could faint, I'm so excited.

It's just like an art opening.

Christ, I wish it'd happened to me.

Just think of how it would look with my hair.

I'm getting a hard on. Beauty always gives me a hard on.

Aim it the other way, then, Wink.

You know how I detest organs.

Beauty has absolutely nothing to do with that word

that thing you have there hanging like an obscene pickle.

Spare me your anatomy.

There it is.

One hell of a rotten face.

(all) O-oh!

- 'Oh!' - 'Ah!'

It's beautiful.

'So lovely.'

Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!

Makes the Mona Lisa look like a number painting.

Acid does what Eterna 27 cannot.

I'll say.

Your face, for the world to see.

Breathtakingly beautiful.

Give her a mirror. Let her see the miracle.

Beauty, beauty, look at you. I wish to God I had it, too.

[gasps] Oh!


Pretty, pretty?

(all) Yay!

- Look what we've bought you. - Oh!

Oh, Donald, it's beautiful!

And look at all this makeup we have for you.

You're so stunning. I could cry in the face of beauty.

- You really like it? - Oh, yes.

I guess I kind of do, too.

Would you put my makeup on for me?

- Oh, I'd love to, Dawn. - 'Oh, isn't that sweet?'

Nothing is too good for our crime model.

Oh, thank you, Donald.


How do you like it, Dawn?

Oh! Oh, Donna, it's beautiful.

All the time you were in the hospital recovering

we were busy, busy trying to make you happy.

- Here's $100, too. - Oh!

And here's something else for you to treasure.

Oh! What is it?

[gasps] Ah! A portrait.

You are both so good to me.

Ever since I met you, my life's been like a vacation.

Look! A little stage!

Specially built, Dawn, all for you.

All for the model of the year.

We've been hoping for a rather insane camera session.

Come on, I'm ready.

I'm just in the mood for a red hot camera session!

Slowly, Dawn, slowly. You'll give me a heart attack.

Let me give you some medicine.

What kind, Donald?

Is it a beauty treatment?

Yes, Dawn, exactly. It's eyeliner, liquid eyeliner.

We cooked it down this morning. It won't hurt. Nothing hurts.

- Have you ever mainlined? - No, but I will.

Keep taking those pictures and I'll do it.

Come on, shoot me!

Feel it in your blood?

Caressing your corpuscles, the wonders of liquid eyeliner.

Say it! Say, "Liquid eyeliner."

Liquid eyeliner.

Model! Model!

(Donna) 'Give us something twisted. Give us something warm.'

Oh, good.

I'm glad I met you! I love crime, too.

Especially the excitement of getting away with it.

These photos will be art!

Hardcore art.

You ain't seen nothing yet. I'll model for eternity for you.

Just let me hear the click of that camera.

Oh! O-oh!

Just think of it, house robbing, new gowns

murder, scars, fingerprints, lashes.


You're missing the best part. Wake up.

She hasn't received all of her gifts, yet.

Beauty, eyeliner..

Oh! forgive me, Donald.

(Donna) 'It was really just too much for me.'

(Dawn) 'What presents? Get me another present!'

Over here. Here's your biggest surprise yet.

Open it, for God's sakes, Open it.

Oh, it's as big as a house.

Oh, my Christ! It's her!

Freshly kidnapped for your amusement.

- With no ransom, of course. - She's so beautiful.

We figured you'd want to keep her caged like a rare bird.


You mean she has to live here in my own home?

Only for a temporary period until we've gotten

all the photos we need for our experiment.

But she disfigured me.

Think about it, Dawn, she did you a favor.

And now you can return this favor.

Cut off the hand that threw the acid.

Whatever you say, Donald. I had enough

and I'm going to chop off your scrawny little paw.

Hold it! Actio... look excited.


[Ida screaming]

How was that for a beauty photo, Mr. Donald Dasher?

Get those cameras rolling!



- What's going on here? - Oh!

Why-why, hello, Taffy. Did you miss mommy?

I'm home from the hospital. I'm alright.

I was hoping the next time I'd see you

would be at your funeral.

