HEAVY: AH! HEEEELP!
DEMO: YOU'RE ALL BLOODY DEAD!
HEAVY: HEEELP NOW!
SOLDIER: Go go go!
HEAVY: OOOHH NOOOOO!!
HEAVY: HELP ME!
HEAVY: Thank you!
PYRO: Thank you.
PYRO: OOOOH NOOO
That was a recreation of a competitive Pyro clip that shows how I like to play the class
I start out by killing this enemy Spy because
GOD DANG if it ain't my darn-diddly-duty to do it
But then things get a little interesting.
See, I like to play pyro as a kind of support class
So when I see that my BIG, BRAVE HEAVY is up on the point and taking damage?!
I spring into action.
After getting these two kills, I reflect this demoman's grenade right back at him,
force this scout to 1v1 me,
but then see that i'm at 28 health and fire damage isn't gonna cut it!
So I risk it all on hitting a clean shotgun-hit and BOOM hit it just in time!
But then my Heavy dicks around on point and DIES just to give me a sandwich!
Why Heavy?! I did all of that for you!
See, Pyro is one hell of a bodyguard!
His guaranteed fire damage and ability to airblast away both projectiles AND people
Make him perfect at protecting a zone that I like to call:
DON'T TOUCH MY BABY!
So when I see one of my teammates taking damage, I feel responsible!
It's almost like some kind of...
maternal instinct takes over...
Part 1 of "How it feels to play Pyro:"
Protecting your teammates.
Or... in other words...
DON'T WORRY BABY, MOMMA'S COMIN!
(Baby Heavy crying)
I'm here now, sweetie, mama won't let them hurt ya!
YOU GET AWAY FROM MY SON! No, shoo! Get out of here!
That's right, sweetheart. You just enjoy your sandwich okay?
OH MY GOODNESS STOP SHOOTING MY CHILD!
And don't you DARE point those rockets at him!
OOOOH my ACHING BACK!
Yes, okay, look, sometimes I feel like I'm playing mama to a bunch of babies
But I don't say that to be mean, I say it because a piece of my soul DIES when
"Daniel2015933" walks right into a bunch of stickies that I failed to airblast away.
Demo: Don't fret boyo!
"NOOOO I COULDN'T SAVE THE BOY!"
Each one of my teammates lives are precious, and I /will/ protect them.
Don't worry, Medic, you're safe with me!
SWEET JUMPIN JEHOSAPHAT YOU'VE DOOMED BOTH OF US!
Ohhh that was too close!
BE MORE CAREFUL NEXT TIME!
Oh I can't stay mad at you!
Medics do SO much to keep your team alive,
It's only right that you return the favor.
Although I have to admit, my good intentions are somewhat corruptible...
ANGEL: You're doing great, Pyro! Keep on using that airblast to save your medic!
ANGEL: By protecting him, you're making sure that the rest of your team gets healed!
ANGEL: There is no cause more righteous than yours!
Hey, thanks, you're right!
DEVIL: IF YOU BURN YOUR ENEMIES TO ASHES, THEY CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT HURTING YOUR MEDIC
Golly gee I never thought of it that way!
I'll be right back!
ANGEL: NO YOU DUMBSHIT COME BACK HERE!
Ha ha ha!
(maniacal, evil laughter)
I LOVE PROTECTING MY MEDIC!
PYRO WHAT ZE FAAAK?!
Okay, okay, look: can we all collectively give the Pyro mains a bit of a break?
Sometimes you just see a good opportunity to hold both W and M1 at the same, alright?
And the great thing about these opportunities is that you can't even mess them up!
Fire damage is so guaranteed that even with his entire team backing him up,
This sniper that was owning my team can't get out alive.
DEMO: SNIPER! Sorry...
Ha ha ha...
YOU CANNOT STOP ME! MY SKILL IS LIMITLESS!!!
Buuut, not EVERY problem can be solved with fire...
Computer voice: Identifying
Computer voice: Team Fortress 2 "D.I.R.E.C.T. H.I.T."
Diabolical Instant Rocket Ejector Carries Teammates by Harming Irritating Turrets
OH NO, I have to warn my engineer!
The enemy soldier is using the direct hit
That thing can kill your sentry gun in only two rockets!!
We have to work together to protect your sentry gun!
(both screaming, intense metal music)
That's right engineer, I'm here to help you!
You do your best and I'll take care of this soldier.
Taaake that! And that! You better run.
I don't think he'll be coming back anytime soon-
oh god he's back.
How many times are you gonna-
...I was TRYING to protecc...
...but now I ATTAAAACC!!!!!
NO! SOLDIER! HELP!
That's right. I attacc, I protecc, but most importantly...
(screams of the damned)
Part 2: Reflecting Enemy Projectiles
Or... in other words...
BABY SOLDIER: Yaaaay! Rocket house!
