They're masters of secrecy, surveillance,
and kicking the (bleep) out of people.
Ow, my nose!
Spies are also known for
finding themselves in sexy situations.
Today, I'm going to try beating a spy
at their own sexy game.
(dramatic orchestral music)
Is the job of a spy to be a James Bond,
to run around, make love to people and kill people?
- That is the biggest myth in the world.
Hollywood obviously has to sell tickets
and if you really showed what the average spy does,
people would be bored outta their mind.
True spies draw zero attention to themselves.
That way, you can walk down the street
and nobody's gonna think twice about you.
- What does a CIA spy do?
- There's something call the SADR cycle:
spotting, assessing, developing, and recruiting.
Spot the person who might have the information,
develop 'em to where they fall in love with you,
and then, of course, recruiting.
- Are you seducing people and making love to people
in order to get them onto your side?
- American spies tend to keep their noses clean.
- Do they keep other parts of their body clean or do they--
- I did shower this morning, yes.
- What was the most dangerous mission
you've ever been sent on?
- If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
- You could tell me right now and then kill me,
60 years, right on my deathbed.
- Or I could take my tactical pen out of my pocket,
jab it in your neck and end it right now.
- Are you happy with the job that you pursued?
- Oh, I had a blast.
It's a wonderful place to work.
They treat you very, very well.
But it is a single man's game,
so I knew far too many guys who were divorced,
who didn't love their wives.
And like I said, wonderful place to work,
they treat you good, but it was time to do other things.
So, now we're basically a private intelligence service.
So, you hire us to run surveillance on somebody.
You hire us if you're going overseas
and you wanna have a private bodyguard.
Maybe somebody's hacking your stuff
and you want our cyber techs to go in there
to make sure you're safe.
So, we're the private CIA.
- Being a CIA spy, you have to be hyper-aware
and hyper-alert of everything.
- So, now I'm going to challenge you.
I guarantee I can pass a naked photo of myself
to an accomplice in a public park
without you knowing where the photo went.
- Wait a minute, you said naked.
- I'm going to give you 10 minutes to watch me.
At the end of those 10 minutes, you have one guess
where my nudie pic is.
- That's nine minutes too long, but that's all right.
- If you guess correctly, I have to eat my own earwax.
- What good is it to eat your own earwax?
It's like eating your own boogers,
which you probably do every day.
But eating somebody else's boogers
or somebody else's earwax,
now that's disgusting and would make me puke.
- If I lose, I will eat someone else's earwax.
(eerie orchestral music)
What are you afraid of?
- I hate small spaces.
I hate cats 'cause I'm deathly allergic to 'em.
- If you guess incorrectly, I will put you in a small box.
- Challenge accepted, I don't like to lose.
- How confident are you that you're going to win?
- I wouldn't be here if I didn't know I was gonna win.
I wouldn't have flown in here from Utah.
- Good luck.
- You too, my friend.
- What the spy didn't know was that I spent the last month
planning the perfect strategy.
The first step of my master plan
is to hide my naked photo somewhere the sun don't shine.
I could tell you what I mean by that,
but then I'd have to kill you.
Now it's time for me to make a spy cry.
(tense percussion music)
You might be wondering why I'm suddenly wearing
a fluffy red robe for this challenge.
I'll tell you later when you're older.
The challenges begins in three, two, one.
As the timer begins, I fold my nudie pic several times.
- Mike has his picture, he's making it nice and small;
that way it's easier to pass.
- [Mike] Then a man carrying a Frisbee
kisses me on the lips.
- He did a good job of trying to distract me
by doing what he's doing there.
- This guy hands me one of his briefcases,
then merrily walks away to play Frisbee by himself.
Who was this mysterious man willing to kiss me
in order to hide my naked photo?
- My family comes from a long line of witches
that originate from New Orleans.
- In total, I hired four strangers to kiss each other
and trade briefcases as much as possible.
Here's a little more about my ragtag group of cool cats.
I hired this guy to play with a squirt gun.
- I have absolutely no problem
making out with a bunch of different random men.
I'm freshly single; it's actually kind of cathartic.
- [Mike] I hired this guy to play with dinosaur toys.
- You get to really know people that way in the mouth sense.
It's better than a handshake, it's better than a handshake.
- [Mike] I hired this guy to blow bubbles.
- I used to sing in an Iron Maiden tribute band
for six years.
- Because I knew the spy was going to be watching
everyone's body language, I instructed all my accomplices
to act as odd as possible.
- Why, Seymour?
Why don't you love me?
Mother, I do love you, I do.
- Next, I lie down on the grass,
open the briefcase and place the picture inside.
Remember this moment.
- Okay, now he has a briefcase.
So, he slipped it in the briefcase.
Now it's disappeared from his hand.
- No it's not.
No, it's my case!
Suddenly, an angry dude screams accusations
that I have his briefcase.
Being the kindhearted person I am,
I express my disagreement with a polite gesture.
- That's my case!
- [Jason] So, he slipped it in the briefcase.
Now it's disappeared from his hand.
There's a lotta people going on, a lotta distractions.
It's in the briefcase right now.
- You may recognize this ugly man
as my best friend, Ben.
He agreed to be my co-conspirator on this strange mission.
Two days ago, Ben and I spent five minutes
choreographing a fight to distract the spy.
What experience do we have planning brawls?
In college, Ben had four years
of stage combat training and experience.
In junior high and high school,
I did backyard wrestling for four years.
So, Ben and I are probably equally skilled at faking fights.
Ben gives me a back body drop.
The wrestling crowd goes crazy.
- Okay, now you gotta keep control of that briefcase.
Okay, that's a good idea.
