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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: The Late NightCap: Joe Biden’s No Good, Very Bad Iowa Caucus

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-You were an intern when I first met you at UCB Theatre.

-Yes, at UCB.

-And you found a picture you took of me in 2004.

-You just got off your motorcycle.

-I think that I'm, like -- that's like a --

like somebody said, like, "Pretend like your walking!"

"Yeah, we haven't flipped!"

-Aaah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's a little twinge.

-You were a great friend to me and everyone in my family,

save for one member of my family.

-Yep. -The non-person.

-Right. -Frisbee the dog.

-Frisbee the piece of [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

-You sent back the Christmas card...

-Yeah. -...because Frisbee

was on the Christmas card. -Yeah.

-This was what was on the Christmas card.

[ Audience "aww"s ] -See?

-You might as well have sent me anthrax.

Look at this piece of [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

-This new show "Mythic Quest,"

this is about the world of people who basically

build video games. -Can I stop you there

for a second? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-"Mythic Quest: Raven's Banquet" is the title.

-Many apologies. -And here's why.

We wanted to make sure that the title was as ridiculous

as possible. -Yeah.

[ Light laughter ] -Just like

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

-Yeah. -We wanted to make sure

we confused as many people as possible.

-Yeah. -You guys,

things have been crazy.

First of all, I heard that Gwyneth Paltrow is selling

a candle that smells like her vagina.

And I was like...

[ Laughter ]

-I'm an American now too.

-Well, congratulations.

Fortunately, they didn't make you answer

any questions about the caucus. -The caucus, no.

I just don't understand why you don't just do a vote.

-Yeah, that seems like... -It seems odd that you would

be in a gym and you're in your groups and then

if you don't have quite enough people, you just got

to go an join someone else. -Yeah.

-Well, then, well, what does that mean?

Like, what's your vote mean?

[ Cheers and applause ]

-The chaos came after a day of reporters roaming around

high school gyms in Iowa and finding that Biden,

once considered the front-runner, was having trouble

gaining traction.

-There was an entire Biden segment.

Now, it looks to be reduced to just a very small corner here.

-The Joe Biden group, probably not going to be viable.

-This is the Joe Biden section here.

Not too much.

-Look at this group of people caucusing for Biden.

They don't exactly look like they're voting.

They just look like they got knocked out

of a game of Dodgeball. [ Laughter ]

"I'm so bad at dodging."

"Yeah, me, too."

-Honest Abe Lincoln.

You know, a lot of people forget Abe Lincoln.

I wish he were here, I'd give him one hell of an introduction.

-That's right, Trump wishes he could have introduced

Abraham Lincoln at his speech today.

Of course, if Trump did, he would immediately

make it about him and somehow insult Lincoln.

[ As Trump ] Honest Abe.

There he is, Abe Lincoln, everybody.

So honest. Maybe the most honest.

Although, some people say I'm a little more honest, so.

Abe over there, he's laughing.

He's number two, the second-most honest.

I'm number one.

I told you not to go to that theater, Abe.

I told you.

I told you plays were boring, but of course, you're fine,

nothing happened to you, so,

I don't know why the audience groaned,

you're here in this timeline.

[ Laughter ] In this timeline you're fine,

you're 200 years old and you're right there

and you're laughing at me and we're friends.

-I was talking to my mom on the phone,

and I said to her, "my e-mail,

you know, my Yahoo isn't working right

and I'm very frustrated."

And she says to me,

"You know, what did you gynecologist say?"

[ Laughter ] So...

-Your Yahoo's not working.

Hey, you -- -I found that joke

because it really works quite well.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Most of my friends have kids.

I don't know if that's in the cards for me.

I think about children the same way I think about Netflix.

Like, I really, really enjoy them.

Just not enough to get my own subscription.

Is that fair? [ Laughter ]

♪♪

-Give me your lunch money or I'll pound ya.

-We just gave it to you yesterday, Griff.

-Well, I want it again so cough it up.

-You're always picking on everyone,

but you're not so tough, you're just a big jerk.

-No, I'm not.

[ Laughter ]

-What's wrong with you?

-I tried to take steroids

but all they did was shrink my nuggets!

-Congratulations on it finally finding air.

I'm sorry, you know, it's on a weeknight, uh,

and, like, after 1:00 AM, but.

-This is better, truthfully.

-Yeah. -And thank you for giving it

this chance to shine. -[ Laughs ]

-And shine it did.

♪♪

The Description of The Late NightCap: Joe Biden’s No Good, Very Bad Iowa Caucus