BABY DEMO: (muffled baby talk)
HOLY F***ING SH** YOU KIDS!!!
THOSE AREN'T TOYS, THEY'RE EXPLOSIVE ARMANENTS!!!
Someone's got to teach these kids that it's not okay to play with these things!
No! stop it!
You have to understand that I'm simply concerned for your well-being!
Oh, no, you too?
My god, don't you realize that this isn't safe at all?!
SOLDIER: I give up! You wiiin!
Now you may think my teaching methods are a bit cruel
I'm in the same spot against the same Soldier,
and he comes around the corner with his shotgun!
I'm so proud of him. He learned!
But some Soldiers NEVER learn...
In this clip, I reflect one rocket, I reflect TWO rockets
I reflect THREE rockets and even hit him!
I reflect FOUR rockets, there's no way he would even THINK of shooting another
But the one thing you HAVE to remember
is to not shoot at the enemy Pyro when your TEAMMATES are around!
BABY DEMO: Agh...
Demoman you weren't careful with your bouncy balls,
and look what happened!
Your friend got hurt!
Have you learned your lesson?
BABY DEMO: OOOH I've really hit rock bottom...
(muffled Demoman screaming)
(Pyro scolding Demoman)
DEMO: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?!
DEMO: YOU'RE A DEVIL!
DEMO: A DEVIL!!!
I'M GOING TO STRANGLE YOU!
Nooo, you aren't...
I'M GONNA BEAT YOU SO HARD YOU'LL HAVE A TWITCH!
Nooo, you won't...
GO TO HELL!
I'm gonna leave now...
It is at this juncture that I must reveal my bias:
airblast is by FAR my favorite part of playing Pyro!
I love the challenge of having to "switch my brain"
to the mindset of a Demoman or Soldier
to be able to hit clutch reflects!
But it's not just about the reflects, airblast can completely stop an enemy push!
Off the clip with all of ya, off I say!
This is now Pyro's Perch!
(Dramatic Zelda Music)
Look, I just LOVE airblast, and it would take a LOT for me to give it up,
something INSANELY powerful, something...
Build 'Mmmph' by dealing damage?
Alt-fire on full 'Mmmph' to gain CRITICAL HITS for SEVERAL SECONDS??
INVULNERABLE WHILE 'Mmmph' TAUNTING?
Guaranteed critical hits on pyro is insane! What could the drawback to this be?
Less damage? Decreased range?
ANGEL: I'm so proud of you!
I DIDN'T DO IT FOR YOU!
Listen, okay, yes, using the phlog is /really/ fun
But do you have any idea how many problems airblast solves for the Pyro?
Have you ever tried taking care of a sentry gun with just fire?
Let me save you the trouble:
IT DOESN'T WORK!
WHY DOESN'T THIS WOOOORK?
But with airblast, you can take advantage of the predictable rockets that level 3 sentries shoot!
You are a stupid sentry!
(YOU'RE. A. MOR.ON.)
ENGIE: I'm gonna lay you out!
Airblast gives you a fighting chance against soldiers that are just outside your range!
SOLDIER: Do. NOT. DO IT!
SOLDIER: oh no.
Airblast can save you from a Heavy that's right in your face!
HEAVY: HAH! You are dead.
HEAVY: WHAT? AAAH shit.
Airblast can save the entire game...
This was a dark day indeed...
We had 15 seconds left to capture the point, but oh no!
Our Demoman, blown to pieces!
Our medic panics and uses Uber, but we're so far from the objective!
Our Heavy tries to make use of it
But doesn't make it in time, perishing horribly!!!
STOOOP, STOP! He's already dead...
All hope is lost as we throw ourselves at the cart one by one....
Our Medic dies tragically, our Soldier dies to push the cart a few inches...
I have the chance to win the game with airblast right here, right now, but...
I'VE RUN OUT OF AMMO!
I let my whole team down, and there the cart sat, an INCH away from success...
But wait- a hero perhaps?
A Sniper and his trusty SMG make a stand!
Who am I kidding, he can't do SHIT
Our Demoman jumps back in,
and he kills THEIR Demoman!
Their Pyro is playing air guitar for God's sake!
Surely their hubris will be their downfall!
Our Demoman falls,
But our Scout and Medic make it just in time!
Our Medic dies again and-
DEAR GOD, NO, THEY HAVE UBERCHARGE!
Save yourself scout, it's not worth it!
Go! Run away Soldier! Live a life of meaning and purpose!
Don't throw it away here!!!
NOOOOO you BRAVE BASTARD!
NOOOO you STUPID bastard!!!
What a waste of good men...
(BLU Pyro and Spy scream)
(BLU team celebrates in voice comms)
TEAMMATE: Why did that work?
But most importantly... is a Spy about to backstab your teammate?
You know what to do...
SPY: What?! NOOOOO!!!!
(floaty classical music)
SPY: YOU FOOL!
