Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Joueur du grenier - Les Schtroumpfs - Megadrive

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(Seb) Hey!

(Seb) On that James Bond game, haven't you made a mistake about those chests?

(Fred) No. Look:

6 chests times 25 minutes equal 78...

...plus 3 equals 92, divided by 10 equals 25...

25 plus 9 minus 10...

...36 possibilities!

My math is correct! I'm right!

[Opening]

(Fred) You don't get it. I was forced, I had no choice.

If I didn't do it, it would have gone on, and on...

It's-- If only you saw them, with their dumb smile...

It's-- It's-- *sigh*

Oh, I'm gonna start again from the beginning...

It all started last week--

(Therapist) What's happening? I've got blurred vision...

(Fred) No, that's a flashback, don't worry.

So, I said, It all started last week when I...

Let's set the record straight: the game--

(Therapist) So, you were on your sofa, is it right?--

(Fred) Oh! It's MY flashback! Can you allow me to speak, please?!

So, I said, let's set the record straight: the game I'll test today

is not really a bad game.

It's not a bad game in the sense usually heard,

it's actually a rather good game,

but it's so hard, so very hard,

that even "Tintin au Tibet" (Tintin in the Tibet) seems easier.

I mean, seriously, even Chuck Norris can't finish this game!

By the way, Infogrames developed this game,

the company that held rights on games adapted from comic books

like Tintin, Astérix, Marsupilami, Spirou, Lucky Luke, etc.

These games were beautiful, very close to the comics they originated from

but they were also so hard that they were more a mental punishment than real fun.

"The Smurfs", released on 1994 on several systems.Here, i'll be testing the Mega Drive / Genesis version.

We play Lovelorn Smurf,

'cause even his own friends want to kill him,

and we have to go on a mission to find Smurfette.

Level 1 is quite easy,

you just have to avoid water thrown out of windows

because water kills you!

Smurfs are fat hogs...

And you also have to avoid Assassin Smurf

who regulary falls from the sky to kill you.

I find this actually funny:

They send you out in mission to save friends

and instead of being cheered by the whole village and being said 'good luck',

no! You're assaulted by all your friends until getting out of the village !

You f**king unthankful !

(Smurf) "Get out, you blue-face!"

(Smurf) "Hope you'll die, you son of a--"

(Fred) One of the game's objectives is to collect leaves.

I dunno... is he the village's dealer?

Anyway, I guess that--

Hey!

Heeey!

Why can't I get out?

Hey, what's that trap?! There's no way to get out!!

Even with the "Turbo" button that's supposed to make you jump higher,

I can't !

I'm trapped !

Completely trapped !

Seriously, how am I supposed to--

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

That's fine.

Let me rephrase it:

The entrance is HERE,

the exit is THERE.

How are you supposed to guess that the way to get out is to go through what seems to be... the decor?

There's no clue,

no sign, no different texture, (Sign: "OVER HERE")

no, no! There's nothing! It's "f**king manage yourself!"

And see? This is why this game is hard:

this game is vicious !

Here,

later, that famous tree to climb,

-- those of you who owned the game may remember it --

It seems piece of cake but, hell of shit...

those apples...

Those apples that fall with no way to see them before they do...

And when it's not apples,

it's leaves. But I've been walking

on leaves for hours

so why would I be careful with them?!

And look at that:

I avoid the apple, I go forward to get an item,

I turn back,

I get out

and BAM!

The apple already grew!

F**king GMO!

(Fred) ...And the worst is it was only the beggining of--

Hey, are you listening?

(Therapist) Er, n-no, no.

I mean, y-yes! Go on!

(Fred) So, I said, after this, I went...

Nevertheless, I have to say that this is beautiful,

the comics look is well made

and all the characters from the comic book are in the game.

And yet, there are a few inconsistencies:

For example, you can kill everything:

flies,

mosquitoes,

rabbits,

birds,

even Black Smurfs!

However,

butterflies? No way!

What a racist game...!

In fact, the problem of this game is-- *sigh*

That's EXACTLY what I was going to say:

There are so many lethal traps you must fall into to notice them

and to avoid them at the next try.

But lost lives don't reappear!

It's depraved, vicious, insane!

I wonder who are those crazy people who created this game!

(Staff) Boss, I wanted to--

(Boss) *whip* Hmm, Marsupilami...

(Staff) Th-th-the result of...

(Boss) *whip* Haaan, Tintin in the Tibet!

(Staff) I-I'll come back later!

(Fred) Oh, bonus stage. that's cool. It'll change a little...

So, I--

Okay?!

Thanks, asshole!!

I can't believe it...!

I'm playing the MegaDrive / Genesis version,

I wanted to quickly talk about the soundtrack,

which is quite good of a MegaDrive / Genesis,

but I have a thing for the soundtrack on the SNES version,

especially on the bonus stage. Here it is:

(Smurf) Yeah man! Rasta Smurf's in the house!

Generally, it's a good old-school game.

