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>>> CLEVELAND CAVALIERS POWER FORWARD, KEVIN LOVE IS GETTING A

LOT OF PRAISE FOR AN ARTICLE HE RECENTLY WROTE ABOUT MENTAL

HEALTH. HERE WITH HIS TAKE ON LOVE'S

ARTICLE IS PETE DAVIDSON. >> YEAH, THANK YOU.

THANKS, COLIN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL CRAZY PEOPLE WHEN I SAY --

[ SCREAMING ] >> IT WAS GOOD.

IT WAS GOOD. >> IT MADE ME LAUGH EARLIER.

>> HAD A CRAZY FEELING, I LIKE IT.

>> WELL, LAST WEEK, KEVIN LOVE ONE OF THE LEAST HATABLE WHITE

GUYS ON THE PLANET, OPENED UP ABOUT A PANIC ATTACK HE HAD

DURING A BASKETBALL GAME. AND HE SAID IT OPENED HIS EYES

TO HOW NO ONE SHOULD BE TOO PROUD TO TALK TO A MENTAL HEALTH

EXPERT IF THEY NEED IT. THE ARTICLE WAS COMMENDABLE, IT

WAS PRAISED, AND I HATED IT. >> YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT?

>> NO, IT WAS FINE, HE'S A GOOD GUY, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

IT'S TOTALLY COOL HE HAD A PANIC ATTACK, BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO

WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT BEING UNSTABLE, LEAVE IT TO THE BIG

BOYS. ALL RIGHT?

I'M SORRY YOU MISSED YOUR THREE-POINTER, KEV.

BUT I'VE BEEN IN THERAPY SINCE I WAS 6-YEARS-OLD, AND I WANTED TO

KILL MYSELF WHEN I WAS EIGHT. TOUGH NEWS ABOUT YOUR REBOUNDS,

THOUGH. >> I'M SORRY, ARE YOU LIKE

BRAGGING? >> SO WHAT IF I AM?

I LOVE BEING MENTALLY ILL. I'M SO RELIEVED THAT EVERYONE

KNOWS THAT. YOU KNOW?

NOW I DON'T HAVE TO HIDE ANYTHING.

IF I'M OUT SOMEWHERE AND I'M ACTING LIKE A DICK, THEY'RE

LIKE, OH, NO, NO, NO. HE'S, YOU KNOW, HE'S MENTALLY

ILL. AND IF I'M HAPPY, THEY'RE LIKE,

GOOD FOR HIM. BUT NOW, YOU KNOW, KEVIN LOVE

JUST WALTZES IN WITH HIS PANIC ATTACK AND JUST WATERS THE WHOLE

THING DOWN. >> YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO SAY, YOU

SOUND JEALOUS? >> I AM JEALOUS.

KEVIN LOVE IS, LIKE, HANDSOME AND HE'S RICH AND HE'S A

BASKETBALL PLAYER. HIS UNCLE'S A BEACH BOY.

THE WORST ONE BUT IT'S STILL SICK.

HE'S GOT IT ALL. YOU KNOW, LIKE.

HE DOESN'T NEED MY ONE THING. YOU KNOW, LIKE LET ME HAVE THAT.

YOU KNOW? OR AT LEAST TRADE ME UNCLES.

YOUR UNCLE'S OUT THERE TOURING. MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.

WHEN I WAS SIX, MY UNCLE TOOK ME CAMPING AND I CRAPPED MY PANTS

IN THE RAIN. AND THEN I TOLD MY UNCLE WHAT I

DID, HE PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE. AND THEN MY MOM TOLD ME NOT TO

TELL MY DAD BECAUSE MY DAD WOULD KILL HIM.

AND THEN MY DAD DIED A MONTH LATER.

BUT AGAIN, SORRY ABOUT YOUR FREE THROW PERCENTAGE.

IN KEVIN'S DEFENSE, HE IS RIGHT. NO, I GOT TO SAY THAT, SO PEOPLE

DON'T GET MAD. I HAVE TO PRETEND THAT I CARE

ABOUT THIS GUY. NO, IF YOU EVER HAVE A PANIC

ATTACK, YOU SHOULD SEE A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL.