You sure look ugly.

Not everyone seems to feel that way.

I think it's time we were going, Donna.

It's been a long day, and I'm feeling a bit damp.

Ditto, Donald.

I really should be changing my outfit, anyway.

I've had it on nearly five hours.

I want to thank you both again for everything.

Our pleasure. Would you care to join us for dinner tonight?

Oh, I'd love to.

See you at 6:00. Light dinner.

You may want to eat before you come.

Am I invited?

N. Good afternoon.

- Bye. - Bye.

Thanks again.

Why didn't you send money while you were away?

How was I supposed to eat?

Come, come, Taffy.

It doesn't look like you starved to death, does it?

I wanna leave here.

Well, good riddance to bad rubbish.

What are you trying to do to me?

Why are you always with those people?

Why is she in a cage?

I'm modeling for the Dashers, that's all.

And Ida, well, she's our new pet.

You always wanted a pet, Taffy.

I thought you'd be pleased.

You're trying to drive me crazy, aren't you?

Well, I can't stand it anymore.

Mother, please tell me who is my real father?

I've told you never to ask me about that.

If it was up to him, you'd be rotting in some foster home.

I don't care. I've got to know.

Tell me, mother, who is my father?

Oh, very well. Go see him.

See what it gets you.

He hates you, anyway.

Where does he live, and what's his name?

If you must know, his name is Earl Peterson.

I haven't seen him in a decade, Taffy.

I may have his address stored on a piece of paper

in an old shoe in my bureau.

I really can't remember.


Daddy! Daddy!

[knocking on door]

'Daddy, it's me, Taffy!'

'Open the door!'

I don't know nobody named Taffy.

I'm busy right now.

(Taffy) 'Oh, please, let me in, daddy!'

'Open the door!'

Oh, fucking shut up!

Alright, already.

What do you want?

Oh, daddy! Daddy, it's me Taffy.

Your long-lost little girl.

Hey, get off. I ain't your daddy.

I ain't even married.

Oh, I know that, but you're my daddy, alright

my mother told me. My mother is Dawn Davenport.

I don't know nobody named Dawn Dawnport.

Oh, but you must! Mother told me.

Oh, please, let me stay with you awhile.

Yeah, you can stay here for a while.

- You want a drink? - No!

You don't even believe me, do you?

Yeah, yeah, hey, I'll be your sugar daddy.

How about that?


Oh, I'm feeling a little drunk, so don't mind me.

Shitface, you're my father.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Who'd you say your mother was?

Dawn Davenport. You know her.

What's she look like?

Fat, very fat.



Yeah. Yeah, I maybe remember.

Oh, daddy, I knew you would.

Mother's been awful to me. For years, I've suffered.

Please let me stay with you for a while.

I won't be any trouble. I can..

I'll help you clean and we can go out together

and maybe you could buy me some regular clothes.

Can you fuck as good as your mother?

Pig! You goddamn, slimy pig!

Hey, little Taffy, do you have breasts like Taffy?

Fuck you!


Hey! You spilled my drink!

Daddy Earl's got a little present for you here.


Oops, I'm sorry.

I've been drinking.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

No! No! No!

No! No! No!

No! No..


Boom boom boom

Boom boom boom boom

D-I-G means look

D-I-G means stare

D-I-G means see

D-I-G means glare

D-I-G means to use your eyes

So dig, dig, dig, you crazy guys

Dig, dig, digarooni

Dig, dig, digarooni

Dig, dig, dig, digarooni

Dig, dig, dig, digarooni

Dig, dig, dig, dig

Dig you crazy guys

I like this the best. It has little Taffy in it.

I bet the police would love to get their hands on these photos.


Come right on in, Dawn.



Don't you look pretty?

Oh, thank you.

So divine, isn't it?

Oh, it's beautiful.

And God, my walk over here was fabulous.

Everyone was staring and gawking at me

like I was a princess!

Well, naturally. Sit down, Dawn.

We all know you're beautiful. It takes the stupid little world

a little longer to catch on. Always has.

