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Top 10 Craziest Bacon Products Of All Time

10. Roses

Some guys try to let a lady know how they feel by presenting her with a bouquet of roses.

Its a fairly unoriginal, but still quite sweet, gesture of affection. But there must

be a way to take that gift to the next level, right? Of course there is, and it obviously

involves bacon.

Introducing bacon roses! Its exactly what it sounds like: bacon that has been twisted

and manipulated to resemble roses. Who wouldnt love to receive that gift? Unfortunately,

we havent found a florist who actually sells these, but there are instructions on

the web that self-starters with plenty of free time should find pretty easy. Maybe one

of you reading this will be the first to start selling them. Come on, do it. Most new businesses

fail anyways, so what have you got to lose?

9. Soap

Its a tough world out there, and some of us work hard and get sweaty on the job. Even

those of us who dont start to stink after long enough. Unfortunately, because of prissy

modern societys prissy norms, this means we have to bathe every once in awhile. The

quickest way to do this is via the shower using bar soap. There are varying scented

soaps to choose from, and naturally one of them is bacon. While the soap itself isnt

made of bacon (amateurs), it has the smell of it, and by using it, you too will smell

like bacon. And if thats what you want to smell like (or more accurately, if thats

what the hot guys and girls want you to smell like), then go for it.

We do have to complain about the websites advertising though. One of its claims is that

this soap not only smells like bacon, it looks like it too. Take a look at that picture above.

Now picture fresh strips of bacon frying on the grill. Do the two of them look anything

alike? Nope, didnt think so. Also, get your hand out of your pants already, its

just bacon.

8. Cologne

Everyone wants to smell their best, right? But one of Gods greatest practical jokes

was to give us sweat glands that make us smell like garbage if we dont do anything about

it. And so we have soap, as we just mentioned. Some take it further however, because oftentimes

soap alone doesnt get the job done. They wear perfume or cologne, a fancy name for

man perfume. Naturally, a company decided a great untapped market for cologne is guys

who want to use it to smell like bacon. Of course, what would a vaguely foreign cologne

(the o in bacon has a line above it, which is both nifty and sophisticated) be without

a little pretension? Apparently, the smell is more spicy maple, with just the slightest

bacon-y hint mixed in. Oh goody, a scented scavenger hunt.

7. Hamburger With 1,050 Pieces Of Bacon

In the past, weve dissected the many awful ways bacon is dominating foodstuffs. As it

turns out, there were way more than we imagined. Its pretty common to put a few pieces of

bacon on a hamburger, right? Yeah, Japan has decided three to five strips of bacon is for

babies, because their Burger King decided to offer customers a special option. Very

special indeed; if youve got the right amount of Yen, you can add as much bacon as

you want. Well, someone realized that BK never imposed a limit, and so they ordered a burger

with 1,050 strips of bacon. Added all up, it cost him 7,000 Yen, or about 87 bucks.

Sadly, those pigs died in vain, as the customer tried and failed to eat it. In fact, he didnt

even come close, as you can see in the video below:

6. Weave Taco

Taco Bell went crazy recently, by coming out with a taco shell that tastes like Doritos.

Muy loco, but also muy profitable, so ultimately muy inteligente. But thats nothing compared

to what some loyal bacon fan did. If youve seen the epicmealtime series on Youtube, then

perhaps youve seen the bacon weave technique. Well, someone took that and weaved a taco

shell together, creating a bacon weave taco. It ends up looking like kind of a quilt on

the outside, but it tastes like bacon, as you might expect. Admittedly, this isnt

really so weird like the other entries, just kinda pointless. Delicious, but pointless.

5. Toothcare

OK, thats enough food for now. After youve eaten your giant bacon pile burger and washed

it down with your bacon weave taco, you might use a toothpick, brush your teeth, eat a mint,

or a bevy of other things your dentist lectures you about doing every day like he wants you

to develop OCD or something. Luckily for you, there are now bacon-flavored toothpicks, toothpaste,

and mints. Because the very best way to cleanse your mouth of the smell of grease, is to put

more stuff in it that smells like grease. And talk about counter-productive; youre

not supposed to swallow this stuff, but if youre this far down the Bacon Trail, youll

absolutely want to. Dont; the hospital will not take pity on you.

4. Lip Balm

Everybody hates chapped lips, right? But most chapsticks are annoyingly tasteless. Who wants

to rub cream on their lips if there isnt any flavor? Only Nazis, Communists, and Mets

fans, thats who. Luckily, there is a solution: bacon-flavored lip balm, because of course

it exists. Now, this product can be as dangerous as all the toothcare stuff above, so were

warning you now: do not bite your lips. As much as you may be tempted you, dont do

it. Theyre the only lips you got. Instead, we recommend you get some regular old strips

of bacon to chew on while the balm flavor is still there. True, you may have to eat

a lot more bacon than you would otherwise. On the other hand, were welcome.

3. Coffin

OK, this one isnt actually made out of bacon. Science hasnt yet learned the effect

of wrapping a corpse in bacon, because theyre too lazy changing the world and stuff to focus

on whats truly important. However, if your love of bacon is truly a matter of life and

death, maybe consider being buried in a bacon-themed coffin. Themed coffins are a burgeoning industry,

and bacon seems like a good way to go. Is it as cool as the Star Trek coffin, or maybe

the Kiss Koffin? Well, that depends on where your priorities lie. As the company who sells

it says, this product is only for those who love bacon to death. If thats you, then

go crazy.

2. Air

Does the oxygen you breathe taste a little bit too, well, airy? Does it lack flavor?

Well, pork to the rescue again, as you can actually suck bacon-flavored air out of an

oxygen inhaler. That way, you get the life-sustaining goodness of pure oxygen, with a lovely bacon

scent that you could only previously get by actually cooking bacon, which sadly takes

effort. No, its far easier, and therefore better, to just breathe in the bacon.

At least you could, until the product went out of stock. Maybe Planet Spaceball bought

up all their inventory. Fret not though, as you can still put your name on the waiting

list, and get some when they make more. Theres no word on when thatll happen though, so

dont hold your breath

1. Lube

Well, were done. Humanity has peaked. We have reached the ultimate expression of ones

love for bacon. As it turns out, George Costanza had it right all along: why not combine lovemaking

and love of food?

And so begets bacon lube, which gives a whole new meaning to the phraseporking.” Its

so ridiculous that it sounds like an elaborate hoax, or an April Fools Joke. Well, thats

probably because it was, in the beginning at least. A company put up an ad for Bacon

Lube on April 1st as a joke, never intending for it to be a real product. But people emailed

them so many times requesting it, that they began to actually make and sell the product

stuff. Well let you draw your own conclusions about what this means for society. Well

also let you try it out and let us know whether or not it works. Dont worry; we trust you.

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