Part 3: Dealing with Spies...
Or, in other words...
WAIT a minute, this isn't my kid!!!
You know, I like to think I'm a trusting person,
But when a teammate looks at me and then runs AWAY???
I start to wonder if they're not really on my team...
(screaming and panic)
...wonder if they're not really on my team...
Oh, yeah, I don't see you there. No, no, you're good, I lost track of ya!
Hey guys, did you see a spy around here?
I swear I saw a spy around...
I'LL KILL YOU!
YOU THINK I DON'T SEE YOU? I SEE YOU!
WE ALL SEE YOU!
SPY: Pyro, stop that!
Oh f***, I can't believe you've done this!
If you want to, you can make life impossible for the enemy spies,
Randomly puffing fire to catch them crossing your path,
or even going out of your way to sweep the place clean.
SPY: Come back later, please
SPY: Go away!!!
You can be so oppressive that the enemy spy has to DRASTICALLY lower their standards
for when to make a play
SPY: Ohhhhh, perfect.
SPY: This is my moment!
(Pyro laughs maniacally)
SPY: WHAT?! I must be dreaming!
Now SOME Spies will try to brute force their way in with the Dead Ringer,
an invisibility watch that fakes your death and provides a speed boost.
Buuuuut I have the solution to that one too...
TEAMMATE: "Spy Engie"
GOOD LUCK FAKING THAT DEATH!
But I don't always want to be looking for spies!
I wanna spread my wings and fly!
I wanna set up an ambush RIGHT OUTSIDE the enemy spawn!
I wanna play the PYRO CLASS!
Uhh g-guys? There's a spy behind you?
He's kill-KILLING YOU ALL
Oh God, this feels like it's my fault
Yeah, look, sometimes you really just gotta sit around and watch for spies...
It's, uh... honest work, I guess,
but GOD, I just wish something would happen!
Wait, what there's a spy in this corner???
The chase is on, I feel alive!!!
Alright well, that's over!
Time to do my best impression of a statue.
There's no sugar coating it,
Spy-checking can get a little boring...
But you have to remember, it's all in the interest of keeping your precious teammates alive!
And if you ask me, that's all the reward I need...
DEVIL: HEY, HEY! REMEMBER ME?
DEVIL: I have a new idea for how to protect our teammates!
DEVIL: And I PROMISE it's not the same thing as last time!
Oh, yeah? I'm listening!
part 4: kill everyone
I don't know about this, are you sure this is going to keep my team safe?
DEVIL: Don't worry, it will, now
DEVIL: SHUT UP and go spawn camp!
Here I come everybody-
OH MY GOD THEY'RE ALL DEAD!
Like melted butter!
I mean, I GUESS this is keeping my team safe...
but is this okay in the eyes of the Lord?!
DEVIL: WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING?!
DEVIL: YOU JUST SOLD YOUR SOUL, KID!
What?! No! But my intentions were pure!
I only wanted my teammates to be safe!
DEVIL: Yeah, and look where that got you!
DEVIL: You're evil now, kid, face it!
Just one more time, and that's it!
DEVIL: Uh-huh, alright kid...
No, I'm serious!
This isn't me!
This isn't me...
HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!
DEVIL: That's the spirit kid, now you're feelin' it!
Sorry boys, this door's closed, just like the door of heaven is closed to me!
No, I don't wanna be a monster!
I wanna be good again!
I WAS TEMPTED LORD!
GOD?: You get one more chance.
Thank you, I won't waste it!
MEDIC: Alright, uh...
MEDIC: Vhy does GOD look like HEAVY?!?!
Listen everybody, don't be tempted like I was!
The phlog may grant you fleeting pleasures,
But it leaves you completely vulnerable on the approach!
Without airblast, the only team that you're gonna be crushing
is a team that you were crushing anyway.
Like, sure, you'll get some big kills here and there with the phlog,
But I prefer how it feels to change the entire course of the game by reflecting away
TWO rockets that were aimed at my Kritzkrieging Medic,
YEET the Soldier to his death
and then turn around an airblast this Uber'd Demoman
so hard out of position that he has to jump away further into his own death!
DEMO: Aw man! This really be a bruh moment.
DEMO: Agh! Oh- *dies*
But look, you can W+M1 here and there,
and I can't stop you from setting the world on fire
But just do me a favor, and don't forget about airblast, alright?
(Demoman screams and I laugh at him)
DEMO: Screw you! I'm gonna go play Minecraft!
SOLDIER: Noooo! Bedrock!
DEMO: Oooooh, I've really hit rock bottom...
DEMO: *burp,* but have you tried this?
But wait, there's more! Just one week after uploading this video,
I will upload a sequel full of extra jokes, animations, and behind the scenes goodies
If it's done, it'll be right here, please watch it. Thank you
If it's not there, please subscribe or follow me on Twitter to be the first to see it.