(Donna) 'And don't forget the influence of that medicine we gave you.'

Eyeliner taken internally heightens beauty awareness.

Oh, believe me, I realize that now.

Why, I have never felt complete

until I experienced an eyeliner rush.

We've been on the stuff for months.

Doctors and other simpletons may frown upon it

but we beauty czars know what is good for the blood.

Would you like to shoot some more?

I had some orally earlier.

Oh, no, thanks, Donna.

I'm still up on it now.

Would you care for an hors d'oeuvre, then?

Eat one. They're really quite tasty.

O-oh, little mascara brushes!


Yummy, huh?


Yes, delicious, but where's your camera?

Oh, it's here. Don't worry about that.

We have important business matters to discuss tonight.

We've decided that the time is right

for you to blast off into show business.

Oh, I'm ready, Mr. Dasher!


You little bitch, let me out of this goddamn birdcage.

Little bitch? Is that all the thanks I get?

I got you a hook, didn't l?

Mother will kill me as it is.

Who cares about your stinkin' mother?

She stole my Gater away.

But she ain't gonna get me.

And I'll thank you for this fucking hook

after I rip her eyes out with it.

- Give me something to eat. - There's no food here.

Mother doesn't buy food for me.

You want an egg? There might be old eggs in the kitchen.

No, I don't want no goddamn eggs!

I want meat and potatoes.

Please don't yell at me.

I've had a horrible experience today.

I can't help what's happened to you

anymore than I can help what I did today.

Don't you think I hate mother as much as you do?

Let me out of this cage, little Taffy

and I'll give you a cookie.

I can't let you out yet.

I promise I will, but I need time to think.

I don't have anyplace to go.

Maybe, I could go live with those Hare Krishna people.

They're always nice to me when I see them downtown.

Maybe, maybe I could help them out.

I just want something nice to happen in my life.

If only I could go live with the Hare Krishna people.

They'd help me.

What are you doing here?

I thought you went to live with your father.

He moved. He wasn't at that address.

Pity, pity. Who ungagged this maggot?

You told me she was my pet. I was just playing with her.

You let me out of here, Dawn pig-pork

or you'll be sorry.

Now, now, now, Ida.

You're supposed to be singing a sweet little song.

Are you hungry?

The Dashers sent some crackers for you.

Ida, want a cracker?

- Fuck off! - Who gave you that hook?

- Was it you, Taffy? - No, I swear!

Oh, yes, it was you sneaking, conniving, little abortion!

She was in pain.

You're a pain, too, Taffy. A pain in my big asshole.

I'll see you fry in the electric chair for this.

I'll personally see that you fry in the goddamn chair for this.

I'll shut you up.

Where's that gag?

Fucker! Pig fucker!

Was that a mating call?

Ouch! I'll shut that big flytrap!

Hetero! Filthy hetero! Stink shit!

Oh, you'll never get out of here now!

And I won't clean your cage for a week!

Oh! Goddamn it, you broke my nail.


(sobbing) You're insane!

My own mother is insane.

And you stop that fake blubbering

and don't go getting any crocodile tears

on my new furniture, either.

Look at you. You're a freak.

(Taffy) 'Oh, God, what's happened to your hair?'

Haven't you ever heard of style, Taffy?

I'm going to live with the Hare Krishna people.

What did you say?

The Krishna's all love, mother.

Oh, God, I would have killed you at birth

had I thought you would even entertain such an idea.

Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna

Stop that bullshit!

Where did you meet those awful people?

Are they trying to brainwash you?

Can't you see how pretty your mother is?

Don't you envy me?

Do you want to walk around the street

dressed in rags the rest of your life

selling stink sticks?

Incense, mother. Incense.

Hare Rama

Stop those chants!

You're just trying to get on my nerves now.

I would die of embarrassment

if you ever dared link my name with that pack of fools.

Think of my career.

Why, I'd sooner you be a secretary.

Rama, Hare Rama

Oh! I'm warning you right now, Taffy.

If I'm ever downtown

and see you dressed in one of those ridiculous outfits

bothering shoppers, and dancing around like some fool..

