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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Ron Swanson's Will - Parks and Recreation

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-Whoa. I am pretty sure you shouldn't have a weapon at work.

-Literally everything is a weapon, son.

That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow in yours.

-Oh, that's...probably true.

So, Leslie and I just finished putting together our will,

and she wants you to be the witness.

You mind signing it?

-That's your will? You need that many pages to say,

"Give my stuff to my wife"

-It's a complicated legal document.

-It doesn't have to be.

I've had the same will since I was eight years old.

-"Upon my death, all of my belongings

shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me.

What are these weird symbols?

-The man who kills me will know.

-Okay, you should really have a will

that's more than one sentence long.

You have a wife and kids now

I could introduce you to our lawyer.

-The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order

lawyer, congressman, and doctor. Pass.

-Ron, that document is nothing It's not even notarized.

You know, if you die, and you don't have a real will

most of what you own will go to the government.

-Where is this lawyer you speak of?

-All right, just let me do the talking here, okay?

I mean, he's a lawyer, I'm an accountant.

We speak the same language

I mean, obviously, accountants are a little more bad boy,

but, uh, there's a respect there.

-When will this be over? -Hey, Trevor.

I've been talking to Ron about estate planning,

and he is here to do some "Good Will Hunting"..

because he has to draw up a new will, so --

-Yes, I understood, Mr. Wyatt. Thank you.

As I've said before, I just don't like puns.

-Oh, well, my accountant friends seem to enjoy 'em.

-Mr. Swanson, let's begin by filling out this form,

listing your assets and liabilities.

-Nice try. I'm not telling you

how much money I have, where it's hidden,

or which precious metals and/or gemstones

it may or may not take the form of.

-If you don't give me the information I need,

there's nothing I can do. -Oh, come on, Trevor.

Where there's a "Will," there's a way.

-I'm gonna say this one last time, Wyatt.

Check the accountant crap at the door.

-Yes, sir, I will.

Unintentional.

-I don't even need an exact number. Just ballpark it

That's all I need to get started.

-Or I'm sure the state government would love

to use your money to hire more bureaucrats,

maybe build a library.

-Fine! A ballpark figure.

-Thank you. God.

Holy [bleep]

Is this a joke?

-Another word for "jokes" is "lies."

I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.

-Mr. Swanson, an estate of this size means

that your children would never have to work

a day in their lives.

This is going to take some time.

Trusts need to be drawn, tax shelters.

-That's enough.

I do not need some drawn-out legal expedition

to tell me what I knew when I was eight.

Here's my original will.

Do whatever lawyer nonsense you have to to make it official,

and I will sign it. Good day.

-Wait. What are all these symbols

-[ Chuckles ] I was right not to be threatened by you.

-We need to talk.

-That has never been true.

-I think I know what's happening.

Thinking about how to divide up your possession

for when you die, it's tough confronting your own mortality

and I think it's got you spinning a little bit.

Am I right?

-Wow.

I had not considered that.

Yes, I think that maybe you are on to something.

-Yeah. Just know that it's perfectly health

to be thinking about --

Oh, you're joking. -Yes, son, I am.

First joke ever.

Don't care for it.

Death does not scare me.

What I am worried about is spoiling my children.

I don't want 'em to be the kind of people who never work,

live off their trust funds who buy their wooden furniture

I will leave my children $50 apiece

for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner,

end of discussion.

-Okay. I mean, look, it doesn't matter

how much money you leave your kids.

What matters is that you teach them the right values.

But if something horrible happens

and you want your kids to be left alone with no safety net,

just so they can learn some kind of weird lesson,

then, by all means, leave your fortune

to the wild boar who gores you to death.

-I'd never lose to a boar.

Benjamin, after thinking about what you said,

I've decided to leave each of my children 5% of my fortune.

-Wow, 5 whole percent.

So, I guess you are gonna teach them a lesson.

Oh, my God. That's 5%?

That is a lot of money.

Wait, is this a joke?

-It is not a joke.

Not that an accountant would know the difference.

-Also, if something should happen to Diane and me,

we decided that the kids should go

to the most important people in our lives.

-Ron, I'm -- I'm incredibly flattered.

-Ralph Piatkowski and his wife, Helen.

He's the Maitre D' at Mulligan's Steakhouse,

and he knows me better than anyone.

However, if they are not able to do it,

which seems likely, as they're in their 90s,

you and Leslie are choice number two.

-I'm honored.

The Description of Ron Swanson's Will - Parks and Recreation