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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Amy Schumer's Not-So-Romantic Paris Visit

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You were supposed to be here last week and at the last minute, that morning,

you cancelled because you had fever and you were sick.

>> Yeah. >> You were gonna have healers come over.

How'd that work out?

>> I have cupping marks on my butt.

>> Did it work?

>> [LAUGH] >> Yes, it did work.

>> Cupping works?

>> They were really good.

Cupping works.

>> Wow.

>> And I'm not talking about you know, I mean like, with the cups.

>> [LAUGH] >> Yes, I feel a lot better but

it turns out if you work really hard non-stop for 15 years and

don't take a break, it's not like good for your body.

[LAUGH] >> Yes.

>> I didn't know.

>> Your body.

>> I came here before I ever went on the road ever 10 years ago.

>> Yes. >> It was like is it gonna be good and

you're like mm-huh.

And you're telling the truth, it's hard.

>> It's hard.

It's hard to be on the road,

because you're in a different hotel room all the time.

Which is why I said everyone should start coming to me.

>> Just come to you. >> And I got a show.

So they would come to me.

>> This is great.

>> Because touring is harder.

>> She's smart, you're smart.

>> [APPLAUSE] >> I'm stupid.

>> Yeah.

>> That's nice.

You bring everything to you, the seasons.

>> Yeah, everything, these are all gifts.

These are all people that are like sacrifices.

That's a bowl of onions, I think.

>> [LAUGH] >> I don't know that that's good.

>> Yeah, so congratulations.

You're in love, you're happy.

You have a boyfriend since I saw you last.

>> Yes.

>> Thank you.

>> [APPLAUSE] >> Thank you.

He's very lucky.

>> [LAUGH] >> I think it was kind of because of my

appearance on here last time.

He saw my outfit and he was like, I wanna get involved in this.

>> Really?

>> [LAUGH] >> Yeah.

>> Did you have a outfit that was skimpy?

>> I was roller skating in front of Hillary.

>> It was that, that's right.

>> Obviously he was like hm.

Dating app?

Yeah, we met and I think neither of us were really looking for anything.

But we really liked each other right away.

And I liked him so much, I was like I'm gonna make him wait.

And I did.

All through dinner.

>> [LAUGH] >> No, we didn't go to dinner.

>> [LAUGH] >> But he was awesome.

We've been very honest with each other.

I was like upfront I was like look I'm realistic.

I know for a fact that I don't have any diseases left.

>> [LAUGH] >> [LAUGH]

>> [LAUGH]

>> You guys have never been tested,

Ellen's audience?

>> [LAUGH] >> Sorry, I know it's the holidays.

>> [LAUGH] >> But we just had our year anniversary,

that's very cute.

>> [APPLAUSE] >> Yeah.

>> [APPLAUSE] >> Thank you, we need it.

It's still early, we're still, like, lying.

>> [LAUGH] >> Neither of us had ever been

to France because we're both trash.

>> Right. >> [LAUGH]

>> And so, we were like, let's go.

And so we go and

it was like we wanna be romantic.

It's an intimidating city. And then we had one of those hotel rooms

where the bathroom, when you're in it and someone goes like [COUGH],

you hear it loudly in the whole room. You can hear everything.

And we both got violent food poisoning.

Violent.

And so it hits him first.

And he's in there just, blah, blah, blah.

And then the way it manifested itself in me.

>> [LAUGH] >> Is basically I was in there just like.

How do I say this?

Just kind of like [SOUND] machine gun.

[SOUND] And I knew it was over.

I'm yelling at him.

It was so great dating you, I wish you the best luck,

you're gonna meet the greatest girl, but I knew.

>> [LAUGH] >> I knew it was over.

>> [LAUGH] >> [LAUGH]

>> Who can make it through that?

And then I thought, I'm just gonna be the one with that end.

And he's going back in there, he's put his head where I was just [SOUND] and then-

>> [LAUGH]

>> Under a year, we're together.

But then he hears me go!

And I grab the trash, and I had to, so all ends.

>> [LAUGH] >> I was like the fountain on Friends,

you know, basically.

>> [LAUGH] >> And that is when I learned

not to ever throw up in a wicker basket.

>> [LAUGH] >> Happy holidays, guys.

>> [LAUGH] >> That's when you learned.

>> [APPLAUSE] >> [APPLAUSE]

>> My God, my God.

>> We're still together.

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