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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Doesn’t Get Any Better than Rodney Dangerfield & Johnny Carson (1981)

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(applause)

- What a crowd, what a crowd, I'll tell ya that boy.

Now, I'll tell ya, I'm alright now, but last week,

I was in rough shape, ya'know?

(laughter)

Yeah, last week I bought a used car,

I found my wife's dress in the back seat.

(laughter)

I mean, my wife is always something.

Our anniversary, I took her to dinner, I made a toast,

to the best woman a man ever had.

The waiter joined me.

(laughter and applause)

Tell ya, at restaurants, I'm never lucky.

I met my wife in a restaurant.

She told the waiter she wanted something simple,

he brought me over.

(laughter)

I tell ya, with my wife I can't relax.

She can't cook, the worst cook in the world.

In my house, you pray after we eat.

(laughter)

What a lousy cook.

I don't think meatloaf should glow in the dark.

(laughter and applause)

Naw, I mean it. She can't cook at all.

My backyard, the flies chipped in to fix the screen door.

(laughter and applause)

For cryin' out loud.

It's not easy, not easy.

With my wife, I got no sex life either.

(audience aww)

At my house, you put the mirror over the dog's bed.

(laughter and applause)

(whislte)

My wife. The other night she told me

she wants to try something wild.

She tied me to the bed.

Then she put her clothes on and went out.

(roar of laughter)

For crying out loud.

I mean it, that's the story of my life.

No respect, I don't get no respect at all.

(applause, whistling)

It's not easy, I don't get no respect at all.

Are you kidding.

I got hit by a car. I told the guy, "Are you blind?"

He said, "I hit ya, didn't I?"

(laughter)

(applause)

I mean it, it was the same thing when I was a kid.

No respect. My old man told me Mickey Mouse died

in a cancer experiment.

(laughter)

When I was a kid, I had nothing. I was poor.

I never had an X-ray.

The doctor held me up to the light.

(laughter)

When I was a kid, I was ugly too.

For Halloween, I had to Trick-or-Treat over the phone.

(laughter)

Man, I was ugly. For Halloween, we never had a pumpkin,

they made me stand in the window.

(laughter)

What a childhood I had. My mother never breastfed me.

She always had a headache.

(laughter)

Yeah, my old man, he didn't like my looks either.

He carried around a picture of the kid

that came with the wallet.

(laughter)

My old man. My old man he made me

sleep in the kitchen naked to get rid of the roaches.

(laughter)

I was ugly. When I was a kid, I never got any girls either.

One girl told, "Come on over, there's nobody home."

I went over, there was nobody home.

(jazz band outro music)

(laughter and applause)

- You're beautiful people, I'll tell ya that.

Nice crowd here, what a crowd. Beautiful, I'll tell ya.

Oh, I'll tell ya Johnny-

Oh, I'll tell ya Johnny,

I haven't been so popular since I owed money.

I'm proud alright.

- You came through the curtain tonight like

You just kind of-

like you were in the wrong place for a minute.

- No, I just had to find where to stand,

everything else looked confused perhaps.

- I haven't seen you since the new year, how are you?"

Fine, fine, keeping busy, keeping busy. Working around,

I opened Thursday, February 5 for two days, for two weeks

in Las Vegas at the Aladdin Hotel,

I'll be there for a couple of weeks.

It's a nice hotel, they've got a great buffet over there.

(laughter)

And I'm an old buffet buff, you know that.

I like to kick it at the buffet, I like to watch the guy

who cuts the roast beef. I don't know how he does it y'know?

Out of a pound of roast beef, he gets 4,000 slices.

(laughter)

(sigh)

I'm keeping buys, Johnny. I'm happy about certain things.

I've got a boy in college now.

- Do you really?

- Now I get decent drugs. Oh yeah.

(laughter and applause)

Oh, kids are wild today, Johnny, all they want is sex.

Sex, that's all they want.

(whistles and catcalls)

My daughter flunked her driver's test.

She couldn't get used to the front seat.

(laughter)

- Kids are wild now.

- Kids they play around so young today, very young,

they've got birth control pills shaped like Fred Flinstone.

- They start so early.

- Very early. When I was a kid, I never had any sex.

I'm not sexy, I know I'm not sexy, you kidding?

This morning when I put on my underwear,

I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.

(laughter)

I'm not sexy at all. I went to the sperm bank

to use my sperm to get a woman pregnant.

I had to get her drunk first.

(laughter)

I'll tell ya.

- [Carson] Even at the sperm bank?

That's right, I'll tell ya, it's rough. It's not easy.

All I get is fat girls. You kidding?

Took out one girl, woo was she fat.

(audience shouting)

She was fat, how fat? Her bathtub has stretchmarks.

(laughter)

I mean a fat chick, you kidding?

When she was standing alone, a cop told her to break it up.

(applause and laughter)

- That's a big girl.

- I'm talking about a fat girl here.

Her belly-button has an echo.

- [Carson] I didn't know that.

(laughter)

- Woo was she ugly.

- [Audience] How ugly?

- How ugly? I took her to a dog show,

she won, okay?

(laughter)

An ugly chick, you kidding?

I mean, they use her at prisons to cure sex offenders.

(laughter)

And that's how ugly she was.

(laughter)

Oh, if I had the right trio I could make it.

- Yeah.

(laughter)

- The boys in the band, alright?

Did you smoke that thing I gave you before?

(laughter)

I don't know, it's rough. Let's talk about health.

- [Carson] How is your health?

- I'm not a kid, Johnny, I'm getting older. You kidding?

I took a vacation, went to Mexico. I got the Walks.

(laughter)

Getting old. Old, Johnny.

I told my wife, I want to die in bed. She said, "Again?"

(laughter)

I got no sex life, the only sex I have is when

my doctor tells me to cough.

(laughter)

And I got a strange doctor, you know that.

- Same doctor you've always had?

- You know my doctor, Doctor Vinnie Boombatz.

(applause and laughter)

Very strange doctor, you kidding?

I told him, "I think my wife has VD."

He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

(laughter)

But he's a friend.You've gotta have friends.

- [Carson] You betcha.

- You know, you've got very nice friends, Johnny-

- [Carson] Important to have friends.

- I met some of your friends in Las Vegas,

Stan Irwin, nice guy. I met your lawyer too,

Bombastic Bushkin, he's a nice guy, smart guy.

I got a good lawyer too, you know.

- [Carson] Yeah

- Oh, very good lawyer. Actually I met him through

Doctor Boombatz, his nephew, Nicky Pumpaniece.

(laughter)

Very good lawyer

- [Carson] Sharp man?

- He did, Johnny,

he had a rape charge reduced to tailgating.

(laughter)

- Clever, clever.

- Well, what d'you want to do now?

(laughter)

- That wraps it up, huh?

- It's not easy. I wish I was home in slippers, relaxing,

creating hatred in the family.

(laughter)

Y'know, you pick a topic.

(laughter)

- You're a funny man.

- [Dangerfield- Thank you very Much.

(applause)

The Description of Doesn’t Get Any Better than Rodney Dangerfield & Johnny Carson (1981)