Top 10 Craziest Bacon Products Of All Time
Some guys try to let a lady know how they feel by presenting her with a bouquet of roses.
It’s a fairly unoriginal, but still quite sweet, gesture of affection. But there must
be a way to take that gift to the next level, right? Of course there is, and it obviously
Introducing bacon roses! It’s exactly what it sounds like: bacon that has been twisted
and manipulated to resemble roses. Who wouldn’t love to receive that gift? Unfortunately,
we haven’t found a florist who actually sells these, but there are instructions on
the web that self-starters with plenty of free time should find pretty easy. Maybe one
of you reading this will be the first to start selling them. Come on, do it. Most new businesses
fail anyways, so what have you got to lose?
It’s a tough world out there, and some of us work hard and get sweaty on the job. Even
those of us who don’t start to stink after long enough. Unfortunately, because of prissy
modern society’s prissy norms, this means we have to bathe every once in awhile. The
quickest way to do this is via the shower using bar soap. There are varying scented
soaps to choose from, and naturally one of them is bacon. While the soap itself isn’t
made of bacon (amateurs), it has the smell of it, and by using it, you too will smell
like bacon. And if that’s what you want to smell like (or more accurately, if that’s
what the hot guys and girls want you to smell like), then go for it.
We do have to complain about the website’s advertising though. One of its claims is that
this soap not only smells like bacon, it looks like it too. Take a look at that picture above.
Now picture fresh strips of bacon frying on the grill. Do the two of them look anything
alike? Nope, didn’t think so. Also, get your hand out of your pants already, it’s
Everyone wants to smell their best, right? But one of God’s greatest practical jokes
was to give us sweat glands that make us smell like garbage if we don’t do anything about
it. And so we have soap, as we just mentioned. Some take it further however, because oftentimes
soap alone doesn’t get the job done. They wear perfume or cologne, a fancy name for
man perfume. Naturally, a company decided a great untapped market for cologne is guys
who want to use it to smell like bacon. Of course, what would a vaguely foreign cologne
(the o in bacon has a line above it, which is both nifty and sophisticated) be without
a little pretension? Apparently, the smell is more spicy maple, with just the slightest
bacon-y hint mixed in. Oh goody, a scented scavenger hunt.
7. Hamburger With 1,050 Pieces Of Bacon
In the past, we’ve dissected the many awful ways bacon is dominating foodstuffs. As it
turns out, there were way more than we imagined. It’s pretty common to put a few pieces of
bacon on a hamburger, right? Yeah, Japan has decided three to five strips of bacon is for
babies, because their Burger King decided to offer customers a special option. Very
special indeed; if you’ve got the right amount of Yen, you can add as much bacon as
you want. Well, someone realized that BK never imposed a limit, and so they ordered a burger
with 1,050 strips of bacon. Added all up, it cost him 7,000 Yen, or about 87 bucks.
Sadly, those pigs died in vain, as the customer tried and failed to eat it. In fact, he didn’t
even come close, as you can see in the video below:
6. Weave Taco
Taco Bell went crazy recently, by coming out with a taco shell that tastes like Doritos.
Muy loco, but also muy profitable, so ultimately muy inteligente. But that’s nothing compared
to what some loyal bacon fan did. If you’ve seen the epicmealtime series on Youtube, then
perhaps you’ve seen the bacon weave technique. Well, someone took that and weaved a taco
shell together, creating a bacon weave taco. It ends up looking like kind of a quilt on
the outside, but it tastes like bacon, as you might expect. Admittedly, this isn’t
really so weird like the other entries, just kinda pointless. Delicious, but pointless.
OK, that’s enough food for now. After you’ve eaten your giant bacon pile burger and washed
it down with your bacon weave taco, you might use a toothpick, brush your teeth, eat a mint,
or a bevy of other things your dentist lectures you about doing every day like he wants you
to develop OCD or something. Luckily for you, there are now bacon-flavored toothpicks, toothpaste,
and mints. Because the very best way to cleanse your mouth of the smell of grease, is to put
more stuff in it that smells like grease. And talk about counter-productive; you’re
not supposed to swallow this stuff, but if you’re this far down the Bacon Trail, you’ll
absolutely want to. Don’t; the hospital will not take pity on you.
4. Lip Balm
Everybody hates chapped lips, right? But most chapsticks are annoyingly tasteless. Who wants
to rub cream on their lips if there isn’t any flavor? Only Nazis, Communists, and Mets
fans, that’s who. Luckily, there is a solution: bacon-flavored lip balm, because of course
it exists. Now, this product can be as dangerous as all the toothcare stuff above, so we’re
warning you now: do not bite your lips. As much as you may be tempted you, don’t do
it. They’re the only lips you got. Instead, we recommend you get some regular old strips
of bacon to chew on while the balm flavor is still there. True, you may have to eat
a lot more bacon than you would otherwise. On the other hand, we’re welcome.
OK, this one isn’t actually made out of bacon. Science hasn’t yet learned the effect
of wrapping a corpse in bacon, because they’re too lazy changing the world and stuff to focus
on what’s truly important. However, if your love of bacon is truly a matter of life and
death, maybe consider being buried in a bacon-themed coffin. Themed coffins are a burgeoning industry,
and bacon seems like a good way to go. Is it as cool as the Star Trek coffin, or maybe
the Kiss Koffin? Well, that depends on where your priorities lie. As the company who sells
it says, this product is only for those who love bacon to death. If that’s you, then
Does the oxygen you breathe taste a little bit too, well, airy? Does it lack flavor?
Well, pork to the rescue again, as you can actually suck bacon-flavored air out of an
oxygen inhaler. That way, you get the life-sustaining goodness of pure oxygen, with a lovely bacon
scent that you could only previously get by actually cooking bacon, which sadly takes
effort. No, it’s far easier, and therefore better, to just breathe in the bacon.
At least you could, until the product went out of stock. Maybe Planet Spaceball bought
up all their inventory. Fret not though, as you can still put your name on the waiting
list, and get some when they make more. There’s no word on when that’ll happen though, so
don’t hold your breath
Well, we’re done. Humanity has peaked. We have reached the ultimate expression of one’s
love for bacon. As it turns out, George Costanza had it right all along: why not combine lovemaking
and love of food?
And so begets bacon lube, which gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “porking.” It’s
so ridiculous that it sounds like an elaborate hoax, or an April Fool’s Joke. Well, that’s
probably because it was, in the beginning at least. A company put up an ad for Bacon
Lube on April 1st as a joke, never intending for it to be a real product. But people emailed
them so many times requesting it, that they began to actually make and sell the product
stuff. We’ll let you draw your own conclusions about what this means for society. We’ll
also let you try it out and let us know whether or not it works. Don’t worry; we trust you.