...I'll kill you, and I mean business.

You can't kill love, mother.

You can't kill Krishna

because Krishna is consciousness.

Oh, God!

I'll show you consciousness while I knock you unconscious.

Now, Taffy, I have a very busy week ahead of me.

I have hours of studying to do

plus a lot of rehearsal for my new nightclub act.

If you feel you must stay here

I ask you to constantly remember

that you are in the presence of a star.


Jesus Christ almighty!



(Dribbles) 'Step right up, ladies and gentlemen.'

- 'Step right this way.' - 'Free makeup in the lobby.'

See the most beautiful woman alive.

Just wait till you see the show.

You'll get the surprise of your lives.

- Step right up. - Step right this way.

This is a show you will not believe.

You should see the crowds out there, Dawn. It's packed.

God, you'll be a household word overnight.

Oh, just think, flashbulbs popping

your picture in the paper, writers in the audience

artists just begging to paint you.

Just like you were president.

Tonight, she'll be even more important than the president.

Oh, I just can't wait to get out there.

I can feel exhibitionism throbbing in my veins.

Where have you been, Taffy?

I thought you left me here to rot.

I'm living with the Hare Krishna people now, Ida.

I've finally found my inner peace.

I'm going to set you free now.

Oh, thank Christ, Taffy. Quick, honey, let me out.

My ass hurts from this stool.

If you let me out right away

I'll buy five dollars worth of incense from you.

Ida, all this time you've been in this cage

you could have been meditating.

Why, you're practically in the lotus position right now.

- Come on. - Thank you. Thank you.

- There. - Oh, thank you.

- Oh, here. - Thank you, Taffy.

Thank you.

I want you to go immediately to the police.

Tell them that my mother, the enemy of spirituality

is at Superstar Nightclub and I want her arrested tonight.

Tell the police everything.

I'll go right to the police station, Miss Taffy.

And I'll report it all and remember my offer.

It still stands.

If you get tired of being a Hare Krishner.

you come live with me and be a lesbian.

Fly away!

Fly away quickly like a little bird.

Quickly to the police.

Tell them his divine grace, the Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada

has spoken.

Thank you, Taffy. Thank you. I will, I will.

[audience cheering]

[laughing hysterically]

You look violent.

[laughing continues]

Oh, Richard Speck, guide me through this night.

Help me to be brave on this night of glamour.

[cheering continues]

[laughing hysterically]

O-oh... whoo-hoo..

Hare Krishna, mother.

Oh, you've finally done it, haven't you?

Embarrassed me on my night of fame!

No reporter saw you, did they?

Oh, look at you. I could vomit.

I thought I'd come and see you one last time

before your karma caught up with you.

Mother, it's not too late. Come to the temple with me.

- The exact opposite of beauty. - Remember Alice Crimin?

All of you, can't you see what you're doing?

Worshipping the flesh and ignoring the spiritual.

Oh, if only you could see the light.

Discovering my consciousness

was like finding a million dollars in the street.

I'm glowing with happiness.

Well, glow on, then, Taffy

because the sight of you makes my flesh crawl.

I'm sick of listening to you babble commandments

and spout gibberish.

It's turning my stomach. Do you hear?

And in just a few seconds

I'm going to put you out of your happiness.

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna

Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up!

[laughing hysterically]

She's finally dead!

Oh, I think I'm ready to go on now.

[laughing hysterically]

[audience applauding]


Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce

the most beautiful woman in the world

the fabulous Dawn Davenport.

[audience cheering]

[cheering continues]

[audience cheering]

[cheering continues]

[audience whistling]

[cheering continues]

Thank you. I love you. Thank you.

Thank you from the bottom of my black little heart.

You came here for some excitement tonight

and that's just what you're going to get.

[audience cheers]

Take a good look at me because I'm going to be on the front

of every newspaper in this country tomorrow.

You're looking at crime personified

and don't you forget it. I framed Leslie Bacon.

[audience cheers]

I called the heroin hotline on Abbie Hoffman.