NO MATTER HOW MINIMAL THE EPISODE.

BUT JUST DO ME A FAVOR, LIKE STAY IN YOUR LANE.

I CAN'T STAY IN MY LANE BECAUSE I'M ON A TON OF KLONOPIN RIGHT

NOW. COLIN, ARE MY EYES CROSSED?

>> NO. >> I GOT NO TEETH.

>>> THE MANAGER IN AN I HOP IN MAINE APOLOGIZED AFTER A MANAGER

ASKED A GROUP OF BLACK TEENAGERS TO PAY UP FRONT FOR THEIR MEAL.

MOST PEOPLE THAT EAT AT I HOP PAY FOR IT ABOUT TWO HOURS

LATER. >>> A FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION

HAS ORDERED THE MAKERS OF THE SNUGGIE TO PAY MORE THAN

$7 MILLION IN REFUNDS OVER DECEPTIVE BUY ONE GET ONE FREE

ADS. IT'S A RARE PIECE OF GOOD NEWS

FOR PEOPLE OWN MULTIPLE SNUGGIES.

>>> THE WINNER OF AMERICA'S BEST LICENSE PLATE IS NEW MEXICO'S

CHILLY CAPITAL OF THE WORLD PLATE.

WHILE THE WORST IS NEW JERSEY'S DA FU YOU LOOKING AT.

>>> TODAY IS ST. PATRICK'S DAY, THAT WAS A GREAT TRANSITION.

WHICH MEANS MILLIONS OF TOURISTS HAVE COME TO THE BIG APPLE FOR

THE PARADE AND MAY NEED SOME TIPS ON WHAT TO CHECK OUT.

HERE WITH SOME IDEAS IS OUR "WEEKEND UPDATE" CITY

CORRESPONDENT STEFON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HI. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING

US, STEFON. >> CONNER, PERCY.

IT'S NICE TO BE HERE. >> THANK YOU, STEFON.

SO THE PARADE IS OVER, I BET A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR A

HANGOUT. ARE THERE ANY RECOMMENDATIONS

FOR THEM? >> YES.

IF YOU'RE DRUNK IN MIDTOWN EAST DOING CHEAP COKE OFF YOUR

LAUNDRY CART, I HAVE JUST THE PLACE FOR YOU.

NEW YORK'S HOTTEST CLUB IS GADDUSH.

INSPIRED BY TRUE EVENTS. THIS FORMER CVS WHICH BECAME A

CHASE BANK AND THEN BECAME A CVS AGAIN, FINALLY ANSWERED THE

QUESTION ABOUT THE TROUBLING FEEL.

LIKE WHEN LARRY KING WOULD PLAY HIMSELF IN A MOVIE.

THIS PLACE HAS EVERYTHING. DEATH SETS, KEY FOBS, KALE

CHIPS. ROMAN J. ISRAEL ESQUIRE.

PLUS YOU CAN PLAY EVERYONE'S FAVORITE PARTY GAME, THE

STRANGER. >> WHAT'S THE STRANGER?

>> DO YOU KNOW THAT BILLY JOEL SONG "THE STRANGER?"

>> YEAH. >> WELL, IT'S WHEN YOU SIT ON

BILLY JOEL'S HAND UNTIL IT'S NUMB AND THEN YOU RUB YOURSELF

WITH IT. >> WAIT.

WAIT, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE NUMB?

>> SO YOU CAN PRETEND THAT IT'S BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S HAND.

>> OKAY. >> ALL RIGHT, STEFON, LET'S GET

BACK ON TRACK. I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE IN TOWN

FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY MIGHT BE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING MORE

DIFFERENT. >> YEAH, SOMETHING MORE IRISH

THEMED. >> YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.