- As I agonize on the ground,
Ben picks up my briefcase and saunters away.
He then meets squirt gun guy,
who promptly sprays him in the eyes.
The two men pick up each other's briefcases
and head separate ways.
Ben marches up to the spy,
his secret mission to deliver the most distracting
and bizarre performance possible.
- In the intelligence business,
intelligence operatives always use distractions
when they're trying to do things,
but you've gotta be very clear to never lose your target.
- This has been a weird day.
I kinda just blacked out.
No matter what's going on,
it's about having a laser-like focus,
which is exactly what I'm having on right now.
So, it doesn't matter if there was one person or 100 people,
you just gotta focus on one.
- [Mike] Squirt gun guy, AKA Mr. Squirts,
confidently struts up to another stranger.
These two dudes smooch and then swap black leather cases.
- These guys are pretty deep kissers.
I can feel my tonsils.
- [Jason] Still gotta track the briefcase.
So, they've been swapped and switched.
It's still in the briefcase, but which briefcase it is in?
- Still feeling the pain of losing a battle to Ben,
I remain on the ground
until a man playing with dinosaur toys approaches me.
He kneels beside me and we begin making out
like rebellious teenagers.
Earlier in this video, I said,
"Remember this moment.
Next, I lie down on the grass, open the briefcase,
and place my picture inside.
Remember this moment.
I said something purposely misleading.
At that moment in my spy challenge,
I had just opened a briefcase
and presumably placed my photo inside.
I wanted you and the spy to believe my picture
was put inside the briefcase,
but I actually placed the nudie pic inside my mouth.
Now, as this gentleman I've never met before
makes out with me, I use my tongue
to French kiss the nudie pic into his mouth.
- He asked me to put the naked picture in my mouth
and it made me feel both honored
but also a bit nervous. (laughing)
- During my entire fight with Ben,
the photo was in my mouth.
Technically, I didn't lie to you.
I just didn't finish my sentence properly.
If you wish to complain about my deception,
please send an angry letter to my home address, shown here.
I stand up and mosey over to the man blowing bubbles.
- A lotta different briefcases.
- [Ben] A lotta different briefcases.
- Yeah, you guys are getting me totally confused.
Or are you?
- [Mike] I literally knew nothing about this guy
before we went to the tonsil hockey hall of fame together.
- Mike was an okay kisser.
I felt maybe I was like a bowl of slurpy food.
- [Mike] After our incredible kiss,
my new friend returns to blowing bubbles.
Ben continues doing his best
to suck up the spy's attention with a unique performance.
- Part of me wants to push you over,
which I think I'm gonna do right now.
And you, ooh, you held it for a while, I'm impressed!
- I have no change for any trains.
- You never do.
Mike is a fantastic kisser.
I mean, the mustache.
He really goes for it and he really makes you work.
- [Mike] If you're concerned
about the amount of germs being traded, relax.
I made everyone use mouthwash
before our kissing festival began.
- You're blocking me from Mike's view.
Mike is yoga-ing, he's praying.
Oh, confusing, confusing.
- [Mike] I reach into everyone's pockets,
pretend to grab important secrets and stuff my own pockets.
- Well, there was nothing in his hand that time.
And, of course, he's gotta make out again.
What is he slipping in the pocket?
- [Ben] You get to pick.
- [Mike] One minute remaining.
- Uh-oh, pressure's mounting.
We got Mike making out.
I think I've probably said that 8,000 times on this tape.
Now, see, these guys are doing a fantastic job
of distracting, of acting unique.
- Time is up.
Who will the spy guess has my nudie pic?
Is it the guy who kissed me,
the guy who kissed me, the guy who kissed me,
the guy who fought me, or the guy who kissed me?
The spy is allowed one guess at who has my nudie pic.
- I actually forgot that the photo was in someone's mouth.
And when a couple of them were making out with me deeply,
I thought they were trying to transfer the photo
and I got concerned.
I didn't know if I had it or not for a good second or two.
- When the challenge was over
and the spy was about to guess,
I was thinking, "Dang, I think it's me, for sure."
- I knew there were too many moving pieces
for him to possibly keep track of it.
- I still wasn't totally sure what was happening.
- I'm gonna say the gentleman here with the Frisbee,
inside that briefcase.
- I was like, "This is it, here he comes."
- It's inside this briefcase, the picture I don't wanna see.
Oh, oh, oh! (laughing)
The pain, the pain!
- We got you.
- Yeah. - Yep.
- [Jarryl] Good job, team.
- Bear hug, 'cause I'm blue.
- Jarryl, can you take my naked photo
out of your mouth, please?
- With pleasure.
- Thank you.
- Yes, it's all gross.
- It's still there, still looks good.
- I've seen bigger.
- Time for me to punish this spy.
- I did. - Get in the box.
- Since the spy is claustrophobic,
I force him to squeeze inside a tiny box.
He also hates cats, so I'm forcing him to dress like one.
- You used two great distractions,
the kissing and the briefcase.
I had to choose one of 'em.
I didn't see the kiss, body language, drawing attention,
I didn't see any papers going through,
so my 50/50 shot was, "Okay, it's gotta be the briefcase.
"The kiss is the distraction which is not the real one."
How long do I have to wear this ridiculous outfit?
- I'm gonna shut the lid on you.
- Wonderful, fantastic.
- Another successful mission.
Who should I outsmart next?
- [Jason] How much earwax do you have?
You know what I think the challenge should be,
especially if I'm gonna get in some little box,
is eat my earwax or somebody else's earwax.
- [Mike] What kind of earwax do you have?
- [Jason] I don't know.
Is it wet?
Or is it hard, kinda crisp, kinda booger-y?
- It's waxy.