[audience cheers]

I bought the gun that Bremmer used to shoot Wallace.

[audience cheers]

I had an affair with Juan Corona.

I blew Richard Speck.

And I'm so fucking beautiful I can't stand it myself.

[audience cheering]

[gun firing]

Now, everybody, freeze. Who wants to be famous?

Who wants to die for art?

I do!

[gun firing]

[audience screaming]

[firing continues]

[audience screaming]

[guns firing]

[firing continues]

Freeze before I blow the bleached blonde head off of you!

We're innocent. We surrender.

She went berserk. She was on drugs.

(sobbing) Don't shoot us, please!

We're clean. Please don't shoot me!

[water gushing]


[dogs barking]

Oh, my God!

Oh, no.

Come on out, Davenport! We've got you!

[gun firing]

'Can't get away, Davenport. Come on.'

'Come on out, Davenport. We got you now.'

'We've got you.'

'We've got you this time. There's no way out. No way out.'

Come on out, Davenport. You haven't got a chance.

We got you, Davenport.

Come on out. We've got you, Davenport.

You haven't got a chance.

'Come on out. We've got you surrounded.'

You go that way. I'll go this way.



Don't move, Davenport.

- Freeze, Davenport. - Hands behind your back.

- I didn't do one thing! - You're gonna get it for this.

Get off!



Court is now in session. Mr. Wilroy.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Your Honor, defense counsel

ladies and gentlemen of the jury..

...the case we have before us is one of the most savage

crimes ever perpetrated by one individual in the history

of the state of Maryland.

The evidence will prove beyond a reasonable doubt

that the defendant, Dawn Davenport is guilty

of not only kidnapping, but first-degree murder.

Her victims came from all walks of life.

Young people, an elderly woman, police officers

and even the defendant's own daughter.

It is a sordid and sickening case

that can end in only one just verdict, guilty!

I ask you to show the defendant the same mercy

she showed her victims.

Sentence her to die in the electric chair.

Let's go to the night of April 22nd.

- Do you remember that night? - Yes, I do.

I was at home having some sherry

and listening to records and Dawn Davenport came to my door

and pulled a gun on me.

That's a lie. I done nothing!

Order. Order in this courtroom.

It's the truth, pig-pork, and you know it.

She forced me at gunpoint into her crummy little house

stripped me of my clothes and made me exhibit myself

in front of her.

You liar! Liar!

She made me put on a feather dress, locked me in a birdcage

and cut off my arm with an axe.

I object, Your Honor, on the grounds that this witness

is not competent and that she is senile.


I call to the stand, Donna Dasher.

She'll tell the truth. Hi, Donna.

(Dawn Davenport) 'We know all about excitement, don't we?'

'The press is all here, and I'm looking real pretty.'

But these two witches won't give me my fashion accessories.

[gavel banging]

Order in the courtroom.

Now, Mrs. Dasher, you understand you have been granted

total immunity for your testimony?

Yes. Thank you, Your Honor. It is total immunity?

Yes, Mrs. Dasher. Total.

You became involved taking pictures of the defendant.

- Is that correct, Mrs. Dasher? - Yes, fashion photographs.

Could you tell us a little about these photography sessions?

Well, they never really amounted to much, Mr. Wilroy.

We soon learned that Dawn's modeling abilities

were rather limited.

She would pose and strut all the time, as if she thought

we'd enjoy the sight of such sickening exhibitionism.

She even scarred her own face in order to attract attention.

She would talk of nothing but crime and criminal behavior

and she even seemed to idolize Richard Speck.

- 'Oh..' - Anything else, Mrs. Dasher?

- One time, she.. - Go on, go on.

She used a needle in front of me.

I was shocked silly but said nothing.

Hoping that maybe she was diabetic and hadn't told me.

Then, all by accident, we discovered she'd kidnapped

the woman next door.

You lying bitch!

You're the one that gave me those beauty treatments!

You're the one that kidnapped Ida, you lying, blonde bitch!

Liar! Liar!

Could you tell us about the evening of May 8th?

