Hey, you may notice that my hair is a little bit
blonder today than usual--
and a little bit shorter than usual.
And that's cause I had my hair done over the weekend.
And by over the weekend, I mean the entire weekend.
When you have short hair, you have to color it often.
Cause my hair grows really fast.
So I'm constantly coloring it.
So it always looks different when
you watch the show-- some days it's a different tone.
Today it's really different.
Here's what happened--
--started on Thursday-- and it started with the same sentence
that all bad hair stories start with--
I tried a new person.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CLAPPING]
Looking back, there were signs--
some red flags.
Here's a picture of the colorist that I used.
Yeah, he said he was very experienced-- he'd
served a billion people.
All right, so what happens is, for a while,
I was wearing my hair kind of--
I'd use foils and I was highlighting my hair.
Then I decided to just lighten the top
and leave the sides my normal color.
So it was darker on the sides and lighter on top.
Then I decided, I'm going to do the whole head.
Because, that must be faster-- you just put color on it
and it's done.
And no, it's not.
It's called a bleach and tone.
And the old bleach and tone is something that
takes hours and hours to do.
And after it was finished--
two and a half, two forty-five, maybe--
hours-- I looked at it in the mirror and I was like,
this is not good.
And so the person said, well let me try it again,
and they tried it again.
And then we were running out of time and they were like,
it'll rinse out.
Every time you shampoo, it'll get better.
Because, it was basically many colors.
I couldn't even pinpoint what color it was.
It was like orange and pink and purple and--
I had the pride flag on my head.
It was kind of greenish, ashy so you
couldn't tell where my skin stopped and the hair started.
And I'm not going to tell you how much she
tried to charge me, but it was a lot-- it was a whole lot.
And my Groupon only covered half.
And not only was it a weird color,
it was damaged from 2 and 1/2 hours of this processing.
And so my hair was falling out.
Like literally, I would touch my head and hair was falling out.
I think my hair was so embarrassed, it
didn't want anything to do with my head and said,
I'm getting out of here.
So I knew I had to come to the show
this morning to do the show.
And so I had to figure out what to do.
Either I have to get it fixed somehow,
or become that lady who wears hats.
So I was like, Portia, I got to get my hair done
before I go back to work.
And she's like, it's not that bad.
I said, no-- it's horrible.
And she said, it's not.
And then finally I convinced some people
to come to my house to fix it.
I told her, and she goes-- oh thank god, it was horrible.
She just didn't want to make me feel bad.
But she's-- it's bad.
Even the people who showed up at the house were like, oh my god.
So here's the beginning of the process.
This is the first step.
They're gently massaging each hair, apologizing to it.
They're just massaging each hair,
trying to change it's color--
and grooming me like a monkey.
The reason they were doing that is-- my hair was so damaged,
he didn't want to put heat on it.
So we couldn't dry it with a blow dryer.
So they had to rub my hair to warm it--
which was quite a while.
And then this is one of the other steps.
Yep, now this is happening.
Now we're here.
I had to wash my hair three times, I think.
This will be the fourth.
And yeah, I had a costume change, you're correct.
All right, so I don't know if the foil helped my hair
but I got better cell reception.
So here's what happened after they took the foil out.
OK, now we're here.
And we're trying to still get the orange out and then put
some gold in it-- cause it's now Billy Idol color.
But at least we got the orange out-- some of it.
So another costume change.
So they had to stop there because my hair couldn't
Literally, I can't touch it.
I can't wash it.
Like, he said, if you rinse it, just pat it-- just pat it.
Don't do anything, like, at all.
So I'm not allowed to wash it, I'm not allowed--
today, I should be fine if I don't sneeze or blink.