>> MOONLIGHT, LA LA LAND. [ LAUGHTER ]

IF YOU'RE IRISH OR JUST WHITE AND VIOLENT, I HAVE THE SAINT

PATTY'S PLACE FOR YOU. NEW YORK'S HOTTEST IRISH CLUB IS

OFF TO CHURCH, MOTHER. LOCATED IN THE CLOGGED HEART OF

THE BRONX AT THE CORNER OF 3,000 STREET AND GARY MARSHALL

MEMORIAL DRIVE. THIS GANG RIDDEN SKATEBOARD PARK

WAS THE CEREMONY SPOT FOR VERN TROYER'S 2004 WEDDING.

THIS PLACE HAS EVERYTHING. PEEPS, TED TALKS, ROMAN J.

ISRAEL ESQUIRE. AND BE SURE HIT TO FLOOR AND

DANCE A JIG WITH IRELAND'S HOTTEST FARRAKHANS.

>> WAIT, LOUIS FARRAKHAN IS AT THIS CLUB?

>> NO, FARRAH KHANS. HELP RAH KAHNS THAT LOOK LIKE

FARAH FAWCETT. BUT ALSO YES, LOUIS FARRAKHAN

WILL BE THERE. >> OKAY.

STEFON, STEFON. >> PLEASE, PLEASE, CALL ME BY

YOUR NAME. >> OKAY, COLIN.

TELL US THAT ONE PLACE THAT ORDINARY TOURISTS MIGHT ENJOY,

PLEASE. >> YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.

IF YOU'RE ORDINARY, AND YOU LOVE SEIZURE INDUCING MALAYSIAN

MUSIC, I HAVE JUST THE PLACE FOR YOU.

NEW YORK'S HOTTEST CLUB IS STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS,

PLEASE. BUILT IN THE UPSIDE DOWN WORLD,

THIS HAUNTED HOSPICE WAS CLOSED WHEN INSPECTORS FOUND A SEXY

FORM OF ASBESTOS THAT COULD CAUSE DISEASE.

>> NOW WHAT DISEASE DO YOU GET FROM SEXY ASBESTOS.

>> ME SO HORNYOMA. [ LAUGHTER ]

>> THIS PLACE HAS EVERYTHING. YOUNG POPES, OLD POPES,

ROMAN J. ISRAEL ESQUIRE. AVOID THE DANCE FLOOR ON

WEDNESDAYS, WHEN A DOZEN HOT DACHSHUNDS AND CORGI'S GET IN

FREE. THEY CALL IT LONG AND LOW NIGHT.

I DON'T TRUST ANY DOG WHOSE STOMACH TOUCHES THE GROUND.

PLUS, YOU CAN PARTY IN THE VIP ROOM, WITH A GROUP OF HUMAN

SQUATTY POTTIES. >> WHAT IS A HUMAN SQUATTY

POTTY? >> IT'S THAT THING THAT -- YOU

KNOW WHAT, IT'S A NEW ERA, AND I DON'T WANT TO SAY A WORD THAT

MAY BE INSENSITIVE. MAY I CONSULT MY LAWYER QUICKLY?

>> SURE. >> GREAT HE'S AN ATTORNEY AND A

CONCEPT TULLE ARTIST NAMED SHY. SHY?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HI.

HI, SHY. >> HELLO, GENTLEMAN, HOW ARE

YOU? >> SHY, FOR PEOPLE -- DO PEOPLE

STILL USE THIS WORD? THANK YOU, SHY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HUMAN SQUATTY POTTIES, IT'S

THAT THING OF WHEN YOU SIT ON THE TOILET AND TO HAVE GOOD

POSTURE, TWO LITTLE PEOPLE CROUCH ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR AND

YOU PUT YOUR FEET ON THEIR HEADS.

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT. >> I'M REALLY GLAD YOU MADE SURE

TO MAKE THAT SOUND MORE SENSITIVE.

>> ON THAT NOTE, LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT POLITICAL

CORRECTNESS. >> WAIT?

ISN'T "A CLOSER LOOK" SETH'S THING THAT HE DOES?

>> OH, SETH AND I ARE VERSATILE. SOME NIGHTS I DO IT AND HE'S

UNDER THE DESK. >> STEFON EVERYONE.

>> JILL STEIN, 2020. >> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M

MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST, GOOD NIGH

The Description of Weekend Update on IHOP's Apology - SNL