Yes. That is the night we went to what, Miss Davenport

refers to as her nightclub act.

We were backstage. Dawn was wild-eyed, pacing up and down.

Ranting and raving about her beauty

when, in reality, she looked quite hideous.

Her daughter Taffy came in and they had a big fight

over religious freedom.

Donna and I were terrified, but stood by helplessly.

The fighting continued and Dawn strangled

her daughter to death right in front of us.


What happened then?

She ran on stage to begin her so-called act.

A pitiful display based solely on how disgusting she could be.

She seemed to work herself up into a frenzy

shouting ridiculous claims of criminal conduct.

Grimacing wildly into the audience.

And then, before we could realize it, she pulled a gun

and began shooting into the crowd.

I can't describe the horror.

It was nothing but screams and panic.

I lived through a hell that night.

Your Honor, Mr. Wilroy, ladies and gentlemen of the jury..

...we have heard a lot of witnesses condemn my client.

We have heard some incredibly bizarre testimony

and we have seen some damaging physical evidence.

But my client is innocent. Innocent by reason of insanity.

Listen to her testimony.

Listen to the whisperings of a madwoman

and decide for yourselves if she is not insane, who is?

I do not ask you to forgive her.

I do not ask you to set her free.

I ask you to have the courage to help her.

Find her insane so that she can be put away in a mental hospital

for the rest of her natural life.

Dawn, how did you become acquainted

with Donald and Donna Dasher?

I went to their beauty parlor and they discovered me.

I was so beautiful.

I still am the top model in the country.


I don't want my trial to be held here.

I want it to be downtown in a large, large theater

where I belong.

You're a terrible press agent.

They won't even let cameras in here.

I'm your attorney, Dawn, not your press agent.

Well, get me some of my loungewear, then.

I can't be on Walter Cronkite looking like this.

Did you kidnap Ida Nelson?

No. The Dashers did it, but they lied.

They're just jealous of me because I'm more famous

than they are. The Dashers are liars!

Well, then, did you strangle your daughter?

Yes, I did, and I'm proud of it.

If only the Dashers hadn't destroyed the photographs.

They were art.

You believe the death of your daughter was art?

Of course!

Can't you stupid people see? I'm a huge star.

Just pick up the papers, and you'll see

my picture on the front page.

I'm only charged in this matter because I'm so photogenic.

Why, I should be on television right this minute!

What about your nightclub act, Dawn?

O-oh, it was a spectacular success.

A wild, fast-moving stage show with a finale

to top all finales. They loved it!

Even the people that died loved it!

How could they not love dying

if they're going to become famous for it?

Oh, the jury must realize. Look at me!

I'm the most famous person you've ever seen.

Take notes while you have the chance.

Quote me! Look at me! Look at my legs! Look at 'em!

(Judge) 'Bailiff, remove the defendant from the witness stand.'

Disgusting display.

Publicity! The death penalty! Electrocution! Ha-ha-ha.

Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached a decision?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

We find the defendant guilty as charged

and sentence her to die in the electric chair.


(female #1) 'Matron!'

How am I supposed to sleep with these goddamn bugs in here?

Where's that hog?

Matron, did you hear me?

I come to the garden alone

While the dew is still on the roses

And the voice I hear ringing in my ear

The son of God discloses

I'm gonna miss my little Dawn.

It ain't right they can put you in that chair.

Oh, Earnestine, I'm thrilled about it.

Today is my big day.

I feel lucky to receive the death penalty.

Why, it's the biggest award I could get in my field.

But I don't even have my acceptance speech ready.

I've got to practice it.

I know every word I say will be in the newspapers tomorrow.

Does it excite you to make love to someone so famous?

You excite me, Dawn, not your fame.

It's you I love.

Not all that publicity.

I am a star, right Earnestine?

Even the warden told me he had a problem with the press

trying to get my picture. Will you save my clippings?

I'll save them Dawn. I'll cry when I'm reading those.

Will you write a book about me? You know everything.

I trust you to write my story.

Described my make up and hair do.