It's that good ol' platform game we can't find anymore!

But it's...

...it's so hard that sometimes it's even crazy as hell...

In some levels, you even wonder how they managed to be as--

F*CK!! THAT LIGHTNING!!

There's no way it struck right here by accident!

It's calculated so that if you move at that speed,

at that moment,

it will ALWAYS strike right in your face!

Those jackals put the lightning right over that item:

that way, like a dumb, you see a bonus,

you go and take it and BOOM! Eat this!

And when it's not lightnings, it's those ghosts...

When they pop up, you can't turn around,

and BOOM!

And th-th-that f-f-f**king Smurf can't get down to avoid them!

So you try again over, and over, and over, and over!

Okay, it's almost the end.

It's almost the end. The GHOS-- oh f**k.

No, get outta here! Don't stay here!

Oh sh*t, it trapped me!

It trapped, I can't move--, oh, I can, actually.

It's ov-- NO! *sob*

*sob*

And that dumb's still smiling after dying for the 10th time!

Share my misfortune, you idiot!

[Scene from Full Metal Jacket] (Hartman) I'm gonna give you three seconds;

exactly three-f**king-seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face

or I will gouge out your eyeballs

and skull-f**k you!

(Fred) I wonder what percentage

of people were patient enough to go as far as this in the game

when they were young 'cause I wouldn't,

that's for sure.

Level 9, here's the Cave.

HUH?!

Am I dreaming or is this the village here in the corner?

Wait, there's 15 meters between the village and the cave!

Why did you make a 200 kilometre-long detour, you tourist?!

(Papa Smurf) I asked you to save Smurfette three months ago, it's five minutes on foot from here!

Are you f**king kidding me?!

Aand, the last levels...

The closer we get to Gargamel's house, the harder it is.

I won't talk about all levels

but it's clear you can get a lot of bang for your buck!

Here, there's the level with lava, in the volcano,

where everything is set to the nearest second:

a single mistake, you are kekab-ed, you're done.

Actually, when you're close to the end,

levels requires calm and skill,

but your nerves are completely shot

and you're doing whatever...

This level is infernal:

there's a trunk that spins again and again,

if your jumps are not perfectly timed

you fall, and you're dead.

One,

two,

three,

FOUR!

Got it.

One,

two,

three,

FOUR!

Jump!

Name me another game that forces you to do this.

Oh boy...

The level with thorns. Easy but stressful...

AAAH!

AAAAGGH!!

The end is-- OH! I hate you...!

A beam in your face at the mine train line,

you die.

A downhill run, a rock in your mouth and a yeti in your ass, you die.

The mountain, you die, you die, you die, you die!

And when you're at Gargamel's house,

this is the best-of!

It's like a combination of all the vicious things of the game!

For starters, Azraël keeps meowing, just thinking about it makes me want to...

*Meeeowww?!*

When you jump, 9 times out of 10,

you land on a carnivorous plant

that "just happened" to be there

and you can't see it before jumping on it...

Aaand, whoo-psidaisy...

Flasks that have toxic vapour

which have the SAME color as the background...

Flies that kill you when they couldn't be seen

two tenths of a second before...!

And if, by some miracle...

-- and I mean it, by some MIRACLE ! --

you're part of the 0.6% of people

who have been patient enough to go so far in the game,

if you can get past all of this,

Gargamel is incredibly hard, it's so hard...

You have to make the bird drop its acorn

so that you can throw it to Gargamel but that's not enough:

you must take two acorns per roundtrip!

And this is hard as hell...

I'VE FINISHED THE SMURFS!

I'VE FINISHED THE SMURFS!!

YEEEAAAH!!

Finally, all that suffering

for that moment: freeing Smurfette,

the only female of the village who's gonna give a little Smurf to thank us!

Right?

Come on!

No?

I deserved a little Smurf! Come on!

(Seb) Err, what are you talking 'bout?

(Fred) A lil' peck! Look!

What were ya thinking about?

(Fred) And there you have it, sir. Since I've finished that game,

I'm completely traumatized, I'm seeing Smurfs everywhere...

*sigh* What do you think?

(Therapist) Hmm... Actually, you should CRUSH your fears...

and bring them to DESTROY

your emotional cocoon...

in order to ANNIHILATE your deep, negative feelings.

That's it.

(Fred) Thank you, sir. Now, I know what I should do!

*war music*

(So you try again, over, and over,

and over, and over!)

*war music*

(AAAH!)

*war music*

(AAAAGGH!!)

*war music*

*festive music*

*festive music*

*war music*

(It's depraved, vicious, insa!)

(Aand BOOM!)

(You die, you die, you die, you die!)

*war music*

(Papa Smurf) All Smurfs! Go take cover!

(Smuef) Take Cover !

(Fred) MWAHAHAAAA!! YEEEAAH!!

YAAAHOOOOOOOO!!

The Description of Joueur du grenier - Les Schtroumpfs - Megadrive