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Hi everyone, I'm Patti Harrison.

And welcome to Convers(at)ion Therapy.

With Patti Harrison.

I'm here today with our guest, Peter Smith.

[applause]

Thank you so much for being here.

[Peter] Thanks for having me, Patti.

[Patti] Peter Smith is an amazing performer,

singer, actor, dancer, comedian.

They are non-binary.

And they are an enigma.

And a light.

And also--

[Peter] Oh--

[Patti] What?

[Peter] I was gonna say I'll take it--

[Patti] Don't talk over me.

[Peter] Sorry.

[theme]

You identify as non-binary trans.

[Peter] I do.

[Patti] Right.

So, you think you're cool? You think you're better than

me 'cause I'm a binary trans person?

[Peter] I'm over here.

[Patti] Hit me.

[Peter] I'm over here.

[Patti] What does being non-binary trans mean to you?

[Peter] In terms of my identity, it means you got He and She...

[Patti] Mhm, binary.

[Peter] Those don't work.

[Patti] Yeah. No bueno.

[Peter] Not for my brain.

I've been trying to tell people like,

just don't even use He or She, just maybe

try and use They for everybody for a day.

[Patti] Yeah!

[Peter] Just so you get used to it.

[applause]

[Patti] My favorite thing about being trans

is how many people try to date you in secret.

[audience ooo's]

[Peter] Yeah, that happens a lot.

[Patti] Yeah.

[Peter] Lotta like, secret... Lotta like, Oh, assuming you're into this,

assuming I'm a trans woman...

Don't make these decisions for me, please.

[Patti] Peter, please stop eating that.

That's plastic.

Do you think dating is different for trans people

than it is for cis people?

[Peter] Nah!

Like, "What do you got in your pants?!

You got one of those?"

I had to teach it to a kid the other day.

Which is kinda fun.

[Patti] Did the kid say it like that?

"WHATCHA GOT IN THERE?!"

[Peter] "Do you have a penis or a vagina?"

And I was like, "You're in third grade. And I have not had this conversation

with a lot of people, let alone a third grader."

[Patti] You shouldn't be afraid to ask, just be thoughtful about the way that you ask.

[Peter] Exactly!

If you ask someone like, "How do you wanna be treated?"

They're not gonna be like, "How dare you?"

Well, YOU probably would 'cause sometimes you're a shit.

[Patti] I'm a shit!

[laughs]

I'll mace ya if you ask me a question.

[Peter] You probably would.

[Patti] But I'll mace ya if ya don't!

What are some things that are like,

potential red flags?

If someone was like, "Hey, do you wanna go out to eat?"

And you were like, "Yeah" and then they're like,

"Meet me at my favorite spot."

And they gave you the address, and then you meet them there...

[Peter] Uh huh...

I'm on the edge of my seat.

[Patti] And it's... Circuit City?

[Peter] I would probably like that.

[Patti] I'm gonna throw some pickup lines at you.

[Peter] Okay. Chuck 'em my way.

[Patti] "Hey."

[Peter] Hi.

[Patti] "That is a cool shirt. Mind if I get my jizzy on it?"

[Peter] I've realized that no one has ever attempted a pick up line on me.

I'm always the one asking people out on dates.

And they're always like, "Oh... Sure."

I'm like, okay then you don't.

[Patti] "Sure."

[Peter] "Sure." It's always a "sure."

[Patti] Okay, well then this will be good practice.

[Peter] So this is good practice for me to feel, I don't know...

Something.

[Patti] You're in line at CVS.

To get your allergy medication.

And then the pharmacist is really hot.

And they are like, "Goobi Goobi"

And then a big, giant wad of marshmallows just starts

to come out of their mouth.

It's marshmallow flush.

[Peter] I'd be like, "you're weird."

[Patti] That was like, flirty the way you said it!

[Peter] "You're weird," like, "you're different."

[Patti] You're into it.

What if they started to cry?

[Peter] I would say, "Can I get you a Kleenex from aisle 2?"

Our next segment that we'll do...

[Peter] Mhm...

[Patti] It's a simulated experience, I will be--

[Peter] Simulated, not unsimulated.

[Patti] --method acting...

[Peter] Okay.

[Patti]...as the ideal cis man.

[Peter] Okay.

[Patti] So, um, just pretend at this moment that I am

a gorgeous cis male.

[Peter] Which end?

[Patti] You have to approach me.

"Oh, coffee, oh, I hope the NasDac doesn't tank..."

[Peter] These would all be red flags that we talked about over there.

[Patti laughs]

No, these are not red flags!

This is a hot, horny guy!

[Peter] Okay, you're right, okay.

[Patti] "Ohhhh, yummy! I'm gonna go home a watch my favorite show later."

[Peter] What's your favorite show?

[Patti] "Huh? Oh, my favorite show is Goobi!"

[Peter] Do you...

[Patti] "Aw, this is goin' bad. See ya later, chump."

[Peter] Oh no, my loss!

[Patti] You see what happened there?

You blew it.

[Peter] I did.

I don't know what to talk about with you.

[Patti] If he says- If he says--

[Peter] The producer said you look like Chewbacca and Rachel from Friends.

[Patti] Wha-- That's f*cked up.

[Peter] Well it's honest. [Patti] Who said that???

[Patti] Someone said I look like Chewbacca and Rachel from Friends?

[Peter] Yes.

[Patti] Who said that?

Our producer.

Wow.

"Oh, I'm horny. Let's go to my place and watch Goobi."

[laughs]

"I'm drinkin Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce, babiiii"

[Peter] Yeah. Are you from the south?

[Patti] "What?"

[Peter] You from the South?

[Patti] "Yes, south'a your ass!

I'm outta here!"

[Patti] Okay, ya see what happened there?

[Peter] What? No! I don't see what happend there.

[Patti] You should never ask someone if they're from the south.

Now comes the time that I...

I fix you.

[Peter] Mhm...

[Patti] As a cis scientist, and amazingly mature teen,

I have come up with a treatment that can turn trans

back to perfect.

[Peter] When do we start?

[Patti] We start...

Right now.

Um, I hope you got all the transness,

and anything you wanted to do as a trans--

[Peter] I got it out. I got it out, it's over there.

[Patti] Okay great.

Because after this, your life will be very different.

Any last words?

[Peter] Um...

Peace out, f*ckers.

[Patti] God, guide my hand!

Hang on...

I have to do it--

Okay.

God, guide my hand!

[angelic choir]

[Patti] And how do you feel?

Do you-

[Patti] If I-- [Peter] I've--

[Peter] What are you doin' later?

[Patti] I'm going to Circuit City.

I wanna say a big thank you to our very, very

special guest today, Peter Smith.

They're performing all over New York.

[Peter] And all under New York.

[Patti] And all under New York.

Horny!

If you like this video, like and subscribe.

And tell us in the comments your favorite scene in the latest episode of Goobi!

What's your favorite scene from the latest episode of Goobi?

[Peter] I haven't seen it.

[Patti] That's 'cause it's a fake show I made up.

[Peter] Yes!

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