Include sketches of every outfit I ever wore.

Oh, why won't they let me wear a gown and make up today?

Today of all days. My big moment in the electric chair.

Are you still thinking you're in a show baby?

You got to realise it's your life.

My life is a show.

Why is it so hard for people to understand?

My fans want me to die in the electric chair.

It'll be my final curtain call.

The most theatrical moment of my life.

Oh, no.

I've always tried to be a page one, Earnestine.

Life imprisoment would've have been

such a second rate new story.

This way my legend will have to live on.

I'm not going to die only for my fans of today.

But for their children and grand children.

Oh, you're so fucked up baby.

Give mama a big slappy kiss.

Okay, lesbians. I caught you.

Fucking pussies is a violation of jail rules.

I'm gonna write this thief up

and give it to the warden, Earnestine.

You get the adjustments center for this.

It's her last day for Christs sake.

Can't we spend it together?

Get back to your cell before I beat you up.

For Christ sake, it's her last day!

I know it's her last day.

Ha-ha, you all ready for the hot seat back there?

I'm supposed to ask you what you want for your last meal.

I'll have two veal cutlets.

Well, I'll get them. But you better eat them quick.

Because the electric chair don't wait for nobody.

Not even big stars like you.

You're going to be one fried lady today. Ha-ha-ha.

Dawn, I came to say goodbye to you. We're going to miss you.

Oh, don't look so sad. I'm happy, happy, happy.

The only thing I ask is that you remember me and talk about me

the rest of your life.

Oh, we will.

And tell everyone, they have my permission to sell their

memories of me to the media.

Oh, Dawn, could I have your autograph?

Why? Certainly, Sheryll. Sit down.

To, Sheryll. The prettiest girl on cell block four.

Love always. The beautiful and fabulous, Dawn Davenport.

Oh, I'll treasure it.

Would you like to see some modelling? I bet you would.

- And I don't mind. - I love to see you perform.

- Oh, good. Ready? - Oh, go! Go, Dawn, go!

- Go, go, Dawn! - Get back to your cell, Sheryl.

The show's over for Dawn Davenport.

- Goodbye, Dawn. - Goodbye, Sheryll.

Come on, be out of here, Sheryll.

Eat your food, pork chop. Eat up, ain't got much time.

I've changed my mind. I'm really not hungry anymore.

Lets not dawdle. I'm all ready for my big news event.

I'd like to go right now if it'll be alright.

Suit yourself, pizza face. Let's put your jewellery on for you.

Here comes the Chaplin now. Come on, Mrs. Star, your time's up.

- Are you ready, Dawn? - Yes, I'm ready Father.

The legends all ready for her

little appointment in the green room.

I've been looking forward to this, you know.

The Lord is my shephard. I shall not want. He makes me--

Goodbye, Sheryll.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, Lord, who shall soldered in my tent.

How you feeling there? Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, feels great. Comfortable too. Ha-ha-ha.

[indistinct chatter]

- Thank you. - Shut up, Davenport.

Ha-ha-ha, ugly, ugly, ugly. Ha-ha-ha.

I'd like to thank all the wonderful people

that made this great moment in my life come true. Ha-ha-ha.

My daughter Taffy, who died in order to further my career.

My first chicken, Consuela, who should be here with me today.

All the fans who died so fashionably.

And gathered in my night of club act.

And especially all those wonderful people who were

kind enough to read about me in the newspapers.

And watch me on the television news shows.

Without all of you. My career couldn't have ever

gotten this far, ha-ha-ha. It is you that I murdered for

'and it is you that I will die for.'

Please remember, I love every fucking one of you!

[screaming hysterically]

["Female trouble" by Divine]

Female Trouble

Maybe I'm twisted

Female Trouble

They say I'm a skank

But I don't care

Go ahead put me in your electric chair

I got lots of problems

Female Trouble

Maybe I'm twisted

Female Trouble

Hey spare me your morals

Look out for yourself

What's leading me is paradise

I got lots of problems

Female Trouble

Maybe I'm twisted.. ♪

The Description of Female Trouble